This Weekend

I'm nervous as all get-out about this weekend. Chris and I have the opportunity to spend the weekend on St. Pete beach alone for our 20th Anniversary. Oh, and for FREE. (Well, $50 clean-up fee) Of course we are going, but that leaves the kids home alone. Sigh......

They won't be totally alone - Amanda will be home, I just have to 1) make sure her work schedule is okay and 2) get her to not parent Jonathan too much. (The other kids tell me that she's really 'hard' on him all the time) I'm also trying to jot down a schedule so that I know where they are and when they'll be home. For example... Friday night Kayla and Justin have a football game they are going to. Kayla has a friend's mom that is going to take them and bring them home. Jono and Kayte will be home with Amanda. Saturday Kayla and Kayte will be going to a neighbor's party from about noon till 5. I don't know yet about Jono and Justin, I guess they'll be home all day. Then I have a friend from Church bringing over dinner for them to all eat. (I was afraid they'd eat cereal the whole time I was gone!) Much thanks Suzanne! Sunday afternoon we'll be home - so they'll really only be alone without us on Saturday. (Sheesh Tina - relax!) But I'd still feel better knowing where they are all the time and who is with them. If anyone wants to volunteer to call or drop by - drop me a line and let me know -- we'd love it.

Speaking of doing things alone and/or trusting.... I should tell you that the last THREE times Kayla has gone out, she has done so WITHOUT getting into trouble! She is so proud of herself, and of course I am proud of her too. It's funny because she is actually counting these times and bragging to her friends about it. It's odd how there are times when I am certain she is doing something just because she WANTS to be defiant and do it, and then there are other times when I know she's trying, but she lacks the basic understanding of how to do something and NOT get into trouble. It's hard because as she continues to TRY to do things correctly and NOT get into trouble, I have to allow some level of trust in her and hope that she doesn't hang herself with it. Funny... a lot like what I'm going through with Julie. It's nice to see them both moving in the right direction. :o)

Speaking of moving in the right direction, Julie is still doing VERY WELL! I'm so happy for her. I've been getting quite a bit of pressure from some family members lately. Not bad pressure... but rather... a heavy sense of empathy towards Julie because she is doing so well. Sometimes that empathy FEELS to me like they feel I'm being unreasonable towards Julie. I think the entire family is really on the same page. But I feel that there is an urge to 'take sides' for some reason... and I'm not really sure why. We ALL want the same thing... for Julie to get better and be able to raise her kids on her own. Some are a little less confident that CAN happen... but isn't that understandable? NONE of us think that Julie is such an evil person that she can not raise her kids. Some wonder if Julie will EVER be mentally WELL enough to take care of the kids. And for those who DO wonder that... it's not unfounded by any means, so it's not like we are being harsh.

I just talked to Dottie to get her feelings on how she thought things went with Julie's visit. She thought Julie did well... but noticed a few things. Justin didn't spend any time with his mom and she wasn't sure why. (He just seemed a little distant) Kayte was really overly loving towards her mom (sat on her lap most of the time). When Julie met Kayla's boyfriend she acted as if she were a teen, shaking his hand in some teenage fashion. And of course she noticed that I never stopped working and that Julie and the kids would not get up to help me. But - overall - she agreed that the visit went well in that Julie behaved herself while there.

While talking to Dottie I also tried to put into words the feeling I had when Julie was talking about things (such as fixing the broken beds). I told her that.... when Julie talked about things - like Julie now trying to clean out her garage because it has so much trash in it - that although it is GREAT that she is doing this, but at the same time, it brings back the memories of HOW things got to be that way. The garage reminded me of... the pot smoking parties out there... the gang members going through the stuff in the garage and pawning anything of value (mostly Ron's stuff)... leaving nothing left BUT the garbage. I tried to explain how it was hard to not be happy - yet sad - at the very same time.

I suppose if the kids were with Katie right now and I were looking at things... it would be easier to JUST be happy about it and not think of the bad stuff. But with constant phone calls to/from state workers, frequent psychiatric visits and constantly talking to the kids about the past so that they can see the errors/mistakes and overcome whatever led up to those events - it makes it hard, if not impossible, to be JUST happy without feeling that sense of sadness over what had happened in the recent past.

That's the great thing about blogging. You get to put your thoughts and feelings out there - then go back and read them - and often times you get to psychoanalyze yourself. LOL Getting pregnant at 17, married at 18, and having the life events that we have - I've been to more than my fair share of therapy sessions... so I get to provide therapy to myself. Too funny.

I would like to wish my mother and father-in-law (Evelyn and Jimmie Dean) a very happy Anniversary! Today is their 21st wedding anniversary. Come on everyone... sing it with me.... "Happy anniversary to you, happy anniversary to you, happy anniversary dear Evie and Jimmie, happy anniversary to you".

I'm going to end with snips from my friend Chris Kirkman's recent post. She's the one with the daughter who has cancer. (Chris is the mom, Drew is her husband, Kylie is their baby girl, and Christal just turned 8) They are living each day to it's fullest - one day at a time, one memory at a time, while Christal is still blessing the world with her presence. They had a prayer service for her on Sunday, and Chris posted the following message about it. I've edited it some for length purposes. But I really wanted to share it with you because it shows God in action, as well as the wonderful spirit of this little girl, Christal.

Yesterday, the prayer service was just beautiful and Pastor Dave did a great job with it. I think the most amazing thing to me about this was the deacons from the church coming around and laying their hands on Christal. Here is this group of men surrounding her… only one of them actually KNEW Christal. They were praying for her as if she was their daughter or grand-daughter. As they stood around her, several of them were crying for her. Not like just tears streaming down the face crying... and not sobbing... but rather what I would call weeping. This was MY daughter, and they didn't "know" her... they only knew "OF" her, and there they were... weeping for her. I was totally taken back (as I always have been) by how fervently people pray for her. It was quite touching. There was definitely a sweet spirit about this place.

Towards the beginning of the service, Kylie decided she wanted to sit riiiiiiiight by her sissy. So she got as close as she could get to Christal, and still be in my lap… she put her hand on Christal’s back and started patting her like as if to say, “Hi, my sissy… hi… this is my sissy.” Like she has a thousand times before. Then Kylie did something she really hasn’t ever done before… she put her hand on Christal’s cheek and moved her hand back and forth, like stroking it. SO gently, just adorable. Ugh, as sweet as it was I thought, “I can’t believe this little baby girl is going to have to grow up without her big sissy.” Just not the way it’s suppose to be, is it?

At the end of the service Christal sat and talked to everyone on the way out, which was a nice suggestion of Pastor Dave. Afterwards it was suggested that maybe Christal would like to be baptized. We talked to her and decided it was something that we’d be doing… RIGHT THEN! It’s not often (if ever) that Pastor Jay Dennis would get interrupted during his evening message to
do a baptism. He knew how much this meant and was HAPPY to let it happen. This entire time was so surreal as I watched her with Pastor Dave in her white robe getting ready for something so amazing happening in her life. I was just the tiniest bit envious of her, because I had been wanting to get baptized for awhile… but just hadn’t done it. When I spoke up and said, AAAAAAAAH, I’m so excited for her I could just PEE… I want to be right there with her!” When Lori realized I meant I wanted to get baptized too… they asked if I wanted to get changed and do it with her, telling me there was time. I kept saying, “No no no, not now… this is her moment.” Little did I know how the rest of the evening would unfold.

Over the next 30-40 min or so… and actually the entire evening… God had been working on Drew’s heart. As Christal and I went out front to say good-bye to Uncle T and Aunt Jodi and the kids (and others)… Drew was getting ready for the journey that would change his life. He sat in the back with Lori and started talking to her. Christal and I came back, and when we walked up… I KNEW something huge was going on. Pastor Jay came out and Lori introduced Drew to him first… it was at that moment within a few sentences that Pastor Jay asked Drew the question and he was ready to answer it in an affirmative way, “Do you want to accept Jesus into your heart as your personal savior?” And Drew answered, “Yes.” And then prayed the prayer with Pastor Jay. Within just a minute of this, he tells me that he understood that I had wanted to get baptized, and of course I told him, “Yes, that’s true.” You have to know… no one is in the church, everyone has gone home… we’re just there together behind the scenes just a few of us and he said, “Well, I’ll baptize you right here, right now if you’d like.” And my response was, “Gitty-UP, lets DO IT!” (I’m not really sure if that was the “appropriate” response, but I think Pastor understood my enthusiasm.) He then turned to Drew (who is still spinning for just accepting Christ), and asks him the same question to which his response was affirmative! This entire night could not have been more perfect.

We all walked up to the baptismal… prayed, and then it was time. This was a very surreal feeling being back at the very same location I had been just moments before with my daughter. I had just said, “No, this was her moment and it wasn’t time for me yet…” Not knowing that God was already there and knew that I in fact WAS going to be baptized that evening… but rather,
WITH the love of my life. I’m not sure I’ve ever been a part of an evening like this… rather, I KNOW I’ve never been a part of something SO unbelievable.

Afterwards Christal met Pastor Jay and told him something that she had been talking about
since her baptism, she said, “Uh…. You know I think you really need to get a slide in there, and probably a diving board too. It would be a lot more fun. I have a lot of money that I could give you… or we could raise money. I think you should really do that.”

One Of The Worst Nights Ever

Here it is... nearly midnight on Monday night... I need to be sleeping... but I just can't. My mind is reeling with events of this evening... and I know that if I blog about it, I will feel better. Here goes........

Tonight was a big night. Julie has been calling wanting to come over, unsupervised. She was off work tonight (Monday) and I told her she could come over. She has been doing SO much better. I've been debating it for a while now... and finally decided that it wasn't really in my hands anyways. See... she had gotten into trouble when she was here supervised only by me in the past. This led to visits having to be supervised from someone at a state level. Later they let my mom supervise visits. Julie is always better behaved when someone else was here to 'watch her'... which was GOOD for Julie. Allowing her to come to the house unsupervised meant that she COULD potentially do something wrong again and get into trouble again. But... I can't control that.(The next level would be totally unsupervised... meaning she could take the kids somewhere on her own, but she can't do that now, she has to have someone there with her at all times) So I let her come over. She was going to come over at 6. She wanted dinner and brownies... and offered to help cook. Cool!

I called Dottie (Guardian Ad Litem) as she has never been here to see Julie interact WITH her kids before. She kept asking when Julie was going to be over so that she could 'watch' her interact with the kids. She said she would come and was due to come over between 6 and 6:30. She's always so nice when she comes over... sits down with the kids and really listens to them.

Also due at our home this evening was Pito, Kayla's new boyfriend. He has been to the house many times, but this would be his first time meeting Kayla's mom.

I had decided to make fried chicken and rice for dinner. I saw an Emeril episode where he marinated the chicken in a mixture of Buttermilk and hot sauce overnight, then breaded and fried the chicken. It looked easy enough, so I bought the stuff to marinade and cook the dinner last night.

I arrived from work about 5:15. Chris was home but very tired and had a very bad headache... Amanda was at work... all the kids were home as was Pito. I immediately began to work on dinner... setting up the flour and spices.... getting the oil ready... pans needed... etc. About this time Dottie arrives. She has a pie in hand for the kids (she always brings something for them). Dottie and I talk a little while but I'm hard at work in the kitchen. Shortly thereafter Julie arrives and the whirlwind begins.

I want to pause quickly and stress that Julie didn't do anything wrong. Not at all. It's just the CHAOS that happens when she's here that makes it so......... stressful. And I'm fully aware it's mostly MY fault because I want her to have a good visit with her kids. I don't push the kids to do the clean up... I don't ask Julie to do things to pitch in. Anyways... back to the story.....

Julie has tons of stuff in hand. She's working now and has her own money. She brings clothes, peanuts, bread, coke (she hates my crystal lite), and a little money for each of the kids. She looks good... she has on new clothes, her nails are done real nice.... she's gained quite a bit of weight, but still looks good. SO SO much better than before. I didn't expect her to help me cook just then, of course. She was there to see her kids! But I did expect her to at least ask at some point. The kids, Julie and Dottie chatted for quite some time... at the kitchen table though so I got to..... hear but not participate.

I didn't listen to the whole conversation because I was hard at work cooking dinner for the army. I did hear Julie telling the kids all the work she was doing in their bedrooms... fixing up their beds and stuff. It was at this point when Chris whispered in my ear that he couldn't listen to this anymore and had to go somewhere else. I don't blame him... it was hard to listen to, which was why I was trying NOT to listen. What you have to realize here is that all the kids beds are broken BECAUSE of the bad stuff that happened in Julie's house the year after Ron died. They had people there who would... how do I say this nicely...... have 'relations' in their beds - so rough that it broke Kayte and Justin's bed. This is why it was hard to listen to all the work she was doing there. It's good... but it's still hard to hear. The other thing I hear them talking about on occasion is something 'new' the kids are doing. Sounding proud that they are 'doing this' and Julie calls their bluff.... "you know you don't like that, you know that this is what you REALLY like". It upsets me because the kids ARE trying to change... they ARE changing. Why is that such a bad thing? An example is the music they listen to. I won't let them listen to the DIRTY music anymore... and they even listen to Christian music now. They sing along with it in the car. But Julie 'knows' they don't REALLY like that. Ugggggg. (Note the music subject itself didn't come up tonight, it has in the past and was a good illustration for the general feel of the conversation this evening) So - they are talking and talking. I'm cooking and cooking. Cleaning and cleaning. Somewhere during this period... Dottie leaves. I was knee deep in frying so I really don't remember when.

I finished the chicken.... carrots.... rice......... tried to cook bread and ended up burning it. CRRRAP The kids half-assed set the table, so I'm trying to put ice in cups and get them on the table in time for dinner. Julie has still done nothing - AT ALL - to help with dinner or the table or anything. She sits at the head of the table and waits for everything to be done.

We have dinner... it was great by the way. Breading didn't stick so well to the chicken... but the chicken had a wonderful flavor and was very moist. Julie snuffed her nose at the carrots, proclaiming that she 'doesn't do vegetables at all'. The ONLY veggie she'll eat is corn. Of course, the kids are trying to get her to eat at least ONE carrot (they were sweet... I cooked them in pancake syrup). We finally had to promise her that we'd make brownies if she'd eat only ONE carrot. She did... hated it... but did it. I swear to God, it was like forcing a 5-year-old to eat their veggies. Only she's 37. Anyways...........

Several.......... uncomfortable......... subjects came up at the dinner table. You've heard me talk in the past about Julie's education level. She's never graduated high school nor passed her GED. She doesn't help the kids with their homework... they are above her level of learning already. At one point, the subject of math comes up. Julie mentions that she was actually very GOOD at math in school. Kayte tells her that the math Julie was good at was math they did years ago (or something to that effect) and Julie actually brags about how she had a 7th grade level of math on some pre-test for her GED. I don't get how that was brag-worthy... but it made everyone just kind of sit there and go... "okay... chagne the subject to something else". LOL Another odd subject was when we were trying to convince Kayla that she was NOT fat if she goes up in jeans sizes. (She currently wears a 3 but should be in a 4 or 5 for them to fit correctly.) Julie tries to console Kayla by telling her that - heck - she's more than 20 sizes bigger than that, so a little 4 or 5 is nothing. Course, that does NOT make Kayla feel any better. Her boyfriend (such a SWEET boy) jumps in and tries to help matters. He says that he has never felt that anorexic-looking girls were attractive, he felt women should be nicely proportioned. Only... poor Pito mispronounces the word 'anorexic'... not much, but he says something like 'amberexic' or something like that. Julie laughs, looks him in the eyes and says... "stay in school, son". I know she meant it to be funny.... and I'm usually the first one to applaud humor. But this poor guy was just trying so hard to fit in with the 'mom' he was meeting tonight for the first time. He didn't say anything after that at all.

We finish dinner and most of the kids head outside to play. Julie wants to make brownies right away. I know there is a TON of clean-up work to do. Kayla unloads the dining room table dirty dishes to the kitchen... and I start to work on the kitchen. Washing pots, pans, plates, bowls, cups, silverware, counter tops, sink - just - everything. Julie leaves the brownies for me to put in the oven which I do while cleaning. She then goes to play with Kayte on Myspace in the computer room for a while. Chris who hasn't been feeling well all night heads upstairs to bed.

I finish cleaning the kitchen.... then head to the dining room where the table, although cleaned off, still needs to be 'cleaned' and a table cloth re-set. I do this of course. Finally done. I go outside to tell Jonathan that he needs to do his chore (clean the floor in the kitchen), and I end up playing a game of basketball ('cat') with Justin, Kayla and Pito. Fun -- fun.

I head back inside and Julie's still on the computer. The kids want her to play a game of "spider eyes" because it's getting dark. What IS spider eyes you ask? I'm so glad you asked! It's REAL fun!! And you HAVE to try it. When it's dark.... get a flashlight... put it on your forehead... beam of light facing out front. Point the light to the ground and look for flickering green lights. When you find one.... little bitty lites... go look at what it is. It's a SPIDER. It's some technical thing about how the distance of the beam of light when placed on your forehead and your eyes... and the eyes of a spider. If you hold the flashlight anyplace else and try to do the same it just doesn't work. It's gotta be on your forehead. It's WICKED COOL. And I'm TERRIBLY afraid of spiders... but knowing WHERE they are is a good thing!

So... the kids want Julie to experience this. Julie's reply... "I don't do outside". What does THAT mean????? She goes on to explain... It's hot. There are bugs. It's not air conditioned. It's........... outside. No, uh-uh Julie... I drag her butt outside to do something with the kids. She did it... and of course... found it fascinating. She lasted maybe 5 minutes and had to go inside... but she did it. Yeah!

We go inside..... brownies are done. Good thing because it's nearly 8:30 and Julie wanted to leave before 9. I cut the brownies.... serve them....... milk......... whatever. Then - of course - you guessed it - cleaned up.

Julie then left for the night. Getting the kids to bed after this was TOUGH. But finally, 10:30 or so.... the house is quiet. Thank goodness!! Time for ME?? Nope. Phone rings maybe 15 min later. Amanda's at work and needs a ride home. UGGGGG Go to pick her up and finally get home and decide to just go to bed. Of course, I can't sleep.... so here I sit............ blogging.

Oh, I forgot to mention.... Julie says on her way out... "lets do this again in a week". Oh good lord.... I love her SO much. She really did good. But I am E-X-H-A-U-S-T-E-D. Again? In a week???? I'm going to have to think about that.

I hear ya mom.... you are saying "Tina, you should get the kids to chip in and do some of the work... or get Julie to help out". It's hard to explain... when she is here.... it's just.......... so chaotic - and she seems to wait for me to get things done for her - and - she wants to spend time with her kids... I don't blame her there! I just have to find a better way... because... I can't do this every week.

Why God?

Today's service was AWESOME. Chris and I did the praise team thing... and it was really an awesome experience. Not the singing... I mean... the singing WAS great, but the worship.... it just took my personal worship to a whole new level. I didn't think that was possible. Yet again - God knows what he's doing in my life. Imagine that!

Which is kinda what the service today was about. Why God sometimes doesn't make sense. How things can seem so unfair, or stupid, or random, or even wrong sometimes... but in the grand scheme of things... in GOD'S plan... it all makes perfect sense. And of course, I couldn't help but think of my life and what God is doing with me.

It's really funny actually... I never - EVER - thought that I would be one of those people who believed wholeheartedly in the 'greater good'.... in the 'bigger plan'. Yet, that's exactly where I find myself... and I really don't know HOW or WHY.

A year and a half ago, when Ron died (the 'bad sisters' husband and father to the nieces and nephew I'm raising) I was VERY angry with God. I didn't attend church. I didn't pray. I didn't think about Him at all in my day-to-day life. And.... I didn't really miss it. I felt like every day was just.... another day on earth bringing me one day closer to the day I'd die. No biggie... just like ants in an ant farm... doing what I need to do every day to get by. On the occasion I thought of God, Jesus and/or Ron... I felt anger. Anger that the God that I used to worship could have let this wonderful man die, leaving behind a mentally ill wife who was incapable of raising their three young teenage kids. How often I thought "What kind of a God is that??" with anger in my heart.

Life for me was really falling apart and I was almost unaware of it. Like an ant that can SEE the walls in the tunnel behind him caving in - but presses on never thinking WHY it happened or what would happen if the walls over my head caved in. Just... living day to day. Some things happened with my employer and I was let go, and I found myself out of a job with no place else to go for the first time in - well, ever. Shortly thereafter Chris was let go from his job. Our lives were falling apart. Yes indeed. And trust-you-me... I asked "WHY?????" a LOT. Why me? Why us? Why this? Why now? Was it because I was angry with God and he was striking me back? What did I do to deserve this? And all of this just gave me all the more reason to be angry with God.

Only 2 weeks after I was let go, I got a job for a company I'd never even heard of before; it was a very small company run by two brothers. I'd have to sell parts to power plants and large factories. Me? Sell???? Huh.. I can't do that! God new better. Chris began working on his own... as a handyman. As he quickly found out, he LOVED it - he could fix something or remodel something and actually SEE the end result. And best of all... he's GOOD at it! God knew what he was doing when He moved us out of those jobs and into these jobs. We still had no intention of going to Church. Still angry with God. Then my boss, David Pero, began to work on me... telling me that I needed to find a church to call home. Preaching to me almost daily. Ministering to me daily, telling me of the good works God has done and does do for him every single day. One week, it all kinda came to a head... my boss kept preaching to me, asking me to go to Church - 'try VanDyke' he said... it's close and it's the Church he and his family used to attend when they lived nearby. The very same day, my mom calls my cell phone. I didn't answer so she left me a message. She tells me that she ran into this really nice guy at Tampa General, Bill Atkinson... and how awesome he was... and that she thinks I should go to his Church on Sunday... VanDyke. She calls me to see if I got her message... and of course (being in the angry 'anti-God' mood I had been in) I told her I heard it, when in fact I had heard her start to preach to me and I immediately deleted the message. She - knowing me better than anyone else (gotta love moms) knew I was lying so she told me the whole story again. Our friends, Denise and Arne Helbig that same week had talked to us about going to their Church.... you guessed it, VanDyke. I finally looked up to the sky and said "OKAY! I get it... I'm GOING". So... that Sunday we attended and immediately felt it.

We walked into the church and felt the genuine love and warmth from everyone there. Unlike my prior churches - people came up to welcome us for coming. Again.... genuine love and warmth from them. Then the service began... and the music blew us away. Chris and I being musically motivated were immediately drawn to the music. In the Catholic service, our memorized prayer was our 'gift' to God. Here... our voices lifted up in song... was our worship to God. Wow... what a feeling.

Of course, that same week we attended Choir rehearsal. They were learning the Christmas music and we wanted to be a part of it. This was probably October sometime. Chris and I immediately felt the love and support of the church and the choir. It's hard to describe it, but it brought me strength... hope....... strength and hope for what I didn't yet know about. But I was soon to find out.

Sometime in November I remember getting the call about Julie having to go into the hospital. What you have to realize is, this kind of thing happens with Julie ALL the time. She's been Baker's Acted more times than I can count. I took the call and told Chris "I should go over to Julie's house". She's in Riverview, I'm in Carrollwood. Chris said... "hun, you know this happens all the time, it'll be fine. There's nothing for you to do there anyways". I knew he was right... this DID happen all the time. Julie would pawn her kids off to neighbors until she got out of the hospital. This would be no different. I sit to watch Television with Chris... and again... that feeling -- that I needed to GO to Julie's house. I looked at Chris and just said... "Hon, I HAVE to go, I don't know why, but I know... I HAVE to go". So off I went.

What I saw when I got there was surreal. Julie inside screaming at everyone. She wouldn't even allow me to step on her property (as if I had done anything wrong to her at this point!) This young Gang kid outside yelling at me, telling me he was going to kill me. Even the police were upset by everything going on there. Apparently - Julie had overdosed the night before - hoping to die. She woke up and was 1) pissed off to be alive and 2) pissed off because she had no pot in the house. The police took Julie away and were going to call the Department of Children and Families (DCF), but I offered to take the kids with me. Had I not been there... had GOD not put it in my heart for me to go.... those kids WOULD be in the foster program today. No question. No doubt. God knew.

Of course DCF came to Julie's house once she got out of the hospital and the kids were back home with her. They made it very clear to Julie what had to happen in her house so that they would not take the kids. Tip of the iceberg: she had to get clean, the guys living there had to move out, she had to take her meds as prescribed. At the follow-up visit, none of this had happened, and she had cut herself and taken meds wrong and the guy had not yet moved out - so DCF took the kids. Again, I offered to take them in my home as I just couldn't see them going into foster care.

It was at this point that Chris and I realized we would have the kids for a while. 6 months minimum... 1 year more possible... forever was not out of the question. I almost typed in that last sentence "If we took the kids"... but honestly... "IF" was never an option. I NEVER questioned it. I never thought of what it would do to me, or our kids, or our home, or our finances... I just KNEW that we were supposed to do this.

Our daughter Amanda had just moved out so we had a spare bedroom. Doug, Chris's dad, was living with us, so it was going to be a full house. But - again - we knew. Things changed at home... Doug had more strokes and had to go to an Assisted Living Facility, and low and behold... Amanda needed to move back home! Coincidence? Nope... again... God's plan.

Members of VanDyke were always there to help us when we needed it. Food... marriage counseling to hold us together through this difficult adjustment.... heck, even help once with the electric bill. Simply amazing.

The really odd thing as I think about this looking back.... even as ANGRY as I was with God... when this all happened, I never ONCE questioned "why". Never. And I really don't know why. I am - by absolutely NO means - any kind of super faithful person.

I now realize that we were brought to our knees back then for a reason. I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that GOD sent me to Church that Sunday. The Church gave me the support that we needed to handle what was going to happen only a short while later. And this faith I have inside my heart... this calmness and no urge to ever question 'why'.... I am certain that it comes only from God... and I totally know that I am undeserving of that gift. Gift. It is a gift... People will sometimes say to me "I have no idea how you do it"... and I just look at them... not really knowing what to say. I know I've said it before, but I KNOW God is in charge, and I completely and fully trust him.

As so here I sit.... wondering why I don't question why. Knowing that it's a gift from God. And knowing that I'm undeserving of this. And yet at the same time, hoping that His gift continues... for I know I have a difficult road still ahead.

Julie is doing so much better. Plans will be moving forward soon for reunification with the kids, and I've grown quite an attachment to them. I need to remember that whatever happens... it's God's plan. I often find myself thinking that Julie could never be the kind of mother I am to these kids... especially as it pertains to school. And yet, I KNOW, this is not my call. When God wants Julie to be back with her Children, it'll happen. Soon (November I believe) Julie will have another court date, and I have to try to find the healthy balance between saying what I feel / expressing my concerns about her parenting and not being overly harsh just because I want to keep the kids.

All of you avid blog readers out there... I'm also certain that YOUR prayers lift me up as well. I've said it before and I'll say it again... I can almost FEEL the strength as a result of the prayers you lift to God. Your continual prayers are very much appreciated. And I just love it when you leave me comments... so please feel free to do that as well.

I leave you with this quote which might just sum up some of what I've posted about faith in this blog.

"We think having faith means being convinced God exists in the same way we are convinced a chair exists. People who cannot be completely convinced of God’s existence think faith is impossible for them. Not so. People who doubt can have great faith because faith is something you do, not something you think. In fact, the greater your doubt the more heroic your faith." Anonymous author of RealLivePreacher.com

Busy Week & Hard Lessons

We've had a fairly busy week... sickness and all.

Justin is going to try out for the Gaither Baseball team next weekend. Chris and I won't be here to drive him, but he's going to ride a bike to tryouts. I really hope he makes it... playing sports really makes him happy. :o)

Kayla, if you recall, didn't try out for the dance team at Gaither. However, she just found out that they are having auditions for a step team next Monday night - so she's going to try out for that. I'm confident she'll make that... she's really good at dance and step.

Jonathan has a really big gig coming up in two weeks. Every year the barbershoppers in the Florida area get together over Labor Day weekend for a big show. They fly in top-notch quartets to sing on two shows. Jonathan's quartet has been invited to sing on the Saturday night show. I can't stress how much of a big deal this is for the barbershop world... I'm real excited for him.

Amanda just called, upset. You see... she has this job at Target, which is a little over 2 miles away from our home. When she moved in with us, she got the job at Target because it was so close. We explained that - while her car was broke - she'd have to either walk to work or borrow one of our bicycles. We went out and bought a bike lock and everything for the bike. Well.... Amanda doesn't like to walk or ride the bike. Her words "I'd rather call in sick". Since the day she moved in with us, we have - somehow or another - managed to get her to and from work on the days she has worked. When I tell her that she should ride the bike, she blasts back with "yeah, mom, I'd like to see YOU ride a bike to work". Ya know what I would do if I had no car?? Yep... I'd have to ride the bike to work! And she speaks to me as if - in the past 20 years of my adult existence, I have NEVER had a vehicle break down and had to find a creative way to get to work! You bet I have!

So I go home at lunch, Amanda is just getting up out of bed. I tell her that there is a POSSIBILITY that I'll be home early from work. Good she says, because she works at 3:30. Lovely. I get back to work - it's now 2:30 - and I'm swamped. People ordering parts for their power plants and such left and right. Plants scheduled for outage and need parts now... all that good stuff. Amanda calls and I tell her I'm NOT going to be home.

She's furious. She tells me something about her Dad was supposed to call her at 1 to see if he'd be home early, and he didn't. When she called him, he's still working and can't come home. Now me. And now, she says, she has not time to shower or anything. She'd have to leave RIGHT NOW to be there in time. (I'm assuming she's talking about walking - that would take an hour; a bike would take 15 min or so).

To be fair... we've had our good days with Amanda. Came home after being at the beach last weekend and she had totally cleaned downstairs. She's asked her boyfriend to make us some EXTRAORDINARY dinners when he's in town. But - the dynamics of the family really have changed. And I also realize that on top of her medical concerns, she has other things to worry about. Amanda has gotten herself into quite the financial pickle, which she is trying to work her way out of herself. She owes a lot to a lot of people/places and still needs to get her car fixed (she affectionately calls it "P.O.S.H." which stands for "Piece Of Sh** Heap"). I know she's in way over her head... and I feel for her. I really do. I feel like the only way to help her at this point is to stop helping her. The other day she asked to borrow $20. I was like... "what for?". Well... she wants to pay for one of those services that will give you anyone's phone number (even unlisted) to look up an old friend. I was like... "Amanda, all these people and things that you owe... and you think throwing $20 into this is a good idea?????" It was then that I was remembering the first time my electricity and water got shut off at home. There is no better of a reality check into importance of paying bills on time as then. No lights, no air conditioning, and no water to even flush a toilet. Sit in the dark and pee by a tree. Yep... It's then that you remember the $20 that you wasted here and there... wishing so badly that you had thought instead to pay your electric or water bill. Yes... those were hard lessons. (Plural because unfortunately I didn't learn the lesson until after it happened a few times - LOL) But she has to learn those lessons herself.

Okay - I got sidetracked there - sorry about that. I was posting about our weekly happenings.

Nothing really new with Kayte. But I will tell you this funny story.... I of course check her myspace. Not as often as I did with Kayla because Kayte is better behaved online. They all know, I don't allow them to have friends with gang stuff, drug paraphernalia, or lots of bad words on their myspace. I tell them all the time "who you hang out with is who you will become". She has this one kid as a friend who was rather odd... a young white boy... but - he was really trying to be all 'gangsta'. But, you could tell that he was TRYING... that it wasn't really HIM. His headline had a running sentence that had the word "nigga" six times, "fuck" 4 times and "shit" once. So.... he called the house shortly after I saw his myspace. I say to him "nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, shit". He's like... "what"?? I said, "That's really the only think I know about you after reading your myspace... you seem to like cursing an awful lot. Do you really think that's necessary?" The very next day, his myspace was changed.

This makes their second friend whom, once I said something to them about it, they changed it. Makes me wonder if we - as the adults in our society - sit quietly too often, not telling children what we think and feel about what they are doing and saying. What a shame... because we should ALL be modeling and shaping our youth - even if they are not our kids. They ARE our next generation... teachers... workers... scientists... musicians... doctors. If we don't tell them what they are doing is wrong... who will? **stepping down off the soapbox**

Chris and I are singing this weekend on the Praise team and Chris couldn't be happier. I'm happy - but not as excited as he is. He's like a kid in a candy store... it's cute. We went to rehearsal last night and he was just bouncing off the walls. Too funny.

Chris just called and had a good day at work. He did some handyman work for a pretty well-off woman down in Hyde Park today. He told me that she alone has enough jobs to keep him busy for months... this is really great news as he still needs the work! (He... and WE!) She's going to spread the word to her neighbors about how great he was and how he could do almost anything for a reasonable price. Word of mouth business... can't beat that!

Speaking of working and business.... I better run. Too much to do... to little time to do it. I leave you with this....

I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the LORD, for he has been good to me. Psalm 13: 5-6

Heloise-shemoloise!

You know, I've made fun about this before, but honest to goodness, I don't understand how Heloise gets paid to give her "Hints from Heloise". Maybe a long time ago she had some fresh - new ideas, but nowadays... not so new. I subscribed to daily hints from Heloise so that I might become even more of a Susie Homemaker. But... I find her advise to be pretty simple. Here are some of my recent hints:

Keep The Microwave Clean: Clean with a soapy sponge and then wipe with a rinsed sponge. Finish cleaning by drying the area with a towel. -- WOW - there's a thought!
Removing Fruit or Fruit Juice Stains: Get to the stain ASAP. For washable material apply liquid laundry detergent to the stain. Then launder in detergent and warm water. -- WOW - another great one! Here I was thinking I'd just never wash it and eventually it would come clean. Huh... imagine that!

Seriously... I could write better stuff than that! I mean, does anyone ever read that and say "Oh, that's how you clean the microwave????" Or is there some person perhaps that cleans with a rinsed sponge and rinses with a soapy one maybe? I dunno..... it all seems so very logical to me. And... she gets PAID to do this?

I had a wonderful conversation yesterday with Dottie, the kids Guardian Ad Litem. I told her how very sad I was after speaking to Karen. We talked about a lot of different things. She told me that I had every right to be anxious during the transition between case workers and that I should not feel bad about that one bit. I needed to hear that yesterday.

We also discussed some things the kids have said recently. When the kids were asked "What three things would you ask for if you moved back home with your mom?" The kids responded with the following:
1) That Julie would discipline them firm yet fair, and consistent... not giving in the next day.
2) That Julie would not think about their feelings when disciplining them. Too often she gives in because she 'thinks she hurt their feelings'.
3) That Julie would stop having men over the house all the time.

I thought these were fair requests. Very fair. Dottie saw more into it than that. She explained that - a year ago... these kids would NEVER have asked for these three things... it would have been NOWHERE on their wish-list. She went on to add that their wish list showed a great level of maturity which had come only one way... from the example set at our home. She went on and on about the great job that Chris and I are doing. It's weird... I know we are doing 'the right thing'.... but it's still nice to hear it every once in a while. To that end, that is why it's so wonderful whenever you comment on a blog. It lets me know that someone is out there saying 'yes... you can do it' or 'you are doing a great job'. However, regardless of you comments, I still feel the presence through the power of prayer. It's hard to describe... but when I blog about something and ask you to pray for it - I can almost feel the burden being lifted within days.

Speaking of prayers and burdens being lifted... I have blogged before about my friend Chris and her daughter Christal. Christal is 8 and has brain cancer. Well... she is not doing very well at all. Her mom Chris is the most AMAZING woman I've ever known. She is just very faithful and inspirational. Hard to describe here... but you can read about here at: www.christalinfo.com Add her to any prayer lists you have going... Christal Reynolds. She's an amazing little girl who wants to just be happy and have parties - as every 8 year old should think about.

Still no real plans for our 20th Wedding Anniversary yet. We might be going to the beach next weekend, Friday night till Sunday - my boss owns a condo on St. Pete Beach and we can get it for $50 (clean up fee). I love the beach and would love to do this. But I'm not sure that it's something Chris wants to do. He's thinking more along the lines of Camping - which I want to do, but with all the kids. I think we are going to take them to Fort Wilderness - it'll be Kayla, Justin and Kayte's first ever camping experience - and we want them to really enjoy it. What better way to ensure that than to camp at DISNEY??!!

Speaking of the kids... I've not been able to get out yet and buy that book that was suggested, which is pretty sad because I want to DO it... ASAP! I'm hoping I'll have some free time this weekend to run out and get it. I've also had NO CALLS yet from the schools or teachers. I'm hoping this is good news... the kids are really excited about their schools this year (whereas last year they went into them kicking and screaming).

One more bit of news... Chris and I were asked to sing on the praise team at church this weekend. Very exciting for us as it's what we first thought of when we walked through the doors at Van Dyke. Not that we want to get out there and perform (I might just pee my pants the first couple of times actually) but because we are just so excited about what God has done and is doing for us and we want to share that joy and happiness in the only way that Chris and I know how to do... through music. You know I've been sick all week... so I'm praying that I'll have a voice for Saturday and Sunday... so say a quick prayer for us, and another quick one that I'll have a voice!

Speaking of needing prayers... say another prayer for Chris's step-father Jimmie Dean. He's back in the hospital having some heart problems. Not another heart attack (thank goodness) but I understand he made the machines in the ER go crazy - beeping and buzzing. They are going to keep him to try to stabalize him. Please keep him in your prayers as well.

I better run. Thank you so much for your prayers and good thoughts! It means the world to us!

Feeling Sick - Last Thing I Needed

Sorry I've not posted in a few days... I've been home really sick. Just a cold / flu thing, nothing big... but no energy to get up and blog.

I was feeling a little better today and thought I needed to come to work. I get a call from Julie first. She tells me that Karen (DCF lady) is in the office today cleaning up a few things and that she talked to her about everything. Mainly that Julie is going to go to counseling with the kids. Then Julie tells me "I didn't know Justin wanted to kill himself". I was floored. This was confidential information and Julie is HORRIBLE at keeping this kind of info away from the kids. I told her that she BETTER NOT tell Justin about this or else she and I would have definite issues. I think she gets it. But we'll see.

The next call was from Karen. She is very upset about the "blistering email" that I sent to Hillsborough Kids. She claims she was NOT out of contact for weeks and that her phone had been working every day except for one. This is simply not true. I blog whenever I talk to her - I can clearly see the last time that she and I spoke. The conversation between Karen and I today was short and to the point. DCF says... I get money to care for the kids, I'm going to have to pay their psychiatric care bills. She stated that if I were a foster mom, I'd have only $200 something per kid a month. Said as if to say that I'm rolling in the dough, making money off these kids.

I'm telling you -- I'm nearly in tears... no... that's not true... I AM in tears. Of course I want to do every single thing I possibly can to care for these kids. More than want to - I DO IT. Every minute of my life... from working to what to cook for dinner... from planning weekend trips to talking to teachers -- EVERYTHING is done for these kids. And she dare to imply otherwise? That I have this extra cash floating around that I could easily be spending on their psychiatric bills? Infuriates me!

I just called the counselor that they don't like - the kids think 'is a waste of time' - and made another appointment to piss away another $50 next week. Why not, I'm rolling in dough, eh? She says that she doesn't know that she should see the kids WITH Julie... that the kids tell her things in private that she doesn't feel Julie should be involved in. She added that to meet WITH Julie would be a breech of trust kind of thing.

All of this when I'm really not feeling all that well. This - no doubt - just makes me more emotional. Sigh.............

I have chorus tonight, Toast of Tampa, and not sure that I want to go. I've been in bed sleeping - literally - all day Saturday afternoon and night, all day and night Sunday and Monday. Today is my first day back and I'm still feeling really icky. Add to this the fact that Gene (Amanda's boyfriend, the chef) is at home making another fabulous dinner for us (although early enough to where I could still go to chorus if I wanted to). I don't know what I'm going to do... go or not go.

Speaking of what to do... Jason emailed and wants to know if Chris and I want to sing on the praise team this weekend. THIS weekend.!?.!? Ummm... ssssuuuuuure. We don't know what songs they are singing yet... and Chris and I like to be very prepared - note and word perfect. But.... Sunday.... 5 days away... and Jason hasn't posted the songs yet for this weekend. Gulp. My heart is telling me "just go on and do it" knowing that overly anal me would prepare myself to death if I had weeks before I knew my first week to sing. My head is telling me "uh, you haven't seen the music! What if it's totally new and hard?" But... I trust Jason. I trust the Lord. I know neither one wouldn't give me a challenge I couldn't face. I am a little worried about being sick and not being able to sing. And then there's the other thing... I've seen myself in the mirror and -- yeah -- I look sick. LOL But 5 days... I'll be better by then.

Oh, you know what? I just realized that I scheduled the two girl's therapist appointments next Friday - the 25th - and that's the night that Chris and I are supposed to kick off something for our 20th anniversary. My awesome boss might let me use their condo for the weekend - right next to the Don Cesar on St. Pete Beach. We were going to leave after work... guess it'll have to be 2 hours after that, eh? Crap.

Okay... I'm not feeling well and I really should run. Please say a prayer for me. I'm sure I'm just overly emotional right now because I'm sick... but I feel really sad after my talk with Karen today.

I'll leave you with this quote I found... which really speaks to me. Enjoy.

Marriage should be a duet - when one sings, the other claps.--Joe Murray

As The World Turns

**Soap Opera music playing in the background** Yes, it's never a dull moment here at the Rhocchini house. No-sir-ee-bobby.

Last night at about 4pm, Kayla and Justin called. They wanted to WALK to Burger King. First I said no, but they pleaded their case. I know they like to walk... to exercise... (which I don't do so well myself). They were going to go with friends (NOT with that girl Amanda). They were going to leave early enough to have the time to walk the 3 miles or so. Kayla's new boyfriend works at BK and so they'd get free food once they got there. I told them as long as they stayed out of trouble and brought water with them to keep hydrated, it was okay with me for them to go. At the time it didn't occur to me to tell them that they had to be home by dark, it was nearly 6 hours before it got dark... lots of time.

I'm driving home at 5-ish, I see the kids walking up the street... they had JUST left the house. Okay, so they got a late start.

7-ish Kayla calls home. We WERE going to offer to pick them up, but they are with 6 other friends and we don't have the room for everyone - so I told them to leave NOW and begin the walk back home. Kayla was going to call and see if one of the other girls there could have her mom come and pick them up (they were not looking forward to the looooong walk back). Again, I tell her to EITHER call me right back and tell me to come and pick her up -- or -- walk HOME.

8-ish I called Kayla's boyfriend's cell phone. I'm a little worried, they should have been home by now and it's going to be dark soon. (The boyfriend's name is Oswaldo, but we call him BK because of where he works). Kayla is STILL THERE. I tell her to get out there and start walking N-O-W. Of course, after I hang up I realize it's going to be dark VERY soon, so I hop in the car and figure I'll have to pick up JUST Kayla and Justin while they are walking back. All the other kids will have to figure out on their own how they are getting home.

Driving down the road... I don't see them walking. Drive up to Burger King... who is just SITTING in the restaurant still chatting with friends? Yepper... Kayla and Justin. Oh, and the friend they are not allowed to hang out with, Amanda, is sitting with them (along with a bunch of others). I was FUMING mad.

We go home, and I explain to them what they did wrong. I honestly believe they see nothing wrong with what they did. Guess they didn't realize it was going to be AFTER 9pm had they left whenever the heck they felt like leaving.

We get home, and I'm making dinner (late due to the drama of the day) and I realize that chores are NOT done. Floors, garbage, cat litter, laundry - not done. Everyone had apparently done SOME of their chores, but not all of them. They look at me completely clueless and actually say (with puppy-dog eyes) "I didn't know I had to do that today". What you have to realize about that is that I have a chore-chart printed on the fridge AND upstairs. I shout back "CAN YOU READ?". UGGGG So it's closer to 10 when they actually get to their bedrooms, and closer to 11 before they are asleep. Grrrrrreat.

Speaking of reading... a recent comment I received this morning was great (thank you to whomever you are that posted that!). The only problem is... Julie and her kids DON'T READ. Hardly EVER. Right now Kayte is reading a book that the school is forcing her to read (and she is VERY proud of herself for reading it). Julie hasn't read a book in well over 20 years. And the kids, seeing mom's example, fully believe they can get through life never reading. How do you graduate from HS and never have read a book? Justin is doing a book report right now on "Friday Night Lights", and is using what was in the movie, not in the book. They'll cheat off other kids for reports, or just flip through the book and pull out what they think are factual portions of the book. Course there is always the interent and cut & paste makes having to read and write a thing of the past (with modifications so as not to appear plagarized). For required reading (such as the Diary of Anne Frank) they will read it in class but WITH the class, not take it home and read it themselves. Chris and I were talking about this problem the other day. Julie doesn't have a high school education and she doesn't push her kids to excel either. When the kids come to me with an Algebra problem that I don't know, I either read up and find out how to do it, or I call someone who might know. Julie on the other hand will just throw up her hands and say "You're already smarter than I am, I have no idea!". It's sad really........

Julie just called me on her way into work. She sounds so good... it's so nice to see her clear and drug free. She finally spoke with Karen yesterday (her last day as the kids' DCF worker). Karen said she was going to call me and ask about me sometimes supervising visits. Of course, she never called me, and now she's not working for them any more. Julie also said that they didn't HAVE a new case worker assigned to us yet. Lovely.

How is it possible that I have 3 kids in my care that are technically wards of the State, and yet I've been unable to reach their case worker for over 2 weeks, and now we are left without a case worker? Very very frustrating. I was going to cut & paste the letter to them here, but it's too long and same-old story. I just WISH they would hurry up with the mental health counseling, and I hate the thought of having to explain to someone totally new what's going on. It took Karen 2 months to pick up the file and read it. Sigh.........

Back to the reading subject. I think I'm going to get that book either tonight after work or this weekend. I love the evening study time idea. Of course, with everyone's busy schedules and such we couldn't do it daily, but we could plan once or twice a week to really dive into the book/workbook. Then maybe when we are done with the book we could make that time game night... the kids used to LOVE it when we had a game night. It's just plain good for EVERYONE. :o)

Speaking of good for everyone... if you've noticed the top of my blogs now have links. I actually make MONEY off of those clicks. (Not a lot, I'm nearly up to $3.00 now - LOL) but every little bit helps, right? It's funny because it picks up on keywords in your recent blog and tries to find a match for an advertiser. The other day... when I was having all those problems with Kayte... the links were something to the effect of: "are you an overstressed mom?" and "boot-camps for bad teens". I just found that really funny. I laugh at things quite a bit nowadays. This is good, very good, because it keeps my attitude light and happy.

Funny, the kids just called (Kayla and Justin) wanting to know if they could walk to Ben Hill school now (their school is out) and if they could go to the movies later. I guess they've completely gotten over their issues from yesterday and are now ready to ask for more. Of course I told them "no" on the walking and "maybe" on the movies. He sounded so surprised when I said they couldn't go walking to the school. It's times like this when I wonder... I really wonder... am I going to make a positive difference in these kids lives? Am I giving enough? Do I need to do more? Is it going to make any difference anyways? Sigh........

I'll leave you with this thought on this wonderful Friday:

To excuse what can really produce good excuses is not Christian charity; it is only fairness. To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable, because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you. This is hard. It is perhaps not so hard to forgive a single injury. But to forgive the incessant provocations of daily life -- to keep on forgiving the bossy mother-in-law, the bullying husband, the nagging wife, the selfish daughter, the deceitful son -- how can we do it? Only, I think, by remembering where we stand, by meaning our words when we say in our prayers each night, "Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us." We are offered forgiveness on no other terms. To refuse it means to refuse God's mercy for ourselves. There is no hint of exceptions and God means what He says. - C.S. Lewis

Kids Start School, Let The Bad Behavior Begin!

Well, we had a bad discipline problem with Kayte last night I wanted to share with you. Grab some coffee... sit back... and enjoy my life............ go ahead.... get your coffee.... I'll wait................

So, about 10 till 5 last night Kayte calls me (using someones cell phone). Mind you, she should have ridden the bus (with Jonathan) and been HOME by 4:30. She proceeds to explain to me that she and Amanda (a girl who is getting into a LOT of trouble lately) decided to WALK home today. But, the school police officer picked them up (they are not allowed to walk home) and put them in the school gym and told them that they had to call for a parent to come and pick them up. Kayte then goes on to explain that Amanda had already called her mom and she was on her way to pick them up - Kayte wants to know if she can go home w/ Amanda. I tell her NO, have Amanda's mom drop you off at home. She asks why, and I tell her 1) homework 2) chores and 3) because Amanda's been in too much trouble lately and I don't want her out w/ Amanda today. She throws a teenage fit (nothing is ever fair, I know) - I tell her that I'm not going to be home tonight - Chris is - and if she wants to plead her case with him, call him. But MY word is "NO".

Kayte calls the house and Chris is sleeping (he was home sick all day). Kayte tells Kayla that she wants to go over Amanda's house and 'would that be okay'. Kayla said she'd tell Uncle Chris when he got up that she was over Amanda's house. Mind you, Kayte never said that I already told her NO. Further, Kayla has no parental power anyways.

I get home after 5 and ask "where is Kayte". Kayla tells me that she is at Amanda's house. I call Amanda's house, no answer. I call the cell phone she used to call me at work, the girl who answered said she wasn't with her any more. I call Amanda's cell phone, no answer. I ask Kayla what the hell is going on, Kayla tells me what she told Kayte. I told Kayla to try to find Kayte (Kayla at this point feels extremely guilty). Kayla calls someone else's cell phone, it's a guy! Kayte is with him - Kayte tells Kayla that they are "At Amanda's house". We explain that's not possible as I just called there. They then say they are out front at Amanda's house. Okay, we tell her to COME HOME NOW.

Maybe 30 minutes later, Amanda's mom calls our house. She can't find Amanda and wonders if she's over our house. WHAT? Did Amanda's mom ever go to the school to pick them up? No. Did she even know anything about it? No. Were the kids at her house (inside OR out)? No. And her mom is worried because Amanda has been in SO MUCH trouble lately.

Still trying to FIND Kayte. Kayla heads out on a bicycle trying to find her. Shortly thereafter, Kayte comes home. I'm on my way to Chorus at this time (Toast of Tampa). Here's the end result of what happened:

She lied about Amanda's mom picking her up.
She lied to the school person to get out of the gym without parental pick up (told them she was catching the school bus [which had already left at that point]).
She got into some man's car that Amanda apparently knew (Kayte personally didn't know him).
He drove them to McDonalds (these kids LOVE McDonalds).
He then drove them around other places, eventually dropping her off a block from home (so we didn't see he drove her around).

I'm positive there is a little more to this story, but frankly, I don't know that I need to hear any more. I'm already LIVID. I talked to her briefly about it this morning. She just told me "well Kayla told me I could go". Even IF Kayla had the authority to have told her it was okay to go over Amanda's house, she still told LIE after LIE after LIE and NEVER went to Amanda's house! But she chooses to use THIS as her defense? Yeah, we are going to talk about this more when I get home tonight for sure.

I just can't believe KAYTE did this... the one who told me that she CANT ever lie... who told me that she uses Kayla's mistakes as a "what not to do guide". Just KILLS ME.

In the midst of all of this, I talk to Julie - a frustrating call. She is doing SO SO SO much better. I truly do recognize that. Here's what happened:

Julie called me to tell me that she was all done with her drug classes and tonight had her last parenting class. Now... I know my sister better than anyone and I know she's chosen to attend a stupid parenting class - probably learned how to change a diaper and not leave your baby on the counter to roll off and hurt himself - but not learned how to deal with HER situation. So - I ask - "Julie, what did you learn in parenting class". She tells me that she learned not to do drugs. So I ask "do you now feel that getting a tattoo for your 12-year old kid is a bad idea?" She says "NO! That subject was never covered in this class." She then goes on to explain how she has SEEN biker people tattoo their TWO year old kids, and if they can do it, she can too. She also said that it wasn't illegal... and my personal favorite quote of the day: "If a 17 or 18 year old can get a tattoo, what is the difference if the kid is 12 or 13 years old?" Exactly what I know she feels. She still doesn't UNDERSTAND that there are some things that kids are just too young to do, or that are simply inappropriate at certain ages. Listen, I've been to Adventure Island... I've seen "the inking of America" - I know that a LOT of people are getting tattoos now. And I'm not AGAINST them by any means. But I honestly - truthfully - wholeheartedly feel that the tattoo they choose to get at the age of 12, 13 or 14 is most likely NOT going to be what they want on their body when they are 30, 40 or 50 years old. Additionally, they are looking at a lot of touch up work throughout the years to keep them looking good - or else they are going to have 'old-looking' tattoos before they are old enough to even DRINK. UGG

Can you tell this subject sets me off? And it's not necessarily THIS subject, it's Julie's overall decision making process. YES, she is no longer doing drugs. YES, she has a job. But those fundamental poor decision making problems ARE still there. And - if those are not addressed - she's still going to continue to make poor decisions about the kids - which, most likely, will lead them down the wrong path. Had Julie parented Kayte last night, she would have had no problem with letting Kayte go over Amanda's house. She'd probably never have known that Kayte went out with some guy - driving all over town. And even if she did know about it, in Julie's book of reasoning, it's not illegal so there is nothing wrong with it. I've worked TOO HARD to get these kids on the right path to have that kind of parenting take over! (Have I crossed the line into whining? Yes, I think I have!)

I tried to call Karen last night, but her number wasn't working. Friday is her last day, and I've no idea who is taking over for her. My boss has a 'big-wig' in the office this morning, so I can't call her now, but I WILL try to call her later to find out what's going on. In talking to Julie last night she said that any time now she should get 'sleepover visits' with the kids. I'm hoping she doesn't mean sleeping over my house because, my house is busting at the seams as-is. The last time she slept over was Christmas and it was HORRIBLE. She insisted in sleeping in our bed, she slept all day long in our bed. And she SNORED something horrible. Additionally I need to work on getting Justin (and the girls) in counseling before they go back home for any period of time (even over night on weekends or whatever the plan that I don't know of might be). I already know what Karen is going to say... she's going to tell me that I don't need to worry about this now. BUT... what if the doctor says she's fine to get the kids now? What if the Judge agrees?What if the doctor and the judge say it can happen in 6 months and it TAKES 6 months to get them in someplace? It's taken 8 months now (and counting) to get Julie a psychiatric 2nd opinion. And she wasn't working until a month or so ago. Do I think it'll be any quicker for us?
And - yes is the answer to the question I know you want to ask. Do I want Julie to get the kids back? Yes, I really do. But I don't want her to un-do anything we've worked so hard for.

I better run. I have to think up some kind of punishment for Kayte. Right now her punishment is "don't hang out with Amanda anymore and ride the bus home (directly home) after school every day. Yeah, the other kids think that's totally lenient, and they are right. We're just not used to Kayte acting up. But she just turned 13, I guess I should expect a little of it, eh?

One more thing I want to leave you with today. I know you are probably so sick of my uplifting phrases at the end of most blogs... but - so what - it's my blog. LOL I sent this to my chorus director and he read it to ALL of the chorus last night. Enjoy....

I AM A WINNER

…because I think like a winner, prepare like a winner, and perform like a winner

.…because I set high but attainable goals, work toward those goals with determination and persistence, and never stop until I reach them
.… because I am strong enough to say "No!" to those things that would make me less than my best, and to say "Yes!" to the challenges and opportunities that will make me grow and improve my life
.…because total commitment is my constant companion, and personal integrity is my life-time mentor
.…because I am learning to avoid the tempting shortcuts that can lead to disappointment, and the unhealthy habits that could result in defeat
.…because I have a well-earned confidence in myself, a high regard for my teammates and co-workers, and a healthy respect for those in authority over me
.…because I have learned to accept criticism, not as a threat, but as an opportunity to examine my attitudes and to improve my skills
.…because I persevere in the midst of obstacles and fight on in the face of defeat
.…because I am made in the image and the likeness of my creator, who gave me a burning desire, a measure of talent, and a strong faith to attempt the difficult and to overcome the seemingly impossible
.…because of my enthusiasm for life, my enjoyment of the present, and my trust in the future.

Amanda Goes To Church

What a wonderful day we had on Sunday. Amanda went to Church with us in the morning. The choir sang wonderfully and really touched a lot of people with our songs of worship. Amanda finally met Pastor Matthew (and she didn't burst into flames as she thought she might)... he actually prayed for her with us... it was very nice. We then had lunch over our friends Denise & Arne's house. Jonathan had quartet rehearsal. I went shopping for those pants that Kayte and Jonathan both needed. What a great day!

Amanda's face looks SO much better. A little swollen, of course. But the bruising now looks like 'old bruising' and some of the wounds are beginning to heal already. She saw the doctor this morning (Monday) - only 5 days post injury - and it's looking so much better. The doctor took out the last suture today but had to re-open one of the wounds (that had started to heal) so the infection could continue to properly drain. Ick! I'm telling you... it MUST have been the power of prayer that has worked for this because I've never seen something like this heal that quickly. (And remember, I worked in a medical office for 16 years) Add to that the complications of the infection as well... and it's nothing short of a miracle. Thank you to each and every person who said a prayer for Amanda.

So - the kids! This is their first full week of school. I'm hoping that they step into routines very quickly without too much pushing on our part. They are doing well at getting up on their own, but need to work on doing homework immediately when they get home and on leaving all of their schoolwork on the dining room table for Chris and I to check/review. When they do what they are supposed to do without pushing from us, it runs smother at home.

Julie is coming to the house tonight - unsupervised. Let's hope and pray that this goes well. She has some things she wants to bring the kids, so I told her it would be okay. She tried to invite herself for dinner - but Amanda's boyfriend Gene is coming over to make us dinner. For several reasons (the biggest being that I simply don't WANT her to come over for dinner tonight) I told her she couldn't eat over. Besides - she'll be over late (after 8) and we do try to eat earlier than that. ESPECIALLY on a school night. Speaking of the devil... Julie is on the phone with me about dinner as I type this... she decided to go to Katie's for dinner. Katie (the good sister) is closing at Bennigan's tonight, so Julie is going to go there after she's done at my house. You have to KNOW Julie to truly understand how non-subtle she is about inviting herself over for dinner. It's really funny.

I didn't tell you that I'm a little under the weather today. Woke up not feeling well at all - slight fever, headache, and a VERY sore throat. I called out of work this morning, but ended up coming in about 11. Now I'm wishing I hadn't done that as I'm not feeling so well again. But I've gotta get better... too much to do!

Speaking of things to do, I should get going. I think I'm going home for the day anyways. I'll leave you with this quote:

"One of the most tragic things I know about human nature is that all of us tend to put off living. We are all dreaming of some magical rose garden over the horizon-instead of enjoying the roses blooming outside our windows today." --Dale Carnegie

Drive Me C-R-A-Z-Y

Okay, this is going to be a 'venting' post, okay? The kids are driving me NUTS. I go to the grocery store tonight to pick up a few things. I get home and a few things in the kitchen bother me. They are:

Under the sink (where we keep pans, baking sheets, bowls, etc) is a WRECK. I organize it probably once a week, but when kids unload the dishwasher and put thing under there, they just THROW it wherever. You open the door and stuff is literally falling out. I ask who did it - nobody knows. EVERYONE does it correctly. I even see stuff in there that I KNOW I washed this morning (and is now put away) - easy enough - go to the chore chart and see who did it. She - of course - claims she did NOT.

Thrown under the sink is the gallon jug for kool aid. But no lid. At lunch today I washed this (so we'd have it clean for dinner tonight. I ask who put it away - he says he did, but claims there was no lid. Of course there wasn't. He didn't lose it.

I go to get a glass out of the cabinet to drink some water. ALL the big glasses are gone. I just purchased 18 small and 18 large glasses from Target about a month ago (because the old ones broke - we assumed it was Doug). There are literally 10 small cups (Mind you there were a total of 36 a month ago). I assume they are in the dishwasher, so I open it - nothing. I call all the kids in the kitchen... "WHERE are the glasses?" Guess what?? Yepper, NOBODY knows. Frustrated beyond words at this point, I tell them all to go look for them. Guess what comes out of Kayla's room?? Yepper, lots and lots of glasses. Guess who put them in there? Oh my goodness, I think you can already guess the answer to this one! NOBODY did. Of course. I'm going to name a 6th kid in this house "Nobody". Because NOBODY is to blame here a LOT. Think I can deduct Nobody from my taxes next year? Hmmmm

At this point, I am so angry I huff and puff and have to go outside to calm down. Those of you who know me know that I don't lose my cool very often. I had to sit outside and just calm myself down for a little bit. 10 minutes or so later I'm calmed down enough to come inside. Still haven't talked to the kids since I've been back. Will it matter? Nobody is to blame. Sigh.....

While outside I remembered something that happened a few weeks ago that I didn't blog about. Those who know me know that I am EXTREMELY arachnophobic. I'll grab a snake, roach, grasshopper, anything - but put a spider - regardless of the size - in front of me and I'm paralyzed with fear. Paralyzed. Anyways, the kids come running inside (again a few weeks ago) and tell me that there is a spider out front and I should come and see it. Oh yeah, me - just gonna jump RIGHT up to go look. All 4 kids are insisting that I go to see it. Eventually I get up to just 'look'. What I saw was amazing.

We have a big tree (I think it's an oak) out front by the mailbox. Stretching from this tree to the corner of the house (off the garage - by the front door) is a HUGE web. It had to have been new because it wasn't there when I got off work (you'd literally walk right into it if you walked into the house). It was a simply amazing web - and in the middle was this big spider working on it. He wasn't even finished! Around and around he went, making this awesome pattern in the web. It's dark by this time and you can see his web in the moonlight and off the glow of the light by the front of the house. This glow/light just made the web even more beautiful. Had it been daytime, the light would not have... sparkled... off the web the way it did at this time. I'm watching in utter amazement, not believing that I'm actually watching a SPIDER. But, he was mesmerizing... spinning this complex design - no thought to the people below watching him. (At this point we have all the kids and even neighbors who have come over to watch him). When he is finished, we are all still sitting there... just waiting to see what happens next. Of course the spider is in the middle of the web, waiting for food. We then go around and find little bugs to throw into his web. Grab a moth, toss it in, and the spider goes right to work... immediately spinning the moth into a his string to work on later. He then fixes what broke in the web from the moth hitting it, and then goes back to the middle of the web to again wait.

As I sat outside tonight - ever so angry, trying to cool down - I remembered this web. I remembered how I was TERRIFIED I was and yet at the SAME time utterly amazed at this spider's work. I thought of how much that sounded like MY LIFE at times... scared to death of the things happening and yet utterly amazed at God's work. His work. His..... web. Sometimes we too pick up things and throw them into His plan... into His web. And God takes them, deals with them by wrapping them in His love, fixes the path, then goes back to wait.

If you weren't looking for it, you could possibly walk right INTO it and not even know it. You might feel something, but brush it off and keep going. Yet, other times you can look right at it and feel horror. Terror. LOOK at this big spider... (God).... this detailed web.... (His plan). But try to step back and look for the glow... the light bouncing off of His web.. His plan. Stand in utter amazement and just........... watch Him work.

I wish I could end with that... but... I know my mom is reading this saying "You did NOT go to bed that night knowing there was a spider outside your house". Yes - yes. True - True. We got a bottle of hairspray and a lighter and torched him. He died in a ball of flames, and with it, his beautiful web.

Not the most picture - perfect ending to this story, but ah - such is life.

I'm feeling a little better now. **sips a glass of red wine and shivers thinking of the HUGE spider** Wait.................. Don't spiders travel in pairs???

Amanda, Continued

Amanda is not doing so well. She could use a lot of prayers right now.

Her face has been swelling. I assumed it was because of the trauma. The emergency room folks told us what to look for.... puss/drainage, red streaks, fever. She hasn't have any of that (well, until this morning), it's just been very very very swollen. But this morning when she awoke there was a little puss draining from one of the sutures. She had an appt at 9 am with the plastic surgeon and he told her that it was very infected. He proceeded to open one of the sutures and.... how do I put this nicely... he drained the infection. Yeah.... that sounds a little less gross than some other things I could say. He put her on a second antibiotic and told her that if it wasn't better in the morning she needed to go back to the emergency room. Oh joy. Please pray for her.

Last night her new boyfriend Gene came over. He is such a nice guy. He's a chef at Disney and made us homemade creme brulee last night (it was awesome!). I told Amanda today that - as much as I like this guy - she needed to keep in mind that he's been her boyfriend for a very short period of time and that she was a 'victim' already (albeit no fault of her own). I went on to explain that typically men can like caring for a victim for a short period of time, but that it can quickly become old. She of course already knows this, and went on to remind me that he very well could have saved her life on Wednesday night. So true! Lets see...

• Has a job - check.
• Has a car - check.
• Cooks - check.
• Cute guy - check.
• Not too young or immature - check.
• Works at Disney - check.
• Treats her well - double check.
• Cares for her when she's not well - check.
• Saved her life this past Wednesday - check.

Yep... that about sums it up. I told her that if she wanted to marry him, that was FINE with me! LOL. She just ate that up. Amanda was talking to him on the phone right after I told her that. Sometime after that he said he needed to go because he had to work. She tells him: "Okay, well just give me a ring later. Oh and call me too!" Yes, she has my sense of humor! LOVE IT.

I wrote to Jason this morning (Choir director at church) to give him an update on Amanda and ask him to continue prayers for her, in particular for the next 24 hours. Shortly therafter I get a call from Sonya King at church. She's asking about Amanda. At the same time I'm instant messaging Amanda and tell her that the church is on the phone asking what they can do. (I tell them just to keep her in prayers) Amanda just comes out with "I think I'll go to church on Sunday". WOW. Music to my ears! I wish I could get her in the choir with me - I know she loves singing and she loves music - but right now, she's just not ready. She's still thinking that pastor Matthew (whom she's not yet met) is going to lay hands on her and try to convert or brainwash her. So... her just WANTING to attend is a BIG step in the right direction. :o)

The kids had a good first day of school yesterday (Thursday). Of course it took an hour when I first got home to go through ALL the paperwork and sign what needed to be signed. Sigh! Later that night I helped Jonathan go through his clothes because he's sprouted a couple inches over the summer. I need to go out and get Kayte AND Jonathan some school pants. Both are in school uniforms and both have grown since last year. They each have 2 pants that fit, and that's IT. So, sometime this weekend I need to run up to Target or Walmart and buy them some pants. Since they are in uniforms, it's not like they can get away with wearing something else for a little while. So, gotta find time to fit that into the schedule.

Speaking of Target, Amanda's doctor told her today that she could NOT work at ALL until he told her that she could. This is somewhat bad for her because she was just beginning to get on her feet and has a lot of people and things to pay back. But - I know God has a plan. Anyways, she took a note into her new job (Target) and said she was DEFINATELY the talk of Target. Did you ever see the movie "Hitch"? When Will Smith ate the food he was allergic to and swelled up something awful? Yeah, that pretty much paints a picture for poor little Amanda. Anyways, Target completely understood why she couldn't come to work. I guess it's good that she JUST started so it's not like she's playing a critical role there.

I find myself sitting here at work feeling totally helpless... wanting so badly to be at home just sitting with Amanda. Yet knowing I need to work and that there is nothing really I can do for her at home. However I still can't stop thinking about it.

What other updates can I give you to.... oh, here's a good one I didn't share with you yet.

Amanda had been talking to the girls about how to make a little extra money. Originally the idea came about because they wanted to help buy my Iron pills (although that concern was probably started by Amanda). Amanda gave them some ideas on how to make extra cash - and one of those ways was to go around knocking on doos and ask if they could wash someone's car. Sounds easy enough so Kayla and her friend Erica that was sleeping over a few nights decided to do it. That same day (as the girls are out doing this) Chris - somehow or another - hears that the girls are knocking on door and telling people that they are raising money for their CHURCH and could they wash their car. WHAT??!!! Needless to say we nixed that. Well, not totally nixed it, we allowed them to continue, then took their money when they got in and told them that they WERE putting it in the offering that Sunday (which they did). I was going to say how surprised I am that they did this... but - sad to say - maybe I'm not so surprised. :o(

I need to keep reminding myself that they are doing so much better. Yet some days it's hard. Kayla, for example, is better about asking for things sometimes, but then just TAKES things other times. This morning, Amanda couldn't find her bra. Guess who had it?? Kayla took it. She also recently has taken Amanda's perfume and my liquid eyeliner. Not big deals in-and-of themselves... BUT - combined with all the other things, it's a daily frustration at home.

Just got a call from Amanda that the investigator for the attorney is going to be at our house in about 30 minutes. The greatest-boss-in-the-world told me I could leave early to be there with her. Awesome. I better run.

I'll leave you with this quote. Remember to thank God for your blessings!

Watch your thoughts; they become words.
Watch your words; they become actions.
Watch your actions; they become habits.
Watch your habits; they become character.
Watch your character: it becomes your destiny.

The Attack

Well... where to begin with THIS post?

Chris and I get home from work last night and our main focus of the night is in getting the kids relaxed, fed and in bed by 9pm. The two high-schoolers wanted to get up VERY early to get ready for school... Justin at 4am and Kayla at 4:30am. Amanda has gone to her friend Jeannine's house. Amanda used to work with Jeannine (who is our age). Jeannine has a cousin (Gene) who is interested in dating Amanda and he was cooking a meal for her, then they were going to watch a movie. Chris and I took a relaxing dip in the pool for about 30 min, then at 6pm or so I go in to begin dinner. On the menu for the evening was fried chicken, mashed potatoes and steamed broccoli. I just get started and the phone rings. It's Amanda, and she's crying her eyes out. She tells me that she is at the Emergency Room (my heart drops) and she wants me to be there with her.

Apparently she had finished dinner with Jeannine and they were sitting watching a movie. Her dog (Elvis), a Labrador mix (mixed with what she doesn't know), had been loving on her... pushing into her as if to say 'pet me', licking her, etc. Then for no reason, the dog then took a deep breath and bit into her cheek, hard. No growl, nothing. He then began to shake her. Gene punched the crap out of the dog trying to get him to release her, which it did. But Amanda has a horrid bite on her face and it was bleeding very badly. Jeannine lives across from UCH Carrollwood, so they ran her over to the emergency room. She was bleeding very badly so they took her back immediately, and that's when she called me. When we arrived we saw her... here is the photo we took with our phone:

Yeah... not good, huh?

The Physician's Assistant saw her last night and put 4 sutures in her big gashes. But a plastic surgeon never saw it first.

There's so much confusion now. Jeannine paid $400 towards her ER visit, but she still needs to fill a $120 prescription. She needs to see a plastic surgeon who won't take the homeowners policy - he wants cash up front. She's missing work for a few days. I finally convinced Amanda to to to see an attorney. She has an appointment with them on Monday. The first thing they need to know however is if Jeannine has the homeowners that will cover a dog bite. We're still waiting to hear about that. Of course, Amanda doesn't have a vehicle to get to the appointment... and she should have seen the plastic surgeon before then. In the meantime, Animal Control has called Jeannine and she is now bringing her dog in to be euthanized. She never gave him shots and they need to check him for Rabies. Add this to the severity of the bite and they need to euthanize him. Very sad.

In the meantime, Amanda is at home... in pain.... feeling lost and confused.... and not sure what to do next. She's worried about sueing her friend. She's sad that the dog had to be put down. She's upset that she's not able to work right now. And I"m sure she is feeling as if she has no control over ANY of it.

I forgot to tell you about the kids during all of this. We explained the emergency to them, and THEY prepared their own dinner (minus the broccoli), ate, cleaned up, and went to bed on their own. I was VERY proud of them. They even got up this morning on their own. (Thank goodness because me waking up at 4am trying to drag them out of bed was not at the top of my list of 'things I want to do'. LOL)

I'll let you know more when I know something. In the meantime, say some prayers for Amanda. Her face is really bruised and swollen and she's in a lot of pain. She doesn't have the relationship with Jesus that Chris and I do... so I know she's feeling lost and alone, with no faith. I remember that feeling, and it pains me to see her going through it. But I'm sure that prayers will help.

Maybe Now Is The Time

Yep... 15 hours from this very minute the kids will be on buses headed to school. Yippeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee I just can't WAIT for some sort of routine to kick back into place.

What's new since I last posted??? The Middle School kids (Jon and Kayte) had open house last night. It went very well... Jonathan has a sweet schedule! I dropped Kayla off at her friend Anna's house. Chris left the open house about 9:30 and figured he'd go over there to pick her up and - guess what? - she wasn't there. Chris nearly had a stroke he was so angry. There was nobody home... so he went home. Ten minutes later, Kayla calls. She had helped the mom move some furniture around, so the mom treated Kayla to dinner at Burger King. Yeah... she DIDN'T do anything wrong! YEAH! But boy oh boy did she have us going!

Kayte and I went around and around yesterday. In her myspace I read how she was trying to get out of this group "TSN". She and Kayla talk about TSN and FAM quite a bit. Well... FAM is a gang, no question. TSN - I don't know what it is yet, but I'm checking it out. Kayte has told me that "it's just like a family" In a message she sent via myspace she was talking about trying to get out of this group. A guy told her that she would have to "get jumped" if she tried to leave. Lovely. Sounds like a gang to me! And... here's the thing... I don't want to make it bigger than it is... so I was in the process yesterday of trying to gather information on things. I researched gang activities in Tampa. Read up on what to look for in teens. At lunch I told Julie I wanted to talk to her privately. I told her what I had found and asked her about their gang involvement while living at home. Julie says they were not involved in gangs at all at home. Well... that's simply not true. Kayla's 'gang name' is tattooed on her back for goodness sake! Julie had them living WITH her. We had to call the police because the gang member SHE kicked out of her house threatened to KILL all of us. The kids (who lived in this environment daily for a year or so) were so scared they couldn't sleep. How the hell could Julie say they had NO gang involvement? Anyways... after I finished talking to Julie, guess what she did? Yep... asked the kids about it. I hear Kayte yelling at her mom about it. I picked up the phone and told Julie that I asked her PRIVATELY because I was NOT ready to talk to the kids about it. Jeez Louise. I then had to talk to Kayte for the rest of the afternoon trying to tell her that it wasn't that I didn't TRUST her... I was just trying to learn what I could about it so that I could make my OWN educated conclusion about what happened. And, let me say again, the kids are NOT involved in 'gangs' right now. I'm worried about what's going to happen in/when they go home. For there HERE and NOW - if they talk about it at all, it's just talk.

Speaking of going home... next week is Karen's last week as our DCF lady. Then it's time to talk to someone totally new and explain the WHOLE thing again. But boy-oh-boy do I hope that the new lady is able to get Kayla into some counseling. We have a lady in our choir who I believe does counseling with Teens, but I never have the nerve to really go up to her and ask advice. Nobody wants to work when they are not working, ya know? And even then, what's she going to tell me... that Kayla needs counseling or need to see a psychiatrist. Which I'm trying to do - but thanks to the insurance and medicaid, I can't get it done! Drives me NUTS. This should be one of the first things the State worries about fixing. The kids mental health. Hey.... maybe Dr. Phil will call. LOL. Yeah... I'm holding my breath for that!

Chris and I will be attending our FIRST praise team rehearsal tomorrow night. Gosh, I hope I do well. I realized last night that I've got to take really good care of my voice as I sing 3 or 4 nights a week. Chorus on Tuesday, I sing the SNOT out of my voice. You just can't imagine how much different it is as a singer. I get to really wail - high - lifted - supported - ringing overtones. Oh gosh it's just great. I LOVE being back at Toast of Tampa. And I find myself ministering while there, talking to people about church and what it's done to me and for me. I pass our cards for Van Dyke and tell them to come. I wish I could get some Van Dyke choir members to come to a Toast of Tampa rehearsal... to just listen and see if they get hooked as I did. Then there's choir practice on Thursday nights, and singing on Sundays (and Saturdays if we're on the team that week). Wow... it's like a dream come true! But again, I have to take care not to blow out my voice.

Chris and I STILL have no clue what we are going to do for our 20th Wedding Anniversary. It's funny how much I really don't mind doing 'whatever'. Heck, a dinner out would be abso-fricking-lutely wonderful! Macaroni Grill - my FAVORITE. But we quit eating out months ago and it's really helped keep us afloat. However, I know that just eating out isn't much for your 20th. But you see here that I am thinking 'small'. Chris - the other end of the spectrum - is thinking BIG. He wants to go on a 4 day cruise. I WISH! First there's the money, but I also can't take time off work at this time. But I love him for thinking big for me. I suppose it would be a real sob story if we both thought 'small' like me, huh? That's why God made us compatible! I did write to the Joy FM's 20 wishes program asking for something for us to do on our Anniversary. Could you IMAGINE someone showing up with something planned! I know.... a one night dinner cruise... then Chris and I BOTH are happy!! LOL Yeah, I'll wait for this to happen right there with waiting for Dr. Phil to call.

Now for a total downer... Chris and I have good friends - Chris and Drew - who have a little girl with brain cancer. She needs prayers ya'll. LOTS and LOTS of prayers. She has a web page you can check out and read about her, look at photos, read daily updates and send her thoughts and prayers. http://www.christalinfo.com/ I don't know why that just crossed my mind here - but I feel I should ask you to pray for them. Pray hard. Chris is - by far - the best Christian I know of. She has unbelievable faith and amazing belief that God already has a plan. I have to just laugh at myself whenever I worry about where the money to feed or cloth these kids is going to come from... when I am not sure that God really has a plan. Because here is my good friend Chris looking at her daughter and wondering if she's going to be here for another birthday - and she's confident in letting God's plan be done. Yes, they are amazing people.

Remember to hug your kids/grand kids tonight. If you can't hug them, call and tell them how much you love them.

That reminds me of something that happened last night at chorus. After chorus rehearsal, people stand around and chat and lots of people want a moment of our director's time (the mighty-awesome Joe Connelly). His assistant, a woman I very much respect and love - Carol Mishall - is waiting to talk to him. He's talking with others about music, taping, whatever. It's her turn to talk to him, she goes up, takes his hand, looks him in the eye and says "I just want to tell you that I love you". Now, no thinking dirty here, she's a wonderfully married woman who is older than Joe. It was the most loving and respectful thing I'd seen in a while. This woman is simply AMAZING, and when I left the chorus last time, I was a different person. I didn't have faith in anything and God walking beside me. I don't know that I ever really told her how wonderful I thought she was/is. I just now remembered the day Chris and I moved into a house down in South Tampa. Moving day, we had moved in all the boxes and were in the process of arranging furniture and unpacking boxes. (I am so anal, I like to have everything unpacked that weekend!) Carol shows up in my driveway. She does NOT live close... she made the trip for ME. In her car she had food. She brought a little card table, table cloth, paper plates and silverware, cups, drinks, and food. She set up this FEAST - telling us that she knew we were not going to be able to stop to eat ourselves. And then, she left. **shakes head** Can you imagine the love and thoughtfulness that went into that? I need to write her RIGHT NOW and tell her how much - to this day - I appreciate what she did. Do you have someone whom you should tell how much you appreciate them... how much you love them.... how much you respect them? Maybe now is the time....

"Trust God from the bottom of your heart. Don't try to figure it out on your own. Listen for His voice in everything, everywhere you go. He's the one who will keep you on track." Proverbs 3:5