Kids Are HOME!

The kids arrived home from Maryland this morning about 9:30 am, safe, sound, and slightly spoiled (which is normal after an 8-day stay with a grandma I suppose!) I am VERY thankful to Gwen for treating the kids to an extra special Christmas. They really had a great time and I want to blog more about it after we've had time to sit down and talk to the kids more about their trip.

Things at the house are just as crazy as they were before. I don't have much time to blog... I am making dinner and working around the house. But I did want to post a couple of pictures for you to enjoy.

Jonathan opening up his Wii for Christmas (yes, he really was that excited):














Chris opening his metal detector (and yes, he too really was that excited):















Amanda on Christmas morning:













Justin at his Grandma Gwen's house:



















Kayla and Kayte at their Grandma's house:















Tomorrow is our big "Christmas" with the kids. Yes I know it's really New Years Eve, but that is our planned "Christmas" with the kids. Although Chris has to work a bit, in the evening we will gather and the festivities will begin. I'm planning a Taco dinner since that's the kid's favorite. Julie and our friend Michelle are coming over for dinner and Christmas as well. After dinner we'll do presents, play some games as a family, then ring in the new year together. It should be fun.

I need to run.... please continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers. There are times that it's the only thing that keeps us going. :o)

Pennies From Heaven

I promised more frequent blogs... and I'm LOVING my time off but am going to try to sneak a few in here and there.

The kids are still up in Maryland and I had today off work (the day after Christmas). Chris, Jonathan, Amanda, Gene and I spent most of the day today together. We went shopping earlier in the day with Michelle, then spent a little time on the Wii. Tonight we went to visit Chris's step-sister and her family. B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L baby girls she has! Goodness they are just perfect girls. (Two about the same age as they adopted one when they were certain they couldn't have kids, then sure enough - wham - pregnant.) Anyways... it's been a great day.

Julie... I'm not sure how she is doing.

I THINK she might be blaming me somehow for her doctor taking her off all of her medication. I had sent a message to her doctor asking her WHY she would prescribe a quantity of 100 pills to a woman who OVERDOSED on a regular basis (I think this was right after she overdosed on 500 pills), and add to that that it was 100 of a narcotic pill. I didn't understand why she would do that. At the visit, Julie said the doctor 'made' her sign something so that she could talk to me. When the doctor called me she told me that Julie hadn't TOLD her about the overdoses or narcotics problem, so she didn't know. Great.

Julie had last seen this doctor (keep in mind she's the 'good doctor') in September. It's now the end of December. She's been in and out of the hospital since then so she hasn't been back in to see her. In this time, Dr. Vijapuri has had his hands on her and has COMPLETELY messed up her prescriptions and has her on a TON of medications again. (At last count at my house I think she was on 20 different pills.)

Anyways, Julie tells me that this 'good doctor' had decided to take her off of everything except for TWO pills. TWO. Julie was FREAKING out about this. Clearly Julie believes she needs a lot more than this. Julie made mention to me, SEVERAL times, that the decision to do this came about as a direct result of my conversation with the doctor. I don't believe that for one second. I told her that MY only conversation with the doctor was about the QUANTITY of pills. I told her that if Julie needed pills that were strong enough to kill her in large quantities.... to simply give them to her in SMALLER QUANTITIES.

Makes sense, right?

Julie hates the idea, apparently.

Oh, and you'll love this. Julie tells me that although the doctor is putting her on only TWO pills - she's not THAT upset just yet because she has a 'stash' at home. So... she has 'stuff she can take'. My exact words......... "Julie.... why do you tell me these things? I mean really. Don't you think you should just keep that kind of stuff to yourself?"

So, Julie has the mindset of self medicating again. I warned her though... I told her "You know what has happened to you in the past when you have tried to manage your own medications yourself. You don't do so good. You should just call the doctor and talk to them."

But that just brings up another problem: this doctor is leaving USF and has to transfer Julie's care to another Doctor there. Julie doesn't want that to happen. So.........

Julie is shopping for a new doctor.

Part of me feels that Julie is a 38-year old woman who should be able to do whatever the heck she wants to do. Take what pills she wants, do whatever, and suffer the consequences - if any.

But then part of me is REALLY upset about this. Part of me believes whole-heartedly that Julie is a VERY smart psyc patient who knows exactly what to do to get what she wants. She is going to find another doctor who DOESN'T know her history who WILL prescribe in large quantities and who will prescribe what Julie feels that she needs. Deep down I believe this... Julie is very smart about this sort of thing. She fights it hard a lot of times, but this disease, this illness, this addiction - it's a strong one.

**********************************************************

Okay, I have two more Julie stories for you. With the kids gone, I don't know why I have so many Julie stories, but anyways....

Julie calls me today. This is our conversation....

Julie: Wanna hear something really funny?
Tina: Sure.
Julie: Where are you?
Tina: Out with Amanda. (shopping)
Julie: Oh. Well, okay. Do you wanna hear something funny?
Tina: Yes, Julie, Sure.
Julie: Okay. Well, have you ever run out of toilet paper?
Tina: Yes. It happens all the time.
Julie: Really? Wow. Okay. Well, it has never happened to me. It happened to me.
Tina: Okay. Well, it happens to me all the time. But okay.
Julie: Yeah. I ran out.
Tina: Okay. (And I wait for the punch line of "and I had to use a shirt" or something like that to make this the "funny" part.
Julie: So, Katie (our sister) gave me a $50 gift card to Publix.
Tina: That's nice.
Julie: You are not mad?
Tina: Why the hell would I be mad? No, I'm not mad.
Julie: Well, you'd be mad because you two are always fighting to see who would be the better sister.
Tina: (Thinks to self - Uh, I'm raising your three kids so I think I WIN that one hands down, but I keep my mouth shut and don't say it and instead say...) No, Julie, I don't care if she gave you a gift card. She can give you whatever she wants.
Julie: Well, I really need money. I have no food.
Tina: (Wondering when this is going to get funny) Okay Julie. Well, that's great. So what's funny?
Julie: It's funny that I ran out of toilet paper.
Tina: Oh.
Julie: Hey, me and my roommates are having steak for dinner tonight.
Tina: (I darn near bit my tongue off trying not to say anything negative here) That's nice Julie. I've got to go now.

So yeah...................... funny stuff.

And, no I personally didn't feel at all sad for Julie. She had called me the night before sounding pretty pitiful as if she needed money. Saying she had not food, no money, etc. Well, the way I figure it... she's a BIG girl... she needs to eat a LOT less. That's first of all. That may have sounded mean, but - seriously - she's a VERY seriously ill diabetic who does NOTHING about her diet to control her diabetes. She eats fudge, drinks coke, etc. Portion control might be a start and having no money might be a good way to kick-start that into action.

Second of all, she needs to ABSOLUTELY insist that her roommate pay her. She has one who pays, one who doesn't. The one who doesn't keeps 'getting' jobs. Whatver. Pay, or move out. That simple.

**********************************************************

The last story for you is a really sad one. But it has a really neat ending.

At 3:45 this morning Julie sent an email to the family telling us that she was going to try to go to bed. (She didn't because after 5am she sent another... but anyways....)

She said that all night long she was in her bedroom thinking of Ron. This would be Christmas Day. She was watching videos and crying. She said that she was "speaking to the air and talking to Ron all night".

She said that just yesterday she was telling her roommate how that when Ron first passed away she would find pennies in the house all the time and she swore that Ron was dropping the pennies from heaven just to let her know that he was there. However, lately she hasn't found any pennies - not one single penny - around the house any more. And, she finds that she's been getting angry with Ron over it. Upset because she felt that Ron was no longer looking out for her any longer.

So, last night she's in her room crying her eyes out, watching old videos of her husband before he passed. Eventually she decides to go downstairs to turn off all lights and get some milk.

She sits down at the kitchen table with only a dim light in the living room on and a shadow on the kitchen floor catches her eye. She freaks out at first thinking it's a roach or some kind of bug. She flips on the light quickly and what does she see?

A penny.

She says that Ron sent her a penny on Christmas. So, she sent an email out to the family to tell them that "even though it's 4 am Ron said for me to tell everyone MERRY CHRISTMAS"

Kids in Maryland!

Okay.... long time, no blog - I know, I know. First of all, the home computer totally broke. The hard drive is bad. But - a blog reader and fellow choir singer GAVE me a computer in which I can blog with from home - so THANK YOU so much for that. To that end, I find myself back home and up and running with a computer. Of course, that was Thursday and today is Sunday... but it's been a bit crazy at home the past few days.

We've had yet MORE computer drama around here. With the home computer completely broken and the laptop limping along, things have been stressful at home computer-wise. I keep catching kids on the computers and I freak out when I see them on it. Then when I see the kids friends over the house on the computer - I REALLY freak out.

The laptop is set up in the kitchen because it needs to be plugged in to the docking station in order to charge. But then nothing else on the docking station works.... ugg. Then there are wires run everywhere - to the printer sitting on the other side of the table - to the mouse - to the speakers - all kinds of wires everywhere.

Yet because it's in the kitchen it poses the problem of being in the way of food and drinks. We constantly tell the kids to NOT eat or drink at this table (we don't usually eat or drink at this table, we have the dining room table which is much bigger). But the kids keep putting cups on this kitchen table anyways and it drives Chris and I nuts.

Saturday morning Chris gets up and is trying to cut a CD to work on for our performance at Church later that night. Nothing on the laptop seems to be working right. He can't get the CD burner to work. The sound isn't working. Different things just keep 'happening' wrong. He can't figure it out and he's getting frustrated. He begins to raise his voice which wakes up the kids.

Kayla and Kayte sneak down the stairs to come talk to me. They have "that look" on their face. That "I-have-something-horrible-to-tell-you" look on their faces. I knew this wasn't going to be good.

Can you almost tell where I am going with this one? Yeah....

They tell me that one of the kids down the street, Sean, the same one who put a hole in the wall, in the bathroom wall, broke the dining room chair, the picture in the living room, and Kayla's door frame in her bedroom -- he ------ spilled water on the laptop last night.

Oh.

My.

God.

I just sat with utter shock and amazement that they TOLD me this... knowing I was going to have to go in there and find a way to tell Chris. I told the girls to go upstairs and shut their doors... I would find a way to tell Uncle Chris.

And I did manage to tell him -- and I did so in such a way that he DIDN'T freak out.

The sad thing is that I think we are becoming a bit too numb to things breaking around here. They break things ALL THE TIME. I try to blog when it's something big like this... but things happen almost EVERY day that I couldn't possibly blog about. I come home and it's not a surprise to find glass in my driveway, or plastic in my office, wood in the dining room, and doors coming off their hinges in the kitchen every other day in the kitchen. All. The. Time.

I don't know what we are going to do about it.

I know that I wanted to go down and talk to Sean's mom... but Chris didn't want to do it. So.... we'll wait until we decide on a course of action we can both agree upon together and move on it together. That's the way we roll. :o)

What else.....

We've been getting the kids ready to go to visit Gwen for Christmas. This has been no small task, let me tell you. At first I felt really GUILTY about feeling SO GREAT about them going away for Christmas. But... now that they are gone, I realize that I am so happy for them that they are with their Grandmother and I am so happy to be spending some quality time with Jonathan. It's just... a much needed break.

Let me tell you about their packing experience for Maryland. That was fun.

First of all... Justin told us the morning of the day that they were leaving that he only had TWO pairs of pants. TWO. He was planning on bringing shorts. Snowing, and he was going to bring shorts. WHAT? Okay... no. So, we knew we needed to make a trip to the store. Justin had to have more pants. Did anyone else need anything?

We asked.

Kayte mentioned that she didn't have any socks. Again, why the morning of the trip and we just now know about this I wonder? Okay, we'll get socks.

Actually a friend of ours lets Kayte borrow socks. However, Kayte tells her that they are 'too big' for her. How that's possible I don't know. Kayte is a size 7 or 8, this friend is a size 8 or 9. They only make socks in one size for us girls. Kayte is just used to the 'no-show' socks I think. Anyways....

So we head to the store to get everything and tell the kids to get packed and we would check everything when we get home.

When we arrive home, it's pretty chaotic. Kayla has by far the largest suitcase. I had told her to save room in it for the 'extra' stuff that inevitably would be coming back from Grandma's house (after all, it was Christmas and they surely would come back with more than they are going up with!). However, he suitcase was COMPLETELY packed, no room for anything else.

Kayte on the other hand had two suitcases, both of them half-packed and she thought they were both full. I questioned her about her packing choices:

* flip flops
* two suitcases both half-full
* no winter clothes at ALL. I take that back... she had ONE long sleeve sweatshirt. Everything else in her suitcase was short sleeve and VERY thin material clothing.
* no jacket. Well, she had one, but was REFUSING to bring it with her. She felt it was 'un-cool' and would not pack it. Flat out refused.
* the shirt she had chosen to wear on the plane was so thin you could see through it. This is the one that she was going to step off the plane into the snow of Maryland. Mind you, with NO jacket. No sweatshirt. Nothing.


When I told her that her one suitcase was half full and she should put the stuff from the smaller one into it she said (in that smart-teenager-smarty-pants-voice) "what, you just want me to poof some more room in my suitcase?" OH MY GOD I could have KILLED her right then. Or come across the bed and smacked her in the mouth. One of the two.

Now, Kayla on the other hand HAD a jacket to bring with her. Her Grandmother last year bought her a nice white jacket with fur lining around the collar. She LOVES it and it's perfect for the cold weather up there. However, Kayla didn't want to bring it with her. Why not you may ask? Oh, you are going to love this one.... she was afraid it would get dirty. Yeah... if she wore it, it might get dirty... then what would she do?? It wouldn't look pretty hanging in her closet any more.

Lovely, Kayla.

Oh yeah, and after we get home from the store, Kayla tells us that she too has NO socks for the trip. None. Nada. Zero. Zilch. Great.

We went over everything with the kids.... what to do once they arrive at the airport, how to act, what to say, what NOT to say, how to be respectful, etc. Told them NOT to lose their ID, their boarding passes, etc. Our friend Michelle was going to take them to the airport so that Chris and I could sing at church Saturday night.

The only reason I let Michelle take them to the airport for me was because I was told by the airline that they were pretty sure I wouldn't be allowed to walk them to the gate. They would let one person walk them to the gate if they were little kids, but given their age (16, 15 and 14) they probably wouldn't let that happen. But, when Michelle takes them to the airport she asks, and they do allow her to walk them all the way to the gate and wait for the plane.

Michelle tells me that she is SO HAPPY that she was allowed to go with them. She doesn't think they would have been able to make it on their own. THREE TIMES Justin dropped his wallet and it had to be returned to him while waiting for the plane. THREE. Kayla whined. They just didn't do well on their own. Thank goodness she was there to wait with them is all I can say. Late last night I got a call from Kayla telling me that she arrived in Maryland. Gwen got on the phone to tell me how happy she was to have the kids with her. She told me that they were safe and happy and that Chris and I should enjoy the week to ourselves... take the week off and enjoy it - they had everything under control.

That felt really good.

So, I breathe a big sigh of relief.

I smile and I plan for my daughter's visit tomorrow with her husband. My heart leaps for joy as I think about our Christmas plans. Church tomorrow night together as a family for the first time in........... well......... it'll be a first that will include Gene. I really can't wait.

I should run. I promise to blog more now that I have a computer up and running! Thank you Paul for the computer. You are an angel. :o)

Slicing and Dicing

Jonathan went to his doctor's appointment yesterday with Dr. Coniglio. The appointment went great. This guy really knows his stuff about kids and Aspergers, for sure. He remembered Jonathan very well, even though he hadn't seen him in a few years. He remembered he was a singer, in a quartet, and lots of other information about him personally. Jonathan felt right at home with him.

The doctor told us that, in particular as he gets older, he can have side effects from the Adderol he was on. One of those side effects: Anger issues. When I told him the doctor we just saw was going to up his dose to 30mg a day, he said that it was the WORST thing we could do. There is a new medication out that he wanted to try him on. This new medication has reportedly NO side effects. (One of the side effects Jonathan hates on the Adderol is that he is never hungry and thus he is skin and bones!)

He explained to Jonathan that everyone gets angry, and told him how to just walk away. He told him with the change of medicine it should be a bit easier, hopefully.

The hardest thing was fitting everything that has happened in the past 3 years or so in a 50-minute session. But we managed and he's going to follow up with him next month. Jonathan started the new medicine today, so lets hope it goes well. I'll let you know.

************************

We had some..... Problems... With Julie yesterday.

Julie has been "hearing voices". These voices keep urging her to cut herself. She called me yesterday to tell me that she decided to listen to the voices and cut herself, but that she 'hid it' so that the kids wouldn't see it. (She cut her stomach.)

Then she told me the cuts were pretty deep and that she was worried about them. Well, of course I thought she might need stitches, but more importantly, I was concerned that she was 'hearing voices' that were telling her to hurt herself. I told her that I thought she needed to go to the hospital.

She agreed and called Tampa General and they sent an ambulance.

She was sutured up at TGH and released, believe it or not. They didn't have any room in the psyc ward for her. They also knew that she had a follow-up visit with her regular doctor this Friday.

Personally, I just can't fathom hearing voices telling me to do something. I think it would drive me nuts. Uh, no pun intended.

Julie called last night and asked that I NOT tell the kids. I don't think that is the right thing to do. The kids need to know their mom is still not well, but in a nice way of telling them. They are nearly adults now and hiding things from them isn't going to make anything better. Then she wrote me this morning asking me to wait for her to come over and she and I would both sit down and tell the kids what she did together.

I don't think this is a good idea either.

I don't want the kids to think this is a "okay kids, sit down we have something horrible to tell you" kind of thing with both Julie and I there. This, in my opinion, should be a "your mom had a little setback" talk that I can handle with them - Julie doesn't need to be there. Frankly, she's mentally ill and totally NOT well at the moment and I don't want her there while I'm explaining it to the kids.

I told Julie that she pretty much lost the right to be able to dictate what or how I told the kids what happened when she picked up the razor and sliced a dozen or so long slices into her stomach. I don't mean that to be mean... But SHE is not the one here thinking rational. She is not the one who should be telling me how and what to tell the kids. Ya know?

Lastly I told Julie that if she had only gone to the hospital as SOON AS she heard the voices, this would have been a non-issue. Additionally, she had an option when she knew she was going to run out of medicine - she could have gone to Baylife and they would have given her more pills to last her through her appointment. But she chose not to do so because 1) she didn't want to sit there all day and 2) she thought they might want to keep her for a day or two (although at that time she was doing GREAT and wasn't off any meds, so I can't imagine that would have happened.) Again, she decided to roll the dice and go without meds.

The biggest thing is that I know that this isn't "Julie". This is Julie when her meds aren't right. This can be fixed. Easily. So... Jules, if you are reading this... No worries hun. It'll be better VERY SOON. Everyone in this blog is praying for you.

*************************

That being said, Julie sent an email to me a few minutes ago:

"As I sit here and want to cut (myself) so bad....... It hurts my head to have these thoughts. I just want it to stop. I want it to go away. I should take a sleeping pill and go to sleep. If I am asleep I'm not thinking of cutting.... Not sure what I'm gunna do... Cutting is an addition for me."

Boy oh boy.

Suggested that she call the church and ask someone to pray with her. That - maybe she could find some STRENGTH in it. Instead, she managed to ask them for money to help pay her electric bill. I dunno how that happened. But she seems to feel some better.

***********************

I received another email from one of Justin's teachers today. It's the same one who has been emailing me all year telling me that Justin keeps talking in her class and goofing off - not doing his work - and that the class ends up having to wait for HIM to calm his butt down so they can get started on classwork.

This email said that an assignment she gave to Justin on November 11th was due today and he DID NOT turn it in. It was worth TWO TEST GRADES.

Great.

Additionally, no surprise here, she still can't keep him from talking in her class. She says that every day she asks him no less than two times to STOP TALKING.

Needless to say when he got home today and called me I yelled at him about this. He said something about how he wasn't really "talking in class" he was simply "answering" other kids who were talking to HIM.

I told him to STOP TALKING.

If I didn't work all day, I would go to his school and SIT BEHIND HIM in every single class for a day or two to keep him humble and show him what it's like to behave in class. I can guarantee if I were sitting right behind him in class he would NOT be acting up. It infuriates me that he ARGUES with me about it.

He's not TALKING?

He's ANSWERING?

Is that a real argument that I'm really and truly supposed to buy? Seriously?

**************************

We are going to Chris's mother's house tonight for "Christmas" since they won't be here on Christmas day, they will be in North Carolina. It should be fun.

Katie, Tony, Tatiana, and Isabella will all be there, as will Julie.

I'm not sure what to do about Julie. How do you act around someone who is hearing voices telling them to do things? To hurt themselves? Do I tell the kids before we go? What it it makes it awkward while we are there? Do I fight the urge to ask to see the cuts? I'm the curious type like that, ya know. But then if I see them, do I feel angry or sorry for her? Funny... I don't think EITHER of those feelings are appropriate in this case.

Funny thing is that I told Julie that I was going to be really rushed getting home after work, jumping in the shower, getting the kids 'ready' to go to Nana's house and out the door by 6:15 or so. She said something about them not being little kids, I didn't have to put out their clothes or anything.

I wish you could sometimes see what goes on here to truly understand how hectic it can be. I get home and of course nobody has done chores. Lunch and snacks are still out. At about 5:45 I catch Justin eating a huge Little Debbie snack cake (it's nearly dinner time, why munch now?). Kayla and Kayte are in bed sleeping when I get home. Jonathan freaks out when I tell him we have to leave by 6-ish and he tells me that he 'needs and hour to an hour and a half to get ready'. Yeah, whatever. I try to get Kayla, Justin and Kayte together to talk to them about their mom, but that entails getting the girls up. This takes a good 20 minutes or so, and I find out later that Kayla never really woke up anyways. I had to tell her the whole story again on the drive over to Evie's house.

After I break the news to the kids about their mom.... get Jonathan moving on getting ready to go... get all the kids getting dressed (they are in the pajamas already).... then I jump in the shower and try to get myself ready.

No, they are not kids, but getting them all out the door quickly by myself AIN'T all that easy, let me tell ya. (Oh, Chris was already at his mom's house waiting for us.)

----- Well, since that paragraph, I left home and went to the Christmas party. Evie's house was of course wonderful. Tons of food, family and fun.

Julie on the other hand was not so well.

She showed up with a towel held to her stomach as her cuts were bleeding on the way over. She had blood all over her shirt. She needed help 'hiding' the blood and the cuts so that it didn't freak out Tatiana (and everyone else there for that matter).

Folks, let me tell you - her stomach looked horrible. Additionally she cut up her arm. She doesn't have stitches on her stomach - she has staples. Yeah, she cut that deep. I quickly helped her into the bathroom and needed Evie to help with gauze bandages and such. She wanted to help... but I had to try to prepare her for what she was going to see when she opened the door to the bathroom. I told her, "Look, I know you read my blog and I've talked about her cutting before... but if you have never SEEN it, it's quite bad. Please prepare yourself." I thought she was going to pass out when she opened the door. She cried....

The kids all got to see what their mom had done. I wasn't expecting that. But, it was hard to miss it.... there was just............. so much.

I have to leave for tonight. I'm tired......... I have a headache........ and I've got to get the kids to go to bed. Please say a prayer for this family who --- is really suffering as a result of this mental illness. The kids just don't know how to feel about their mom - angry? upset? normal? Heck, I'm struggling with it myself. I try to blame it on her mental illness, saying it's 'not her fault'... but is it? Sometimes I am sure it's not.... then other times I'm not quite so sure.

My God you guys should have seen her stomach. It was horrible. Please............. pray for the whole thing.

I leave you with this for tonight. I just learned how to upload video's and thought I'd put Jonathan in here. This is him playing a song he learned from listening to a game. Remember... it's all playing by ear.

The Overwhelming Little Things

I have to tell you that I still sit here at work in shock that my son is serving a 10-day out of school suspension for cursing at an administrator. It's unreal.

I did drop an email to the principal telling her that he DID actually BREAK his hand, it wasn't just HURT. Not that it meant anything really, but I thought she'd want to know. Especially since the school nurse sent him back to class and didn't call me. But, she didn't respond. It is what it is I suppose. Still it's hard to believe he has 10 days out of school for this.

Speaking of Jonathan, he has an appointment tomorrow (Tuesday) with Dr. Coniglio. When Jonathan said he wanted to see someone about his anger outburst at school, we talked about who he could see. There are several great folks up here in Carrollwood he could see. He could see them more frequently because they are close, but they wouldn't know HIM that well really, because they may not know all that much about his Aspergers.

Now, Dr. Coniglio down in South Tampa knows ALL ABOUT Aspergers. When Jonathan saw him years ago, we thought he was an angel. He did a test on Jonathan and after that test, began to tell us all about our son... What he was like as a small child, who he would play with, what kinds of toys he liked, what kind of friends he liked, what kinds of activities he liked, EVERYTHING. IT was SO COOL. It was like he KNEW everything about Jonathan. He would call Jonathan his "poster Asperger child" because he was the perfect Asperger kid.

Well, when Jonathan considered his options, he told me that he'd really like to see Dr. Coniglio if he was on our insurance - even if it meant seeing him not as often. Because, he would at least UNDERSTAND him more. So... That's what we are doing. Jonathan will go to see Dr. Coniglio, and he is SO happy to be going.

******************
Jonathan has had another outburst of anger other than the one at school, this one at home. Thank goodness his appointment is tomorrow with Dr. Coniglio, maybe he can give us some insight / answers.

This time, he got really angry at Justin and Kayla walked into the middle of it.

Kayla got the brunt of it and - well - it was bad. I know Chris had to go home and take care of it. I heard him on the phone and it was HORRIBLE. Jonathan just screaming at the top of his lungs at the other kids. All the kids yelling back at him. It sounded horrible. We called our friend Michelle who was closer to the house than Chris or I and had her go over to check on them to make sure nobody was hurt. I don't know what we'd do without our good friend Michelle!

Jonathan got so angry with Kayla, and Kayla was so afraid she fell into a wall and literally dented the drywall.

Yes, more broken stuff at the Rhocchini house.

Great.

This happened on a Thursday and I found myself crying hysterically on the way to Choir rehearsal. Sometimes a good cry is really good, ya know? I mean, it's nothing anyone could do anything about... Chris had everything under control at the house at the time. The kids are just being teenagers, with issues.

Sometimes, though, when it's just me and God, I want to ask him WHY. Why did he give this to me? I'm no super-mom. I'm not rich. I'm not tolerant to the point of being some kind of counselor to these kids. Sometimes it feels like too much.

That day, that Thursday, it DEFINITELY felt like too much. Then God touches my heart and reminds me of what things were like at their home before DCF stepped in. He reminds me that he thinks they still need to go to college and only Chris and I can help them with that. And that we are in the right place.

******************

Funny story about maturity level which makes me think of Julie and church this weekend. Julie - bless her heart - has been going to Church with us. This is GREAT!!! I am SO HAPPY. This week she wanted to sleep in, but as she said "God woke her up". She looked AWESOME. Her makeup was beautiful, she'd lost a little weight, she looked just GREAT. I am so proud of her.

Anyways, we are at Church, middle, center, third pew in, nobody in front of us. I mean, we have Pastor Matthew spittle on our faces we are so close to front. Pastor is talking about what a great church we are -- how we tend to 'get the big picture' in terms of giving of ourselves, how we've built churches and donated so much time and money.

He had just finished talking about how our church is going to build a center to help children who have lost a parent - it'll be the first one of it's kind in the area. Right now the only time a child can get help is from Hospice, but if you are a child who's parent dies suddenly (auto accident, murder, suicide, etc), there just isn't a place for you to get assistance.

Anyways, it was a big talk and one I would think Julie would get a lot out of since her kids, in particular, would have been greatly impacted by such a facility had one been built a few years ago. Heck, they could even probably offer to work at this new one once it's up and working here. Anyways....

Pastor is preaching some deep stuff... Julie leans over and says "Hey, Tina. I just bought this new base makeup. It's really neat. It has two holes - one hole has base makeup, the other hole has lotion. (she grabs my hand and puts it on her face) Feel my face - how soft it is! Isn't it soft???"

Uh, yeah, Julie. Real soft.

So funny. Bless her heart.

******************

I got another call today from a principal at Gaither. This time for Kayte. She really dislikes her Math teacher and has been trying to get out of the class.

It's hard to explain, but she isn't teaching in such a way that Kayte understands it. Even Jonathan agrees that the teacher isn't teaching correctly.. Something about not teaching slopes for Algebra 1, and so Jonathan has been teaching her at home things that the teacher SHOULD be showing her at school. When Jonathan teaches Kayte, she immediately 'gets it'. Of course, she can't show her 'work' because the teacher hasn't shown them anything about using these slopes in class. Anyways, Kayte doesn't like the teacher and states that almost all the kids in the class are receiving D's and F's. (Kayte has a D in this class, which is very unusual for her.)

Today Kayte brought in a paper to the teacher to try to get out of the class. The teacher questioned her as to where she received the paperwork, not believing that she actually got it from guidance and Kayte replied "Well, I didn't pull it out of my BUTT!" Which, of course is disrespectful and rude, and so the teacher sent her to the principal's office.

At least she didn't say "Ass" because, as we all now know, this would have gotten her 10-days out of school suspension. Sigh.....

***********************

The computers at home are still not so good. I don't know what we are going to do. I've looked online and computer prices are really reasonable now. Maybe if I get a good new-year bonus, I can consider spending a little on this. It's hard knowing where to prioritize... With bigger things such as the termites... That it's hard to really think about. I'm still behind on things - I've been paying the mortgage 28 days late for the past year (end of the month instead of the first of the month), as a result racking up late fees but never really going over 30 days late. Catching up on this would be really great as well. But - try having 4 teenagers and a husband who works for himself and NOT having a working home computer... It just doesn't work. Not to mention it helps MY sanity when I can blog and I just CAN'T blog when I can't blog at home. I'm sitting her trying to blog from my phone. Do you know how long this is going to take me?? Yeah..... I'm going to need thumb wraps....

Sigh

So, it really is a priority. I know it is. I found this really great website that my boss uses, ecost.com. They have great deals, and I'm going to keep looking there - maybe they'll have a new-year blowout sale or something.

*******************

I am DONE Christmas shopping, by the way. I need to do one small thing for my mom, but other than that, I'm done.

The Church gave us some gift cards the other day and with that, we were able to go out and get each kid something that they wanted for Christmas. Nothing too extravagant, but at least something they wanted. Except for Jonathan, we got him a few things since he will be with us on Christmas morning (Kayla, Justin and Kayte will be in Maryland with their Grandma) we figured he needed more under the tree than just one thing. Again, nothing TOO extravagant, but he'll be happy.

He is getting everything that he asked for. Course, he hasn't asked for much. Because he has been in trouble, he keeps saying that he 'doesn't deserve anything'.

Hopefully Dr. Coniglio can help with that some tomorrow. He has been beating himself up a LOT lately.

The thing with this Christmas is... I am happy. I am very happy. Each kid has something. I realize I am blessed. I know it's not about 'things'.

I see Amanda.... She is SO STRESSED about 'things'. Maybe it's because she works in retail... Maybe it's because she is young... Maybe it's because she's not yet financially stable... But she's very unhappy and doesn't understand the 'Reason for the Season'. Sure... She isn't religious. I get that. But it's more than that. She's tightly wound around the frantic-hectic-money-side of Christmas.

Maybe she needs to experience one Christmas where she literally MAKES all the gifts - pot holders or something totally corny like that and just ENJOYS the GIVING of the gifts and not the stress of anything else. I dunno.

She's tightly wound and I wish I knew how to help. No, that's not it... I don't want to 'help'... I want HER to EXPERIENCE more and agonize LESS.

******************

OIE

I just got in from picking up Jonathan from the ATOSS program and am back at work. Phone here is ringing OFF the HOOK.

Customers calling and Kayte calls.

Kayte called to try to tell me how RIGHT she was to tell her teacher that she didn't "pull that paperwork out of her butt". She said "even the assistant principal agreed with me!" I said, "Hold it right there. The assistant principal might have agreed that the teacher was wrong in not understanding about the paperwork, but you were COMPLETELY and TOTALLY wrong in the DISRESPECTFUL MANNER in which you talked to the teacher.

She sucked her teeth at me.

I hate that.

I had to put her on hold because my phone were ringing off the hook here (I work alone I might point out) and she hung up and called me BACK so that she could once again have my undivided attention. WHAT?

She wants to go to tutoring after school. She said she needed an answer RIGHT NOW.

FINE I said. Without time to even think about how she was going to get home. I guess she needed an answer RIGHT THAT SECOND after all, right? So maybe she'll have to walk home. Then she'll have time to think about her attitude with that teacher.

Did she really think that she was going to WIN a conversation with me in which she told a teacher that she "didn't pull paperwork out of her butt"?? How completely disrespectful.

I'm still fuming over this.

******************

Great. To add to my teenage frustrations for today - a cell phone that I purchased with Kayla's money for her on Ebay came in today - and it doesn't work.

Lovely.

Now I have to research how to get my money back for an ebay auction from some schmoe selling refurbished cell phones on ebay.

Just made my day.

Sigh.....

******************

It's funny... Sometimes I feel so very blessed and fortunate. Sometimes I feel so stressed that I think my heart is just going to STOP one day. As if there were not one more thing I could possibly handle, and I'm not even sure if I can handle what I DO already have.

It's not the computer, or the phone, or one kid, or grades, or one thing... It's a lot of little things that - if you take them all at once - can become completely overwhelming.

I just have to sit back and think about the blessings at the same time. It's hard though when you are feeling overwhelmed and you feel like crying. Times like that I should just go pray.

Matter of fact, I think that's exactly what I'll go do right this second. I have 30 minutes before I have to go home. Phones have stopped ringing. I have a few minutes to compose myself. I think I'll go pray.

Computer Issues

Quick update - The "Blue Screen Of Death" came up last night on the little laptop we have at home last night.  The laptop was just limping along... having issues itself as Justin broke the back of it and we can't get it fixed just yet and we had to kind of rig it to get it to work temporarily until we could get it repaired fully.  As you may remember, the big computer that is our main home computer is really broken.

 

Chris mentioned what we really need is a new home computer.  The one we have at home is just really old.  We've had it for years... it's full of memories and programs... we've deleted everything we can, but it's just old technology and has stuff on the hard drive we just don't want to get rid of on it.  Photos, files, songs, etc.  But we are FAR away from being able to buy a whole new computer system for the house.  So... I don't know what we are going to do. 

 

I don't think the blue screen of death on the laptop is a huge issue... Google told me it was most likely an 'overheating issue'. 

 

But here's the thing. 

 

It's almost Christmas.

 

I haven't done ANY Christmas shopping. 

 

I'm stressed.

 

Computers are broken.

 

Teenagers are driving me NUTS.

 

One is on a 10-day suspension.

 

Two of them are going through PMS at the moment.

 

One is trying to be the umber-cool-guy in school and is thus failing a class.

 

And both of my computers at home have the "Blue Screen of Death".

 

I am not allowed to blog from work. 

 

Please.... nobody call me or email me and ask why I haven't blogged lately.  I promise I will blog when I can.  Okay????

 

Big................. deep............... breath................. okay then!  Thanks y'all!

 

I love each of you that care so very much for me that you CARE about what goes on in my life!!  I truly do! I thank GOD for your love and blessings every day. 

 

Never forget that the most powerful force on earth is love. Nelson Rockefeller

Broken Hand

This is going to be an extremely quick update. It's nearly 1am on Saturday night and I realize I didn't blog about the doctors appointment on Friday afternoon yet. I should do so, for those of you who don't know.

Sure enough, Jonathan DID break his hand at school on Thursday. Who is to say if that is one of the reasons he was so 'out of control' in the lunchroom. Was the school nurse wrong to send him back to class and not call me? Again, who knows. As I always say, "it is what it is".

On the way to the doctors appointment I received a call from the principal and they are NOT going to reduce his 10-day out of school suspension, which truly blows my mind. I'm trying not to focus on it because there is nothing more I can do about it and I need to set a positive example for my son. I followed the rules, I asked for a review, I was given the answer, I need to accept their response. As does he.

About his hand, he has a fracture on his left hand on around his index finger. He'll be in a cast for no less than 4 weeks. They did, however, knowing he was an active boy, put him in a removable cast. It was kind of neat actually - they form-fitted it to him there in the office and he can take it off to shower or to rest a bit at the end of the night. I simply couldn't believe it when they came back and told me it was broken. I thought for sure they were going to tell me it was just bruised. Can you IMAGINE having 10 days of "out of school suspension" work to try to make up............ WITH A CAST ON THE HAND YOU HAVE TO WRITE WITH? Do you know how long that is going to take?? OIE!

We picked out the tree today and it's really beautiful. In addition, we have lights out front, most courtesy of Chris's mom and dad, Evie and Jimmie. Kids in the neighborhood come by just to look at the lights... and they are not even all up yet! Really cool stuff!!

Please continue to keep us in your thoughts and prayers. I have so much more to blog about, but it's really late and I don't want to mess it up. Please continue to pray for strength for our family throughout the holiday season. Thanks so much.

Out Of School Suspension

I was on my first of two vacation days yesterday... relaxing at home, putting up Christmas decorations in the yard - when the phone rang early afternoon. It was the school. An assistant principal. He said he was not calling with good news.

This can't be good I thought.

I went inside to sit down.

He proceeds to tell me that Jonathan was being suspended, out of school, for 10 days, for cursing at a school administrator. WHAT?????????????

Jonathan????????

Here's what happened....

Jonathan was already tired yesterday. He got in late after singing at Epcot with the chorus (school business). Running late, he missed breakfast. During one of his early periods, he was playing around with some friends and accidentally hit a wall. Not fighting or anything, just playing around. It was his left hand, which he writes with. His knuckle is incredibly swollen, he thinks it's broken. Great. Goes to the school nurse who tells him to ice it and he'd have to get an xray to be sure and sends him back to class. At PE, the coach says something to him about having a fight with a wall and the wall winning - everyone laughs - Jonathan is embarrassed. Bad day!! Ugg. Then in math, he has a pop quiz. His hand hurts... he's frazzled... he FAILS the quiz. But, math comes very easy to Jonathan. He gets A's on EVERY math test he ever takes. He is very upset that he has failed this math test. Very upset.

Then comes lunch. When you have free lunch, you give them a number and they punch it in and the computer tells the lunch lady you are good to go. For some reason yesterday, the computer wasn't working correctly. His lunch number wasn't working - 20 kids had to keep going past Jonathan as she kept trying to re-enter his number over and over again to see if it would work. Then he finally gets it to work and goes to sit down. Ten kids and Jonathan at the lunch table. The kids at the lunch table, while Jonathan isn't looking, hide his lunch. He turns around, lunch missing - asks where his lunch is - nobody knows. He gets upset. He's already missed breakfast. He's late for lunch because of the mess-up with his number. He's had a really bad day. His hand hurts. And the kids just keep pushing and will not return his lunch. Jonathan gets really angry and keeps asking where his lunch is. This, of course, just fuels the kids who think it's funny.

This draws the attention of teachers and administrators. An administrator (assistant principal) comes over to ask Jonathan what the problem is, but rather than answering her nicely, Jonathan turns to her and says "You don't fucking understand. They stole my shit!".

And with those words, Jonathan was automatically given 10 days out of school suspension.

In his school, using profanity to a teacher is automatic grounds for 10-days out of school suspension.

Now.... call me an overprotective mom here, but I disagree with this punishment. BUT, I do not disagree with punishment. I agree that he NEEDS to be punished. There are levels of punishment.... they could have called the parent.... they could have given him in school suspension.... they could have given him 3 days of out of school suspension... or they could have given him 10 days out of school suspension.

For a kid who has NEVER had ANY discipline problems... who was being provoked at a lunchroom table.... who didn't fight.... who didn't show any violence.... he just cursed.... for this he gets the MAXIMUM penalty? Really??? Is it just me?

I talked to the school board. I talked to the area director for the school board. I talked to the assistant principal, and I talked to the principal of Gaither. I told all of them that, I totally understand that they MUST have guidelines. I understand that they don't want kids running around cursing at the teachers and faculty.

Jonathan wasn't cursing AT this woman out of anger AT her. He wasn't violent with her. He wasn't a bad kid. He was in a difficult situation at the time. And, for that reason, I felt the punishment, for HIM, was too harsh. They are going to review the situation and call me back today with a recommendation.

What Jonathan learned from all of this is that he wants to learn to control his anger. We're going to make an appointment for him to go an see someone else. He already sees a doctor once every three months, but this will be in addition to that. He knows that he shouldn't have gotten THAT angry over kids just stealing his lunch. He knows now that it was just because of all the other things that happened throughout the day leading up to that time. He just needs to learn to deal with those things, to not let it build up to where he finds himself cursing at an adult in the middle of a lunchroom. And I think he's young enough where he can get a handle on it quickly.

So I picked him up from school, and he came home and cried pretty much ALL AFTERNOON. He sobbed in his room the rest of the day. It was so sad. But, by the end of the night, I think we were able to get through to him that he could LEARN from this, instead of feeling sorry for himself or being angry with himself.

The other really bad thing that happened yesterday was the computer, the big main computer of the house, had the 'blue screen of death' come on. Several times. Before all the kids came home, when I was alone - so I know THEY didn't do it. Yeah, the home computer is BROKEN. Not good. Just what we need, one more thing broken. An expensive thing. Great.

So, today is my second vacation day. On my to-do list is to clean house a little bit. Finish putting up Christmas lights outside, although not much more I can do myself I think. I might wash some clothes. Pick up Jonathan from the out of school suspension facility at 2:25, then take him to his doctors appointment at 4. Kayte is supposed to go for Xrays sometime, but I don't think we are going to make it today, maybe Saturday... I dunno. That's no big emergency, just 'whenever' for her allergies. They may want an xray of Jonathan's hand today, if so, UGG, that won't be good.

Hopefully tomorrow we are going to get our Christmas tree picked out and get it decorated. That's always fun.

To be brutally honest. I'm sitting here stressed beyond words. I'm thrilled that Chris's jobs have finally picked back up. But I'm stressed. I owe people money. I owe my sister. I owe my best friend. I owe Amscot. I have bill collectors calling my house for the first time in years. It's stressful. It'll be better soon, I'm sure. I'm positive actually. But in the 'here and now', it's eating me up inside. Sigh.

I should really run. So much to do....

Please say some extra prayers today for Jonathan. He could sure use them. Thanks.

Judge Not

So Sunday Kayte decides to tell me about something that happened to she and Justin on Friday when they were walking to the park on FRIDAY with friends.

Now, I'm going to say this story, and I don't mean to sound prejudice or whatever -- but -- I swear to you, this is another kind of thing that would never happen to Amanda and Jonathan. I don't know why. Because they are whiter than snow? No, I really don't think that has anything to do with it. I prefer to think it's because their friends are just different kinds of people. I mean, I've talked about it before, some of the kids that call here for Justin, Kayla and Kayte sound as if they've just robbed a liquor store - all "gangsta sounding". It's just a TOTALLY different world, I'm telling you. Anyways, the story....

Kayte and Justin are walking with friends to a park. They walk by a park bench where there is writing all over the bench. They notice a sharpie on the ground - they pick it up and try to write with it. It's out of ink, so they drop it. One of the boys walks away, going to his house, the others continue to the park to talk.

Just then a woman screeches her car and cuts off Kayte, nearly running her over. She slams on her brakes, jumps out of the car, and tells the kids that she is an undercover officer and wants to know "where is the bag with drugs in it". Kayte and the other kids have NO idea what the woman is talking about. Drugs? Bag? What??? She said that she saw them exchange drugs for money at the park bench, again explaining that she was an undercover officer, explaining the park was under camera surveillance, and asked where the drugs were. The kids started laughing, which infuriated the woman. The kids explained how they only picked up a sharpie that was out of ink, they didn't know anything about drugs.

The kids went to a friend's parent's house that lived nearby with a mom who is apparently even more protective than I am and she immediately called the police.

The police came out and they took a statement from the kids. Chris and I immediately knew that IF indeed this woman was an undercover narcotics officer she would never identify herself in that manner, nor would she nearly run the kids over with her car, and of course she wouldn't state there were hidden cameras on the property if indeed there were. The whole thing just smelled wrong. We figured it had to be a woman who lived in the neighborhood who was fed up with drug activity in her local park taking matters into her own hands.

The police, however, were not so nice to the kids when they got there. They kept asking them "did you fear for your life?" "Did you think this woman was going to kill you with her car?". When the kids said that, no, they didn't think she was trying to KILL them, the police officer began to put his pen and paper away. The other mother told the police officer that it TOTALLY was not the point, that the point was that this woman was out there harassing kids, claiming to be a police officer when she was NOT, and scared the hell out of the kids who were at the park doing NOTHING wrong. Don't you THINK the police would WANT to know when a person was PRETENDING to be a police officer? I would think so too. She told the officer to pull out his pen and little pad of paper and write down what happened. And he did. I really like this mom!!

I told Kayte that the next time she was almost run over at a park by a person claiming to be an undercover narcotics officer, and the police were called and she was questioned by a police officer, to PLEASE not wait for a couple days before she told me.

Too funny.

***********************

So.... Kayla! She has a new boyfriend. I don't know how long this one will last as he doesn't go to her school - but I REALLY like this kid. We met him at the High School Football game last Friday night. He as a super polite kid "yes ma'am" and "yes sir" the whole time, but not in such a way that he was putting on a 'show', you could just tell it came naturally to him.

The other day Kayla had dinner over his house/apartment. He lives with his Aunt and Uncle. I had her call so I could speak with them to make sure it was okay that she eat over and I spoke with the Uncle. Well, the Uncle was JUST as polite, if you can believe that. I told him what a great nephew he seemed to have, that his manners really impressed me.

When they finished dinner, he drove Kayla home and came in to see the house and meet us. He was blown away with our home. He kept saying over and over again how big it was. Kayla pulled me into a corner and said "Auntie Tina... The ONLY thing they had in their fridge was leftover ham and red bull. NOTHING ELSE!" The kid was so impressed with our house, how big it was, and how much food we had. Our fridge of course was overflowing with food leftover from Thanksgiving.

I think Kayla finds boyfriends like this right around this time of year to REMIND me of how VERY BLESSED I truly am. I mean, this young man was a very VERY nice kid. Polite. Manners. He works. He is happy. He briefly explained at the football game that he was in college, I believe playing football if I remember correctly, and was hurt, had knee surgery, needed $5,000 for something or another, and had to move in down here with his Aunt and Uncle because he didn't have it. Now he's sharing a family member's small apartment with nothing in the fridge but leftover ham and red bull.

But my goodness he was polite. And, having reminders like that of how very fortunate we are this time of year is so very important. It's so easy for me to see people who have SO MUCH this time of year and for me to feel -- inadequate. To wish you could give the kids more. To wish you could do more. To spend half the holiday simply WISHING. When we should spend the holiday season THANKING and remembering how grateful we really are.

***********************

Jonathan, I hope, will be going to Epcot Center with his school chorus tomorrow. He is in a HUGE chorus at school. If you've never heard the Gaither Chorus, it's really something. (Speaking of - Next Thursday, December 6th, is his Holiday Concert!)

In his Concert Chorus alone there are 87 kids. Additionally there is an all female chorus of probably 70 girls. Their Choir Director is Debbie Connelly whom I know from Toast of Tampa. I sang with her for a long time and she has been in many GREAT quartets. She has 2 crowns from singing in quartets deemed the 'best in the world'. Yeah, she's a GREAT singer, and she's teaching kids. How awesome for Jonathan, huh?

The harmonies in their songs are incredible. They were invited to go to Epcot Center to sing with the Voices of Liberty, Epcot's professional singing group. The Voices of Liberty are another Singing Group that Chris and I know from our days singing barbershop. These people are more 'best of the best'. I'd say there are usually 10 professional singers in Voices of Liberty. Jonathan's 87 member chorus is going to sing, in Epcot, with these professional singers, in front of everyone at Epcot? Holy COW!

It actually took a lot of arm-twisting to get Jonathan to go. For some reason, he didn't practice his music or turn in any of the paperwork we gave to him. Heck, it only cost us $15 for the bus, but out of it get got in free this time, PLUS two tickets to get in free for the future. (One the school keeps for a future planned trip, one he can keep.) Why on EARTH would he not want to go? I dunno... But hopefully today he turned everything in because it's a great opportunity. I'll let you know later.

**********************

I've been debating on whether on not to blog about this. I don't want to come off as self-righteous by any means. Blogging, if it does nothing else for me, allows me to sit back and examine many sides of a situation. Sometimes I go into a blog thinking (bull-headed) one way and finish the blog thinking totally different. It's the main reason I love blogging. I enjoy thinking and examining things that much.

Last night we were with a group of fellow Christians. The subject came up about a person (not in the group) who was applying for a job, was 3 months pregnant and didn't tell them at the time of her interview. Nobody for sure knows why - did she KNOW she was pregnant? "How could she not know?" Someone said. Was she ethically and morally wrong? She's not required by law to disclose that she was pregnant, and by law, the employer doing the hiring isn't allowed to ask. There's a reason for that... Many times an employer wouldn't want to hire someone knowing they were pregnant. So, if you were pregnant, would you want to tell them at your interview? So, isn't it ethically wrong for the employer to ask, knowing that statistically your odds of being hired are then slim to none? Why was the woman, who followed the law and kept quiet (assuming she knew) morally wrong? Hmmmm....

I don't know why this has been on my mind all day today. I think because we - the group of us - judged this woman without knowing her or her circumstances. And it's bothered me all day that I judged her without knowing much about her.

Today my mind as I thought about this were two people in particular...

Jennifer who was FIVE MONTHS pregnant before she knew she was pregnant. How does that happen? Well, things were going on with her and she just assumed she was sick and gaining weight. She'd always had period problems. Had she been the one interviewing, she'd have flat out NOT KNOWN at three months. And us Christians would have had her judged and sentenced as a morally bad person.

Then I thought about one of the kids' friend's moms. She has teenage children, high school age, but has been wanting another child desperately. She just had a baby a few months ago. We didn't find out she was pregnant until she was 6 months pregnant. Why? Well, because - as she shared with us at that time - she had SO MANY miscarriages that she didn't want to 'share the good news' until she knew for sure that the baby was going to survive. Keeping a pregnancy secret at 3 months because you've had 6 miscarriages or more in the past couple of years has got to be a difficult decision. I'm sure it's one that she probably didn't make after the first few miscarriages - but probably one she made after heartaches after heartaches... It might have been the best way that SHE may have known to protect herself and her sanity, should she lose another baby.

Who is to say, if this person were the one who applied for the job and she kept a pregnancy to herself for this reason, that it was wrong? Me? Not me... Who am I to judge?

Judging is a bad idea, in my opinion. So many times I feel dirty after I hear people talk about things they are judging people for - in particular things I've done: Don't buy a lottery ticket. Don't go to Amscot. My boss is big on these things and preaches to me often times.

But ya know, I actually spent $12 the other day on scratch-off tickets. I haven't bought lotto tickets in YEARS. I spent $12 and won $28. I needed that more than you know. I am not a gambler... I don't have a problem... Don't judge. It's just a ticket.

And, yes, I went to Amscot right after Thanksgiving. If I didn't, we'd have no food for dinner tonight. Payday isn't till next week and things are not so well this time of year. (Bathroom remodels at Thanksgiving and Christmas? Some... But not many.) Am I a sinner? No, of course I am not. I am, however, providing for my family in the only way I know how, without going to a food bank.

So, I ask you all to take a little time to think before you judge. Or better yet... Don't judge at all. Leave judgment to God. He's really the only one that matters anyways, right? Compassion is a trait that I think many of us could strive towards a little more every day. Have compassion for your fellow men, and know that we will all be judged by Him when our time comes.

Luke 6:37
Do not judge others, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn others, or it will all come back against you. Forgive others, and you will be forgiven.

Lies, Phones and Piercings

I wanted to blog about what happened on Wednesday, the day before Thanksgiving. I was able to leave work at noon and finally do some much-needed grocery shopping for the big Thanksgiving dinner.

When I returned home, I checked mail. In the mail was Kayla's bank statement which comes addressed to both she and I as I was the Guardian who opened the account with her. I opened the statement and noticed one activity - a cell phone charge of $68 - ironically on the SAME day as Chris and I took away her cell phone.

You see, the day Kayla came home from school with a C on her report card, a C which she claimed to KNOW beyond any reasonable doubt was not possible to have, Kayla had decided to go to Metro PCS to buy her own phone - behind our backs.

Chris and I had discussed cell phones at great length prior to this. When Kayla first got her job she talked about how it was possible that she COULD buy her own phone. But Chris and I really wanted her on OUR cell phone plan so that: 1) it could be used as a reward (Kayla LOVES the phone) and 2) we could monitor her calls to make sure she doesn't use it at school or after hours. Metro PCS phone meant she was using it any time she wanted to.

Chris and I were both furious to find this out. How could she just go out, behind our backs, and buy a cell phone? Our minds raced as we talked about how many times it meant that she had 'lied' to us over the past few weeks. We had seen her with a cell phone in her pocket - "it belongs to my friend" she would say. We had noticed Chris's charger missing - never once thought it odd that it happened to be in Kayla's room. How many times she had told us "I'm working really hard to bring up my grades so that I can get a cell phone again!" -- knowing full well that she HAD ONE already that she was hiding from us. I was furious.

When all of this happened - Kayla and Kayte were not here. They had gone to cash Kayla's check and then to get Kayla's nails done. I drove up to the Metro PCS store to ask them how on EARTH they could sell a cell phone without adult consent. Isn't there some kind of rule or something?? Come to find out - after talking to Metro PCS - you can be 5 years old, walk in with cash - and walk out with a cell phone ready to go - no adult necessary. Scary thought, huh? I asked the woman behind the counter HOW and WHY they would allow this to happen! I explained that she was probably using it all during school and after hours and now that she had it and was ABLE to follow THEIR rules and hide it from her parents - we had no control over it. As a parent of a teenager (her daughter was working the store with her) I could tell that she sympathized with me... she just wasn't able to do anything about it. She did, however, give me a copy of Kayla's contract, which - since it's month-to-month isn't really a 'contract', so it's perfectly legal for a child to have and sign. This contract gave me Kayla's new cell phone number.

I smile now as I sit and try to imagine the look on Kayla's face when she looked down and her secretive cell phone and saw Uncle Chris's number come up on the caller ID. Her heart must have sunk. She answered the phone then hung up. The next few times we called, the phone went directly to voice mail. Odd, huh? Yeah, she was probably having a heart attack. Chris's message said something about Kayla being "Busted" and that she needed to call home IMMEDIATELY.

When Kayla arrived back at home, we all sat down and talked about the cell phone and the bigger issue - the lying. She claimed to see NOTHING wrong with what she did. Chris explained to her that IF she had only talked to us... tried to make a good argument about WHY she really FELT that she NEEDED a cell phone, we would probably have agreed with her and would have put her on our plan. Heck, I'm PAYING $30 a month right now for a cell phone that nobody here is using since nobody made honor roll!

We really tried to NOT be too hard on her. Just explain our side - explain how hurt we were - MORE about the lying than the actual cell phone. We learned about pushing too hard from raising Amanda - push too hard and they do EXACTLY what you don't want them to do. Now we're trying the 'fair yet responsible' approach.

Kayla talked about how she couldn't WAIT to turn 18 so she could do 'whatever she wanted' to do. She talked about turning 18 and moving back to Riverview to live with her mom. This killed me. She will still have a year and a half of high school to finish when she turns 18... she won't graduate until well after she turns 19. We talked to her some about this... about how her mom needed to focus on getting HERSELF better. About how Julie would have NO CLUE how to fill out that massive paperwork for Kayla's college education. And, I don't mean to sound like I'm being vengeful here, but if she decides to move back home with Julie, I will fully expect Julie to do this on her own - I will NOT help them do it. One of the biggest things we are trying to teach Kayla is that for every action there is a consequence.

Kayla believes that when she turns 18 everything will be just wonderful. She can get out on her own, do whatever she wants, that things will be totally different. I suppose that feeling is normal for a teenager her age. She'll be 17 in January. But - she has so many opportunities and is SO capable of messing them up if she does the wrong thing.

And of course, I was hurting inside because Kayla said that she wanted to do this because she believed in some wonderful fantasy about turning 18 and suddenly being an adult and everything changes. Nothing to do with her mom. Never took into consideration how Justin and Kayte would feel or if it was the right thing to do. She just knew it WAS a decision she was able to make when she turned 18 and she was set and determined to make it.

Course, if I know Julie, she will tell her to come on over as soon as she's 18. Julie, I believe, won't put Kayla's best interest first. The fact that she has a network of friends here and will have been at Gaither for 2 1/2 years, with a year and a half left to finish. The fact that Julie, right now, can't take care of herself, never-mind herself and a kid - not just my belief but that of the family, DCF, the courts and the Judge. I believe Julie will read this and her heart will be thrilled and filled with anticipation. And for that, again, my heart breaks.

I keep trying to tell myself that Kayla's telling me this was just because she was angry or hurt or she felt as if she were backed into a corner. I don't know. I guess we will see.

Anyways... so we sat and talked through a LOT of this stuff. I pointed out to Kayla MULTIPLE times that it was the LIES that were getting me so upset. By the end of the discussion we had agreed to allow her to have a cell phone: she will continue on the Metro PCS contract till this month's 'non-contract' period ends, then she can move over to our plan - where we can monitor her calls and text messages, to make sure she is doing what she is supposed to do.

With that just said "to make sure she is doing what she is supposed to do" - Kayla doesn't quite understand that us doing that could be a VERY good thing for her. She wants us to notice when she's doing good and notice when she's not lying. For that to happen, we need to monitor the situation. Right now, for all I know, she's up at 3am texting friends, against our rules. This way - we WILL know when she is doing the right thing. So, I hope Kayla views it as a positive thing.

Kayla will pay us $30 a month while she is not on honor roll for her phone plan ($9.99 for the phone and $19.99 for unlimited text messages). This is still cheaper than her Metro PCS plan she was on, so she comes out a winner. She just can't hide and lie. We'll see if it works. If and when she makes honor roll, we will pick up the tab and cover the cost in full.

After our discussion, Kayla called our friend Michelle outside of the house to talk. They stood in the driveway and Kayla confessed something 'else' to Michelle. "While she was being truthful" Kayla said. Michelle told Kayla that she needed to tell her Aunt and Uncle. Kayla was okay with telling Chris but wanted to wait to tell me. They call Chris out front to talk. After a while, I go outside to see what they are doing (I didn't know at this point WHAT was going on.)

Kayla is shaking and crying and tells me that she has to tell me something.

"Oh my God, you are pregnant?" I said. "NOOOOO" Kayla replied. I told her from there it was all downhill then. No biggie after that was ruled out.

Kayla was still very VERY upset. Her hands were shaking, she didn't want to say anything. Michelle says "SHOW HER"! With that my first thought was that she got another permanent tattoo. "Oh, please tell me you didn't get another tattoo!" "NOOOOO" Kayla said. "It's not that." And with that and some prompting by Michelle and Chris, she sticks out her tongue to reveal a tongue ring.

A tongue ring?

Ah jeez.

Well, at least it's temporary, right? She can take it out and all go back to normal. It's also so far back on her tongue that you really can't see it unless she shows it to you. But why????

Well, some of her friends have them. This one friend said she's do it for her. And, one night while Kayla spent the night, she pierced her tongue. I was wondering why she didn't eat much with us anymore and she stayed up in her room so much nowadays. She did this about 2 weeks ago. She hid it for TWO WEEKS.

Kayla, honest to goodness, can't tell the truth to save her life. I totally don't get it. Did she think she was going to hide all of this forever? Did she think we'd NEVER find out? I'm the cool Aunt who took her to get her belly button pierced - I don't care much about a piercing. Again, it's temporary; take it out and it's gone. At least she didn't do her eye and/or her lip where everyone would see it all the time. Those I just don't get. Why would she hide this from me?

We did talk to her at length about the diseases she might have because she got a piercing in an unsanitary place. She could get infected - she hasn't looked up how to properly care for it - she could have gotten Hepatitis from an un-sterile needle - so many things. But she's 16 and not thinking or caring about any of that.

**********************************************

Julie is home from Twelve Oaks. She called me last night telling me that she was reading the blog and the number of Xanax bottles in the prior blog are wrong. She claims to have NO Xanax. I told her that was what they discussed at her intake at Twelve Oaks. She was there, but I guess she doesn't remember any of the conversation. Course, she was pretty out of it at the time.

Speaking of that... I sure hope she gets back on her medicines from Dr. Brown. Julie, if you are reading this, PLEASE tell me you are going to see Dr. Brown IMMEDIATELY to get your meds straightened out. Also, ask her if there is a way that you can NEVER EVER get back under the care of Dr. Vijapuri again. That man does nothing but dope you up!

Anyways... she is home and I suppose is coming over for Church and her visit tomorrow. I'm excited, but anxious as to which Julie will show up - the good one that was here a few weeks ago, or the drugged up person Dr. Vijapuri created.

I also hope that she follows through with the plan that Twelve Oaks told me that they wanted her to follow -- NEVER get on another NARCOTIC again. Ever. It was going to require discipline on Julie's part, but I hope and pray that she is able to do it. I know she gave it a good-hearted try when DCF was involved and her kids were at stake. I don't know if Julie loves herself enough to want to do it JUST for herself. But I hope she does.

**********************************************

Thanksgiving was wonderful here. We had Chris's mom and dad over, along with his step-brother Danny. We also had a friend who used to live next door to Evie and Jimmie and her two children over. And, lest we forget - the 'traveled the furthest' award goes to Amanda and Gene! Gene had to work on Thanksgiving but was supposed to get off at 4:30. We didn't want to have dinner SUPER early so that when Amanda and Gene came over dinner was stone-cold. But we couldn't really wait until 7 either. We planned to have dinner at 5:30, but Amanda called to say Gene was cut early and they could be over about 6, so we waited and had dinner after they arrived.

Of course dinner was awesome - Turkey, Ham, Potatoes, Stuffing, Green Bean Casserole, and lots more stuff - YUMMY! But it was spending the time with family and friends that made it the best.

With that said, I leave you with this for today:

Be Thankful
Author Unknown

Be thankful that you don't already have everything you desire,
If you did, what would there be to look forward to?

Be thankful when you don't know something
For it gives you the opportunity to learn.

Be thankful for the difficult times.
During those times you grow.

Be thankful for your limitations
Because they give you opportunities for improvement.

Be thankful for each new challenge
Because it will build your strength and character.

Be thankful for your mistakes
They will teach you valuable lessons.

Be thankful when you're tired and weary
Because it means you've made a difference.

It is easy to be thankful for the good things.
A life of rich fulfillment comes to those who are
also thankful for the setbacks.

GRATITUDE can turn a negative into a positive.
Find a way to be thankful for your troubles
and they can become your blessing.

God Always Provides

So, I've been asked the question, "Why don't you change your blog title from Tina's Daily Blog to Tina's Sometimes Blog". Yeah, very funny.

Seriously though, I do blog when I can - and with limited time at work, one working computer at home and four teenagers fighting for it, I blog when I can. The reason I don't change the title is because I know that some people find the blog by googling "Tina's Daily Blog". So, the title stays as-is, capeesh? LOL

So, teenagers. Frustrating teenagers. That is what I wanted to blog about Monday but was too exhausted to get into. Justin - oh my goodness.... Justin has been having some difficulty following instructions.

When the kids first moved in we discussed the music they listened to. Rap music is fine, I'm totally okay with some of it. I listen to 98.7 here when I'm not listening to the Joy FM, oddly enough. Not all rap music is bad, I personally love the beat/rhythm and so I totally get why the kids love it. However, the kids of music the kids were listening to when they moved in here was hard-core -- the kind of music they CAN'T play on the radio. I've blogged about it before. It was frustrating.

The other day I deleted over 600 songs from my hard-drive that were just hard-core NASTY music on my home computer. Stuff I told him he could not listen to nor download but he continued to do so anyways. We've told him over and over again that listening to those kinds of things fills your head with nothing but TRASH. I'll give you some examples, but you have to excuse the cursing, okay?

"Man these niggas done come up in da mofuckin crib and got me fo my shit dawg. What you gonna do about it? Fuck you nigga! " Or how about "Shove the barrel down your throat, inhale bullets like some smoke. Ima leave you bitches dead cut a sunroof in yo head" and then it goes on to talk about how he's going to kill you with a gun. Put it to your head and pull the trigger, graphically describing the whole thing. Lovely, huh?

Another song is all about abusing prescription medications: "Slip me two Xanax bars, 11 Percocets just entered me. 15 minutes from this second, I'll be crawling on my knees. Oxycontin in my system man I'm feeling kinda strange. Oxycontin, Xanax, Percocet, Lortab, Valium, Morphine, Excasy, it's all up for grab."

What on EARTH is he doing listening to this HORRIBLE stuff? I'm really not a prude - REALLY I'm not. But - drugs, pills, shooting people - I have issues with singing about this kind of stuff. My sister Katie might think it's silly, it's just music, but wait until the day her little girl starts singing about putting a gun to someone's head or smoking some dope - we'll see if she still feels the same way. Sigh.....

Thank God Chris was able to sit down with him last night and talk to him in a 'Fatherly fashion'. He explained to him that he was sure Justin was trying to put on a certain 'persona' around his friends, but that Justin should try to be better than that. We probably talked to him for a good 30-45 minutes about it Monday night. I know the kids have changed a LOT. I drive down the road and listen to the Joy FM and all the kids will sing along to the songs like "How Great Is Our God", whereas they used to give me horrible grief about changing the station every few seconds. Justin is just -- stuck in this place right now.

He just hasn't developed willpower to be able to stand up to things that he knows to be wrong yet. Hopefully we'll get there - we'll continue to work on him. You guys can help out by continuing to pray, okay? Thanks!

********************************

Yet more broken things here around the Rhocchini house. The hot tub broke last night. The iron broke this morning. Yes, it's just not a normal day unless SOMETHING is broken.

Again, the good news is that Chris can most likely pretty easily fix the hot tub. It's just going to have to wait a while.

It just amazes me all the time how much things around here break.

********************************

I suppose I should be more stressed about Thanksgiving, but I'm just not. Not yet anyways. I haven't bought a single thing just yet. Not one potato or pie. Jeez. Okay, now I'm getting stressed!! Thankfully my mother in law is coming over with lots of stuff, including the turkey and stuffing - so a lot of the necessities are already taken care of. I'm going to try to do the potatoes and green bean casserole. I'll probably get a few pies as well, I'm sure. I've got a list ready, and I'm sure I'll add to it as the day goes on.

What I'm more stressed about is having to take that payday advance. It took me 5 minutes to type that, backspace it out, then type it again and again. I just hate getting into that loop, ya know? Truth is.... that's why I haven't bought anything yet for Thanksgiving tomorrow. Today I HAVE to. The good news is that Chris's business has several jobs lined up for after Thanksgiving, so I know things are going to get better. Indeed. I just need to focus on that, instead of feeling like a failure for not making it this month. Focus on the future - the positive. Heck, it's been an INCREDIBLE month. Chris turned 40 and we had a great party for him with lots of friends. He took 2 days and he and Michelle took Julie all the way up to the Panhandle to get her into a VERY nice rehab facility. Last month I got a raise. And all the kids are doing well in school. I have so much to be thankful for.

I think I'll spend the rest of the day trying to focus on those things - what I have to feel thankful for - rather than wallowing around in my own guilt and depression.

Because God is good.... and God always provides... and I need to do a better job of remembering that.

As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them.
John F. Kennedy

Hidden Blessings

This weekend Chris was working on the Durango. The water pump went out and Chris said it was going to be a pretty easy and inexpensive fix. This was GREAT news as we didn't have a lot of time or money to fix it.

Friday Chris began working on it and quickly realized it was going to be a bigger problem than he originally thought. The nut that he needed to remove was HUGE and he didn't have a tool on-hand which was big enough to get it off. When he read the manual, he realized he needed a special tool to get the thing off.

Special tool = big bucks, right? Yeah..... great.

We had nothing in checking and $100 in savings, so I moved it over. Chris went to Advanced Auto where he was told the tool was roughly $70 - BUT - it was a "loaner tool" meaning, he would buy it, and when he returned it, we'd get the $70 back. Awesome. This was a hidden blessing for sure.

He buys the tool and comes home and tries to remove the nut, but it won't budge. He even had a neighbor come over to help, but - no luck.

While he was working on this on Friday, I really needed some groceries. Remember I thought I was going to have to pull out a payday advance? Although I still might for Thanksgiving food, I was worried at the time about things like milk, cereal and bread. I called my sister Katie who mentioned something about a credit card. This made me think about that little bitty credit card I have that I rarely use and keep for emergencies. I called to check my balance and low and behold, I had $169 available credit - so I was able to get a few groceries. Another hidden blessing! Yeah!!!

I come home Friday night and Chris has had no luck with the Durango. He calls his step-father Jimmie. Jimmie is AWESOME with cars and has taught Chris a TON about fixing them over the years. Jimmie agrees to come over on Saturday to help Chris with the Durango. Having a family member not only talented enough to repair this car, but also willing to drive over to help us out on a Saturday, hidden blessing yet again.

Saturday morning Jimmie shows up and Chris and Jimmie begin work on the Durango. I tell ya, these guys are talented. They have taken apart many engines and put them back together. However, at noon, Chris came into the house (okay, okay, I was still in bed!) and he was... what's the word.... he seemed - defeated. He was SO incredibly upset. What was supposed to be a quick and easy fix - two or three bolt/nuts removed and the water pump comes off - wasn't so easy. At noon Chris and Jimmie had the front half of the engine removed; Everything from the grill to the engine block was gone. I know it wasn't that Chris thought they couldn't get it apart and put it back together, it was just that it was supposed to be so much easier. However, Jimmie and Chris worked on it until it was done - and sure enough - by 3 pm or so - the engine was back together and the Durango was running again! YEAH! Another blessing!

I'm telling you - I am so darn proud of my husband - that Chris is capable of doing these things. I am one lucky wife, let me tell you! And, I guess that's yet ANOTHER blessing, isn't it!

I just got in from bible study. It's late and I'm exhausted. I've got more to blog about, but hopefully will have some time tomorrow to do so.

Please keep us in your prayers. Thanks!

How You Live

I called Twelve Oaks multiple times yesterday trying to find out if Julie had been approved for a full stay at their rehab center. Finally at 3 p.m. I told them that if they didn't have an answer, Chris was going to HAVE to come there and pick her up and take her home - that they simply could NOT take another day off of work to sit up there and just WAIT around for Tricare to give approval. With that, they told me that they were going to keep her. They couldn't tell me for how long (a week, 21 days, 90 days or whatever), but they did tell me that Chris and Michelle could go home.

So, they headed home and made it to Tampa shortly before Midnight last night. Those of you who kept them in your prayers, THANK YOU. I'm certain that the power of prayer works and that you helped. I really appreciate you taking the time to say a short prayer for them.

Chris told me more about Julie's trip with them. He'd never really spent THAT MUCH time with my sister alone. He said.... Well... She is much like a child. She wore Care Bear pajamas and complained quite a bit throughout the trip about being thirsty. They stopped to get her some water, but then she wouldn't drink it. However, when they stopped to eat, she had NO problem woofing that down quickly. She had a "Baconator" which Chris said is the largest Hamburger he has ever seen. She had eaten the entire thing before he had half of his smaller hamburger gone.

At one point, they were driving down the road, Julie rolled down her window and tried to take all of her trash from lunch (bag, wrappers, cup, etc) and pitch it out the window as they were driving down the highway. Chris and Michelle both yelled at her to STOP! And asked her what she was doing. She said "Throwing away my trash". They explained to her that you can't just pitch trash outside your window when you feel like it. She said that they had people that came along to pick up trash for just that reason. Sigh...

Chris said over and over again that Julie demonstrated to him that she didn't have the capabilities of an adult. His words "She doesn't have the rationality to govern herself as an adult". She acted like a big kid the whole time.

He said that he could clearly see Justin, Kayla and Kayte all rolled up into one person in Julie. Julie has Kayte's ability to justify everything, Kayla's lying ability, and Justin's slowness/immaturity.

Chris thought we really needed to have a family meeting while Julie was in the treatment facility to try to get on the same page about Julie. After spending 2 days with her, Chris just didn't understand how Julie can live on her own when she can't act like an adult.

This is a tough situation. Julie right now is NOT the same way she was a few weeks ago at my house when she was doing so well. Dr. Vijapuri has doped her to the point where she is unable to focus, communicate, and even stay awake for a period of time. But Dr. Vijapuri, I think, likes it that way. She's less able to hurt herself I suppose.

Would Chris have felt the same way if the Julie who had come over our house a few weeks ago were in that car? The one who went to Church with us and it was a pleasure to spend the entire day with her? No.... I don't think it's even the same person. I mean... It IS the same person, but the medication makes her TOTALLY different.

Which - case in point - is EXACTLY why she needs to be in a Substance Abuse program. To learn to love herself OFF all that medication. To strive to live for THOSE good days. And those good days turn into good weeks, which turn into good months, which - God willing - turn into good years.

Anyways.... Mom and I talked some about the options should Julie need some kind of long term care. We've talked about this before: where would she go? Group home? They really don't make a group home for her kind of disorder. A state mental hospital I suppose is the only place. Or a nursing home, but she's not THAT bad. In particular when she's properly medicated.

Chris and I discussed someone (us) dishing out Julie's medications FOR her. To make sure that she doesn't have too much medication at home. But then you run into the same problems... If she goes to another doctor, she keeps that medicine at home. Julie is VERY smart about those things. How else did she get all that Xanax?

Which is really funny to me....

Julie got ON the Xanax only when she got robbed. Do you remember that? She was working at Circle K in November of 2006 and was robbed at gunpoint. She was not ALLOWED to get on addictive medication, but they made an exception because of the trauma of being robbed. Actually, they made an exception because the case worker at the time screwed up. (Remember this one?) Anyways.... That was November 2006. The doctors told her that she would NOT be allowed to be on the medication for any longer than TWO WEEKS. Now here we are November 2007 and she takes them ALL THE TIME. Additionally she takes Ativan as well as normal longer-term mood stabilizers. She had 15 bottles of just Xanax at home prescribed by 4 different doctors.

The funny part to me is that normal people like me can't get the prescription. I carry around with me that ONE prescription I got in April 2007. I got Xanax at that time because Julie was on a respirator and I was having a difficult time adjusting and coping. I was given 30 pills and I still have 4 left.

Yet, someone with a medical history of substance abuse and heavy prescription abuse gets more pills than one can possibly imagine. How does that happen? I dunno.

I want Julie to get much better. She was doing SO WELL a few weeks ago. I feel like Dr. Vijapuri made her take 10 steps BACK and that's where she is starting from at Twelve Oaks. It's frustrating.

The other thing Chris talked about was Julie moving in with us. Now, I have thought of this before - it would allow her more time to spend with her kids, and it would be financially easier for Julie and maybe even for us (she could pay us rent). But, the whole dynamics of the house would change. How would the kids act on a day-to-day basis? Who would be the parent in a discipline situation? What about times when we might need to discipline Julie? (May sound odd, but those of you who know Julie personally know what I mean.) Lastly, what would that mean for the court order already in place for visitation?

Yes, I think that there are too many reason NOT to consider that as an option than there are to consider it. If things were different, I'd reconsider: If Julie's kids were younger, if Julie were about to lose her house, etc. Certainly I 'd be there for her. I love her VERY much.

That being said, Chris and my FIRST priority is to the kids. Keeping them in a safe, stable and loving environment. So for now, I think we'll just pray that all things will go well at Twelve Oaks and will be much better on her own after that.

***************

Things with the kids are going pretty well. Kayla and my relationship right now is just a bit..... Strained. After the cell-phone fiasco where she didn't get honor roll, I feel that I am being lied to on other things.

One of the kids will tell me something that Kayla is doing, and when I approach Kayla about it, she flat-out denies it. Of course, I can't say "well XXX told me" because I would NOT throw this person under the bus like that. The funny thing is, that these things she is lying about don't matter to me. For example: She's dating someone? FINE. No problem. Just don't lie about it and hide the relationship.

I told her last night that I knew she was dating 'someone'. She said she was not. I told her that I KNEW she was. She confronted me as to where I got my information, and I couldn't tell her, so of course she continued to deny it. I told her that if she were just TRUTHFUL we me about it, it would make NO DIFFERENCE at all. However, if I found out she was lying to me I would be forced to make her quit her job and I'd put her on restriction. She said "Why would I have to quit my job just because I lied?" I explained - again - that it wasn't the lie, it was being able to TRUST her. If I can't trust her to be honest with me and truthful with me about who she is simply dating, how could I trust her to go to and from work every day?

Then she said "See, this is why I don't tell you anything!" -- UGG -- I told her that I wasn't giving her a hard time about the dating thing, I was giving her a hard time about lying, and that I would ALWAYS and FOREVER give her a hard time about lying. And that not telling me something because of how I might act is a cop-out because I do NOT freak out about things. I DO freak out about her lying. Remember here that EVERY single relationship she has had to my knowledge has started off in "hidden" and "lying" mode. I 've no idea why. When we meet the guys, we are totally cool with them, invite them over for dinner, to swim in the pool or the hot tub. So saying that she withholds information because of how I am going to REACT is a bunch of crap. She's just used to lying. It's become her way of life.

It's frustrating. It breaks my heart every time I see her lie. Kayla thinks I'm just being a hard-ass meanie to her. It would be pretty easy for me to just look the other way - as long as she isn't getting into trouble, not care. But what she doesn't understand is that she is NEVER going to have any kind of a long-term relationship as long as she continues to lie. Would you folks reading this was to be dating or married to a person who lied ALL THE TIME? About big things, about little things, about everything? Of course not. It's a serious problem.

I know I probably need to get her help, and I've tried - but she doesn't talk to the counselor about it and she refuses to take the medicine that the psychiatrist gives her. She's darn near 17 years old... How much more can I do? I fear it's just too engrained at this point, sadly.

**************

Please continue to keep Chris, myself and the family in your prayers. It's a slow time of year for a guy who is in the remodeling business. There are good days and bad days, good weeks and bad weeks. Seems nobody wants a bathroom torn up over the holidays, even though it takes less than a week to get it done. I don't want to pray for money to just fall from the sky; I would like prayers that business would continue to come our way so that he can work hard at what he LOVES to do and earn a living.

I should probably leave you for today. I'm going to close with a song that Chris and I just found that we absolutely LOVE. The lyrics, the harmony, all of it - beautiful. Enjoy:

How You Live (turn Up The Music) -
Point Of Grace

Wake up to the sunlight
With your windows open
Don't hold in your anger or leave things unspoken
Wear your red dress
Use your good dishes
Make a big mess and make lots of wishes
Have what you want
But want what you have
And don't spend your life lookin' back

Turn up the music
Turn it up loud
Take a few chances
Let it all out
You won't regret it
Lookin' back from where you have been
Cuz it's not who you knew
And it's not what you did
It's how you live

So go to the ballgames
And go to the ballet
And go see your folks more than just on the holidays
Kiss all your children
Dance with your wife
Tell your husband you love him every night
Don't run from the truth
'Cause you can't get away
Just face it and you'll be okay

Turn up the music
Turn it up loud
Take a few chances
Let it all out
You won't regret it
Lookin' back from where you have been
'Cause it's not who you knew
And it's not what you did
It's how you live

Oh wherever you are and wherever you've been
Now is the time to begin

So give to the needy
And pray for the grieving
Even when you don't think that you can
'Cause all that you do is bound to come back to you
So think of your fellow man
Make peace with God and make peace with yourself
'Cause in the end there's nobody else

Turn up the music
Turn it up loud
Take a few chances
Let it all out
'Cause you won't regret it
Lookin' back from where you have been
'Cause it's not who you knew
And it's not what you did
It's how you live

'Cause it's not who you knew
And it's not what you did
It's how you live