No Time To Stop

Wow... it's been a busy weekend, and it's only just begun.

Chris and I realized yesterday how busy it's going to be with two in Middle school and two in High school. CRAZY busy. However - in a weird way - it'll be nice to get back into routines. It's just going to take a little bit of time to find a routine that works. :o)

The "Wow Wall" is up and ready for good grades. The school supplies are purchased. The lunch paperwork is completed. Still haven't received all of their paperwork for school telling them what classes they have, but hopefully that will come in today or tomorrow. I called Gaither today to ask about their football program because Justin really wants to be in JV football, but was told that practices start TODAY at 3pm. He'd need a physical and paperwork completed before he can try out. She said we could come in to the office and pick up the paperwork today, but I have to work all day today (boss just returned from a vacation and we are VERY busy here today). The whole week looks awful as a matter of fact. I know he'd be really happy if he were involved in sports... he hasn't been involved in any sports since his Dad died. Maybe I can get him to ride a bike up there, pick up the paperwork, and just show up at practice to show them that he's interested (although he can't actually practice until the physical is done). I just checked a map and it's roughly 3-1/2 miles to the school. I'll talk to him about it at lunch and see what he wants to do.

We got the SHARES food on Saturday morning. It was good, they made a mistake with my order, but still a good deal. Instead of ordering "Double Meat" for us, they ordered double Veggies. Now, those of you who know me know - veggies and me don't know each other very well! But I've been doing my best to try to use them. Saturday night I made a meal using stuff I got from SHARES, baked some chicken breasts, made a sauce of diced onions, red peppers, scallions, and fresh tomatoes, had steamed broccoli & cauliflower, and baked sweet potatoes. Yummy! Dessert consisted of fresh kiwi and cantaloupe. It was a really GOOD meal! The food wasn't 'leftover' food or anything like that. The meat wasn't from a company I recognized, but it was still good fresh food. And the veggies and fruits were wonderful. I would definitely recommend anyone get involved with this SHARES program.

So... Julie called my house last night at 12:30 am. Why on earth she called so LATE I have no idea. Chris said she had called at 11 and I wasn't yet home with the kids (they were at a church function till late) so she just called at 12:30 to talk to them. First of all, she had already called earlier in the day (right after church)... but second of all, that's too late for anyone's home phone to be ringing without really bad news on the other end! I'm going to talk to her about it today. (Mind you, she's only allowed to call once a day - they had to set a restriction because she used to call 7+ times day when she was allowed to call whenever she wanted.) As the kids get settled into routines around school, she's going to have to do the same. It might be hard for her with her work schedule, but she needs to respect our rules and call at decent times.

Oh... about Kayla. She's been VERY distant the past week or so. Ever since she got in trouble for all of her internet stuff. At first I assumed it was because she had a friend over. (She always acts different with a friend over - her entire world revolves around the friend and it's as if she has no sister, brother or family - not just with this friend, but rather with ANYONE who comes over). She was still distant after the friend left however, so I assume it's because she's totally cut off from the computer. Kayte even asked her about it the other day, saying "Kayla, why are you acting like this? The other day you were nice to me and now you're acting all mad". Kayla responded telling her that she's "never been nice to her". Kayte says that Kayla did this with her mom all the time and that Julie, not wanting Kayla mad at her all the time, would give in to her. Mind you, Kayla is not saying or doing anything wrong. She's just giving everyone the 'cold shoulder'. Oh well, she'll have to get over it because I'm NOT giving in!

I want to share with you a special night that Chris and Kayte had. You see, Kayte is the quiet and often ignored child. If she's talking people tend to just interrupt and talk over her. I don't know why... but I've witnessed things like this time and time again with her. Kayla is the boisterous outgoing one, Justin is the outgoing macho-guy, and Kayte is just sweet quiet Kayte. Not to say she never does anything wrong (because Lord knows she does!) but, it's just her mannerism. Anyways... Justin and Kayla were at a Church outing last night. Amanda was at work. Jonathan and I were home but were not very hungry. Our neighbor had given Chris 4 stuffed flounders to make for dinner one night, so he decided to make it for just he and Kayte. I saw them eating at the smaller kitchen table and it was so cute! They had stuffed flounder, shrimp & artichokes, white rice and to drink, Kook-aid in a wine glass. She mentioned that she and her dad used to have "date night" every so often, and this reminded her a lot of that. It was very cool.

I also took Kayla and Justin clothes shopping this weekend. It's funny how much more expensive boy's clothes are... it's just not right! I then took Justin for a haircut. This time I took him where he wanted to go... a place called "Fademasters". Let me just tell you right now, I have never - EVER - felt as totally white as I did on Saturday at Fademasters. It was like.... a different world! I don't mean that as in better OR worse... it was just..... different. They gave him a great haircut though. We'll have to go back there. Oh, and the funny story about that is that... Justin wants me to take him back on Wednesday. Yes.... 4 days after his haircut... for a trim. Now, I must look to these kids as if I was born yesterday! But ya'll know I wasn't! I told Justin that, even IF money and time were of no problem, there is no way I'd take him for a trim on a cut he got 4 days prior. Too funny!

I never give you updates on my good sister, Katie. I'm really proud of her so I wanted to tell you all what is going on with her and ask that you say some special prayers for her. She is a manager at the Stadium Bennigan's in Tampa. She works INCREDIBLY long hours. Sometimes she gets home at 3am, and then has to go in a few hours later to work a mid. She has a two year-old daughter who is being raised (for the most part) by her grandma because Katie works so much. The restaurant business is all Katie has ever known, and she's dang good at it. Well... she took a risk, took an enormous pay cut, and in a couple of weeks will no longer be a restaurant manager! She's be the Assistant Manager of a SunTrust Bank. Prayers were answered because SunTrust hired her with NO experience... so no doubt God's hand was involved in her getting that job. I'm just so very proud of her for making this change for the good of her family (as well as her own quality of life). Please say some prayers for her -- that things will all go well for her.

I have another headache already this afternoon. It's going to be a long day... I should get going. I'll leave you with these words:

"Learn to enjoy every minute of your life. Be happy now. Don't wait for something outside of yourself to make you happy in the future. Think how really precious is the time you have to spend, whether it's at work or with your family. Every minute should be enjoyed and savored."
Earl Nightingale

It's The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year....

Yes... it is the most wonderful time of the year! Back to school time! Only six days from today the kiddos will be getting off a BUS right about now... and would have eaten TWO of their meals at school, looking to us only for an after school snack, dinner, and dessert. Yippeeeeeee! I suppose it's time to go home and start preparing this year's "Wow Wall". The kids are already looking forward to it. If you a new reader to this blog, the Wow Wall was set up to encourage the kids to do well in school on a day-to-day basis. We clear the walls in the dining room, put up colorful paper, with a sign that says "WOW WALL" in the middle of a wall... then any kid who brings home an A or B gets to tape it to the wall. The kid have a sense of pride when sitting around the dinner table at night looking at all of their good grades. :o)It worked really well for them last school year - and - since they are looking forward to it, I assume it'll work well again this year.

Big news on the Kid and Julie front.... our current DCF worker, Karen Fletcher, is resigning effective 8/11/06. That could be good, could be bad. Could be good because this new person might be able to get things moving faster. Could be bad because she might decide to push the kids to get home even faster. The other side that is totally a downfall is that we have to 'start new' again with someone totally different. If you remember correctly, when Karen started it took her roughly 2 months to even read Julie's file! (it is a rather large file, but still!) I talked to Karen about a couple things with the kids and Julie while we were discussing her leaving... one being Kayla's need for a mental health referral. She explained that she called someone she knows who told her that Kayla didn't need to see someone who specializes in 'sex' stuff because she felt it was definately a behavior problem. I would completely agree with that. Course, we are still nowhere with getting her in anyplace! Very frustrating. I also talked to her about the kids and gangs. Of course I've told you that they were involved in gangs (yeah folks, real honest-to-goodness gangs) when they were living at home. Of course they are not active in that at all while living here, but they should be educated in how not to get involved (or to get un-involved) for when they get home. Karen told met that she still didn't think they were ever going home so I shouldn't worry about it. I told her that - as SLOW as every single thing in this process is -- if Julie saw a Judge in January who said she could have the kids back after XX period of time, we'd need to get started soon to be ready by then. I mean... we've been working on getting Julie a second opinion with a Psychiatrist for 7 months now... and it's still not happened.

We are going to pick up the SHARES food tomorrow. I can't wait to see what we get for the price. I really hope and pray it's enough to carry us through the month. That was pretty random... but I was just thinking about it. Anyways....

So, life is totally different with Amanda living at home now. I don't know how to explain it except to say that it's just different. When we get home from work, instead of being totally focused on the kids, we are more focused on what's going on with Amanda. Typically there is discussion from the kids about how Amanda is yelling at them or bossing them around, which is frustrating. We've talked to her over and over again about not 'parenting' the kids, but she keeps doing it. The other day Jonathan called me at work to ask me something stupid. I was trying to politely tell him that I would have to deal with it when I got home that night, but - he couldn't hear me. Why not you ask? Because Amanda was in the kitchen screaming at him telling him not to call me with these kinds of things at work. He couldn't even hear me she was yelling at him so badly. Course there are other things... how she's getting to/from work, how is she going to buy uniforms for work, she's going out with friends, etc. Last night Chris and I went to Church for Choir practice. I called home to check in... Amanda was rip-roaring drunk. She had gotten into our liquor and had several shots. Now... before you go thinking it, Amanda isn't a drunk. We don't need to hide it from her. And frankly, I don't mind if she has a shot every once in a while when she's home. I'd rather her do it here then someplace else. But she was way past a shot or two. By the time we got home, she was on the phone talking to some guy we don't know and kept falling out of her bed. I asked her to get off the phone (probably 10 times I asked total) and she told me that she "pays rent and can do whatever she wants". Oh yeah... this is going to be good, huh? I said, "You are paying rent now??" She replied, "yep, it says in my rental agreement that total due for July and August is zero dollars." I was so upset... I mean, July and August was a gift to help her get caught up. She's going to throw it in my face literally saying "I can do what I want because I pay rent". I'm hoping it was just the alchohol talking... I'll talk to her about it tonight when I get home. I am fully aware that she had a tendancy to 'push my buttons' and get me to over react. I'm trying not to do that. I want her to settle down, work hard, save money, go to church, and find peace in her life. One day at a time I suppose.

I need to run. I'll leave you with a quote from Acts 2:25 - I was reading through Acts today and this caught my eye. Remember to thank God for your blessings!

"I always see the Lord near me, and I will not be afraid with him at my right side. Because of this, my heart will be glad, my words will be joyful, and I will live in hope.”

Ready For Some Good News?

Well... I just so happen to have a bit of good news!

Chris and I made the Praise Team at church! I am so very excited that we are given the opportunity, in particular after we felt that we had bombed - because we know we have so much more that we are capable of. Now we get the chance to prove that! Yippee!!

I was also sung in again to Toast of Tampa last night. (Two good news things in one night! WOW!) Boy it's good to be back. They also changed the drop dead date (DDD) for our annual show. (The date when you have to have all of your songs passed vocally and visually) I really don't know if I'll make the DDD because you have to have every single note, breath, word, dynamic plan, everything must be perfect on one taping. But it gives me a chance I suppose. I was also given my first tapes to listen to as a tape listener (the one who determines if all notes, words, breaths, etc are indeed perfect). That's always an enriching experience, but it just hurts to tell someone they have to retape. You also have to make sure that you word things in a constructive way... for example... you could say "BOY that note was flat!" or you could say "good breath support, but the note could be a little more lifted". Yeah....

So... Amanda started her first day of work at Target today. Actually, she's in orientation, not 'working' yet, but it's good that she got the job and she's working! She said the bike ride nearly killed her - it was so hot out there. It's maybe 2 miles away... so I think she'll get used to it.

One more thing I should mention about the computer fiasco we've experience this week. I want to make sure that I made it clear that Kayla was the only one abusing. The kids have only ONE computer, so it's not like they are all stuck to it all the time. Especially because everyone wants some time on it, so they have to rotate throughout the day (during the summer that is). Further, I am not certain that the computer itself is at fault here. Sure... computers can be evil and open doors to crazy people (Amanda so colorfully pointed out to me, lol!)... but Kayla's issue - this need for acceptance, approval, love, and feeling that she needs to have guys want her all the time - this issue is the deep-seeded problem that is getting her into trouble. When she goes out. When she's on the phone. When she's outside. When she's on the computer. It's all about her choices/decisions. The issue itself follows her no matter what she is doing. And still no word from Karen yet about Kayla seeing someone about it.

Speaking of kids... we bought the school supplies for the year. Just under three hundred dollars. Holy cajolie. But they have a ton of stuff and it was all tax free. I've not bought any school clothes. I am not sure that I need to. Kayla and Justin are the only two wearing 'real' clothes to school, Jonathan and Kayte wear uniforms. Since Jonathan can wear his uniform clothes from last year as well as Justin's (same size) and Kayte can wear hers as well as Kayla's from last year (same size) - they have plenty of uniforms (I think anyways). Kayla still has clothes that she puts on that I've never seen her wear since living with me (since Nov or so), so I can't imagine she needs new clothes. (Of course, she's still telling everyone she does need new clothes) Justin... I think he's okay - he might need a few things, but I'll play it by ear once school starts.

And speaking of getting ready for school, Nana bought Jonathan his first contacts last week! And - Jon is doing GREAT in them! He takes them out at night, puts them back in every morning. Thank you so much Nana for taking such good care of him! Chris called me on the way home while in the car and I could hear in the background "Dale Mabry". "Dry Cleaners". "No Right On Red". He was just reading everything he possibly could. So cool!

Before I leave, I have a quick commercial for you. Chris is self-employed as a handyman. He does bathrooms, incredible tile work, painting, pressure washing, and lots of other things. This is a very slow time for him with the people he usually works for. No jobs = no money. If you or someone you know needs something done, please feel free to call him to get a quote. His cell number is: 813.748.7255. Thank you!

Dr. Phil

So I sent an email to family members for support today regarding Kayla. I fully realize that her level of 'need' is beyond what I alone can give her right now. She's been at a church function yesterday and today so we haven't talked further about what happened with all her internet activity. However, I did check her myspace again this morning and found that she had changed her account to "Public" after I had gone in and changed her to private. We've had many conversations about this... how she is still young and should not have a public profile on this big networking site. She's already had over ELEVEN THOUSAND profile views. Seeing as how she did this, and realizing that I'm not going to allow her on the computer anymore while she is with me anyways, I deleted her myspace account all together. She's going to be quite upset about this when she learns about it - but oh well! Amanda just told me that Kayla is already planning how to get around all of this, setting up new profiles with no info listed (so you can't search and find her). Amanda's words "She's out of control". Amanda also suggested I write Dr. Phil (prefacing it with, "I know this might sound dumb, but"). Heck, I love Dr. Phil. I have no problem sitting down and writing him a letter. You know how much I love to write! Worst case scenario is he throws it away and I've only wasted 10 minutes of my time. Middle-of-the-road scenario is that he offers some advice via mail or something. Best case scenario he offers us full-blown help. So... I did it. I wrote to him. Here is the letter.
**warning - this is long as I had to fill Dr. Phil in on all I possibly could**

July 25, 2006

Dear Dr. Phil,

I desperately need your help and am not sure where else to turn should you be unable to help us. I hate to write a lengthy letter, however, I feel it’s important that you understand everything that is going on which led to where we are today.

I am married to my high-school sweetheart (20 years this August), with two wonderful children (Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13). I have two sisters, both younger – I call them “my good sister” and “my bad sister”. My good sister is – well, good! Normal in every way. The bad one, Julie, has been in trouble since she was a kid. As a baby she cried all of the time. As a teenager she was in trouble all of the time. At the age of 14 or so I remember that she had run away from home to live with a grown man in Atlanta. This was one of many run a ways. As a teenager, she provided sexual favors to boys in school, as well as teachers. As a young adult she was arrested for prostitution. She’s done drugs ranging from marijuana to crack. She was diagnosed early on as bi-polar with personality disorder. She’s also a serious cutter to the point where she no longer hid the cuts. She’s cut things like “Ronald Cecchinni” into her arm… and “Fuck you Dr. XXX” on her stomach, in large letters. Julie is also a diagnosed sex-addict. She’s also recently (in the past year) begun ‘huffing’. (I honestly believe that this huffing has caused some permanent damage) She is currently 36yo.

Julie lost her husband Ron a year and a half ago as a result of Leukemia and Kidney Disease which the military attributed to his serving in the Gulf War. He left behind three children – Kayla who is now 15, Justin who is now 14 and Kayte who is now 13. Even when Julie was married, her psychiatric problems persisted. She has been hospitalized literally hundreds of times over the years. However, when her husband was alive, he would take care of the kids when Julie was mentally out of control. After Ron died, Julie lost control of the kids and her life. She began to spiral out of control, having pot parties at her home (to the point where the kids said a door would open and a cloud of smoke would come bellowing out of the room), smoking weed with her own kids, having sex all over the house with different men all the time, allowing young men (19 yo) to sleep over with her oldest daughter (only 14 at the time), and allowing Gang members to live in her home (she said she felt ‘safe’ with them there). In addition, she was attempting suicide daily, overdosing on medications hoping to not wake up the next morning. Mind you all of this while she was seeing her Psychologist every week and Psychiatrist once a month. Both of these Doctors knew what was going on at home, neither of them reported it to the proper authorities. I have even been told by one of them that he was told, by Julie, that she ‘heard voices telling her to hurt the children’ but that she was proud that she could ignore the voices. Still, these Doctors reported nothing.

I should add here that it was at some point in this period of time in Julie’s life when her children began suicide watches over their mom… each one taking turns to sit in a room with her at all hours (night and day) because their mom was less-likely to hurt herself while they were here. However, it didn’t always work – Julie constantly took pills in front of them trying to either dope herself up or overdose, and she would even cut herself in front of the kids.

Finally one day, she woke up furious that her last suicide attempt didn’t work. She got violent with her oldest daughter, police were called, and finally DCF was called. (I would like to add that we (other family members) had called DCF in the past to report things, but some of the cases were ‘unfounded’ and one other time the fled the state knowing CF only had jurisdiction in Florida.) DCF removed the children from the home in November 2005 and I gained custody of the Children shortly thereafter.

There are lots of things I could add here about my sister, DCF, and the horrible Foster Care or Custodial Care program we are involved with. However, that is not my main reason for writing to you.

I am writing because I fear for the kids and I’ve reached the end of what I think I am able to do for one of them.

Kayte, the youngest, seems to be adjusting pretty well. She has a tendency to trivialize what her mom has done and the seriousness of it, but I think that is normal given that it is her mom. Kayte was in counseling, but she feels it’s ‘a waste of time’.

Justin, the middle child, is okay. As a young boy I'm told he was a terror (a show you had recently showing a boy about the age of 5 or 6 who looked possessed would describe him at that exact same age). He used to hit his mother and at one point (only 6yo) tried to jump off a building to kill himself. Since then, his anger has turned in to an endless smothering of love and caring. He does everything for his mom… from getting her whatever she needs to rubbing her feet and back. Justin has seen a psychiatrist since moving in with me who felt that his issues were brought on by trauma. It was also at that visit with the psychiatrist that he confided in myself and the Doctor that he had suicidal thoughts often while living at home with his mom in her ‘state of being’ after his dad died. However, since he moved in with me he has done so much better (and continues to improve daily) that she didn’t feel he even needed counseling at this time. He would, however, need counseling before he was reunited with his mom.

Kayla, the oldest, has serious issues. She is also currently in counseling but feels that it is ‘a
waste of time’. Kayla has always lied and stolen things. Family members feel sorry for her because you can tell that she doesn’t really mean any ill will by it, but it’s been ‘the way she is’ for a very long time. By far her biggest problems are lying and her need for approval by men (young and old). Since the kids have moved in with us, my husband and I have set up rules. The kids already had myspace accounts, so we set ground rules for it. 1) We needed the login names and passwords. 2) Profiles must be set to private. 3) The only people they were allowed to have on their friends list was people that they actually knew. When Kayla’s list climbed over 300, and
she was found to have inappropriate conversations (wanting to sneak out and ‘hook up’ with young men), we made everyone cut their list down to 30 friends, which included myself. 4) All vulgar language and inappropriate photos would come off immediately and would be monitored by myself at any given time. At times, they try to put up ‘sexy’ pictures which immediately need
to come down.

However recently I have found that she has multiple website things going on in an attempt to pick up young men. I'll outline a few here so that you understand the gravity of the situation:
1) I found her 'normal' myspace account set to 'public view'. She has over 11,000 profile views
(meaning people looking at her pictures and wanting to know more about her). I had reset it to private many times, but she keeps going back and resetting it to public.

2) I have found another myspace account which she went by the name 'Shannon' and used it to pick up young men, tease them, then later tell them that she was 'taken' but refer them to her 'cousin, Kayla'. She'd then give them all of Kayla's information. Of course this
was also set to public.

3) I have found another social network website that was like myspace in which she had ONLY men (mostly from other states) as her 'friends' whom she corresponded with. The emails back and forth basically said the same thing as all of the others... more on that in #4 - only these were guys that not only did she not know, but they were not even in the area!

4) All accounts that I have found had basically the same thing... her emailing guys wanting to know if she was pretty, if they wanted to 'hook up', talking about going to their 'crib' or meeting up with them somewhere, and constantly seeking approval and affirmation from these guys.

Additionally I have learned that Kayla is planning on setting up another Myspace under someone else’s name and email address, and that she's going to have ANOTHER, this one with nothing in the profile, and no one on her friends, she'll just use it to message people (all you have to do is log in, click someone’s profile, then you can message them without having them on your
friends list). She ALREADY knows to delete all messages from the inbox, sent, and trash before she logs out to cover her tracks. Kayla is doing all of this to seek attention from men. Dr. Phil, she is OUT OF CONTROL.

Dr. Phil, I believe she gets this from her mom. And the sad thing is, if you met her, you would love her. She is truly a GREAT kid… but she has serious issues. I’ve described to you Julie’s
behavior and Kayla’s seems to be the same way. Neither can make decisions on their own that are ‘the right thing to do’, and both lack the understanding of simple values, morals and ethics. I could go into so many examples. How do I describe the utterly amazing difference between Julie’s parenting style and my own? I know... Both Julie and I have myspace accounts set up to ‘monitor’ the kids. To illustrate the difference between Julie and myself, here is something that Julie and I both put on our myspace accounts. You are supposed to put something 'about yourself' by your picture. Here is mine: "I'm 38 years old. I have two amazing kids, Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13. I have great husband, Chris. I love to sing - and have been singing in Toast of Tampa Show Chorus for 10 years. I'm raising my nieces and nephew (12, 13 and 14). I love God and my family."
And here is Julie's: "I am who I am and if you dont like me for me........FUCK YOU........ Plus if you dont like me for me....... Im gunna tell my kids and there gunna kick yer ass!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Here’s the other dilemma we are having; the two girls are in counseling that is costing me $25 EACH in co-payments every time they go. The State of Florida provides NO financial support to me as a relative caregiver, other than providing the three kids with Medicaid. They received small SSI checks because of their dad’s death, but it barely covers the food they consume. The DCF worker, having spoke with the girls and being told that therapy is ‘a waste of time’, has referred me to a clinic that DCF uses for cases such as this to seek mental care for Kayla (as
well as the others). However, the kids have TriCare as their primary insurance because their dad died from Military causes. TriCare requires the co-payment, regardless of the Medicaid secondary. Having said that, please understand that I worked in referrals in a primary care physician’s office for 16 years… I totally ‘get’ what is required for primary and secondary insurances and all the red tape. But because of the uniqueness of this situation, the kids are
suffering!

I should also point out here that I have the kids for an indefinite period of time. Right now Julie is doing things that she has been told to do to get the kids back. However, she is still awaiting a court ordered detailed Psychiatric exam to determine if she can EVER parent again. Even if that Psychiatrist feels she can parent again, she’ll most likely need to be ‘clean’ and ‘episode-free’ for 6 months to a year minimum. In addition, Julie is only allowed supervised visits and one phone call a day. This came about because of her inappropriate behavior when she was with the kids and because when she was allowed to call any time she’d call 10 + times a day. The other problem with Julie ever getting her children back is that… she doesn’t understand what she did wrong. She parents as if she were 15-years old herself. If anyone has ever done something bad and been able to ‘keep’ their kids, she sees no reason she can’t do it. She brought her daughter at the age of 13 in for a HUGE tattoo on the small of her back. It’s Tigger flipping ‘the bird’ with her gang name under it. She was also planning on getting a large tattoo on her 12yo before the kids were taken. Again, she sees nothing wrong with any of her past behavior. So, you see, I could have these children for the rest of their teenage years. I honestly don’t know where to turn to get them the help they need.

I feel as if I am in a psychiatric nightmare and I just can’t wake up. Eight months ago I was at home, my biggest ‘kid worry’ was if my son was going to get good grades on his report card. Now I find myself in a crux worried about whether or not the lessons I teach them, this late in their young life, are going to be enough to turn these kids around and help them to be productive adults in the near future.

There is so much more I could tell you, but I don’t want this letter to seem endless. If you are interested in the day-to-day details, please check out a blog I set up to fill the family in on how things are going every day.

I would appreciate any guidance you could give to us Dr. Phil. Thank you so much for your time.

In harmony,
Tina

We'll just see what that yields, eh? Told you it was long. I'm actually laughing at myself here for actually writing a letter to a talk-show. I laugh at the people who do that kind of stuff! But, hey, it's not like it's Jerry Springer - it's Dr. Phil, right?

Well, my fingers actually hurt from typing so much, and I need to get to work. I'll leave you with a prayer I received in my email today, ironically - about raising kids with values.

Please say a special prayer tonight... no... how about right now... for the situation. For guidance so that Chris and I can handle things in a way which teaches Kayla. And for everyone involved, espcially Kayla.

Prayer for Children's Values
God help us to weave a tapestry of love and not hate in our children, a spirit of tolerance and caring, a dedication to freedom for all and not just some. God help us to sow seeds of peace and justice in our children's hearts today.

Lies.... Lies.... Lies.....

Where to start with this blog..... to get a few updates out of the way, no results on the audition yet it's 5 days now so I don't have a lot of hope that we did pass, but I'll let you know when I hear something. Again, I wouldn't be devastated if I didn't make it - I really did a horrible job on Audition, and it's in God's hands anyways. I'm still having headaches every day - and the doctor still has not called me back, but I did fill my iron pill prescription... we'll see if we can get that iron level up to something higher than a 10, eh? I bet I'll bet I'd feel much better then!

Thursday night we were on our way to Choir rehearsal and received a call from the ALF that Doug choked at dinner and had to go to the ER. (We got news about Jimmie's heart attack while on the way to choir rehearsal as well - odd, huh?) We went up to the hospital after rehearsal and he ended up being okay... they gave him a breathing treatment and he had no signs of Pneumonia, so they sent him back to the ALF about 1 am. Long night.

Food situation at home is okay. Funny, but okay. Funny because we always find it amazing how much food the kids are packing away, and we just have to laugh about it. (Choices... laugh or cry... we choose to laugh) Chris and I went to the grocery store yesterday. I bought strawberry jam and asked Chris if he thought I should buy grape for the kids. He said no because we had bought a huge 2-pack from Sam's that one day a few weeks ago when we spent the $600 on groceries. Now, this is Sam's and we are talking about two very large jars. We get home... look.... ALL of that jelly is gone. How do you go through that much Jelly? Especially at the rate the rest of the food goes away? Loaf of bread a day... gallon of milk a day... orange juice a day or two... they could eat Romain noodles for breakfast lunch and dinner! Simply unreal.

Now for an update on the kids.... Justin, Jonathan and Kayte are all doing very well. Amanda is home from Orlando. More on that in a bit. Kayla... well... not so well. Where to begin with this one....

Kayla's been telling little lies a lot lately. Example: I've explained to her why she doesn't need a whole new wardrobe to go to school - she wore uniforms last year, starting a new school in the new neighborhood with totally new friends, and she HAS a a lot of very nice clothes. Julie told me that Kayla keeps complaining to her about it - saying she HAS to have new clothes for school. Julie wants me to talk to Kayla about it so she'll stop complaining. I talk to Kayla about it, she tells me her mom was lying, she never said that. There are lots more examples, but they are just little things here and there. Until this afternoon when the wheels came off....

I go on their 'junk' computer... the one we let the kids surf on. I see a different log in name under 'myspace', but can tell that it's Kayla's log in. I ask her about it, she tells me that it's an account she used a long time ago, but she hasn't been on it 'in a long time'. I ask for the password, and I log on. I was totally unprepared for what I saw. 57 friends, most of them men (older teenagers to young men). Her info said that her name was 'Shannon', and she had a different picture up (a pretty young girl). The account was set to 'Public'. And in the history I read what she's been doing. She pretends she's this girl, 'Shannon', who is a cousin of Kayla. Shannon tries to flirt with the guys, but then is too busy with a current boyfriend, so she suggests they try hooking up with her cousin, Kayla (and she gives them Kayla's info). She's also used this account to talk to ex-boyfriends, find out why they broke up with Kayla and beg them (as Shannon) to get back with Kayla.

How many rules did she violate here? I was going to list them.. but you are I'm sure thinking the same things I did.

Chris and I were livid. We simply couldn't believe she resorted to this. I talked to her over and over again, and she simply doesn't see what she did wrong. She's willing to accept punishment like a good girl, but I want her to LEARN what she's doing that's wrong. I heard it through the grapevine that Kayla was upset that Chris said some curse words while we were both yelling at her. OMG... she has no idea how lucky she is that it's ALL we did! I'm sure this is part of God's plan... that we are supposed to show her how this is wrong and teach her how to find a good guy. But I fear it's too late for her. I mean, her actions are exactly that of her mom. I found myself on the phone talking to Julie about it - telling Julie how it scared me that Kayla really felt that she needed the approval, love and affection of these young men to somehow feel better about herself. And I actually almost laughed while saying it because I realized I could have been talking about Kayla... or Julie! Sigh..... The sad thing is that I know that it's not in DCF's plan at all to address Julie's sex addict problem. So.... anyways.

Let's see... good news.... I've continued to lose weight for no apparent reason, and I just couldn't be happier. Here's the hard part... I hate telling people how much because then they tend to look at you and wonder 'what was bigger before'. I really don't want that. If you are interested though... the number as of this morning is.... 33 lbs. YEAH! I got to go into the office closet and pull out clothes I haven't worn in eons - tried them on - and they all FIT. Course then I have my tiny clothes in boxes from when I was very sick... size 7 and so on... and I really don't WANT to be that thin ever again. But just getting down a little feels really great. And, I now have lots more clothes to wear!

More good news. Amanda got home from Orlando about 2am, but I woke her up at 8am and asked her if she wanted to go to Church, and she said YES! She went with us and didn't get struck down by lightening and nobody came up to her and tried to convert her on the spot (her biggest worry about coming). Pastor Matthew wasn't there, but still the service was great. I hope God spoke to her heart because I really feel that she is lost and that only He can guide her in the right direction. Please pray for her.

Finally, on the way out of church, Amanda (not my Amanda, a member of the praise team) approached me and told me that she had read the blog for the first time and that she was really praying for us. I can't tell you how much your thoughts and prayers help us! I swear to you... we can feel it! Amanda... and anyone else reading this - thank you! We are undeserving of your prayers as well as God's blessings, but appreciate them so very much!

Here's a quote for to to finish the day today. It's Sunday and I have oodles of laundry to do today:

Our children are watching us live, and what we ARE shouts louder than anything we can say. --Wilferd A. Peterson

Singing In The Rain

So, I didn't tell you about Julie's first day off work since she got her job at Circle K. She went to bed at 11pm and woke up at 5pm the next day. Holy COW! Well, she's also on muscle relaxers for her feet (why muscle relaxers I've no idea) because they were hurting so bad and the doctors didn't know what else to give her - and they will make her sleepy. I think I told you this already, but they did say that there are no shoes would help her... that she needed to lose weight if she wanted her feet to stop hurting. Gee, didn't her big sis already tell her that? Hmmm.... yes I believe she did! LOL

I should also mention here that Julie has already called Karen to ask if she could go to the doctor to get pain pills. Karen told her that she needed to get non-narcotic pain pills if she got them. I'm hoping and praying this is nothing... but it's been my experience with Julie that once she goes looking for something for pain... it's all downhill. But she's doing so much better now, I hope she'll stay on the right track. I also know that Julie's been filling narcotics (a headache pill she's giving to Katie), and I hope she's not saving any for herself.

I got a call from Karen again today. She's still looking for the actual paperwork on whether the kids can or can not stay the night with friends. I told her... "I just find it odd that you would tell them that after you told me they were not allowed to go over their Aunt's or Nana's house to spend the night". She said "well, I know they can't do that but they can go over their friends house". WHAT? Here's the deal: If they want to sleep over a family member's house, the family members (everyone in the house) need to have background checks, fingerprinting done, and home inspection. But they are supposed to be allowed to go to friends houses to sleep over with none of this. WHAT? What the hell kind of backward-ass sense is that? Only the DCF could come up with crazy ass rules like that. Sorry for the curse words, but -- it just aggravates me when they don't make sense like that. Oh, and yes I asked why and how this came about. They already had the rule in place about what needed to be done for the kids to sleep over somewhere - but then someone said 'that's not really fair to teenagers who are trying to lead a normal life'... so they came up with the 'friends' rule. It makes no sense at all. And I'm going to wait until I see it in writing before I allow them to go somewhere else.

I had a little run-in with Kayla when I got home at lunch. She wanted to go to her friend Anna's house. Anna's a very nice girl, and she just broke up with her boyfriend (they've been dating since the 6th grade if you can believe it!). I said "is her mom there?" and of course Kayla said yes. So before we leave, I call Anna's house to ask her mom if it's okay for Kayla to come over for the afternoon... guess who's not home?? Yeah. So I tell Kayla we'll have to do it another time. If I had talked to this mom already and knew that it was okay with her for Kayla to be there with no adults, that would be one thing. But I hadn't talked to her... so I said she couldn't go. She - of course - was devastated.

When Amanda was their age, she was the only teenager. We set rules and she hated them, and she fought them, and she complained all the time... but it was just her. This is the hard thing about having 5 teenagers. Times that times 5! Holy hormones batman! Pass the Valium! Now.. I am kidding when I say that. Mom said something to me yesterday about how I usually sound so 'happy' and 'up' in my blog. I have changed a LOT since getting these kids. I think that if I didn't look for the positive in every aspect of my life it would be very dark and scary. And, who wants to live like that? I have found that if I trust God and just do what he's calling me to do... I may not see it at the time, but looking back - I can clearly see how it was the 'right' thing to do and how it was part of a bigger plan. And - because I believe that - instead of 'fighting it' and getting all upset when something bad happens, I feel a sense of serenity knowing how good it's going to look when I'm looking back. I'm not living in some fantasy world of wonderful things... I just choose to not have a negative outlook - most of the time anyways. I still 'vent' here using this blog as an outlet.

Speaking of negative venting.... here goes....

I just got a call from the kids. Picture this: I'm sitting at my desk at work. Boss is at the copier - maybe 8 feet away. The phone rings, I answer. It's the kids - SCREAMING. Apparently Kayla and Kayte were calling Jonathan a pig because he 'ate so much' and told him he was a slob. (Funny... you should see their room) Jonathan got furious and ended up breaking a glass. The girls took the opportunity of his broken glass to be a reason to call me and 'tell on him' so that's what they did. I can't being to explain the havoc that was happening on the other end of that phone call. The girls trying to 'tell on' Jonathan, Jonathan trying to tell me his side by screaming at me from another room. I had to physically hold the phone a foot away from my head because it was so loud. My boss just gives me 'the look'. I hang up on them... call Chris and ask if he can call them. Well, he's painting and can't make a call. I call them back and tell them to each get into a separate room and shut the door. No video games, computer, nothing.

How long did I really think THAT was going to last? Not long. Less than 5 minutes later Kayte calls. Apparently 'everything is better now' oh and by the way, Anthony (the former boyfriend of Kayla that set the dumpster on fire) called and wanted the girls to go with him to his Aunt's house. She lives on a lake and they have a blast while there. I was thinking 'Are you fricking kidding me? My ears are still ringing from the last phone call and now, minutes later, everything is better and you want to go out with a friend?' but I simply said "NO". She then proceeds to explain to me why they should be allowed to go, because she really can't accept the answer of 'no' apparently. (Kayte now has the nickname in our house as the "attorney" for this very reason) I stopped her mid-sentence... I told her that there was going to be no discussion right now. I said no and that's it. She should stay in the room she's in until I get home tonight.

I did call back and talk to Jonathan about his role in the whole thing. He said that it hurt so bad that they were picking on him. I explained that it was never okay to get 'that' angry. Ever. I also explained that it was harder now to yell at the girls about their name-calling when he made a 'bigger show' of it... and now I had to yell at him!

I'm almost afraid to go home tonight - afraid of what I'll find. The funny thing is that when I left home after lunch today I wanted to tell them all to get out of the house... to go play outside... go to the park and throw a baseball... play basketball out front... jump on the trampoline... or just go swimming and enjoy the sunny day. They've been couped up too much inside and it's never healthy for teens to be inside that much. But dang those computers and video games... they've gotten into our kids heads and it's all they can think about. Sigh....

A good friend of mine has a daughter who has a brain tumor (I think Christal is 7 or 8 now). They can't cure her... she's trying Tea now to help stop the growth. I read her blogs... and it's utterly amazing their faith and strength. Two years ago, Chris was a hard-working mom who had all the normal worries that you and I experience every day... work... kids.... how to work overtime for extra cash without sacrificing family time... school. And one day it all changed. I thought it was a good thought to leave you with a snip from her blog today.

Today was pretty low-key, the usual laundry, dishes and whatnot. It was one of
those days that Christal just wanted to DO something. It started to pour down
buckets of rain. Christal said, "I want to go out there... (pointing outside)".
I said, "Out THERE? In the rain?" She said, "Yes." I thought, hmmmm... it's not
like there is something better to do, Kylie is asleep, we don't have anywhere to
be..... then said, "Do you want to change, or go out there just like this (in
our clothes)." She said, "Just like this." I said, "OK! Lets go." Grabbed her
hand, and out to the lanai we went. I think at first she might have thought, “I
can’t believe Mommy is letting me do something so crazy. And I didn’t even have
to ask TWICE!” I got ready to open the door and Christal was going CA-RAZY,
giggling and laughing. It's one of those laughs that I rarely hear her laugh.
It's reserved for when she's REEEEALLY excited. I opened the door and we went
out. It was one of those rains where the droplets were very BIG. I held her
hands so we could sorta dance around for a bit. Then we sat down on the glider
and let the rain completely soak us... kicking our feet up, swinging and
swinging, singing and singing, "We're SINING in the rain... just singin' in the
rain..." pretty much at the top of her/our lungs! I'm CERTAIN the neighbors had
to think we had lost our minds. :) Ya know, this family is prrrrretty close to
looney toones most all the time anyway, but this was nutty even for us. :) At my
age, I can honestly say I've never done this before. I think as adults we spend
our entire lives trying to NOT get wet… staying out of the rain… waiting in the
store until the rain slows to almost stopping, running as fast as we can as to
stay as dry as possible. Huh, to see a rain-storm through a child’s eyes.
Thinking back on it now, it was… liberating somehow… one of those “moments” with
Christal I’ll always remember. I thought while we were out there, God knows what
he’s doing… Kylie is sleeping! She had woken up a little bit just before we went
out there, but she fell back to sleep which she RARELY does once she wakes up.
Anywho… just a cool moment in the life. It didn’t last very long, 10-15 min or
so (as it goes with Florida rains)... but it’s time I won’t soon forget. We were
soaked completely through our clothes right to our skin, hair dripping... MAN,
that was fun.

Remember to thank God for you blessings... even the smallest of blessings like a rainstorm or spending extra time with your kids.

Tonight's Updates

Well... lots of things to report tonight. (I know I just posted this afternoon... but thought I'd post again before going to bed)

Chris and I survived our auditions. No results yet... will know something a 2 - 3 days. Chris and I both talked about it and... if we made it that would be great. If we didn't, God would have had other plans for us. Chris did awesome on his audition. I sang rather wimpy (gosh, if anyone in TOT was reading this they'd be shocked, eh?) - no air support - ugg. Course Chris would tell you I did great... but since this is my blog... I get to tell you what I think! LOL

MRI results came in... and it was normal. This is good - and bad. Good that it's normal! Bad that I have to now go back to that doctor and see what's next. I've already spent over $100 in copayments in the past few weeks... lets hope she has some ideas over the phone she can give to me, eh?

And lastly... we've needed Chris to get some side jobs in his business. He's self employed and does everything from complete bathroom remodels to painting. Today at the audition, the three folks there seemed really interested in his work. It would be nice to pick up some jobs referred by friends in the church. I'm praying for side jobs to come in... I can't tell you how much we need that right now. Then when we got home, Chris got a call from a guy who does electrical work and came across a job he couldn't do. (Tile, remodel, paint) He referred them to Chris. They are in Culbreath Isles down in South Tampa, very upscale. They seemed interested in hiring Chris for the job. Oh, and the best part is that they already have all the supplies bought already (meaning no out-of-pocket for us). He's going to know within the next week or two if he gets this job. Say a quick prayer about it if you could... as it could be just the thing to help us out of our rut we seem to be in right now. More than anything else now I've been praying for this - for something to come along to help Chris with his business. If that's doing well... it'll have a ripple effect on everything else in our lives.

Well, I better run for tonight. Remember to thank God for all the blessings He has given to you.

Tonight's The Night

Well... tonight is the night that Chris and I audition for the praise team at Church. Keep us in your prayers... we're both nervous - but we both know that God already has the plan. Chris auditions at 6:15 and I at 6:30.

Karen came over to the house today for a supervised visit with Julie. The kids called me right after she left and told me that Karen told them it's okay for them to spend the night with friends now. Huh? What? When did that happen? In the past, even if our family wanted them to come over to spend the night - they had to get fingerprinted, background checks, home inspection, the works. And... how come they knew this before I did? I was totally unprepared for the bombardment of Kayla's plans to go over to her friends houses. I simply told Kayla even if Karen told her this, Chris and I had to approve where she went and with whom she could go with. She doesn't understand why we question her or her friends. She thinks we are not-so-nice to her friends. I gave her specific examples: One (a former boyfriend that she still talks to) has gotten into trouble with the police (setting a dumpster on fire) as well as failed school again and is grounded at home for life (so his parents say) . Another one got in trouble for having a boy sleep over her house and she failed school last year. (Kayla said the guy didn't sleep over... he just came over for a drink of water.... yeah... at 4am???) Okay then. Yet another one (one of her current boyfriends) just got his prior girlfriend pregnant. And all of the other guys she hangs out with are 16 & 17 years old and all are just going into High School this year. Not some of them, all of them. It's funny... when Amanda was in High School, if I had asked her "how many of your friends do you think will be arrested before they are 18?" -- she'd have answered "none". Kayla, on the other hand, has a lot of friends who will be or have been arrested. What does that tell you. She tells me that 'they are better people than she used to hang out with'... and sadly... she's right. But that doesn't mean that I stop wanting more from her! I simply told her that she was going to have "rules" if she spent the night with friends... and she really balked at that word "rules". Lordy!!

I had my MRI done yesterday. Thank you Tony! He was a real sweetheart to me... even sat and talked with me to kill the wait time between getting the IV and having the MRI. I'm still waiting for those results and will let you know when I hear something. I'm thinking it's my luck that it's going to come back normal and then it'll be up to the doctor (the one who never calls me back) to figure out what's wrong. I'm assuming she'll just put me on some migraine meds then. But we'll see.

As for my funk... I'm still in it. But I'm trying to not think about it every minute of every day. I'll leave it at that.

I'm not sure I should leave you with this quote today, the day I audition at church... but here goes anyways....

"Our greatest glory is not in never failing but in rising up every time we fail."
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

And The Sister Of The Year Award Goes To.....

Katie Roman! **applause** Yes, Katie is awesome. She took all three kids in for their dental exams... their first ever dental exams. No cavities for the girls - yeah! She then took care of the girls hair... dying it back to it's natural color and giving them trims. (They had at one time bleached it and they had root growing out at least 3 inches) They look MARVELOUS. Thank you so much Katie! You are the BEST!

And while I'm giving shout-outs --- thank you to NANA (Evelyn Dean) who took Jonathan in for an eye exam and is getting him glasses and contacts before school starts. THANK YOU NANA!

As for me... I'm just a little down - yet again - today. Stress is just enslaving me and I can't seem to break free from it. I was up with a panic attack at 6am this morning (those who know me know that I am NOT a morning person). I won't get into the details, I don't want to bring anyone down with me. As you can guess, it starts with mo and ends with ney. Please pray for us.

Speaking of Chris - he's home today as he hurt himself while at work today. (Course he's self employed with no insurance... so he's doctoring himself) He apparently hit his head and then sprained his ankle. This was not news that was going to cheer me up today. Please pray for quick healing for him. I don't know how serious it is as I'm still at work and haven't seen him.

On to other news....
Friday afternoon I had a one-hour conversation with Karen (the DCF lady). I sent her an email because the kids (and Julie) have been talking a LOT lately about going home soon. The kids sent emails out to their friends telling them that they'd be home in January. Now... giving set dates or time-frames to the kids is not allowed (it's one of the reasons Julie now needs supervised visits) . When I questioned the girls about it, they told me that Karen told them they'd be home in January. So - I wrote to her and told her how I felt. Here is what I sent to her....

I just talked to the kids... they've been making plans with their friends in Riverview for things they are going to do when they go back home in January. Two parts of this upset me... one being of course that it pains me to think of them leaving us - I think that's normal.... the second part that upsets me about that is that the kids will be devastated if a date is set and they don't meet it. So... I talked to them (as we've had this talk with them before and their mom has been the one telling them how long until they can expect to be home) and the kids tell me that YOU told them they'd be going home in January.

What you don't realize about Julie is that - she was drastically bad (and bad often) when you met up with her earlier this year. Typically, when her husband was alive and throughout her life, she
gets bipolar and goes - nuts - about every 3-4 months. I think that Julie is doing AWESOME right now. But I think it's premature for us to give these kids a date.

Here is what the kids grandmother (Gwen) told me to tell you:
You should remind the DCF worker that for the past 10 years or so, Julie has this on-again, off-again thing with her sanity. In order to pronounce her "well" enough to have her children, I think she should be "hospital free" for longer than a few months. Her usual cycle is about 90 days. Every 90 to 120 days, she is in the hospital. If she can go 12 to 18 months without a hospital stay, drugs, or cutting incident, I think that would be a time think about letting her have them again.

Listen... everything I said in my letter to the court still stands... 8 months ago... these kids were living in hell - smoking pot, people having sex all over the house, gang members living there, violence, the kids stealing and vandalizing, Julie trying to kill herself every single day while at the same time huffing, smoking and taking drugs. Eight months ago. Justin was thinking suicidal thoughts while living at home with his mom - he's going to need therapy set up in order to go back home (have you requested records from that doctor?) so I'm going to need to know when to set that up. If it sounds like I'm terrified that things are going to slip back to their old ways even a little... it's exactly right. I am worried about it. It took months for my life to settle down to some level of normalcy after the kids were placed with us - and when they go back - I hope and pray it's for good because I don't want to go through this all over again.

You know... you say that the kids are older so it's a little better. I don't know about that. What I've witnessed over the past 7 months is kids turning from really troubled teens into productive teens. The last thing our society needs is more troubled teens... more kids stealing, robbing, vandalizing, etc. I've no doubt that - if left alone at home - at least 2 of the kids would have been arrested for some crime within the year 2006. Instead they are going to church and talking about college. But how close we came to losing these kids all together... if this had happened a year or two from now, would DCF had jumped in as they did this time?

Anyways.... I wanted to again convey these feelings with you and share the opinions of their
grandmother.

Please let me know when the court date is in January. I want to be there for this one.

So... Karen calls me. She swears that she did NOT tell the kids any-such-thing. She said that it is a strict violation of rules and she would never do this. She told me that she could face disciplinary action should she have said something like that. (And that she now has to print a copy of my email and explain it to her supervisor in writing) She is going to come over and talk to the kids --- face-to-face -- and let them know what's going on and how long it's most likely going to be.

I also told her that I had become so attached to the kids that I was afraid that I might be in some fantasy world where I think it's going to be a while before they go home, but in actuality it's much sooner than that. She told me that she is very well aware of what happens when a relative caregiver 'sabotages' a reunification... and that I was not one of those people - not even close. She wished all caregivers were as great as we are... blah blah blah. But it did feel good that she told me this.

She told me that she wasn't able to get Julie in to see the Psychiatrist she wanted (after a month of leaving messages and not being called back), so she had to settle and go with someone else. She told me that everything really hinged on this doctor's testimony. And that... even if he thought Julie could get the kids back to raise, she'd most likely have to be drug-free and no psychotic breaks (cutting herself, attempted suicide, etc) for one full year for this to happen. And then - once it did happen, Julie would get partial custody... having them for weekends and Holiday's. So... the kids are really far off (in her opinion) from going home.

I simply told her that Julie and the kids all feel it's going to happen in months (if not sooner) and that SHE needed to be the one to make sure everyone understood what the plan was. I'm tired of feeling like the wicked sister and wicked Aunt because I am not as optimistic as they are. Julie is doing so very well... and I don't want this kind of news to totally throw her off track!

Speaking of Julie, to let you know how she's doing... she's working now at Circle K, full time. She's on her feet all day and so her feet are killing her. She's going to a doctor today to ask about getting special shoes to help -- but I told her that I thought the shoes might help a little, but that she needed to work on her weight in order for her feet to feel better (she's close to 200 lb overweight, weighing in at more than 325 at 5'4"). We'll see if the shoes help. I am really proud of her for working though. :o)

And an update on me.... the Doctor called on Saturday (finally!). Yes there is an area they want checked out on an MRI. (No surprise there) I've got to go to their office and pick up the prescription. Hopefully I can go there after work and get that done. Then to make time to get the MRI done. UGGG The headaches are some better really. I'm not sure if that's because I'm popping some pill or another throughout the day or because it's actually a little better. In any case, without question I do still have headaches every day... they just are not as bad all the time. Again... because of meds? I'm not sure.

I would really love it if you could all pray extra hard for Chris, the kids and I tonight.

I leave you with this... to which I think I will read over and over and over again...

NEVER GIVE UP

No matter what is going on
Never give up

Develop the heart
In your country too much work is spent developing the mind
Instead of the heart

Be compassionate
Not just to your friends
But to everyone
Be compassionate

Work for peace
In your heart and in the world
Work for peace

And I say again
Never give up

No matter what is happening
No matter what is going on around you
Never give up

The Dalai Lama

In A Word... APPROVED!

This is going to be a short post. It's Sunday and I've got a zillion household chores to do today. However, I wanted to make sure to post the good news.

Doug's Medicaid application was approved! GREAT!

You see, if he wasn't approved we'd have no choice other than to move him back home with us. But then we risk the consequences of not being able to properly care for him (as he's required to have 24-hour supervision now). And... the odds were pretty good that he may have been denied - he has a home up in Tennessee. He has this one account that he draws from 2 times a year that we didn't know if it had any 'cash' value or not (and now we find out it doesn't).

But... he was approved. APPROVED. Oh my Lord that wonderful sweet word. Approved means that he gets to continue receiving the awesome care he's receiving now. You see, the facility takes all of his Medicare check and that twice-a-year check - a total of $916 a month. But the actual charges for him staying there are closer to $1,900 a month. Being approved means that they (the State) pays the remainder of that amount. It's a pretty neat concept... it's called the "Diversion Program" and it's designed to keep people out of nursing homes until absolutely necessary. They pay money so that he can afford to stay in an Assisted Living Facility. Keep in mind, this doesn't alleviate any debts on our part... we still have all of his bills to pay. But it is peace of mind knowing that he can stay there and the State will pick up the balance of the amount due each month.

I am confident that the reason this was approved and the reason that God continues to grace us with blessings that we truly do not deserve is because of your prayer. I thank you for your prayers.

Teens, Teens, Teens... Pass the Valium Please

Boy oh boy.... Amanda moving back home sure has stirred up all kinds of excitement. You know..... the yelling, bossing, picking, etc. We agreed she could move back home as long as she carried her own weight financially and with chores and such. We also had the talk about how she couldn't yell, pick or bully any of the kids living at home.

Thursday morning the boys got up kind of quickly as Justin had a dentist appointment and apparently they woke up Amanda who got pretty upset and asked them to 'tip-toe around upstairs'. Yeah.... that's gonna happen! Then - at lunch today - Amanda tells me that she does not want to contribute anything to food in the house. She has now seen first-hand how these kids can eat and eat and eat and eat... and she doesn't want to have to pay a portion of the amount of money it cost to put food in the house for them to tear through it like they do. (Remember a gallon of milk, loaf of bread, gallon of ice cream - all can be gone in ONE day with these kids). We told her that we would not allow her to not contribute to that - mainly because - if we did, we'd have to police her... you know, make sure she wasn't eating any of the food or other groceries we bought... and I don't want to do that. In addition, there are non-food items that you buy while grocery shopping (toilet paper, napkins, soap, etc). On the positive side, they will be starting school again soon and will eat 2 of their meals there.

I guess it just rubs me the wrong way that she has come into our home - desperate - and yet acts the way she does. We gave her one room of the house, she took two. She wanted the cat litter out of the room, I said, since you've taken 2 rooms, I want to leave the cat litter where it is - it's moved. She's so poor and yet she's been to see two new movie releases in the past couple of weeks. I mean... we literally figured out what it would cost US to just have her live at home, we gave her 2 months 'free' (meaning she can just pay what she can) before she needs to kick in money to support her living here. And yet... she wants to cut back on that! I can just already feel the tension building between us... and I hate that . She's my oldest daughter. I want to love her and watch her go out on her own and make a wonderful life for herself. And she will... I know she will.

I am drawing up the rental agreement as I type. She wants it all formal and in writing. No problem there.

She also couldn't mooch a drive into work today. I asked her to go apply at some places down the street... close enough where she could walk or ride a bicycle. And - to my utter amazement - she's there now. I told her she should go do this because her new job at Chili's wasn't even full time! I'm hoping and praying that it all works out for her. I know she'll be happy if she's working someplace where she doesn't have to beg someone to drive her to and from. Plus - with the financial hole she's in, she needs to work not only full time, but overtime!

And this is the hardest part: I want Amanda to acknowledge that she needs help or guidance right now. She's had a rough year... her own friends are telling her that she 'didn't just burn bridges, she burned and then demolished them'. Add to that two boyfriends which she has been extremely clingy to (you know, that annoying 'what are you doing right now, what did you just do, what are you going to do, who are you doing it with, who's with you'..... that stuff) I am confident that we can guide her in the right direction. Not pull her in ours... but actually get her compass set on the right area and gently push her forward. We want her to get a job and work hard. We want her to go to Church with us. We want her to pay off her obligations. And we want her heart to be filled with hope, love, and faith. That last sentence was probably the most important. She hasn't had that in a while. Sure, she's been excited about things (like moving to Denver) but she hasn't really had that 'fire' inside of her.

So... about us. It is EXTREMELY worse with 5 teens at home instead of 4. I can't really describe it.... it's not that Amanda is just awful or anything like that... it's that --- it's just way more chaotic. I once described Amanda's visits as: us being a snow-globe and Amanda comes over and shakes it. Yeah... it's like that. And.... Chris and I had a fight last night because of all the chaos. It's midnight, Amanda's just getting home... we can't get kids into bed... I didn't have money to stop and buy toilet paper and Amanda walks in with McDonalds (where SHE has money from since she hasn't worked in forever I've no idea) Add to this the fact that I've not been feeling well... and you get hurt feelings and arguments.

Amanda just called... Target offered her a job and although not a lot per hour, but I guess... guaranteed full time and close to home might win. She didn't ask about any of their benefits or anything like that, but I'm sure they offer benefits to their full time employees, which Amanda hasn't had in a LONG time. So... maybe this is right for her... we'll see!

And for those concerned about my health - my doctor - one week after my test - still has not called me back yet. I actually received the hard copy of the report yesterday and it's... scary. Scary to know that something might be wrong. Scary to see the word 'tumor' anywhere. So... I call them often... and I sit and wait for the return call. Headache pounding. They did tell me about my blood test and - no surprise here - my iron is low. It's 10. Normal should be 100 or something like that. It would explain why I'm so tired. They called in a prescription, now I just have to get down there and pick it up. Alas... that big money beast once again.

I better run. Please keep us all in your thoughts and prayers.

Ding-Dang Ice Cream Stains

So.... after my horrible blog this morning, I'm feeling really guilty about feeling so down. I mean... I'm not blind to my blessings -- I know how lucky I am to have great family, friends, and all of the other wonderful things God has blessed us with.

So... I thought.... I'll listen to The Joy FM here at work to get some spiritual music in me, find a few motivational and inspiring quotes to read, and maybe even list all of my blessings so that I can visually see how blessed I am.

And... I can't help but laugh at myself. You see... I keep another email account to which I receive daily subscriptions such as inspirational quotes, motivational messages, simple recipes, and even hints from Heloise. So... I'm reading the prayers and such... and Hints from Heloise catches my eye because it's "How to remove ice cream stains". Well.... if I have one weakness, it's ice cream! I have to read this!! I mean, I don't ever remember having an ice cream stain I couldn't get out myself, but - who knows - it could happen this weekend, right? And then what would I do???

So... I read it.... and..... her advice.......... wash with warm sudsy water and rinse.

WHAT??? That's it??? It's just that simple?? I mean... why BOTHER writing something about it! I mean, I'm literally laughing at work reading this because I find it so funny.

Then I thought of how many times that kind of thing probably happens in our lives - the simple solution staring at us right in the face - us thinking it couldn't be that easy of an answer, and perhaps even looking for a more difficult solution. Or maybe it's that we over-analyze things... for example - how I didn't recall ever having an ice cream stain ruin my clothes, but seeing it there in black and white, I thought... obviously it's a problem that needs this professionals advice - so it must mean there's a serious problem out there with ice cream stains and I certainly need the professional advice on how to remove that nasty difficult stain!

But what if we only think there's a problem... when if we had just done what common sense tells us to do... (like simply washing the shirt)... the problem will take care of itself.

What if all the walls caved in and we had to sell our home and move into something smaller and in another neighborhood. Would it be the end of the world?? Heck no! We've still made lasting memories in the days/months/years we've had as a family in this home, just as we have wonderful memories in the other homes we've lived in before. Chris and I have still made a lasting impression on Julie's kids that they will no doubt remember the rest of their lives. I'm certainly not failing in my day-to-day life... I am excelling. What we've been able to do with the kids is no doubt impossible were it not for the hand of God. Jonathan is doing so well, and Amanda needed a soft place to fall - and so she came home to live with us while she tries to get back on her feet - I think a testimony to how safe and loved she feels at home. A success in our day-to-day life no doubt. We did our best caring for Doug for 3 years before he got to the point where he needed 24-hour care, and so we found a safe place for him to live that's still close to home so we can visit. Yet more success. I'm working at a job where my bosses are strong believers in following Jesus Christ, and it's close to home and they pay me pretty well. Sweetness! And Chris and I approaching our 20th wedding anniversary. As you read in a prior blog... it's simply a major success story in and of itself that we've been able to make it through good times and bad. And the only way we could have that 'major success story' is because of day-to-day successes.

So - see Tina - not a failure.

Also... a good friend of mine told me about a way to possibly make money from home by sponsoring an internet shopping site (get your friends to buy things they already use from this website instead of their local grocery store). She doesn't sell it, but she buys from it and says it's simple and great! She's going to give me some more information on it. Now... if I do this - all of you, my readers and friends, certainly are going to help me out by buying from it, right? Right??? **grins** Course it's not doing what I love to do... I'd love to make programs, flyer's, .html documents, newsletters, etc to make extra money while doing what I love. But that hasn't fallen into my lap as of yet. So... if I do this, ya'll have to agree to at least try it. I promise I won't jump into anything without fully knowing and believing in the product and company. (Those who know me well already know that!)

And... again today I'll leave you with a quote. Please continue to thank God for what he's done in your life.

"Be of good cheer. Do not think of today's failures, but of the success that may come tomorrow. You have set yourselves a difficult task, but you will succeed if you persevere; and you will find joy in overcoming obstacles. Remember, no effort that we make to attain something beautiful is ever lost." Helen Keller

Bad Day Today

I'm having a very bad day today. I'll just start out and tell you that right now.

I've been quite stressed about money for a while now. We've cut back almost all we can, and yet I still can't manage it. I feel like a failure. I'm behind in my mortgage (which is why I'm waiting for that money I was talking about the other day), and I'm looking at the negative bank balance and I just feel beaten.

Me being the spreadsheet queen that I am, I've put it all into a spreadsheet... and it's just hopeless no matter what I do. I've got one sheet with the kids (showing the added expenses and their income from the SS checks) -- one sheet without the kids (food, electric and water go way down) -- one sheet if we filed bankruptcy -- and one if we didn't have all of Doug's added expenses. It's just not working no matter what I do.

Faith... I'm supposed to have faith, right??? **weeps at desk**

I know my mom is reading this and thinking of all the things we could do - cut off cable and phones, sell the house, I don't know what else. But that's not what I want. I'm a pretty smart girl about this kind of thing, and we've taken steps to cut out extras like that. I'm not looking for pity or someone to jump in with a checklist of things we could do. I'm just having a rotten day - and - that's what the blog is for, right? For me to journal about the good times AND the bad times.

What can I blog about that's positive.......... think............ think........

Guess who showed up at the house last night? Doug's friend from Tennessee Alton Woodard. He just got in the car and drove down to visit. Such a great guy! He came over last night and Chris took him to see Doug.

Yeah... I just can't get out of my funk. I should just stop blogging and save you the pain of reading any more.....

Updates

Well, I wanted to give a brief update since my last blog.

Kayla and I had a talk - a long talk - last night. I just explained to her what I was so upset about... and explained that it wasn't a matter of not 'trusting her' (that's what she's been thinking) but rather that she just broke the rules. Ends up that she did think about calling in and/or getting home shortly AFTER her curfew, but she didn't think about it early enough. For example... she knew to call at 11:30 (after she was supposed to be home) and say she was going to be late... but she should have known it was impossible to make the 11pm curfew when she purchased the 10:10 movie ticket. I told her that I was concerned about how she consistently made poor decisions when it came time for her to make those choices. I told her that I didn't want to 'threaten her' all the time with sending her to Foster Care -- but that I seriously felt that someone needed to teach her these values, otherwise she was going to get into all kinds of trouble as an adult.

I have the results of the CT Scan - there is a suspicious area of concern in the left sinus area. Don't know how to describe it other than that... but they are supposed to fax the report to my doctor Monday and from there they should order an MRI. Hopefully the MRI will show something because I've got to do something - this headache is killing me. The problem then becomes my work. As the only employee, it's hard to get off work - this week in particular as we have a big-wig coming into town all week to be with my bosses. On top of that, my boss David is moving Tuesday. I could make it today (Monday)... if the results are faxed to my Doctor, they write a prescription, and I'm able to get in that quickly. But I know nothing typically works that quickly in the medical world.

Other news: Our daughter, Amanda, has moved back in with us. She had no place else to go... just started a job... and feels as if she has hit 'rock bottom'. Her boyfriend and his sister are supposed to continue to drive her to work, and she needs to work a LOT to cover past debts and current debts. She owes the girl she lived with up in Denver quite a bit of money, she has a credit card she's extremely behind on, she owes family and friends who have given her money over the past year or so, she has a storage unit with all of her belongings in, she needs money to fix her vehicle so that she's able to drive around, and of course - now - she'll have to support herself here at our house. We told her quite simply... we were going to have to charge her rent... not rent for the 'room' - but rather - rent to cover her added expenses of living here. We told her point blank that - we didn't have the money right now to support her living with us, so she would have to 'pull her weight'. She of course agreed to that, but I really don't see how she's going to be able to financially do that. I told her that she would probably need to work morning noon and night - any shift she could possibly pick up. Of course, she can't get herself to work or home from work, she needs to rely on others to do that, so I'm not sure how this is going to work. I was hoping we'd only have to charge Amanda a couple hundred dollars... but I just sat down and did the math. I took the household living bills such as utilities and food and divided it by 7 ... and her portion would be $520.00 per month. She is going to FLIP. And... this is with current bills - meaning, without the food going up, or the increased electricity and water bills.

I know that I am currently stressed beyond belief. I didn't get to sleep last night until after 3am. Now, that might be normal for Chris - but I usually can sleep no matter what. So I'm running on less than 4 hours of sleep here at work today. Ugg. Double ugg - Chris just called and we are not going to get some money we were going to get the first of July until the end of July. We are behind in some important stuff... and have been waiting for this check to catch up. (Seems like we are always playing catch-up, huh?) Jeez Louise. It just seems like I can't win - ya know?

Oh, and for an update on Jimmie - he came over to the house last night for dinner. (Eleven of us around the table, if you can believe it!) He looks good and is in good spirits. He's just very very tired. He noted how he was sick sick sick of Chicken! His diet: "If it tastes good, spit it out". Too funny.

I'll close with this quote I just received today. Please continue to pray for all of us!

"I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much." Mother Teresa

Short and Not-So-Sweet

This is going to be a short blog as I've got a party starting here at home in an hour and a half and need to clean house before that happens....

I came home at lunch yesterday and Kayla wanted to go to her friend Anna's house. The plan was that she was going to shower over there, change, help Anna pick up her house, then go to the movies with Anna and Anna's long-time boyfriend. (They've been dating over 2 years). The boyfriend drives so he was going to drive them. Now.. I wasn't born yesterday, I knew Kayla would most likely meet a boy up at the theatre - so I told her a couple of things. She could go - but -
1) She had to be home by 11pm. (Giving her an 11 hour day to have fun with her friend)
2) She had to call me if anything happened with her 'ride' home or to the movies. (Allowing her to call should anything happen to her ride, I didn't want her to walk home because she was afraid to call like she did last time)
3) If she was going to meet any guy, that was fine, but he should come by the house so that we could meet him first. (We don't want to keep her in a bubble and expect her not to date any guy... but we do want to shake his hand and look him in the eye and tell him to treat our Niece with respect)

So... I dropped her off at Anna's house at about 12:30. Back to work... and at 3 I went to my doctor's appointment.

I thought it best to take no headache medicine yesterday so that I could honestly tell the doctor how I felt at my appointment. By the time she made it into the room, I was in tears, openly crying. Mostly it was the noise... any sound is amplified times 10... even someone walking sounds very loud to me... a door closing... a stethoscope hitting the table... the sound of the weights on the scale... all of it was truly intolerable and it put me in tears.

The doctor felt that it would be very unusual for me to have had a headache for 2 weeks. She says... are you sure you haven't hit your head in the past few weeks??? I looked perplexed... because earlier that day I had wondered if getting kicked in the nose at Adventure Island 3 weeks or so ago had anything to do with the headaches. At the time, I thought I had broken my nose, but it didn't bleed so I didn't worry about it. I have a pretty high pain tolerance, so I was able to let go of it pretty easily. I mention this to the doctor and she literally throws the pen down and said she wished I had told her this last week. She says it's much more likely that's the cause of the headaches than just a migraine daily for 2 weeks. So she tells me to get a CT (w/ and without contrast) today and they do blood-work. Regretfully, it's now after 4:30 and they can't get me in for a CT Scan today - so she tells me to either wait till Monday and take no pain meds till then (she doesn't want it to mask any symptoms) or else go to the ER and be seen there and get the CT done then. Well... I can't go a whole weekend without anything for the headache.

I call in a favor... my sister's hubby, Tony, works in Radiology at St. Joes. I call, explain everything to him. He tells me to come right in and he'll get me in. He was AWESOME. They put me in the computer, started an IV, I walked into the CT area and they just did it right then. He even had the doctor read the films and call him with results. (Tony is friends with EVERYONE there... you can tell a lot about a person by how well liked they are - and Tony is VERY well liked!!!).

I've not heard anything on the scan so I'm assuming that's good. But the headache is still here. Oh, to finish up the Kayla story.

I come home from the hospital, we grab dinner and I go to bed early. Apparently Kayla called the house at 11:30 and tells Justin that she's 'going to be late' because the movie was sold out and she went to a later movie'. Okay... well, how late could she be.. AND... why didn't she ASK first. I mean - she did leave at NOONISH! We call the girl's cell phone probably 10 times trying to find Kayla. We called the cell phone of the person whose cell phone they used at 11:30 to call in (he told us that they left half way through the movie at around 11:50). We can't find her anywhere.

At nearly 2 AM Kayla comes strolling in. We are FURIOUS.

Why can't she do anything without getting into trouble? If she's on the phone, she's on it to the point where she's getting 30 calls a day. If she's on the internet, she's in trouble for all the guys that she's talking to that she either doesn't know or that she's throwing herself at trying to get them to go out with her. If she's on myspace... she's talking to 300 friends that she 'personally knows', even though some live in other states, and she's getting in trouble for trying to meet up with 3 or 4 guys in one day.

I'm mentally and physically exhausted of chasing her. Maybe it's the headache.. but I'm pretty sure I'd be totally pissed off regardless of the headache.

We told Kayla last night that she might be better off in Foster care. Mom said she should go to Gwen's (Kayla's grandma). I don't want her to GO... I want her to KNOW that she's got it SO GOOD HERE -- and I want her to respect our rules. But it's just not happening.

Ugg... I don't know what to do.. but I do know I've got 15+ people coming over here for a party in an hour so I've got to go. Thanks for listening to my ranting.

Please................ keep ME in your prayers this morning.