Tina's Daily Blog: Vacation!

Thursday, June 08, 2006

Vacation!

Well, we're back from our sunny vacation on St. Pete beach! Woo hoooooo!!

The kids did just great. They listened to us, cleaned up after themselves (with a lot of reminding) and followed rules we had for them. I think they had a great time. The last time Kayla, Justin and Kayte went to the beach for vacation was when their dad was alive - so there were a lot of emotions they probably had to work through, but again, they did great. Jonathan was out in the sun all day, every day... and didn't burn! Can you believe it?? He let me put lotion on him plenty... and the 70 sun block I put on him allowed him to tan some without burning.

Again, Kudos to Katie and Tony for a great week. We really enjoyed it - and made some new friends while we were there. :o)

Report cards came in today... and everyone did well, as expected. Unexpected was one D that Kayla received. But I'm still relieved that she passed. Grandma Gwen is buying them all a ticket to Adventure Island as a reward (all 4 kids) - and they are super pumped about that. Thanks Grandma Gwen!!!!!

They have 2 more weeks of being home alone, then off to camp for a week. I'm not really 'worried' about them being home alone. I mean, they ARE old enough. I think they have been removed from the 'trouble' long enough to stay out of trouble, and I'm only a mile away here at work. They also can't get into a lot of trouble on computers. We have a total of 3 at home, the laptop (has always been off limits to all kids), the main computer (which is a good fast computer and our 'main' computer) and a slow old beat-up-and-pieced-together-hunk-of-junk computer. That has given them 2 computers to play on in the past. However, we keep finding tracking cookies and such on our big computer, and they have continued to save files, pictures (THOUSANDS of pictures), and downloading programs that have messed with our registry files on that computer, so we've locked the main computer. That means they now have the one slow hunk-of-junk to work on. It locks up all the time. It's slower than all get out. But it's going to have to be what they play on. I feel bad because I truly believe that Jonathan and Justin do not mess up the big computer, and I'm 99% positive it's the girls, but we can't regulate it and it's just easier to lock it.

Oh well, on to another subject.

Chris and I were talking last night about how much we have to tell the kids to pick up after themselves. I know I've talked about it before... but it's simply amazing to me how little regard they have for their surroundings. They drink kool-aid, leave the jug out, the cup out (dirty), the door to the cabinet they used to take the cup out wide open. They eat popcorn, take the bag out of the plastic wrapper, leave the wrapper on the counter, the cabinet door they took the popcorn out of still open, the remainder of the pack of popcorn still out on the counter. They do take the popcorn bag out of the microwave to eat it, but they leave the empty and dirt/greasy bag either on the sofa where they ate it, or on the counter where they poured it into a bowl. We are going to implement the locker method that mom recommended... locking up anything that they just 'leave out'... but it still doesn't help with them remembering to pick up after themselves. It's just sooooo frustrating. Again, I'm sure this might be somewhat normal to someone who's raised 4 kids and had them at the ages of 12, 13, 14 and 15 all at one time together -- but it's still amazing and frustrating to Chris and I.

Doug is still in the ALF, but we haven't seen him in weeks. Partly due to vacation, partly due to work, and mostly due to lack of time. I pray for him every night... please do the same. We heard some bad news before we left for vacation and need to verify the info then find a way to tell him. As you may recall, Doug just lost his only living brother to cancer a couple weeks ago. Now we hear that his only living sister is also very sick and has been given weeks to live. This will all be very hard from him and I pray that he'll be well enough mentally to take the news. I also continue to pray for the paperwork to go through smoothly for his ALF. She mailed a packet to me while we were gone, and I assume it'll be in today's mail. If this paperwork doesn't go through, I don't know what we are going to do.

Ooooo... I have news about Julie I haven't told you about! Okay... so you all know she has mental problems... bipolar... personality disorder... I don't remember all the diagnoses but you get the gist. Remember she's so poor, she has no money, had to get food from the Salvation Army? Well.... she chats on line all day long in a chat room for people with Bi-Polar disorder. In this chat room she made a friend, screen name "Changes". She also talks to this girl on the phone all the time. When I say all the time, you have to remember I'm talking about Julie here and I really mean ALL the time - hours and hours and hours a day. In Julie's words: when she wakes up she calls her and as long as she's home, she's talking to her, and when she goes somewhere, as long as she's in her car she's talking to her. So... really ALL the time. This girl, "Changes" is getting married in June and wants Julie to be there (Los Angeles California), but Julie, of course, has no money for this trip. So, Changes is paying to fly her in. Not only that, but Julie will be staying with them - staying in their home for the wedding and then after the wedding to make a vacation out of it. Just the three happy folks - Changes, new hubby and Julie. Now, there are parts of this that really hack me off, some maybe should bother me and some I know shouldn't, but I'll list my thoughts for you. First of all, Julie has never really met this girl. What if she gets there and she's some kind of whacko? Second of all, she's going to be WITH them for their wedding and staying with them AFTER their wedding making a vacation out of it. I mean, third wheel much?? Third of all is Julie asking this woman to pick up every penny of this trip. In my book, that's just not something you ask of a friend. But from what I understand, this woman is marrying money, so Julie doesn't feel bad about it at all. And finally, I guess I just want her to stay here in Tampa and focus on nothing other than doing what she needs to do to get herself better and get her kids back. I don't want to be working as hard as I do every single day to raise and instill values and morals in her kids while she's off gallivanting around in California. I mean, I know that it sounds odd since we just got back from a vacation... but still - we're working on this every single flipping day, while she's at home eating bon-bons, laying out by the pool when she feels like it, not working at all, and chatting with her psyco friends online every day. That wasn't very nice of me, huh? Well... it's how I feel. Sigh............

Please keep us all in your thoughts and prayers. I'll post some photos of the
beach vacation as well as the kids report card grades soon!

Love to each of you who keep us in your thoughts and prayers.

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In A Nutshell:

Here is a letter I sent to Dr. Phil which really sums everything up:
I am married to my high-school sweetheart (20 years this August), with two wonderful children (Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13). I have two sisters, both younger – I call them “my good sister” and “my bad sister”. My good sister is – well, good! Normal in every way. The bad one, Julie, has been in trouble since she was a kid. As a baby she cried all of the time. As a teenager she was in trouble all of the time. At the age of 14 or so I remember that she had run away from home to live with a grown man in Atlanta. This was one of many run a ways. As a teenager, she provided sexual favors to boys in school, as well as teachers. As a young adult she was arrested for prostitution. She’s done drugs ranging from marijuana to crack. She was diagnosed early on as bi-polar with personality disorder. She’s also a serious cutter to the point where she no longer hid the cuts. She’s cut things like “Ronald Cecchinni” into her arm… and “Fuck you Dr. XXX” on her stomach, in large letters. Julie is also a diagnosed sex-addict. She’s also recently (in the past year) begun ‘huffing’. (I honestly believe that this huffing has caused some permanent damage) She is currently 36yo.
Julie lost her husband Ron a year and a half ago as a result of Leukemia and Kidney Disease which the military attributed to his serving in the Gulf War. He left behind three children – Kayla who is now 15, Justin who is now 14 and Kayte who is now 13. Even when Julie was married, her psychiatric problems persisted. She has been hospitalized literally hundreds of times over the years. However, when her husband was alive, he would take care of the kids when Julie was mentally out of control. After Ron died, Julie lost control of the kids and her life. She began to spiral out of control, having pot parties at her home (to the point where the kids said a door would open and a cloud of smoke would come bellowing out of the room), smoking weed with her own kids, having sex all over the house with different men all the time, allowing young men (19 yo) to sleep over with her oldest daughter (only 14 at the time), and allowing Gang members to live in her home (she said she felt ‘safe’ with them there). In addition, she was attempting suicide daily, overdosing on medications hoping to not wake up the next morning. Mind you all of this while she was seeing her Psychologist every week and Psychiatrist once a month. Both of these Doctors knew what was going on at home, neither of them reported it to the proper authorities. I have even been told by one of them that he was told, by Julie, that she ‘heard voices telling her to hurt the children’ but that she was proud that she could ignore the voices. Still, these Doctors reported nothing.
I should add here that it was at some point in this period of time in Julie’s life when her children began suicide watches over their mom… each one taking turns to sit in a room with her at all hours (night and day) because their mom was less-likely to hurt herself while they were here. However, it didn’t always work – Julie constantly took pills in front of them trying to either dope herself up or overdose, and she would even cut herself in front of the kids.
Finally one day, she woke up furious that her last suicide attempt didn’t work. She got violent with her oldest daughter, police were called, and finally DCF was called. (I would like to add that we (other family members) had called DCF in the past to report things, but some of the cases were ‘unfounded’ and one other time the fled the state knowing CF only had jurisdiction in Florida.) DCF removed the children from the home in November 2005 and I gained custody of the Children shortly thereafter.
There are lots of things I could add here about my sister, DCF, and the horrible Foster Care or Custodial Care program we are involved with. However, that is not my main reason for writing to you.
Kayte, the youngest, seems to be adjusting pretty well. She has a tendency to trivialize what her mom has done and the seriousness of it, but I think that is normal given that it is her mom. Kayte was in counseling, but she feels it’s ‘a waste of time’.
Justin, the middle child, is okay. As a young boy I'm told he was a terror. He used to hit his mother and at one point (only 6yo) tried to jump off a building to kill himself. Since then, his anger has turned in to an endless smothering of love and caring. He does everything for his mom… from getting her whatever she needs to rubbing her feet and back. Justin has seen a psychiatrist since moving in with me who felt that his issues were brought on by trauma. It was also at that visit with the psychiatrist that he confided in myself and the Doctor that he had suicidal thoughts often while living at home with his mom in her ‘state of being’ after his dad died. However, since he moved in with me he has done so much better (and continues to improve daily) that she didn’t feel he even needed counseling at this time. He would, however, need counseling before he was reunited with his mom.
Kayla, the oldest, has serious issues. She is also currently in counseling but feels that it is ‘a waste of time’. Kayla has always lied and stolen things. Family members feel sorry for her because you can tell that she doesn’t really mean any ill will by it, but it’s been ‘the way she is’ for a very long time. By far her biggest problems are lying and her need for approval by men (young and old).
Since the kids have moved in with us, my husband and I have set up rules. The kids already had myspace accounts, so we set ground rules for it. 1) We needed the login names and passwords. 2) Profiles must be set to private. 3) The only people they were allowed to have on their friends list was people that they actually knew. When Kayla’s list climbed over 300, and she was found to have inappropriate conversations (wanting to sneak out and ‘hook up’ with young men), we made everyone cut their list down to 30 friends, which included myself. 4) All vulgar language and inappropriate photos would come off immediately and would be monitored by myself at any given time. At times, they try to put up ‘sexy’ pictures which immediately need to come down.
However recently I have found that she has multiple website things going on in an attempt to pick up young men. I'll outline a few here so that you understand the gravity of the situation: 1) I found her 'normal' myspace account set to 'public view'. She has over 11,000 profile views(meaning people looking at her pictures and wanting to know more about her). I had reset it to private many times, but she keeps going back and resetting it to public. 2) I have found another myspace account which she went by the name 'Shannon' and used it to pick up young men, tease them, then later tell them that she was 'taken' but refer them to her 'cousin, Kayla'. She'd then give them all of Kayla's information. Of course thiswas also set to public. 3) I have found another social network website that was like myspace in which she had ONLY men (mostly from other states) as her 'friends' whom she corresponded with. The emails back and forth basically said the same thing as all of the others... more on that in #4 - only these were guys that not only did she not know, but they were not even in the area! 4) All accounts that I have found had basically the same thing... her emailing guys wanting to know if she was pretty, if they wanted to 'hook up', talking about going to their 'crib' or meeting up with them somewhere, and constantly seeking approval and affirmation from these guys.
I believe she gets this from her mom. And the sad thing is, if you met her, you would love her. She is truly a GREAT kid… but she has serious issues. I’ve described to you Julie’s behavior and Kayla’s seems to be the same way. Neither can make decisions on their own that are ‘the right thing to do’, and both lack the understanding of simple values, morals and ethics. I could go into so many examples. How do I describe the utterly amazing difference between Julie’s parenting style and my own?
I know... Both Julie and I have myspace accounts set up to ‘monitor’ the kids. To illustrate the difference between Julie and myself, here is something that Julie and I both put on our myspace accounts. You are supposed to put something 'about yourself' by your picture. Here is mine: "I'm 38 years old. I have two amazing kids, Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13. I have great husband, Chris. I love to sing - and have been singing in Toast of Tampa Show Chorus for 10 years. I'm raising my nieces and nephew (12, 13 and 14). I love God and my family."And here is Julie's: "I am who I am and if you dont like me for me........FUCK YOU........ Plus if you dont like me for me....... Im gunna tell my kids and there gunna kick yer ass!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Here’s the other dilemma we are having; the two girls are in counseling that is costing me $25 EACH in co-payments every time they go. The State of Florida provides NO financial support to me as a relative caregiver, other than providing the three kids with Medicaid. They received small SSI checks because of their dad’s death, but it barely covers the food they consume. The DCF worker, having spoke with the girls and being told that therapy is ‘a waste of time’, has referred me to a clinic that DCF uses for cases such as this to seek mental care for Kayla (aswell as the others). However, the kids have TriCare as their primary insurance because their dad died from Military causes. TriCare requires the co-payment, regardless of the Medicaid secondary. Having said that, please understand that I worked in referrals in a primary care physician’s office for 16 years… I totally ‘get’ what is required for primary and secondary insurances and all the red tape. But because of the uniqueness of this situation, the kids are suffering!
I should also point out here that I have the kids for an indefinite period of time. Right now Julie is doing things that she has been told to do to get the kids back. However, she is still awaiting a court ordered detailed Psychiatric exam to determine if she can EVER parent again. Even if that Psychiatrist feels she can parent again, she’ll most likely need to be ‘clean’ and ‘episode-free’ for 6 months to a year minimum. In addition, Julie is only allowed supervised visits and one phone call a day. This came about because of her inappropriate behavior when she was with the kids and because when she was allowed to call any time she’d call 10 + times a day.
The other problem with Julie ever getting her children back is that… she doesn’t understand what she did wrong. She parents as if she were 15-years old herself. If anyone has ever done something bad and been able to ‘keep’ their kids, she sees no reason she can’t do it. She brought her daughter at the age of 13 in for a HUGE tattoo on the small of her back. It’s Tigger flipping ‘the bird’ with her gang name under it. She was also planning on getting a large tattoo on her 12yo before the kids were taken. Again, she sees nothing wrong with any of her past behavior.
So, you see, I could have these children for the rest of their teenage years. I honestly don’t know where to turn to get them the help they need.
I feel as if I am in a psychiatric nightmare and I just can’t wake up. Eight months ago I was at home, my biggest ‘kid worry’ was if my son was going to get good grades on his report card. Now I find myself in a crux worried about whether or not the lessons I teach them, this late in their young life, are going to be enough to turn these kids around and help them to be productive adults in the near future.

Tina's Daily Blog

Thursday, June 08, 2006

Vacation!

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