Day After Christmas

Well, it's the day after Christmas. I am so glad that it's finally over, and yet kind of wish it wasn't at the same time. Odd, eh?

Christmas Eve was awesome. It was Sunday and our Church had a TON of things going on. We were supposed to sing in Choir for the 9 and 10:45 services, but I got sick after singing at the 9 AM service, so I ended up going home. It's really too bad because I heard the sermon I missed was awesome and that TWENTY people gave their lives over to God at that one service. WOW! But I was home resting up as Chris and I were to sing on the praise team at the 5 and 7 PM service. Can't be sick for that! It is just amazing to see that many people come out to worship on Christmas.

The kids had a very good Christmas. Each one received at least one thing that they for sure wanted. Julie came over at the crack of dawn on Christmas morning and.... the day with Julie went pretty well. She did not bring her own dinner, she ate what we all ate. She only did one thing that seemed very odd to me - but other than that she did just fine. What was that one odd thing? Well, she had a ton of gifts for her kids - individually wrapping small tubes of lipstick and such so the gift-opening took well over an hour. (You know me... everyone open one at a time, and give me the paper immediately so that the room stays nice and tidy throughout!) All of this was fine, but smack-dab in the middle of the gift opening, Julie whips out this one gift for all three of her kids. She says "this one is from your Daddy". The kids open it and it's a plaque that the kids gave to Ron on Father's Day 11 years ago. It had "World's Best Daddy" engraved with a photo of Ron and the three kids and Ron. Sharing the plaque with all of them is fine with me... but wrapping it up and giving it back to them as a gift from their daddy... well... it was just weird. And we are talking right in the middle of everything, between opening lip-gloss and t-shirts. Of course all the kids just started crying and crying... and Chris, Jonathan and I are just sitting there - not sure what the hell to say. How do you say, "Okay, who's next?" after that? Honestly folks, I truly believe that Julie - for some reason - enjoys seeing her kids cry. I know that sounds not so nice, but I have come to believe it to be true.

One other thing Julie did that was not very nice but not wrong really. Remember when I told you that Gwen (the kids Grandma) bought Kayte and Justin Christmas presents? Well, Julie was terribly afraid of being 'out-done' and there was this one time that Justin opened up a pair of sneakers that Gwen bought for him. They were exactly what Justin wanted and he was SOOOOOOO happy. He expressed his happiness, and Julie said "Oh yeah, well Gwen, I can't have Gwen beat me" and she whipped out from beside the chair another box which she gave to Justin. It was another pair of shoes... some Air Jordan or something (I dunno, I buy my shoes from Payless, I don't know what the kids today are wearing). Justin was overjoyed when he opened the box... and Julie said "Gwen's shoes may have cost $90 but mine were $110!! HA!!!!" - or something to that effect. It just............... robbed Gwen in my opinion.

Okay, as I continue to think back on the day, I think of more things that were odd. We are all standing around the table about to say the blessing over our meal. Someone mentions Christmas being about the birth of Jesus which we are here to celebrate, and Julie turns to me and says "I thought you said nobody celebrates birthdays for dead people". I just looked at her, I said something about him being GOD who actually rose from the dead, and then I just left it alone. Boy, I guess she really wanted that birthday party for Ron. Although, she never did bring over the movie for the kids to watch. I think I'll take them to his Grave later this week though since I'm off work and have the time. (Assuming the transmission doesn't totally go out in the Durango and will make the trip to Brandon, but that's a WHOLE other story!)

Anyways, other than these few things everything really went fine. Julie went home about 9pm and the house got back to normal.

Amanda and Gene came up, that was GREAT seeing my little Amanda again. Of course she quickly pointed out that Jonathan was now as tall as (if not slightly taller than) me. GRRRRR We got to sing our Christmas song which we do as a quartet. Good times there. :o)

Evie (Chris's mom) came up, but Jimmie was sick so couldn't come. I really hope he's okay - Evie hasn't called today and I'm afraid to call.... He had all those heart problems a few months back and I just pray that everything is okay. I figured no news means he must be okay because if he were not, surely we would have heard.

Katie, Tony and their Daughter Tatiana came over as well. Tony is terribly allergic to cats and usually swells up when he visits us. (I have two WONDERFUL cats). He's been over before and I've just put the cats away, but he still has terrible allergies. So... Chris and I worked all day Christmas Eve and part of the day on Christmas trying to clean the house well enough for him. Having no carpets downstairs (only hard wood and tile floor), I knew it was possible to remove much of the cat dander that we had. We steam-cleaned the stairs and the sofas and mopped all floors several times. I even went around and did all the walls and base boards and... well... anything I could think of. And, it payed off as Tony had no allergic reaction at all. Well... once when Amanda went upstairs and got one of the cats from my bedroom and walked by him - but we all told her why the cats were upstairs in a room and she quickly brought him back.

Chris tried to go and pick up his Dad from the home, but he didn't want to come out (and the weather was horrible). It seems Doug is forgetting more and more lately. He remember that someone is living in his home up in Tennessee but he doesn't remember who or why. He also fell at the home last night and didn't remember how he fell or what he was doing. He wasn't hurt so badly that they had to take him anywhere, so that's good. But it's hard to see him mentally and physically going downhill.

I'd really like to take a moment to thank every person who helped us in some way/shape/form this Christmas: our family at VanDyke Church, Mom, Katie, Gwen, Evie, Jimmie, James and Jeanie. Thanks for being the spirit of Christmas.

That being said, I truly realize how very blessed we are. God continues to find ways to provide for us time and time again. People that we don't even really know rally to hold us up on a daily basis. I sit here staring at the screen trying to find a way to put into words what is in my heart... and it's just not coming out tonight. Sigh...........

I guess I'll just leave you with this today. Since I'm off work this week, I hope to have more time to blog about things going on here with us. Thanks for all your prayers and support.

"In life you can never be too kind or too fair; everyone you meet is carrying a heavy load. When you go through your day expressing kindness and courtesy to all you meet, you leave behind a feeling of warmth and good cheer, and you help alleviate the burdens everyone is struggling with." -- Brian Tracy

The Court Hearing

I had a HORRIBLE day at court today. Just horrible.

We arrived and had to wait in a room with about 50 other people waiting to be called. People there were Dottie (the Guardian), Nick (DCF supervisor guy with Hillsborough Kids), Julie and myself. While waiting Julie began her talk.... she talked and talked... and lied and lied.

She looked good. Had her nails done, hair professionally done, wore a skirt and blouse, had all of her paperwork in order. And then she began to spin her web of lies.

First thing she did was show me a letter that Kayla had written to her. In the letter Kayla said she missed her mom, loved her very much and really wanted to come home because she "hates it here". Julie, no less than 4 times, said something about that one line... how much Kayla hated it living with me. Well, first of all I don't believe that's true. I think that Kayla is disciplined WAY WAY WAY more here than she would be at home. Surely no kid likes that. And I told Julie that -- I'm not here to be Kayla's friend, I'm here to keep her safe and teach her things. But the more Julie talked about it (she of course brought copies of that letter for everyone there) the more upset it made me. It upset me even more that Julie made copies of this and showed everyone how much Kayla obviously hated being with me. I felt sick, went to the bathroom and began to throw up.

I went back to the room where Julie was because I didn't want anyone to think I was not okay. I pasted on my smile and pretended like I was fine. Then Julie started talking about her Diabetes and about how it was 100% not at all related to her mental condition. She said that her diabetes had been out of control but was much better now, that she had everything under control. Plus, since diabetes was a physical condition she really had no control over it anyways. Nick asked her what she was eating and she responded that she was eating whatever she wanted. He said "surely they gave you a diet to follow"... Julie said that NO they did not give her a diet or talk to her about what she ate. They just said anytime you eat, take this insulin shot and you'll be fine. I knew she was lying, and I listened to it and my stomach began to get tighter and tighter and I could feel myself getting upset. I walked away.... but felt sick. I went to the bathroom and threw up again from being so upset.

I stayed away a while this time trying to calm down. Julie is still in the other room telling the folks there how wonderful she is doing and how she's now perfect. I went back to stand by them only to hear Julie talking about her doctors visits and ER visits. Julie told them that she had only been to the Emergency Room three times. I laughed out loud, looked at her and said 'you are kidding, right?' She said no, and I have documentation here to show I've only been three times. I said, Julie you've been WAY more than that, you went the day before and the day after Thanksgiving, God only knows how many times between then and last week, and then to the ER from when you were admitted this last time and stayed a week. THREE TIMES? Are you kidding me. Again, Julie is calm and collected and tells me that - yes only three times.

I was FURIOUS that she was sitting here lying. I lost my cool and started yelling at her. I asked her "How dumb do all of us look? You expect us to believe all of this? You know they told you what to eat and what not to eat, you know you've been to the ER way more than three times, why are you lying?" Again, I'm yelling at her. I finally realize I'm in a room of 50 people and I just walked away. I sat in a corner and cried by myself... waiting to be called.

Dottie and Nick stayed with Julie and continued to talk to her. Later they came to talk to me. Nick and Dottie both realized that Julie had been lying and that she truly had no rational thinking as she was talking. Nick said something about every person with Diabetes that goes to the doctor gets a diet of some kind to follow. No doctor would tell her to just eat whatever she wanted and just take shots to bring her Diabetes back to normal. They knew she was lying and they just couldn't prove anything. At that point Nick told me that at the next staffing they were going to recommend permanent guardianship. (Meaning things would be like they are now only Julie would get a set amount of time each week or month and we wouldn't be going through the courts anymore.) He said that he honestl didn't believe that Julie could ever be well enough for a long enough period of time to warrant the continued staffing on the case. (Mind you, all of this red tape and every employee paid to be on the case is paid for by you and I....) Furthermore, Julie's attorney being paid for is up today as it's been a year... they don't pay attorney's to stay on the case longer than that. Anyways... they talk about all of this and I apologize for losing my cool in the other room.

We are called into court. The person who was supposed to prepare the letter saying why I should not get relative caregiver funds didn't do the report... which means - we wasted all this time - nothing happened. Then Julie's attorney speaks up and says that Julie wants unsupervised visits. The Judge is mad because 'this meeting wasn't for that' (I knew they were going to ask regardless) The judge refuses to approve unsupervised visits. Then he asks if the judge will approve an overnight stay on Christmas Eve at my house. The judge looked at me and asked me if I wanted that... and I said no. I explained that every moment was spent supervising Julie and that I did not want to do it all night Christmas Eve AND all day Christmas day. So... he said no visit on Christmas Eve.

He made another court date for 1/23/07 in which they will discuss relative caregiver funds and possible unsupervised visits. Great.

At this point, my stomach hurts from vomiting so much. I know I have to go home and talk to Kayla about the letter she wrote. I know I am FURIOUS with Julie, and I fully realize that she was doing her best to manipulate all of us. I had to stop one more time on the way home to get sick before pulling up in the driveway.

Sigh....

I walk in, and the first thing I do is talk to Kayla. I told her how I felt. Told her if she didn't like it here with me then REQUEST TO MOVE, but don't sit there and write letters about how much she 'hates it'. (She first denied writing the letter - of course). She said that she couldn't believe that her mom would show that letter to everyone there. I said "Kayla, you are going to be 16 next month. Surely you HAVE to know that your mom is not mentally right. Come on!" Just unbelievable to me. Worse still is that I know Kayla does NOT hate it here. And I just don't know how to feel about all of that.

I should point out that we have 3 extra people in the house. Sean who is a friend of Justin and Jonathan who spent the night, Suzi who is a friend of Kayla and Kayte's who spent the night and Drew who Jonathan is babysitting during the day over the Christmas break. That's 7 kids in my house at least.

Then I realize that Kayte is not in the house. I begin to ask where she is. She walks in and I ask her where she went. She had gone to the PARK with two guys... ALONE. Never asked permission.... just went. I was FURIOUS. She says... it's okay because she knows them. I explain all the reasons it's NOT okay. PLUS I don't like one of the guys one single bit. His name is Chris and he HAS a girlfriend, buy Kayte wants to go out with him. I talked to him on the phone last night and he asked me if he could take Kayte to the movies tonight. I said "Did you break up with your GIRLFRIEND yet?" He said "No" and I said absolutely not. It irks me terribly that Kayte is getting involved with him like this. I do not want her to be one of those girls who goes after other girls boyfriends, ya know? So.... He and some other guy are the ones she went to the park with. I am 100% certain that she didn't ask me because she KNEW what I was going to say. Go to the park, yes with your brother or sister, NO by yourself. She knew, and she chose to go and not ask.

When I talk to her about it she begins to cry and in her little whiny girl voice tells me how much she does around the house that nobody appreciates. I tell her that we ALL do stuff around the house and that this is SO not what this is about. I told her that I had been getting a vibe from her lately.... a deceitful and lying kind of vibe and I didn't like it one bit. She claims no deceit at all. Again I explain why she can't go to the park with two young men alone, and she just doesn't GET IT. No... maybe she just didn't care. I do however fully realize that I am an emotional WRECK right now and that I shouldn't be talking to her any more. So, I leave it for later.

And here I sit... sobbing.... trying to type in my blog...... trying to convince myself that these kids and Julie DO totally realize what all I'm doing for them. (here come the tears.........)

Yet.................. today it doesn't feel that way. I'm not depressed. Not sad. Not scared. I'm just.................. I don't know how to describe it. Feel like I'm being used. Used by Julie. Used by the kids. Used by the system. Appreciated by others, but not by any of them.

AAAARRRRGGGHHHH... and Julie has now called my house at LEAST 5 times since court. I hate it when she calls this much. This last time she said that she didn't like HAM that we were going to have for Christmas dinner and she was going to make some pot roast and bring it over for herself so she could eat something she liked. How can you INVITE yourself over for Christmas, stay all fricking day long, tell me you don't like what I AM GOING TO SERVE YOU FOR DINNER.... and say you'll bring food that you like. She's flipping 350 lbs for goodness sake... she's not going to starve eating what I'm making on this one fricking day.

Okay Tina.... breathe in.......... breathe out........... it's not about Julie. Not about the kids. Not about gifts. Not about food. It's about Jesus Christ and his birth, which led to his death, which led to eternal life.

Breathe in.............. breathe out................

I have an awesome story to post about in a little bit about a friend from high school - James. But I'm in this HORRIBLE funk right now and I still need to go grocery shopping and stocking stuffer shopping. And get OUT of this frame of mind.

The kids keep coming in here to check on .............. OMG Julie just called AGAIN........ the kids keep checking on me. They know I'm upset. And Kayla's boyfriend is now here (as is those two guy friends of Kayte's - outside waiting to talk to me)...... which brings the teen total in my house to TEN. Ten.

I've got to run................... please keep me in your prayers.

My Hero

I’ve had a migraine headache all morning, so I apologize in advance if this blog today is scattered.

Justin had his first therapy appointment on Tuesday night with Dr. Vergeese (who is also Julie’s therapist). It went…. okay. There were a few things that came up that I can talk about here. One being that the doctor asked Justin if he could think of any lessons that his mom taught him that were right or wrong. Honest to goodness, Justin could not think of one single lesson. In discussion we realized that I parent differently than Julie; that I teach him things – such as what is right and what is wrong – and Julie just… didn’t. I try to tell Justin what he should do and why, what he shouldn’t do and why, and talk to him about his future and what he needs to do to make what he wants in life come true. Julie on the other hand is a friend more than a mother. The therapist then reminded Justin that sometimes his mom was teaching him without actually talking to him, and then he used the pot experience… he asked Justin how his mom reacted to the fact that Justin was using pot. Justin responded that his mom really didn’t care. The doctor asked Justin what kind of ‘lesson’ that was teaching him. Justin was just quiet about the whole thing. I’m sure he ‘got it’, he was just embarrassed. The doctor also asked Justin how he would feel if he lived with us forever, and Justin said that he would be fine with that… that he knew his mom needed a lot of help. He hoped to go home to her some day, but if it wasn’t possible he would be okay.

We had a big meal on Tuesday night… it was Kayla’s boyfriend’s birthday. His parents don’t do much to celebrate, so we cooked him dinner, had the house decorated and had a cake for him. (Chris did all of this while I was at the doctors with Justin – what a guy!) We had 8 people total for dinner…. It was Taco night at the Rhocchini house. We cooked… get ready for this…. 5 lbs of ground beef, went through 30 taco shells, 10 soft taco shells, 3 boxes of rice and a big can of refried beans. PLUS an entire cake. Good LORDY these kids can EAT! In a way I kind of hate nights like that… when we plan one dinner and actually go shopping for just that meal, because then you know just how much that one meal costs. We spent $85 at the grocery store for that ONE meal. You simply can’t imagine how much food these tiny little kids go through. They are on Christmas break and I noticed when I got home at lunch today that we were completely out of food. Milk, bread, cereal, pizzas, crackers, peanut butter, Jelly, sandwich meat, kool-aid… all gone. Sigh………

Speaking of eating… let me tell you a story about Justin and his eating. I know I talk about his poor eating habits often, but it’s just so amazingly horrible and I’m at the end of my rope trying to figure out ways to TEACH him some manners. He had cake along with everyone else in the house. He ate it as if he hadn’t eaten in 5 days – just shoveling it in as fast as he possibly could – grunting and slurping with every bite. Just NASTY. When he was done, Chris and I were both sitting there looking at him, slack-jawed, not believing what we just witnessed. Mind you – they had just eating TONS of dinner! We talked to him about how he just ate, and he didn’t ‘get it’. We told him to look at his plate, top of it COMPLETELY covered in icing and leftover cake – we’re talking every inch of the plate. He didn’t see any big deal. Then we ask him to look at the BOTTOM of the plate… yes folks, he had cake and icing all over the BOTTOM of his plate. Not just a little…. A LOT. How does that happen?? I watched it and I couldn’t even tell you – it was just pure panic-stricken fast-and-furious eating. Unreal!

I think I’m going to have him start eating like this… take ONE bite, put down the fork, chew, swallow, then pick the fork up again and repeat. We’ll see how that works.

Julie just called and she and I had more ‘discussions’. Arguments is more like it. She is talking about coming over on Christmas Eve again. This time she called the KIDS and got their “permission” on what she wanted to do Christmas Eve. She wants to come over, have cake to celebrate Ron’s birthday and watch a video that has their Dad on it. Now, the video I’m fine with, the cake/party I am NOT okay with. I talked to the therapists and was told that having a birthday party for a dead person is NOT okay. Funny… my phone here at work recorded that entire message as if it were a voice mail… let me tell you parts of the conversation:

Julie: They want me to bring the video of their dad on Christmas Eve. I asked each one of them. We’ll have a little cake and put “Happy Birthday Daddy” on it and let them watch a video of their father. The kids were worried you were going to say “but it’ll make them cry!” But I told them “do YOU want to see it because it’s YOUR decision” and each one said “yes”.
Tina: The problem is that I’ve talked to the kid’s therapist said that having a birthday party for their dead father was a bad idea.
Julie: Okay, whatever, they want to see
the video. We are going to see the video.
Tina: Good
Julie: If you don’t want a cake for Ron that’s fine but we have always gotten him a cake
Tina: But Julie, the therapist thinks it’s morbid.
Julie: Morbid? To have a cake for….
Tina: Their dead father… yes!
Julie: That’s not morbid.
Tina: Well, what do you want me to say… their therapist say it’s not good for them.
Julie: People always celebrate…
Tina: … Birthdays of dead people? No they do not.
Julie: Morbid?
Tina: Yeah.
Julie: People always celebrate the….
Tina: … Birthdays of dead people? No Julie they do not
Julie: Okay whatever.

Sheesh! She’s ticked. The fact that she took all that time to ‘clear everything’ with the kids before she even TALKED to me…. Now my blood is BOILING. Grrrrr Oh my GOD... to make matters worse, after I told her no, she called Ron's parents to get their approval. Now who looks like the bad guy?? I DO! But now... if I allow this morbid birthday party to happen, it's against the wishes of all three kids therapists - so I'm in a LOSE - LOSE situation. OMG... I HATE THIS!

Since I’m not feeling all that well today – I think I’ll just tell you a story rather than talk about how upset and terrified I am about tomorrow’s court hearing or continuing to VENT over Julie's behavior. I’ve got a feel-good story about my husband. We’ll call him “The Hero” and I’ll tell you why….

It was about 15 years ago, and this story is from memory, so I apologize to Chris if I get any of the details wrong. Chris had just gotten out of training to work for the Department of Corrections (DOC) and he was now employed at a State Prison somewhere in South St. Petersburg. Because he was new, he had to work the crappy shifts. He was getting off work – it was about 1 AM and he was headed up the Interstate to get home.

He was traveling through the ‘rough’ section of town. South St. Pete at that time was racially hot and tempers often flared between blacks and whites at that time. Chris has always paid attention to his surroundings but did it even more-so after his training with DOC. He noticed a car ahead of him, pretty far away as he could just see the tail lights. Another car raced around Chris’s at a high rate of speed, but slowed as it was passing the car way ahead of him. Chris noticed a flash in the fast car… and thought that perhaps the guy had lit a cigarette and the flash was from his lighter. Chris then noticed the other car pull off onto the shoulder of the road.

A black male got out of the car and proceeded to try to flag Chris down. Chris is in his DOC uniform, and he’s white – really white – in this section of town – at this time of night. Should he stop?? What could the man possibly want?? Back then everyone didn’t have cell phones, so he couldn’t have wanted that. Chris – for some reason – decided to stop.

The man told Chris that the guy passing them in the other car SHOT into his car for no reason, and the bullet pierced through the back seat and into the side of his neice. Chris examined the girl and could not find an exit wound, but she was badly bleeding. He checked for a pulse and she was still okay. Bleeding badly, but okay.

Again, nobody back then had cell phones so calling for help was out of the question. The roads were barren as it was so late at night and they were on a highway so walking to get help was out of the question. The grandmother was in the back seat hysterically screaming for help. Chris put her to work, asked her to get a pillow case, put it over the gunshot wound, and then HUG her as tightly as she could.

Chris grabbed the little girl and put her into his truck along with her Uncle and grandmother. They rushed to the hospital, breaking every speed limit and safe driving laws as they went.

The girl ended up being okay, thanks to Chris. Without question, he saved her life. When Chris was at the hospital, he gave the police a full description of the man, the car and anything else he could remember. Because he had just gotten out of training he had the memory and details of a cop, so the police were able to catch the guy. They actually found him in his car, under an overpass on the interstate, RELOADING his gun to go hit more cars. So… who really knows how many lives Chris could have saved that night!

He was later awarded a heroism award from the State of Florida for “Heroism Above and Beyond The Call Of Duty”

Yep… my man… my hero!

God's Fingerprints

I’m feeling a little better today – thanks to all of you who have asked or who have said a little prayer for us.

The Church came through once again for us. This time they bought the kids some Christmas presents and even gave us a little cash which we can use to help with Christmas dinner and some stocking stuffers. It AMAZES me so much how much prayer helps… and this church – what an amazing group of people. Just yesterday I was blogging about my worries on all of this – and God answered in his own amazing way.

Last night I found myself watching a little bit of the movie “Field of Dreams”. For those of you who may not have seen it, it’s about this guy with a family and a farm. A voice in his corn field tells him to build a baseball park in the middle of his corn field. He does it and these angel baseball players come to play in the field. If you have faith, you can see them playing. Long story short, everyone thought the guy was nuts for taking up good farm land for this, but he ends up drawing crowds as everyone wants to see the game.

I found myself thinking of how much my life is often times just like that. I have been following what God has led me to do now for the past year. Sure sometimes it feels NUTS, like I’m going to lose control or lose everything. I sometimes feel nuts for taking on these three kids and having the State of Florida watching my every move and giving me tons of rules in the process. Surely my life would have been much more ‘normal’ were it just Chris, Jonathan and myself at home. Remember when I used to go out to eat when I wanted… went to see new movies… went to the bar on weekends to hang out with my hubby… went shopping for new clothes… ah yes… remember the days! But I do truly believe that what I am doing is the right thing to do. Things happen that may seem like they are going to be road blocks, but God just finds a way to make things happen. I’m sure it’s amazing to watch for those of you reading the blog and taking the journey with me, but trust me when I tell you its even more amazing riding the journey on my end.

I think back to my life 2 years ago… angry with God, mainly for taking away my brother-in-law at such a young age and leaving my mentally ill sister alone to care for their three kids. How selfish and self-centered I was then. Flash forward to a year ago, with at one point 8 of us living at home. I didn’t simply allow God into my life a year ago, he came busting into my life in a big way. He took over and I let him… and ever since then I’ve been jaw-dropping amazed at what I see Him doing in our lives.

I am much more of a happier person now. Even with the chaos that goes on day-to-day, I’m so happy because I know that I am blessed. I know that God’s fingerprints are ALL OVER my life, in every day things that we do.

Panic Attack

I’ve been having a full blown panic attack since I got up this morning… it’s now almost lunch time. Heart racing, almost beating out of my chest… sweating… light headed… my mind racing. Blogging when I am in this frame of mind is a love/hate kind of thing. Hate it because I hate everyone and their mother knowing that I’m not in a good frame of mind not to mention I feel like a big fat crybaby…. Love it because blogging tends to make me feel better.

There isn’t really one thing that is upsetting me; it’s a couple of things. Money is a big issue/concern right now. Being penniless the week before Christmas is NOT fun. There are so many expectations of the season that require money, all seemingly fun – unless you have no money. From simple things such as a small gift exchange with the youth ministry at Church to buying Christmas dinner items for everyone coming over on Christmas day. What do you do when you simply don’t have it? Ask me that next week and I’ll let you know how I manage to get through it.

I haven’t gotten a Christmas bonus at work, which I did get last year. Companies should not do that… if you are going to give a bonus 2 weeks before Christmas… make sure you do it every single year and around the same time. Some of us count on it for the extra cushion we need this time of year. Sigh….

I’m also feeling somewhat guilty about going to see a movie last night. The High School kids from Church were all going to see The Nativity, which I have wanted the whole family to see. It’s been very important to me that the family realize that gifts and such are not the reason for the season, Jesus is. Seeing this movie I had hoped would bring a little more certainty to that frame of mind. Well… Chris drove the Church bus and took the High Schoolers up there… I met him with the middle schoolers… but the movie was sold out when we all arrived there. But, we were already there, already had movie passes purchased, so went to see another movie, Eragon. Being that money is so tight right now (understatement), it just felt like I wasted it. We’ve seen one movie since the kids moved in a year ago, so it’s not like we splurge all the time. Yet still… it weighs on my conscience….

Chris and I were talking this weekend about all the things that need to be done in the house and how it seems impossible to do anything. The house needs to be painted, inside and out. Yard looks awful, needs weeding and mulch. The kitchen cabinets need work as they are falling apart. We’ve had termites now for a year and they need to be dealt with. The back porch needs screens replaced. Several of the windows in the house need screens so that we can open the windows on nice days and let the air in. There were a lot more things on the list… I just can’t remember them all. All need to be done, and all need what? That’s right… time and money. (Heart continues to race)

Julie called the house last night and she and I had an argument. She actually hung up on me she was so upset. She called to talk about Christmas Eve, spending the night. I told her I was not really comfortable with that. I explained how I had to watch her the whole time and that it wasn’t fair to ME… that I had no time for me. She said that it would be a non-issue after the hearing on Friday in which she was going to get unsupervised visits. SIGH…. I told her not to be too sure that she would get unsupervised visits on Friday. She asked what I meant… and I told her that I wasn’t sure that DCF and the Guardian Ad Litem was going to recommend it at this time. And that for sure I had concerns. I explained that she had been very – sick – as of late, with her blood sugar being out of control to the point of requiring her being transported to the ER by Ambulance frequently and now that she was on Pain pills… that I just didn’t think it was going to happen this Friday. She was PISSED. Pissed to the point where she hung up on me. And to be clear about what about that upsets me… it’s not that Julie is angry… it’s that we’ve had a good balance between us. I’ve been able to express how I feel to her without her being angry with me. If that balance goes away… she gets mad at me, then her kids get angry with me because they think they have to ‘choose sides’… that is when it would be uncomfortable. I pray that doesn’t happen.

Then I think about what would happen if Julie didn’t come over at all on Christmas. That would be horrible… in a way. She has ALL the gifts for the kids – I’ve not bought Kayla Justin or Kayte one single gift. I do plan on going to the dollar store and getting stocking suffers, but I have only been able to buy ONE gift this year, and it was for Jonathan. I didn’t even get anything for my husband, mother, sisters, mother and father in law – nobody. And that weighs heavily on my conscious as well.

It’s easy to think there are other things you could do other than spend money on a gift for Christmas… but that is really hard. For my mom’s birthday last month she was going to come up and I was going to cook her dinner. I haven’t even had a night that we could get together for that… it’s been insanely busy. And this week Justin’s therapy starts, which is going to add another night out to our weekly schedule. I’ve tried to think of something clever… but my brain must be mush most of the time because I can’t think of anything. It would be one thing if I were talking about friends and co-workers that I was concerned about… but these are the people who have been with me through everything, loving me, supporting me, helping me in ways I never thought possible. Chris, Mom, Evie, Katie, Jimmie… how could I not get them something for Christmas? And yet… how COULD I get them something when it’s just not there. (Heart continues to race)

This is my frame of mind today. In the past I have tried to control everything. This isn’t what is going on here. I don’t want control… I don’t know what I want. Come to think of it, I don’t think there IS anything I want. Panic attacks are just that… attacks of panic. No logic to them at all. I know God is in control. I have faith. I’m trying so hard to do what God wants of me. Yet, still having a panic attack.

Please pray for us. Pray for me. Pray for Julie. Pray for my family, immediate and extended.

There's Nuts In the Fudge!

Just wanted to give a quick update. Julie is still in the hospital. Today she was so doped up on Morphine AND Percocet that I could barely understand her. She begged me to please bring the kids to the hospital to see her this weekend, but I do NOT want the kids seeing her in this condition.

Okay - all of ya'll are going to fall over laughing at this newest development. Julie has belonged to this bi-polar chat room for quite some time. You have to try to understand that she isn't on this chat room only when she has a problem - she's on it HOURS a day, and at times for days. If she is manic she has many times been up all night and all day long because she was 'chatting with her friends'. These people know Julie VERY well. Remember months back the one chat room friend flew her to Los Angeles to be at her wedding? Yeah... they know here THAT well.

So... set your mind on the picture: Julie in this chat room with all of her friends. These friends all have her same mental illnesses... some worse, some better. All crazy by my standards. Well, let me explain that last statement. I don't think that anyone who is bi-polar is crazy. I believe mental illness are true illnesses. But these people in particular have been there with Julie, supporting her throughout her gang and drug addicted history. I have been in her chat room and these people are a unique click of people all very much like Julie. They live in some other plane of reality that I just can't understand. This is what makes them crazy in my book.

So... Julie tells them recently that she is going to be in the hospital for a while, and since she doesn't have custody of the kids, she'd really love it if these 'friends' would send cards and stuff to their house. Yes MY house. She gave my physical address to mentally unstable people in a world-wide chat room. HELLO!

So... today a package arrives. It's fudge from some lady from New Hampshire. One of Julie's friends. Do I give it to the kids? What if she's nuts and she laced it with something? The funny thing is that I called my sister Katie and asked her and she said, "it's probably fine - give it to them" -- and I said, "so - you'd give it to your daughter?" She said... yeah, maybe you should just throw it away. Too funny.

Then in talking to my daughter Amanda she could care less about the food, she was FURIOUS that Julie gave out my home address to mentally ill people all over the world. She said "what if she loses the case for her kids and shares her despair with them, and one of them decides you're better off dead?" Hmmm... good point!

I really can't talk to Julie about it now - it would be pointless. But I think I will bring it up to her sometime when she is non-drugged and can understand what I'm saying. Regardless she'll think I'm being silly - but I don't care - she needs to know how I feel about it and that I do not want her to do that EVER again.

So... I've prepared my letter which I hope to submit to the court next Friday should Julie and her attorney ask for unsupervised visits:

I am writing concerning the request for unsupervised visits that I assume Julie will be asking for at today’s court hearing. I do not believe unsupervised visits should happen at this time. Julie has demonstrated time and time again that she has no control over herself and her actions, and the thought of entrusting her with the three children frightens me. Julie continues to show very little reasoning skills. In addition, and of even more concern to me, Julie continually shows that she does not understand or does not care about the consequences of her actions.

It was the end of September when Julie offered the kids alcohol while under my supervision at my house. Since that time she has spiraled out of control with her health and mental well-being. As of the time I am writing this letter, Julie has
seen a physician of some sort (Doctor’s office, Hospital, Clinic, Emergency room visit or admission to the hospital) no less than eleven times in the past two weeks (which includes her hospital days.) During these visits (which were supposed to have been for only her high blood sugar) she asks for and received pain medications and nerve pills. Often times in talking to Julie, she is either sleeping all hours of the day or her speech is slurred as a result of medications she has taken.

Julie will tell you that all the medicine she has received was prescribed by doctors, so “it’s okay”. What you must keep in mind is that –she always had medication that was prescribed by her doctors. She just took as much as she needed to take for a
recreational high. Her theory was: if one is good, three or four is better. In addition, Julie would rather take medication such as Percocet or Morphine for a simple headache than an Advil or Tylenol. Julie tends to get addicted to medications with any kind of addictive features to them such as Percocet, Klonopin, Xanax, Fioricet. As her sister, I get very concerned when Julie begins taking medications such as these; in Julie’s adult life she has NEVER had these medications and not abused them.

Julie’s blood sugar is not out of her control, which is what she would like everyone to
believe. Julie eats whatever she wants to eat. While in the hospital for high blood sugar, she had a friend bring her in fast food. Just this past Sunday afternoon her blood sugar was over 400 and she stated that she was unable to get it to go down (she’d had 9 insulin shots). I asked her what she had eaten that day and she responded “the only thing I’ve had all day are M&M’s”. What rational person knows their blood sugar is over 400 and then grabs a bag of M&M’s to eat? She refuses to believe that her eating habits are contributing to her out of control Diabetes and has told family members on multiple occasions “I’m going to eat whatever I want to eat. I don’t care.” When she was finally put on Insulin, she saw it as permission to
eat whatever she wanted to eat because the insulin injection would then ‘fix’ her blood sugar. I often times wonder if this is another form of self-mutilation for Julie, or if she is attempting to kill herself in what would seem like a legitimate way. Without question, I am certain that her behavior with her health and Diabetes directly correlates with her Mental Illness.

Of utmost importance to me is that the kids not be alone with Julie while her blood sugar is out of control and/or while she is on these addictive medications. A person with a blood sugar of 300, 400 or 500 is a walking time-bomb and could slip into a diabetic coma at any time. Additionally they exhibit symptoms such as blurred vision, dizziness, and irrational behavior. God forbid she would be driving her kids to the movies and lose consciousness or slip into a diabetic coma.

In harmony,
Tina Rhodes

We'll see how that goes over. Mom said to try to keep it short - and you have NO idea how hard that was to do! I talked to Dottie (Guardian Ad Litem) today about everything and she kept saying 'put that in your letter' over and over again... but I knew I wanted and needed to keep it short and brief for the Judge. I'll get MUCH more detailed if we have a staffing and are in the similar situation.

The good news is that I feel okay. I'm stressed about a LOT of things right now, but don't feel like I'm losing my mind right now. I believe that it is thanks to the prayers of my family and friends... ya'll are just awesome. Thanks for always lending an ear and letting me vent through this blog.

Live simply
Love generously
Care deeply
Speak kindly
Leave the rest to God

Spitting In The Wind

Mom called this morning and noted that I sounded a bit 'out of sorts' - not like my usual 'Jolly' self (as the kids always call me). She's right. I've got to do something to get out of the frame of mind I am in, and I'm just not sure how to go about doing it.

To be totally honest, I'm mentally a wreck about two things... one being the court date next Friday (12/22) and the second being Julie's visit on Christmas. The court date I know there is just nothing I can do about... I just have to pray hard, go and make the best of it.

But Christmas day with Julie... well.... I'm upset that I'm so upset about it - if that makes any sense at all.

At Julie's last visit with us, she demanded that the kids (hers AND mine) open NO presents what-so-ever until she showed up on Christmas morning. Well.... those of you who know Julie know that she very well could wake up at 3 o'clock in the afternoon! Besides... who the heck does she think she is telling us what to do in our house on our Christmas morning. But then the 'sister-mode' kicks in and I know where she is coming from -- she believes that this is totally HER Christmas. That for once in her life she has purchased gifts for her kids and has managed to keep them wrapped and not give all of them to the kids before Christmas. She's not going to be drugged or high for the first time in who knows how long. I know she's looking forward to it and I know why, so I try to ignore her demanding demeanor. The key word there is 'try'.

Then I think about the whole day.... me having to babysit Julie the whole time... be with her in every room that she goes into... making sure she doesn't say something totally stupid or not nice and try to coax her into the correct parental frame of mind whenever she does something that is totally wrong for a parent to do. It is mentally exhausting for me. And I've got a whole day of this to look forward to.

In addition to that, Julie is always extremely demanding while she's with us. Get me this. Get me that. Do this for me. Pluck my eyebrows. Rub my feet. Scratch my back. When is lunch? When is dinner? I'm hungry now. In addition, you really can't have a normal conversation when Julie is around as she... tends to make it all about herself. Not like other people though... it's kind of weird.... when a normal person wants to make a conversation all about herself, they will gently turn the conversation towards them. For example, you might be talking about how your grandmother used to love making pies for the holidays, and a person who wants to turn conversation to themselves might then say that they too love making pies for the holidays and then talk about that. But Julie doesn't turn it like that- she jerks you totally in a different direction. Given the same conversation about your grandmother making pies for the holidays... Julie might just look at you as if you just spoke German and she didn't understand and then talk about her car and how she had it tinted and the 'in memory of' her husband put on it. Completely out of the blue and totally different than what you were just talking about, and you just sit there, not knowing what else to say. Her mind is.... unfocused and very immature... and her conversations expose that greatly. And I have to be there to sit through all of it. Sigh......

Then there's her eating. When she's not asking about when the food is going to be ready, she'll be eating something. And - it's really gross to watch. And again, I have to be right there with her. Then of course I'll be worried about her blood sugar which will put me into 'parent mode' with her - and I just hate that!

Oh, and the best part... Julie has now decided that - since I didn't really like the idea of waiting for Julie to come over on Christmas morning to open all gifts... she's going to spend the night at our house on Christmas Eve. That means even MORE supervised time for me and snoring. The kind of snoring where nobody sleeps as you can hear it loudly all over the house. Last Christmas she did the same thing... slept upstairs in our bed and Chris and I slept downstairs as far away as possible, and the snoring kept us up all night. But even more of a concern than just that is the supervision issue.

Which then makes me think... if Julie gets unsupervised visits... does that mean I don't have to 'supervise' her for things like this anymore? And then if I don't... am I really going to be ABLE to let go?? What I mean is... Julie can say really wrong and extremely immature things to the kids... and - I'm still the person raising them for now.

Am I really going to be able to have Julie at my house talking to them any way she wants to and me saying nothing about it?? Can I do that?? I already know the answer to that is no. For example, Julie telling Kayla that I was being way too hard on her when she got caught with the cell phone. (Mind you, I hadn't given her ANY punishment what-so-ever yet. I was waiting to talk to her therapist to ask what kind of punishment she felt was best suited for Kayla.) And Julie's sitting there telling Kayla that her Auntie Tina is being way too hard on her and telling Kayla "not to worry about it, I'll talk to her and fix everything". Am I really supposed to just sit there and say nothing?? Or what if the unsupervised visits meant that she didn't have to ask me if it was okay to get her two daughters boxes of condoms for Christmas presents, wrapped and under the tree. Mind you the girls are 13 and 15. Would I have been expected to just sit there, watch little Kayte unwrap her boxes of condoms, and just smile quietly??? And what if she had actually given the girls wine coolers to drink at a visit that I didn't have to supervise. Do I just sit quietly and say nothing??

All of this is uncharted territory... and those of you who know me know I like to have a plan and that I like to know the 'rules' up front. So... I think about these things and it makes me nuts! Mom would say to me, just let it go, you've done all you can. Yet, I'm obligated to do certain things... I agreed to do these things when I took the kids. Not to mention the gazillion people I have to report to all the time. I can't fart sideways in front of the kids and somebody not know about it. How come Julie can go to the ER four times in 5 days and nobody knows what drugs she's taken?? And how on earth is that fair??

Of course, if I had a DCF worker whom I could speak to about these things, it might be easier. Karen had her flaws, but I could still talk to her about anything. Jay... well.... not at all. Speaking of Jay - he's coming over for a visit tonight. Maybe I should just plan on taking him outside, sit him down, and just talk about these things. But here is the funny thing about talking to Jay. He tends to trivialize up front in the conversation. When you first start talking to him about something, he says something to make it seem as if there's nothing anyone can do about it and so anything you planned on saying after that is -- I dunno -- less important. Or like spitting in the wind. YES! That's EXACTLY what it feels like talking to Jay.... spitting in the wind. LOL

You know I usually ask for prayers for the kids or for Julie... but this time.... I'm going to ask that you please keep ME in your thoughts and prayers. Pray for strength and wisdom. Pray that I stay sane the next couple of weeks. :o)

Whew - What a Week!

Has it really been almost a week since I last posted?? It was just that kind of a week, I'm telling ya - just C-R-A-Z-Y.

Last week was filled with what I now call "J.D." which is for "Julie Drama". Julie ate herself into either the doctors office or the emergency room many times last week. Her doctor finally put her on injectible insulin, which Julie actually TOLD me meant that she could now eat whatever she wanted to (as if she didn't do that already) and just adjust the amount of insulin she shot into herself accordingly. Well, that - of course - isn't working so well for her. Yesterday she gave herself (as of the last time I talked to her) 7 shots in one day and her blood sugar was still just under 500. A couple of days before that she told me her blood sugar was high and she didn't know why. It was mid-afternoon and so I asked her what she had eaten all day, and she told me "the only thing I've had today is M&M's". Just lovely Julie.... just lovely.

The more and more I think about Julie and what she is doing to herself, the more confident I am that the reason she is doing this is because of her mental health issues. What normal person with Diabetes would have a blood sugar level of over 400 and think about eating more M&M's?

Our next court date is next week and I am SUPER nervous about it. Mainly I'm nervous because I can't ever really communicate with Jay (the DCF guy). After leaving multiple messages last week, he called me back this morning. The only thing he really told me was that they were going to request her medical records from the hospitals where she had been treated. They will be looking into her treatment while there... was she treated just for the diabetes or did she get pain medications and/or other types of medications while there? I already know the answer to that, but they need to see it for themselves.

But the thing is this... Julie and her attorney are going to ask for unsupervised visits to begin, and I'm not really comfortable with that. Julie is NOT acting rationally right now about a lot of things, and can't event take care of herself; How will she take care of her three kids? Not to mention that a person with a blood sugar of over 300, nevermind 400 or 500, shouldn't be driving anyone around in a vehicle, the person could easily slip into a coma at any time. And - the really awful part is that I am unable to verbalize ANY of this at the court hearing. I just have to sit and be quiet... and allow everyone else in the room a chance to talk. It's just not fair! My only opportunity to speak is at a staffing; I would get to voice my opinion and they would note the records accordingly. But I'm now told they are NOT going to have before this court date... they will have one before her next court date in May or June (I forget when it's scheduled). It just makes me sick to think that our system works like this...

The other thing I was thinking about was this.... On my WORST day parenting, I am a far better role model and parent than Julie would ever be on her BEST day.

So, let me tell you quickly about our weekend. Chris and I had our church Christmas performance and it was really special. Chris and I got to sing a duet together... and it was really fun to do. I was terrified, as was Chris at times I'm sure... but we pulled it off and I think it went pretty well.

Also, on Sunday Julie and Katie (both of my sisters) came to watch us. It was pretty amazing to see both sisters there. Katie with her husband Tony and their beautiful daughter Tatiana (with Tatiana waving at us every time we got up there to sing out front - too cute!) Julie sat in the second row with her arms crossed and her face all 'angry' looking pretty much the whole time. I prayed the whole time she was there that God would speak to her... but I'll tell you, it was distracting as a performer to see her there like that. Then after the service, Julie talked to the woman who runs the Children's Minestry who has been AWESOME to us, taking care of our kids and making sure that they can do things other kids do, even if we don't have the money to do it. She walked up to Julie and told her what AWESOME kids Julie had... that they were a true blessing and just great/awesome kids to be around. Julie's response?? "Well, they ain't gonn be here much longer!" What a WITCH she was to say such a thing. It upset this woman so much that she came to talk to Chris about it later, trying to explain what Julie had said and - worse - HOW she had said it. I mean... how is it that she can't even go to a Church for one hour and behave herself?

Good news.... good news.... let me think. Oh... I have a really sad story to share with you.

Kayla is dating this young man, he goes by the name Pito. He's a very nice guy, and I really like him a lot. She's dated him before and he treats her with TREMENDOUS respect, and he is also very nice and respectful to us as well. I remember once when they first dated I took him home -- and he lives in the GHETTO. Public housing... and I'd have to say a very SCARY housing complex. In the front, on a wall at the entrance it's spray painted "good stuff around back". What kind of good stuff? Drugs I'm positive. I had forgotten that he lived like this. I went to pick him up the other day - he works down the street from us at a Burger King (about 3 miles away). Usually he walks to our house whenever he comes over to visit, but on Friday it was SO cold, I told him I'd pick him up. We had just come from picking out our Christmas Tree and were going to sit down to dinner then trim the tree. After picking him up, I asked him if he'd done his own tree yet at home. He said that they don't do Christmas trees at his house. I asked why not (thinking maybe it was a religous preference) and he reminded me of how poor they are. He said that they've just always been that poor - mom works but for very little money. They moved here from the Brooklyn and only made enough money to live in the projects. He hopes to go to college and be the first one in his family to get a real education. He went on to explain that his mom always bought him what she could... but that they didn't do any of the festivities - no tree or decoration, no christmas stocking, no 'Santa', nothing like that.

And all at once my heart wept for this young man. He was SUCH a good kid and he works so hard (in addition to going to high school full time). He's got a GREAT heart and he's so mature and respectful... you'd NEVER guess he lives the life he lives if you met him. Ever.

So... I'm thinking I want to do something special for Pito this year. I mean... here I am all worried about MY kids who might not get a 'lot' for Christmas... and here is this young man who NEVER has a Christmas. Never has a tree. Never experiences that joy....

I've decided to do what I can to help him. I'm going to make him a Christmas stocking and hopefully stuff it with some things. Anything I'm sure would be appreciated by him since it'll be his first stocking from Santa. Then I'm going to email the Church and see if he can be one of the kids that they 'help'. Even just a gift card or something.... I'm sure he'd be BLOWN away.

It's late and I've got to get home.

Please say a prayer for Julie, for her kids, and for Pito.

Very Quick Update

This has to be quick as I am off to work but wanted to quickly give you an update to yesterday's blog.

Julie went to the hospital with a blood sugar over 500 yesterday. I have spoken with the nurses and the doctors treating her and she has been admitted for testing. They think she possibly has had some heart attacks as a result of her blood sugar being so high for so long.

Julie is still refusing to eat well and refusing to understand the 'big picture' in her medical situation. The ER Nurse said that she was in the ER for Headaches, but they had to treat the blood sugar. Julie wasn't getting that the Headaches were symptoms of her blood sugar and if she treated THAT they would go away. The doctor told me that Julie was complaining of Anxiety and wanted meds for that, but that the anxiety was actually heart problems because of her weight/blood sugar - and again, treating the blood sugar would help her heart.

For hours yesterday as I talked to nurses and doctors, I wondered if Julie wasn't perhaps making her blood sugar high so that she could go into the emergency room where they would be required to treat her for her blood sugar and while she was there, she'd ask for other things to be treated (Ativan for anxiety, Pain meds for her headaches). At one point in my conversation with Julie she told me that they kept trying to give her Morphine for her headache but that she told them "morphine doesn't work for me". What she should have told them was that she can't have Narcotics. I asked both the doctor and nurse if they were aware that she has a history of abuse, they said no.

Of course, Julie is still -- Julie. Looking for medications. Eating poorly - she had her 'roommate' bring her a Big Mac and God only knows what else last night because she didn't want hospital food. How can they control her blood sugar if she's having that kind of food brought in from outside? Julie just called me and was totally 'out of it'. She said (slurred speech) that she was coming to pick up the kids. Then she realized she couldn't and that she was in the hospital, and figured she must have been dreaming. Really sad.

I'm not sure what's going to happen today. I hope and pray her heart is fine and that this was just a warning. I hope the warning was enough the scare the CRAP out of her and that she will come out of the hospital with a new outlook on her eating habits.

Again, I have to end this quickly. PLEASE pray for Julie. Pray that the Lord talks to her heart while she is in this condition and she realizes what she needs to do to be there for her kids in years to come and to be there for herself!

Julie's Visit on Saturday

We had another episode late last week with Kayla. Kayla has been on phone restriction until she brings her grades up to a minimum of a C. She had ONE D left in Science, and we were doing everything we could to help her get this grade up to a C. She was ONE point away - and had a big DNA project to do. She had to create a DNA strand, so Chris and I bought her a Knex set (about $60) because it made a really COOL looking DNA strand, and cool and nice meant a better grade which meant bringing up her grade. Kayla turned it in, got an A, and that grade should now go up to a C. BUT.... Kayla apparently didn't want to wait for the grade to go up.

I went to tuck her in while she was sleeping, I reached around to hug her and what do I feel under her pillow? A flipping CELL PHONE - again!!! I was FURIOUS. Chris and I examined the phone, determined that she had it for at least 4 days and woke her up to talk about it. At first she said she got the phone the day before, but when confronted with the evidence, she admitted to having it all week. She'd been using the phone to keep in touch with an ex-boyfriend she just hooked back up with. She also used it to take and send photos to lots of different people and she made and received calls from lots of her friends all hours of the day and night. We JUST went through this a little over a month ago... and now we're going through it AGAIN? To know that Kayla will willfully and knowingly completely disregard our rules to do whatever it is that she wants to do just -- INFURIATES me. We talked to her at length and I can tell you that she honestly believes that she should be able to do whatever she wants to do (including get whatever grades she wants to get) with no restrictions or rules. At one point she told me that she was trying in school and the D was the best grade she could get. But then in the next breath she says that if her dad were alive, she would never have a D.

Julie came over on Saturday morning for her weekly visit. It was HORRIBLE... the whole thing. Let me explain.

It started off good... she stopped by McDonald's and picked up breakfast for the kids. They LOVE McDonald's and we rarely let them eat there. We are sitting around the kitchen table and Gwen calls to talk to the kids. (Gwen being 'Grandma', Ron's mom). Of course, I had already told Gwen what happened with the kids (Justin and Kayla). She spoils them rotten when they are good, and in my opinion, as their grandmother, should know when they are both good AND bad. She talks to each of them and tells Kayla that, due to her behavior and willful and repeating pattern of disrespect and rule-breaking, she is not going to buy her a Christmas present this year.

Kayla came back to the table, crying. I explained to her that Christmas presents were never to be 'expected' that they are GIFTS that people give -- that adults work very hard for their money and choose what to buy and for whom. That I know she didn't like it, but it was her Grandma's decision and Kayla had deal with it.

I should add here that Gwen has witnessed Kayla's behavior all her life. Stealing, lying, etc. Gwen has NEVER put her foot down and done something this seriously before. But - she and I talked about it and agree that Kayla has TWO YEARS until she is a legal adult... there isn't much time left to 'hope' that Kayla understands the seriousness of her actions. If this one thing did it, that would be awesome. If it didn't... it was well worth the try.

So... Kayla is sitting at the table sobbing. Julie tell her 'not to worry about it' that she (Julie) is buying lots of presents for her and Julie will make SURE she has a 'good Christmas'. I told Julie that she shouldn't be trying to 'undo' the lesson that her Grandma is trying to teach her.

As the other kids came to the table they were talking about their presents from last year. They said - "Auntie Tina, how did you afford to give us that last year" and I told them that I didn't buy anything for them last year, Santa did. Again, Santa - to me - is the spirit of Christmas. The Rush family adopted them last year and bought them presents. Julie balked at that, saying that she would NEVER say a present was from Santa... that when she bought her kids presents she wanted to make sure they knew that SHE bought it for them. It's hard to explain the whole story unless you were there, but I can promise you that it was the most selfish thing I've heard Jule talk about in a long time.

There was one other thing that Julie did that really TICKED me off. In front of Kayla she tells me that - by my punishing Kayla that Kayla felt as if I didn't love her unconditionally. And that Julie thought I was being too hard on her. (Mind you - we've not really even DECIDED what to do with Kayla yet.. we are going to talk to her therapist about it and see what she thinks. This is because the restrictions we've put her on before have obviously not worked and we don't want to restrict her just to restrict her, we want her to LEARN from it!) So she tells me all this... I'm too hard on her and that I don't love her unconditionally. I yelled at Julie with that. I told her that she had 15 years to screw everything up and that I only had been given (so far) one year to try to fix it. As long as she kept sticking her nose in it and telling me what to do, that I couldn't do that! Again, I was furious.

Shortly after that, Julie left. Late that night I get a call from Julie because her blood sugar is (again) high. It was 380 at home, and her doctor wanted her to go to the Urgent Care Clinic to get some insulin. Of course, what did Julie just eat before this?? Several brownies. She had eaten out twice that day (fast food), had leftovers for dinner, God only knows how many cokes, and the brownies. Of COURSE her sugar was high. Anyways... she goes to Urgent Care where they say her blood sugar is now over 400 and that they have to send her by Ambulance to the emergency room.

Long story short, this is now her 4th ER trip in a little over a week. I was told that she was given Ativan while there and also given more Fioricet for headaches while there. What either of those has to do with her blood sugar I've no idea... but that's what I heard.

Oh, news about the Jay thing. Julie tells me that originally he told her that she could go wherever she wanted and take whatever medication she wanted... but that after that Jay called Karen Fletcher (original DCF worker) and she told Jay that he was wrong. Jay then told Julie the correct rules. This is good. Oh, and did I tell you that Julie got another job?? She's starting at Publix later this week. Working is VERY good for Julie.

I just got another call from Julie. Her FASTING blood sugar this morning is 479. Yep... nearly 500 FASTING. Holy cow. She's going BACK to the ER. She told me that her BS was over 400 yesterday and they told her to go back to the ER (which would mean she would have gone 3 times in 3 days), but she didn't go, instead she took some meds and went to bed... woke up this morning to that very high blood sugar. She said that she is afraid to call Jay... afraid he is going to yell at her. She said that, after he talked to Karen - he was really yelling at her for all her medications and doctors. I told her that Jay needed to know FROM HER what was going on, that if he found out 'after-the-fact' that it might seem like she was trying to hide it. She agreed and called him. Well, Julie called me right back and said that Jay is just furious that she's going back to an emergency room. He said that before she goes to the ER that she needed to stop by his office and bring paperwork showing what happened at the last few ER trips. As thrilled as I am that Jay is finally taking this seriously, telling a woman who's blood sugar is almost 500 to go anywhere besides an Emergency room immediately is not a good idea... not in my book anyways. Well, I say that, but I'm still feeling rather torn by the whole thing. I mean, I do fully believe she is doing this TO herself. Sigh...

Okay, here's something ironic. I talked to a friend of mine who is a nurse and doesn't really know Julie. (She doesn't really know that Julie used to try to kill herself all the time and about her sorted mental health history). I ask my friend about Julie's blood sugar... what her chances are with a blood sugar level of 400+ on a regular basis. She told me: "Refusing to eat better..... with glucose levels this high...... is it's own type of suicide." Hmmm... that was rather odd I think. I wonder if anyone else is considering that concept. When I told her something about them not having an opening for her to come in for an appointment for 4 weeks, she said that it sometimes happens that way when a patient has an "unwillingness to comply with any of his recommendations." Boy oh boy... does that sound like Julie or what??!!

About how all of US are doing... I guess we are okay. I got most of the inside Christmas decorations done, with the exception of the tree which we still have to go pick out. We took a vote in the house of 'real' vs 'fake' tree and the real tree won. (I was the only one who voted for fake actually). Chris worked on Sunday so we still have the tree to do together and outside which Chris usually does on his own. I still feel really awkward when someone says "you must be doing a ton of shopping with all those kids" and I think about how I've only bought ONE present, with no money and therefore no intentions to buy any more. But I'm okay with that. I can't allow myself to get sucked into the retail side of Christmas... especially not now given our financial position. And ya know what?? We have so much.... so much love... so much gratitude... health... happiness... we are SO BLESSED. I wouldn't be at all surprised to hear that God planned this entire Christmas season for us. Sure we don't have much money, but we have family and love galore!

Yesterday (Sunday) Chris and I sang with 4 others a song that really moved people at church. We're talking - people crying and thanking us over and over again - as if we had given them a gift or something. And it made me think... isn't that what we are supposed to be doing as Christians this time of year... filling people with the Holy Spirit in our own way? Some people blessed financially help people less fortunate and both of them are filled with happiness and love. People help out in soup kitchens, or help our people or families that they otherwise wouldn't really pay attention to - again sharing the love of Jesus and spreading that joy and.... hope. And then there is Chris and I who have very little to GIVE ourselves right now; no time, no money... but we can sing. So we give that to others through the church, and watch as the Lord works through us to talk to people. It's utterly amazing.

The whole thing causes me to once again look back and reflect on the past year. And.... God's plan so PERFECT. You can go back to the prior posts when I've talked about it... but it's really truly amazing to look back and see His plan and how totally perfect it was... or rather IS!

Please keep Julie in your thoughts and prayers. Pray that she will begin to take care of herself and stop hurting herself in one way or another (with drugs, knives (cutting), medications, or even food). Pray that Julie will stop trying to be the center of attention and experience the wonderful feeling of giving and watching others. Pray that she will improve both physically and mentally. Thank you.