Nuts For Christmas

I've been so busy I honestly haven't had time to blog. There is so much going on... I'll fill you in on the big things.

First things first: to those who get emails when I post a blog: Please know that it is NOT working very well right now. I've noticed I post blogs and then I don't get the email telling me a new one is posted. If any of you have a better application I could use instead of the Feedblitz, please let me know and I'll be happy to try it.

My boss decided to give me the $10,000 per year pay cut, but I told him I wanted my hours cut 20% as well. He wanted me to sign something saying that I would stay until April - but with that he would give me a larger year-end bonus. I disagreed with that, telling him that any year-end bonus I get is what I earned and should NOT be tied to the time that I work in 2009. We agreed that I wouldn't have to sign anything, but the bonus will be significantly less. This gives me the freedom to continue to look for a job now, without having to promise him I'd stay until April. If the 'perfect' job comes up in March, I'm able to take it.

Cutting our living expenses over $800 a month will be extremely difficult. Eating out and getting my nails done are things we are going to have to cut out for a while. We'll go from there and see what else we can cut. It's going to hurt - sure - but given the economy, I'm just going to have to do what I can.

The house here has been busy with kids anticipating Christmas and doing their own shopping. Kayte and Kayla both have jobs so they have been out buying their own presents. We decorated for Christmas and got a small Christmas tree for the living room. We got one small enough this year so that we didn't need to move any furniture.

The kids are doing pretty well. With the exception of Jonathan and his grades in school. He is going to actually make an F on this report card. Frustrating. Additionally, Kayla will have at least one D on hers. Neither of them seem to care much about their grades - unlike Kayte and Justin who care a great deal about what they make in school.

Oh - here's a great story. Remember the girl who was having letters sent to our house? Her boyfriend was in a court-ordered rehab facility and he didn't want the girlfriend's mom finding the letters, so he had them sent to OUR house? Well, one Sunday night about a week and a half ago, the doorbell rings. It's a woman about my age, and her son who is 22. Apparently this girlfriend had run away from home and the last place she was seen was MY house, as the brother dropped her off here on Saturday morning.

When I found out who she was, I asked her if she knew where her daughter's boyfriend was. Now... I knew that he was locked up in the facility, that he was going to get out on weekends, and that their 'cover story' that they were going to tell her mom was that he was in New York (so that the mom didn't know where he really was). She responded with "He's in New York" and then asked why I asked. I took a deep breath, walked outside (where she was) shut the door behind me, and began to tell her all I knew about the letters, her daughter and her daughter's boyfriend.

She was at our house for a good hour I'd say. We discovered that the boyfriend HAD been in town, but had to go back to the facility on Sunday afternoon. We tried to find out where she was, but none of her friends were helpful at all. We finally told her that, since her daughter had been missing for more than 24 hours, she should call the police and report her. It was about this time Julie made her way downstairs and asked me if I was still cooking dinner and if so, when it would be ready. I laughed at her immaturity and felt a little sad that she could not empathize with this mom at all. I mean... I'd never had a runaway child... but I can at least show some empathy towards her in the midst of her crisis.

They ended up finding her later that night over a friend's house. I did, indeed, make dinner after the mom left.... in case you were wondering. LOL

Other news is Julie. She reads these blogs and I know she's going to be upset... but here goes.

She has been good for a while - since February, her last severe overdose. Julie decided to get some surgery done on her hand. She was having some numbness in two of her fingers, so she went to a doctor who told her at her first visit she needed surgery. I don't get that and I know I've blogged about my feelings on the whole thing: no second opinion, no trial of other things prior to surgery - but whatever. Julie decided to do it just before Christmas.

Mom tried to talk her out of it - explaining that she would lose her job and would get pain medicine over Christmas. For a person who lost her husband, lost custody of her children, is mentally ill (bipolar with borderline personality disorder), who is a cutter and who often overdoses on whatever she can get her hands on.... to start pain pills and have surgery over Christmas seemed like horrible timing. Myself and my other sister felt that Julie probably just... 'needed' to go to the hospital. It's hard to explain but - if you go to the hospital and get medical treatment that often... sometimes it feels like it's 'needed'. I saw it often when I worked in the medical field.

Julie's visits have been really good in the recent past. Then, after the surgery, she started acting a bit odd. Her first visit was.... well.... funny. She was EXTREMELY loving - planting a big wet kiss on me and telling me how much she loves me while hugging me hard. She was talkative and even a little outgoing. Like I said - it was funny - and yet I was thrilled that she wasn't slurring so badly that we couldn't understand her - a giant fear which I had when I knew she was going in for surgery and being discharged with medication. But, Julie said that she asked them NOT to give her Percocet because she knew she 'liked it' too much and would abuse it - they gave her Vicoden instead. That's really good.

On Wednesday night we had a family get-together at my house with Julie, Katie and family, Amanda and Gene, Michelle, Evie, Jimmie and Danny. At last year's get together of the same group - Julie showed up bleeding with over 50 self-inflicted gashes across her stomach. (Not to even mention the ones on her arms) I have to admit, I thought about that a LOT and was hoping and praying that this year would be better.

Julie showed up that evening, and the first thing she did was chastise me for telling mom she was 'loopy' at her last visit. Well.... she WAS... but I explained to her how I felt she was so much different in this 'loopy' versus the other pain pills. As she spoke to me, she was slurring her words badly, and getting progressively worse. Before long, she was COMPLETELY out of it.

By the time Amanda and Gene arrived, Julie was sitting on the sofa, yelling simple words which made no sense. She's yell for Gene, multiple times, then not have anything to say... stumbling over words that made no sense when put together.

We kept asking her what she took... and how much she took... not knowing if she had overdosed - but she SURE was on something. She kept saying that she "only took one pill". Everyone in the house (which was everyone who was coming at this point) knew she was lying. I'd seen her several times after taking one Vicoden... this was NOTHING like that. She became agitated when everyone kept asking how much she took... and her kids (Kayla, Justin and Kayte) were getting VERY upset. They hadn't seen their mom this bad in a very long time.

My sister Katie took charge and told Julie that she was NOT going to ruin this Christmas party for everyone else and that Julie was going to bed. At first Julie refused, trying to say she was "fine"... but Katie insisted and told her to get upstairs and 'sleep it off'. As Julie got up from the sofa it was apparent that she was now unable to even walk on her own (she went downhill very quickly) -and so Katie and Chris both helped Julie upstairs. She almost fell down the stairs once, but Chris guided her and helped her keep her balance.

The next few hours were wonderful - spending time with my mother and father in law... Danny... Gene (who I rarely get to see because he works so much) and Amanda. Michelle who has become like a second mother to the kids. Katie and her kids looked fantastic and having the little kids in the house made the whole evening energized. There really is nothing like watching kids at the age of 5 and 1 rip open presents, happy with whatever is packed inside... heck, sometimes just thrilled to see a box!

We had tried to wake Julie up for the presents being opened, but she just wouldn't wake up. Three or four hours later, she made her way downstairs. I fully expected that she had slept off much of whatever she took, but she didn't - she was still EXTREMELY bad. Watching her try to look at photos taken on the camera... she'd hold up the camera to look at it, then her head would fall back and she'd fall asleep sitting up and she'd drop the camera. Then she'd repeat the same thing a dozen times or so. I kept asking her what she had taken. Finally she admitted that she had taken an extra strength Soma along with the pain pill. She claimed her surgeon gave her both.

Why would the surgeon give a very powerful muscle relaxer? That didn't make sense. Additionally... if she thought enough to tell him she can't have Percocet (she didn't tell HIM why, just told him she didn't want the Percocet) - then why did she take the Soma when she knows that she gets equally addicted to that pill? I told her that I felt we should call the doctor because -- perhaps she was having some kind of allergic reaction. The whole time I said this... I knew it wasn't a reaction -- everyone knew she had taken too much of something, and it sure as heck wasn't one or even two pills.

Her kids were now extremely agitated... Kayla wanting to call 911, Justin and Kayte not wanting to look at her. At one point, with Julie sitting on the sofa and the three kids there, Justin said "maybe she really did just take one pill and she's just tired". Everyone looked at him... and I looked that poor baby in the eye and said "Justin... look at her. Do you honestly believe she's 'just tired'?" Of course, he said no. But in that poor boy's heart he wanted so badly to believe it.

Julie kept wanting to leave and I knew I couldn't let her drive in her condition. I was going to let her sleep over, but the kids wanted no part of that - and I was going to respect their wishes. My options were to call 911 and have her evaluated - or to drive her home. Chris, Michelle and I decided to drive her home.

I have to admit that at one point I thought: if Julie had unsupervised visits, and she was in THIS condition... would she drive the kids somewhere? I thought about video taping her in this condition to show the court, or heck - to even show Julie later, what she looked like in this horrible condition. But I decided out of love and respect not to do that.

The next day Julie was calling and apologizing. She texted the kids multiple times asking for forgiveness. I think all of us were thinking the same thing: WHY would you do this before a party? The kids and I are in different places about the incident: the kids were mad, I try to be compassionate as I understand it's part of her mental illness - and to some degree, she can't control some of the things she does.

Julie later admitted that the hand surgeon is not the one who gave her the Soma - which just means that she's getting medication from multiple doctors and taking them how she sees fit. Not good... and I hope and pray that she's learned from it.

Christmas day Julie came over again. This time she didn't take ANYTHING but Advil or something like that for pain. She was a completely different person. My mom came over and -- heck -- at one point Julie got up and was doing karaoke with us! Too funny.

Our Christmas, none-the-less, was wonderful. We spent time together, shared the good times with our family and loved ones, and even though at times there was drama, everything worked out in the end.

I do hope that all of you had a blessed Christmas and that you kept in mind the entire time the REAL meaning of Christmas. The birth of our savior, Jesus Christ. One of my favorite Christmas decorations in my house is the "Kneeling Santa". It brings both worlds together, with Santa, hat in hands, kneeling over the baby Jesus in a straw bed. It reminds me so often of the true meaning of Christmas.

KNEELING SANTA PRAYER

The sleigh was was all packed, the reindeer were fed,

But Santa still knelt by the side of his bed,

"Dear Father, " he prayed, "Be with me tonight.

There's much work to do and my schedule is tight.

My sack will hold toys to grant all kids' wishes.

The supply will be endless like the loaves and the fishes.

I can do all these things, Lord, only through You.

I just need your blessing, then it's easy to do.

I do this only to honor the birth of the One,

That was sent to redeem us, Your most Holy Son.

So to all of my friends, lest Your glory I rob,

Please, Lord, remind them who gave me this job.

Job Decisions

Sorry I've been so long without a blog. It's been a CRAZY week.

Justin is home resting. He had surgery on Friday to repair his torn ACL. He has been in a great deal of pain, and even ran a low grade fever for a couple of days, although today said he was doing much better. He'll be going to school tomorrow. I need to wake up EARLY to do this, get home, then turn around and get ready for work. I am NOT a morning person, so I'm not really looking forward to it, but - you gotta do what you gotta do. Right now he can't climb the steps to get on the bus, so I'll need to drive him for a while. At least until he has physical therapy enough to where he can make his way up the stairs on the bus.

Everything with Kayla is still the same. She's been.... "good" to me - nice and all - I'm just not sure how long that will last. I hate to say that.. But I honestly didn't know what happened last time, so I'm a bit leery. Right now she's going out with her friends every night that she's not working. As long as she tells me where she is going, how she's getting there and getting home, and she's not out too late, I'm letting her go.

Kayte is doing great. She loves working at the church, and I know it's really good for her. It's just hard knowing that 3 - 4 days a week I've got to plan on driving her and picking her up. Many times there are conflicts, like this Wednesday when Justin has his physical therapy appointment at 6, and Kayte is supposed to be at church at 6 the same night. Thank goodness her friend works with her and has an ANGEL of a mom who picks Kayte up often

Jonathan is still in his on and off funk. He had a stack of clothes in his room probably three feet high, and I just can't motivate him to do ANYTHING, he'd rather lay in his messy room and do nothing. Yet other times he is just witty and fun. I dunno...

I read the most interesting article in the paper last week that I really wanted to blog about.

You know how often times I tell you that the kids do things that are kind of bad, but they say they are better than their friends. Like Kayla telling me that her 2.something GPA wasn't all that bad because all her friends had worse GPA's. It's frustrating to make an argument to that.

An article in the paper (associated press) discussed how students today lie, cheat and steal, but say they are better than most of the people they know. They referenced a study they did of nearly 30,000 students in randomly selected high schools nationwide, both public and private. 64 percent of students cheated on tests, 35 percent have stolen from a store in the past year, 1 out of 5 had stolen from a friend and 23 percent stole something from a parent or other relative. It discussed the lowering of ethical standards in America and how we all let kids get away with it. And the stunning statistic that followed: 93 percent of students said they were satisfied with their personal ethics and character and said that "when it comes to doing what is right, I am better than most people I know."

I was talking to Chris about this and Jonathan was in the car. Jonathan told me that HIS school just did a study as well and found that 75 percent of kids in his school cheat.

What's happening to kids? Where did we go wrong?

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I have been job hunting for so long without any responses and finally got a call for an interview. The position was for Front Office Manager for a cosmetic dentist in Temple Terrace.

I went to the interview, only to open the door and see 8 other people in the waiting room holding job applications.

Great.. A mass interview.

Well, they hand me the paperwork to fill out the job application. The first page was extremely odd. It stated that the doctor was a member of Christian Scientology, and that - although they didn't deal with 'religion' really at work, the entire office is run off Scientology principals and teachings by L. Ron Hubbard.

Obviously - I , being a devout Christian, did not get the job.

And for more bad news: my boss told me his 'plans' for me after the first of the year. I can keep my job, and they will lower my pay to what I was making when I was originally hired years ago ($10,000 less a year than what I make now.) However, he will give me an end of year bonus IF I agree to sign a contract stating that I will stay with them until the end of April.

April is when they are planning to move the office to a location closer to their homes (they build a year or two ago, one in New Port Richey and one in Dunedin). The new location will be in the Safety Harbor area... About 25 minutes drive with no traffic.

The thing I have to think about after April is can I afford to drive a 12 year old car that far every day for much less pay. Increase in gas as well as wear and tear on the old car.

I don't think it's 'legal' that they just decrease my pay - I think they technically have to fire then rehire me in at a lower rate. But am I going to comp lain about that little part of it? No... Because I am really forced to take the job, there just isn't anything else out there. What I have to think about is this: Do I want to be locked in until April? What is a better job come along and they want me to start in February or March? And... What expenses can I cut to make up for the $10,000 loss in income.

The part that really bothers me (other than working the same for much less pay) is that he wants to only give me a bonus for 2008 IF I agree to work until April of 2009 because they 'can't afford to lose me'. Well, a BONUS is something I earned from doing a kick-ass job in 2008! It shouldn't be tied to my staying at all.

It's a lot to think about. I've got to talk to Chris when he gets home from Pensacola.

I'm really trying not to stress about it. God has a plan, right? Right.

The funny thing is that I feel guilty for NOT feeling guilty about being back in Toast of Tampa, regardless of the lower pay. I just LOVE being back and singing that Barbershop harmony.

Speaking of TOT, they asked me to be a section leader my second week back as a member. How cool is that? I was honored to be asked. The difference between this time and last time I was a member though is pretty remarkable. This time family comes first... Like today Tony asked section leaders, if they could, to please be there at 6 tomorrow to go over a new song. I wrote him immediately and told him that Chris was out of town and my first priority was taking care of Justin after his first day back at school... And I might even be late.

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Oh, and it's 17 days before Christmas. 24 days till my job drastically changes and my pay lowers. No stress... No pressure.

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I had that big event that I blogged about last week and asked for prayers about. I guess you could say that I 'hit it out of the park' - the event went off without a problem.

It was a chipping /putting contest first with an open bar. I should mention here that I got a hole in one o n the chipping part - the ONLY hole in one on that hole! We then had dinner and gave out awards. Many of the principals told my boss what a great asset I was... "the heart and soul of the company". It was an awesome time and Chris learned a LOT about how power plants work!

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I just realized I should apologize if this blog is scattered or if there are horrible spelling errors. Chris took our laptop with him, and at home we have the one laptop I could us that we 'gave' the kids to use... But it's full of viruses and horrible to type on (I keep typing then losing entire paragraphs). We also have the computer that Paul from church gave to me a while back, but it got a virus (KIDS!!!!) and we need to reload windows and all that stuff, but don't own a copy of windows or whatever it is needed to wipe it clean and start over. It's been a low priority since I got my own laptop. :o) So I'm sitting here on my PHONE with a little bluetooth keyboard typing.

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Please keep Justin in your prayers and pray for my job - that I'll be able to see God's plan and that I'll trust it.

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"Whatever you do, do well. For when you go to the grave, there will be no work or planning or knowledge or wisdom." - Ecclesiastes 9:10

Completely Blessed

We are completely and utterly blessed.

Chris has several jobs which he's been given by a contractor that should take him into January. The work he's getting is,without a doubt, given as a blessing. Well, I mean a lot of it has to do with the fact that he's an awesome worker and does a fantastic job. But additionally, he's getting this job through a friend from our bible study group. At a time when the housing market and economy are so bad, the jobs he is getting are for commercial work. It's just a complete blessing at a time of year that is usually very scary to us.

We have Christmas decorations up at the house... but nothing outside and no tree as of yet. We also made lots and lots of Christmas cookies. Yummy!

Kayla, Chris, Julie and I all had a talk last Sunday. Actually, Chris started talking to Julie, and eventually Kayla came in the room. Chris did a good job of talking to her without getting emotional about it. First he chastised Julie about working on this with Kayla without talking to us. Then with Kayla, he basically told her that he honestly believed that her moving out now, before she finished high school, would be a mistake. He talked about the obvious pitfalls: changing schools, perhaps not being able to start a new school because she's be over 18, Julie's very small apartment, having someone there to help her if her car broke down, and other things that would be harder for her. But he did a good job of just telling her how we felt.

I got the opportunity to tell her that I was really upset that she was telling everyone that she and I were fighting all the time - when we weren't. At first she said that we DID fight all the time, but when I asked her to tell me of ONE time, she couldn't think of anything. She then told me that she was very upset with me because I wouldn't let her go to parties. I asked WHAT parties (because we rarely tell Kayla 'no'). She said that there was this one time that she asked if she could go to a party and apparently I said no. She never asked again, just assumed I'd say 'no' to any future parties. We then had a long talk about what was a party, what 'happens' at parties, and about our general rule: as long as we know where she is going, who she is going with, how she's getting there and getting home, and when she'll be home... all is good.

I can't say that I know what Kayla has planned for when she turns 18, but I do know that I feel better after talking to her and getting it all out in the open.

I have been swamped at work. This week we have a big event here in the power industry called "PowerGen". It's in Orlando every other year, and so every other year we plan a big event. Monday is a big golf day - 18 rounds of golf with the big-wigs of all the companies we represent. Then on Wednesday a chipping/putting contest, dinner and awards ceremony. I'm in charge of running this whole event, and have put it together with no real problems. However we have some big things going on here at the office which have made this quite problematic.

First, I may have told you in a prior blog, but one of my bosses - Steve - is in the reserves. He's been called to Active Duty and is to report in February. He's really trying to get out of it because he has some medical problems... but we'll see how all that goes.

Then there is my other boss, David. He's been having neck/shoulder problems for a week or so which started after he was golfing one weekend. Come to find out, he's got some ruptured vertebrae or something to that effect... he's going to need spinal surgery this week to fix it. This means he can't go to Orlando with us to give out awards, golf, do the dinner or anything! OIE

So, guess who is going to have to pick up the slack? Yepper... me. I now have a script to read when passing out awards. (We award the principals who gave us the most commission every year.) Thank goodness Chris is going with me because I think I'll be a nervous wreck. My boss rented a hotel room for us Wednesday night so we didn't have to drive back at midnight... which was nice.

All this stuff is happening at my work, and -- all the while -- I don't know what's going to happen with me in January 2009. Are my hours cut? My pay? I'm still looking for a job like crazy - but nobody - and I mean NOBODY is calling back. It sure seems to ME like a really bad time for them to cut me to part time and therefore lose me. But... I don't know what the plan is. And now with David out, I don't know how or when I'm going to get to ask him!

Geez

Okay... on to more wonderful stuff!

So I told you that Jonathan is doing horrible in school, right? Middle of the 9 weeks and he was failing 3 classes. You look in his book bag and it's HORRIBLE... papers everywhere, not in folders - his whole life from school just scattered in a book bag.

Well, I got tired of it.

Across the hall from my office is Gail Myers of Myers Tutoring. She is always SO NICE to me, and she has a beautiful office, so I went over there to ask her if she could help me somehow. She offered to give him 'organizational classes' -- for FREE!

Amazing!

We went to meet with her on Sunday and she was awesome. She looked at all the papers in his book bag and saw that his papers that were graded had good grades. In a matter of minutes she figured out that he was a "global learner". She asked how he was doing in math... he said he was doing okay, but didn't understand imaginary numbers... it didn't make sense to him. She said that she LOVED imaginary numbers and she showed him how to do them in a way that made complete sense to him. She was doing problems on the board (a really cool 'smart' board!) and at one time Jonathan corrected her answer.

She then told him that she would try to help him get organized, stay organized and get better grades, so that HE will have more FREE time.

I told her about how he didn't ever want to do his Notebook in World History because it's only 4% of his grade. He said it took up too much time to put the notebook together for that little of a grade, so he'd rather just not do it. I see a zero and freak out! Gail explained to me that - because he was a global thinker/learner - this made total sense to him and to her. But, she said and looked right at Jonathan, that means the rest of your grades have to be good enough to allow you to miss that notebook assignment.

She suggested we get him a pendflex - which is an idea he hated. But she told him to just give it a try and see how he does with it. Chris picked one up today so we'll see how he does with it.

Justin is going in for surgery on Friday. I feel kinda bad that I'm not going to be there the day of his surgery, I have to work. But Chris and Michelle will both be there, and I'll see him when I get out of work. Please keep him in your prayers!

Julie is supposed to be having surgery on her hand for a carpal tunnel type injury on December 19th. I have mixed feelings about this surgery... on one hand, if she's uncomfortable (tingling in two fingers) and they can do surgery to fix it - great. On the other hand, she'll be off work through Christmas (bad time of year) and she'll miss a lot of work - who's to say in this economy that she'll have a job to come back to? And let me tell ya... it's HARD getting a job right now anywhere. Plus I can't imagine them just doing surgery right off... not trying anything else first. But anyways... she's having surgery on the 19th so keep her in your thoughts and prayers as well.

"We love Him because He first loved us." 1 John 4:9-10

Wonderfulizing Your Day

I can't believe how hard it is to find a job right now. *sigh* I have applied EVERYWHERE, hospitals, offices, monster.com, craigslist, heck - yesterday I applied for a job as a manager of Chuck-E-Cheese! Yes... I'm that desperate right now.

The good news is that my boss told me that they are not moving the office until April, and that he thought we could 'work something out' about my pay. But... I don't want a pay cut at all. I am PHENOMENAL at what I do... if anything, I'm underpaid. Additionally I can't AFFORD a pay cut. So -- I keep looking, hoping that the 'perfect' job will be waiting.

I'm also trying to get my sister Katie to get me an interview at Sun Trust. Kayte makes good money managing a Sun Trust. The funny thing is, how little she knows about computers and such. She's a good 'manager' but not so good in the office. Heck, she had to call me to ask me how to spell her job title for business cards! (I love you Katie!!) Whenever she needs something done on the computer or she needs something written, she'll ask me for help. Of course I help because I LOVE doing that kind of thing.

Katie said she talked to the head of H.R. the other day and actually told the woman that I should have HER job because I'm so good at it. Actually, Katie underestimates some of her strengths... she's very good with employees... something she's better at than I. Anyways, the HR manager told her to send my resume to her and maybe after the first of the year they'd have something open up for me. That would be really great!

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Kayla and I have talked very briefly. She called me to get onto me about taking away her mom's unsupervised visits. She told me it wasn't fair for me to do that to Julie when this was about her and me. I told her that the reason I took Julie's unsupervised visits away was because she showed extremely poor judgment in not coming to talk to me. I also explained to Kayla how I went into this knowing if Julie ever did ANYTHING that made me pause and question her intent or mental ability, I would HAVE to do this. The court order said she's not allowed to see them or talk to them unless I am within eye and earshot - I'm not punishing anyone - I'm following the court order.



I also was able to express my hurt feelings to Kayla in this conversation. I told her that what hurt me the most was that she had been telling everyone that she and I are "fighting all the time" when it just wasn't true. I asked her to name ONE time that she and I argued. She recalled a time last weekend when I cursed at her in the car (the time she was baiting me for a fight... sat in the back seat all the way to Church and kept laughing at me). I told her that the fight she was talking about was AFTER the phone call from Grandma Gwen... after she had gone around telling everyone that we were fighting. I asked her to tell me ONE time prior to that in which she and I argued or fought. She - of course - couldn't recall anything.

I told Kayla that if she wanted to move out just because she wanted to be on her own when she was 18, that's one thing. But to leave in a funk - telling everyone lies so that she'd feel more justified in leaving --- that was something else entirely. She can't do that... tell everyone all those lies... and then expect me not to be upset with her.

And... why Julie? Julie's apartment is TINY. (Oh, Julie tells me that she is NOT getting a new, 2 bedroom apartment until her lease is up) There are only a few reasons that I can think of: 1) Kayla just wants to go somewhere that she can do anything she wants to do without any rules. 2) Julie is lonely and wants someone to come live with her just to keep her company. 3) Kayla has issues with Chris and myself that she hasn't expressed to us. Any one of these three reasons isn't a good reason to get up and leave your brother, sister, high school, etc. Now Julie is going to help her with college applications? Julie who didn't finish high school and can't pass a GED exam? Really??

Regardless, Kayla is leaving and I've accepted it. I don't like it, but I've accepted it.

I still pray often for God to help me with taking the emotion out of it. To just let God do His thing, and me not get upset or emotional about it. It's working, but I still struggle at times.

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Jonathan is not doing well in school at all. He is failing at least 3 classes right now. He's grounded, not playing any games, no computer, and no cell phone. Yet... he's still unorganized and not motivated to get good grades. We have an appointment next week to discuss with the doctor - see about changing his medicine. Maybe that will help. Can't hurt!

It's funny because he's doing SO WELL in other areas... not stuck on the computer, more interactive at home, does and says funny things, plays piano often. He's just a pleasure to be around. But then... try to get him to do homework, wash clothes or pick up his room and it becomes a different story.

I don't think it's just him being a teenager - because teenagers usually WANT to do whatever they need to do to get off restriction. So... we'll see.

The other odd thing about Jonathan that I've never blogged about (it came up in therapy the other day) is how particular he is at SOME things. For example... in the morning when he has cereal, he goes through the ENTIRE spoon drawer looking for the perfect spoon. No spots, no smudges, nothing - has to be perfect. The same thing with cups/glasses... he looks for imperfections in the glass, fingerprints, smudges, whatever - and won't use it if it's not perfect. He's VERY much rigid with routines, in particular in the morning. He won't wear something unless it's COMPLETELY clean and ironed. If the shirt has a spot on it, he won't wear it.

Yet... his room is completely and utterly TRASHED. You can't walk on his floor without stepping on clothes or other things. When he eats in the game room or office, he'll just leave everything there. There have been times when I've found 4-5 glasses sitting on the desk and lots of bowls, spoons, etc... all over the floor. It's odd how his is so particular about some things, but not others. Course, I think it just makes him very interesting.

Funny - after just writing about what a pleasure he is to be around at home right now, he just threw a massive fit. One of his teachers was supposed to have uploaded his grade from an F to a D. He said... er... yelled... "I've been working my a** off all week to get my grade up, and she didn't fix it?" Slamming things around... just pure ANGRY. Sigh....

Pray that the medication change next week will help him, please!


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Panic is beginning to set in for Christmas.

I went to the mall last Saturday to pick up a couple tops for work and a choir performance we're having and the prices of things began to hit me.

Little Kayte went with us and showed me what she liked -- all pretty expensive. She's a "Hollister" kind of girl. LOL

We burned through all of our savings the past few months thanks to a tanking housing market. Course, then there's the broken tooth and the Durango broken down a few times that also hurt a bit. OIE! Course, the looming reality that the week after Christmas my monthly pay goes way down.

I figure I've got the four kids, Amanda (who now lives really close and spends more time here), and of course Julie - I'm sure they will all be here for Christmas. P-A-N-I-C. How am I going to get anything? Will what I can afford be enough? Sigh... I know it will be. The kids are really good and just happy to get anything.

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It's funny how much I realize, by blogging, that I hate it when I don't know things. I am unsure about my job in January. My pay come January. If we can do Christmas presents. Not knowing or understanding why Kayla is moving out. If Chris's business is going to be okay in this horrible recession we are in.

When I blog, I get to go back and read it and remind myself that God is in control. That He will do a much better job of things than I would and I just need to have faith.

No doubt I should blog more, even if things with the kids aren't completely chaotic - if for no other reason than to remind myself that it's all going to be okay. Because I have been a emotional/mental mess as of late - full of worry.

So, I'll leave it to God. I'll ask you for prayers. And I'll try to keep remembering that God has a plan.

Speaking of thinking positive; Chris sent this to me a few weeks ago. I thought this would be a good time to share it. Enjoy:

==============================

Try Wonderfulizing. It's.....Wonderful!

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Let's talk about how we spend our time thinking when we are alone not engaging with others. Much of the time we are thinking about events that might happen in the future or digging up the past.


When we think about the future, the tendency is to feel anxious, worry, or become uptight. When we look to the past, we often feel regret, sadness, or guilt over past deeds.


Neither one of these thinking tendencies appear to be useful. Instead, why don't you try practicing "wonderfulizing." This is the practice of creating stories in your head that have happy endings. Where the internal events of the stories are full of healthy exchanges and positive interactions.


All of your characters get what they want, and sometimes even more than they would ever imagine. Since it is a story about the future, we know it has no basis in reality, it is fiction. But it is fiction with a happy ending UNLIKE the fiction you create when you awfulize or catastrophize when you become uptight about an upcoming speech, confronting a dear friend,or beginning to play a "big" game.


These stories are also fictional, but they have unhappy endings. If both are fictional or irrational, I say choose wonderfulizing. You will enjoy the experience much more, and who knows, you may get more than you ever imagined.

Get Out Of God's Way

To say that I am angry with Julie right now would be a huge understatement. I found out she's going behind my back - lying to me or at the very least keeping things from me.

Remember the problem with Kayla? Well... Julie has been working with Kayla for a while now, telling her that she could just move in with her. She's even getting a 2 bedroom apartment - THAT is how much she has been working on this.

My sister Katie told me about it. Kayte and Justin sat down and talked to me about it. Seems everyone knew about it but me. Kayte and Justin actually told me that they hated it that they were doing this and I was going to be the 'last to know'. I was told that Kayla has been calling around playing the "I hate it here" card, seeing what she can get out of anyone. I guess I should expect it of a 17 year old... it wasn't too long ago that my daughter Amanda was in the same boat. But I did expect Julie to respond differently.

I was so angry that she was doing all this behind my back that I wrote her and told her that the trial run she had with unsupervised visits was now over. She's going behind my back first of all, which is immature and unacceptable. You would think that when Kayla talked to her and told her how we are always fighting and she is miserable and hates it here - Julie would have encouraged her to TALK to me. Then, a mature adult would have come and talked to me about the situation. Instead she just made plans to move her in.

If I can't trust her - if I can't trust what she is saying to the kids is a mature and appropriate conversation - then she shouldn't be able to take them unsupervised. What other inappropriate conversations is she having? Is she going to undermine me all the time? So from now on, she gets her once a week visit and that's it. Supervised - within eye and earshot at all times, just like the judge said.

Then -- early this morning she called my mom. Mom is in Hawaii, 5 hours behind us. Julie called mom at 5 am Hawaii time to ask her what MY address was. Mom didn't have it -- so Julie called our sister Katie. Katie asked her why she needed it and Julie said that she couldn't tell her because if she did... Katie would tell ME, and she didn't want that. Katie finally got it out of her -- she... no... "they" (so I assume it was her and Arthur) were at the courthouse. She was there to file paperwork to get unsupervised visits. Well, Katie didn't have my address and Julie ended up having to call me to get it.

Of course, I'm going to fight it. We'll let the courts decide.

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Things with the kids otherwise are going okay.

Kayla still isn't even talking to me, but I think she is doing okay. I'm trying to be as nice as I can.

Kayte is working at the church watching kids in the nursery. She now works four nights a week.

Justin is doing SO well in school. His surgery is scheduled for December 5th.

Jonathan isn't doing well at all in school - but his personality is phenomenal. He's much more fun around the house... playing games, active, playing with friends. It's really great.

I talked to Chris about the discipline in the house. He's agreed to take the responsibility of dishing out punishment. After checking grades and checking cell phone use, we found that Jonathan's grades were really bad and that Jonathan, Kayla and Kayte are all using their phones to text long after 10 pm. So tonight we sat Jonathan down and talked to him about how we WANT him to do better... but he MUST bring up his grades. We took his cell phone until he brings his grades up to at least a C. Then we took Kayte's cell phone when she went to bed so she couldn't text, telling her that she could get it back in the morning.

I have faith that it's all going to work out. I really do. Even the Kayla thing... if/when she moves out in January, we'll give each kid a bedroom - Kayte and Justin won't have to share a room anymore. Everything will work out. God has a plan.

I was at bible study Monday night and a friend said a really neat prayer that I have been using all week. He said that his prayer was to "take the emotion out of the situation. Get out of God's way." How perfect is that? I've been saying that over and over to myself ever since.

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Chris had a birthday yesterday - birthday #41. I was off for the day and we went to Busch Gardens for the day. We have year passes, so it was a beautiful way to spend the day. It was SO NEAT - we got to feed Giraffes! It was really a unique experience.

Then that night we all went to dinner, all 6 of us, which is unbelievably rare. Chris's mom and Jimmie joined us way up north at a place called Rapscallions. It was really nice, and really cool to have everyone together out to eat.

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I am exhausted after a long day at work and home. I should run for the evening. Please continue to keep us in your prayers. I know God is listening!

Believe while others...
By William Arthur Ward

Believe while others are doubting.
Plan while others are playing.
Study while others are sleeping.
Decide while others are delaying.
Prepare while others are daydreaming.
Begin while others are procrastinating.
Work while others are wishing.
Save while others are wasting.
Listen while others are talking.
Smile while others are frowning.
Commend while others are criticizing.
Persist while others are quitting.

Teenager Troubles

For anyone who subscribes to my blog via feedblitz, it didn't send the last blog - so you might want to go check it out.

Tonight I'm still in a knot about the kids. Kayla in particular. We had a really bad night tonight. Things between us haven't been good for a while. Our communication is horrible, she doesn't talk to me, she lies to me about silly little things as well as important things. And I just HATE it.

I don't even know what happened tonight. Gwen had told me that she was going to hold off on getting Kayla a car. Kayla fully believed that at Christmas Gwen was coming down to buy her a car. Since Gwen told her that she's going to fully pay for the car, regardless of how much money she saved, as well as the insurance she'll need for the car - Kayla just hasn't been saving as much, she puts aside $100 or so every paycheck, but sometimes she just keeps the whole thing. Plus - Kayla will have a car, insurance, and not be able to drive. She hasn't taken drivers ed - and I've driven with her... she needs to practice more. She isn't home enough for us to teach her, as I think I said in the last blog.

Tonight, apparently Kayla called Gwen and I found her in her room crying quite a bit. Now Kayla tells me that she is going to get her car from Gwen. But she called Gwen just when we were sitting down for dinner. We called her to come to the table, and called her, and called her. She ignored us (she said she didn't hear us, but our house is NOT that big). Chris yelled at her for not coming to the table -- we ended up eating the entire dinner without her as she never did come down to dinner.

Later I took the kids to a goodbye party for their youth leader. On the way there, they 'baited me' into arguing with them. Justin thought I should let him listen to whatever kind of music he wants to. (I just had him take off a song he had on his Myspace that said words like "Fuc*" and "Motherfuc*er" ALL the time.) He said that he should be able to listen to whatever he wants to. That his Auntie Katie thought the song was fine and he couldn't understand why I didn't think it was okay. She listens to the same music and she's just fine. I tried telling him 'because I said so', especially because we have talked about this same thing over and over and over and over again. But Kayla sat in the back seat snickering at every thing I said. Drove me nuts, and I ended up yelling at her telling her to stop laughing at me. It was just............ horrible.

Now she's putting on her myspace that she "can't wait" and that she is "DONE fighting with this family."

I feel broken inside. I feel so sad when she is hurt or angry or unhappy. Yet I know she is struggling with this desire to be albe to do anything she wants to do.

Please pray for our relationship.

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Julie had her visit today. She hasn't been to Church with us in.... jeez... I don't know how long. Course I've missed a few weeks here and there as well. She came over about 11:30 and took Kayte and Justin to her house until about 6.

I was home making dinner when she called and said she couldn't come over for dinner because Arthur needed her. Apparently he doesn't have a car and needed someone to take him to the hospital. I guess I'm going to keep my mouth shut about how I feel about him not being able to take himself - but suffice to say I wasn't happy about making a big dinner and her canceling out at the last minute.

I guess it just added to my horrible day.

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I don't have a lot of energy to go into things too much tonight. I'm just writing to ask you to please pray for us. Pray for our family.... for Kayla.... and for me. I need to find a place of happiness even when the kids are -- acting like tough teenagers. Thanks.

Parental Funk

I'm in a funk. I feel like a horrible parent who has no control over her teenagers.

Report cards came in yesterday. First up... Kayla, who got a D in math. Kayte and Justin each got one C, and Jonathan got 4 C's. Here's my problem -- the 'consequence' for not making honor roll for Justin, Kayte and Kayla was for them to lose their phones until they DID make honor roll. However, Kayla has already told us she'd just go out and get another cell phone from Metro PCS and pay for it herself. We don't want that... we want to be able to know when she's on the phone at 2am, ya know? So... we told her that she could, instead, just pay HER portion of the cell phone bill.

However, how unfair is that to Kayte and Justin? To add to the unfairness, Jonathan wasn't given the cell phone and warned against not making honor roll... he NEVER makes honor roll. Instead he was given a phone to put in appointments and reminders. However, lately he uses his cell phone mostly for texting and talking. How can we take away their phones when Kayla and Jonathan are able to keep theirs? Heck, Kayte and Justin's report cards were BETTER than Kayla's and Jonathan's.

It's easy to say "just take all the phones away".... but.... I'm having a really hard time with it. First of all... you have to LIVE in the teenage hormone hell that we are in to know that having FOUR unhappy teenagers is going to be an awful living environment for the next 2 nine weeks. Second, I'm not a good disciplinarian, Chris is. But Chris has backed WAY off of disciplining since the big thing with Jonathan, when Jonathan started going to counseling - and that has worked to help mend the relationship between the two of them. Yet... they are all now getting away with everything. In the past, Chris would get all over the kids for doing poorly, and I'd allow it when needed and pull him back if I felt he was being unfair. Now... it's just on me.

The funny thing is that all 4 of them feel that the grades they received were, for one reason or another, "not really their fault". I suppose that's a teenager thing... but they need to own up to their grades - they earned them. Kayla's just not good in math, so it's not really her fault. Kayte had a 79.6 and the teacher, she feels, should have rounded up her grade. Jonathan isn't allowed to make up the work or for whatever reason he just can't do it. Justin was using somebody else's locker and his workbook was stolen out of the locker, allowing several zeros to bring down his grade. So.... nobody here is taking blame.

Well, I wouldn't say nobody... I'm taking all the blame. I'm a horrible parent. I feel that way anyways.

Then there is this current 9 weeks, which we are now 3 weeks into. Of the few grades that are posted, Kayla has one F, Jonathan has 2 F's. F's???????? Yeah.... F's. Both of them say not to worry, that they will bring them up. But ya know... last week I had that conference with Kayla's teacher last week, and just today I got a call from one of Jonathan's teachers. She noted that he was 'just not the same' the past week or so in math. Not doing assignments, not taking notes, not bringing his book, etc. Today she had to stand him up in the back of the class as a discipline method. Sigh..........

The funny thing about that is -- since the computer was taken away from Jonathan... he's been a pretty GREAT kid at home. He's outside playing, going to the park, hanging out with friends... it's been like a dream come true. All the kids have noticed it as well. I expected him to do as Kayla does when she doesn't get her way.... go in his room and sleep all day. But he hasn't.

I'm also worried about Kayla and the people she's hanging out with - still. I know I've mentioned it as a concern before. Kayla isn't really 'doing' anything wrong at home, but I just feel it... I just know it.... she's headed in the wrong direction. For example - one of her friends, Anne, has a boyfriend who was just "locked up" and is now in a treatment facility. Well... the guy wanted to send letters to Anne, but he and Anne didn't want Anne's mom to find out. They planned on lying to her mother when he got "passes" to come home. Their plan was to tell the mom that he was in New York. Well, he's now sent 5 letters to my house. First of all, I have a problem with Kayla giving out our address to a guy who is locked up. Chris is a retired corrections officer... we do NOT want our address known by those people. Second... this guy is NASTY in his emails. He talks about how he wants her to have his "jit"(his baby), and that if they didn't 'do it' last time, they would work on it more when he got out. He says that she should know how much he loves her because if he didn't he would have worn a condom. EWW! Oh, and he best part... not only does he smoke weed, he SELLS IT. He wrote one letter to a guy who he used to smoke with and sell with. In that letter he told the guy that he should get his grades better, focus on school for a little while, and THEN he could start "burning" (smoking weed) again. Great advice, huh? Yeah... these people, these friends of hers, are really going places, ya think?

I can't get her to see it. She thinks her friends are misunderstood. And... if I can't help her see it, then doesn't it again make me a bad parent? Again, I strike out. Fail. Sigh....

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Okay, that's pretty sad up there. Let me start telling you some good news.

Justin got a note from his teacher. He did an essay where he was asked to interview a teacher then write about it. Well, he did and in his essay he talked about how he never realized how difficult their jobs were. (Sucking up to the teachers I'd guess, but it worked!) The teacher gave him back the essay and wrote this on it:

"Justin,
This is the bet essay in all of my classes. Excellent job - you were clear, precise & creative. Thanks! :o)
P.S. - Out of 60+ papers, you were the ONLY one to get a 100% and one of the only people who deserved / received an "A". I'm SO PROUD of you! :o)"

Good stuff, huh? Of course, essay writing that these kids do is NOT what we used to have to do. The teachers, even English teachers (which was the case in this paper) didn't grade based on spelling. Kids today are ALLOWED to spell things wrong, and even not have them corrected. Teachers today feel that it's more important that kids learn to express themselves than spelling correctly. I disagree, thinking they are not going to get very far in the corporate world if they can't spell correctly. But... I'm not a teacher, and I have to trust that they know what they are doing.

Anyways, we are SO PROUD of Justin for this note from the teacher - I didn't mean to imply I wasn't when I talked about the spelling.

Speaking of Justin -- he had the MRI and saw the Orthopedic guys at USF -- he definitely has a complete tear of his ACL. Additionally he may have something wrong with his meniscus... but they can't tell for sure on the MRI. He is scheduled for surgery on 12/5/08. It was weird hearing them talk about how they were going to fix it: they were going to try to use some of his hamstring but they were going to have a cadaver part on-hand just in case they can't use his.

It was difficult scheduling this surgery for the 5th and not wait for December 12th. I'm off on Dec. 12th and would love to be there for him. It's outpatient surgery, but still... would love to be there for him. Working alone... it's not so easy to get additional days off - so Chris is going to take him. It's MORE important that he get the surgery quickly... they say that the sooner he has it done, the better and shorter his recovery will be. (There I go again, feeling like a horrible parent!)

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OMG... I'm sitting at my desk typing this and a SPIDER just walked across my chest/shirt. I think I bruised myself slapping the HECK out of it. I'm DEATHLY afraid of spiders. Usually I can't even MOVE when I see them... but to see it walking across me, I just squished it hard. And bruised myself probably. LOL

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Did I tell you that I rejoined Toast of Tampa Show Chorus? Well... I did. I've been to 5 rehearsals so far, passed my audition, choreography, and am just now waiting to be voted into the chorus. Chris loves it that I come home every Tuesday night so happy.

At lunch today I was thinking about Barbershop Competitions... both men's and women's. And my mind went to a really cool story I'd like to share with you. It shows the kindness that stems from this barbershop family.

Chris was in the Heralds of Harmony at the time. We were young... rather new to barbershop, and the kids were young. The Heralds were getting ready to go to International Competition in Nashville. We didn't have a lot of money, and certainly didn't have anything saved for emergencies (the getting married and having a baby at 18 didn't allow us to save anything).

It was the night before we were supposed to leave. The plan was that Chris was going to drive up to Nashville in his truck. But that evening, heck, I think it was actually on the way to rehearsal, his truck broke down. I remember it was something he could fix, but he couldn't fix it in a day.

I drove him up to the last rehearsal before we were supposed to leave. We were late (because of the truck breaking down) so he didn't have time to tell his director, then Tony DeRosa (who is now my chorus at director!) that he couldn't go to Nashville. So he jumped into the rehearsal and figured he'd talk to Tony after rehearsal.

I was sitting on the floor, watching them sing. I remember Chris singing and how much I enjoyed watching him sing. Then they got to "When You Wish Upon a Star" or something like that.... it was a slow song and just BEAUTIFUL. The chorus locking and ringing barbershop chords. Watching Chris sing from the heart. And my heart breaking because I was the only person in the room (other than Chris) who knew he couldn't go with them to Jacksonville. My heart began to break for him... and I felt the tears beginning to well in my eyes.

I didn't want to make a scene at ALL, and so I quietly got up in the middle of the song, and went outside to cry by myself. I was sobbing quietly when a friend of mine, Chris DeRosa, came in. She was walking past me and I tried to pretend like I was fine, but she noticed I was crying and asked me what was wrong. I tried to just smile and say I was fine, but I couldn't hold it in.

You have to know that in our Barbershop choruses, singing at an international competition level, the WORK that you put into getting everything ready for competition is a LOT of work. I could understand if he couldn't go just because we were broke... but... it was just because the truck broke down that evening.

I explained to Chris DeRosa why I was crying. Explained about the car and all of that. Well... her family is a big-ole barbershopping family. Her brother, Tony, was the director, her dad, Papa Joe DeRosa was the former director and a VERY well known barbershopper. Her mom was also a barbershopper. She understood why I was so upset.

The next thing I remember was her talking to her parents, Lois and Papa Joe. They came over to me and said "he is taking our Van to Nashville, and you are not saying no".

Uh... what?

They explained that they had a van at home that was just going to sit there. It would make it to Nashville just fine. They insisted that we take the van.

How can we borrow their car? Not to run to the store... to run up to Nashville! It seemed like WAY too much. My ears were ringing... I remember being stunned by the offer. I kept trying to say no... I mean, what if something happened on the way up to Nashville? What if, God forbid, there was an accident? Papa Joe said if there was an accident - it was meant to be, it would have happened anyways, they had insurance, and they would not hold it against us by any means... it was God's will. Again, they wouldn't take no for an answer.

It's been many years now since that contest. Chris DeRosa is now Chris Kirkman... married to a WONDERFUL man. She lost her daughter to cancer. Papa Joe passed away the year before that. And I now sing in the chorus with Tony as director and his mom and Chris.

I will never forget their graciousness. They didn't just 'let us borrow a van'... they allowed him to make that memory of the International Competition in Nashville.

If the whole world were like the DeRosa's example... we'd live in one wonderful place. God is blessing them every day I'm sure.

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“‘You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ The entire law and all the demands of the prophets are based on these two commandments.”
Matthew 22:37-40

Happy Birthday Mom!

I'm really upset right now with Kayte. We allowed her to borrow our digital camera to take to a Halloween party she was going to the other day. We told her, just make sure you bring it right back to us -- it's our ONLY camera and it's Uncle Chris's work camera.

She left it in Julie's glove box to her car. Somehow or another -- someone STOLE it out of Julie's glove box. As if they knew it was in there. Didn't take one single other thing... just our camera.

Chris is upset that Julie left her car unlocked... I'm upset that Kayte left it in there to begin with when we were specific about brining it RIGHT home. You might think that Kayte is the youngest... so why would we trust her with this. But... of all four kids, Kayte really is the most 'responsible'.

Usually.

Apparently not this time. Funny, I was just looking at the photos of Christmas 2007 when I got that camera from Chris. I was SO HAPPY to finally have a digital camera to be able to share photos with everyone and the family.

Sigh.... now I guess I know what to ask for this Christmas. Another digital camera. :o(

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We just had a big party at my house for my Mom's 65th birthday. I made dinner for her... Blackened Chicken Alfredo. It was a little too spicy for my taste, but still yummy. It's odd how much I enjoy cooking now. Cutting up the Basil leaves.... mixing the spices... just LOVE it. I thought it was going to be hard cooking for 14.... but... I actually have a ton left over. Probably because it was too spicy.

We had Mom and John, Katie, Tony and her two daughters, Amanda, Julie and my whole crew.

Mom got several nice things for her birthday, but I know what she loved most of all was everyone being together. She got a picture of all her grandkids in one picture. Good times!

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Here are the photos I promised you of the kids taken this year at school. I should run... still have much to do to unwind from the night.

I'll leave you with this for this evening...

Gratitude

By Adelaide Aldi

Gratitude always gives back, I had been down in the dumps this week, and thinking things are just not kicking into gear. I don't know how many times I switched on to different tools to switch my mood and lift my spirits and still, things didn't seem to take shape. The 'Secret' says, find a song or memory that keeps you happy. I even tried listening to various chapters of the secret to get that focus but to no avail.

This morning I came to work, Friday should be an exciting day, it's the start of the weekend, and I still felt like I'm not making head or tail. I was up early because I felt like there was just not going to be enough time in the day for all the things I had to do; I was feeling anxious. I had a presentation to make, radio errands to run, a tender paper to write and it just seemed like my day was doomed from the start.

But as I got to work, a cousin called me with some semi good news that reflected that our relationships as kin were going to change for the better. That put a smile on my face. And soon, after that, I learned I didn't have to go for the presentation after all. So that put an even bigger smile on my face. Then I found a CD that I had been fretting about because I couldn't find it. So my day just kept getting better.

I was saying thank you silently for all these coincidental blessings. This is the process of gratitude I suspect. It's said that no matter how things can be going wrong on the outside, as long as you have a sense of gratitude flowing in you, things can turn out for the better.
I started thinking back to how I woke up this morning and didn't give thanks that I had woken up early, or that my colleague gave me a ride to work, or that the presentation could work out even if I am there or not.

The little things that we have and do in our lives, all deserve, gratitude. Gratitude begets blessings your way. I know it's not easy to stay positive all the time, and I suffer from that, many a time, but I am slowly learning that whatever, you do, always do your best, and give gratitude for the little things and experiences. Gratitude will always reciprocate with bigger blessings.

Everything Is Possible

Today is Friday, the last day of my totally random three-day vacation days from work. I needed to take vacation days before the end of the year... so I just picked seven random days in October, November and December to enjoy the days off.

Things here at home are kinda crazy. For example... last night we got a call from Kayla at about 9:30. She was crying really bad and told me to please come up to her work. There was a Jamaican guy who works with her that was there harassing her. She's had problems with this guy before. She has told us that he keeps "touching" her while she works and she yells at him, telling him to stop. I asked Chris to get into 'corrections officer' mode and let's go up to McDonald's to check on her.

We get up there and the guy was already gone. The police had already been called by McDonald's management. Apparently this guy and his cousin (who is a very large and intimidating guy) came up and started cursing at Kayla. They crossed the line when they threw dipping sauces at her.

The manager said that he 'would be fired' - but there was a process for that. The police officer said that since he was technically still an employee, they couldn't issue a trespass order that night. But - once he was fired - if he came back, they could then issue the trespass warning.

I'm telling you -- they BETTER fire the guy immediately. I'm already still fuming that this McDonald's hasn't refunded money they've taken out of her check for drawer shortages. I think I told you that before... they take money out of her check if her drawer is short. There are several issues with that: one being that she is not the only one with access to that drawer, and that they take the money out when she's short, but don't put money IN if she's over. They said she signed something when she started saying it was okay for them to do that... but it's still against the law - any HR person can tell you that -- and she was a minor, only 16 at the time.. it doesn't matter what she signed. So... yeah... I'm still upset about that.

To add to my day yesterday, I got a call from one of Kayla's teachers. She wanted to meet with me to talk about Kayla's attitude and behavior. I met with her yesterday afternoon and she explained to me that Kayla's grades are good in her class, but her attitude is horrible. She said that she talks throughout class to her friends, at will, regardless of what the teacher is talking about or how many times she tells her to stop. Not good. Then she tells me that Kayla has a good friend that she talks to throughout class. This friend has already been suspended once this year, and that the friend was not doing well in class and really wasn't going to 'go anywhere'. Kayla, on the other hand, DOES do well in class and has a bright future in front of her. This teacher can't figure out why Kayla is associating with her. That - this girl is going to bring her down. I can totally see that... Kayla's whole new group of friends are not the long-term friends kind of people. I don't know what she's doing there. Then she tells me that Kayla also brings food into her class and eats, even though it's against class rules and she's told her to stop. The teacher said that she has never before had a class like this class -- where she will tell the kids to do something, get out a book or assignment, and someone will just say "no"! Then it infects the rest of the class and everyone tells her "no". She explained that Kayla's attitude is "I can do whatever I want and you can't do anything about it". Sigh... I know all about that - I've seen it plenty too. But I also know that Kayla wants to do the right thing... and that will hopefully keep her on track.

I had a talk with Kayla and explained that she had the chance to be the GOOD example in this class. That the teacher doesn't deserve kids talking back to her every day. She is there from 6:30 in the morning until 4:30 in the afternoon 5 days a week... just because if a kid wants to come before or after class for help, she wants to be there for them. She doesn't deserve to be treated poorly. And Kayla has enough charisma and friends to where HER deciding to act well in the class might just ripple on through the rest of the class. She said she's going to try, so we'll see.

Jonathan has had a really bad week. He has been SO addicted to that computer, playing World of Warcraft. On school days he plays from 3:30 in the afternoon until bedtime, only taking breaks when we force him to do so. On weekends, it's all-day until he has a scheduled break. Now, the computer he was using has been returned - so he doesn't have one he can use. It was really hard for him... I know. But -- I have to tell you how wonderful it was last night. He played X-Box for a little while after school, then he went to a friend's house for a couple hours, came home and played Piano (made up a new song). I muted the television and just sat for a while... listening and smiling. It was wonderful to see him not stuck in one place/in one chair ALL DAY.

Justin has had a good week. He received a card the other day from one of his teachers. It says "Justin - Congrats on being selected "most honorable" student! I am so proud of you; you take your education and roles as a learning student seriously, and I know you will be so successful in your future plans. Thank you for all you are - Keep up the excellent work! :) Ms. Orlando" WOW, what a surprise that was, and what an honor for Justin!

Speaking of Justin, he is going on Monday for the MRI of his knee, then Tuesday to meet with the doctors out at USF again to discuss the results and possible surgical options. Sure hope all of that goes well.

I got the WORST haircut of my life last weekend. Sunday I went for a little 'trim'. My bangs were in my eyes, and so I knew it was time for just a bit to be trimmed, it had been two months since my really GREAT haircut. I got compliments all the time on my hair, so I wanted to make sure to keep the look 'fresh', not wait another 6 or 8 months for a haircut like I usually do. I went to the same place, Great Clips, but got a different guy. I told him what I wanted, and he did a horrible job. Cut WAY more than a trim... then he did it horribly uneven. My right side was 3/4 of an inch longer than the left. There were pieces that were hacked away and other pieces that were - literally - 2 inches longer in length. You could clearly see it when I tried to put a curling iron in it. HORRIBLE. I lived with it a few days, before finally deciding to go to a different Great Clips and asking them to fix it. Now it's just SHORT all over. UGG. But... at least it's even. I tried to figure out what to 'do' with it this morning... and I just can't find a style I like. I'm just SO upset that this guy ruined my hair. I keep saying to myself though... "It'll grow back!" It will, and it's only hair... so I'll make the best of it I guess.

Report cards should be here next week. I don't know what we are going to do with the kids and their phones. The cell phones were given to Kayla, Justin and Kayte as a 'reward' for getting honor roll, with the understanding that they would have them taken away if they didn't make honor roll the next 9 weeks. Jonathan has a cell phone which was given to him to keep reminders and schedule tasks - things he forgets because of his aspergers. Well... Kayla is going to have a D on her report card. That much we are sure about. But... Kayla will run out and get a Metro PCS phone if we take hers away. She has done it twice before, and she told us she'd do it again. So... what to do about that? We decided to make her pay her own share of the cell phone bill when it comes in. Kayte, I am pretty sure, is going to have honor roll. She had a C, but it was a 79.8, so I think they are going to round it up to a B. Justin has a C, which he thinks is unfair to him. He had a workbook stolen from his locker and he didn't make up the work between the time it was stolen and he got a new workbook. All the other grades in the class are great, with the exception of those few zeros, which brought him down to a C. Justin thinks it's unfair that he lose his cell phone for this, since it was 'beyond his control'. I think he could have borrowed someone else's workbook, re-written all the assignments, and just turned them in. I got permission for him to do this from the teacher, but he never did it. Said that the other kids workbooks were already completed and graded and it felt like cheating, so he didn't do it. So.... I'm torn about him. Jonathan is going to have 2 C's I'm pretty sure. But Jonathan's phone wasn't given to him on the understanding that he needed honor roll to keep it. So.... I just don't know what the right thing to do is. If I take Justin's phone, he's certainly going to think it's unfair that Jonathan and Kayla both still have their phones. This parenting thing is pretty tough at times like this!!

I have photos of the kids from school, I'll try to get them scanned and uploaded her in a couple days. All the kids look GREAT! And... all of them growing up so much. Justin and Jonathan are getting so tall, Kayla and Kayte are both so beautiful! As soon as I figure out how to scan from the printer using this computer (Vista - ugg!), I'll get them loaded here for you.

We are having a big dinner here at my house on Sunday for my mom's birthday. She's going to be the big 6-5. We were going to go out to eat, but figured with the economy the way it is and everyone pinching pennies, it would be better to eat a home-cooked meal. So... I'm going to make her one of my favorite Apron's meals... Blackened Chicken Fettuccine Alfredo. Should be good! I was going to make another batch with shrimp, but the more I think about feeding 13 people, the more I think I need to make it as easy as possible and I might just stick with only the chicken. Wish me luck on this dinner, I'm a little nervous about it.

As Halloween approaches and the Christmas decorations hit the store, I'm surprised that I'm not more freaked out about the fact that we are less than two months away from Christmas. I guess I'm now okay with knowing that the kids really have everything they 'need'. They know I'm facing a job loss at the beginning of the year, so I think they'll be okay with us getting whatever we can afford for them for Christmas. Of course, they haven't yet started asking... but - given the times I know that we are not the only family in this financial boat. I have faith that God will provide -- He always has.

I'm still nowhere with the job search. I've gotten two calls out of the dozens of places I sent my resume to. One was for a part-time position that didn't pay all that well. The second was from a guy who was opening a metal manufacturing shop in Oldsmar and he needed a 'Girl Friday' to start in a week. Oh, and the Girl Friday needed to understand she'd be working with men all day long... and country men on top of it. I pretty well understood what he was saying. I could probably work in that environment - but I am not willing to leave my current boss in a lurch by starting a new job in a week. So... I'm continuing to look. I know God has a plan... I just have to believe in it and keep the faith. And with the help of your prayers, I'm going to keep the faith.

" 'If you can'?" said Jesus. "Everything is possible for him who believes." Mark 9:23

Prayers for Justin

Well... it's official - Justin has a torn ACL in his knee.

Chris took him to see the doctors out at USF on Thursday and they confirmed what the initial thought was - torn ACL. He has to do pre-surgical physical therapy, and they - again - told him to keep walking on it. He is moving around much better on it now though. The swelling has gone down quite a bit and he is really careful about using it. He takes the stairs at home nice and slow... keeps it wrapped most of the time... etc.

Justin tells me that they are going to schedule the surgery on 11/4. I don't yet know the exact date of the surgery, but I'll let you know when I hear.

He could actually go his entire life and NOT have the surgery... but he would never again be able to play sports of any kind. And... Justin is a VERY active boy who loves all kinds of sports... we need to have this fixed. They say if he works hard at therapy, it's possible he could resume playing football next year - his Senior year of high school. I know he would very much like that - he was just getting to be really good at his position.

I was worried about the therapy at first... how to schedule it three times a week when we are already so busy. I mean... we'd make time for it of course, but it seemed a little overwhelming when I looked at the calendar and realized that we'd need to schedule this three times a week after work for a while (both pre-surgical and post-surgical therapy). But... something really neat happened.

Justin went to football practice on Saturday, because he is still a part of the team. He couldn't work or play of course, but he could be there to support his team. Well - Gaither High School has a trainer there from USF. She worked with him on Saturday and suggested that he do his pre-surgical therapy there with her. Justin knows her, he likes her, and he's already THERE 6 days a week. She's going to call his doctor on Monday and clear it with her. I'm sure the doctor will be fine with it... she's trained for this sort of thing and she has all the therapy equipment right there at the school. This is a wonderful solution for us!

Speaking of wonderful... I know I told you all that Chris was fortunate enough to go to the World Series last blog. Our best friend Michelle, who's company is a sponsor for the Rays, got two tickets for the first game. She brought Chris along since it was actually Chris who told her initially to partner with the Rays this year. What a great year it was to partner up with the Rays, huh?

Well, I know I was a bit bummed about it last blog, but honestly - I was happy for them. their tickets were AWESOME - two tickets in the Whitney Bank Club, where they have leather seating, TV's, and tons of free food and drinks. Not hot dogs and chips... we're talking Salmon, Prime Rib and lots of other great stuff. Plus all the free beer you could possibly want. Incredible! Then... they were given two more seats once there, right on top of the Rays' dugout! They went down to sit on the dugout about the 6th inning or so.

Justin and Jonathan had a big fight today. They don't usually fight anymore - they did when Justin first moved in, but not much anymore. This morning, Jonathan was trying to make breakfast, which was toaster strudels. He needed the toaster. Our toaster is kinda weird, it's on the side/built into the microwave. You can only cook 2 at a time... but I like the toaster as it's good on space on my counter. Jonathan couldn't figure out how to work it.

Justin came down and saw how much trouble Jonathan was having. Justin convinced Jonathan that the toaster was 'broken' but that he knew how to fix it. He offered to fix it, as long as Jonathan let Justin eat first. Jonathan didn't want that... he just wanted to toast the things. Justin refused to help him unless he offered to let him go ahead of him.

A big fight ensued - so our morning today was off to a pretty bad start. I talked to both boys... telling Jonathan that his reaction of anger was 'over the top' and inappropriate - and I told Justin he should have just helped his cousin, not tried to get something out of it. I told him - if you love someone, especially family, you don't offer to fix something ONLY if you personally get something in return. He should have just showed Jono how to toast it. Justin couldn't grasp the concept that he did anything wrong. Sigh....

I've had a horrible headache for days now. Been sick on top of it with some kind of cold/flu. I actually took a half sick day on Friday - which is only my 3nd sick day of the entire year. The headache is because I'm once again out of my Topamax (preventative medicine for migraines). I swore I wouldn't run out again... but I get my pills from Julie. It's a long story about how come I get them from Julie... but I found out today I can't do that anymore, so I have to go back to my doctor and get the refills. I'll do that tomorrow.

The Durango is fixed (again) thanks to Chris. He actually fixed two things, replaced the power steering pump and fixed a seal that was causing the radiator to leak. The funny thing was that the Durango has been.... squeaking I guess you'd call it.... in the engine for a while now. We didn't know why... just figured that it was because the poor thing was so old. When Chris replaced the power steering pump, the squeaking went away! Go figure!! It's so quiet now, it's almost like driving a new car. Wait... I don't know what that's like... it's like driving a MUCH better car now.

Still nothing on the job search. I'm trying not to get discouraged... really I am. But I could still use prayers - specifically prayers for me to not lose faith.

I should run... I still hear the kids awake upstairs and it's nearly 11 pm. Thank you for your continued prayers and support. It means the world to us.

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you." Deuteronomy 31:6

World Series Night - Go Rays!

Oie, I'm having a bad day.

First, the Durango - the one we just fixed - broke again last night. Thank goodness that it's something Chris can fix this time. The power steering pump went out. It's getting to the 10-year mark, so I guess it's time that things are going to really start going out on it. But... we really need the Durango to last a few more years. I feel very fortunate that my little Mustang, now going to be 12 years old, is holding up well. I don't drive it far, which I guess helps. I might gripe about it now and again... heck, it has a spray-painted door, and when it rains the inside of my car gets very wet... but it sure does a good job of getting me from point A to point B.

I've applied for a LOT of jobs... and not had any calls yet for an interview. Bummer! Several of the jobs I've applied for using Craig's list have been for employment companies, not actually 'jobs' as they advertised for. One guy I called today was looking for an inside sales person for a plumbing company up in the North Dale Mabry/Lutz area. His ad said his company was 'recession proof'. Sounded like something I could do easily, so I called. In talking with the owner, he told me that he owned two companies, one a coffee shop of some kind (small), and the plumbing company. The plumbing company was doing so poorly that he closed the office, 'downsized' staff, and moved into the coffee shop to run the day-to-day business. He was hoping to hire someone to build the plumbing company back up. I kept thinking... if his business was down and he had to downsize his staff already - why did he advertise that his company was 'recession proof'? He told me I could come by the coffee shop to meet him... but I don't think that's something I want to do anymore.

And then I went to the school tonight to pick up Justin after football practice. He tells me that he hurt his knee and the trainer wants to talk to me. I pull up to the school and see Justin with this HUGE knee. They had an ice pack wrapped with an ace wrap around his knee. The trainer tells me that Justin was practicing football, went for a catch (he's a wide receiver) and jumped really high to catch the ball, fell on it wrong followed by someone falling on his knee. The trainer thinks he might have torn his ACL. Something about how his knee was moving and how quickly his knee swelled up. UGG

This means I need to get him to the doctors tomorrow. Only... tomorrow is a HORRIBLE day for me to miss any work. Remember that company that dropped us... the one that caused me to be told that my position is going to part time in January? Well, another company - a competitor for the one who is dropping us - wants to hire us. They are coming to our office tomorrow to meet with us first thing in the morning.

But - sometime tomorrow - I have to call the primary care doctor. He will probably want to see Justin. Maybe get an X-Ray of his knee. Then he'll probably refer us to the Orthopedic doctors. When the heck am I going to be able to do all this?????

And the Rays, so far - top of the 5th - are not winning. Sigh....

Chris and Michelle are AT the World Series. Michelle, who's company is a corporate sponsor with the Rays, got the call yesterday that her guy there was going to give her two tickets to the game tonight. Oh... not 'just' tickets. They get tickets to the Whitney Bank Club seats. Free food (good food!), free drinks, leather seats............. sigh. But I'm happy they are there enjoying the game. What a great friend that - when given extra tickets, even for the flipping World Series - calls us to go with her. :o) Usually she gets four seats, but - this being the World Series - she only got two.

I'm here with the four kids... which I took to dinner. It was going to be just Jono and I... but then Kayla and Kayte came home, and Justin called to be picked up. So we all had dinner.

So, I'm here - watching the game on the sofa all by myself.

I just put all the kids to bed. By 'put to bed' I mean that I told them for the past 20 minutes to go to bed... then went upstairs to get them to turn off TV's and lights and all that stuff. Sheesh.

Justin tells me he doesn't feel well... he thinks that he is running a fever. I check it - and sure enough... low grade fever. On top of everything else... a FEVER!?!?

Chris just called - their Rays guy just moved them to seats 116, which have been 'our seats' all year long - right on top of the Rays' dugout. He wants me to watch for them on TV. From the Whitney Banks Club where they get to eat and drink all they want... and now on top of the dugout? SHEESH!

I sure hope the game doesn't go on too long tonight. I have to get some sleep - Justin, who can barely hobble around on his knee - has to get going early tomorrow morning in order to catch the bus. He is usually the last one up, the last one out the door - and only ONCE, I'm told, he's actually made it to his bus stop in time to catch the bus to school. He usually ends up missing it and having to run and catch the bus at another stop. No running tomorrow... and I have a bad feeling that he's going to be knocking on my door at 6:45 in the morning telling me that he's missed the bus completely. We'll see....

I think it's time to open a bottle of wine, pour a glass, and get in the hot tub. LOL There' s a TV out there, I can watch and relax at the same time. :o)

I think this is the quote I need to focus on whenever I get frustrated about finding a job. I'll leave you with this for the night...

"Focus more on your desire than on your doubt, and the dream will take care of itself. You may be surprised at how easily this happens. Your doubts are not as powerful as your desires, unless you make them so." -Marcia Wieder-

Faithless or Afraid?

First - the good news. Kayla's blood test came back. She is allergic to cats, dogs and scallops. Odd - I know. She has NO symptoms of allergies what-so-ever. Just a random blood test that came in showing an abnormality which pointed us in a direction that eventually told us that. Weird. But a blessing that it wasn't something else - for sure!

Julie had me mad as hell about it. Came in on Sunday saying that Arthur said that Leukemia "runs in his family". Well - gee, I'm sorry to hear that, but what does that have to do with us? Well, since he thinks he's Kayla's father, it's important. Oh, and Kayla believes he's her father too. Forget the fact that the freaking PATERNITY TEST said he wasn't. I mean, I can really want to be a car... sit in my garage for YEARS... but it doesn't make me a car.


I told Julie that if Arthur said one flipping word to Kayla on Sunday about his 'family history' I would go nuts. I mean, seriously - I wouldn't let the kids go with Julie anymore. If I can't trust her to keep them physically AND mentally safe - then so be it. (Oh because Arthur is at Julie's house all the time now, apparently.)


Then I told Julie that - if Arthur was so 'worried' - he should do the 'fatherly thing' for once in his life. Go out and get - yet another - paternity test. Go ahead and prove that he IS her father. Because - ya know what? IF he is indeed her father, there are lots of 'family history' type questions she NEEDS answered. But, he doesn't want to do that. Ya know why? Because 1) he knows he's really not her father and he'd rather just say it and believe what he's saying than have yet another test to prove it wrong and 2) he can't afford the test anyways because he's a slacker who mooches off people - no job, no money. But - hey -- if I'm wrong, I'm wrong -- go on and do it! Because the one person who would totally and completely benefit from the information is Kayla. And the only person he hurts with his constant lies is the same. So - just do it.


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The other reason I haven't blogged this week. -- sigh --


I've seemed to have lost my faith.


My job is to go part-time in January 2009. At the very best I'm looking at staying at the same job with a much longer commute to work (40 minutes vs 1.5 miles I currently drive one way) and less hours and a lot less money. I am the only one with a 'dependable' paycheck... Chris owns his own business and it's up and down much of the time. Simply put -- we can not pay the bills and live in our home on what I'd make when they cut me to part time.


Which leaves me looking for other work. Have you read the newspapers? Yeah... everyone else is looking for work as well. It's a HORRIBLE time to be looking for a job.


I'm terrified.

I'm upset.

I'm...... scared.


I used to have faith that God would have a purpose for this change. A reason. He led me to this job, He would have a reason for sending me somewhere else. That there would be something wonderful... and I couldn't wait to see what it was. But - now - I can't pick up a paper or open CNN or any news vendor site without seeing it plastered everywhere. Everyone is looking for jobs and nobody can find work. What little jobs there are are not paying well.


Then you talk to people who think they are helping by telling you that they know how you feel because they know so many people who are just like you. A friend of theirs has been trying to find a job for 6 months now and still can't find anything. A manager passing out her Resume on Waters and Dale Mabry. It doesn't really help -- I know all this already and it just makes me MORE afraid.

But, ya know... I wonder really if it's that I've lost my faith or that I'm afraid to rely on my faith.

I went to chorus rehearsal last night and passed my final part of the audition process. The only thing I have left to do is pay money to become a member. $40 a month, plus pay my international and regional dues... at a time like THIS? Really??

But then ~ deep inside ~ I feel this voice that tells me to have faith. FAITH?! Faith that things really will be okay.

But if I DO have faith that things will be okay - and I fall flat on my face and come Jan 2009 I either have a job that pays HALF of what I make now and we have the electricity and water shut off in Feb of 09 and begin to lose everything shortly thereafter.... am I just a person who relied on faith too much?

Or am I afraid of being a faithful person?

I don't know. I just know I want to go to sleep and wake up in a few months. After the elections - when the economy is beginning to right itself - when I know something more about my job.

But it's now dinner time and I've got to start dinner. I don't even have time to go fishing for a quote or something profound.

Please pray for me. Pray for me to find my faith. To not be afraid.