Help Me Out Lord

Where to start with this post............. I feel as if the walls around me are caving in and it almost takes my breath away I'm so upset.

Yesterday, after my blog I was home getting ready for the big work thing I had going on that night. The phone rings... it's the high school. Surely they are calling about Kayla, right? No.... it's the vice principal calling about Justin... he set off a fire alarm and is being suspended and possibly thrown out of Gaither High School all together. WHAAAAATTTTT?? To tell you my heart stopped would be an understatement... I couldn't believe my ears. He tells me that he needs to call the school board to see if they are going to allow him to ever go back to Gaither again, but at a minimum, Justin will have out of school suspension for 10 days.

My next few phone calls were to Dottie (Justin's Guardian Ad Litem), Jay (from DCF), mom, Katie, Chris and Julie. Jay I left a message with, but this time he did call me right back. Sigh.....

I'm talking to Jay.... and I tell him about Justin. Then I tell him what I've been calling him about for days now.... I'm worried about Julie. I explain that she is in the hospital now (ER), and this is her 3rd trip in less than a week. She now has the four controlled substances in her home in less than a month. And that I was very worried that she was slipping back into depression - when she's not at the emergency room or eating, she's sleeping. Here's what Jay told me in an EXTREMELY matter of fact kind of way: Julie can go see any doctor she wants to see, take any medication she wants to take and go to the hospital any time she feels like it and it doesn't matter. It's a medical issue and there was nothing he could do about it. WHAT?? So I told him, Jay... it's in her CASE PLAN that she is not allowed to do this. She is to go to ONLY her primary care physician, psychiatrist or therapist... and the emergency room for ONLY life threatening emergencies and only when approved by her doctors. Even then, her medications would need to be prescribed by her PCP or psychiatrist. He told me.... I was wrong, it was not in her case plan. Furthermore, the whole time he was talking to me, he was distracted by other people talking to him in the background. When he was done chastising me, he asked for Julie's number.

To say I was upset would be an understatement. After I hung up with Jay, Dottie called me back and I told her what had happened. She told me that she had Julie's case plan in front of her and that for sure Jay was wrong. We also talked about Justin... and about how we needed to find out why he did what he had done.

I Julie calls me and tells me that Jay called and told her that "her sister keeps calling him every day saying that every day Julie keeps going to the hospital." And that "there are obviously 'issues' with you and your sister and you guys need to work them out between yourselves and not get me involved." I was LIVID that he told her this.

Chris and I head to Orlando. Poor Chris is trying his best to 'be there' for me and I felt just so................ horrible. I decided to call Nick and talk to him... and the message I left him was that if I was not happy with his resolution to my issues, I wanted to file a formal grievance with his department. Needless to say, he called me RIGHT back.

We talked for quite some time. He told me that Jay was new and that - obviously - he didn't handle things with "his relative caregivers" very well... certainly not the way he "should have" handled it. I told Nick quite plainly... I was told that I was to be the 'eyes and ears' and that I was SUPPOSED to tell them when things with Julie were good AND bad. I told Nick to TELL me if I'm not supposed to call Jay. If I'm supposed to call someone else, TELL ME who. If I'm not supposed to say anything to anyone, then tell me THAT! But don't tell me one thing then chastise me for doing what I was told to do.

I told him over and over again that - I didn't KNOW for sure that she was doing something totally WRONG, but for SURE I was worried about her. For sure I see her slipping into patterns that have, in the past, sent her into a downward spiral. Nick said that a lot of the things Julie is doing right now is indicative of someone who is on something or seeking medications. I told him that I had talked to Dr. Vergeese who was also very concerned and hadn't seen her in a while. (Nick said he wanted to speak with Vergeese and asked me to please call Vergeese and tell him to call Nick. Great... more middle man stuff!)

Nick said that when I was concerned, I was supposed to talk to Jay, the CARE MANAGER, and tell him how I felt. That Jay should handle it nicely and look into things. Not shut me down, tell me I'm wrong, then call Julie and complain about my calling him. It was very good that he called, I felt much better.

Then we find out what happened with Justin. He didn't actually PULL the fire alarm, he lifted the clear box OVER the fire alarm and the 'box alarm' went off. If he had pulled the fire alarm he would have been expelled. Because it was just the box alarm, they are giving him 10 days of Out of school suspension. They've asked us to take him to this place called "A.T.O.S.S." Which stands for Alternative to out of school suspension. It's where kids from elementary school to high school can go if they are suspended and don't want to FAIL. It's a 20 minute drive from the house, and he has to be there from 8am to 2pm for the next 10 school days. They give him busy work, but he misses all of his classwork and tests that the rest of his class is doing. In return he's not counted as 'absent' and he is able to make up his final exams (which are in a week or so). If he stayed home instead of going to ATOSS he'd be counted as having 'unexcused absences' and he would not be allowed to make up the exams. Justin still claims he didn't lift the box maliciously... he was just curious and didn't think anything would happen. Guess the other 3 kids learned a good lesson there - they now know NOT to do that in the future! The hardest part of Justin's ATOSS is going to be getting him to and from the place every day. 2pm really cuts into a day... if Chris is working he's got to stop and take an hour break in the smack-dab middle of the day to pick him up. I've decided to try to move my lunch that was from 12-1 every day to 1:30 to 2:30 for as long as I can. Hopefully the bosses won't mind. December is a slow month for us anyways.... but I know they HATE it when nobody is here to answer phones.

I did call Dr. Vergeese and tell him Nick wanted to speak with him. Vergeese told me that he had left so many message (that were never returned) with Jay that he assumed Hillsborough Kids (DCF) was 'no longer involved'. So... I've given Nick's number to Dr. Vergeese and Dr. Vergeese's number to Nick. Hopefully the two of them will talk and straighten the whole thing out.

The end result of all of this is: Nick is going to talk to Jay and will look into what's going on with Julie. Julie has said that she's simply not ever going to tell us when she goes back into the hospital. And Justin is on lock-down restriction at home while he is suspended from school.

I suppose I should feel better with all of these resolutions... but honestly - I don't. Mom said earlier that I should try to just forget worrying about Julie and don't tell DCF anything else. Yet... I'm not really allowed to do that per their own rules - not to mention I don't know that I COULD just 'not worry' about her.

Then there is the part of me that is pissed.... pissed that Julie will probably still be in BED at 2pm this afternoon (and every afternoon for the next 2 weeks) while I have to take off work to go and pick up Justin. If she were working and couldn't do anything, that might feel differently. Of course, she still isn't ALLOWED to do anything like that anyways... she can't see the kids without supervision so she couldn't pick him up even if she was available and willing. So I suppose I just need to let go of that and not be angry about it.

My prayer today....

Help Me Out Lord

Out of resentment.
Help me see the glorious possibilities, not be angry with my sister because of what is or what could have been. Help me see the beauty of your plan.

Out of confusion.
I just don’t understand my life. Why have you allowed this to happen to me? Why have you allowed ME to happen to others? Am I supposed to be miserable? Am I supposed to make a difference? Am I supposed to simply stay out of the way or am I to get involved in your plan? Lord, help me to see your will for ME. Help me to rejoice always, pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; To love you with all my heart, soul, mind and strength; To love my neighbor as myself; To love as you loved me and gave yourself for me.

Out of self-pity.
Poor me. Life has really been rough lately, and I just don't deserve all the hard things that have been thrown at me lately. But really... has anyone suffered as you did? And you didn’t even deserve it. Help me to look beyond this light, momentary crisis, to the eternal glory, purchased for me by your son Jesus Christ.

Help me to look to Jesus, my merciful and faithful Savior, whose prayers, offered in the Spirit, are always heard by the Father.

Help me out, Lord. Help me out.

Back To The ER

I have no real news to report today but just wanted to tell you all that Julie is BACK on her way to the Emergency Room AGAIN because her head hurts. Her blood sugar is over 300 yet again. Mom and I both had a talk with her about how she was doing this TO herself with her eating habits. But Julie will try to fix it with a pill I'm sure.

When I talked to Kayla and Kayte's therapist yesterday at lunch, we were talking about everything. She asked why Julie went to different doctors and different hospitals. I told her that Julie was very good at going where she thought she needed to go given the circumstances. This time she's headed to Memorial Hospital. Last time she went to Tampa General. Why? My guess is that Memorial won't have the history on what Tampa General gave her. Julie is VERY good at manipulating the medical system to fit her needs and wants.

I put a call into Jay's supervisor yesterday morning as well as Jay, and still no word from either of them. I'm going to do my best to NOT keep calling them - I'll await their return call to me. Julie told me today that she has Percocet at home as well.... so that means that she's up to FOUR controlled substances at her home in less than a month: Percocet, Fioricet, Xanax and Clonopin. Just lovely. Considering she's supposed to have NONE... that's a lot.

Julie also told me she's not called the kids as much because she's been in bed. No surprise there... it's just so sad. Mom said that Julie had gotten her copy of the report from the doctor that was supposed to determine if she can parent again or not. Julie read the whole report to mom. There was a LOT of information in the report, but from what mom picked out - the doctor said she could "try" having the kids on at "trial basis". Sigh.....

Okay, I couldn't take it any more.......... just called Jay again........... and left another message. :o(

Julie asked about coming over for a visit on Friday... and I don't want her to come over. Not in her condition....... I don't want to deal with this right now. I have so much going on myself: today I have a HUGE office event which I am running in Orlando. It's a big golfing and dinner event in which we are hosting the presidents of multi-million dollar companies. No pressure or anything, but this HAS to go off perfectly - I've been planning it for a year now. This weekend we're singing a song that's not really 'ready' yet (in my opinion)... and then next weekend is the big Christmas Show at church. On December 11th, I'm going to breathe a big heavy sigh knowing that everything is over until Christmas. Christmas? Did I just say Christmas? Oie! Christmas is around the corner!! UGG

Sleeping All Day

I've got a really bad feeling about Julie folks. In the past few days, she's been going downhill (in my opinion) and I'm really scared for her.

I found out that she went to bed on Saturday night at about Midnight then didn't wake back up until around 6pm on SUNDAY night. That's 30 hours of sleep. I called her about 1 pm today and woke her up. Just.... something is not right with her right now.

She says that her head hurts and she needs something else. But yet when you talk to her (other than when she's sleeping and she sounds tired) she seems fine. I'm sure those who saw her on Thanksgiving day didn't think she was going to leave and go directly to the ER again. Sigh... I don't know...............

I called Jay earlier. I told him that I was very concerned. I told him that Julie was now on two narcotics - and that she had been to the ER several times already. I explained how it was part of Julie's case plan that she NOT see any other physician unless an extreme emergency. The funny thing about her tripst to the ER is that she keeps complaining about a headache, yet fails to do anything about her blood sugar which is routinely over 300. Think that would make your head hurt? I'll bet so. The facts are that she is going to the ER for headache treatment and getting medications, she is admittedly depressed, she already asked for 'permission' to go to the hospital for psychiatric treatment, and now she's sleeping all of the time. Jay.... was completely and utterly lost. He told me he was going to read the case file and call me back - and - of course he hasn't as of yet. He also said that he had not yet read the report from her physician.

I then called Dottie to talk to her. She listened to the whole thing... gave me advice... but told me that when it came to Julie, Jay was the only one who could do anything. Grrrrrrrreat. I also scheduled a therapy appointment for Kayla and Kayte next month to talk about what happened with the necklaces and how to best handle the grief over their dad in a healthy manner. We'll see how that goes. Dottie told me that if I didn't hear back from Jay later this morning that I should call his boss. I just HATE doing that....

So this afternoon I decided to call Dr. Virgeese. I didn't know that Julie has not yet scheduled anything to come in and see him. When the other doctor saw her, he said that he couldn't take her as a 'patient' - that he could only do the test - and that she should follow up with Dr. Virgeese for regular therapy... but she's not been in to see him. He then told me that he had a 45 minute conversation with this other doctor and that he wanted to see me (and my mom) sometime to talk about everything. He said... nothing has changed... everything is still the same.... and that he too was very concerned about Julie. When I told him to let Dr. Vijapuri know that Julie was telling people that he said that she was not 'allowed' to go and seek classes on how to deal with the trauma of being robbed... he told me it was absurd that Dr. Vijapuri would say or even suggest that. He believes that Julie has twisted his words to fit what Julie wants to believe - as usual. And, I think he's right about that. I also think that - if Julie went from seeing a therapist once a week to not at all recently, it might account for why she is so depressed.

Come to think of it... I know Julie said that she hasn't been to therapy in a while because of her work schedule (back before she quit obviously). She told me that because she was working 10 hour days 6-7 days a week she didn't have time to go. Now I find out that she's not been to see Dr. Virgeese at all. But yet, at the court hearing last week she told them she WAS seeing her therapist every single week. Wonder what that's all about.

I tell you why I'm blogging about all of this...............................
Part of me is telling myself that I should leave it alone and let Julie go off the deep end. She's end up drugged or depressed and in the hospital. And then I'll be 'right' in feeling and believing that Julie just can't go a while without getting into some sort of drug or psychiatric trouble. This part of me is what I consider to be the"'easy-way-out and bad Tina".

But the other part of me is wanting so badly for my sister to keep herself UP and out of trouble. I honestly believe that if Jay had called Julie when she went to the ER the first time and reminded her that she wasn't allowed to do that, that Julie wouldn't have gone a second time. For this, I'm angry and I don't know what to do about it. This part of me wants to wake Jay up and get him involved in Julie's plan... to get him to stay on top of her so that she behaves well. This is the "controlling-yet-loving Tina".

Usually after I finish blogging something like this I have a more clear understanding of what it is I need to do. Yet today............ that is not the case.

You have to understand that all of this is just in ADDITION to the normal stress of our daily lives. After the oven episode and buying Jono the ONE gift I really wanted to buy for him, I'm financially spent for the month already. Chris and I have a lot of singing to do the next few weeks - which is exciting and terrifying at the same time. There is a lot of new stuff to remember... our duet... "In the first light" with our regular praise team.... all the songs for the Christmas performance with the choir... it's totally fun and very fulfilling, but it's also scary. Then there's Christmas. I think with the one gift we bought for Jonathan, on top of whatever his Nana and my family are going to do for him, it'll be a good Christmas for him. I'm really praying it won't be as lop-sided as my gut keeps telling me it's going to be. And besides - I've said it before and I'll say it again - Jonathan has been one AMAZING young man through all of this. It was my intention to - if I couldn't afford anything else - get Jonathan ONE thing that he really wanted. At least that is now done. :o)

Tonight the high-schoolers are going to their Youth Director's house for dinner. Mark is an AMAZING guy. He invited SIX kids to his house to have a home-cooked dinner with him tonight. Of those six kids, two are mine. The kids are SO LOVING church... Justin even wants to start going to Sunday School on Wednesday nights. We might start doing that after Christmas. Heck - the whole family can eat for about 20 bucks at Church on a Wednesday night - can't beat that! Add to that diving deeper into the word of God.... it doesn't get any better than that! Why after Christmas? Glad you asked.... Monday night we are at Church for Christmas praise team, Tuesday nights is TOT, Wed nights is usually Julie's night, Thursday is Choir and sometimes Praise Team, Friday is high-school sporting event night, Sunday we go to and from Church 8 times total already. So, it's pretty hectic right now, but should be better after the holidays when we don't have the Christmas praise team and I'm most likely leaving TOT (that's another story for another day...)

Just got off the phone with Mom who called Julie just a minute ago. It's now after 4 pm and Julie is up and in the shower. Mom said she "sounds good" and that she's getting ready for a date tonight.

Oh boy.... maybe things are looking up. **falls over laughing**

Thanksgiving Day With Julie

Thanksgiving day was a pretty good day. Evie had a TON of food... and of course spending time with family is always wonderful. Chris sprung Doug from the ALF for the afternoon and Doug did VERY well all day.

I only had a couple of issues with Julie. First of all, I didn't really feel like I could do anything as I had to sit with Julie the whole time. This of course isn't Julie's fault - but I think knowing this sets you up to understand my frame of mind. Julie came a little late and we had all just sat down to dinner. Julie had bought all her kids a gift for Christmas - gold necklaces with their names on them (really big and quite expensive). Julie had decided that, since Thanksgiving was Ron's favorite holiday and she had just picked up the necklaces a day or so ago, she would give it to them on Thanksgiving.

Julie walked in and - as I said - we were all eating. She called each kid into a side room one at a time. Finding this odd, I - of course - had to go see what she was doing. She told each kid that the present was "from their daddy". This made all of them emotional and Kayla cried hysterically. For the rest of the day, when they were asked about the necklaces, they had to respond with 'my daddy gave it to me'.

There are a few things about this that I find odd. First - her timing. We were all eating and Julie had to make it all about what she wanted to do right then. Then saying that it was from Ron. Neither the money nor the gold nor the thought of the gift was at ALL from Ron. If it were melted gold from something that belonged to Ron it might be different. But it wasn't. Julie also went on and on about Ron's birthday being 12/22 and how she was going to throw him a 40th Birthday Party. The kids stated that they didn't really want that, that their dad wasn't really HERE turning 40. Julie just said 'well, he would be 40'. The whole thing was just.... weird.

One other thing happened yesterday that caught me off guard. I saw Kayla and Kayte in the kitchen talking to Julie. They looked stressed so I asked what was going on. Julie pulled me outside with the girls. Apparently, weeks ago - Kayte had overheard parts of my conversation with the lady from the Children's home. She was pissed that I talked so badly about her mother. I asked her what she meant... and she said that I told the woman that when Julie was younger she'd have sex with anyone. I explained to Kayte that - I didn't say anything MEAN, I said the truth. Then I looked to Julie, explained exactly what I said to the lady, and asked if any of what I said was inaccurate. Julie said no - it was truthful. I explained to Kayte, Julie and Kayla that at that session I was required to give a history. A long detailed history. And that was exactly what I did. I also told her that I was VERY sorry that she had to overhear any of that. I thought we were in a room where she couldn't hear, but apparently she did.

The other thing I noticed about Julie at Evie's house was that she really had no 'social' skills. She couldn't sit with someone and find out about them... everything was all about her. If the other person said something, Julie would end up turning the conversation towards her and continue talking. It wasn't blatant or rude or anything. Just an obeservation I made. You could also tell where Julie sat by the mess on the table cloth. She ate regular food then had a whole plate full of sweets (mind you she's been to the ER 2 times in 2 days at this point in which her blood sugar was sky-high and 'out of control'). But she just spilled food everywhere, even turning her plate over entirely once. It was just gross.

I didn't touch on the ER thing... but she had been to the ER twice in 2 days looking for something for her headache. The night before Thanksgiving they even did a spinal tap and CT scan which proved normal. She was given another mixture of toradol and phenergan and given a prescription of Fioricet for her headaches. Again... I"m going to have to find out about how this plays into her treatment plan with her other doctors.

I'm going to call the girls' therapist and schedule an appointment for them - and at that time I'm going to ask her if what Julie did with the necklaces and saying they were from Ron was a good thing or a bad thing. I want to be sure that if Julie isn't handling Ron's death with the kids appropriately or in a healthy manner, it's dealt with now. Since Ron died Julie's dealt with it her own way... her car having "in memory of Ron" on it with his birthday and date of death, and HUGE angels on the back of it.... her HUGE tattoo on her arm (and the one she was going to put on Kayte).... her myspace being totally about Ron. Yet... she doesn't always mourn him - she's dating a LOT of men. She's constantly seeking approval and love from men. And... Julie is a grown woman and I feel that she should be able to deal with this on her own (with the help of her therapist she sees once a WEEK and her psychiatrist she sees once a month). But when she throws the KIDS into her plans... then I want to make sure it's handled in a healthy manner.

We had a little episode at the house last night with the oven. It's kind of hard to explain.... but with all 4 teenagers here, the house is falling apart much faster than it probably should. The cabinet doors are falling off the hinges - we've already totally lost one where we can't hang it any more. Last night the oven door broke. It was as if someone stood or pushed hard on it while it was open... maybe someone slipped and hit it? I dunno... but it broke and nobody told us. Chris went to use the oven last night and it's when he noticed it was broken. It infuriates us when they know something is broken (toilet, door, oven, whatever) and choose NOT to tell us and let us find out on our own. So this morning we had to run to Sears parts shop and find the hinge/spring unit we needed. Lucky for us it was in stock. It just saddens me to see things at the house falling apart like this though. I mean... we are truly going to have to replace our entire kitchen cabinets after the kids leave. Not because they abuse them (although often times we'll see them pulling on them with their body weight or slamming them shut or forcing them shut while pots/pans are still in the way) - but mostly I think from just the CONSTANT use they get now. It's an expense I never thought of when they moved in. Sigh..............

I feel like there is so much more I should tell you about Thanksgiving... the food and the family was totally awesome. We were able to spend a little time with Amanda and her boyfriend Gene. But I'm in a rush... we have to sing at Church tonight and still have stuff to do before then. So for now... I'm outta here. I promise to fill you in on all the fun later. For now, I wanted to 'get out' what I experienced with Julie.

PLEASE keep us in your thoughts and prayers.

The Court Date

Whewwwwww.... today is almost over. Thank the Lord!

I went to the courthouse today at 10 am. Julie was already there, eating. She claimed she had a small headache and thought food might help. She also told me that she met this guy online through a dating service who was a Doctor at Tampa General Emergency Room who told her if she needed treatment or medications to come and see him. Odd place to pick up medical advice, and even more strange that she'd tell me this... but - hey, that's Julie, right? When she was finished eating , we went upstairs to the courtroom and waited outside to be called. There for the hearing was myself, Julie and her attorney, Dottie (the Guardian Ad Litem) and their attorney and the new Hillsborough Kids worker Jay.

While we waited, Julie talked to Dottie and Jay. She explained to them how she has been very depressed lately. She was on the Xanax and now Clonopin and knew neither would really work for her 'anxiety' long term, and she expressed a desire to 'go into the hospital' for treatment to help longer term. Dottie asked what she was having anxiety over and Julie explained about the robbery to her. Dottie suggested that Julie try counseling to learn some 'coping skills', but Julie said her psychiatrist, Dr. Vijapuri, wouldn't allow it. Dottie and I find that very hard to believe.

Julie explained over and over again that her depression that she is feeling now was NOT bipolar depression, but - as she put it- situational depression. She asked Jay for 'permission' to go into the hospital and it 'not be held against her'. Dottie and I both found this a really odd conversation. Dottie told me that she felt that Julie was "laying the groundwork" for prior behavior and hoping that by laying groundwork ahead of time she could avoid criticism. It's funny... Dottie who has been with us since the beginning saw right through what Julie was doing... Jay on the other hand fed right into what Julie was doing.

Julie also mentioned several times during the conversation how she was going to have unsupervised visits after this hearing. Dottie at one point pulled me aside and told me that the Guardian Ad Litem attorney was going to recommend that NOT happen right now.

Another odd thing Julie did while waiting was discuss her medications over and over again. How she had legitimate prescriptions for them so she was allowed to take them. She showed us the copies of the prescriptions several times. She explained how the doctor didn't put "no refills" and that she was tempted to give herself refills (writing it on the rx before turning it in to the pharmacy) but she didn't and she was VERY proud of this. This whole conversation made me uncomfortable (as it did Dottie as well) as I knew that all her prescriptions in the past were prescribed to her. One other thing to mention on her prescriptions is that she has a case plan set up with her doctors to where she is not ALLOWED to go anywhere else to seek treatment without their consent.

When they finally called us in, everyone but me was allowed to sit around a table with the Judge, a court reporter and some other lady who asked questions. I was not allowed to talk at all, nor was Julie unless it was through her attorney. While there, several issues came up which surprised me.

First of all, Julie's doctors report was NOT yet in so they were unable to do anything about unsupervised visits. Julie's attorney was quickly shut down on that item. The Judge asked Jay if he was familiar with the case, and Jay responded 'yes', although he was only on the case one month now. Well... it was quickly apparent that poor Jay wasn't as well-aware of things as he should have been, and the Judge called him on it multiple times.

The Guardian Ad Litem attorney was allowed to ask questions of the court. One of the requests was that the Hillsborough Kids office (DCF) help with transportation to therapy appointments for the kids. Then they mentioned that the kids hadn't been to therapy since July (this surprises me... I thought Kayla and Kayte had been more recently than that - back when the therapist recommended Kayla have an evaluation done by a psychiatrist... I'll need to look at that date). The judge was NOT happy about that. Then the Guardian Ad Litem attorney said that one of the reasons the kids weren't going to therapy was cost. The judge said "they should have Medicaid, this should be a non-issue". I'm BITING my lip so as not to blurt something out. Someone else stated that the kids had Tricare... but the judge said "they should have Medicaid too, I don't see what the problem is" and with that everyone was quiet. So OF COURSE I had to jump in and explain how Tricare was primary and Medicaid secondary, but no therapist takes BOTH so I was stuck with a per-kid per-visit co-payment. The judge then said "well, her relative caregiver funds should be used to pay for that". With that Jay explained that they weren't giving me ANY FUNDS for the kids and explained the kids get social security checks because their dad died. The judge said that he didn't care how much those checks were for, the SS checks were for the KIDS but that Ms. Rhodes needed money to care for the kids. He also said that he saw NO reason that there EVER be a reason that a relative caregiver not get relative caregiver funds. (We're talking about $200 or so a month). He said that he wanted Jay to put together a report showing supported legal findings by December 5th as to "why Ms. Rhodes should not get relative caregiver funds". He's rescheduled a hearing for 12/22 (Ron's birthday!) to discuss this again in court. You KNOW I have to be there for that one!

Then they touched on the my-space episode with Kayla. The judge REALLY yelled at Jay for 'not having control over his relative caregiver (ME!) who obviously wasn't screening what the kids were doing on the internet'. OUCH. With that I spoke up again (against court rules) and told him that - it was an incident when Kayla moved in, and that since that time she has NO internet access any more. Wow.... tough stuff man.

So... the next court date where they will discuss the relative caregiver funds and possible unsupervised visits will be on December 22nd. I need to mark my calendar now.

One last thing happened on the way out. Even though absolutely nothing went Julie's way today.... her attorney - on the way out - told her that he thought she could have her kids back by May. Julie was ESTATIC to hear this. When I mentioned that I felt the kids needed to finish the school year with me, she wanted no part of it. She told me that the kids WOULD want to leave, even if they only had a month of school left, change schools and move in with her. I was beside myself that Julie would even think of pulling them out weeks before school ended. I remember how HARD it was for them to change to our school. Regardless of friends, the curriculum is totally different. It was just staggering to hear her talk about how she was going to do what she wanted to if she got them early. And just so it's clear how I feel about it, I will fight her tooth and nail if she tries to pull the kids out at the very end of the school year - should she get them back about that time.

So... you heard me talk earlier about her medications, headache, the doctor she met through a dating service, her talks of wanting permission to go to the hospital, depression, etc. Well, after the court date she apparently went to Tampa General Hospital ER and was treated. At about 3 pm she had slurred speech and seemed really out of it on the phone. By 5 she sounded much better and was on her way home. They apparently gave her something she needed. Don't know how that fits in with her case plan she had worked out with her doctors, but oh well. I was surprised that she didn't go in for the depression... but I am expecting that to happen soon. If I were a betting woman, I'd bet that she's waiting till after Thanksgiving. Let's hope I'm wrong.

She called the house here on her way home from the hospital........................... and I listened to the whole conversation with her kids with the phone muted. Bad Tina... I know. What's worse is that I recorded it.... not to 'hold against her' at all.... but rather, to just re-listen with an open mind and -- LOOK for a glimmer of a good mom in her words. What I heard was sad.

She talked for about an hour. Well... no... didn't talk - there was dead air for probably 45 minutes of the hour. The kids asked about getting cell phones when they moved back home. Julie asked what Justin had for lunch. Justin asked what she was doing for dinner. Julie told Kayla she wanted her to sew her roommate's baby a pillow for Christmas. Other than this.... it was just.............................................. odd. The whole thing................ odd. Julie wasn't at ALL motherly or concerned or interested in their day or what they were doing. She was .................. bored. The kids talked to her because they had to... they said the one or two things they needed to say.... and after that.... it was just awkward. I've re-listened to some of it to see if I was just being judgemental... and I'm telling you......... it's just WEIRD. Like.... she was just bored and lonely and needed to kill some time.

Quick update on Chris. He needs side-jobs BADLY. We've been talking about that a lot lately. So, yesterday - he got a call from someone to come do some emergency work. They had been burglarized and apparently the person kicked in their door. They needed the door secure enough to not get robbed again until their Homeowners could kick in and replace the door completely. Who was the call from? Pastor Matthew!! Our angel! I swear when he prays for us... it goes directly up to God's ear. He's been there for us so many times... from food through the church, marriage counseling, scholarships for the kids to do things in the church, and the powerful prayers he says often for us. I know what you are thinking mom and NO he did not charge our Pastor for the work done... after all he's done for us - how COULD we. Not to mention Karma. Think of the Karma that poor person who broke into the pastor's house has to deal with down the road! Ouch!!

Speaking of Pastor Matthew, he said something in his sermon two weeks ago that struck me. He said..... "If right now - your name popped up in God's mind - what would he think about you?" I had one of those things where one thing popped into my mind very quickly without even thinking about it. And it struck me that I thought of it so quickly and didn't hesitate (those who know me know that I tend to analyze to death), and yet, in analyzing what I thought I knew that it was accurate. (Well, accurate assuming I'd know what God were thinking!) Again the question: "If my name popped into God's mind right now, what would he think about you" - and immediately I thought "She tries".

Yep... I honestly believe that it's what God would think should my name come up in his head. Prefect? FAR from it. Good all the time? FAR from that as well. But I believe I try... I try so hard. Surely God has to know that.... right? But... do you think that counts as enough? I try to do the right thing all the time. Do right by my husband. Do right by these kids. Do right by my own kids. Do right by my mom. Do right by my in-laws. Do right in what I say and do with friends. Do right in the eyes of God. But................ is trying enough?

I sure hope so.

Monday Chaos

Well, it's a little after 5 and I need to head home, but I really felt the need to express my deep concerns/worries first. Mostly because your prayers lift me beyond what I could possibly imagine possible... and so I'd like to ask for prayers to get me through the next couple of days.

Tomorrow at 10 am is the court hearing where they'll decide if Julie gets unsupervised visits and/or partial custody or whatever it is they are going to recommend. Julie just called to ask if I were going... and I originally had planned on not going - but now that the report is in from the psychiatrist, I feel I need to go.

It's easy to think that the 'system' wouldn't let the kids go back into an unsafe environment. I think that, were I not in the position I am in and had I not seen the things I have seen, I'd probably feel exactly that way. But - I've seen too much to totally trust the system to do the right thing. I want to be sure that when Julie gets the kids alone she doesn't do something wrong. Not only for the kids sake... but for Julie's sake as well!

Did I tell you about her phone call the other day? She called on Saturday and said that she was at the store and thinking about buying the girls (Kayla and Kayte) another Christmas present and wanted to know what I thought. She says "I'm going to get them boxes of condoms". WHAAAAATTTTT??? Why - oh Lord - WHY - does she call and do these things to me!?!?! I already know the answer to that... because she doesn't know any better. Trying to give them alcohol a few weeks ago, all the other little things, and WHAT is she going to do with them if she gets them alone for hours at a time?? And more importantly - WHO is going to be the one who is going to be there to tell her NO, that's not appropriate!?!

Sigh.........

She also called earlier and told me that the Xanax wasn't working for her Anxiety so she was on her way to see Dr. Vijapuri (her psychiatrist). She brought back the Xanax she had left over and asked him to give her something else. He's now put her on Clonopin, which she has a STRONG history of abusing. She said her gave her a month supply and told her he's not refilling it, but we'll see what happens. I'm betting that he'll refill it anyways, but I hope and pray that she doesn't get hooked on it. It's the last thing in the world she needs right now.

Julie is on her way to my house as I type for a visit tonight. Of course she wants me to cook a home cooked meal for her. Of course I said yes - I have to cook anyways, right?

So... to sum everything up on why I can't stop biting my fingernails today....
* Julie's court date is tomorrow
* The doctor recommended she 'try joint custody', although the judge decides what to do
* Julie is now taking the exact medication she has abused for many years
* Julie is on her way to my house as I type for a visit tonight
* Julie will be with me an ENTIRE day on Thursday for Thanksgiving

I suppose I really need to get home and get ready for the visit. Maybe I'll stop and pick up some wine... that'll help. **chuckles**

I should go back and read my post from months ago titled "I don't know what the future holds, but I know who holds my future" or something like that. I need that inspiration right now. I need prayer to help get me through this. Please pray for me. Please.

I'll leave you with a quote from a guy who passed away just before the folks from "Extreme Makeover Home Edition" were able to help rebuild his house. The dad, as he was dying, told his family this:

"There are a lot of things to think about, but nothing to worry about"

I think I need to try to think about things and work on the 'not worry' part.

Joint Custody Recommended

Chris is finally home!!!! He got in about 4 am early Saturday morning. It's now noon on Sunday and the 55 Chevy is in the garage, the U-Haul is unpacked and has been returned, and life is slowly getting back to normal.

It's a little chilly here in Tampa today, and will be even colder tomorrow and Tuesday. I had a chance this morning to pull out all the winter clothes. The good news: Lots of my older and smaller winter clothes fit. I've lost about 45 lbs now, and it's pretty exciting. The bad news is that I quickly realized that Kayla, Kayte and Justin have very little winter clothes. This morning Justin said he had not one single pair of jeans he could wear to church this morning. He claimed all of Jono's were dirty (they wear the same size) and that he had none. After church, I went through Jono's drawers and he has plenty of clothes for he and Justin to share. This is good as it'll save me a costly trip to Target.

Speaking of Jono and Justin... they had a huge fight yesterday. No... fight is the wrong word. Sigh... here's what happened:

Chris got in and had a 51" Sony TV that he brought home from Doug's home in Tennessee. This thing is HUGE, and you just can't imagine how much it weighs. After getting it off the truck, we quickly realized it wouldn't fit in Doug's room in the ALF. What to do now? We looked throught the house trying to see where would could put this 51" Triniton beast. It wouldn't fit in the game room, wouldn't really 'work' in our bedroom, wouldn't fit in Kayla's room, won't fit in Jono's room, and the only room we could see that it would fit in just so happened to be the same room as the only one who doesn't already have a TV in there - Justin's room. So, we decide to put it in there.

Getting it up the stairs was no easy task. It took a dolly, Chris, and a strong neighbor to get it up each step one at a time. The thing must way 300 lbs or more. We didn't realize at the time that Jono was already........ emotional.

He had watched over the past few months as Chris coached Justin's baseball games - they were together for baseball practices or games at least 2-3 times a week. Justin was getting better grades than Jono was. Justin doesn't get in trouble for his behavior as much as Jono does. Earlier that morning, Justin had his FIRST base hit of the baseball season. He got to first base and everyone in the stands was cheering for him - everyone knew he'd struck out or been walked all season. After he touched first base, he did a kart-wheel. It was funny. He ended up getting 2 base hits and stole 2nd in the game. Justin was awarded MVP for the game... it was all very exciting for Justin and for all of us who watched him week after week.

It all came to a head as the television was put in place in Justin's room - I said something (again not knowing Jono was emotional) about Justin being the luckiest kid in Carrollwood at the moment, and Jonathan lost it, crying as he went outside. I followed him and tried to talk to him, but he didn't really want to hear from me. He felt as if his dad wanted Justin to be his son, not Jonathan. A few minutes into my trying to console him, he left and walked away.

I went to tell Chris what was happening, and Jono was gone. We got into the car to try and find him. He ended up walking to his friend's house (the Helbigs), and Denise called me to let me know he was there. She talked to him for a bit... explaining that what he was feeling was normal sibling stuff... that he didn't experience it with Amanda because she was 7 years older than he, but it WAS normal... she also told him to try and think about Justin - that no matter WHAT happened one thing was for certain, Justin was NEVER going to have a father ever again. Denise called us and we went to pick him up. Chris talked to him some and they reconnected.

Everything is better now, we just need to be more conscious about Jonathan's feelings from now on. Poor little guy.

Oh -- BIG news on Julie getting the kids back. She called me on Friday night and told me that the psychiatrist had finished his comprehensive exam and that he had recommend she 'try' custody in a joint-custody type setting. I really don't know any more than that as I was unable to reach Jay, the DCF guy. I called him on Friday and he's not yet called me back. Her court date is on Tuesday and I don't know what I'm going to do yet. Julie thinks she'll get unsupervised visits on Tuesday. At the last staffing, they told us that at the court hearing the judge would probably say that they will go with whatever recommendations come out of the staffing. If the psychiatrist said Julie could parent again, they would hold another staffing and decide on unsupervised visits.

I'm really upset about the words "Joint Custody"... I'm not sure what he meant by that. If he means that Julie can take the kids home on Thursdays thru Sundays as some joint custody cases in divorces - I'm seriously opposed to that. Visits, yes. Eventually weekend visits, yes. But joint custody... what does that mean??? I really don't know.

I know one thing for certain, I want to get my hands on that report and see what it says exactly. As mom so quickly reminded me... sometimes Julie hears what Julie wants to hear. So... for now... I wait and see.

I've got to run as I have clothes to do, a house to clean, and shopping to get done, but I found this and thought it was very appropriate as we head into Thanksgiving.

BE THANKFUL

Be thankful that you don't already have everything you desire.
If you did, what would there be to look forward to?
Be thankful when you don't know something,
for it gives you the opportunity to learn.

Be thankful for the difficult times.
During those times you grow.
thankful for your limitations,
because they give you opportunities for improvement.
Be thankful for each new challenge,
because it will build your strength and character.

Be thankful for your mistakes. They will teach you valuable lessons.
Be thankful when you're tired and weary,
because it means you've made a difference.

It's easy to be thankful for the good things.
A life of rich fulfillment comes to those who are
also thankful for the setbacks.
Gratitude can turn a negative into a positive.
Find a way to be thankful for your troubles,
and they can become your blessings.

No Such Thing As Coincidence

I don't have long to post. I just got in from Choir rehearsal and need to get the kids into bed. But I realized I hadn't blogged in a couple of days and thought I should update you on a couple of things before I forgot.

Julie had a visit on Tuesday. Originally she was going to work, but somehow she got off, and she called and asked about coming over. I was supposed to go to Chorus, but figured with Chris out of town, it was probably best that I stay home anyways. She really wanted a home-cooked meal... said the last home cooked meal she had was the last one I made for her over a month ago. So... I cooked and she had a visit.

The visit went okay. After her visit, I sent her this email which kinda sums up what happened at the visit. Warning, I tried to ** out the profanities, hope I didn't miss any. And yes, to those of you who know me from Church, I do listen to ALL kinds of music. Christian, Barbershop, and even Rap/Hip-hop. Call me odd... I know..... Anyways, here's the letter:

Julie, I wanted to express some of my feelings to you on things that you and I do not agree on. If and when you get the kids back, it will be a transition and I think it is very important that you and I agree upon a parenting style, so that they don't go to your place and act one way, and another way at my house.

1) That music. Julie... I love rap just as much as you and the kids do. I listen to 98.7 and 95.7 all the time. I sing along to Fergie, Bow Wow and Ludacris. My problem is with the music that has extreme profanity in it. In my opinion there is absolutely NO reason any kid under 18 should be listening to music that says words such as "Mother fu**er" and "nigger" and other profanities. Here's one I found: I ain't got no mutha fu**in friends, Thats why I fu**ed your bi*ch, You fat mutha-fu**a. If Justin, Kayla or Kayte are listening along to it, don't you think they are more likely to SAY those words often? And.... WHY is it that they feel like listening to it? Maybe because their mom does??!! When the music on the radio is just fine and is what everyone else is listening to. I don't think I'm being a prude here... I think that music is offensive. When I told Justin to get rid of the CD, you said you wanted to take it home and listen to it. You stated that you are an adult and can "do or listen to whatever you want". Well... that's not totally true, not when you have kids to raise. Your FIRST obligation should be to their welfare... raising them from good kids to good and productive adults. If that means you don't listen to songs that have "mother fu**er" over and over again in the lyrics for 4 or 5 years until your kids are grown and out of the house, then so be it! You've got how many more years left on this earth? 50 - 60? And so you give up the next 4-5 to help them be better people. You bet I think you should. And Julie.... if YOU see nothing wrong with letting a 13, 14 and 15 year old kid listen to those lyrics, it's really not good. Not only would most every adult agree with me, it's the law that they can't even PLAY it on the air in a country where we ALLOW freedom of speech. What does that tell you? It should tell you that it is very wrong. And if your built in 'guidance system' doesn't tell you that... then there are still problems.

2) When the kids tell you something like - they don't care what kind of pants they wear and/or they like the music they are listening to here.... don't SHOOT THEM DOWN... for God's sake Julie, listen to them and enjoy it. Gwen took Kayla and Kayte shopping at Target while she was here and they LOVED it. They bought pants there. Would they PREFER to go to Platos closet, I'm sure they would. But you have it in your head that they HATE wearing clothes that aren't brand names. Please understand that I'm not saying that they shouldn't wear designer clothes. Plato's closet is wonderful and cheap! It's just the way that you immediately jumped in and swore that you KNEW they hated other kinds of clothes. Even IF they USED to be like that... they CAN change. Not saying they were like that and they have changed, I'm saying it's possible. It's also totally possible that they DO enjoy the music we sing and listen to at Church. Heck, I like it and I still like Ludacris. You are so quick to say that you know exactly what they like and dislike. Instead of jumping in that quickly, please just try listening to them. No doubt I fully believe the kids HAVE changed from being at my house. You see them maybe 2 hours out of 168 hours in a week. You don't see everything I see.... just keep an open mind.

3) You keep assuming the kids are going to be bad when they come back with you. Justin missing the bus. Kayla breaking out of the house. The kids have had a LOT of problems since moving in with me, but these are not any of their problems. Why assume they are going to be bad? Have you thought about how that makes them feel?

4) Speaking of how they are going to feel... you and I have both been guilty of talking to them a lot about them going home when we don't have the report in yet from the psychiatrist. We are putting the cart before the horse... the psychiatrist needs to get the report to Hillsborough Kids before we know for sure what is going to happen. I'm sure the report should be out soon... but I wanted to mention that I've noticed both of us doing it and I know that we BOTH are not 'allowed' to do so.

5) I should say that I think you are doing GREAT. No drugs. No cutting. No depression. It's just awesome. Telling Kayla that she can't use your phone last night was very mature of you. I would like to think that you did that because you knew she was on restriction and NOT because you thought her doing it would get you into trouble. But you have really done well Julie and I am very proud of you.

6) Your working. It's awesome that you are working Julie. Personally (as your sister only), I think you are working too much now, but you are an adult with no kids at home and can do whatever you want to as far as working. But I do hope that you fully realize that you CAN NOT work that much when the kids come back with you. You will need to work - yes sure. But you can't put in that many hours and expect the kids to take care of themselves. When the kids moved in with me, there are lots and lots and lots of things I had to give up. Someone needs to be home to clean the house/make sure chores are done, someone needs to cook them dinner, someone needs to check their homework and help them study for tests. Someone needs to listen to how their day was and be there as they talk about how a friend was mean to them or a boy likes them. Someone needs to drive them to football games in high school. Someone needs to drive Justin to practice (baseball/football/whatever). Does Circle K know that your hours are going to greatly change if and when the kids move back home?

So... shortly after sending that email to Julie, she quit her job. She said she was at home, getting ready for work and had a horrible panic attack. She took TWO Xanax and called her boss. She said that she realized that she could NOT work 10 hour days 7 days a week anymore. She doesn't need to work that much... the Circle K where she works has only THREE employees, so they work them every day instead of hiring anyone else.

The downside of Julie quitting her job means that she has a LOT more time. Time to do things that she might not need to do. Oh... and my favorite... time to join us for Thanksgiving dinner. Oie! As it turns out, now Julie, her roommate (an 18 year old girl), and her roommate's baby are coming to Thanksgiving dinner. I have no qualms what-so-ever with Julie coming over. It'll be emotionally exhausting as I have to 'supervise' the whole time... but in the 'spirit of the season' I don't have a problem doing that. But the added drama of her roommate and the baby... not sure I'm emotionally up to that. We'll see how it goes. Say a prayer for us on Thanksgiving, will you?

More updates... Chris will be heading home from Tennessee tomorrow (yeah!) with the 55 Chevy (double yeah!) and a u-haul packed with stuff from Doug's house. His cousin, William, is moving into Doug's place and is going to help fix it up. That'll be really good for us. Sure, it would have been nice to get it fixed up and get it rented or sold right away... but the Lord has other plans. Coincidence that the one house they went to that night was Uncle Roberts where their son just so happened to get a job at a factory in Lewisburg (a town of roughly 10,000 people), and just so happened to need a place to live. Coincidence? I don't think so!

Okay, it's about 9:30 and time to start gearing the kids up to go to bed! Let the yelling and the fighting begin! LOL

I leave you with this....

You simply will not be the same person two months from now after consciously giving thanks each day for the abundance that exists in your life. And you will have set in motion an ancient spiritual law: the more you have and are grateful for, the more will be given you.
Sarah Ban Breathnach

Chris, Car, Cat and Christ

Chris's birthday went.... okay. Jonathan had a singing performance in the afternoon, Kayte was out with my mom, the high schoolers were out on the Church RV trip, and Chris and I found ourselves alone in the house for a few hours. What did I do?????? I took a nap. Sigh..... I was feeling really awful the entire day because I couldn't really do anything for him. We left about 5 pm to attend a 50th Wedding Anniversary party for some friends of ours in South Tampa. Jonathan sang at it, and we had a good time. We went to pick up Kayte from my mom's house afterwards - and found that they had really gone all out for Chris's birthday. Hearing that he hadn't had a cake, they went out and bought him one. There was an AWESOME ice cream cake on the table, the table was even all set for us to just walk in and party, oh - and a HUGE balloon that when you touched it sang Happy Birthday! It was really nice and extremely thoughtful. Thank you so much mom - I love you so much!

Sunday was pretty much an awful day. I don't want to say that Chris and I fought... because that's not true at all. But our marriage is -- stressed. There is no one thing identifiable... but - we've been through a LOT... not just with the kids... with everything that has happened with us and to us over the past 20+ years. I don't ever blog about that kind of stuff in my blog - this blog is just for the Rho-cchini kind of things that go on. But I think it's important for you all to know we are experiencing something and that prayers - heavy duty prayers - are very much appreciated.

Chris's mom came to the house at 6:30 am Monday morning to take Chris to Tennessee. The plan was to drive up in her truck, stay in Doug's home, spend a few days and make the house either rent-able or sell-able. Then rent a u-haul and bring back some of Doug's things and tow back his 55 Chevy Convertible. Well.... you know what they say about the best made plans.....

They arrived late last night and found that the electric, gas and water were all off. They kind of thought that might happen, but when they got out of the car and it was in the twenties it took on a whole new importance. They assessed the home and ended up sleeping at Chris's Uncle Robert's house about 45 min away.

Then there's the house.... Doug was a very smart and frugal man. He has a cute little house on the main strip of this little town in Tennessee, Lewisburg. He figured he only needed a few rooms in this house... he needed a bedroom, bathroom, kitchen and living room. So... many years ago he walled off the back half of his house, turned one of the bedrooms into a kitchen, added a bathroom - and - wallah! A rent-able back half of the house = steady income with no effort. From what Chris assessed last night, the house needs quite a bit of work. Several of the rooms need paint, some of the siding needs replaced, and there was a roof leak in the back house bathroom which rotted out the floor (meaning roof and floor repair). Chris quickly realized that this was more than a few days worth of work. But we need to do something - we are paying a mortgage on a house that is just sitting there.

Of course, before I went to bed last night I prayed for this to somehow work out. And you know - sometimes it's as if, on certain things, I have a direct line right to God.

This morning Chris called and said that while he was at Uncle Robert's last night, they were talking about his son (in his 20's) who was getting a factory job right in Lewisburg... how nice it would be for him to live closer to his job. Well, they are now discussing the possibility of him living in Doug's home and taking care of it (maybe even making repairs). He'd live rent-free while doing this, and would just have to pay the electric, gas, phone and water. What a deal for him, huh? I hope and pray that everything will work out okay. If he's able to live there and actually get the house into shape, that would be AWESOME and an answer to our prayers. While at the same time, helping him out! Win - win!

I'm real excited about getting the Chevrolet down here. It's just fun to drive around. Anytime you can have 'fun' just getting into a vehicle and going down to the store - that's pretty cool. For those of you who would like to see the car before we get it down here... here's a photo:









Pretty sweet, eh? We'd like to sell it - so if you know any car enthusiast who would be willing to part with $50,000 drop me a line.

Last night was just - insanely busy. With Chris out of town, getting everything done is up to me. I got out of work at 5pm and at 5:15 Dottie (Guardian Ad Litem) came over. We talked for about an hour and then Jay, the new Hillsborough Kids (like DCF) worker came over. He's real new to the system, a very tall black gentleman, and when you talk to him you can tell he's trying to remember what procedure is next. Jay had not yet met the kids, so we had a rather long visit. We all sat around the dinner table and just talked. This is the kids third DCF person, and it was amazing to me to see how the kids acted differently to Jay than they did to any of the other people before him. They assumed he was cool and assumed he liked hip-hop and rap. It was just -- different.

Jay left just before 7 pm and I had to run Justin over to baseball practice and I went to Church for praise team rehearsal (which I was late to, but there was not much I could do about it). I got back home just in time to tell all the kids to get to bed. Of course, when it's close to 10 and they are just going to bed, it's more like 11 before anyone actually gets to sleep. Frustrating! Needless to say, nobody got up on time this morning. Sheesh!

So.... funny story of something that happened last night. Kids are in bed, hubby is gone, so I thought I'd take a hot bath. Well, Jinx (one of our cats) loves water. Sometimes he'll get in the tub or even in the pool if we are swimming. He sat on the toilet and watched me take a bath for quite a while. Then he gets down, picks up my panties that are on the floor, and leaves the bathroom. I was yelling at him, clapping my hands, but he wouldn't drop them. Sheesh! A few minutes later he returns to the toilet to continue looking at the water. Of course, panties are no longer with him. When I get done, I figure the first order of business is to find the panties! Look in my bedroom, not there. Hall, nope. Stairs, nope. Cat litter? Nope. Okay... if it were JUST me and my own kids, I might be fine with just leaving them wherever. But I've got 3 kids in the house that are not my flesh-and-blood. Not to mention a hubby out of town, and I can just picture in my mind him getting back and finding my panties someplace strange and thinking I was up to no good while he was away! So... I've got to find them! I must have searched the house for 30 minutes or more. Finally found them, hidden in a closet. Freaking cat! I return to find Jinx in the bathtub enjoying what was left of the water in the tub. Think he did it on purpose????

Speaking of purpose... another very VERY cool story. Kayla and this boy Michael dated for a very short while a couple of months ago. While they were dating, I told the mom, Cheryl, that she should come to our church sometime. As it turns out, some of her co-workers also attend VanDyke and so - one day - she came to church. She's been attending for a couple of weeks now, and this past Sunday, she accepted Jesus as her Lord and Savior for the very first time! How awesome is that??!! Cheryl was also my 'parking lot angel' from a blog a month or so ago. She wrote me an email to share the great news, and in it she mentioned how sometimes God puts people in your lives for a very good reason. Just the two of us meeting as briefly as we had... and things have changed in our lives for the better because of it. Truly amazing. God is great, isn't he? Hey, Cheryl.... welcome to the family of God... I'm so happy for you!

I'll try to blog as much as I can this week, but while Chris is out I'm not sure how much time I'll have. Although, if yesterday was any indication of the chaos that will continue to happen as the week progresses, I'll need to blog often as a way to relieve stress!

I better run... but will leave you with this for today:
You are not here merely to make a living. You are here in order to enable the world to live more amply, with greater vision, with a finer spirit of hope and achievement.
Woodrow Wilson

Joy Is A Choice

We've been insanely busy... so busy that I don't even know where to start with this blog.

Thursday was an average but busy day. I took the morning off work to take Justin in to get his filling because his tooth had broken. They took care of that pretty quickly (warning me that he was close to needing a root canal and they hope the filling will suffice). Then I took Jonathan to the doctors - he had been complaining of stomach pain the past couple of days... waking me up on Wednesday and Thursday night in pain. When I examined him I saw that the pain was coming from a tight lump over his belly button which I was afraid might be an umbilical hernia (I've had this before). But, the doctor thinks it's just a pulled muscle as it's pretty small to be a hernia - but said we'd know if it got bigger if it were a hernia instead. So... $35 to be told 'wait and see'... perfect.

I went to work Thursday afternoon and worked my buns off. 4:55 I get a call from Annie from the Children's home (she is meeting me tonight just after 5). She's at the house early. I leave right at 5 to go home to meet with her. Pest control guys are at the house when I get there - which is a whole other story for another day. Finish with pest control and meet with Annie. She takes a history on the family for their records (we talked for about an hour). I still don't know what it is that they can do for us... but anything at this point would be great. At a minimum getting Justin therapy for free would be extremely helpful.

Everyone ate dinner and the kids were getting ready for bed. Someone mentions the 'smell' in the house. I smell it as well... it smells electrical. Not good. Everyone begins to search the house to see if we can pinpoint where its coming from. Open the closet under the stairs and a puff of smoke bellows out and the smell of burning electrical is extremely strong. Chris takes a look... it's the water heater. He removes some cover that exposes some electrical wires and there's water all inside the thing. Not a lot of water... but enough to short out all the wires that were in there. Must have been leaking for a while because the water was a dark rust color.

I should mention here that hot water, which I have always thought of as a luxury, is really not all that much of a luxury. Holy COW having no hot water is terrible. Showers in particular were not so great this morning. You know what they say.. "You don't know how much you'll miss it until it's gone".... yeah... that's very much true!

So.... today we are trying to replace a 50-gallon water heater. Just what I need when I'm already stressed about Christmas, right? Jeez Louise. The good news is that Chris should be able to replace this himself. The bad news is that this is $350 that we weren't counting on needing to spend. Sigh............

So - speaking of Chris - tomorrow is his BIRTHDAY! Happy Birthday honey! (LOL, he hates it when I use underlines, italics and bold) He'll be 39! THIRTY NINE. Wooow. We really have no plans for his birthday - the high schoolers will be on a church RV trip, Jonathan will be out at noon for an afternoon performance and we are meeting him for a party he's singing at later that night. The evening party is catered (a 50th wedding anniversary) so dinner is covered. I just wish I could so something for him for his birthday. He's been dying to see a movie - we haven't been to the movies in probably a year.

I feel really bad because for my birthday he did something really special - invited my family and my best friend to have dinner at my favorite restaurant - Carrabas. When I returned the house was PARTY CENTRAL with balloons and streamers everywhere. Sigh.... but we'll be gone all night on his birthday night. So... I don't know WHAT to do for him. :o(

Okay - enough of my sobbing - water heater and birthday woes - bah humbug. Let's talk about some great stuff happening in the Rho-cchini house!

We are excited about going to Evie and Jimmie's house for Thanksgiving dinner. (Chris's mom and step-dad) Evie always makes AMAZING dinners. About a month ago the kids asked what we were doing for Thanksgiving. My plan was to stay home and make a turkey dinner myself. I mean... a family of 6 shouldn't invite themselves anywhere - that's a lot to feed. But the kids asked about going to Evie's house, saying that they had always 'heard' about her Thanksgiving and had never experienced it. I asked Evie, and she agreed to make her amazing meal. Funny the kids used the phrase 'experienced' when it comes to this dinner because it really is an experience. She doesn't make just Turkey, stuffing, green beans and potatoes. Oh no, not Evie. Her list of items are pages long. That's right... pages. Not cooking much myself (before I got all the kids) just looking at her list used to give me heart palpitations. I'll blog after the dinner and let you all know what was on the menu. Trust me... if you don't personally know my mother-in-law you are not going to believe what all she makes. She's an incredible cook, an amazing giver - giving of her time, talent and anything else she thinks you might need, and did I mention an incredible cook? Yeah.... I can't wait for the kids to have this 'experience'. And - Evie - if you are reading this... you really are all that amazing for opening your home to all of us this Thanksgiving. I love you.

Kayla Justin and Kayte's grandmother Gwen wrote and asked me to tell her what the kids wanted for Christmas. I gave her the list and told her to just tell me what she was going to get so that I could get the rest. She's getting EVERYTHING on Kayla, Justin and Kayte's list! That's right folks, I said everything! I'm still not completely believing it... but I guess time will tell. I told you she was a remarkable woman! She's also getting Jonathan the shoes he asked for. Very very nice indeed. This still leaves me worried about Jonathan feeling a little 'less' - but we're just going to talk about the great stuff here, right! Right. Moving on....

So I was thinking yesterday how much God does things and how often they are totally NOT what you'd expect Him to do. I mean... last year the 'angel' getting the kids their Christmas was unbelievable. This year, sure - I was thinking it would be great if that happened again - but God had other plans. Julie is buying her kids (and some for Jono) things. This is HUGE when you think about where Julie was mentally last year. Doped up... incoherent... unable to even sit up for an hour. This year she's working and drug-free. WOW! Then I was concerned because Julie was buying the kids whatever she wanted, not asking them what THEY wanted. Did I pray about this, you BET I did! How does God respond? Grandma Gwen has stepped up and offered to fill their Christmas lists. Hmmm... that God... he's one amazing God isn't he?

He amazes me all the time.

I better run. Time to go home to the water heater fiasco. I'll leave you with this for today:

A happy person is not a person with certain set of circumstances, but rather a person with certain set of attitudes -Hugh Downs

YOU HAVE A CHOICE TO CHOOSE ANYTHING IN THIS WORLD!!!

Why don't you choose 'JOY' as your choice?

The happiest things in the world are not things, they are just emotions. Everybody aspire to live their life happily to the fullest, but many times situations go wrong and expectations invite worries. Happy, Jovial, Joy, Ecstatic - no matter how you say it - a feeling of joy is uplifting and satisfying. It's a state we all want to be in, but too many of us don't know how to experience the joy.

What will make you joyful and happy? Finding the perfect job or spouse? A shiny new car? Your dream house? Even things which appear to create joy have their downsides.

Every human being wishes to be happy, but the metamorphosis of the mental perception towards being with happiness should be the ultimate choice. You can change yourself by changing the way you feel. So, try not to look at change as an impossible task. But remember, we do all have the choice and the power to change IF WE WANT. Explore the happiness that is lying within you always.

After GOD created a human being with all the emotions, he was searching for the place to keep the happiness, thinking that by default happiness may not have the purpose of creation. Other administrators suggested him to keep Happiness at the peak mountain of Himalayas and somebody said it is easy for them to find and achieve, then other proposals like hiding in to the deep see, locking in the rocky den was also denied by the god, because they seems to be easy. Then an intelligent proposal emerged in to the god's mind to keep the happiness within the human being. Since then the man is searching around the world and trying to find the 'Joy' with things, relationships, expectations, money, power and other tangibles.

Joyful people take responsibility for their own happiness. Joy is a choice. A small flower at our garden, Baby's smile, Sunrise like simple beauties of life also can bring happiness to our life provided if we have attitude. You can create joy when you change your faulty beliefs and thoughts. Joy is more than happiness, health and wellness. The good news is that we all have room for change and can do it by checking our responses to the world and different situations in our life. Love unconditionally, reduce self-interest while developing your social interest and self-help to be at peace and have positive perceptions.

Wishing, hoping, feeling and being with joy is the complete purpose of life.

I wish your only choice would be to WORK WITH JOY.

Jesus In Action

Oh lordie..... Julie calls a minimum of 5 times a day now. That's an estimate, but if anything it's estimated on the low end. She called me three times on Monday before noon, while at work. When asked by my other sister Katie why I didn't tell her to stop calling my work, I realized it was because I had slowly become accustomed to it.

I know Julie is really excited about Christmas. When I tell you that she calls all the time I don't think you can fully understand what I mean by that. She calls from home before she leaves the house, she calls multiple times from the stores on a daily basis asking questions that need to be answered 'right then', she calls on her way into work, and she calls during breaks while at work. But while telling me all of the things she's buying, she insists on telling me how much everything costs. Just yesterday she told me in one phone call that she had spent $600 on clothes for Justin because he was a boy and was harder to buy for so she didn't get him much of anything else. Then in another conversation she told me that she had spent $120 each on Jeans or something like that for each girl. A week or so ago she told me that she spent $100 on cologne for Chris and Justin. Another conversation yesterday was in asking what size sweater and pants I wore. Chris and I have talked at length about the whole thing. He thinks I should just ignore the money concern. (The concern being where is she getting it all from) As her sister, it's hard to do. But, Lord help me, I'm trying.

The kids have provided me with their Christmas lists. It's sweet because there is not a lot of expensive things on their lists... which kind of surprised me.

Kayte wants:
Socks
Flip Flops
Lip gloss
Nail Polish

Justin wants:
Yellow and Blue Porsche 911 twin turbo car with racing stripes (he has my sense of humor apparently)
Black Air Force 1 Shoes
Socks
Box of Crest Whitening Strips
Burnable CD's
Madden 2007 for X-Box

Kayla wants:
Hairspray / gel
Shoes
Clothes
Spider man book bag, blanket and/or slippers
Socks
Hair bows
The Little Mermaid II DVD
Stereo / Radio for her room

Jonathan wants:
Keyboard
Xbox or Nintendo DS games
Money
A fan for his bedroom
Shoes (Air Force 1 or Riddles)
New camcorder for funny videos (the one we had broke)
$150k in Runescape money (an online game he, Justin and Chris all play-fake money)
A computer in his bedroom (not gonna happen!)
To not get yelled at too much

We'll see what we can do. I am so relieved that each kid has given me things that won't cost too much money.

It's been a tradition for Chris and I to put most of the gifts under the tree from "Santa"... but Julie won't do that with any of her presents - she thinks it's dumb - she wants there to be no doubt in their mind that she bought all the gifts. But, lots of inexpensive things on their lists mean that I can wrap up some lip gloss or things that are extremely inexpensive and put it under the tree from Santa. I tried to explain to Julie why we put presents from Santa... that there is a really good feeling you get when the kids look at you and say "HOW did you get me all of this stuff???" and you look back at them and tell them it wasn't you, it was 'Santa'. And 'Santa' - to me - isn't a big fat man with a white beard... Santa is the magic of Christmas... the family that comes together to get gifts.... the extra money you just happened to get in time to buy something special for the kids in your lives.... the calendar that just so happens to work out perfectly so that you can spend time with everyone special in your life. When I put "Santa" on presents, it's really stands for "Jesus in Action" - no doubt. But Julie doesn't believe in all of that, and she's entitled to her beliefs.

I should also tell you that we have 2 out of the 4 kids progress reports - and, so far - everything looks great. Kayla has one D. Justin has all A's, B's and C's. Yippeeeeeeeeeee. This is a HUGE improvement over last 9 weeks' progress reports. Jonathan and Kayte will get their progress reports tomorrow. Cross your fingers... say a prayer..........

I'll leave you with this for today:

The real person you are is revealed in the moments when you're certain no other person is watching. When no one is watching, you are driven by what you expect of yourself.
Ralph S. Marston, Jr.

Convenient Memory Loss

I forgot to tell you something about the visit with Julie on Wednesday night. We were in the car and Julie said something about last Christmas. She said to the kids "Ya'll said Christmas last year was good, but I remember it being horrible. You didn't really have a good Christmas last year did you? Because I really want to have a good Christmas for the first time WITH you guys THIS year." The kids laughed, and asked her if she was serious about last year - saying that it was great. They felt good, (they were safe), and that some nice family from the Church bought them gifts. Then the kids actually said "the only part that was bad last year was when we were with you."

Sigh.............

What do you say to that?? I mean... it was true. In talking to Julie I realized that she had completely forgotten anything that happened last year. She didn't remember sleeping in all morning and afternoon. She didn't remember yelling at the kids. It's sad really. She said that she was terribly 'depressed'. I don't really think she was depressed, I think she was drugged. At that time she was still smoking pot and she took her medications to 'feel' however she wanted to feel... drugged... numb... sleepy... etc.

But in the car... in this conversation... she was pushing the kids to tell her that they didn't have a good time last year. Now... I'm an adult and I don't need their validation to know or remember how great last year was. But I don't want Julie to 'take' this memory away from them either.

Should I write her and tell her exactly what happened last Christmas? Should I ask that my mom or Katie talk to her about it instead? Hmm... I like that idea better actually. Because, it's a little awkward when I was the one here last year and I'm going to be the one here again this year.

I understand that she was in a 'fog' last year, I understand it was not good for her. But I don't want her to try and take that AWAY from the kids either. I am 100% positive that she was trying to manipulate the conversation the other night to get the kids to tell her that they did not have a good Christmas last year. But ya know.... it is what it is. And - frankly - she was horrible last year. This will be a great year for Julie, I'm sure of it. She's going to have a blast watching her kids on Christmas morning... eating dinner Christmas afternoon... all of it not in a drugged fog. I'm SO excited for my sister to experience this!

Katie or mom... will one of you guys volunteer to talk to Julie about it.... help her remember and ask her to please not take it away from the kids????

It was a little crisp out this morning... probably in the 70's with the high today in the 80's (which is cooler than the 90's!) -- so I've got my Christmas music on at my desk at work today. There is a window in the door in front of me and I can see outside. When nobody else is here and I feel like making it somewhat like winter here... I can turn the AC down making it nice and cool in the office - look outside - and pretend that it's chilly outside as well. Ah... the fun of a Florida winter! LOL

And on comes "Christmas Shoes". The song that used to make me cry every time I heard it back when I was ill and thin and couldn't eat. I sit here now with more weight on me, stomach touching my forearms as I type - but happy knowing that I'm going to be here to care for my kids and their kids in years to come. And now the song is at the part where he gives the kid the money to buy the shoes for his sick mom.... It's funny how many good feelings are tied to Christmas. The world would be so much of a better place if we all lived like that every single day. Why only around the holidays do we think of doing these kinds of wonderful things?

I had an uncomfortable experience with the chorus (Toast of Tampa) a few minutes ago. I had agreed to take over the "Members Only" portion of the website. However, there is another section of the website that is for visitors. I was on the phone a couple of days ago talking to the chorus president and she talked to me about doing this part of the website as well. I said I didn't mind... as long as it's something I can do in my spare time when I'm not at home, it was fine with me. She sent an email to me, another management team member, the director and apparently the person who was resigning from this job because of 'life issues'. In this email she was confirming that Tina would be taking over the job. Well... apparently the woman who was resigning wasn't really resigning from this particular job and she sent an email back to all of us in which she expressed how very upset she was. Yes, I now remember what it was I didn't like about the chorus before! The politics and trying to keep 120+ women happy. It'll drive any person insane as it's just not possible to do! The good thing about my leaving the chorus for 2 years and then coming back is that I'm now able to say 'yes' to what I want to do and 'no' to what I don't want to do!

I have continued to pray about chorus and what to do about Calgary next year. I've decided that I really don't care. I enjoy Tuesday nights very much, and I'm going to continue to go on Tuesday nights and sing my heart out. If the director or my section leader knew I was not thinking of going to Calgary, they'd probably be a little upset. But ya know, it's not about them, it's about me. I'm doing what I can do. And that has to be good enough. :o) Do the possible and leave the impossible to God, right?

That's all for today... I've got to run. Please keep all of us in your thoughts and prayers.

Robbed At Gunpoint

Julie came over for her visit last night. Since the woman from the Children's home cancelled, I was able to spend the evening with her, supervising the visit. It started off awkward as Julie insisted we all sit down and watch a DVD of a stand up comedy woman named "Monique". I swear to you, in one minute's time, she must have said the word "fuck" in some manner more than 30 times. I am far from a prude... and I found it extremely offensive. After about 2 minutes of 'waiting for it to get better' the kids (Kayte and Kayla) insisted that I turn it off. Thank goodness! Julie thought she was really funny - figures.

The rest of the night went okay, we had dinner at Burger King, went to Walmart to pick up some fabric for one of Kayla's classes, and then Julie left. She was going into work late (9 to close, which is 11 pm). She works at Circle K in Ruskin.

She was the only one working about about 10 minutes before 11. There was a guy in the store cleaning the floors, and Julie was thinking about closing a little early. She changed her mind and figured it was only 10 minutes and began to count lottery tickets (apparently part of the end-of-night procedure).

Just then, two men came in wearing 'scream' costumes... one holding a knife the other a shotgun. The men demanded that she open the register and give them all the money, which she did - grabbing the 'bait' money first so the police were silently notified. I can only imagine what my sister was feeling at this time.... I can't imagine having to go through this.

The gunman continued to press her for more money. First, asking her to give him any money under the drawer, but there was nothing under there (he checked himself). The then told her to open the safe. When she explained it was a time-safe and she couldn't do so, he jammed the shotgun into her chest and again demanded she open it. At this point poor Julie was frantically telling him it was not possible. He continued to push the barrel of the shotgun into her chest and she put her hands up as high as she could and continued telling him she couldn't do it. The gunman got angry that she was holding her hands so high and demanded she put them down. Again, I can only imagine what my sister was thinking and feeling at this time - but I'm sure her thoughts were of her kids... how they lost their daddy and didn't need to lose their mom.

Finally the robbers took the money they already had from the register, grabbed some lottery tickets and left. Julie had a panic attack and the police of course came out. Apparently the same two guys had hit another convenience store just down the road only 5 minutes prior. The did catch the guys.... they were 14 and 16 years old. Amazing.

Circle K, being the people-friendly corporation they are, gave Julie the day off today - without pay. Sucks, but she's happy to be home and that she doesn't have to work today.

It got me to thinking how quickly life can change.... or end. My Lord... if Julie had been killed last night.............. I can't even imagine how horrible that would be. I then felt bad that I had blogged all the horrible things about Julie, but had never really shared the good things about her with all of you.

One thing I remembered after Ron had passed -- you tend to remember the good things and forget about the bad things after someone is gone. How wonderful - yet sad - is that? Wouldn't you want to keep in mind all the good things while someone is still with you? So - here are some really good things about Julie:

Julie has always had a heart the size of Texas. Even if she was doing something wrong, typically her heart was in the right spot while doing it. She also rarely does something just to be mean. On a rare occasion she will get very angry and vengeful, but for the most part, day-in and day-out, she doesn't do anything mean. She loves her kids more than anything in the world. Sure she may do things that are totally wrong, but never because she doesn't love them. (Boy, it's hard to do this and not put in the 'but' for the bad things... this is hard work, but good therapy!) What I think is most important for any of you that read the blogs and don't personally know Julie to try to realize is that -- she is mentally ill. She isn't a horrible person or a bad woman. She does the best she can with what her brain tells her to do when given a set of circumstances.

Please keep Julie in your thoughts and prayers today. I haven't been able to talk to her yet and am just hoping that she is doing okay today.

Just One Of Those Days

Ever have 'one of those days' where there didn't seem to be enough time and you couldn't possibly squeeze ONE more thing into your 'to-do list'? That's my day today!

I'm busy at work and tonight is a nightmare once I get home. Julie insists on seeing the kids tonight and being at my house at 5 pm. Justin & Chris are leaving for a baseball game at 5:30 and Annie from the Children's home is coming over a little after 5 to meet with me for a couple hours to discuss things. Annie could potentially be a great help. Her job through the Children's home is to find out what I need to be a good caregiver to these kids and find me the assistance I need to make it happen. I've met with her once, and tonight she and I are going to sit down and write up some personal goals for me. I like making lists and having goals, so this is right up my alley. I'm looking forward to it... but tonight should be insane at my house. It always is when Julie comes over. Sigh.........

Speaking of Julie, she's probably called me 20 times in the past two days about Christmas. She must have a ton of money right now because she's going nuts buying her kids things. (For anyone who read the post a few days back - disregard anything I said about Christmas gifts for Julie's kids - she's getting them plenty of things. If you want to help out... get something for Jonathan!) She called and told me that she bought Justin $50 cologne, clothes, video games - all kinds of stuff.

Today she called because she wanted to get them all cell phones. I told her NO - she was not allowed to do that. We haggled over the 'why' I would say that, and I just told her... we were using the possibility of getting them cell phones as a reward for achieving honor roll at school. Giving them cell phones just as a gift would mean they no longer had to strive for that goal. I also mentioned that I did not feel Kayla should have a cell phone now, regardless of the situation and who bought it. Given her excessive behavior, I thought this was a bad idea. Julie insisted that through Metro PCS she couldn't 'go over' or charge anything... but Julie is the one with a past due bill to Alltel for $6,000 for the last cell phones she bought the kids - so I'm not going to listen to her on this one. I said no, and that's the end of the story. She said "fine, I'll just get them so they can have them when they move back home with me". Fricking great man.... now the kids are going to think I'm a meanie!

I'm going to call her in a bit and tell her that she is not allowed to tell the kids she's going to reward them with cell phones when they move back home. I can't control what she does when they do finally go home, I know that. But - Chris and I talked about these cell phones at length. We have such little control over them now - and the kids seemed really motivated to get good grades with the pending reward of a prepaid cell. I don't need Julie to sweep in and take what little control we do have away, ya know? Am I making any sense here at all?

Took a break from the blog for a few hours and came back. Annie cancelled for tonight - thank goodness! She's coming next week. Yeah!

Also, Justin broke a tooth today - so now I need to get him into the dentist. The bestest sister in the whole wide world (Katie) has been taking the kids for their dental check-ups so I'm hoping she can take him to this one as well.

I need to blog about the show I had this past weekend. It's hard to explain, but it was not nearly as fun as I had hoped it would be. In fact, if I had one word to use to describe the experience it would have to be "disappointing". Usually when you go on a stage in a barbershop performance, you give your all, do your best, try to reach every single person there with your voice and emoting, and leave it all out on the stage. This time, it just was not that great and I can't put my finger on why. Our director had a family emergency that day - his grandmother who has been ill slipped into a coma that morning, so he was a little 'out' of it for the day and evening. We typically feed off the energy our director puts out and multiply it times 100, it usually makes for a pretty jazzed performance. Maybe that was it. I know I'm falling on a sword because there was one time that he looked right at me with a 'oh my goodness could you sing that any worse' look on his face... and maybe I'm making more of that than was actually there, but I knew I was singing something wrong at that time after 'the look'.

Maybe I'm just seriously doubting whether or not I'm really supposed to go to Calgary next year. We're talking more than $800 just in air-fare, and once you throw in food and hotel for a week, I'm looking at a couple thousand in expenses... and frankly, I couldn't come up with that right now if my life depended on it. I clearly know that it feels good to be back in the chorus. I enjoy getting out on Tuesday nights TREMENDOUSLY. Having that time and using that God-given gift for just me feels really great. I know that's why God wants me to be there Tuesday nights. But does He want me to go to Calgary next year? I feel like I'm supposed to be just enjoying Tuesday nights and - if I get to go to Calgary I get to go. If I don't... I don't. But it's not that easy... there's preparations that need to be made... hotel rooms, airfare, passport. UGG. Give it to God, Tina.... Give it to God.

So.... Halloween went well last night. Chris and I sat out front (it was just perfect weather!) with the fog machine and candy and handed it out the the kids who came by. The kids went by themselves door to door (the first time I haven't gone with Jonathan). Here is a photo of Jonathan - he was a ghoul who got run over by a car...... ain't he cute???

Yeah... that's my boy!


I better run... it's about time to run home for today. Julie's probably at the house waiting for me. I should say a quick prayer for patience before I get there.

Colossians 3:12-19
Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.
Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another.
Forgive as the Lord forgave you.
And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.
Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace.
And be thankful.
Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God.
And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus,
giving thanks to God the Father through him.