Redefining Normal

Gosh, I have so much to blog about.... and very little time this morning... but here goes anyways.

First I didn't finish telling you about Jonathan's Birthday Party! I know I told you it was great, but I didn't really get to emphasize just how great it was. He was soooo surprised a day before his birthday to open the door and see all his family and friends there! The 'longest trip and best of show' award would have to go to Amanda and Gene. They came all the way over from Orlando to surprise Jonathan. Gosh... it was great seeing Amanda again - I miss her! She'll be 21 this year..... sheesh! They also got her a really cool gift -- Jonathan loves online gaming. Right now he plays something called Runescape (when he's not on restriction). They got him the game and membership for 3 months for the hottest and coolest in online gaming today: World of Warcraft. Very cool indeed! Now Jonathan has a great incentive to get better grades and stay off restriction! Also there was our friend from Church and beyond, Denise and her two boys. She took Jonathan for the afternoon and early evening so that he could be surprised. :o) I hope it'll be a memorable day for him for years to come.

On to recent Julie news....

I've blogged about how Julie has been eating in such a manner that her blood sugar has been out of control. I've even said that I honestly felt at times as if this were the new way she was trying to hurt or kill herself (rather than overdosing or the cutting which she has done for many years prior). Well, apparently yesterday she finally realized that this is indeed the case. She called mom and I last night hysterically crying (three way call). She said that she had called her Therapist and told him that she is "trying to cut herself with food instead of sharp objects". That she had been eating to the point where she thought she couldn't eat anything else - then ate some more. I've heard now that she was even getting up at night to eat food. It's just sooooo sad. She was crying so so so so so so bad. We kept telling her over and over again that it was good that she could finally realize it and that we were proud of her.

She said that she had to go back into the psyc. ward at the hospital and felt that she was "undoing" everything. I told her that it wasn't undoing anything. That even though she's managed to keep herself out of psyc. - the underlying issues were there anyways. And that -- when she wanted to hurt or kill herself all the time... the BEST place she could be was in the hospital under a doctor's care. So... she brought herself to the hospital.

Trying to explain to the kids wasn't easy. They felt (and actually told me in these words) that their mom was choosing food over them. I quickly replied that their mom DID NOT CHOOSE this. That her doing this was because of her mental illness... and that she was trying VERY hard. It's so hard for them to understand.... they just want her to wake up one morning better. We talked about how - even before their Dad died - their mom was in the hospital all the time for a multitude of things.... and that it wasn't easy to just stop doing it.

I tried to explain to them that their mom and they should probably "redefine normal". I think that's going to be my new catch-phrase with them. I told them what that meant to me. That... a normal month could be where Julie comes over for 3 good visits... she's great on the phone with them.... you can understand her when she's talking on the phone (no overdosing on meds).... she is just fun to be around. Then one week she begins to get depressed - or manic - or just simply put 'out of balance' -- and instead of waiting too long, she goes to get treated right away and comes back in a few days balanced again. What would be so horrible about that??? I think it would be awesome for all of them... and I don't think that it's out of the realm of possibility that this happen. I think it is MUCH MUCH MUCH more do-able than Julie staying out of the hospital for years.

So we here at the Rhocchini house are going to work on redefining normal. And right now, I have to run to work. But I have MUCH more to catch you up on... so I'll post again tonight.

We fail to see that we can control our own destiny;
make ourselves do whatever is possible;
make ourselves become whatever we long to be.
Orison Swett Marden

Long Time No Post

Well hellooooo out there. Long time no post! I've been ill... a cold/flu thing that's actually had me out of work for a couple of days. (Those of you who know how infrequently I use sick days know how sick I must have been). Today was a little better, although as the meds wear off I get pretty tired and feverish.

Nothing really new to report on the kids. Everyone here is doing just fine. Jonathan had a birthday on Thursday. Since Chris and I had choir rehearsal Thursday night, we decided to give him a 'surprise party' on Wednesday night. Denise took him after school and he played at her house until 7:30. We decorated the house - balloons, streamers and stars everywhere. Mind you I was horribly sick so Chris and the kids really did most of the work. EVERYONE came over for his party... my sis Katie and her family, mom, Evie and Jimmie, Julie, some neighborhood kids... when he opened that door you should have SEEN his face. Priceless.

Guess what we got Jono for his birthday? An IPod. Yep... we decided to do it. He was SO happy. Funny though was he didn't react with the excitement you'd expect. Chris was reading today that it is probably tied to his Asperger Syndrome... but that is a whole other blog for another night. Mom got him some nice clothes, Evie and Jimmie got him a super cool radio/alarm thing that works with the IPod, Julie and Katie each gave him money... this was one HAPPY kid let me tell ya.

Sigh............ I'm utterly exhausted.... still a little sick and wore out from the day. I should get to bed. I was even going to end this short blog with an uplifting bible verse of inspirational message... but alas, I am too tired. So sleep well, and I promise to post again very soon.

Why I Blog

I’d like to start off with a great big THANK YOU to everyone who said a little prayer for our cars. Chris has fixed my ac/heat in the Mustang and then he was just traveling down the road the other day in the Durango, hit a bump, and his was fixed. Sure…. It’s likely it was a loose wire or something, but I’d much rather prefer to think of it as the power of prayer. Now… if the transmission holds out a few years longer… that would be perfect!

We looked at vehicles while at the Fair and couldn’t BELIEVE the cost of a new car today. When you add the fact that it needs to hold no less than 6 people, the price gets outrageous. I’ll bet it was more than what my mom paid for her home when she first moved to Florida. It’s shocking and was somewhat depressing knowing we could never get something like that, but at the same time it made me so very grateful to have the little cars we have now, with only a few payments left on the Durango. So… come on Durango… give me a few more years. Then I can buy a small, sensible, economical vehicle. :o)

On the “Julie News”… she is back in the hospital. She went to a Health Fair with my mom. She got all kinds of information on how to help control her Diabetes, even a computer program to help guide her and help her stay on track. Her blood sugar at the time tested over 250. So… where does Julie decide to go on the way home?? She goes to get Chinese food. SIGH. She then couldn’t keep her blood sugar under 500, and after multiple calls to doctors, was told to go to the ER.

She explained to them that Brandon Hospital might not take her again. Apparently (according to Julie) they are upset that she is there all the time. This is the one she left 'Against Medical Advice' last time. She said that, even before she left, the doctors and nurses kept making comments about how often she was in the hospital and it ‘made her feel bad’ so she didn’t want to go back there. So… she went to Memorial Hospital.

She didn’t want to call me and tell me – she was afraid I was ‘going to be mad at her’. I honestly don’t know how to feel about it anymore. I definitely don’t have that ‘mother’ attitude I had before… she can admit herself once a week and it no longer really affects me. But as her sister, I hate to see her killing herself like this. She told me that she did not want to tell Dr. Vergeese that she was in again. I think this is a HUGE mistake. There is ONE person whom she is supposed to be working with to help her get back on track. ONE person… and that’s Dr. Vergeese. Lying to him or hiding things from him is not going to help her.

Oh, and I think I found out why Julie is thinking that she couldn’t possibly die from her blood sugar. My other sister Katie told me that Julie told her last night that her blood sugar would have to be over 1,000 in order for her to die. Where she got that number from I have no idea. I don’t know if someone really told her that or if she’s just saying it…. Well…. I don’t really know why else she would say it.

I had a talk with the kids of course when I got home yesterday telling them about their mom again. I had a rather serious talk with Justin though, because… I think he enables her. He caudles her and tells her what she wants to hear. The other day when Julie was over my house, she was talking to the kids. Kayla said “mommy, just stop going to the hospital!” Julie said, “What do you mean? I’ve only been twice!” Kayla told her to stop lying and Justin stood up for Julie saying that he believed her when she said she’d only been two times. Now… I know he could not POSSIBLY believe that. I know that he believes he is helping her by agreeing with her, but I really don’t think he is. So, I just told him what I felt and tried to guide him. I told him that I know that he loves his mom very much and that he wants her to get better, and that was so awesome. But that his mom really needed to step up and start working on getting herself better. And what she needed most was encouragement to do just that.

Speaking of encouragement, I need to go on the record here about my blog.

Dr. Vergeese asked me about why I keep an online blog. Mom has mentioned from time to time about how it's 'out there' for everyone. So let me go on record one more time about why I do this and what it means to me.

I originally started this blog as a way to give information to Katie, Mom and even Chris without repeating the same things multiple times. State visits and phone calls were continuous. Information was overwhelming. And the stress was nearly intolerable. When the DCF person would come to visit, instead of having to explain everything several times, I referred them to the blog. Of course, in the beginning, things happened multiple times a day, 7 days a week.

Then others began finding the blog. Friends. Family. Church members. They left messages (some posted on the blog, others personal to me) that we EXACTLY what I needed... inspirational.... supportive.... and positive. When I had a problem with Kayla and was at my WITS END as to what to do... these people gave me ideas on ways to help or ways to cope. When I thought I was going to lose my mind because I was being torn limb to limb - at one end the mother of the kids I was raising who was overdosing and incoherent many times --- at the other end the my little sister who was crying out for help. My heart BREAKS almost every single day. And these friends.... family.... church members.... all pray for me when I need it most. Their prayers give me strength.

I am VERY careful not to divulge information that is too personal. I am VERY careful as to what I do and do not blog about here, trying my best to keep it just about the kids and how that has affected our lives. I am VERY careful as to say things in here only as I would say directly TO Julie so that if she stumbles across the blog (and she has!) that she would not be blown away.

Then there have been a few 'outside' readers who have been very inspirational as well. One woman from Thailand or something like that wrote me and told me that she found my blog on accident, and was feeling very down and out. She thought her life was not going so well. She read the blog... felt the Christian undertones within it. Felt my strength and perseverance. And she wrote to me to tell me that it made a difference in her life. SHE now had strength to go out and face her challenges.

My blog isn't right or wrong. It isn't the "Gospel According to Tina". It is my feelings. My heart. My worries. My concerns. My fears. My love. All written very carefully. I'm not here to say Julie is bad and Tina is good. God continues to give me tools to walk me through this turmoil. Heck, this blog is one of those tools. When I blog about something that is troubling me, I FEEL better. When I talk about how the Lord is giving me strength to do things I didn't think I could possibly do, I feel even stronger.

But most of all I am here blogging to say that - there are many times, many many times, when I don't think that I should be caring for these kids. We had a lot going on in our own lives. Adding three teenagers to the mix is scary. It's straining every resource I have and mostly straining emotionally. I'm here to say that I don't know why God gave this to me, but more importantly I know that He did indeed give this to me. I believe that His reasons are right and His timing is perfect. I am a witness to His works and to the power of prayer. Were it not for the people who pray for me as a direct result of this blog, I honestly don't know where I would be right now.

It's so easy to think that you would for sure do something one way if something happened. It's so easy to look at how someone is handling something and think to yourself that if you were handling that problem, you'd handle it totally different (and of course, better). It's so easy to see someone stressed and think, 'if that were me, I wouldn't worry about this or that and my stress would be way less'. I know this... I've lived this. But -- until you've walked IN those shoes, you really have no idea.

So... thank you to each one of you who reads and prays.

Thank you for each one of you who reads and then supports and encourages me and our family.

And to anyone who doesn't think I should blog about this, my shoes are a size 7 and I'd be happy to let you wear them for a little while.

Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.

Almost V-Day!

Valentine's Day is tomorrow. Sigh...........

I wish I had something wonderful planned for Chris, but I don't. Not as of now anyways. I did buy him a nice drill set while we were at the fair, but that is oh so FAR from romantic! I just wish I was able to think of something relatively inexpensive yet very romantic... but I can think of not one single thing to do. Every time I think of something, I think of reasons we can't do them. What kind of whacked-out brain function is that?? Jeez!! Cook a nice romantic dinner at home? Nope - got kids. Go out to dinner (along with 90% of all the other couples in Tampa tomorrow night) - sure, if you don't mind waiting a couple hours for a seat. But, that's not even really 'romantic'.

The problem is that for YEARS Chris and I delivered singing valentines. We'd get together with a quartet and go out all day and night singing for other people ($50 per valentine for a couple songs, card and candy). This was REALLY cool for us, we both enjoyed it so much. And, it made us feel so good to make other people so happy they cried. Then we'd do something together after V-day and share stories. But OUR romance of the day was in giving romance to OTHER people. (Wait... that sounded kinda bad...) But neither of us are in chorus right now, so we're not doing it this year. But we both recognized last night that the experience of doing singing valentines definitely took the romance out of the holiday for us. So.... what to do.... what to do.... ???? Eh, I'll keep thinking about it. Surely something will come to me.

Gwen and Coley came down this weekend. It was GREAT having them here. The kids were so happy to spend time with their Grandma and Grandpa. They came in on Friday night and made us some dinner... Coley's famous ribs and chicken - YUMMY. And he taught Chris so next time we can do it ourselves! Saturday morning they made breakfast for us (although again Chris helped out!), and then they took the kids out shopping for the day. Sunday morning they got up and went to Church with us (don't even ASK about the solo, barf!) and then took the kids to breakfast. After that we had all planned on going to the fair. However, after waiting in line at the EXIT off I-4 for an hour and a half, they decided they might miss their plane that night given the crowds of people there, so they left from the parking lot of the fair to go home, and the kids, Chris and I went to the fair all afternoon/night. On the way to the airport, Gwen stopped and bought Kayte a bed which was very thoughtfully. She moved out of Kayla's room and into Justin's room, where she's been sleeping on a futon kind of cot. I had always thought of the move to Justin's room as 'temporary' but I guess Kayte thinks of it as permanent. So... the bed will be delivered tomorrow.

At first I was.... what's the word..... maybe 'hurt'.... that she got the bed as I felt as if she was telling me that I couldn't take care of the her needs so she would. But I quickly realized I was over-reacting... that if I took "my feelings" totally out of it and just looked at it as an outsider, I could easily see that she was just doing something for her granddaughter. So I'm thrilled that she was able to do this for Kayte.

It occurred to me yesterday how Kayla, Justin and Kayte never really 'fight'. I grew up with 2 sisters... and I had friends who had siblings.... and I know people now who have multiple kids. Siblings just tend to fight with each other.

Not these kids. They stick together and support each other. They don't tell on one another. They don't argue or fight. And I know what you are thinking... I don't mean that I was always mean to my sisters. God forbid someone try to hurt them or be mean to them, I'd be all over it! But still... as normal siblings, we would fight over the most stupid things. But Kayla, Justin and Kayte do not. And I wondered... why.

Then I realized how different it must have been growing up with a mom who was always mentally ill and a dad who you knew was dying. Can you imagine being 5, 6 and 7 years old and watching your dad's kidney's shut down... watching as the whites of his eyes filled with blood from the constant vomiting from the Leukemia. Knowing he was exhausted 3-4 times a week when he was gone all night to Dialysis. Watching as their mom and dad dealt with it while never EVER talking about it.

It changed these kids, in a most profound way. And, oddly enough, changed them in some really good ways.

Then there is little Jonathan. Gosh, he's going to be 14 next week. I also just realized his birthday falls on Choir rehearsal night, on a night that we CAN'T miss because we are on praise team that weekend. So... I'm not sure what we are going to do on the night of his Birthday. Then we have to plan his kid party. He wants to go to Game Works, and I'm sure we are going to take him.

Julie came over for a visit tonight, and did SUPER. It was actually a very pleasant visit. Although she talked a lot about the kids going home.... things she was doing to their bedrooms and such. We did talk about it some - talked about how Julie knew that it was 'almost impossible' to get the kids back.... but she said it wasn't going to 'stop her'. She said she was going to work hard to bring the kids home. I talked for a little bit about how I felt... that she wasn't a 'BAD' person... that she had a mental condition and that, even if it were simply not possible for her to stay well long enough, it would still be okay... as long as she continued to work on herself.

Ya know... she's done so good the past couple of weeks, and my heart breaks for her. It feels like forever since things were bad. But then.... going into the blog here I can look and see titles of prior posts... and it was less than a month ago that she was bakers acted into the hospital last. Sigh............

As I sit typing this... you should know that Jonathan is here next to me practicing on the keyboard. Playing just beautifully... it's AMAZING the talent he has... it really is. At the fair, he went to a booth where they sell piano's and he asked if he could play something. She said yes, and he sat down to play (a $5,000 piano!) and the teacher was floored. She asked how long he'd been playing. I explained he got the keyboard for Christmas and had just been playing by ear. She was even more flabbergasted. When he finished one song she said that he was already better than most students she had playing that song after 3 years of lessons. She told me that we NEED to get him lessons... that even if he didn't learn to read music and such... that learning how to correctly place his fingers could only help him play by ear. She said that she could see that he was developing some 'bad habits' - but if she shut her eyes and didn't watch she'd never know. So... we are going to have to work on the lessons.

I better run for tonight. American Idol is on and I've got to get the kids to bed. I'll leave you with this for tonight. So I leave you with this for tonight:

Give your troubles to God; He will be up all night anyway.

I just love that. Simple.. funny... yet true.

Snapshot Of My Night

I thought some of you might get a chuckle out of reading what I think I'll call a 'snapshot of my night'.

It's Thursday night. The kids have no school on Friday, so they are going to bed later than normal.

The middle schoolers got their progress reports and Jonathan is on restriction - pretty much confined to his room until he brings up the F.

I've been to choir rehearsal and, getting back about 9 or so, try to make myself some dinner before it's way too late to eat.

The kids are rustling, trying to get ready for bed - hair, showers, clothes, brushing the teeth, etc. I'm not rushing them at this point because I know they don't have school in the morning. I'm trying to pick up their mess from the kitchen (from them making their own dinners) while making myself something to eat. Yes I should get the kids to clean up after themselves, but I want them in BED so I have some time for myself. I shudda known better than that!

Chris and I eat a little, watch a little TV, and then head off to bed... about maybe 11 pm.

Kids are STILL not in bed. By this time I'm getting frustrated with them and tell them strongly that they need to "Go to BED!" I shut the door to my room, but leave it cracked open (the cats like to sleep with us).

It's now about 11:45 and I get up because of all the noise in the house - and AGAIN I tell them to get to bed.... that SOME of us have to get up in the morning. They apologize and swear they are headed into bed.

Kayte is in the bathroom taking a shower and I hear her mention something about there being 'poop in the toilet'. I think... whatever.... flush it.... no biggie.

Midnight and again I get up, because of the lights on and the noise, yelling at them to go to bed. Justin tells me - with a straight and very serious face - "Auntie Tina, you aren't going to believe what just kind of magically happened. There is poo in the toilet." I look at him with all seriousness and tell him that it doesn't "Magically Happen".... someone pooped and didn't flush. No magic or mystery to it. He then happens to mention it's stopped up. I'm concerned about it being stopped up. But - I'm also tired and almost asleep standing up. My eyes are dry (I sleep in my contacts) and I can barely see anything. So... I stumble back to bed, confident the kids are nearly grown and they know how to take care of themselves.

As I lay in bed, I have visions of last Valentine's Day. (Read this if you've forgotten.... http://tinarhodes1968.blogspot.com/2006/02/shit-hits.html )

"How bad was it?" I found myself wondering. "Should I get up and check on it?" No... wait till morning is what my tired body kept telling me. But my mind would not rest... so I get up.

I should mention here that -- I'm not going to say 'who' but... someone in the house (kid) has a problem with going to the restroom. This person plugs the toilet up EVERY SINGLE time he goes.... and without toilet paper. You read that correctly.... EVERY time. I don't talk about it much here because - well it's POO and it's nasty! But it's a frustrating problem - one of the many things that add to the overall craziness in the house on a daily basis.

Okay, so I get up..... sure enough.... the toilet is full to the brim with brown nasty water (and.... well..... stuff). They ~ thank GOD ~ did think to shut off the water so that it didn't overflow onto the floor... but there is no room for anything here.... it's almost overflowing as it is. And.... the SMELL. Oh my GOSH!!!!! I try to plunge it myself, probably a dozen times. No luck. Finally... at my wits end, I get Chris up.

He's a handyman who works in bathrooms a LOT, he comes in and with one push, clog is gone. Sheeshhhhhhhhh. Course, the house now REEKS and the smell is stuck in my NOSE from being in there so long. And let me mention again the smell... folks... it was horrid! Chris and I get a bottle of bleach and begin to sanitize the room and plunger. (Safety first!)

So... about 12:45 or so we finally DID get to bed. And there is the snapshot of my night.

Come on... don't you ALL want four teenagers now??? Sure you do!! LOL

The Music Won't Last

It's just a 'blah' kind of day today. Thought it would be good to blog.

Julie's visit last night went very well.

She sent me an email yesterday telling me that she had read my blog and wanted to clear up a few things. She started by saying something about in my blog - how I say she sits on the sofa while at my house. Well, she explained that she did that to be in the 'center' of the house. I get that, no biggie. I explained that it wasn't 'where' she sat, it was how and that she was so demanding and needy while there. Last night she was much more conscious of this and it was great. Then she said that her house wasn't 'dirty'. I explained that I didn't mean 'don't clean up' kind of dirty, I meant things like the walls and such that the kids touch... and those WERE dirty. But please y'all, don't misunderstand... Julie is bipolar and extremely manic quite a bit. Her house was and is - VERY clean for the most part. I remember once she actually scrubbed her floors so much the tile began to wear.

Julie even got onto the kids about their watching "Jackass 2, Unrated". She wanted them to return it to her, but they brought it to their FRIENDS house for her to watch, so they couldn't give it back to her. I FLIPPED when I heard they brought it over someone's house. What would HER mother think of ME if she saw that movie? Oh my gosh!!!! Anyways......

Those were really the main things Julie picked out of my blog that she wanted me to clarify - so there ya go - I clarified for all of you too. She also told me that one of her friends (from her bipolar chat group) read my blog and was going to send me a nasty email or something like that. Well, I didn't get anything - but I told Julie --- this is my journal -- a window into my soul. I'm not going to apologize for anything I put in here. I'm VERY careful to never say anything 'too' personal nor to say anything downright mean or even 'wrong'. But it IS all about my feelings.

So, with all of this in mind... I find myself reflecting quite a bit today. Why do I blog? Am I just splattering my personal life all over the Internet for the world to see? No... I know that's not true. So.... why?? Sure I feel better when I blog, but why????

Have you ever had one of those times when you are driving down the road, say to work or something... someplace you've been a zillion times. All the sudden, you look up and realize you don't remember how you got to where you are right now??? Like... you just 'brain-farted' the last 10 miles or so??

I find myself doing that a LOT. Thinking about how I had no more than 2 kids on purpose - and HOW did I get to five?? Thinking about my neat little life and cozy little house - and HOW did it get this crazy???? Remembering when Julie was just my wild sister and that was just her life, and HOW did it get to where I'm in the parental role for her in her life?????? Remembering Ron being the strong father who loved his kids so deeply, worked hard, loved golf, built a home for his family, and HOW did it happen that God took him at such a young age, and now **I** am raising his kids??? How did I get here????

But don't read that wrong... I'm not unhappy. I do realize it's a blessing. And how fortunate we are to have God working in our lives every single day and to feel His presence. But sometimes it's just unfathomable that we are where we are right now. Like I must have blinked and missed an obvious and reasonable transition period. I couldn't have just woken up one day to have this all fall onto my lap. And yet............... it pretty much did.

And how does blogging fit into all of it? Well, I can easily look back and see how I got from one point to another. I can easily look back and see how far the kids have come. I can easily see how my struggles now are nothing in comparison to my struggles a year ago.

Sigh........... just a reflection kind of day.

I'm thinking of Pastor Matthew's message from last Sunday... "Slaying Giants" about David and Goliath, and reflecting on our own personal 'giants'. I was surprised to find myself having to really think HARD about my 'giants'. I suppose the most blaring 'giant' should be financial... but - God always finds a way to provide. Relationships? Well, Chris and I are doing remarkably well. Raising kids is something we are good at, and - believe it or not - what happened with us getting them actually helped our relationship. Addictions? Well, don't have any of those. Wait... I do, but it's a small one. You don't really want to know about that, do you?? You do??? Sigh..... Okay, I'm going to put it in print ONCE. I rarely even acknowledge it out loud. I am.... I am addicted to nasal spray. I have been for.... 14 years. I use it about 4 times a day. But it's not a normal addiction... not like pot or alcohol or anything like that. Nasal spray is DESIGNED by it's chemical nature to open nasal passages and then - in hours - MAKES them swell back up again. It's called 'rebound'. So, it's not like I'm jonesing for it, it's a physical reaction caused by the very item used to treat it. Chris totally doesn't 'get it'. I've seen doctors, a specialist even. The specialist (who knows a lot about this and said there are a LOT of people out there like me) says that just stopping won't help, nor will non-steroidal prescription sprays. He wants me on a mega-dose of steroids. And... that causes weight gain and tremendous swelling. So, I put it off and have been putting it off for a long time. I should go back to the specialist and just get on the steroids... but.... I dunno. Insurance. Deductibles. Time off work. It's just easier to buy a $2.00 bottle every week. Sigh............ there............... I said it. My big secret. My family reading this has probably fallen out of their chairs over the fact that I just admitted to this in such a public forum. But -- hey -- it's MY journal, right? My place to talk and feel safe -- right?? How did I get from having no 'giants' to that?? I dunno............. quick Tina, change the subject.

So, the kids' Grandma Gwen and Grandpa Coley are coming down this weekend. They are SO excited. I haven't seen Coley since Ron's funeral. The kids say he's a GREAT cook, and I hope he makes them something while here. They are staying at a hotel, even though I told them they are more than welcome to stay here. They'll be in at 10 am tomorrow morning. We might go to the State Fair on Sunday... I haven't really decided yet. It's arm-band day.... $25 bucks a person is not all that bad. But times 6, plus Gwen and Coley... well... we'll just see what happens. If it's meant to be, it'll be.

Oh my goodnes.... the Middle Schoolers just got home and got their progress reports.

Kayte did wonderfully..... 4 A's, 1 B and 1 C. WOOOOOOw

Jonathan did not so well..... 2 A's, 1 C, 2 D's and an F. Holy cow. I am so disappointed, I really thought he was going to do well this 9 weeks. I don't even know what else to say..... he's going to be on lock-down restriction yet again and has to work hard to get himself OUT of the hole -- again. Didn't I just say a few minutes ago that I was 'good' at parenting?? Maybe not.

Sigh.... I've got to run... and I'll leave you with this today:

SLOW DANCE
Have you ever watched kids
On a merry-go-round?
Or listened to the rain
Slapping on the ground?
Ever followed a butterfly's
erratic flight?
Or gazed at the sun
into the fading night?
You better slow down.
Don't dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't last.

Do you run through each day
On the fly?
When you ask "How are you?"
Do you hear the reply?
When the day is done
Do you lie in your bed
With the next hundred chores
Running through your head?
You'd better slow down
Don't dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't last.

Ever told your child,
We'll do it tomorrow?
And in your haste,
Not see his sorrow?
Ever lost touch,
Let a good friendship die
Cause you never had time
To call and say "Hi"?
You'd better slow down.
Don't dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't last.

When you run so fast to get somewhere
You miss half the fun of getting there.
When you worry and hurry through your day,
It is like an unopened gift.... Thrown away.
Life is not a race.
Do take it slower
Hear the music
Before the song is over.

Kids Kids Kids

ARGH

Why do kids have to be so destructive at times?

I remember when I used to go to visit Julie's house and I'd see her filthy walls and wonder how stuff like that happened. Now... I know. These kids can make anything filthy, and they break anything they touch.

Chris went to the Depot this weekend and picked up some supplies to fix the entertainment center they broke recently. Went to fix it... and four of the six screws were just - gone. Missing. Chris was beside himself ranting and raving about "how could they just disappear?"... and I walked around the house and really realized the beating the house is taking. You can't walk into one single room and not see stuff where it doesn't belong, or stuff trashed. Missing. Broken. Dirty. Or overused. That describes a lot of things in our house right now.

Kitchen - dirty cups and plates everywhere except the dishwasher. Counter tops dirty. There is a knife with peanut butter stuck to it... not just a little peanut butter, it's everywhere - even on the handle. Peanut butter on the microwave. The cabinet where the paper plates are located. On the handle of the cupboard where we keep the peanut butter. On the fridge door.

In the downstairs bathroom there is hair gel out and open. A brush is on the floor.

Throughout the rest of downstairs, which I pick up a LOT - Chips on the floor of the office, game room, dining room, living room, kitchen and front door.

Upstairs in the main bathroom there is an open bottle of oxy pads (cap not put back on so of course they are drying out), toothpaste is open and oozing out of the bottle, covering the cap and surrounding area. Boxers, a shirt and one sock are on the floor, along with a towel, some papers that were just dropped instead of being put into a trash can.

Trailing into one of the bedrooms you find the other sock - it almost made it into the bedroom (but Lord knows even if it did make it into the bedroom it wouldn't have made it all the way into the laundry hamper - of course not!). There is a dirty oxy pad on the floor, again headed into the bedroom... as is the plastic wrapper from a "Crest White Strip" - the outside wrapper right outside the bathroom door, one of the clear plastic pieces in the hall, closer to the bedroom, the last plastic piece actually on the bedroom floor.

The other day I looked in the garbage can and saw 2 of our new glasses in there, broken. This isn't surprising, they break glasses all the time. But it's rare I see two together. This time, the kids tell me, there were TWO glasses, stacked, in the sofa (between cushions) and someone threw the remote, hitting the glasses, breaking them both. Sigh............

It amazes me the constant effort I put into this house every single day. The kids are pretty good about doing their chores. They tend to need to be reminded often, but they don't complain about it (and with Teenagers, that's a BIG relief).

So.... updates:

Kayla is no longer dating Pito. She's dating a nice young man from Church. He seems like a great kid. :o)

Cars are not fairing so well... the AC and Heat in Durango have now gone out. Funny thing is the AC in my car isn't working either. Remember... we were trying to get 4 more years out of these cars? Well, it's not looking so hopeful right now. AC and heat we can live without I know, but the transmission we can't. Maybe we should trade it in now before it just falls apart completely. But then we're looking at a HEFTY car payment. Sheeshhhhhhh

Two of the four kids received progress reports today - the High Schoolers. Kayla did pretty well! 2 A's, 3 B's, and 2 C's. Justin on the other hand... not so well. He has 3 B's, 2 C's and 2 D's. ARGHHHH. He said he's going to work real hard to bring the grades up... and I know he can do it. I was just a little disappointed. The middle-schoolers will get their progress reports on Thursday. Cross your fingers!!!

We had another episode with Kayla on the computer. I allowed her access to the internet again, but only allowing her to get on Yahoo chat and email (both monitored by me at all times). I found an email that Kayla had been sending to this girl from Church. Kayla starts off the email by saying "I really don't like you. Leave my brother alone." She writes back that she doesn't know why Kayla doesn't like her, and that if Justin wants to be her friend - Kayla should let him. It escalated quickly and - let's just say the word "whore" was used once and the F-bomb was dropped once. Both by my lovely niece. I was FURIOUS. The last thing the girl said to Kayla is that she should forward the email thread over to the youth group so 'everyone can see who you really are'. Sigh...... So I'm trying to teach Kayla how - when you put something like that in writing... it's ALWAYS there. It can't be taken back. I sent an email to the girl and apologized as Kayla's Aunt and told her that it would not happen again. She was happy that I cared that much about it. I still haven't decided what to do with Kayla. One friend from Church suggested that I allow Kayla to create email but not send. Then everything she 'sends' has to be approved by me. I like this idea... just not sure how to actually DO it. Not to mention anyone can get any email on Yahoo or Hotmail... I know she'd know HOW to get around it. But her getting around it wouldn't teach her anything. And she HAS to learn not to do that to people.

What else.... Chris and I had an informal class reunion last weekend. It was AWESOME, except for the fact it was FREEZING outside! It was at a local park - we rented a pavilion and had it catered. Everyone brought their kids and spouses. It was a grand total of $10 bucks a person so it was VERY affordable. And because it was a 'picnic' nobody had to really 'dress to impress'... we were all just........... us. It was WONDERFUL and I hope we do it again soon. My only regret is not getting people's email and phone numbers. :o) It was funny realizing that - my senior year - I had no 'click' - no one group I 'belonged' with. I knew the geeks, the brainiacks, the cheerleaders, the dancers... but didn't hang out with any of them really. I was really pregnant my senior year and so.... most of the friends that I had had for years were no longer there and I had too many other priorities other than who was dancing or cheering what night. But - oddly - it felt good. It felt good knowing that I knew of and was friends with this LARGE group of vastly DIFFERENT personalities. Even if we didn't stay friends after high school (who wants to hang out with the chick with the newborn when you are headed into college, eh?) I still have a great deal of respect for them and am happy to have just been able to call them friends.

Speaking of friends, so my friends reading this - keep me in your prayers. I've been asked to sing a solo next week at Church. A song I don't know. And did I mention solo? As in alone? Where is my Inderal when I need it? Think it's a sin to take a shot of Jack Daniels' before church that morning? Yeah.... probably..............

So, with that - I'll leave you with this....

"Do all the good you can,
By all the means you can,
In all the ways you can,
In all the places you can,
At all the times you can,
To all the people you can,
As long as ever you can."

Cheapskate!

What is it that makes people, mostly when they become parents I think, decide not to buy stuff for themselves? My kids have lots of stuff... Game boy, X-box, shoes, clothes, lots of cool jeans... they don't get everything they want and when they (Julie's kids) want a $200 pair of shoes, their Grandma Gwen usually buys it for them, but suffice to say the kids are taken care of.

I see these people on "What Not To Wear" - the television show... the kind of people who completely neglect themselves for the sake of providing for the kids. But at what point does it get to be too much? At what point do you realize that you are not just cutting corners, you are actually neglecting yourself??

Yesterday I was at work thinking. (Going to get somewhat personal here, so for the guys I apologize now, in advance.) Chris has no sneakers - NONE - he has ONE pair of work boots that look HORRIBLE and the laces are broken, a pair of flip-flops that are LITERALLY paper thin from being worn too much, and one pair of dress shoes which he wears to Church every Sunday. Fitting since they are 'holy'... only the wrong kind of holy... they have holes in them, top and bottom. Not small holes, big ones. So I was at working thinking of this as I kept adjusting my bra... which was completely worn out since I only own ONE. I have to wash it all the time then put it back on, and I've lost well over 45 pounds now so it doesn't fit right at all. I was thinking.... why????

So... I got home last night. Chris had a horrible day -- but I said "get in the car, we are leaving." He was confused but obliged me. I drove to Target to get another bra and took him to Famous Footwear to get flip-flops, sneakers and dress shoes.

My bosses wife was in the office today and noticed my jeans had become rather baggy. Well, I was a size 22 and am now into a 16 - so of course they are. Am I supposed to go out and buy all new clothes?? I'm not at my goal weight yet! So... I get what I can here and there - CHEAP. But it's the 'can' in "I get what I CAN" that keeps killing me. Jeans are rarely cheap enough for me to want to buy them, but I do have 1 pair in my real size now. Good enough, eh? -- ARGH -- there I go again! Why do I feel this way? I'm a cheapskate - that's the problem!!

I suppose I'm in a bit of panic mode right now since our informal picnic class reunion is this Saturday. It's 21 years this year. I have to go fatter than I was in high school (well, when I wasn't pregnant that is) and in clothes that don't fit well! SHEEEEEEESH!!! Relax Tina... it'll be fine.....

Speaking of being a cheapskate... let me tell you what happened at Church the other day. We went to this event they had to 'give back' to all those who volunteer their time. It was really great fun... they had a bit of food, singing and a Christian comedian. We sat in front of this lady whom we've not yet met. When asked about 'us' we told her a little about what we had going on in our home. She sat there and said "Something in my heart is telling me to give this to you" and she gives us a $25 gift card for dinner (at Chili's or Macaroni Grill). Well, first of all, Chris and I do not go out much on our own for dinner without the kids. But this seemed like what we were supposed to do with it (and she said that it was for the two of us to go out and enjoy one night). Well, let me tell you, I LOOOOVE Macaroni Grill. So - Chris and I had another date-night recently! We sang at Church that Saturday night, dropped off 7 kids at the skating rink for Kayla's informal skating party, then went to dinner together - just the two of us. So sweet! And how very thoughtful of this woman. It was just what we needed!

Julie is coming over for a visit tonight. Oooooo... I haven't blogged about Julie since her remarkable recovery. On THE day she had to return to work - she was suddenly much better. She's now clear on the phone, doesn't sound slurred or drugged. This just makes me feel even more positive that she was on SOME kind of medication to make herself that way. But I am happy she's doing better. Let's hope the visit tonight isn't filled with as many 'when do you think I'll get the kids back' discussions.

The kids are doing well. Did I tell you that ALL of them got GREAT report cards??? Not one single D or F!! Yeah, I did... but I'm telling you again! Ha ha ha Progress reports come home next Monday... so let's just hope and pray that they are all still on the right track.

Jonathan has really picked up the Piano... it's amazing. I fully believe that it's at least partially because of his Asperger Syndrome (a form of Autism). They said he'd be really good at some things... and this is definitely one of them. He hears a song... and goes to the piano and just learns it. His keyboard will let him record, so he'll record the 'under-track' and then play that while playing -- making it sound incredible. He definitely has talent. I'd love to get him lessons... but that's down the road a little bit I think. Besides... some people argue that a person who plays well by ear shouldn't learn to play by reading. I dunno... I just don't want ANYTHING to take away the fun he's having with it now. I remember my piano lessons... lots of repetition and scales.... fingers must be this way.... sit up straight.... etc. I want him to have as much fun as he can. :o)

Amanda is doing well. She and her boyfriend Gene (yes... the 40-year-old-man) moved into their own place. She's working, as is he. He's driving 45 min a day to get to work... with no vehicle, as his was repoed... so I'm not sure how he's doing. But I know Amanda is happy to have her own apartment. This is her first time living somewhere where she is pulling her own weight... paying rent, utilities, food, etc. I try to warn her of the 'life lessons' I learned the hard way... but she's pretty determined to do things her way regardless. I'm just happy that she is healthy and happy. What more could a mom ask for???

Some of you asked about mom. She is doing just fine. Her heart was messed up before, and it's my understanding that this thing they did was supposed to fix it for her... so it's a good thing!

Well, I just decided on the name for this post - 'cheapskate' - and it's probably fitting for my frame of mind today! And thinking of that makes me think of something else you can all pray about. Our VEHICLES. Our little Durango has been a live saver since getting the kids. It's a work-truck for Chris and it's the only vehicle that all 6 or 7 of us can get into. When we didn't know for sure how long the kids were going to be with us, we thought - after they go home, we'll just buy a little 4-cylinder car for just Chris, Jono and I. Well.... now that's not an option. The transmission is getting pretty bad in the Durango and I suppose it's just a matter of time before it's gone all together. Our credit tanked after the kids moved in, so buying something right now is not really a good idea. We've got to make due with what we have. So... pray that God will let us ride around in it a little longer. Four years longer would be perfect actually. :o) God can do anything -- so squeezing 4 years life out of this Durango isn't so impossible!

Boy... I didn't really mean to just vent on rotten things today - but that sure is what it looks like! From shoes and bras to cars.... LOL

Hey... have you thanked God today for your blessings? What about your obstacles?? You know, those things help us as well. Sometimes when going through or around an obstacle, we can learn and experience the most wonderful experiences of our lives. If you haven't done so yet today... do it now..... :o)

Exhausted

This is going to be a quick blog as I'm physically and emotionally exhausted.

First off... my mom is in the hospital having just had some kind of surgery on her heart. I got the news a couple of hours ago that she was in recovery and doing well. I've had this cold so I'm not going to see her at the hospital tonight.... but do please keep her in your prayers for a quick recovery. Love you mom!

Next... Julie came over for a visit tonight. She had planned on coming over every Wednesday night. Since she checked out of the hospital yesterday 'against medical advice', I wasn't sure if she was coming over. I called her at 5pm and she sounded horrible - slurring and sleepy. She said she DID want to come over tonight, but she thought it was mid-morning and said she'd be over later tonight. I explained that it was already 5 at night and maybe she should come over another day. Nope... she wanted to come over today. I asked her if she was in any 'condition' to drive - she said she could, so she came over.

To say the visit was odd would be an understatement. Julie was out of it... maybe just not feeling well... but I think a little more than that. She wanted her kids to just hug her and hold her. She told them that they could move back in with her when they turned 18. They said they were going to college then, and she -- really emphasized she wanted them home. It was just weird. She seemed......... like she could fall asleep while just sitting there. Tired, obviously very tired... and kept shutting her eyes and drifting off into sleep while talking or listening.

Oddly, Kayte and Justin both thought she was fine. Kayla at one point asked Julie what was wrong with her, and Kayte and Justin both told their mom that they thought she was just fine. Kayla wanted answers. She was obviously upset with her mom... saying "why couldn't you just stay in the hospital when you need to be there, or stay out of the hospital and just get better on your own". I explained to Kayla (in front of Julie) that she needed to try to understand that this (I said as pointing out Julie sitting at the table, enormously overweight, perhaps drugged on some kind of medication, sleeping even as I was talking and certainly in her own little world) might be as good as her mom COULD do. And that... if this was indeed as good as it gets... that she was going to have to learn to be okay with it.

Another reason Kayla was obviously upset (and she said so to Julie) was that Julie didn't call her on her birthday yesterday. Julie sure knows when it's Ron's birthday or date of his death. But yesterday, she had no clue that it was Kayla's 16th birthday. When Kayla asked her about it, Julie said that she had called to talk to Kayla. Lucky for me that when Julie called for me, I couldn't find a phone and I had her on speaker phone at the time because Kayte actually reminded her mom that she DIDN'T remember it was Kayla's birthday, nor did she ask to talk to her. She just said something about 'oh, was that today?' and then changed the subject. Julie denied it, but Kayte said that she was in the room when Julie called. (Kayte who, up until this time, was very much on her mom's side of everything all night) Julie - of course - came with nothing today, not even a card or a 'happy birthday' hug and kiss for Kayla. I know Kayla was deeply hurt by this. Sheesh.........

All of the kids questioned Julie as to why she was baker's acted (which Julie now denies) and why she left against medical advice. Julie just told them she simply didn't want to be there. I explained to her that leavng AMA usually means your insurance isn't going to foot the bill, but she said she didn't care. But... as fate would have it... Julie has to go back to the hospital anyways. Dr. Vergeese and her work both say she needs a note saying she was in the hospital. Since she left AMA, they didn't give her anything. They didn't even give her drivers license back because they really didn't want her to leave. Sigh............ She's going to have to go back in and be evaluated if they are going to write her a note.

I tried to explain to Dr. Vergeese and Nick what it is like when Julie comes over. She sits somewhere... sofa... chair... table.... and demands that everything be done for her and that everyone do what she wants them to do. Pluck my eyebrows... rub my feet... get me a sandwich.... get me a drink... pass me the remote.... rub my back.... scratch my arm............ get my shoes...... what's for dinner?..... it's never ending and exhausting.

More than anything I want Julie to come over here and ACT like a mother. But that's just not going to happen.

Oooooo... and I also found out today that the kids (Kayla, Justin and Kayte) all watched that Movie that Julie brought over - Jackass 2 - unrated. I was FURIOUS with them over this. They knew I didn't want them to... that I objected to it. But their mom brought it so they thought it was fine anyways.

A prelude of things to come??? I guess time shall tell.

For now... I've got to run. I still don't feel well myself with this cold. And ... I have a big day tomorrow. But more on that at another time.

It's Official....

Well.... it's official. The kids have been given to us permanently. Julie is not allowed to see them unless she is 'within eye-site of me at all times'.

I was surprised at how quick everything went today. I arrived right at 10 an they called us back first. Julie wasn't there, she is still in the hospital. Her attorney wasn't there. I tried to call Julie on my cell phone and tell her to call in so that she could be on speaker phone for the meeting, but the Judge wouldn't have it. (He chastized me for being on the phone.) He said he wouldn't allow her to 'call in' for the meeting anyways.

The DCF said everything they had to say. They explained that although Julie had been trying to follow her case plan, she was not mentally... maturing. They stated that she was unable to be present today because she had been baker's acted. They said that Julie told them the reason she was in the hospital was because of her sugar, but Nick stated that when he spoke with her in person there, that he couldn't even understand her - she had such slurred speech. He stated that he felt that Julie was in the hospital for some kind of misuse of medication. He stated that her decision making process was not good and therefore they were changing their request for unsupervised visits and asking the courts that all Julie's visits be supervised. The judge agreed.

The asked the guardian ad litem for their thoughts. They said that they 'whole-heartedly agreed' with the decision to give us permanent custody with only supervised visits by Julie.

The judge asked me if I was clear on what 'supervised vists' meant. He told me that Julie was never to be with the kids when she was not within eye-site of me. I told him that I understood.

Then the judge asked me if I had any questions. I had written a list between last week and this week to take with me. (surprise, surprise huh? LOL)

The kids will still have Medicaid benefits which is good because that gives them Dental coverage. I then realized that ALL of my other questions/concerns were null and void. Other questions I was going to ask were: What if Julie takes them and breaks the rules? Who do I call? What happens when Julie goes back to court and tries to get her kids back... can you assure me that they will re-staff the case and not just give them back to her immediately? But with Supervised visits... none of these things are of issue. The judge and everyone there pretty much told me that, given Julie's mental health issues - she would need a miracle to get her kids back.

When I called to tell Julie as best I could about what happened, and she found out that her visits had to be supervised she said "well, I guess since you weren't going to let me bring them to my house that's fine. I can't do anything anyways. I don't care." I was dumbfounded at this response. Her lack of caring. She could take them ANYWHERE - except her home. And yet, because of that, she doesn't care about seing them alone. Just sad really.

I went to the prayer chapel at Church this past Sunday and prayed about the whole thing. Julie had just been baker's acted earlier that day... and I knew that this was going to GREATLY affect what was going to happen at court today. I prayed and angry prayer... asking God WHY... why did Julie have to go through all of this? Why can't He, who can do ANYTHING, just make her better - like right NOW? In my heart I felt the answer.... Julie has had mental illness for 37 years... if she were healed, it would be a process - a long process, no overnight. Not in a month. Not even in a year. 37 years of mental problems... and it was going to take quite some time for her to get better, if it's possible for her to do so.

Julie probably should have never had kids to begin with. But she had Ron, and he was her rock... her strength... he gave Julie and those kids 13 happy years. He went to war to fight for our freedom and as a result, went to be with God. And the BEST place for these kids as a result of all of this... is with me. How great it is though that the kids AND Julie had those 13 years.

I remember when we first got the kids... we all felt Julie needed long-term treatment. You know, one of those places Dr. Phil sends his guests to... the kind of place that nobody should really be able to afford but they are out there anyways. Julie needs something like that. Some place where they will really listen to her. Dig deep into her psyche. Teach her how to take pills without abusing them. Teach her how to take care of herself. And really work with her. Yet, I don't know if such a place exists for people like Julie. Instead she is bakers acted, treated for 24-48 hours and released. Sigh.........

Today is Kayla's 16th Birthday. We are taking her to some crab place down in Brandon. I want to celebrate with the kids... but I don't know if that is the right thing to do. For if you look at it another way, today it's official that their mom lost custody of them permanently. Although, I'd rather think of it as the day their relationship with their mom -- changed. She's still a part of their lives. She still can come and see them. She can still attend their birthday parties, Christmas, Easter, etc. She just isn't charged with raising them. She can truly BE more of a friend than a mom... which is what she was trying to do anyways. And yet... I don't know how the kids are going to take it.

But ya know... these kids are resiliant. They have shocked me at every turn. They are great kids who get better every day. I'll bet they are going to surprise me with how well they take this news today. :o)

Speaking of today... I finally got the cold that everyone else had last week. YUCK, I feel horrible. Happy, yet horrible. :o) And with that, I've got to run to work - lunch time is over. Thank you for all of your prayers. Please continue them as we begin a new chapter in our lives.

Baker's Act and Report Cards

Something is going on with Julie - yet again. Sigh........

I called her at 2 pm this afternoon to talk to her about Kayla's birthday on Tuesday. On the other end of the phone was this person's voice whom I have not heard in quite some time. Every time she talked, you could only hear slurred speech and confusion - I was actually laughing at one point because I had to ask her to repeat herself four times. I put her on speaker phone so that Chris could hear her as well. It was awful. She had not yet even gotten out of bed.

There are a couple of reasons she could be like this. One is that she is on a cough medicine with Codiene in it. Julie doesn't take anything as directed or in moderation, so she very well may have taken too much. Or.... combined with the fist full of pills she takes every day, maybe there was some kind of reaction. The other reason could be her insulin.

She is supposed to take from 6 - 12 units a day. Julie REMEMBERS taking no less than 210 units today. Two hundred and ten. She just called me and told me that her doctor recommended that her doctor thinks she should go to the Emergency Room. (Gee... ya THINK????) It never occured to Julie that taking thirty-five times the regular dose of insulin might actually HURT her.

Julie said that she didn't want to go to the ER because 'it would be held against her in court'. I told her that it would be held against her if she was nearly dying and did nothing about it! I tried to explain to her that she needed to take CARE of herself. That... months from now... or years from now... if she was taking good care of herself; eating right, exercising, mentally strong and stable; that these kinds of things (running the the hosptial all the time) would be a non-issue. And THAT was what the court was looking for... they are looking for her to be STABLE. Not for her to refuse medical treatment when needed. She simply............ doesn't get it.

On to good news.

The kids got their report cards. ALL FOUR of them have all A's, B's and a few C's. NOBODY received a D or an F. This is the FIRST TIME EVER that they have done this. I am so so so so so proud of them.... you just can't imagine. When Kayla realized that she was not on restriction for the first time in a very long time, she nearly cried she was so happy.

Jonathan, well I could just do kart-wheels I'm so happy for him. He is spending the night and day with his Nana and Papa Jimmie. This is GREAT for him since he doesn't get to see them very much anymore (now that we are so far from South Tampa). I miss him though.... I called him on the phone and almost didn't recognize him because his voice was so low. :o)

Someone at church today asked me if I knew why the kids had done so well in school. I'm telling ya... it has to be the Wow Wall. Surrounding the kids with positive motivation all the time, it's worked for them. They strive to get A's and B's to put up on the wall and have little 'contests' with each other to see who has the most on the Wow Wall. All the striving for the A's and B's to put up on the wall have helped their grades go up. Yeah!

At Church today we talked about going from "Whatever" to "Wow". I realized during the sermon that we have not lived a "whatever" life since the end of 2006 when everything happened with the kids. Pastor Matthew talked about how sometimes God wants to do something in our life but we resist. I thought of all the things that God has asked us to do in our lives... and we have not resisted at all. None of it. Questioned it, sure. But at the same time realized that it was out of our hands and trused that God knew what he was doing. Oddly I then found an email from my mom when I was talking to her when all of this first happened. I was afraid... afraid of taking the kids... what it would mean financially... what a huge undertaking... the feeling of taking them 'from' my sister... afraid that I didn't have any more to give (remember we still had Doug at home and he wasn't doing well and Amanda had just moved out)... afraid that I wasn't the 'right' person to be doing this - maybe their Grandma Gwen should take them, or Auntie Katie.

What I kept thinking about during Matthew's message was that he really didn't talk about how to KEEP living the wow life if you are already there. Because, let me be the first to tell ya, SURE it's stressful over here and down-right crazy at times. But it's also incredible to live in the 'wow'... and I want to keep it up. I'm certain that at some point down the road things are going to calm down and a "new normal" will be established. Once that happens, it may FEEL like there are less "wows" as they won't be as evident or -- in your face, so to speak. But I still want to live for Him... doing the right thing, every day of my life.

Speaking of doing the right thing. Julie just called. She is at the hosptial and nearly wrecked her car getting there. (She drove herself there - can't say a sentance straight - but drove herself.) They do not feel it was the insulin, they believe she has overdosed on her prescriptions. Julie claims she didn't, but in her frame of mind... maybe she doesn't remember. I do know that when Julie doesn't feel well (and she's been sick lately) she tends to take pills until she feels better. They said they are going to bakers act her. She said that it's okay because Brandon Hospital doesn't have a psychiatric ward so it won't look to the courts as if she went in for psychiatric reasons. I don't know what this means now about Tuesday, if she'll be out of the hospital in time for the court hearing. I told her that she should call Nick (he probably should hear her right now in the manner in which she is speaking) and ask him herself. While talking to her about this, she said "I thought that mom did....." then she stopped, and I said "what are you talking about?" She said, "oh, I was dreaming!" Jeez............ Something is most definately wrong with her, and as I said before, I haven't heard her this bad since last Christmas.

Jonathan just got home... and I missed him terribly this weekend. I better run.

Joy is not in things, it is in us.
Benjamin Franklin

Julie's Latest Roommate/Boyfriend

Yesterday afternoon was horrid. I received a phone call from Nick (the DCF/Hillsborough Kids supervisor).

Let me start by asking you this question..... "What is the ONE thing that would be the WORST kind of person Julie could meet and bring into her life. Worst being the worst case scenario for her wanting to get her kids back and her wanting unsupervised visits?" Think of the answer to that question and keep reading.

Nick told me that Julie's former roommate, Kat, had called in and written a report (complaint or accusation) about Julie and some poor decisions she had been making. Kat approached DCF because she was afraid of Julie being alone with her kids, which Julie had told her was going to happen soon. As I said, Kat was a roommate of Julie's and she has a small baby. Kat up and moved out with no notice one day - Julie came home and all of Kat's stuff was just -- gone. Kat named names of guys who were dating and (Kat says) living with Julie. One of them was named Rafael. Nick told me he could not tell me any more than that. I asked Nick if this guy was in a gang or was wanted by police and he said no.... but he couldn't tell me any more than that.

I found out shortly thereafter what was going on. Julie was online in some chat room where she met this guy... Rafael... the chat room was for parents who had 'lost' their kids. Rafael too had lost his children to DCF - lost them because he was sexually molesting them. Julie knew of this, but claims that she believes he didn't do it, even said that she had seen something in writing saying he didn't do it. (Course Julie isn't the brightest about this kind of thing) When Kat gave his name... DCF knew exactly who he was as they were actively working on his case. Because Nick was on his case, he was unable to give me any information about it.

I'm assuming that this was the reason Kat moved out of the house. And to say that DCF and the Guardian Ad Litem's office is a buzz about this would be a huge understatement. They are on fire... moving fast.

Nick plans on surprising Julie with a home visit. He said that there is absolutely no way she can possibly have unsupervised visits given this new information. He says... this changes everything. At next Tuesday's meeting he plans on closing the case an NOT allowing unsupervised visits. This would KILL Julie. My mind is reeling... my heart is breaking for her... and there is not a darn thing I can do about any of it.

Ironically, I'm not surprised. Julie is and always has been a sex addict, so her having men living there is not of a surprise to me - nor is it a surprise that she had a total and complete lack of rational thought about this man's morals and bringing him into her life given is shady past and current open investigation. This is one of the reasons the kids were taken from Julie to begin with -- Julie doesn't think about what is in the best interest of her Children... Julie does what is in Julie's best interest. Period.

On the positive emotional side of it, it's better that this is something that happened that Julie 100% did on her own and I had not a single iota of a hand in. (Meaning, unlike Julie offering the kids alcohol in my house, where I still was THERE and I was still the one who had to REPORT it.) I suppose if they are going to not allow her to have unsupervised visits, it's better for ME that it is because of something she did on her own that was reported some other way other than by me.

I asked Nick what was going to happen if Julie just said "Oh, I just know him, I'm not dating him. And if it'll make everyone feel better, I'll just stop seeing him". He said the problem was not only in that she was dating him, it was her horrible lack of judgement in doing so and her hiding it from everyone.

Dottie reminded me of the staffing in which DCF said they were going to have to do a home study on Julie and her house. (Come out and completely analyze everything going on in and around your home) They said they 'needed' to do this because Kat was there. Julie QUICKLY pointed out that Kat no longer lived there and she had no intentions of moving anyone else in, so they did not need to come out. Dottie said that she thought Julie appeared to be hiding something at that time. Funny really.

Speaking of the staffing... at the staffing the ONE thing I told Julie in front of everyone - if she had unsupervised visits, the ONE place she was NOT allowed to bring the kids was to her home. I cited multiple reasons for this... one being that there were still many memories which I didn't think they were ready to handle yet - the garage that was usually heavily covered in smoke from pot, the side of the house which they and their neighbors would go to sneak puffs of pot, the bedrooms in which they have vivid memories of other people having sex in their beds.... not to mention the fact that there are still many friends and neighbors whom I know were very 'bad' people and influences... but I don't know who they are nor how to keep the kids away from them. I don't trust Julie to do it on her own... so - the ONLY place I said she could not bring the kids -- her home.

Mom calls Julie yesterday... says "So, Julie, when you get your first unsupervised visit with the kids... what are you going to do?" Julie could have said anything... go to the park... to the mall... to the movies... for a walk.... just drive around... what does Julie say as the ONLY response? She's going to take the kids to her HOUSE. I was like............... WHATTTTTT???? Furthermore, Julie goes on to explain that - once the State closes the case... she can do ANYTHING she wants to do and nobody can say anything about it. I was livid.

I did talk to Julie about this last night... she said "I'm sick, I didn't know what I was saying". Yeah, right. So then she wants to talk to the kids to tell them that she was wrong. Wanting to hear what she is telling them, I listen in on the conversation. She tells them that she HAS to do whatever Auntie Tina tells them to do because "she is the boss". Justin said "I'm sure if Auntie Tina didn't want us there, she has a very good reason for it". Julie just replied with a "humph". (Who is the child and who is the adult in that conversation?? Hmmmm)

Julie then proceeds to tell the kids NOT to tell ANYONE but she's going to be getting a new roommate, Arthur. I've talked about Arthur before... he thought he was Kayla's father for a long time. He treats the kids very firmly (oddly as if they were his own kids). And when he and Julie broke up last time, he did some VERY bad things (hateful emails to everyone on Julie's computer, telling Kayla that he was glad that he wasn't her real father, etc). Now... I could care less honestly if this guy moves in with her. As her 'sister' I'm not thrilled, but it's not my life. But what I do COMPLETELY despise is Julie telling the kids to LIE to me and everyone else. To hide it. This really bothers me and I'm not sure what to do about it. This puts the kids in an awful situation that they should not be in.

I am just sick with nerves right now.
- What if they close the case with unsupervised visits? How am I supposed to trust Julie? She's already got it in her mind that she is allowed to do anything she wants with no rules.
- What if they close the case and say she has to have supervised visits? Then I'm stuck babysitting - for what? Forever?? Oh my good LORD.
- What if Julie finds out the truth that getting her kids back after the case is closed will be nearly impossible and she slips into depression?

I just finished reading the book "God's Smuggler" and the one thing I kept thinking as I was worrying about this all morning... maybe this happening was the result of God literally TAKING this out of my hands... Him telling me not to worry about it. Maybe God is saying.... I know you were worried about whether supervised or unsupervised was the right thing to do for the kids... I'll just take over and make the decision simple and take it out of your hands so you have nothing you need to worry about. Worry about what you can change - and leave the rest to Me.

On top of it, we've got lots going on at the house... Kayla's 16th Birthday is next week and she only wants to go out for all-you-can-eat crab legs (UCKKKK) and to go roller skating with a few friends. Sounds do-able, but add to that Justin wants to enroll in Baseball (Northside called last night and said they would bend the rules ever so slightly and will allow him to play there). But the cost - total - is $195. He reeeeeaallly wants to do it. I just don't know if I CAN. Tomorrow is an all-therapy day for the kids - which puts me out another $75. Then Jonathan's birthday is around the corner in February. Can't imagine why I'm worried, eh? God will make a way.... I'm sure he will. He always does.

Last night - after my afternoon-from-hell - I just wanted to go home, eat dinner, watch a little TV, sip a little wine, and go to bed early. I got home from work late (I hate leaving unless everything I have 'to-do' is done) and it was 7 pm by the time I finished explaining everything to Chris and we realized we needed to do something for dinner. We had already missed choir rehearsal. It was too late to defrost something and then start dinner... so.... we all got in the car and went to dinner! Now -- this may seem pretty normal -- but we have not been out to dinner, just the 6 of us all together, not ONCE in over a year since the kids have been with us. The kids thought it was a REAL treat. (Me too!!) We ate a very inexpensive dinner at Bob Evans, and I remember looking at the bill realizing that I could have spent the same amount of money had I gone to the grocery store to buy food just for the dinner that night.

The kids were.... excited. Loud. Excited and loud, yes, the two best words for them last night. When we got home, I told them that I had had a really bad day and I wanted them all to go to bed early so that I could have some quiet 'me-time' before 10:30 at night. They've also all been sick, so on top of them all bouncing off the walls, they are sneezing, coughing and hacking. UGG. So.... I give them all meds to help their colds.... and at 9 pm and all the kids went to their rooms. YESSSSS! Chris and I watched a little "Smallville".... had a glass of wine..... and went to bed early. Perfect!

I didn't tell you about Julie's last visit on Wednesday night. She came over, and wanted spaghetti for dinner. Chris cooked for us (yeah Chris!) and we ate rather early. Julie was not feeling very well (she's sick as well, she says she has bronchitis). But the kick is.... she brought over the movie "Jackass II, The Unrated Version". You know, the one she agreed the kids shouldn't see??? The one that had things so vulgar they couldn't put them in a movie. It irked me that we had agreed to not let the kids see it (although at the last visit she said the kids could watch it when they got home) - and she chose to bring it over anyways. But other than that, the visit was short and sweet. She went home early because she wasn't feeling well. Sigh.....

As I sit here typing my blog I realize why I do this. All morning long my heart was racing, palms sweaty, and nervous about everything going on with Julie and the kids. But I put it down here... and I reflect on what my heart is telling me. I realize that there is nothing I can do about Julie's decisions. I realize that this very well may be God's plan to take this out of my hands. I say it all the time in my blog... let God's will be done.... yet actually living it day-to-day is so very difficult. But when I put it down on paper (or the screen I guess) and I can look back, re-read, and reflect.... it becomes so very clear. Often time my own hubby will sit down and read my blog and say "wow, I didn't know you felt that way". And the fact of the matter is... often times even I don't know I'm feeling a certain way until I start to put it down. Then it all comes bubbling out and you end up with a novel of a blog. LOL

I suppose it somewhat saddens me that I need to write in order to feel the sense of calmness that I feel after blogging. Surely I should be able to see God's hand in things as they happen, not wait until reflecting later. But I suppose it's better late than never, eh?

Please pray for this situation. Pray for the kids... pray for us.... pray for Julie. God's will be done. Between now and next Tuesday it should get interesting. Expect to see more blogs from me asking for continued prayers.

The Final Staffing

Well.... I suppose the staffing couldn't have gone any better.

Nick (the Supervisor) ran the meeting and basically just talked to Julie. He admitted over and over again how much better Julie is doing, but at the same time, told her that she had a long way to go. He would mention things like how in a conversation he had with her at the courthouse she lied about something - which he found out because he pulled her medical records - and she just replied with "my bad". Over and over again in her medical records... the same words kept coming up --- "non-compliant". Even though she seems to be doing better even now, she is still non-compliant. Sad really.

Long story short.... at the staffing they sugar-coated everything for Julie. They made it appear as if: they were going to close the case, she could see her kids more often and without 'big brother' watching, and that - when she was ready and when her doctor would sign something saying she was ready, she could just simply go to court and get her kids back. End of story. But although there is nothing really 'wrong' in that, it's really not nearly that simple.

I confirmed with Nick today that - Julie would have to get a letter from her Psychiatrist stating she was now ready to raise her kids again. She would go to court and a judge would decide if they could reopen the case. He says yes, the case is reopened and DCF, Hillsborough Kids and the Guardian Ad Litem get involved in everything just as they are now. They evaluate the situation, monitor everything, and will slowly incorporate the kids back into Julie's life. However, in Julie's mind... she thinks in 9 months or so she's going to go to court in the morning and come to my house in the afternoon and pick up the kids.

I understand why they sugar-coated it. None of us want to see Julie kill herself - of course.

Then I get calls today from Nick, Dr. Vergeese and Dottie.

Dottie (the Guardian Ad Litem) wants to make sure I clearly understand what is going to happen. She explains that I will be totally on my own after they cut the ties in court. That as much as I hate being the one person who has to watch her 'for' DCF, it's now going to be more important than ever that I do that on my own. Log everything just in case she goes to court and I don't think Julie really is ready. That - Julie will be having unsupervised visits which means I won't be there to be able to see for myself if she is behaving or not. I may find out when it's too late next time and then I'd have a crisis to manage on my own. It's a lot to digest... and I understand what she is saying. But - according to Nick - this is our only choice right now.

Nick called returning my call to find out for sure what would happen when Julie goes to try to get her kids back. He confirmed everything I said above, and said that he felt it would be nearly impossible for Julie to get the kids back. Not totally impossible, but very much not likely.

Then Dr. Vergeese called. Julie showed up for her appointment today over an hour late and he didn't want to see her. He was frustrated. I told him how the meeting went, and told him that Julie had agreed to Permanent Custody. Then I explained how Julie was given 'fluff-talk' to make it sound as if everything was going to be simple this way. He just told me, "Tina, it doesn't really matter, Julie is not ready to get her kids back right now. Nowhere near ready." He then expressed concern with unsupervised visits... asking me what would happen if Julie brought the kids to her home against my wishes (and apparently he doesn't want her to do that either for some reason). He kept telling me that the State needed to give Julie VERY specific guidelines on what she can and can not do with her kids. I told him that they told me that I would responsible for setting guidelines and enforcing them. He said "enforcing how?". Good question. I don't know. He is VERY concerned about Julie having no guidelines... No.... very concerned is an understatement of his behavior.

I told him that I understood why he was concerned. I know that HE wants the state to give Julie complete detailed instructions of what to do and how to do it... that I understood that Julie worked best like that. (Things she can accomplish like a checklist). But - I told him - once the State closes the case, they could honestly care less at how Julie does. That the State just wanted to make sure the kids were safe. If Julie is never well enough to get them back... they really don't care. It sounds cold - but it's the way they look at it.

The kids took the news remarkably well. Sure, they want to live with their mom - but they are happy with us as well. They are THRILLED that they will be able to spend the night with friends now. (If approved by us obviously) Kayte and Kayla go to see their therapist on Saturday and I'm curious to see if they are really doing well with this deep down, or if they are holding anything in.

Speaking of seeing the therapist and Kayla.... I was.......... thinking about asking her therapist if it was 'time' to allow Kayla internet access again. I know, I know, I said that I would never ever let her on the internet again. But she is doing so well.... she calls to check in with us, she does what she is told. She thinks ahead of time as to if she's doing something she might get in trouble for and asks about it. I would assume it's her Prozac working... so maybe it's time to give her a little freedom on the internet - albeit monitored freedom.

The funny thing is that - of the two girls - I'm more concerned with Kayte right now. Although she isn't directly 'involved' with anyone that is getting into trouble - she knows a LOT of people who are. She can easily name more than 10 people that she knows that have been arrested or put in Juvie. She knows even more than that who have been kicked out of school. She knows people who are in gangs here in Carrollwood.

Just the other day she went to the mall with a friend of hers. Her friend had a guy come up to her and wanted them to 'hang out with' him. This guy was scared... said that some gang (the Bloods or something like that) were going to beat him up. The girls decided not to hang out with him. Later that night, the boy had sure enough been jumped by these guys and it resulted in a stabbing and he got slashed in the face. Police and ambulance were there... it was bad.

Granted, Kayte and her friend were not directly involved. As she was telling me the story, I was not surprised. I caught myself wondering WHY wasn't I surprised by what I was hearing. Surely if Amanda or Jonathan had told me this same story I would have been FREAKING out!! Yet, with Kayte, I was not surprised. I realized that it was because, although she was not directly involved with these people, she knew of them. Friends of friends. And.... that is too close to being involved for me. I told Kayte that I was very unhappy with her choice of 'friends' and who she knows that have been in trouble. I told her no good could come of it and that if she wanted to make something of herself in life... she HAD to push away from that NOW.

This story came to us before we found out for sure we would get permanent custody. Last night when talking to the kids about what was going to happen with permanent custody... I told her that - in the past I had been lenient about this (and other things) as I understood it was a lifestyle they were somewhat accustomed to before living with me. But now that they were going to be 'legally mine' all that shit was going to stop immediately. When I tell her not to hang out with someone, it's going to be just because I said so... no discussion. If I say I don't want them to listen to booty music with vulgar lyrics at all, they are not going to listen to it - end of story.

And - I want to be clear here too.... I check on Kayte a LOT right now because of her knowing these people. I read her myspace all the time. Her friends list has lots of girls, and most of the guys look like they should be on "America's Most Wanted, Teen Edition". But she talks about them liking friends of hers... or her favorite lip gloss... or she's just bored... or what she had for dinner.... nothing earth-shattering by any means. Very childish, but expected as, after all, she is only 13. But I don't want anyone to get the impression she's becoming a wild child. I just think that through myspace and through friends of friends she 'knows' about these people. And I'm not liking it one bit. I will find a way to get her back on track though. :o)

Totally off subject, we've got to plan a vacation for the 6 of us. We should be going to the beach with Chris's step-sister Jennifer, her husband (and two new babies!), and their whole family/friends. But -- I dunno. It's all shared... like it's one big family although 6 or 7 different families, all come together to cook meals and hang out. I don't know about all 6 of us going. It would be FUN. But that's a lot of us... ya know? I dunno.... if we get our refund check quickly, I might just call and see what it would be to rent the condo for the week of the Fourth of July... if they have any condo's left. The kids all love the beach so much. And getting a condo is always great because you cook there. Love saving money! :o)

Report cards come home on Friday! I can't wait to tell you how everyone did. Kayte thinks she MIGHT have gotten honor roll. Jonathan... well.... I don't know what to guess about Jonathan. I hope and pray he did well. The high schoolers I know did well... all As, Bs and Cs. Although they know that now we expect only As and Bs from them. :o) It'll be really fun with them all in the same school next year. I know Jonathan is looking forward to having Chorus again. This year is his first year of having no chorus at all since...... well.... I don't know how long. Ben Hill just doesn't have any kind of music program. Sad huh?

I better run. Julie has a visit tonight and I've got to prepare myself for it. (Breathe in... breathe out.... ) On top of that the lady from the Children's Home will be at my house at 5 for a meeting as well. We've done nothing with them at all... it's been a complete waste of time thus far. I hope to get that appointment over with quickly.

I thank you all for your continued thoughts and prayers every day. I can't tell you how much it means to know that people pray for us often.

God's Will Be Done

I have soooo much to catch up on, I'm afraid if I put it all into a long blog it'll be....... long. But here goes anyways and we'll see how far I get. Dottie (the Guardian Ad Litem) is due over any minute.... so if this blog comes through as scattered thoughts - that's why.

I quit the Toast of Tampa chorus. That was a big huge thing for me. Why did I leave??? Well, I knew there was no way possible I was going to go with them to Calgary (International Competition) later this year. But I still wanted to go and just SING on Tuesday nights. I don't know how to describe this type of singing... it's barbershop and very competitive. I sing... okay... at Church... but I'm VERY good at Barbershop singing. It's just a different style - more ring, ping, vowel matching, etc. Not soloist singing by any means. The problem with going on Tuesday nights and not competing with them is that.... well.... they don't want it! They want everyone who is with them at rehearsal going to compete with them... all riding the same journey. And - I get that. As their former President and section leader - I totally get it. But I was planning on just going to sing on Tuesday nights until something came up that made me have to stop.

Then they had some changes in the chorus. The director was moving and I had to hear about it online and from someone outside of the chorus a good month before the chorus had news of it. I felt he should have told us - his chorus family - first. Then they announced that Debbie was going to direct, but I read on the internet (again) that she was NOT wanting to direct. More weeks go by and the chorus doesn't know what's going on. Management does, but they do not tell the regular members. Then they got the MOST awesome Tony DeRosa to direct, which I heard about from people outside of the chorus. But again, the chorus didn't know about it until just this past week.

You should also understand that we're not talking about someone volunteering their time to come and direct a chorus - the chorus pays VERY well... in excess of $40 k a year. For a part-time gig on Tuesday nights, that ain't bad at all! I was hurt to hear this from outside of the chorus, hurt that our leaders in the chorus withheld the information from it's members. Even though they didn't have a 'firm' director... the chorus should have known something was going on - in my humble opinion. And I can't stress that enough - my OPINION.

Anyways, you add the director change to my knowledge of not going to international with the chorus - and it seemed like the right time to bow out.

Besides... with singing at church in the choir and on the praise team, I'm musically fulfilled anyways. Granted it's not the same, but in some ways it's better. Standing on the stage and trying NOT to perform, trying to let the Holy Spirit fill me in such a way that it will move at least one person at Church. It's just a totally different experience, and I'm LOVING it.

I was talking to Chris about this whole thing the other day. When I left the chorus 2 years ago, I had to leave. I was broke - Chris had just lost his job, I was just starting a new job, Doug was living with us and his savings was just about tapped out, and can't forget that Amanda was with us as well. Then the three kids moved in and I really had no money! It felt like I left the chorus before my time was up... I left because I had to because of my circumstances. This time... I left because I felt like it was truly the right thing for me to do at this point in my life. I have not one single regret.

I am reading the most wonderful book - "God's Smuggler", given to me by Smitty - who's blog is noted to the right under my favorite people. It took me a while to get the time to read... then when I did start it was difficult for me to get into it. The book begins before the Cold War - and he talks about his wooden shoes in the first chapter. It was just difficult for me to get into it at first. But then.... it was just amazing and continues to amaze me. I'm sitting here right now wishing I were reading it instead of blogging. But dinner is in the oven (Dottie has already come and gone) and will be ready in the next few minutes. When I get done with the book I'll share more about it, but not to the point of ruining it. It's just a GREAT book.

Smitty asked that I pass the book onto someone else when I'm done with it. If you are interested in reading this book and would like to be the one after me to read it, please reply to me and I will be happy to send it on to you. Provided that you promise to send it to someone else when you are done. As Smitty said in his blog, this is not a book that needs to sit on a shelf collecting dust. It needs to be read and shared. No doubt about it.

Okay... dinner is done. :o)

I'm sick with worry over tomorrow's visit for the Staffing. But the weird thing is that I don't know WHY I'm so worried. I know it's in God's hands. It always has been. I wrote to Pastor Matthew and Jason today and asked for prayers though. You see... I usually go to these things with very well thought-out and well-written letters expressing my opinions, concerns and thoughts. Armed with my letter, and with strong prayers said before I go into the meetings, things have gone okay. But tomorrow............ tomorrow I'll be armed with only prayer. I know that Julie has told others that she thinks I'm trying to 'steal' her kids. And I don't want anything to do with this decision, should they decide on permanent guardianship. But saying that and re-reading what I just wrote makes it sound like fear - and that's not it either. I just know - without a doubt - that God has a plan. I trust His plan. And yet I'm sick with worry. Worried that Julie will not take this news well. Worried that she may try to kill herself over it. But knowing that I can't do anything about that, I pray and ask my friends to do the same. My prayers that I ask for is that God's will be done. That simple a prayer.

My daughter is having a pretty exciting week. She's been out of our house, but living with another couple since she left our house. Sigh.... there's so much I really shouldn't post here about how I feel about everything going on with Amanda. She's been busy - been dating her 40-year old boyfriend for 4 or 5 months now (met him in August) - they've already opened a joint checking account, are moving in together, and are talking marriage. Again - huge SIGH that I'm not going to say how I feel about it all here. "God's will be done, Tina". Sigh.... if only she knew God. But she has been talking lately about going to Church in Orlando - which is a HUUUUUGE step for her. I try to guide her without pressuring her, express my feelings without chastizing, and I pray for her often. Anyways, she was supposed to move into her apartment this last weekend, but she now is planning on next weekend. I want her to be safe and happy.

Speaking of safe and happy... Julie sent a picture of herself with Ron and the kids years ago. Julie looked so good... and they all looked so happy. Immediately I felt saddened - wishing that Julie were doing as well now as she was back then. But then I began to really think about that.... and I realized that Julie may have 'looked' better on the outside then - but inside she was still terribly messed up. Still taking her meds how she wanted. Still going to the hospital (psyc ward) every few months. Still cutting herself all the time (although hiding it then). Depressed often, Manic other times. Ron was the glue that held them all together. And I looked back at the picture again, and had to re-think that all over again because again it looked as if she was doing so well. It's so easy to judge a book by it's cover... or by the first 'few pages'.

Which makes me think about my book again! I think it's time to go read some more.