Prayers Needed Please

I know I had such an awesome blog last time... tons of good news. It's great remembering how very blessed we are - sometimes it gets so chaotic that it's easy to forget.

Well, the wheels kinda came off everything yesterday. Sure... I knew things with Julie were bad and that the kids were taking it VERY hard. They totally and completely hate it that their mom is so mentally ill - and they hate it even more when she cuts herself.

Yesterday we found out that one of the kids has begun cutting. I'm not going to say who for privacy reasons - but it was a huge blow to all of us here. I'm also going to ask any of you reading this blog (Julie - that includes you if you are reading this) NOT to say anything to any of them. I'm blogging about it because it's affecting ME and the family unit. It's a stressor... and it needs TONS of prayers. But please - keep it to yourself and in prayers only.

I guess we always realized that the kids had a high probability of the kids having some issues. We've already seen some of that in them -- but cutting. Oh lordy... I don't know that I'm equipped to handle this. Yet, sadly, I know I am - after all the years with Julie.

I'm angry... angry that these kids, who have been through so much, now have even more to deal with. Angry with myself to some degree for not noticing it earlier and for not equipping them with enough to be able to handle stress without hurting themselves. Ugg.

So... how are we handling it? With love, compassion and understanding. That might seem like a no-brainier - but the first reaction really is to get upset. But... I grew up with this, ya know? Still, it makes me SO SAD that one of them is modeling her behavior.

Another one of the kids is FURIOUS with Julie because of this. I mean... there really is no doubt that it is Julie's fault, at least to some degree. I mean... it is a behavior that she did all of their lives - whether she hid it or not, she's done it all of their lives. She talks about how much better she feels after doing it. And -- truth be told -- I'm damn angry with Julie myself.

Surely she should understand that there are consequences to things she does. Surely she should understand that things she does and has done has repercussions that go way beyond her. Yet... in the mind of a 14-15 year old kid -- if that's where you want to put Julie's mind -- is she really capable of fully understanding those consequences?

But we continue on here at the Rhocchini house. Justin had a baseball game tonight. Kayla is working. Jono is playing a video game. Kayte is watching 'Rent'. Life continues...

Julie called yesterday to tell me she's getting out of the hospital today (Tuesday). She thought that I had told her that she could come over again for her weekly visits and start calling after she got out of the hospital. Because, in Julie's mind, being in the hospital means you are sick, getting out means you are better. I told her that I never told her that - I told her that I didn't want her talking to the kids until she was mentally better - and that Chris himself talked to her personally and told her that HE would make the determination of WHEN that was. She asked "How is Chris going to know when I'm better?" I said.... "I don't know Julie, you'll have to ask him". For my mental health -- it's GREAT that I'm not the one making that decision right now.

For those wondering, this is not the really big thing that I mentioned about in an earlier blog. There is still much going on that I really can't talk about right now. But... I ask for you please to keep us in your prayers.

Good news... let's see.......... Our vacation starts in only 4 days!!! Did I tell you I'm getting my first tattoo when we are there? Yeah.... oh - AND - Kayla has agreed to let Brian (my favorite step-brother-in-law) work with her tattoo (Tigger flipping the bird) and see if we can make it less offensive. Maybe holding something, or another finger up to make it look like a peace sign instead of flicking someone off. Good news there, eh? I'll leave you with a drawing of what my tattoo is supposed to look like:

Kayte's Birthday

Today was Kayte's birthday! For today and the next two days, we will have 3 kids in the house that are 14 years old. Kayte is 14, Jonathan turned 14 in February and Justin is 14 - will be 15 this Wednesday. Too odd that three of them are the same age - albiet for only a short while.

We had a very good day today. The kids played games and on the computer, swam in the pool, I baked a cake and decorated it for Kayte's birthday, we ordered Little Caesers pizza ($5 each - can't beat that!), and Katie, Tony and Mom came over to wish Kayte a happy birthday. It was a very good day.

I awoke at 7 am with another headache, but took a migrane pill and it's been good ever since. Julie called today and wanted to know if she could talk to Kayte since it was her birthday. Having talked this over with Chris before I hand, we allowed her to talk to her - I listened in of course. Julie must have said "none of this is my fault" at least 3 times and "I love you" no less than 8 times. It was really sad.

Julie thinks when she's out of the hospital everything will be back to normal, but I don't think so. I don't know when things will be normal again. Heck, I can't say that I even know what "normal" is supposed to be anymore. But I know that it's not going to magically happen when she gets out of the hospital. Julie always thinks things will magically happen: She'll get stomach surgery and magically eat better the day after. She'll get the kids back and magically be mentally stable. She'll get out of the hospital and magically start putting the kids needs before her own. Boy oh boy - that is the big one, isn't it.

A friend of Julie's wrote to me privately and -- well -- her words gave me great comfort. She too feels that Julie needs long term treatment (actually her word was institutionalized)... and it's nice hearing that from someone who isn't family - why it is that it feels nice hearing that from a friend not a family member I can't really say - but it's true. She told me that Julie is pushing herself to her own death all because she can't get what she wants and that Julie is constantly threatening to do things only to get her way - not what was best for the kids... and that it's always all about Julie. Again, nice to hear from someone outside the family, ya know? And most importantly, it was awesome knowing that someone out there that I didn't even really know has been praying for us - this whole time. I'm humbled by that... truly humbled. I know mom reads the blogs... I know some of my friends do... and I suppose I know there are a few others. One only needs to look at the page count of over 11,000 to know lots of others are out there. But -- my goodness -- y'all are out there praying for us?!?! Humbled. Truly humbled.

Okay, so what else is new??? Oh my goodness -- are y'all out there praying for our financial health? Yeah! I thought so! Remember the other day I said Chris and I had gone to a christian financial center. They take a look at EVERYTHING... bills, credit cards, mortgage, etc. What we found out was -- we are not in 'trouble' really. We have very little credit card debt, and have hardly anything we could 'cut down'. Our financial strain is -- what did she call it? Oh yeah... "situational". She confirmed our thoughts about the kids social security money, it's a wash for our food bill. She couldn't believe how much food the kids ate on a weekly basis. She couldn't really recommend anything that would save us more than $50 a month. So... confirmed that we just need to make more money. But - it was nice hearing from a financial professional that there's nothing more we could do, and that we are not being extravagant by any means.

Which brings me to Chris's awesome business. His job is going very well right now. He's busy... working sometimes 6 days a week... and making good money at it. Prayers right now could be that it would STAY that way. When you start a new business like his, there are seasons and times when you are busy - then times it's slow. We need it to stay busy for a while... so please keep your prayers focused on that. Oh, and if you need a remodel job -- you know where to find me!!

The kids were very happy with me this weekend. My heart is smiling right now because I know what I'm getting ready to tell you and what it shows about these kids awesome and loving hearts. I took a little extra money this weekend and got a set of nails (fingernails) and then - Chris, Jono and I went to the movies last night. Do you know how long it's been since we've seen a movie?? Evan Almighty (two thumbs up by the way) was well worth it. It was great getting out. Kayla, Justin and Kayte were all like: "You guys HAVE to go out! It'll be great!! Please go and have fun!!" They were soooo sweet. And it was really great taking just Jonathan out.

Chris and Jonathan went to see Doug today. He's doing SUPER well Chris says - he even got himself dressed up today! Doug took him to the coke machine and told Chris that instead of leaving him with a few cokes when he visited, if he brought him $1 bills, he could get out in his wheelchair and go get his own cokes - cold! This from a man who didn't even want to get out of bed a week ago. It's really great to see him doing so well. My gosh what a blessing.

I better run - will have lots to do at work tomorrow after missing Friday. Plus it's our last week before our big vacation on the week of July 4th!! I leave you with this for today:

Love and kindness are never wasted. They always make a difference. They bless the one who receives them, and they bless you, the giver.

The Migraine

Julie called my office yesterday and it broke my heart. I had to be firm with her.

She wanted to know if the kids could call HER. When I told her no, that I didn't want her talking TO the kids until she got better mentally - she hung up on me. Then she called back and tried to plead her case. She told me that she thought we should all 'vote' because she knew the kids would vote that they get to talk to her. I told her I don't run a democracy here... that I do what I feel is best for the kids regardless of what THEY think. She got very upset with this. I told her she had to stop calling (I was at work) and she continued to get upset. I told her if she continued to call, I would be forced to get a restraining order and although I didn't want to do that, I would if I needed to.

It broke my heart.

I understand that she also called mom yesterday and talked to her some about it. Funny, she said that the kids talk to her about EVERYTHING and that she knew what they were "doing behind Chris and Tina's back." That bothered me for a long while I must admit. But... I know where they are, who they are with and what time they'll be home. I know they are not doing anything illegal and I know they are not doing drugs. So.... if they do something in-between - well - I'm okay with that. Heck -- I was an ANGEL (ha ha) and even I still did things behind my mom and dad's back. It happens - I know it. Julie said that the kids talked to her about these kinds of things and that she talks to them about hurting herself because they are her "friends". Y'all probably already know my feelings on that -- she should be their mom FIRST and their 'friend' LAST. Sigh...

I am feeling a little better today. I went home from work for a little while yesterday with a migraine. It was HORRID last night -- Chris and I discussed actually going to the emergency room at one point. The migraine meds I had were not working, sinus pills were not working, Advil wasn't working - nothing worked. At one point I thought I should eat (hadn't eaten all day because of it) but that didn't work either. It was just gross as it came back up if ya know what I mean. Yeah, it was that bad of a headache. Chris went to Katie's house to get me some Fioricet and THAT - finally - worked. Thank goodness. I'm home today resting, but am supposed to go back for the afternoon... we'll see how I feel. I think I should take the whole day -- but I hate doing that as I'm their ONLY employee. Sigh...

I should get that Fioricet from my doctor, but she won't give it to me. It has addictive properties - not in the same class as heavy narcotics, but still addictive. And I've never pushed it, but rather I just say 'okay'. Funny that people like Julie get a plethora of medications and people like me, who rarely take medicine and don't ever abuse medications, don't get what they sometimes need.

Chris and I went to see his dad Doug at the Assisted Living Facility on Father's Day and Doug looked HORRIBLE. We walked in and he was not covered with his blanket, laying in bed, a depends covering his front but his 'back end' was sticking out. He had cuts on his legs from falling, and he was nothing short of MISERABLE. There were sticky notes all over the place from his therapist reminding him to get up and stay busy; reminding him that he is in an ALF and NOT a nursing home, so he was supposed to get UP and do fun things (crafts/bingo/etc). Sunday he looked horrible, but on Wednesday Chris went back to see him and bring him some goodies and Doug was much better. He had just gotten in from doing crafts and seemed to be in good spirits. Chris is really going to try and get up there once a week and see him to help him stay that way. I know it's hard for Chris --- Doug used to be SO active and now he can hardly stand up. He used to ride a bike 40 miles a day every single day - we are talking less than 5 years ago. Now he can barely use one leg to push himself in the wheelchair. Sigh....

Speaking of strokes and such -- my Aunt Dolly that I spoke of the other day passed away Tuesday - the same day Julie went missing. 2 am Julie was on the phone with the crisis center and 4 am Aunt Dolly died. But... I'm very happy that Aunt Dolly didn't suffer. She went to the hospital with a stroke and they found cancer - about a week later she passed. I really think that's better than suffering, ya know?

The kids are going to a pool party tonight at their friend Casey's house. Casey is another kid who comes to the house ALL the time and is like one of our adopted kids. Kayla told me this morning that she was going to make SURE Jonathan had a good time. It's hard -- ya know? His 'condition'... Aspergers... just makes him a LOT less social. Last night he was talking about how 'popular' Kayla Justin and Kayte are and how he is just not that way. He's just -- different than they are. But I'm sure Kayla will take good care of him. Out of all 3 of his cousins, he plays best with Kayla. When it's just Kayla and Jono, the two of them get along great. Justin and Kayte with Jonathan can fight like crazy.

I should run... think I'm going to get back to bed and maybe think about seeing the doctor this afternoon.

I will leave you with a poem that Julie just sent to me that Ron wrote for her. Julie used to write poems all the time and at one time she asked Ron to write one for her. When I first read it, I felt horrible for the feelings I had inside. But... I know what Ron was trying to do. He was trying to fill her up with so much love that it would make her 'better' after he was gone. But... Ron could not have foreseen what happened once he left. I'm sure his heart is breaking as he watches events unfold from his seat in heaven. Anyways.... Here is what Ron wrote:

Julie you wanted me to write

A poem about you

But I am not sure

How to put into words

How I feel about you

You are so many things to me

Ok lets see.... where do I start.....

She is careing... sincere... loving... kindhearted....

Honest... loyal... pure and sweet.....

And bipolar

Which means sometimes you are very happy

Then other times your very sad

My poor Julie has had such a difficult life growing up,

I feel very sad for her, I love her with all my heart,

You have told me everything that has happened to you,

And its heartbreaking to say the least

Most men would run, but I love you anyway,

I love you more for your honesty,

So all I wish to do is make life easier for you,

Because you deserve all the TLC you receive,

And a whole lot more

So the next time you see or talk to my Julie,

Tell her you love her,

Because her heart is as big as a globe,

And I want to fill it with nothing but love,

She is my Julie... my baby.... my sweetie.... my caretaker....

My all.... my life.... my love.... my everything...

Forever.

One more thing... here is a photo of me and my two sisters, Julie and Katie. I'm on the left - Julie in the middle, Katie on the right. Oldest to youngest! And no, Julie's eyes are not really that blue... it's contacts. :o)

Quick Update

I'm really not feeling well, but wanted to post a quick update from my last blog.

Julie called the crisis center about 2 am from her cell phone (thinking they couldn't track it) telling them that she had overdosed on prescriptions and that she couldn't stop cutting herself. She was 'uncooperative' and wouldn't give her address to them, so they used GPS to track her and sent police and an ambulance to her house.

At noon the next day we had not heard anything about any of this. We just knew we couldn't reach her. I called the police at noon and told them that we couldn't find her; last we had heard she was up all night cutting herself and told us she "couldn't stop". That's when I found out what happened at 2 am. Mom called the hospital to find out how she was... we found out she was in ICU and that she had given instructions NOT to tell the family anything. Great.

Since then things have gone downhill. Julie is talking to us... but she is NOT doing well at all. She's very depressed.... very 'out of it'... yet manic at the same time (I didn't think that was possible before today).

Quick examples of what I've gone through in the past 24 hours:

* Not knowing where she was/if she was alive/if she was okay.

* Julie calling the house at 6:30 this morning (she wanted to see if I thought she should call Katie to ask her to pick up her car later this week)

* She called again at 7:20 to ask what time she should call me back at work

* She told Justin over the phone: "I wasn't able to talk to anyone ELSE so I HAD to call the crisis center. That's why I'm in the hospital now." **mental note - you are in the hospital now because you are MENTALLY MESSED UP.** (I feel this statement to Justin was made to make him feel guilty about not being able to talk to her that night - remember I wouldn't let them talk to her any more.)

* My sister Katie calling Julie trying to explain how she's driving us nuts on the phone, Katie trying to get Julie to empathize with how stressed she is making my life. But Julie just cries "I just want things to go back the way they used to be. I don't want Ron to be dead. I miss him. Why did he have to die???"

* Mom calling Julie asking for the name of her psychiatrist so that we can talk to her and find out how we should be dealing with Julie. To which Julie replied: "It doesn't matter. As soon as I get out I'm going to kill myself. You'll all be better off with me dead."

Yes... the past 24 hours have been filled with at least a dozen or so phone calls, constant crying about how much she misses Ron and how she wishes things 'were like they used to be', constant talk of suicide and cutting, and I have a ginormous headache.

I called Verizon today to see if it was possible to block the calls. Verizon no longer offers call block. Great. So... Chris - being the awesome, loving, supportive husband that he is - is going to put his foot down. He's going to talk to Julie next time she calls and tell her that she is no longer allowed to call any of our phones until she is mentally stable. And that HE and I will make that determination of when that is. I mean.... a little while ago - when she was working, the kids were in school... she was fine. She'd call once a day, all was good. Well, good being relative when we are talking about Julie.

I just talked to mom again... Julie is still making suicidal threats. "If I can't talk to my kids, I will just kill myself." "If I'm making your Auntie Tina cry, I'll just kill myself."


Driving


Me


Nuts


I am going to rest for a little while. Lay down. Talk to my husband. Life continues on here... Justin is at a baseball game, Kayla at work, Kayte at the store, Jonathan watching a cartoon. Life doesn't 'pause' while Julie is in this horrible crisis. I need to take care of myself and the kids. At one point today I began to get angry that I was so burdened with this. I think I even told my sister Katie "I'm over this. Over it. I just want the madness to stop. I'm tired of all this craziness." And I began to get a wee bit angry with God. "Why me? Why can't I just have my husband and my son at home, live a normal life and be happy??!! " were thoughts running through my mind.

But then I remembered the quote I put on the front page of my blog. "Someday, from your mansion in heaven, you will look back on this day and smile, because you will realize that your light and momentary troubles were achieving for you an eternal glory that far outweighs them all in comparison. (2 Corinthians 4:17-18)" Sure they don't seem so light -- and when the troubles run day after day after day like they have here, they don't seem very 'momentary' either... but God doesn't give us more than we can handle, right? So... I'll be fine.

I'll just keep telling myself that until I believe it. I'll be fine.

Calling and Cutting

I've had a VERY bad day today. Where to start.........

Julie was on a mission today to get into a long-term treatment facility of some sort. Did I mention she's out of the hospital? Yeah... she's out.

Okay, so she's really looking into getting into some kind of rehab facility of some sort for a 21-day or 3-month type program. She's gone through all mental health benefits for the year already, and I think used 2 of her 3 "lifetime" rehab stays available to her. Problem is, rehab is for drug problems - not rehab from prescriptions or mental health/bi-polar kind of things. Okay....

Well, at noon-ish today Julie decides she wants to call our Aunt who is up in Massachusetts and we haven't seen in many many years. Truth is, since my dad died, we don't call her, send mail, cards, etc. Right or wrong, it is what it is. She's really far away and we just can't get up there to visit and have -- lost touch. Well, our Aunt had a stroke and they found cancer and have given her a VERY short period of time to live. Julie wanted to call the family up there today, and mom didn't want to give her the number. A lot of family crisis going on up there and chaos kind of things... I totally understand. Julie was NOT happy. But -truth be told - Julie is manic today... she's calling all the time... and she tends to make everything happening somehow about 'her'. And, mom, knowing this - knowing Julie and the situation up there in Mass -- mom didn't want to give out the number.

Long story short, Julie found out that mom has told family up there about her mental condition. Julie thinks it should be private. But -- how do you keep something like THIS private? I mean... she nearly DIED a couple of months ago... her kids got taken away. We're not talking about long-lost relatives here - they are family members that my mom talks to ALL the time. Julie was pissed; she talked about how when she lived up in Maryland, she and Ron and the kids would lie and hide the fact that Julie was in the hospital or in rehab or having problems. She thought things could be like that. I told Julie that -- lying wasn't the answer for everyone in every situation. If mom wanted to tell her sisters and close family about things - that's up to her.

But anyways, the point being that Julie was really really upset.

At one point while talking to me about all of this, she lashed out at mom: "I bet they don't know about **this** that happened to mom. I'll be she kept THAT private." I said, "Julie, what are you doing? I don't care! Why are you dragging me into this? Just leave it alone!" Julie said "well, I'll bet the family up there doesn't know about **this** that happened to you. I'll bet mom kept that private." At this point I realize she is acting like a 14 year-old child who is not getting what she wants. She was lashing out and trying very hard to get a reaction from me. I wouldn't give it to her and quickly told her I had to go.

Then she calls later in the afternoon telling me what she found out about rehab and her psychological benefits through Tricare. I ask her.... "why are you so interested in going into long-term treatment now?" She responds back with the fact that it'll look good for when she gets the kids back. She realizes she Kayla's too old, but "there is still hope for Kayte".

I explain to her again about the 'permanent' part of "Permanent Guardianship" and that -- even if she gets completely better -- the odds of them up-rooting Kayte her when she's in her senior year of high school are slim to none. She says "I have to have hope, Tina. If I don't think I'm getting my kids back, I have no reason to get better." I then get onto her about how she needs to be getting better for HERSELF, not for any other person. I said that the kids will be grown and out of the house starting their own lives VERY soon, and that she needed to have something other than them in her life. I explained about Amanda, my little girl who is now 21, engaged and later this year will be married and have her own family. But Julie doesn't want their lives to go on in any direction other than hers. She went on and on about how they are going to move back home after they turned 18.

It was just Sad.

She then said.... "If I were home and I had no kids or knew they weren't coming home, I would be smoking pot and taking all the drugs I wanted because... it feels good." WHAT?? I couldn't believe my ears. So the ONLY thing, admittedly - ONLY thing - keeping her off pot and drugs is her belief that the kids are coming home? What a pile of crap. With that, I realized that I was - for sure - talking to a child and I just let it go and hung up.

Tonight Chris and I went to a Christian financial counselor trying to figure out how to make our money stretch. We came home -- oh Lordy -- where to start with all of this. Chris came home today and 1) there were guys leaving our house walking down the street with the girls and 2) there was a beer in the driveway. Long story but nobody was drinking beer, it was unopened and someone got it out of another guys' car... but it goes without saying that - after my all-day-long Julie-drama marathon we did NOT need "one more thing". But that's what we got.

Chris and I came in and sat all the kids down and had a LONG talk - about everything from the beer to rules to phones to boyfriends to baseball - everything. Of course, the whole time we are talking Julie is calling. House phone. Kayte's cell. Tina's cell. Chris's cell. House phone. Kayte's cell. Tina's cell. Chris's cell. OMG make it STOOOOOPPPPPPP! But we didn't answer. We were having our family meeting!

I told the kids at the end of our long family meeting that all calls with their mom would now be monitored by either Chris or myself. We had family discussions about a lot of other things, but not this - it was not open to discussion. We talked about how Justin was unknowingly making things worse by talking to her for hours and hours. Kayte became "metaphor girl" and made a good metaphor about a squirrel who keeps coming back to the same spot because someone keeps putting food out in that one spot. Julie calls and talks to Justin all the time because he will listen to her talk about nothing for hours.

When all was done, I sat down to blog. Got to 'get it out', ya know? Phone rings, it's my sister Katie this time. She said Julie called her because she couldn't get through to us. Katie asked if Julie had perhaps considered that we didn't want to TALK to her right now. Julie then says that she has to talk to the kids....

She's been cutting herself all night and she can't stop. She wants to talk to the kids. She needs to talk to the kids. (The EXACT reason I might point out that phone calls MUST be supervised from now on... the FIRST thing she talked about was how she 'needed' to talk to the kids! Is this thinking about them?? NO! It's thinking about JULIE!)

I ask Justin to call his mom and talk to her. I listen in on the conversation. She said nothing inappropriate to him. Then I got on the phone and she explained the same thing she told my sister Katie... she can't stop cutting herself. She won't call the doctor. She doesn't want to go to the hospital tonight - she needs to go and get her car out of the shop tomorrow. She wants to come over tomorrow night instead of Wednesday night for her weekly visit so that she can then go to the hospital. She said she'd cover her arms so the kids don't see all the cuts.

Do I want this in my home? Am I okay with this? I don't know........

I tell her that she needs to call the doctor. She needs to go to the hospital now. She said she doesn't want to in one breath, then in another breath said she can't stop cutting. She's lonely. Said she's been manic all day (ya THINK?). Said she feels so alone.

Then she talked to Kayte, who was NOT happy with Julie about the cutting. It was a short conversation. The kids.... they have been through SO MUCH. Dealt with more than ANY kid should have to deal with at their ages.

And now I sit here... wondering if this is the night that Julie cuts too deep. What if she does and can't stop the bleeding? Should I call the police? I'd call her doctor myself if I knew her name. But I don't. I'm worried about my sister... and yet so angry that she REFUSES to take care of herself.

Riddled with anger and guilt, I sit here typing. And still... all the while... knowing she's at home... cutting.....

Breaking Down A Door

Our house continues to be beaten to death by kids.

Sigh.........

Chris gets a call today that goes something like this:

Kayte: Uncle Chris? Can you please do all your yelling in the car on your way home this afternoon?
Chris: What happened?
Kayte: Well, I didn't do anything! But...
Chris: What broke?
Kayte: I didn't break it! Well... Sean and Justin were playing, running around the house.
Chris: What did they break? **remember last time they put a hole in the bathroom wall**
Kayte: Justin ran into Kayla's room and shut the door. Sean ran - was really running - and tried to get into the door and forgot to turn the doorknob.
Chris: He did what?
Kayte: Well, it broke the wood that's all around the door really bad. It's just hanging there.

We of course send Sean home immediately. I'm furious that they broke MORE stuff here in the house. Walls. Cabinets. Plates. Cups. Chairs. Sofas. Doors. Computers. Carpets.

Frrrrrrrrustrating

I am the first adult home (Chris is still working as I type) and I go to look at it. Kayte had fist-hammered part of it back into place... but it still looks horrible. Not only did it break the trim, but the inside of the frame is cracked a lot - I'd say it's over a foot long - he must have hit it HARD. The door itself is fine, the frame is not. If I remember correctly... the door is cheap... the frame is what's more expensive to fix/replace. Just perfect! Just what we need.

As I sit typing this... thinking of how much in this house has been broken... thinking about Kayla's HORRIBLE carpet that she is paying to have cleaned because of her constant abuse of hair gel.... the constant breaking of cabinet doors and glasses... constant dirty walls... I don't feel as angry anymore as I do -- beaten. Yeah, that's the word. I feel like they are getting the better of me, and I hate that feeling.

Tonight Justin has a baseball game at Plant High School down in South Tampa.... we have to drive down there so we're all going to go to his game. (Assuming Chris is home from work in time that is.) I also invited Auntie Katie and Nana and Papa Jimmie - since it's down in their 'neck of the woods' I thought they might enjoy watching him play.

Sigh... I'm sitting here so upset that I'm so upset about the door frame. Here y'all think I'm so good... so patient... so strong. And here I sit... feeling angry and defeated.

I've got to run... must figure out what we are doing for dinner and pick up the house before Chris gets home. I leave you with this today:

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus. For it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose. Philippians 2:3-5,13

Suck The Life Right Out Of You

I'm better today and thought I should post since I was quite angry in my last blog.

I thought I'd tell you about a conversation I had with the kids last night. Chris was watching TV, Jono was on the computer. Kayte still out at her friends house. Kayla and Justin are out in the pool/hot tub/back porch. We'd not yet decided on what to do for dinner yet, but the frozen lasagna in the deep freeze seemed to be the best option for the night. Kayla's boyfriend was over as well, out back having a blast. I thought I'd go out back to relax and to spend some quality time with Kayla and Justin.

Now... Kayla and Justin know darn right well that we are eating what we HAVE for breakfast/lunch/dinner (i.e. not eating out). We've been saving for vacation, and things have been very tight the past few months.

Although I wanted to just sit by the plants out back and relax and spend time with the kids; Kayla and Justin had other ideas, apparently. The conversations went something like this:

Justin: Auntie Tina, let's have Pizza for dinner!
Tina: Justin , you know we can't do that. We're having Lasagna.
Justin: What about my baseball games the two weekends we are going to be at the beach? Can't you leave the beach and drive me to my game those days?
Tina: Justin, that's somewhere around 3 hours driving time - no. Plus it's on the day of check-in and check-out, so we'll be crazy busy.
Justin: But I don't want to miss my games.
Tina: Then you should have thought about that before you tried out for the team.
Justin: Can't we have pizza for dinner tonight?
Tina: NO!
Justin: I really don't like riding my bike to my friend's house for baseball practice. Can't you drive me?
Tina: Yes of course, but you'd have to be there at 5:15 or so, (practice starts at 5) which means you'll be a little bit late. I can't take you till I get out of work.
Justin: But then I have to do laps. I don't want to be late.
Tina: Then talk to your coach about why he schedules all of the practices at the exact time when most folks are just getting off work.
Justin: Forget it. Are you sure we can't have pizza?
**Kayla's boyfriend gets a text message about Chinese food**
Kayla: Auntie Tina! Can we have Chinese food for dinner?
Tina: You guys KNOW we can't do this! We're having what we have here!
Justin: So, I really have to miss my games while we are on vacation?
Kayla: What's for dinner?
Justin: I think it's pizza.

So much for quality time and relaxing, huh? Sometimes kids have a way of just sucking the life right out of you, don't they? Jeez!

Update on Julie... I'm told that they want to keep her for 6 months. This would be awesome because she's at the place where they keep you without insurance. Bad because it's state run, but good in that it won't cost her anything! Julie of course wants nothing to do with being there that long. She (of course) thinks she's just fine. They are going to have some kind of a court hearing thing tomorrow to decide if she can be kept for the 6 months. I wonder if they are going to try to do the bakers act like they did before (where they only let her out because her insurance ran out). Come to think of it, that's got to be what it is. I really hope she stays this time... the whole 6 months. Just give it a try for the simple reason that she hasn't tried it yet.

I'm still VERY upset with Julie, although am trying to refrain from 'punishing' her through any words or actions. She called the day after the big day and none of the kids were home. She said she was going to call Kayte on her cell. I said, "Julie, remember what I told you about not talking to the kids unless I talk to a mental health professional there who tells me that they think you are not going to upset or mentally damage the kids? Well, we still need for that to happen." She said "sir... can you please talk.... .... no?..... Okay. Tina, he doesn't want to talk to you." I respond "who??" She said: "The guy working at the desk. He won't talk to you." I said, "Julie, I really meant a mental health professional as in your psychiatrist and I didn't mean right this SECOND." She said, "I've got to go. I'm going to call Kayte." And she hung up.

I looked at Chris. He was fuming mad. We talked about it. It's not that I think she's going to 'hurt' them like she did the other day... I just want to prevent it from happening again. But I don't know how to do that. Because I don't know what else to do, she's been calling every day and talking to the kids. I watched Justin talking to her on Sunday. We were all outside in the pool having a great time. He was inside on the kitchen phone, in a chair, curled up in a blanket looking outside the sliding glass door at everyone else having a fund day, while he's inside talking to Julie for at least an hour. Poor kid. And it wasn't the only call of the day... he talked to her several times. I really think that he hurts her more than he helps her when he talks to her like that. And I don't know how to stop this.

I should tell you something funny. Funny to me anyways. When Julie got out of the hospital this last time (when she was cutting herself in front of everyone) -- she said they loved her there so much that they told her to come back in 6 months to apply for a job.

She says... this place, this mental hospital, will consider hiring you if you've not been 'inpatient' for longer than 6 months. I told her there was no WAY I thought a mental hospital would hire her given her mental history. She mentioned that they didn't need to know about all her other hospitalizations - just what she was in their hospital for. Them finding anything else would be 'illegal' or against her rights or something like that. She mentioned how good it would be to talk to patients and try to help them.

Can you IMAGINE?? You are depressed and get admitted to the hospital and the employee giving you advice has more mental illness than you do. She can tell you how to cut yourself so you don't kill yourself. How much medication to take without killing yourself. How to doctor/hospital shop to get medications you want. I simply can't imagine they'd hire her. She mentioned how well I thought she did when she lived in Maryland and she worked in the old folks home... and she did very well there. Painting fingernails. Brought her kids (very little at the time) in to sit with them. Brought her birds in for them. She did very well. But we're talking about a mental hospital. I just can't imagine.....

What else is new with us? Chris is working like CRAZY right now.

I wrote to the care minister at our church and asked for prayers for finances for us. Chris just started his own real business, and things got very tight and we were stressed about it. Stressed to the point where it was showing in our day-to-day lives. I told the care minister that... I knew this is what God wants him to do right now (his own business). I know because I pray about it all the time. I pray "God, surely you want him to go get a 9-5 job that cuts checks twice a month. Right??" And every time I 'feel' the same answer "Stay on track, give it a little time, things will be better." And I know it HAS to be God because it's not what I wanted to hear.

Almost immediately after writing to the care minister, the jobs started coming in. One woman who he works for about once a month in 'handyman' kinds of jobs around her Hyde Park home has two houses on the beach worth 2.5 million - each. She needed Chris to go over and take care of the places. They've had nobody living in the houses (directly ON the beach) and they needed work - the city sent a letter giving them 10 days to fix it up or else be fined. They called him up and said: "We'll pay gas, give you mileage, trip fee, $40 an hour AND you can stay in the places for free if you'd like." HELLO. Chris took care of her right away! Now he has jobs lined up for weeks and it feels GREAT. The money hasn't started rolling in yet, but I feel it.... it's going to happen.

Remember way back when I said I was thinking about getting that part-time job while at home to help make ends meet? Well, the more I see him doing things like this, the more I know me making $10.75 an hour at night isn't the answer. I might bring home a $200 paycheck after 2 weeks of working every night after work (and the family/dinner time suffers) - but Chris can make more than that spending 4 hours pressure washing a house.

Well, I should run. I've got dinner just about done. I remember the time in the not so distant past when I didn't cook hardly at all. Now we are having kitchen-sink chicken (seasoned with everything but the kitchen sink), kitchen-sink potatoes (potato wedges with the same), and corn. Yummy.

Please say a prayer tonight for the kids. They still have so much going on, and I know they have to be torn inside.

…in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.
Proverbs 3:6 NIV

Un-Motherly Mother

****** WARNING - Angry woman blogging ******

Let me tell you about my day. I awoke at 7 am this morning to a phone call from Julie. She is at South Bay Hospital's Emergency Room. She tells me that she wanted to hurt herself last night... she wanted to cut herself... and that she called Justin who talked her into going to the hospital. She was 'so proud' of her son for helping her. I was in a sleep-stupor at the time, and I didn't say much back to her.

After I awoke, got dressed and went to work, I started to digest what she had told me.

You see... Justin, Kayte and Jonathan are all sleeping elsewhere at the moment. Justin was over his friend's house. Apparently she saw him online in the wee hours of the morning and somehow or another got him to call her or she called him - that part is fuzzy to me right now.

She called Justin on this other kid's cell phone and told him that she wanted to hurt herself. That she was 'afraid' for her life or something like that. Basically -- that she was going to kill herself. So... did she think of calling her psychiatrist? No. Did she think of calling her therapist? No. Calling the hospital? No. Crisis line? No. A friend? No. How about that support group she belongs to? No. She thought - "Hey, I'll call my 14 year old son! You know, the one who worries about me all the time. He'll know what is best to do!"

I called Julie to talk to her about how I felt. I told her that I found it HIGHLY INAPPROPRIATE for her to call her teenage son, or any of her kids, when she felt that way. I told her all the people she COULD have called. I should mention here that Julie sounded PITIFUL... she's in the depressed "oh-woe-is-me" state of mind. She tells me that she thought to call Justin because "We are all mourning his daddy". WHAT????? All mourning?? I told Julie that her kids were not "all mourning" their father. They love him. They miss him. They cherish every moment they remember with him. But they no longer mourn him. Then she started bawling.... "Well, I do mourn him. I miss him. I want him to be here. I'm in mourning. We can all mourn together. I sit at home and watch his video over and over again. I listen to music called 'missing you' and I just look at photos of him." And on and on and on.

Sad.

Pitiful.

I told her that she should NOT drag the kids down with her. If she's mourning, FINE, get the help you need. But don't grab onto them and bring them down with you! It's just WRONG. And frankly, it's un-motherly. I then said "If you are in such a mourning state why do you sleep with all these other guys?" She said she only does one and it's not 'love'. Whatever! When she's in this state of mind, she'll say anything to make people feel sorry for her, and I was in NO mood for it.

After I hung up with Julie I called Kayte. I asked if she'd talked to her mom yet today, she said no. I explained to her what was going on with her mom... and that she was VERY down right now and that I did not want her talking to her mom in this condition. I said... "In the year and a half you've been with me, I've never told you that you can NOT talk to your mom. This time - today - I'm telling you, if she calls, let it go to voice mail - she's in horrible shape mentally right now." A little while later Kayte calls me nearly in tears. "She just keeps calling me and calling me! I can't take it! She's called me 8 times already and she just keeps hanging up and calling back. Now it's NINE times. Auntie Tina.... what am I supposed to do?" I tell her not to worry I would take care of it.

I then called the hospital's Emergency Room and told them what was going on and asked them to take AWAY her phone. I said, "go pull it out of the wall if that's what you need to do, but she needs to stop calling people in her mental condition." They apparently told her NOT to call her kids anymore. But they did let her call me....

The next call I get is from Julie... crying.... very upset. I told her that I was sick and tired of it. I tried to explain why I felt it was wrong for her to call Justin at 3 am about her mental condition... wanting to hurt or kill herself. She just kept justifying it... she said "I never said I was going to kill myself. What I said was that I was afraid I was going to hurt myself and that I was afraid for my life." I asked her what ANY PERSON would deduct from that statement?! It meant the SAME THING as saying "I want to kill myself". I asked her if she ever even ONCE wondered how her son slept for the night after talking to her. Was he up worried about her? Crying? In fear for her? I already know the answer to that.... she didn't care. Julie does what JULIE wants to do -- all the time.

I then asked about Kayte. I told her... "You already know Kayte is upset from the last time you cut yourself. She's with friends on her summer break - she doesn't want to deal with this now. She shouldn't HAVE to deal with this now." I then asked Julie how MANY times did SHE think it would take before it could be called 'excessive' to call and hang up and call back and hang up and call back and hang up.... Three? Four? Six? Nine? She couldn't answer. Of COURSE she couldn't answer. Julie was again doing what Julie wanted to do -- regardless of what her daughter was feeling on the other end of that ringing phone. Did she once consider that maybe she was doing something else and couldn't get the phone? Or maybe she really just didn't want to talk to her. But calling her back NINE times in a row? Come ON Julie!

I told her that if she and I could not agree upon what is 'appropriate' discussions she has with the kids, and I think her conversations with them are NOT in their best interest -- then she could not talk to the kids. Again she began with the poor-pitiful-me thing and the justifications. I told her, Julie, if you can't understand, I will simply get a restraining order and make it so that you CAN'T call the kids. And with that I hung up. Angry.

She of COURSE called back. "Don't do that" she urged over and over again. I simply told her that if she couldn't GET IT, then what choice did I have?? I told her that it is my JOB --- my RESPONSIBILITY to keep these kids safe. To do things in THEIR best interest. By all means what she did all day today was NOT in anyone's best interest other than her own. I told her that I didn't want to take her out of their lives, but if I had to in order to protect them, I certainly WOULD do so. I told her that when she got to the mental hospital, she should have a mental health professional call me and I would explain everything to them. If THEY could assure me that they've explained it to you so that you TRULY understand, that's good.

And that's where I left things with Julie.

I realize I didn't tell you about what all happened with Julie during her recent hospitalization. She was SUCH a danger to herself that they had to watch her 24 hours a day while she was there. She was not allowed to even shower alone. At one point - in the wee hours of the morning, the tech who was supposed to be watching her fell asleep, so she got some plastic and cut herself. Of course, this got the tech in huge trouble and they had to watch her even more closely.

She hated being there... the gowns didn't fit her and she couldn't wear two (one in front/one in back) because she couldn't get her arms into any of the arm holes. Sad.

At one point she had them convinced that she was going to be okay. She said that she WAS going to go home and cut herself, but not KILL herself. They were going to let her go home under that statement, but then Julie said she 'wanted it in writing' so that -- if she DID cut herself 'too deep' and hurt or kill herself, they could be held liable. Of course, with this - they decided to just keep her until she 'said' she was not going to hurt herself, even minor cutting. They discharged her on Tuesday, two days later she's on the phone with Justin trying to kill herself.

I am SOOOOOOOOOOO angry with her right now.

Breathe in -- breathe out. Hey, where is that Xanax? -------------

Let me tell you about my wonderful night LAST night. That'll help my mood.

Kayte was sleeping over a friends house. Jono was at his Nana's house. Kayla was at work until 11:30 pm. Justin was at baseball practice. We were going to have grilled chicken for dinner - and only 6 breasts since we were only feeding 4 people. (Saving some for Kayla. Remember I told you each teen counts as 2 portions - totally wasn't kidding about that!) So... 8 pm on my way to the ballpark to get Justin from his practice he calls me. He wants to sleep over his friend's house whom he plays baseball with. I talk to the kids mom, work everything out, good to go. Then I realize... until 11:30 tonight -- Chris and I are A-L-O-N-E.

I decided to run by Sweetbay and pick up something smaller for dinner. (Everything at home is for lots of people - nothing for just 2.) I pick up 2 Fillet's.... some Asparagis.... and we grilled the Fillet, I tossed the Asparagus in some butter, garlic, and the seasoning which we put on the Fillet, mashed potatoes, Hawaiian King dinner rolls - opened a bottle of wine. It was Fan-freaking-tastic!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Chris and I had a wonderful evening. And so I wonder... is that what it's going to be like after all the kids are gone???

Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. 1 Peter 5:6-7

Life Is What You Make Of It

I should probably apologize now for not being able to blog much in the recent past and in the near future. I can't really go into it... but suffice to say that there are a LOT of things going on right now and I could use prayer VERY much right now. I can't get into the details of 'why' but - you know me - blabbermouth on my blog, if I can't say something here in the blog, there HAS to be a good reason for it. And when and if you finally hear of it, you will wonder how on earth I was able to deal with it all this time. And I'll tell you it was your prayers - prayers for strength and guidance for me through something you don't even know about. But thank you for your prayers.

Okay... other happenings....

I called the flipping Social Security office today to check on the status of the payment they owe the kids from last year. They told me that they had it on "backlog" and it might be three months or more before we'll see any money. I might pause here and mention how very much we NEED that money for things, very important things. Not that Social Security cares.

The woman tells me that "it's in a pile of papers on someone's desk and when they get to it, they will get to it." Literally, that's what she said. Actually - two people told me that from Social Security... one from the local office and one from the main number (I called back and talked to a supervisor who told me the same thing). I asked... "how is it that you (SS) can hold onto all the money you owe these kids... money that THEY should have started getting 18 months ago now, and yet your office treat this so......... casually?" She just said that it is the way it is. I asked if they would be getting interest on the money due and she actually LAUGHED out loud on that one. "Social Security", she says, "doesn't pay interest." Yeah, I see lady, they just hold on to a few thousand dollars they owe kids and pay them back... I dunno... when they feel like getting to it.

Yeah... another stellar example of our government at work.

So here is a question I never had to ask myself with Amanda. At what age do you let your teen find out for themselves how incredibly dangerous something is. I mean, let them find out the hard way. With Amanda it was minor things here and there... with Julie's kids - it's just bigger things because they hand out with different people. Kayte took a call today from a girl we really like. She's a SUPER girl and a very nice friend - we like her a lot! But her older brother is bad news: we're talking drugs/gangs/stealing things. Kayte gets a call that her brother just beat her up and she wants Kayte to come over. Kayte thought to call and 'ask' permission when she was almost there. My first thought was SAFETY! Was he still there? Is he coming back? Is their mother home? The answer to all three of those questions was "no". I felt so worried for her safety but told her she could go and be with her friend for a few minutes, but to call me as soon as she got there. Since she was practically standing in her driveway when she called, that call didn't take too long. Then I find out the police were called out but didn't do anything. Sheesh!

Then Kayte calls (mind you I'm trying to WORK at my office this afternoon) and asks if her friend can come to our house because "she doesn't feel safe at home" -- her brother might come home and beat her up again. Yeah... good... take the poor girl to OUR house so he beats down OUR door when he's looking for her. Great idea. I tell her that I can't talk, I'm at work. All the while I kept wondering where THIS girl's mother was!?!?! The two decide to walk to my house to get away.

As she turns the corner to come to our house - who is in the driveway playing basketball with Justin? Yepper... the brother. Great!

Nothing came of it... but it's a good example of how Julie's kids just don't quite understand that when you have friends that are either involved in these kinds of activities or your friends just have friends who are involved... it WILL affect you. I'm telling you -- it's a whole different level of parenting.

Julie news... I heard she was supposed to get out of the hospital today - but she's still in for whatever reason. Her friend/roommate Kay moved out a few days ago - she didn't realize just how bad things were going to get with Julie. In particular, the self mutilation was difficult to deal with. Being that she's depressed herself and going through a divorce... she thought it was best to move out and to take care of HERSELF. Which I personally think was the right thing to do. I told her that maybe she could be the example to Julie of 'putting yourself first' - because that was something that Julie doesn't do well. At least medically she doesn't do well that is.

Amanda news!!!!!!!!!!!! Our baby girl Amanda, who will be turning 21 next Tuesday, just got engaged! She and Gene will be married 9/20/07 in a small wedding at the courthouse, and will plan for a big wedding on 9/20/08 which she hopes to have at our Church! How cool is that?? Admittedly I was concerned with Gene's age (he is 40)... but it pales in comparison to how happy he makes her... and THAT is what is important. Life isn't a dress rehearsal... if she has the opportunity to marry a man who is going to make her happy the rest of their lives... she should take it.

I have to admit, Gene and I have had our ups and downs. At one time I felt he was the most awesome man on the planet because he saved her life when she was attacked by that dog. Other times, things were difficult and I told Amanda the things about him I didn't like. (You who read my blog know me... I don't hold it in so well!) But ya know... life is what you make of it - here and now. Not what you did in the past. Not your job. Not how much money you do or do not have. Not what you have planned for the future. And the 'here and now' for Gene is that he makes my daughter happier than she's ever been before. And that....... is everything. So -- Gene and Amanda -- congratulations.

I better run... Hells Kitchen is recorded and I want to go catch it! I leave you with this Amanda:

There is no such thing as a perfect marriage, only perfect moments.
Anise and Howard Singer, married 44 years