The Journey

I think you could tell I left yesterday's blog a little 'down'. I got home and had absolutely no desire what-so-ever to go to choir practice.... didn't even have that nagging in my stomach that said "come on Tina, go - go - go!" So Chris went to choir and I stayed home. I'd love to say I just rested.... but that was not the case. I got home late - then immediately started dinner for the kids. My next door neighbor had a jewelry party that I was supposed to attend, (even though I had no intentions of buying anything), so I stopped in after I threw dinner in the oven. Stayed there for 30 minutes, then came back home to pull dinner out of the oven. Then back next door for 10 minutes, then took Justin to his baseball practice. Came home, and yep.... back again next door (I should add here that I hate those parties when you have all that 'fun' but everyone knows you HAVE to buy something when they are done). Stayed there for about another 30 minutes, then ran home to make sure the girls and Jono had eaten. Back out to pick up Justin, and then back to my next-door neighbors house. I only stayed there another 5 minutes or so because by then it was time to buy something.... so of course I left. By then Chris was on his way home from choir rehearsal. Great relaxing time I had at home, eh? LOL

So.......... big news yesterday! I'm sitting in my bosses office talking about something he needs me to do. He stands up and reaches out to shake my hand. I'm like.... oooooooookkkkk.... I of course stand and shake his hand as well - he says as he's shaking it "I gave you another 5 % raise with this month's check. You are doing a great job!" WOW. Out of the blue... just like that! I just got a raise a few months ago.... now another one?? He also mentions that I now, after one year on the job, make more than the woman I replaced (Penny) that had been here 6 years. I'm not surprised though... I am a darn good worker and I know it. Penny was extremely unorganized and the office was a paperwork NIGHTMARE before I got here. Now... everything has a place and is in it's place. It makes day-to-day work run so much smoother. Penny always looked as if the office was going to collapse in on itself if she stopped what she was doing for even 5 minutes. She lived in utter chaos. I, on the other hand, am quick yet thorough and as I already said, organized to the point of possibly being a little OCD. There is no chaos here.... and I have lots of free time because I don't have to spend any time looking for anything. I know exactly where a customer's order is from last month, or last year. So.... a RAISE! How great is that???!!!!

I talked to Natalia this morning and told her what I was told to tell her about Julie trying to give the kids an alcoholic drink. She said that rather than HER talking to Julie she was going to call her therapist and make him aware of it and ask him to talk to her about it. (I should note here that Natalia has still not met Julie) I feel really good that she is going to handle it in this matter.

My next call (thank goodness I work for such wonderful bosses) was from Dottie. She tells me that I don't need to get the kids eye appointments if I can prove they had physicals showing 20/20 vision. Yippee! We also talked some more about Julie and the kids. She kept telling me over and over again what a great person I was. She asked if Julie had ever expressed an interest in going to the doctors appointments, dentist appointments, football games, or Jusin's baseball games with us. I literally laughed out loud at that one, then replied that 'no' she had never asked. I first told her that the reason they needed physicals and dental visits was because she NEVER took them before. Secondly, one of the reasons the kids were taken from Julie was because they were left unsupervised most of the time - things like school football games and activities they went to alone. And finally that it would be nearly impossible for Julie to sit through Justin's baseball game on those bleachers for hours at a time. She couldn't do it for both mental and physical reasons. Mental because she'd go bezerk just sitting there. Physical because she would be highly uncomfortable at 350 lbs sitting outside and on bleachers. Dottie explained that this is another area (one of those missed opportunities) where Julie could show improvement. She could be showing that she wants to be involved in their life... that she truly cares about what they are doing.... not that she just 'wants them back'. Missed Opportunities.

I've been looking at my 3 month calendar on the wall in front of me at work... and it now has December on there. December. Christmas. Oh boy. There go the heart palpitations! I'm doing my best to listen for what God wants me to do this year.

I began blogging last February, and many of you may not know what happened last Christmas.

The kids moved in with me sometime in November/December. I remember the pure panic wondering what I was going to do about Christmas. We had just gotten involved in Van Dyke. Chris and I had our own personal problems we were dealing with. Chris was unemployed, but working a little on the side. We were taking care of his father, Doug, after his stroke the year before.

Julie's kids had never experienced a big Christmas. When Ron was alive, he just didn't get into Christmas very much. And every year, Julie would promise gifts, not come through, then promise to 'make it up for the rest of the year'. At that time I didn't know if we were going to have them for 6 months, for a year, or more. I emailed the church to ask for help. The Church called me that afternoon and told me there was a guy who was looking for a family to adopt. The Rush family adopted us and really came through for the kids. They asked for a list, and I thought they might pick one or two things on the list... but they did OH so much more! Above and beyond for sure.

More important than the 'gifts' they bought... there was a sense of spirit in the house directly as a result. Because Chris and I didn't have to worry about HOW were were going to buy them any presents (remember we went from being a family of 5 to a family of 8 over night), we were able to focus on just taking care of the kids. Trying to make this horrible transition somewhat better for them. It allowed us to focus on the real reason for Christmas; the birth of Jesus Christ.

Gosh - just thinking about it - the tree had all kinds of presents under it thanks to the heart of the Rush family. Thinking back about that season, I'll bet that if you asked the kids what they remember from last Christmas, it would be the joy that filled the house. And perhaps it was that joy that set the tone for the following year. These kids have suffered, they lived in hell while they were home, the pain from the loss of their dad at the age of 38 -- my gosh, I am now 38 - I couldn't imagine dying at this age - and he did it with small kids in the house. God spread His blessings all the way around... he blessed ME by giving me these children to care for... he blessed the KIDS by giving them a stable home to live in.... he blessed JULIE by giving her time to work on getting herself better.

Of course, it wasn't always fun. We had to walk through the fire to get here. I remember Julie coming over for Christmas last year. Slept in our bed and Chris and I slept on sofas downstairs so she'd be more comfortable. But Julie didn't want to wake up Christmas morning. (She was still doing drugs and lord knows what else at this time) The kids really wanted their mommy there, so they woke her up. She was ANGRY but she came downstairs. She slept sitting up throughout the gift opening bliss that morning. I should mention here that the Rush's even bought Julie a gift... a beautiful scripture journal. Wow.

Julie went back to bed but the kids kept asking her to wake up and spend time with them on Christmas day. Early afternoon Julie got up - VERY angry. She was angry the kids wanted her to be up on Christmas when all she wanted to do was sleep. She sat on the sofa and asked her kids to sit next to her, so close they were touching her. When I asked 'why' she said "If they want to be near me so bad, they are going to be near me!" She made them sit there and not talk, not play, not do anything. It was horrible. I finally asked Julie to go with me to the store. I didn't need anything really, but I wanted to get her out of the house and away from the kids. It was in that car trip that Julie shared with me that she not only smoked pot, but that she had her kids try it too. Ugggggggg When we got home Julie was in better spirits, which was good for everyone. Remember that at this time I didn't have 'legal' custody of the kids - it was all emergency DCF placement at the time.

Julie has come a loooooong way since that time. The kids have done INCREDIBLY well since that time. And who would have thought at that time that I'd be here - nearly October - thinking about Christmas 2006, still with Julie's three kids? But I will never - ever - as long as I live - ever forget the amazing heart of the Rush family that year.

So.... you can see the incredible Christmas we had last year. God fully and completely was in charge of all of that, I have no doubt about it. What does God want us to do this year? Should Chris or I get a part time job to set money aside for Christmas? That really doesn't feel right because we have so much going on every day as it is. Should we go without much (presents) to really show the kids this year that it's not about the gifts - but rather about the birth of our Savior? I find myself praying for guidance quite a bit about this lately. Almost every big thing I have done this year (and many many small things) have been with the guidance of God... listening to what He wants me to do and trusting Him. And - boy oh boy has he had the plan in place all along. I don't want to mess it up by trying to 'do it my way', regardless of what God wants.

Mom sent me something today about people working in Afghanistan for lots of money tax free. Told me that a friend of hers has a son who drove a truck for a year there and made $100,000 tax free. I talked to one of my bosses about it (a retired military guy) who told me that there are a LOT of jobs there like that and that it was easy money, albeit for a year of living in hell. Problem is you have a 50% chance of never coming home and an 80% chance of being hurt. For a split second I thought... I could do that.... Come back after a year and be debt-free. If I came back.

But... what of the journey? Isn't that what life is really all about? I fully believe that I am the awesome person I am today because of the journey. Chris and I being pregnant at 17, married at 18. The ups and downs of our life year after year. Sometimes eating hamburger helper with no ground beef for a month at a time.... other times going out to eat at a fancy restaurant. I can't be fully appreciative of a steak at Applebees until I've experienced a month of having mac & cheese for dinner. Just imagine how great that steak tastes with that memory in the back of your mind. I've made my share of mistakes in my lifetime.... jobs... friends.... family.... but the mistakes are not what define me, what defines me is what kind of a person I am today because of what I learned from those things. And the journey.... the journey is amazing.

I wouldn't want to leave everything I know and love to work for a year in hell, and hope that I come back alive so that my family has some money. Sure, the money would be great. If I were around to spend it. But would it really be great? What of the journey I'd lose if I were gone for a year. Look at what has happened in the ONE year this last year. Who would have ever thought I'd be here? Last year at this time I was still VERY angry with God because he took Ron away from us. Last year I was a mom to only my two beautiful kids. This year, God is blessing me left and right, and I have three wonderful kids added to the family. And best of all is looking back at the journey from the past year. Looking back in awe and amazement over God's plan, so incredibly evident as you look at what has happened. Not random events........ but a planned path.

God, I thank you for the journey I have experienced in my life. I thank you for blessing me with Julie's kids, Jonathan, Amanda and Chris. I do not deserve all the blessings you have given to me, yet day after day you continue. Lord, please open my heart to tell me what you would like for me to do as this holiday season approaches. Let Your will be done. In Your time, and for Your glory. Amen.

More Punch Than Kool-Aid

Here we go......... with Julie's court date in November and her "Case Planning" date set sometime in October, DCF is busy telling me all the things they want done for the kids. I am going to again be swamped with 'things to do'. Things I've failed to do thus far but must have done or in process by then:
* Get Justin scheduled for his cavity filling
* Get Justin scheduled for therapy
* Get eye exams for Justin and Kayte
And DCF is going to schedule Julie and the kids for their family therapy.

I suppose since Julie can't drive them anywhere (she's not allowed to) - I suppose I'll have to drive them to their family therapy appointments. Oh and about the eye appointments, it's not enough that they've had physicals and the doctors documented they had 20/20 vision.... they want me to spend the money to go to see an eye doctor to confirm their vision is fine.

OH LORDY... where am I going to get the time to do all of this?? Oh, and then there's the money! Jeez..................

Julie came over last night and everything went.......... okay. Julie actually cooked for us... I helped, but she did do most of the work. We had fried pork chops and some pasta side. I added a veggie to the dinner because she didn't want to have any (Julie HATES veggies).

One thing I should tell you about, and I just now told Dottie about it, and she just said that I MUST tell Natalia about it. **sigh** See, this is why I hate doing the visits, because something comes up and I have to 'tell on Julie'. Here's what happened.

Julie brought over the wine coolers that she now LOVES. She brought 2 four packs and had me try one. I had finished maybe 1/4 of my bottle when she was downing her second bottle. She talked about how she's had as many as 6 at a time and never gotten a buzz off of it. What I should say to this is that.... Julie can be addicted to anything... she has that kind of personality. Right now, alcohol is not a problem for her... but it could very easily be.

Anywhoo..... we are in the kitchen, Julie has her gifts sprawled out on the kitchen table. Dinner is cooking. Julie is on her 2nd or 3rd drink. She's talking to the girls - about what I really don't know. Then she comes to me and says.... "You know, these drinks taste just like kool-aid, you don't taste the alcohol at all. Hey, Tina, can I let the girls have some?" I was like............ WHAAAATTTT? Of course I tell her NO, the girls can not have some of her alcoholic drink!! She again stresses that it tastes like kool-aid and tells me that it only has a 2.4 alcohol content. I tell her... "Julie.... think about it..... what IF the girls LOVE it?? Then what????? Absolutely NO they can not have a drink!"

Now I feel like such a 'nark' (dating myself with that word!) because I have to tell DCF about it. Julie is going to hate me. And I hate it that she's going to hate me. I wish I could say that Julie was kidding, or that she was testing me or something... but -- no -- that is Julie's poor parenting skills in action. She just has no clue that those kinds of things are really wrong. I suppose in Julie's eyes it's not so horrible... after all, last year about this time she was lighting joints with her kids - so a wine cooler is really nothing in comparison to that. But in any case... it's wrong and I'm supposed to HAVE to tell Natalia about it.

Mom called and told me that she talked to Julie today and she was very happy with last night's visit. And - that's what's killing me is that... I was happy with it as well! Except for that one little thing... it ws great. And now Julie is going to find out that I told them about the drinking. I feel like someone who just killed her best friend's dog. :o( I feel simply awful.

I'd like to blog more, but I'm just feeling a bit too -- down -- to do so. I'll try to blog some more tomorrow.

Families are like fudge... mostly sweet with a few nuts. ~Author Unknown

Family

Well.... Katie... I suppose after yesterdays marathon-long blog you won't be telling me I'm not blogging much anymore, huh? LOL

Julie and I had a nice and kinda long talk the other night. She talked about her boyfriend, how he's not really her 'boyfriend' as he's now sleeping on the sofa. She told me that she has this great new drink that she just LOVES... a wine cooler of some sort. I was laughing when she told me this. Laughing because - Julie has never had a real drinking problem but she is a member of AA. She just went to AA meetings because she didn't WANT to go to NA meetings. However, in all of her DCF files, they all assumed she had alcohol problems because she was attending AA meetings. And now, the best darn AA member Riverview has ever seen, has a favorite alcoholic drink. I just couldn't help but laugh! When Julie asked why I thought it was funny, I told her! She said "Tina, you know I've never really had a drinking problem! Besides I'm not going to AA meetings anymore." Just lovely.

Julie called and emailed me about the email I sent her asking about Christmas. She basically said that she's nearly 40 and doesn't need anyone telling her what to do with her money. Further she said that she was only going to buy each kid ONE thing for Christmas. Now... I'm not a big money-person at Christmas... I believe that society has put way too much emphasis on presents and not the real reason for the season... the birth of our Savior Jesus. But when you've got kids, just that LOOK of all the presents under the tree, even if they all cost less than $5 each, just gives a really neat feeling. But no, she wants to do just one thing. **sigh** I told Dottie (Guardian Ad Litem) that I felt like I should just let her do what every she wanted with HER kids at Christmas and I'll just do what I'd normally do for Jonathan. I told her that I just couldn't ask the church or anyone else to help out when we had help last year. Add to that the fact that they now have a mom who is perfectly capable of providing 'Christmas' for them but chose not to. Dottie told me.... that it was not the kids fault. That we can't control what Julie does or does not do for her children. But as their guardian, I should do whatever is in my power to provide for the kids. I dunno... I'm still debating on asking the Church or anyone else for help with Christmas gifts this year. I mean, Chris and I are now both working, but we are just BARELY making ends meet as it is, with no wiggle room what-so-ever.

Dottie and I talked for quite a bit about a lot of things. I told her about the guy living there. The girl now renting the room. About Julie, who's supposed to be going to AA meetings, now drinking. She told me that - the one thing Julie was totally NOT getting was that she needed to be showing changes in all of these things. Not that she was completely better, but that she was purposely making changes. Yes, she's gotten better; yes, she's not doing drugs; yes, she's not huffing. But in addition to that, they were going to want to see her demonstrate changes - such as telling that guy he could NOT move in with her, rather than saying "that's going to change but only after the kids move back home". Such as admitting that not providing for her kids for Christmas in the past was not very 'motherly' of her, but she could attempt to change that this year (albiet she chooses not to). Missed opportunities, that's what is going on with Julie.
Speaking of her mental capabilities... Julie had the first part of her extensive psychiatric evaluation done Tuesday! She called saying that she did horrible. She thought it was going to be just a normal mental exam. This is a 6 hour comprehensive exam. Today's testing consisted of him reading to her and Julie responding back at the end with what he just said and what it meant. She said she didn't do well at that. She said there was other 'testing' things... like the word YELLOW written in the color RED and she was supposed to tell him what the word said... she said RED not yellow. Those kinds of things. They apparently are going to do one hour testing each visit/week. So... 6 weeks from now the testing should be done. I'll be happy to know once and for all if they feel she WILL or will NOT be able to parent again.

This caused me to think about what is going to happen after that testing. Gosh, I get so torn over thinking about this. In the perfect world... I want Julie to completely change her life, get on her feet, get her kids back, and for them all to live happily ever after. I can go back to being the coolest Aunt who ever lived, we can go back to raising Jonathan by himself, having MUCH smaller meals, and my house can look clean for more than 5 minutes at a time. Ah yes.... this would be perfect. But -- It's just not likely to happen.

More likely is Julie continuing to improve and she eventually gets the kids back. First by getting unsupervised visits for an hour at a time, then 2 hours. Eventually overnight. Then for the weekend. Then eventually forever. They go back home to their horrible F & D rated schools and gangsta friends. They begin talking that gangsta talk and go back to doing pretty much whatever they want. Julie will probably keep it calm enough to where they are not breaking the law or anything. And the whole time, I'll be sitting at home wondering if she's "un-doing" anything that I had done. It just breaks my heart to think of this.

Then there is the thought of... what if they say she can't parent? What if......... what if............ come on Tina............ don't worry about what might happen......... when you know there is nothing you can do about it! Have faith Tina.... faith that it'll all work out. God already has the plan.

I get a phone call last night from Julie telling me that "the kids are begging her to meet Rob" (her little 23 yo boyfriend). My heart sank. I was not ready for that, not one bit. I called Dottie and Natalia about it because... I don't want to say "no" just because I think it's weird that he's only 8 years older than her daughter. I do want to be fair about it. But I have other causes for hesitation as well... for example: the fact that he lost every single piece of identity when Julie moved him down here - birth certificate, social security card, drivers license - all.... lost. Yeaaaahhhhh.... I have a bad feeling about that. And my last concern was that Julie has already told me that she is not serious about this guy, that he's not 'really' her boyfriend anyways. So.... why submit the kids to that twisted relationship?

I talked to Dottie about it who told me that the State was VERY particular about who they would and would not let around the kids, and that she thinks I should listen to my 'gut' on this one. I talked to Chris about it who was like.... "absolutely, 100%, no way that man is coming in my house, I don't trust him one single bit". So, I called Julie back to tell her and she says, "eh, it's okay - he's moving out anyways - going to Miami for the Job Corps". So.... why bother to get me all upset about it and cause me to spend 30 minutes in a 'family meeting' to talk to the kids about it? **sigh**

Speaking of family meeting... you should SEE the WOW WALL!! It's now gone over to another wall there is so much stuff there. After Jonathan's horrible progress report, we demanded that he take his medication daily. He must be doing it because he's a changed boy here recently. Typically.... you can look at his book bag and it is TRASHED. Loose papers everywhere, empty folders, homework assignments that are balled up like trash (because left loose in the book bag) that need to be turned in. He also gets yelled at a lot when he forgets to take his medicine. Typically I'll hear myself, Chris or the other kids tell him something over and over again - and it'll hit me that he didn't take his meds. I say "Jono, did you take your medicine this morning?" And the answer is always "no". So.... he seems to be taking his meds every morning. His focus is MUCH better. I notice nobody is getting on to him anymore. I did a book bag check and EVERYTHING was neatly place in appropriate folders! (And Amanda already knows this... typically everything can be neat and clean, but there is ONE thing out of place and I tend to find that one thing and bring it up.) And this was an un-announced book bag check. Then he had 11 items for the WOW WALL. (A's and B's) I just left a message with all his teachers asking about his grades... I'm thinking they have gone up. It's hard to know for sure because those zeros really tank his grades and it's so hard to bring them up. Say a little prayer please that they have.... I think he's earned it.

Well, I just got a very nice call from the DCF lady, Natalia. She was calling me back about Julie's boyfriend and what she would like for me to do about the kids seeing him. In particular, she said "NO" to that. After speaking with her I sent this letter to Julie:

I just spoke to Natalia about Rob - she was returning a call that I placed to her yesterday to ask IF Rob could even come over. She said absolutely no, he could not come over.

She went on to explain that - if you were having supervised visits at their facility and Rob was to come, they would make him wait in the hall and would not allow him around the children. She said this was for a couple of reasons.... first being that they have not done a background and thorough evaluation of him yet, but they would have to do this before reunification was considered. Second being that it's not mentally good for you to even discuss Rob with the kids. She went on to explain how your social life was a sore subject for the kids in the past, and as you know - they requested that part of your life be better before they came back home. Secondly, it was apparent to her that the kids were worried about you and Rob... that they wanted to 'meet the man who mom moved into her house'. I don't know that you can fully grasp the concept of how odd it is for a person to move a man whom she has never met across state lines and into her home to live. (Add to that he has no money and no job) You and I have had the 'normal dating' talk before... get to know a man.... go to the movies... go to dinner.... etc. Because you chose to move this man right into the home, it caused the kids a great deal of unneeded stress. Frankly Julie, I myself was so wrapped up in the fact that **I** didn't like him as your sister for these reason, it never dawned on me how it might affect the kids. In that regard, I am VERY happy I talked to Natalia about it.

After my conversation with Natalia, I'm going to ask that you NOT talk about Rob at your visits or on the phone. Natalia says that -- if you and he become serious and he is going to be 'a part of your life long-term' ---- then we can slowly incorporate him into their lives. But for now, they don't need to worry about it... it's just not fair to them.

Also please try to recognize that - these things that you are not allowed to talk to the kids about -- when they might be coming home, what they've said to professionals about life at home, and now Rob.... hopefully you realize the PURPOSE behind your not talking to them about it. The purpose isn't to punish you or punish them. It's protecting them. They are already under TREMENDOUS stress from the move out of their home. Granted it's better now than it was in January, but - they are still stressed. Thinking about it in this light, as Natalia has pointed out to me, I realize that I tend to forget sometimes how stressed they must be.

I have that same bad feeling that this is NOT going to go over well. Since her visit is tonight - I'll let you know.

After yesterday's marathon blog... I'll stop now and leave you with this nifty quote I found:

The family. We were a strange little band of characters trudging through life sharing diseases and toothpaste, coveting one another's desserts, hiding shampoo, borrowing money, locking each other out of our rooms, inflicting pain and kissing to heal it in the same instant, loving, laughing, defending, and trying to figure out the common thread that bound us all together. ~Erma Bombeck

Chewing The Cross

So.... Sunday night I took the high schoolers, Kayla and Justin - as well as two of their friends - to the Bowling Alley in Lutz for a Senior High church event for the evening. Driving their two friends up to Lutz, they had a very interesting conversation. In that conversation the two girls were talking about their cell phones. Mind you, Kayla, Justin and Kayte used to have cell phones, but they abused their time on them and by the time Julie turned the phones off she owed over six THOUSAND dollars. (Kayte, Justin and Julie all blame Kayla for this.)

So anyways, the girls were talking about their cell phones and Kayla was recalling her fun times when she had a cell phone. She went on to tell the kids (and I've heard this story before) about how her mom (Julie) would text message her in the middle of the day - while she was at school - to say things like "your friend XX just said this on the computer" or "I'm watching our soap opera Passions, and you won't believe what Allister just did!" (then explain what it was). Mind you, Kayla is in SCHOOL doing classwork or taking tests! Then there is the times that Julie would call them because she was lonely at home and she'd ask them... "do you want to come home from school?" Of course the kids said "yes" and she'd drive to school and pick them up.

It reminded me that I want to make SURE this behavior is addressed by DCF before those kids go home. You see, I am SURE that these kinds of things were not addressed in her crappy "parenting class". I'm making a mental note now to make sure I talk to Natalia about that... or maybe I'll just begin to make a list of things to talk about in court in November. Either way, I'll make sure it's addressed.

So the question I know you are dying to ask is, did I sit quietly in the car and say nothing or did I say something to the kids when they were talking about this? Well... of COURSE I couldn't sit quietly, so I simply said "well, that was just poor parenting, wouldn't you agree?". I also made mention of the cell phone bill and it being the reason they were not getting cell phones until they were old enough to afford to get it on their own and pay for it. They of course made every argument of why they should be allowed to get cell phones.

But you know what... one of the girls there had her cell phone on and did nothing the entire time but Text message her friends. The entire ride up, while she was at the bowling alley, and the entire trip home. I mentioned to her something about it on the way home - I mentioned that it was one of the reasons I didn't think kids should have cell phones, that she was missing out on all the fun of the event they just came from. She said that she DID have fun, but --- again -- her head was stuck in this cell phone even as she defended her position; She couldn't sit the cell phone down to discuss it.

Another thing I know that I need to do is to make a list of things to talk to the Psychiatrist about when Kayla goes next month. I feel like I have this one shot to take her in and get a good diagnosis of what's going on with her... and I'm terribly afraid that I'll go in there with nothing other than what I can remember AT that time. Those of you who know me well know that I like to be very prepared!

I'm very concerned about Justin's grades. Usually Justin does pretty well in school. I know the change to High School was quite an adjustment, but his grades are slipping. As of today he has 2 A's, 1 B, 1 C and 3 D's. Two of the D's have gone down in the past week (one from a B to a D and the other from a C to a D). I've emailed the teachers to ask what they felt was going on. My first thought was baseball... his grades began to slip as soon as he started the team. But then again, with computer advancements, I can now check his grades weekly - so maybe the fluctuation is normal. I am not going to guess on this one, and I know the teachers have a much better handle on what's going on at school than I do, so I've asked them to help me figure it out.

Speaking of which - Julie AGAIN said it to me last Friday "so... I thought the kids were supposed to be doing so much better now that they are with you. I guess they are not, huh". I swear -- if she ever says that to me while in my presence, she's going to be swallowing some teeth. She has NO IDEA how much that infuriates me. Not JUST because I work so hard to keep on top of them and their grades, but also because I am so very well aware of what went on in HER house after Ron died. I would never condone hitting someone -- however -- I know how much of a 'hot button' this is for me, and I'm telling ya, I'd punch her lights out if she said that to my face.

Speaking of Julie, I believe that she is coming over on Wednesday. I've not been grocery shopping and I'm tempted to give her a list of things to bring and then offer to cook that night. That Blackened Chicken Alfredo I made a few weeks ago was sooooo good (if I do say so myself) and it was relatively easy. I know it would cost her less to pick up the ingredients than it would for her to get chicken or McDonald's. I just called her and asked her about it and she said 'maybe' she wanted that. She might want to just pick up Chicken fro Popeyes... we'll see. Oh well, at least I asked!

I also just sent Julie an email. She was out shopping today for more stuff for the kids - some movie that Kayte has seen more than 30 times and she asked Julie to buy it for her. I got to thinking about it.... and......... Christmas is right around the corner. There is just flat out no way possible I can afford to do Christmas for everyone this year. Last year, with the trauma of how they came to live with me on such short notice, we had someone from the Church buy them Christmas presents. This year there is no way I could ask something like that again, even if Julie were not making excess money. But she is making excess money, so -- I simply sent her this: "Instead of buying the kids things they want but that they don't truly need, please save that money. Save for Christmas. I know you don't usually do Christmas presents because you can't usually afford a lot right at that time. Well, if you start saving right now, you'll have plenty of money to buy them gifts at Christmas." Being her big sister, I already know how this is going to go over.... like a ton of bricks. But I'll be darned if I'm going to sacrifice something like not paying bills or a mortgage payment in order to go out and get Christmas gifts when she's got extra money every week/month. It's just not fair.

I told mom about it who told me "You can't force her to do it" or something like that. And she's right. But on the other hand... I could call her hand by telling her that I'm going to buy for MY kids and she HAS to buy her HER kids. Not ask. Not request. Just assume that she is - finally - going to take care of her own kids - at least on this ONE day.

What else can I tell you about. Jonathan and Justin are arguing a lot lately. The latest heated debate was over my necklace. I've had a necklace with a crucifix on it for over 20 years. Maybe 6 or 7 months ago, Jonathan wore it - and lost it in his bedroom. I was really upset with him. Not so much that the necklace was all that important, but because he didn't take good care of it when I trusted him with it. (You should see his room to know how easy it would be to lose something in there) Well... lately Justin has been wearing it.

Come to find out, Justin has a nasty habit of putting it into his mouth and biting it. So, when I went to get it back from him, there are tooth marks all through the middle of Jesus and the back of the cross. ICK! So I've resolved to let him keep it. I do admit, I've not made the 'scene' that I did when Jonathan lost the necklace earlier this year, but I really don't know why. Because he's not my son and I have more of a vested interest in how responsible Jonathan is? I really don't know. But I know I wasn't as upset about Justin eating my necklace. Jonathan saw the necklace last night and got really upset with Justin, yelling at him for breaking the one crucifix his mom has owned for over 20 years. I'm touched that he cared so much that he got upset about it, but -- he should have come to me with it -- or handled it differently with Justin. Maybe if instead of getting angry and yelling at Justin he had just explained that his mom's had that necklace since Amanda was born and that he thought it wasn't very nice of him to... 'eat' it. I dunno... but I DO know that a 13 year old yelling at a 14 year old is not a good thing.

I tried to explain some to Chris that part of their arguing is normal sibling stuff. Being an only child... he never had anyone to really argue with. Lord knows I did! I know they are not really siblings... but right now, they are forced to behave and live like siblings.

And.... I'll say it again... Jonathan is an ANGEL for putting up with all he's had to endure over the past year. No matter what, he's a true hero in my book! Gosh I love that boy!

Well, as discussed in the beginning of my blog, I've made a little list.... no...... not list.... it's really a letter.... to bring with me to Kayla's psychiatric appointment. I hope it sums up everything about Kayla. Here's what I have so far:

“You cannot change that which you do not acknowledge”
(I put this in here on purpose. This psychiatrist will meet with both Kayla and myself together. I have to read this aloud in front of Kayla and I want her to hear that quote before I begin the story)

Family history: Mom is diagnosed Bipolar w/ Borderline Features & Self Mutilation

Kayla history:
Kayla’s dad (Ron) passed away a little more than 2 years ago as a result of Leukemia and a kidney disease he obtained while serving our country in the Gulf War. Kayla loved Ron, although he was not her real father. Julie had slept with several men and did not know who her father was. Julie met Ron when Kayla was only a week old and they married only ONE week after the first time they met. Julie, at that time, had not put any man’s name on the birth certificate, so she put Ron’s on there. Because of this, legally and in the eyes of the military, Kayla was now Ron’s child.

Throughout their 15-year marriage, Julie suffered from her mental illness – but Ron was able to hold the family together throughout. Julie has been hospitalized literally hundreds of times. Julie has always had a ‘need’ for men… physical & sexual need. At times she had affairs, one time she filed a false report to the military claiming she was raped so that they would send Ron (who was then stationed overseas) home to be with her. After Ron died, Julie began dating multiple men and at times moved men in at-will. Most of the time men would move in without money or jobs. I know all three kids found this extremely frustrating.

One of the men Julie moved in was Arthur. Arthur was one of the men Julie was sleeping with when she got pregnant. For years, he wanted to believe that he WAS Kayla’s birth-father. However, he took two paternity tests; both showed he was not the father. (Arthur insisted the tests were wrong) Kayla, for some reason, wants to believe that he is. I know he has bought things for Kayla, and of course, she loves that, but they also had some other bond, and I’m not really sure why. Obviously, when Ron was alive, Arthur was around very little. There were the occasional affairs while Ron was stationed overseas, but there was no ‘love’. After Ron died, he moved in with Julie, but things got bad quickly. By the time he moved out, he was literally thrown out of the house. Julie had to check with the police to see what could be done about having him removed from the house. Julie was arrested at one point for hitting him (domestic abuse). It was ugly. When he left, he did and said a LOT of very bad things: he emailed everyone Julie knew and told them what a horrible mom she was and threatened to tell her ‘dirty little secrets’. He called the kids and Julie horrible names. He told Kayla that he was GLAD that he was not her father, and went on to say horrible things about both Kayla and Julie.

However, even with all of this history from Arthur, Julie and Kayla still very much love this man. He had a stroke recently and Julie called him so many times that the family had to call and beg her to stop calling. Kayla has no problem asking him for expensive shoes. When Kayla found out Arthur had a stroke, she cried all day at school. I really don’t understand this relationship, and frankly, I don’t think it’s healthy.

I should also give you history on their removal from their mom’s house. After Ron died, Julie did pretty much whatever she wanted to and began to slip into severe drug and prescription abuse. By the time the kids were removed from the home by DCF, Julie was into “huffing”, smoking pot every day, had gang members living IN her house, overdosing every single day in hopes of ending her life, severe self-mutilation, and took her prescriptions to get high daily. Other past drug abuse was using pot laced with cocaine. When the kids were removed, they lived in this nightmare daily. I know for a fact all three kids had tried pot on more than one occasion each. (Their ages at the time of removal were 12, 13 and 14) I heard rumors that Julie and Kayla both had slept with the same young man (unbeknownst to each other); however, I can not confirm this. At one point in this two-year spree, Julie took Kayla in for the tattoo which she currently has on her back. It’s the width of her ENTIRE back side – its Tigger flipping the bird, with her ‘gang name’ under it. Julie sees nothing wrong with getting tattoos for her children. When they were removed by DCF, Julie had plans of putting one on her 12-year old. It was going to be the same one that Julie has on her arm – roughly a foot length-wise, and angel w/ wings, and Ron’s birth date and date of death on it. Again, to this day, Julie sees nothing wrong with putting a tattoo on her 12-year old kids. Further, neither do her kids.

I know the kids love their mom unconditionally, and I can respect that. But I’m afraid if they do not acknowledge the mistakes Julie made, they may slip back into the same habits they had when living at home. I know that this should be mostly Julie’s responsibility, but – with Kayla at the age of 15 or even 16 by the time she goes back home – I would hope she could identify some of the things that might crop up and help guide her mom in the right direction. An example of a simple thing Kayla should be able to identify is how Julie used to text message Kayla during school! Or… she would pull one of the kids out of school just because she was lonely and wanted someone to be home with her. It is my hope that Kayla can become enough of a well-rounded mature girl that she can help her mom with this.

Kayla has always been very outgoing. If there was a camera, she’d do whatever it took to make sure she was front and center. She was a charismatic child who was always fun to be around.

The first memory of Kayla’s stealing was when she was three. She was with her paternal grandmother who was shopping. Kayla took something and tried to hide it. When confronted, she told the grandmother that it was what she had seen her mom and her mom’s friend do. Kayla has been picked up for shoplifting two other times by police – but charges were later dropped (both times) due to enrolling in a first time offender program. Other than that, the family knows not to leave things out when Kayla is around. Kayla will ‘take at will’ what she wants. Most of the time when Kayla takes something (money, jewelry, etc) ALL the family knows that she did it, but Kayla refuses to admit it, even when the facts are staring at her right in the face. Because of her lack of admission of guilt and failure to own up to her behavior, I am uncertain of how to ‘trust her’ again in this regard.

Kayla has an extremely difficult time admitting she’s done something wrong. Even the simplest of things, she somehow believes that she is believable when she’s lying. However, the entire family can easily see through her lies. An extremely simple example of this is: Kayla uses a TON of hair product so we have purchased two sets of everything. Kayla woke up one morning before Kayte and was using Kayte’s hairspray. Kayte woke up, saw her, and said “Kayla!!” Kayla, knowing she was just busted, dropped the can of hairspray, quickly picked up her own bottle, began again to spray, and then stopped, turned, and said “yes”… as if the last 15 seconds never happened. Kayte asked why she was using her hairspray, and Kayla refused to admit that she had. At one point during the argument, Kayla bent over to re-cap the hairspray on the floor, Kayte looked at her doing it and said “If you didn’t use it, and didn’t drop it on the floor, why are you re-capping it and how did it get on the floor?” To this day Kayla will not admit she was caught. This is ONE example of lies that occur all the time.

Kayla is – most of the time – manic. She’s happy, outgoing, extremely artsy, busy and likes it when it’s all about her. I’ve never seen her truly ‘depressed’ but I have seen her very upset. Most of the time she’ll take it out on her sister, Kayte, when she’s ‘upset’. There was one time when they were living with me that Kayla didn’t talk to Kayte for weeks because she was ‘upset’. Kayla admitted she wasn’t upset WITH Kayte, but she just took it out on her. Other times (and rather often) she’ll just tell Kayte “I hate you”. This deeply hurts Kayte and she doesn’t understand it.

Kayla does what I believe is her own form of self-mutilation. She bites her nails up to her knuckles like nothing I have EVER seen before. I bite my nails, my dad bit his, my kids bite theirs, my grandmother bit hers… I know that there has to be some kind of genetics to it. However, Kayla goes way beyond anything I’ve ever seen before. Her fingers literally look as if she stuck them in a grinder of some sort and turned it on. Other than her nails/fingers, Kayla has not issues with self-confidence. She is extremely happy with herself, dresses nice and always wants to look her best. Kayla

has an extremely difficult time asking for anything. When she first moved in with us we actually had to have a session of ‘role-play’ where we asked her to ask for something as simple as if she could have a sandwich. She found this unbearable to do, but she has improved. Nowadays when she has something really important to ask, she will write me a note.

Kayla has also had a life-long problem with bedwetting. She refuses to admit it is still a problem, however, I believe it IS still a problem. I know that she was still bedwetting on occasion when she lived at home with her mom. Since living with me she has wet the bed at least 3 times to my knowledge, and I’m sure there are others that I am unaware of. Each time something happens, she refuses to admit she’s done it, even though covered in urine (which I believe goes back to the failure to admit she’s lying problem). Over the summer she went camping with other teens. Kayla wet the bed, but refused to admit she did… she claimed someone threw water on her. The camp counselors smelled the wetness and knew it was urine, but wanted to give Kayla the benefit of the doubt. They called each camper in one at a time and questioned them as to if they threw water on her or not. Each camper said “no”. They called me to ask if she had a history of bedwetting, and I (of course) said yes. They explained what had happened. They expressed their frustration that – even though it smelled of urine, she refused to admit it might be and further, she blamed it on other campers who had to be individually questioned. Other occasions have happened at home. Kayla’s sister Kayte will no longer sleep in the same bed with her as it has happened a couple of times. However, again, Kayla admits to nothing. I’ve explained to her that it’s MEDICAL… that there is treatment for it. But again, she states nothing is wrong.

The other thing I would like to share with you is Kayla’s struggle with making good decisions. When she first moved in with us – there was rarely a day that went by when she didn’t do something ‘wrong’. We quickly found out that – when left to her own devices for decision making – she’d make the wrong choice. From deciding to go on a 2 hour walk with a guy we’d never met without telling us she was leaving to making phone calls at 2am. From stealing at the mall to creating a false identity on Myspace to pick up men. Kayla doesn’t do anything “a little” – everything she does is over the top. If she’s allowed to talk on the phone, it rings non-stop. If she’s allowed to be on the computer, she’s on it all the time and/or doing inappropriate things online. If she’s allowed to go to the movies, she stays out too late without checking in. If allowed to go for a walk, she’d be gone for 4 hours without checking in.

I should expand on the Myspace topic because I’m afraid it correlates very much with some similar actions from her mom. When they moved in with us, we allowed them to keep their Myspace accounts, as long as we had full access to it, as long as their profiles were set to private and as long as they personally KNEW each person on their friends list. This changed quite a bit over the months that followed as Kayla would say she actually knew 300+ people, some not even in Tampa. We made all the kids downsize their list to no more than 35 friends. However, we found out later that Kayla had multiple online identities. One that I found was a site she created just to pick up men. Her screen name was ‘Shannon’ and she lives in Paris. She set up the account to be public and had a beautiful picture of some woman on her site. Men would ask for her information, and she would tell them that SHE was taken, but she has a cousin in Tampa who might be interested in them, then she would give them Kayla’s info. When I caught her, she had 87 people as friends, and most of them grown men. I don’t believe Kayla did this to ‘pick up’ men. I believe she did it so that the guys could tell her how pretty she is. I believe that – as popular is Kayla is, as pretty as she is, as outgoing and likeable as she is, she has an innate need to be told how pretty, likeable and popular she is. In this regard, I believe she is very much like her mom.

More than anything, I do not want the good and wonderful things about Kayla to change. However, I would like not-so-good things to change: the lying, the stealing, the mood swings, the self-mutilation, the bedwetting, her anger with Kayte, her failure to make good decisions, and her inability to do anything without overdoing it.

Money To Burn

I forgot to tell you that I spoke with Julie about her money situation. You see... she's swimming in money right now, and I didn't know why. As her sister, I was concerned. So... I asked her.

She not only has that guy living with her (23 year-old boyfriend) but now she has some other girl living with her, and the girl is renting Kayla's room. Julie said the girl pays $400 a month to live there (for only the room, the girl buys all her own supplies and food), and so Julie has extra money to spend every month.

Now, I think renting a room is a great idea. Her house is really big, and she was alone in it, living only out of her bedroom (which had a fridge, computer, bathroom and microwave in it so she never had to leave). This is a terrible waste of space... and you know how I feel about a waste of anything! So... that part of me is happy that she's got someone renting the room.

I asked her about what she was going to do when the kids moved back, and she said that there is nothing she has to do... that they can all live there just fine. That part of it - as their legal Guardian - I have issues with. But the problem is... it's not "that is against the rules and therefore wrong" kind of problem... instead it's a "that just feels wrong" kind of problem. When the kids move back home, Julie tells me, she's going to move Kayla and Kayte into the same room and rent out Kayla's room.

I talked to Kayla yesterday afternoon about the whole thing, as I was unsure if she knew or not. Julie calls and talks to them mostly every night now, so I assumed she had. However, I was wrong. Not only did the kids not know about it, they are not happy about it. The kids feel that the rooms are 'theirs' and that Julie should be doing nothing other than working to get them back home. I understand how they feel, but at the same time, I need to teach them to respect their mom's wishes. This is a hard one... because they rightfully should NOT have respected her decisions for the past two years - but now they need to try to do it. I guess this is where the 'family counseling' is going to come into play.

Speaking of the Family Counseling... Natasha asked me if I had set that up (when she was here on Monday). I told her that I had not, and that I had not intended to do so. I personally feel that at the least the State should arrange this, and if not them, then Julie most definitely should! But it's not my place to work on setting up, making the arrangements, obtaining the authorization for, and paying for THEIR family therapy.

Ooooo.... and speaking of what Julie should or should not do.... Julie called me yesterday to ask if Kayte could go out to Gainesville (Football game) with Sonya again this weekend. Sonya called Julie instead of me for some reason to ask. Last time Kayte went out with her they didn't get home till like 2 am. Sonya is a court reporter, her husband a retired judge, and she just doesn't understand why the State will not allow Kayte to sleep over her house. I've already talked to Sonya about this... told her that she needs to go through the whole process: fingerprinted, background check, home survey/visit. She knows the answer to that already. But still she thinks she doesn't need to do it (or so Julie tells me).

N-E-ways.... Julie proceeds to tell me that it is not FAIR that the State is "punishing the kids" when they didn't do anything wrong. I tried to explain to Julie what the reasoning was - from the State's point of view. (The kids are now 'property of the State' and therefore they are liable for anything they do or anything that happens to them) Julie said a couple of things that made it sound like it was the "big bad State's" fault. I quickly reminded her that there was ONE PERSON to blame for what happened. And I was on the phone talking to her right now. Yeah... that went over well.

Today Julie sends me a photo of her boyfriend, and tells me how great everything is - telling me that I should realize what a great guy he is and that I should like the fact that he's living with her. I, of course, respond back to her saying that it's not HIM I dislike... it's how she constantly moves men into the house. I bring up the sex addict problem. I bring up how it was one of the three things the kids asked for... for her to stop having men over to either sleep with her all the time or to move in penniless. Julie, of course, tells me that 'this one is different'... he just got a job... and that if THIS ONE doesn't work out, she promises she'll stop doing it when the kids come back home. I tell her she needs to get this help BEFORE the kids come back home, not say 'it won't happen after they move back home'. She also sends an email telling me that she doesn't really HAVE a sex addict problem, that it's the attention she craves. (Then tells me about her sex life with this young guy - yuck, YUCK, YUUUUUCK!)

I was thinking about some things though in talking to her. (Julie followed up by calling me after the emails). She says how it's not fair that the kids are not allowed to go over to other people's houses because there is NO BREAK, - EVER - for Chris, Jonathan and I. And... she's right. She also was talking about all the extra money she now has since she has no kids, works and is renting out part of her house. So..................... I was thinking............. I should tell her that - instead of buying the kids things they don't need and spoiling herself rotten - I want her to start saving all the money, put it into a savings account - and when the kids move back with her, she can buy Chris, Jonathan and I a CRUISE together. Don't you think that's a great idea??? I LOVE IT! **laughing at the idea** Yeah.... mom and Katie know how likely THAT is to happen. But hey... the thought was good.

Chris and I have another busy weekend in store: we were asked yesterday afternoon to sing on the praise team this weekend at church, which of COURSE we jumped right on - love that! Tonight I have to go the pharmacy and fill Jonathan's prescription (which always takes 30 min to an hour) Tonight and tomorrow I have to help the boys with their laundry since it's now the height of a person... they've GOT to get it done. Justin and Chris have a baseball game in the morning. Then Chris and I have to be at church by 4:30 to sing. Sunday... the normal 5-trips... no wait... the high schoolers have bowling instead of meeting at the church. That's worse actually because it adds one extra trip. Now we go to/from in the morning, drop off the middle schoolers at 5, pick them up at 7. Then bring the high schoolers to the bowling alley at 7:30 and pick them up at 9.

Oh lordy... and let's not forget I still have Kayla's physical to do! Oh my goodness, where - WHERE - am I going to get the time for all of this?

Okay.... funny that I'm planning on putting the title of this blog "Money to Burn" because we just got a call from American Eldercare. How do I explain this.... when your parents are old in the State of Florida and in need of a nursing home or Assisted Living Facility, you apply for Medicaid. Doug was approved for medicaid, and the Medicaid office told us how much money we have to pay the ALF. But, the ALF charges more than that, so they have to have a way to make more money. So the State has this 'diversion' program that you have to apply for. The diversion program will pay the additional fee, up to a certain amount. They will also pay for other things... hearing aid if needed, $20 in over the counter products, transportation to the doctors, etc. Great, huh? Well, Doug was with this one company from the beginning, but Central Tampa (his ALF facility) told us we HAD to change his provider because they didn't 'accept' the plan he was on. They told us we HAD to go with this other company, American Eldercare. So.... they just called Chris and told him that they need to have a sit-down meeting with us and talk about what it's going to cost us. WHAT????? They expect to get any more money from us???? Are you kidding me?????? My heart is RA-CING right now.

Ironically, on the other line (holding) is Julie who tells me that I really need to get Zephyrhills water delivery at home and get my nails done. I want to vomit, I'm so sick right now.

I call back the lady, and sure enough - they want more money. I'm like... listen - Central Tampa already gets 100% of EVERY SINGLE PENNY he receives. They take 100% of his Medicare check and 100% of his semi-annual life insurance check. Not 90%.... 100%. WE DON'T HAVE any more money to give you. She said... then we don't qualify.

Great. So I have to send an email to Karim, who is in charge out there at Central Tampa ALF. He's going to be furious... but I'm to the point right now where I don't care. I'm so upset I'm sick over it. And before you even ask... I take care of all of this because - after 16 years of working in the medical field, with government programs, and with insurance - I understand it. And understanding it is half (if not more) the battle.

I'm also sick to think that poor Doug probably thinks I don't come to see him because I don't love him or something. Gosh.... that is SO SO SO SO SO not it. I wish I had an extra 3 or 4 hours in ANY day that I could drive out there and visit with him. I wish he knew the countless hours I have spent dealing with his insurance, with the Medicaid folks, with Karim and his group out there at Central Tampa, with the CARES office, with different agencies trying to get him the best care possible. I wish.............................

I wish when these kinds of things came up with Doug, I didn't feel so very hopeless. Putting someone you love in a facility, regarless of how nice it is, is still a lose - lose situation. Even in the situation such as Doug's where we are physically unable to care for him as he needs 24-hour nursing care, there is still some level of a guilty feeling, regardless of how you know it's the 'only thing to do'. Add to that the governmental paperwork which just adds a TON of stress. And add to THAT how everyone wants to make every penny possible in order to care for him.... it FEELS hopeless. I haven't felt hopeless in a while and I don't like it one single bit.

Wait... as I'm typing this... the woman from American Eldercare just called again. She's spoken with Central Tampa and they have decided to accept us at the SAME amount of money we are paying right now. So we are exactly where we were before, which is good.

God.... did I lose faith in You just now... publicly... IN my blog as I was typing??? Yeah, I think I did. Shame on me. God, I know I put this in your hands a long time ago. I surrendered myself to You not too long ago, and at that time, gave you my worries, my fears, my hopes, my dreams, my life. I gave it all to You, for Your glory. For a moment, it just felt as if it were put back into my hands. Thanks for taking it back out of my hands for me.... or was it that you simply reminded me that You are already in control? In either case, I thank you, I trust you, and I am humbled by your presence in my life every day.

To my blog readers, I leave you with this....
Live as though Christ died yesterday, Rose from the grave today, and is coming back tomorrow.

Children Learn What They Live

I had forgotten all the blogs I've had to do last school year because of school issues. Sigh.....

We get a call yesterday on our voice mail at home from a teacher about Kayte. Now... Kayte has the best grades in the house! But the teacher said... she has been late for class 2 times and if she's late one more time, she gets a referral. (Which will put her into ISS, In School Suspension)She goes on to say that, although Kayte did really well at the beginning of the school year, she has become much more 'social' in her class... that she'll turn around and talk to other kids during class. The teacher asked that we talk to her about it and try to get her back on track.

So... after work yesterday, I sit down with Kayte and we talk about it. She gives excuses along with that attitude that I had almost forgotten - that 'it's not my fault' attitude. She tells me that the reason she was late two times was because they were having class in a different area of the school (maybe they were to meet in the Library instead of the classroom). I asked if *everyone* was late then, and she first tells me (defensively) that yes, everyone was late. I said, "wow, then a LOT of kids are going to have ISS because they were ALL late on these days??" She says (again defensively) "no" - that maybe 'everyone' wasn't late. I explain that she could not use it as an excuse then. Then we talked about her talking in class... and she tells me that she's not really talking in class... that sometimes Sean will ask her for a pencil and she'll turn around to give it to him. I said that I did NOT believe that was the only thing she ever did, and if it WERE true, she should not turn around to give him anything during class. Again, she tells me that she is NOT talking in class. I ask "so the teacher is blatantly lying to me then?" She says... she might talk a little, but this ONE class happens to be the one where she behaves the BEST and talks the LEAST. Very very frustrating. I - wanting to make sure we have summed up our conversations correctly - say to Kayte: "Let me make sure I understand this correctly. Your teacher called to say you have been late to class twice and that you are talking too much in class. She tells me your conduct grade is currently a C and slipping. YOU say that it's not your fault that you were late and that you are not talking much in your class... so... none of this is your FAULT". She says that no, it IS her fault, but that there were very good reasons why it was happening, and those reasons were not her fault. Therefore, she believes, she can not be blamed for it. We went over it again and again... but she FAILED to take responsibility, but then would SAY that she did.

Later, we had just finish up dinner and are sitting around the table talking, this subject comes up again. Again, Kayte gets EXTREMELY defensive, with the attitude of "I did nothing wrong". Chris - who was not there for our conversation earlier - immediately picks up on Kayte's "I did nothing wrong, it's not my fault" attitude. We both took extremely different roads, and - actually - Chris's was MUCH more effective. I chose to take 30 minutes or so and try to talk with her, try to reason with her, etc. Chris listened to her once, and talked very sternly to her... simply telling her (In the 'angry dad' tone of voice) that - no matter WHAT -teacher phone calls telling us someone was doing something wrong, being late for class and talking in class was all bad behavior and it had to STOP. NOW. No excuses, no explanations. Just STOP IT.

After he left, I looked over at Kayte who was sitting there as if someone told her the sky was purple, but she fully believed the sky was really blue. I told her - "Look Kayte, no matter what you believe in your head, what Uncle Chris said is entirely correct. Out of your mouth you SAY that you know you did wrong, but then you tell us all the reasons it's not your fault. Just STOP talking and take responsibility for it." She said she didn't know how to do that. We went through some role-play.... I said -- "Your teacher just called and said you are talking too much in class." I then added: you are supposed to say "I'm so sorry, I will do my best to stop talking during class." Kayte then tries to say all the reasons she WAS talking - how it wasn't really her fault. I stop her and say.... "Kayte... this is going to continue to get you into trouble the rest of your life if you can't get a handle on this. Just accept responsibility and LET IT GO." She just couldn't do it.... I ended up having to leave the room before I got even more upset.

Mind you --- she's the best behaved.

I find out today that Kayla has had a class that she again let fall into the "F" grade. Very frustrating. I tried to help her with her assignments, but sometimes she's just so stubborn and doesn't want to hear it. Example... Current Events. We saw the TV show Dateline about Debra LaFave... the next day she decided to do her current event on it. There was an article in the paper about her. Kayla's current event summary talked about everything that was on Dateline. The newspaper article she clipped had NOTHING to do about that. Instead, the article in the paper was about how the 14 year-old boy's mother reacted to watching the television show. The topics Kayla discussed in her summary did not - at all - match what was written in the article. When I asked her about it, she said that she never even bothered to read the article. She didn't think she needed to because she saw it all on TV the night before. Of course, she got a grade for her current event, she didn't fail, but it wasn't the 'A' it COULD have been. Frrrrrrrrrrrrrustrating.

Speaking of not wanting to read anything... I talked to Kayte again last night about her reading. I don't remember if I blogged about this before, but Kayte told me that she and a teacher had been trying to work together to help her with her reading. Kayte had been trying to read a very simple book - she would read a few pages, and then the teacher would ask her to summarize what she had read. Kayte said she couldn't do it. She could tell you the dog's name was spot. But she couldn't tell you what the story was really about. But Kayte added that if someone ELSE read her the book - she could understand it just fine. So last night I mentioned to her that I was wondering if maybe she had dyslexia or something like that. She got IMMEDIATELY upset saying that she was "not retarded" and that there was NOTHING wrong with her. I tried to explain that dyslexia wasn't a 'retard' problem... that it just meant that your brain didn't process what your eyes were reading correctly; that it might very well explain why she could hear something and process it better than she did if she were reading it. But she had already decided that admitting there could be any type of problem such as dyslexia would mean she was a retard, and that she no longer had any problems reading. Sigh. Yeah, it was a difficult night last night for Kayte. Indeed.

Justin is doing.... okay. Not great because he has a D in Geometry, but everything else is acceptable. Jonathan... well, we just don't know about him. His teachers are hard to get a hold of, although I'm trying like crazy to do so. Speaking of... one of his teachers just emailed me to tell me that he was doing very well in her class: "His participation is awesome!His overall average is currently a 79%." Woo hooooooo Lordy I needed that good news.

Tonight is choir rehearsal. Chris can't go tonight because Justin has baseball practice. (Now that he's 'Coach Chris' he has to be there as much as he can) Speaking of baseball practice... Kayla wants to try out for the basketball team, which is good. However, the fitness training for this started this past Monday, and Kayla couldn't do it. I have to get a physical form completed for her (drop it off at the local walk-in clinic to complete). Then I have to buy the school insurance - which, in my opinion, is NUTS. She is already fully covered by both Tricare and Medicaid. But they say every student must buy it. So... I've got to have the time to get down to the walk-in clinic and get this paperwork done. But -- when??? Monday night we had the visit from Natalia. Tuesday night I had TOT rehearsal. Wed night was another visit from Natalia. Tonight is choir rehearsal and baseball practice. Friday is Youth Festival day... Jonathan will be out all day teaching other kids from Middle and High school how to sing barbershop. Maybe there will be time after that (and after work) on Friday to get it done. Gosh... I hope so. But -- then she's missed a week already. Add to that the added stress of having another kid involved in sports... the practices... the games.... all the trips we'll have to make for these when our schedule is already jam-packed. Plus... part of me doesn't believe she's actually going to follow through with the try-outs. She's already tried to do the dance team and the step team... and quit both almost immediately. She said it would be different this time, but I don't know. This will be the 4th time I've had to pay for a physical form for Kayla (once for camp, once for dance, once for step and now for Basketball). Mmmm... maybe I didn't buy the one for step... but I know I did for the others. Sigh... I don't know what to do about this one. I feel that I should get the physical filled out and have her GO to practice and try out.

I find this school year a bit different for me, feelings wise. Last year - when we got the kids - I wanted nothing more than to whip the kids into shape. Teach them every single thing I could, and help mold them into better people. This year, with reunification being discussed as often as it is, I find myself wanting to settle for mediocrity. So... on this day that I feel compelled to put this in my blog that I've read dozens of times, but still rings true:

Children Learn What They Live
If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.
If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.
If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.
If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.
If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.
If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.
If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.
If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.
If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.
If children live with fairness, they learn justice.
If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.
If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.
If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.

What's In Your Attic?

Yesterday I finally got to meet Natalia, the new Hillsborough Kids worker (DCF outsourced care management). She came to the house and she was really very nice. Young, but nice. She is ~ different ~ than Karen. Karen seemed to take a personal interest with the kids once we got to know her... Natalia, well, just seemed very paperwork oriented... asked all the questions she was supposed to ask... etc. But again, she was very nice. She asked about Justin's therapy appointments, and I had to admit that I've done nothing about them... haven't even called to get a list of providers as of yet. But she didn't seem very bothered by this - she told me I had some time. Whew......

Natalia does have to come back to the house though because Justin wasn't there. He had his FIRST baseball game! Yippee! He did SO WELL. He's playing short stop, and he fielded two balls. One was a fly ball (my heart was racing as I saw him under it, thinking 'don't drop it, don't drop it!) and he CAUGHT it! His hitting was.... well... he struck out once and was walked the second time. None the less, we were very very proud of him... he's already improving greatly.

Katie and Tatiana made a drive all the way up to watch him play. It was funny... all the other parents/kids there were so quiet... so serious.... but not us. We were like "Go Justin go! Go Justin go!" and "Go Yankees!!!" Of course I also had to cheer on the Assistant Coach, Coach Chris. What a hottie he is! We only stayed until they pulled Justin out (2 or 3 innings) but we were most definitely the loudest cheering section there! And it was funny... although the girls had been to the ballpark before (as Justin played and his dad coached him) they'd never sat and actually SEEN an inning or a game. They would just 'walk around' the whole time. But I thought it was important for them to sit there and watch him, and of course cheer him on! Our cheering section had 6 of us, Kayla, Kayte, Jono, myself, Katie and Tatiana.

Afterwards, I went home to get dinner for the girls and Jonathan. I had been cooking it for a day and a half... crock pot cooked pulled pork and BBQ sauce served on hoagie buns with french fries. Yummy.

As we started dinner, Katie called - she was BALLING her eyes out. At first, I thought something happened in the car... she had an accident and something happened to Tatiana??? I couldn't even understand her at first. Then I realized what she was saying..... it wasn't fair that Ron wasn't here to see Justin play. Why did he have to die? Why couldn't he be there to watch his kids grow up and learn and do new things? I told Katie that he WAS watching... that he WAS there... that he was their Angel.

This kind of thing is so very hard. I believe that Ron is in heaven. I'm no longer angry with God for taking him. I believe that God knows what He is doing and I trust that. But... at the same time, it is still really hard to go through these kinds of things and not wish he was here to see it. I can imagine when the girls get married.......... oh lordy....... that's going to be extremely hard.

Speaking of boyfriends - I should tell you what just happened to Kayla. Kayla has been dating this guy "Pito" for over a month. (Real name is Oswaldo... not a very popular name for a black young man, so he goes by "Pito") I've told you before what a very nice young man he is... polite... kind... good to Kayla... etc. Well, apparently Pito's cousin told Kayla that Pito smoked (cigarettes). Without any verification or confrontation, Kayla (I find out after the fact) broke up with Pito. As of Sunday night, I still didn't know anything about it. Kayla is on phone restriction so is not using the phones, so it's been really quiet around the house. Sunday night, after the kids get back from their Sunday night teen gathering... Kayla comes in and asks me if she can call Pito... she has tears in her eyes and I can sense the urgency in her voice. She has NOT asked to use the phone before while on phone restriction, so I was surprised she asked. Then again... I could tell something was not quite right. I asked her why, and she told me about breaking up with Pito. Then she tells me that she was in the church and everyone was praying, and she just started crying and crying... she knew that breaking up with Pito for the reasons she had was not a good thing. She said that, he's been so good to her and at the first suggestion / rumor -- she immediately broke up with him and she felt awful about it.

I was deeply moved by the fact that she felt this during Church. Naturally I let her call him (5 minutes)... and they are back together again. Frankly I'm surprised that they are still dating... he doesn't go to her school... he works every day... and she's on phone restriction and banned from the Internet. But they are still together and I really feel it's a good thing. Good for both of them. :o)

Tonight should be fun. Since I quit the chorus, Toast of Tampa, 2 years ago, I'm no longer the Tenor Section Leader (of course). Well, the new section leader is out of town tonight, and guess who gets to lead the section? You betcha - I do! And... it's a big night for that as well... we are having sectional rehearsals and sectional qualifications tonight as well. I'm really nervous about it and excited at the same time. Funny how that happens!

I just called to check in on Julie as I haven't talked to her since her visit last week. She seems to be doing very well. She is staying at the Sandpiper Beach Resort for a couple of days with her boyfriend. Must be nice.

Well, this just shouldn't be a short blog... I've got way too much time on my hands today. So... I think I'll tell ya another one of our stories. This one is about our squirrels.

We were renting a home down in South Tampa. The landlord had no idea how good she had it that we were renting from her... if anything needed fixing or upgrading, we did it all on our dime. Put in a nice closet system, had the AC maintenance done, etc. But we do have our limits on what we can handle... as you've already learned, Chris has a major rodent fear. :o)

One night, Chris and I were up at All Children's Hospital. That friend of mine who's daughter just passed was there, her daughter had just that day been diagnosed with a brain tumor. We were there waiting with her for some news. Amanda (then a teenager) was home alone and in bed. We had a cat at that time K.C., which - again, from a prior post you've learned also does not like rodents. K.C. was Amanda's cat and often times slept with her. Late that night, Amanda kept hearing KC in her room, playing. She threw things at him to get him to stop and hopefully run out, but he didn't. Finally, at her wits end, she goes to grab a pillow one last time, and realizes she's already thrown it, it's on the floor. Eyes still adjusting to the dark, she bends over the bed (body still laying down) to reach for the pillow to throw it at KC. Eyes have now adjusted to the dark, and she's face to face with a squirrel, in her room... looking at her. She freaks out, the squirrel freaks out, everyone is screaming. When Chris and I arrive home Amanda is (of course) not in her room but the squirrel is. We go in there to catch it... after all, squirrels are cute and all! Well, this one must have been possessed because the screeching noises he made as we chased him all over that room were awful! We did catch him and threw him outside. Little did we know at the time, we had someplace where they were getting into the attic and more were to follow.

Following this excitement, we continued to hear little pitter-patter feet in the attic. Now knowing they were squirrels we attempted to get them out. We called our landlord who told us that rodents were 'our problem' - which I totally didn't get since they were up there destroying HER home, but we tried to take care of it ourselves, being the good tenants we were and all.

We rented a 'have a heart' trap which Chris put in the attic. We can't close the outside hole in which they are getting in just yet because we don't want them to die in the attic... we want to get them all out and THEN close up their entrance. Now, not wanting to get the ladder out and set it up, open the hole in the attic, climb up and look each and every time we had to check the trap, he left the ladder UNDER the open hole in the attic (which was in the office) so that we could frequently climb up and check the trap. Seemed like a good idea at the time......

Yet another time when we were out and Amanda was home alone (again with Chris, Drew and Christal I believe) -- we get a phone call. Amanda is F-R-E-A-K-I-N-G out. Apparently Amanda had tried to go into the office, only to find a little squirrel friend climbing DOWN the ladder. She froze in her spot, as did the squirrel. Amanda grabbed a phone to call Chris. As she's doing this, the squirrel climbs to the ground, still looking at Amanda. She says "Dad, there is a squirrel IN the office, looking at me". Chris tells her to just run in there and scare him. He was a squirrel, he'd get scared, run up the ladder back into the attic and - if we're lucky - into the trap. Sounds good, huh? Yeah... Neeeeeever that simple. She proceeds into the office to scare him... but he wanted no part of it. As a matter of fact, he got downright MAD and -- CHARGED at her. She screams, turns around, runs out the door, shutting it behind her. Chris said it was probably a defense mechanism thing, and to try to go in again... she does, and again, the darn squirrel CHARGES at her. Can you BELIEVE this guy?? Of course, each time she does this, there is pure PANIC stricken SCREAMING going on over the phone.

I don't remember exactly how it happened, but the squirrel DID eventually get back up and/or out of the house somehow. We actually caught MANY squirrels in that trap. Got our money's worth, for sure.

Most of the time I checked the trap. Chris and rodents... not a good mix. But other times Chris did check it as well. We have caught so many, and - according to our ears - we have only ONE more that we know of living up there. So... this one day, Chris gets up the nerve to climb the ladder and check the trap. Mind you... there is no light in the attic, so you've got to give your eyes a few seconds to adjust to the darkness to see into the trap. Chris climbs up... all brave and all.... looking at the trap, waiting for his eyes to adjust. All the sudden he hears it - behind him..... "tha-thump..... tha-thump.... tha-thump.... tha-thump....." the sound gets closer and closer.... he turns slowly on the ladder, afraid that his biggest fear might be coming true... and sure enough....... squirrel is RACING towards him, the tha-thump is him jumping the beams - heading directly towards him. Chris's eyes get H-U-G-E as he realizes what is happening and that it's so quick, there is little he can do. Tha-thump.... tha-thump.... to the beam right in front of him... squirrel hits the air and Chris just sees four tiny little feet and one long tail headed right at his face. The squirrel's next step is ON his head, then tha-thump onto the TOP of the trap, and then down the rest of the house... tha-thump...... tha-thump. That darned squirrel not only wasn't afraid, not only charged at him, but JUMPED ON HIS HEAD!

Now.... I'm sitting just outside the door and all I hear is the freakish sound that a man (apparently) makes when he doesn't want to scream like a girl, and then I witness him falling down the ladder onto the floor, shocked by what just happened.

I'm sorry to say that when we caught THAT particular squirrel, he didn't make it back outside to play with his friends. He was buried in the front yard, close to the hole where they got in to begin with, as if to tell the other squirrels even thinking of trying to get back in "this COULD happen to you too if you even TRY it."

Never had a squirrel problem after that. Of course... that was about the time that we began to actively look into moving. Coincidence? I don't think so!

Alleviate Burdens

I have very little time to blog today. It's been a crazy week.... and will be even crazier weekend.

Tonight my chorus (TOT) is having a coaching session starting at 6:30. Chris is attending a Vocal Artistry seminar and has already left for that. Jonathan called and jammed his finger playing ball at school and it's starting to swell and bruise already. Grrrrrrrreat. Kayla and Justin want to go to the football game.... Kayte wants to go to the mall and movies with one of her friends, and I guess that leaves Jonathan at home alone (IF everyone else leaves that is).

Kayte, just now (4:35 pm), asked me about going to the movies/mall tonight... so I'm not sure if I'm going to let her go or not. So, I'm trying to finish up work (while blogging, fun - fun) and get out of here, get home to check on Jonathan (whom I told to put an ice pack on his hand until I get home... I'll bet you $10 I get home and there will be no ice pack on his hand....), call the mom who is supposed to give Justin and Kayla a ride to the game, call the mom of the girl who Kayte is supposed to go to the mall/movie with, get dressed and head out to the Tampa Bay Performing Arts Center to get to rehearsal in time. God help me............

Then tomorrow, similar kind of day.... of course all the kids WANT to do something, but I've already squashed any plans for tomorrow. In the morning, I have TOT coaching again and Chris has the Vocal Artistry class again. I get out of TOT coaching at 2, need to rush home, get Chris and the kids and hop back in the car to head to Lakeland for little Christal's... "celebration of life".

Then the same crazy routine for Sunday is planned.... 5 trips to the Church. I say that, but, I really don't mind, because all the kids love going! But, it puts a real strain on my weekly housecleaning chores and I still haven't found a way to make it less stressful on Sundays.

I haven't given you an update on my sister Katie. WOW she is doing so well. She's the one who quit the restaurant business (was a manager for Stadium Bennigans) after working in it since she was 17 or so. She did this because she has the most AMAZING and beautiful little girl, Tatiana, who is 3. She needed to spend more time with her... be there 'normal' hours, not get home from work at 5am and have to go back out by Noon that same day. Well, she was hired on as an Assistant Manager for SunTrust bank (with NO experience I might add) and has already, in TWO WEEKS, been promoted to Manager. WOW Katie... I'm so proud of you and happy for you!

Amanda and I have not talked today, which is good. Remember my resolution yesterday to be much more positive? Well, I received this quote today, and I thought it was PERFECT timing. I'll leave you with it. Have a great weekend!


"In life you can never be too kind or too fair; everyone you meet is carrying a heavy load. When you go through your day expressing kindness and courtesy to all you meet, you leave behind a feeling of warmth and good cheer, and you help alleviate the burdens everyone is struggling with."
-- Brian Tracy

Destiny

I have been extremely emotional all day today as a result of some heated conversations with Amanda. I've decided to look on the bright side and think only of the positives in this regard. Wish me luck! For example... I am VERY happy that she is in Orlando with the love of her life and her two good friends. I am very happy she's working in a Super Target and making more money. I'm very happy that I don't have to worry about how she's getting to and from work. I'll look back on her time spent with us and try my best to think of the good things... the times she had the kids clean up because I wasn't feeling well and just being able to spend some one-on-one time with my daughter. Worrying about what happened, what she thinks, what she's doing, what she's planning -- I can't change any of that... so I'm going to do my best to NOT worry about these things. In some emails to her, I tried to tell her over and over again that... I love her and I wish her all the best in the world. End of story.

Moving on...........

I joined a support group online for folks with or family of someone with Asperger Syndrome and asked for help/advice on Jonathan and his schoolwork (the zeros). I received a very nice reply from a guy in California. He's in his 70's and had the same problem Jonathan did when he was in school. He did poorly in grade school, and flunked out of college........... twice. BUT... he went on to get his degree and ended up a VERY successful man who worked in areas such as genetics, biophysics, petrochemistry and computers. I've read a little bit about him and it's pretty cool stuff. To know that he struggled in school as well, and ended up pushing through and becoming so successful. He's going to talk with me more about his struggles with AS and school, and I can't wait to hear all about it.

Julie's visit last night was rather......... short. There are a few reasons for this - one being that Chris and I kind of yelled at her, secondly because she said she wasn't feeling all that well. Here's what happened: I get home about 5:15, and immediately I go to the dining room table for our nightly 'homework check'. All four kids leave their homework on the table so that I can see what they've done and correct it (if needed). They also leave any notes and important papers on the table. Oh, and can't forget about the A's and B's for the WOW WALL they leave on the table. So... it's always pretty crazy right after work. BUT -- Julie is on her way for her weekly supervised visit and she is HUNGRY. Mind you.... 37 yo, 5' 4" and 350 lbs of hungry. I don't really say that to be mean... but if you don't know Julie, you have to try and paint the picture in your mind. Anyways -- Julie is in her car and calls the house maybe 4 times (couple times to ask about what to pick up from McDonalds, once from the driveway to ask for someone to come out and help her bring stuff in, then another time or two to tell the kids to set the table, then once more to tell the kids to put ice in the cups).

She walks in and I'm at the dining room table checking homework. We've not set the table yet... we can't - there is schoolwork all over it! She is HUNGRY and wants to eat ----- IMMEDIATELY. She's not happy and it shows. I'm stressed and it shows as I'm trying to get the homework checked so that I can then turn my attention to what Julie wants/needs from me to get dinner going. But Julie can't wait... she wants to eat now. I suggest that she go sit at the Kitchen table. Julie says it's too small. Chris... seeing the two of us... tells Julie "JULIE! Tina is here doing the best she can to help properly raise OUR kids AND YOUR kids! Leave her alone and just go eat!" Yeah... it got a little quiet after that. But it was TRUE... and I think it needed to be said.

Anyways... we had dinner... she stayed for a little bit and then left. She won't be here for a visit next week as she's taking a vacation on St. Pete beach with her 23-year old boyfriend. I didn't say anything.... it'll be nice not having to worry about a visit next week.

One thing I should mention... a couple of times during Julie's visit, I did think about recording her interaction with the kids. I have a handy-dandy new digital recorder and it would have been very simple. She didn't do anything 'wrong'... but sometimes the conversation was a little weird. Not weird... immature. It's hard to explain.... which is why I thought that recording it and maybe going back to listen to it later might help me put words to it. It's hard when you are right THERE and doing a zillion things to really hear and analyze what's going on.

Anywho.........

I'm not going to Choir Practice tonight. Chris has baseball practice with Justin and I think I'm just going to take the night 'off'. I'm going to go home, make a quick and easy meal and then go to bed early. That sounds like............. heaven. Heck, maybe I'll take a bubble bath first. :o)

One last thing. I have this quote (which I've put in my blog before) in front of me every day, as well as on the fridge at home. Given the happenings with Amanda today... I thought it was worth repeating. Enjoy:

Watch your thoughts, for they become words.
Watch your words, for they become actions.
Watch your actions, for they become habits.
Watch your habits, for they become character.
Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.

Facing Obstacles

Well, nothing really earth-shattering to post here today, but I feel the need to post.

Without going into detail, I'll just tell you that - Things with Amanda and I are not good. It hurts so very much. If indeed the reason for the whole thing IS what SHE says it is... if it's just that I "wouldn't show her where the money she was going to be paying was going to be spent"... then this should be a no-brainer no-argument thing. She doesn't believe that the money she was going to pay was going to be used towards bills... or that the $300 was not 1/7 of our bills... then she could live somewhere else. It SHOULD be a non-issue... and instead it became a huge fight. UGG.

I should probably add here that, the day after Amanda's BLASTING blog about us, she posts this wonderful, beautifully worded blog about how she dreamed she was going to meet some Duke... with all these other women... all who wanted to win him over and she only wanted the answers to life, only wanted to know 'why am I here'.... and - very long story short - she jumped onto this dilapidated ship and everything turned new and shiny... she looked into the Duke's eyes and it was Gene. The timing of this well-worded blog was horrid and just made me want to vomit. As a matter of fact, I kind of did... you know, where you vomit a little in your mouth. LOL

Tonight is a bit of a problem night for us. Julie is coming over for a visit and Jonathan has a conference night. And now just talked to Chris about Jonathan (who just got home from school). I'm already EXTREMELY emotional... and now we have to deal with Jonathan who is sitting on the sofa watching TV instead of doing the bazillion missing assignments he has. Chris is upset and yelling.... I am at work trying to put in a $67,000 order... thinking about Julie's visit tonight... thinking about Amanda who has said some horrible things about me.... and I just want to cry. Crap... now I said it... and now I'm crying. Fricking great.

This is all I have the time and energy to blog about right now.