One Of Those Days

Ever have one of 'those days' when you just wish you could rewind the day, go back to bed, and try the whole day over again? Yeah.... Wednesday was one of those days.

Work was fine really. It was when I got home that the wheels kinda fell off.

Chris had gone to my sister Katie's house to replace a sink. The plan was that I was going to make dinner for my friend Michelle who was going to come over so Jonathan could help her with a PowerPoint presentation she had to do.

I ran to the grocery store after work to pick up something real quick. Michelle arrived at the house before me - the house was open: front door unlocked, garage door open - nobody home. Go figure. She let herself in, obviously.

Kayte was at a friends house and was supposed to be home by dark or 7, whichever came first.

Kayla was at night school, and usually doesn't get home from that until 9 or so.

Justin and Jonathan were out at a friends houses and were to be home at 6, which they both were. Jonathan helped Michelle with the PowerPoint, while I cooked dinner. Justin played X-Box. We waited for Kayte.

At 7, Kayte still hadn't shown up. It was her night to set the table, so I set it for her. By 7:20-ish I began to worry so I checked my cell phone and there was a text message from Kayte at 6:30 telling me that her friend was going to straighten her hair and she'd be at least 2 hours (home after 8:30) so her friend's mom would drive her home.

I promptly called her and told her that 1) we DID still have a home phone and it did work, she should CALL for things like this.
2) I explained that we had been sitting here waiting for her, table set, plate set for her, awaiting her to sit at the table to join us at any moment.

We had dinner, saving Kayte a plate for later. Justin walks into the dining room, Jonathan, Michelle and I sitting AT the table, set, food on the table, glasses, everything set - and Justin says "are we sitting at the table and eating?" Uh -- no Justin, we are not! What kind of question is that?

At dinner, Jonathan tells me that he lost his tie for Chorus. The Annual State Chorus Competition is on Friday and he needs a replacement tie before then. The school didn't have any extra ties - he's pretty sure he lost his when he went to Orlando with the chorus (he'd lose his head if it were not attached). I asked when he thought we were going to go find a tie, and why he was waiting until 7:45 on Wednesday night to tell me this. He said we could do it sometime between now and Friday morning.

I explained that 'sometime between now and Friday morning' was only now and Thursday.

Thursday we are SLAMMED. Chris and I have Choir and we are gearing up for Easter services. Additionally we are singing with a brand new praise team that we've never sung with and we have rehearsal with them Thursday night. Justin has a game at 6pm Thursday night. Kayla has to work. And Jonathan needs to go shopping for a tie WHEN???

I told him TODAY would have been the only day to go shopping if we were to have gone tie shopping. Michelle looked down at the time and said "we could go now". As it happened, I had a couple things to return to the mall - so we decided to head to the mall at 7:45 or so to rush to try to find a match for a chorus tie.

On the way, I get a text message from my daughter telling me that she is at the Olive Garden with her husband. At this point, Michelle and I are in the car driving with Jonathan and we are just in a firm parental kind of mode - but in a weird frame of mind. We were just -- frantic -- as we hadn't stopped -- it was just FRANTIC all night thus far. Everything was just KID emergency after KID drama pretty much all night. Then I did something I regret terribly. I left my daughter a voice mail -- a bad voice mail. Horrible. I was kidding... But she and Gene didn't take it that way... And it sure wasn't funny. I was telling them they better not spend all their tax money and not have enough to move to Tampa. Bad BAD mom stuff. Interfering mom stuff. I'm still kicking myself... I don't know what I was thinking. Sometimes my sense of humor is perfect. Other times it gets me into horrible trouble. This is one of those times. Amanda - Gene - I'm so sorry. :o(

We get to the mall - we have to go to two stores - but we find a tie that looks almost identical to the tie he needs. Not an exact match, but close enough - I hope. Twenty three dollars. Great.

We get home. Kayte has finally made it home. She wants to talk to me. Up in her room. When they want to talk to me 'up in the room, it's never good.

We talk - she just wants to tell me that she has a new/old boyfriend. There is a guy she broke up with for not treating her right and she's decided to give him another chance. Actually, this is his third chance, but who's counting. But... She says... "he has a CAR".

She wanted to know if she could go to his house for dinner on Thursday night. I told her that wasn't a good idea - Thursday was a really bad night for us (see above)- plus I wanted to shake this guys hand and meet him under MY roof again first, before he took my innocent sweet little niece out and broke her heart again. :o)

We invited him to our house for dinner on Friday night - we already have Justin's new girlfriend coming over for dinner, so might as well have it be 'meet the new boy/girl friend' night at the Rhocchini house. But Kayte's boyfriend can't come - so it'll have to be some other time I suppose.

Michelle and I JUST sit down on the sofa when Chris walks in the door. Yeah! Now we can watch American Idol! I tell the kids it's time for bed - but Kayla has just walked in the door.

It's probably 45 degrees outside and Kayla walks in and I swear to God, she looks like she is wearing clothes that would fit a 5 year old. TINY shirt and SHORT yellow shorts. Not too short, but when you consider the weather - OMG!

Today was a big ROTC day and she had to wear a uniform all day. She didn't want to wear her uniform to night school, so she borrowed someone's clothes for night school tonight.

As we are hugging her goodnight we realize her friend - or someone in her friends family SMOKES. EWW. We have 'the talk' with Kayla about how she needs to stay away from smokers - she understands. She's really growing up, maturing so much. Night school. Working. Honor roll. Amazing!

So, she heads off to bed and FINALLY we can watch American Idol.

Michelle glances over at me and I know that look. That she almost can't believe the chaos that can happen in this house unless you are knee deep in it - living it - experiencing it. It's so difficult to explain. Even trying to type it out... It's hard to get the loudness... The phone calls that never stop... The silly questions that come up... The yelling in the house... Things breaking. She and I often talk about a year and a half ago when she was living up in Connecticut. She'd read the blog and think "No way could all that REALLY happen. She has to be making some of that up." And then she moved down here. And the witnessing began. And we've laughed about it ever since.

But you know... I also realize that the kids are happy, healthy, and growing up in a safe and healthy environment. They go to Church. We pray and thank God for our many blessings. We know that we are raising these kids to a wonderful life AFTER our house - to go on to college and live healthy adult lives of their own. They are SO in the RIGHT PLACE.

God is good. His plan is perfect. His blessings abundant. His graces abound. And I stand amazed, every day.

HIPAA Schmippa

Remember the other day in my blog when I said at work we were rolling out some big new computer system and if I messed up putting in some orders, thousands of Florida customers might go without power?

CNN Headline all afternoon: "Equipment failure cuts power in Florida."

Yeah... hope that wasn't equipment that I sold them. Or didn't sell them. OIE!

It was SO funny... the first I'd heard about it was when Chris called me and said "What did you do?????" I didn't understand until I saw the headlines and then remembered what I'd said in the blog. Too funny.

It - of course - had NOTHING to do with me. We don't yet know what caused the failures.

Anyways - it sure kept me busy at work today!

I had a follow up doctors appointment this morning. The blood pressure had not come down as much as they had hoped it would. She started me on a second pill for just a short term fix. She just said the sooner it came down the better off I'd be.

Geez, I'm not even 40 yet and I'm starting to fall apart. How sad is that?

Julie has called MULTIPLE times today. Wanting to talk about this and that... asking why it is I won't let her talk to the kids right now without my supervision on the phone.... wanting me to look up phone numbers for her.... etc.

It would amaze you how much time she consumes of my day. From phone calls to thoughts.

I called her pain management doctor today and tried to speak with him about his 'criminal' behavior of prescribing such a high dose and large quantities of medications for a person with a strong abuse history. The doctor wouldn't talk to me, citing "HIPPA" laws. The girl in the office did talk to me - for quite a long time actually.

She explained that BECAUSE of HIPAA, actually, it's made it difficult for doctors to find any information out about a patient. She said, for example, that the doctor can not find out if you've been to a hospital or another doctor - unless the patient specifically authorizes the doctor to research this information. In the 'old days'... back when I worked for doctors... when we had a 'hunch' about an abuser, we'd call other doctors or hospitals or pharmacies and ask about a patient. Now - she says - you can't do that because of HIPAA laws.

Tell me -- doesn't that SUCK? I mean.......... really????

She told me that the doctor there would no longer be prescribing Julie any prescriptions. I'm sure that means Julie will just find another doctor.

I also called the state board number to file a complaint about a physician because I still strongly feel that this doctor SHOULD have known she was an abuser.

A woman at the hospital told us that when they pulled up Julie's medical records for the past four years - it was more hospitalizations than they had ever seen anyone have in a lifetime. Had this doctor done any kind of checking with any doctor, pharmacy, hospital - ANYTHING - anyone could have told him that she was an abuser and overdosed ALL the time.

Oh, and Julie also didn't get hired at the job she was just supposed to get because they found Marijuana / Pot in her system. Now... she 'swears' that she hasn't done that in years. But... it doesn't just GET in your system. As a matter of fact, I think I remember her complaining about a 'false positive' once before when DCF was involved if I remember correctly. How does one person have several 'false positives' in a lifetime? How does Pot just SHOW UP in your system? It doesn't.

Julie is in extreme denial. She thinks she's fine. She thinks she did a silly thing. She was just gonna take a couple pills and just 'silly me, decided to stick it up her nose instead'. Silly mistake. Oh and the pot was just a lie. Oh and the Soma she's been abusing is just.... well... she needs to feel good every once in a while.... so..... it's okay. It's not a narcotic so -- it's okay.

Oh, and my favorite line -- Sunday was an "accident". Accident? She CRUSHED the pills, then SNORTED them up her nose. There was nothing accidental. Slipping down stairs is accidental. Slipping in your kitchen when it's wet is accidental. Purposely crushing pills and then snorting them up your nose for the sole purpose of getting high is NOT accidental.

To hell with what this is doing to her kids. To hell with what this is doing to her family. Oh, and lest we forget what this for sure did to that poor child who found her blue, cold and foaming at the mouth on Sunday. Because - hey - Julie's good. She's fine. She's just a little silly and just wants to feel good. Right?

Oie.

Now she wants to go to rehab. Why I'm not sure... because she really thinks she's fine. Probably because they are telling her that she has to.

Oh, and when I talked to the doctors office today, I was told that she had been trying to get more pills and stronger pills as of late. This kind of 'tipped them off' that she might have been and abuser because what she was on was already so strong and they had given her so many pills which she was going through like candy.

Here's what I've come to realize:
* Julie is an abuser
* She is an addict
* She will lie to protect her habit
* Julie cares about nobody but herself

If I could make a wish for anything I wanted in this situation... I would wish that Julie were in a home - a safe group home - where someone took care of her and gave her the meds she needed every day and kept her alive, happy and safe. Plus, Julie is happy when she's around people, so a group home would be kinda neat for her. If this couldn't happen -- I would want the kids to be far far far away from Julie. She is killing their spirit and she doesn't even realize it. If she is not able to be safely taken care of, she needs to be away from the kids - in my 'perfect world'.

But back to reality........

I asked for a lot of prayers on Monday night at bible study. Prayers for a better understanding on what to do in this situation. For God's guidance. I ask you all to please pray for the same.

Julie - Overdose - Again

I was going to sit down today and tell you another story about the kids not going to bed on time. About how I was trying so hard to get the kids to go to bed on Saturday night at a reasonable hour... but just couldn't. The almost funny nature of walking into Justin's room, after having told him at LEAST four times earlier to 'go to BED!!', and seeing him still up - at MIDNIGHT - trying on his baseball uniform just to see how good he looked in it. (His first game is Tuesday, but why it couldn't be done earlier in the day or sometime the next day, I don't know.)

It was going to be a funny blog about something like that.

Was.

Today is Sunday - Julie's normal day to come over. After her oversleeping many times recently (job interviews/orientation and even Church last Sunday) I made a point to let her know SEVERAL times this week that she REALLY needed to get up on time and get to our house this week for the sermon.

This week's sermon was on Addictions. And Julie always gets a lot out of hearing things said at our Church -- so I thought it was very important that she be there this week. I knew God would want her in that pew.

Julie called at about 8 this morning to tell me that she had a flat tire and so she wouldn't be able to make it to Church, but she would fix the flat and come by afterward. My heart sank... but - I thought - she could watch it online later. Might not have the same impact, but -- it's a flat tire, right?

In my heart, I kind of felt something wasn't quite right. She sounded tired, as if she overslept, but I didn't question her on it.

Later on in the day I learned the whole truth. And here is the whole truth.....

Julie............ sigh...........................

Just before going to get her tire fixed - Julie took TWO of her EXTREMELY strong pain pills, I think they are called Oxymorphone (remember, 5 times stronger than Oxycontin), she crushed them, then she snorted them.

Why she snorted them I have no idea - I assume someone told her she could get a quick 'high' from it. But that's an assumption. Why else would you snort something, right?

Anyways, she snorted these two pills, and after that time, she has no recollection/memory.

The 'black-out' time she went and fixed her car at Walmart and came home. She sat in a chair.

In the chair is where her roommate's little girl found her.

The little girl is young. I don't know how young, I'd guess at 5 or 6, based on what Julie's told me in the past, but it's just a guess.

Julie sat in that chair and -- well -- she stopped breathing. She turned blue and cold. Foam was coming out of her mouth. And it was in THIS CONDITION that this poor little innocent child found my messed up sister. I don't think I'll ever forgive her for that, because that will stick in that poor innocent child's mind forever.

Anyways.... when the little girl couldn't wake up Julie, she went and got her mommy (Julie's roommate). She works for Doctors, thankfully. She called 911 and the Ambulance came.

Julie was NOT breathing when they arrived. They intubated her there and revived her before she arrived at the hospital.

She is now alert at the hospital and breathing on her own.

Her main concern is what her kids think.

I'm.......................... numb. I'm angry. I'm hearing Julie say in the background (Mom has been with Julie all day and I can hear her on the cell) "I'm not going to do this again".... and I am sick and tired of hearing that. Sick and tired. I don't believe her.

I don't believe she tried to KILL herself. But I'm SICK and TIRED of her doing whatever the heck she wants to do with her pills whenever the heck she wants to.

Oh wait - there's more.

First of all..... I have not blogged to tell you that Julie has now decided to go back and see Dr. Vijapuri again. My problem with this is that Vijapuri gives her TONS of PILLS all the time. This is the EXACT reason she was on the respirator last year. Vijapuri gives Julie LOTS of pills.

Remember.... Julie's goal in changing psychiatrists???? To find one that will give her prescriptions that she wants. The last one took her OFF a lot of pills and she didn't like it. She said she wanted to find one that would put her on other stuff. Vijaprui will certainly give her what she wants. No doubt about it. He's been doing that since she was a teenager.

Secondly.... her pain management Doctor. I have blogged before about how this particular doctor was CRAZY for giving my sister, a KNOWN ABUSER a prescription as strong as this Oxymorphone. He's also prescribing Soma and Lord only knows if there are any other pills he's giving her. He's a well-known physician in the area for giving a lot of narcotics. And - Julie sure found him.

Well, when Julie overdosed and was admitted to the hospital and they pulled up her history and then saw that she was actually PRESCRIBED that particular PILL, they said that it was "CRIMINAL" for a physician to prescribe that pill to an abuser like Julie. Someone who has willfully overdosed as many times as Julie has.

It was CRIMINAL.

You can bet he'll be getting a call from me on Monday morning.

My sister Katie and I both feel at this point that Julie needs to be in a group home. Someplace where some nurse can physically HAND Julie her pills three times a day. Otherwise, she will continually overdose. Or maybe not even 'overdose' - but at no time does Julie ever take pills EXACTLY as directed. Ever.

The other day she was at my house talking about taking a pain pill for diarrhea. I wish I were kidding. I asked her if she'd like an Immodium. I mean.... wouldn't Immodium come to mind first??? Not to Julie.

Honest to goodness, her stomach kinda hurt because she had diarrhea. Stopping the diarrhead didn't really occur to her. First thought? "Oooo... my wonderful pain pills!" Her mind just doesn't THINK like ours.

And.... it's for that reason that I really think that she CAN'T do this on her own.

Not that she is doing a lot of this on purpose. By 'this' I mean that I understand that she didn't take 400 pills on purpose today with the intent to kill herself. She fully intended to snort some pills to get high, then drive over to my house and go to Church. And crushing up the pills and SNORTING them is blatantly doing something wrong on purpose.

Mom was at the hospital trying to convince Julie she was an addict. Julie is sitting there, having been on death's door hours ago, denying it.

I find it inconceivable that she could NOT believe it. I really wish she had been at today's service at church.

And the really sad thing is still that - there is noplace in Florida where a person with Julie's psychiatric mental condition can go to get help. Such a place does not exist. We've looked... you've all read about it through my blogs. It's just a sad, sad situation.

Please keep Julie in your prayers. Also continue to keep Chris and myself in your prayers. Thank you.

Hospice Called In For Doug

We received some really sad news the other day about Doug, Chris's father.

He has been in an assisted living facility for a couple years now.

Chris and I went out to see him again on Sunday. Doug is THIN. Very thin. None of the clothes we bought him fit anymore. He kept falling asleep while we were there. His birthday was on Monday and we brought him some cards and such. But it was sad seeing him in this state.

The workers there found us in his room and pulled us into the office and told us that they were calling in Hospice to evaluate him.

Today the Hospice nurse went out and they did admit him to Hospice care, diagnosing him with "failure to thrive".

Chris has spent much of the day today getting his affairs in order, per their instructions. There is so much to do - and Chris has been a ROCK. Hospice will go out with nurses twice a week to check on him... they will send a volunteer out once a week to just meet with him and get to know him. And Chris's mother has stepped in and decided to go up to the facility and give it a 'face-lift' and sit and talk with Doug about the 'old times' throughout the day.

Chris has been a rock. A true man in every sense. A great husband. A great father. A great son.

I know Chris is under a tremendous amount of pressure and stress. He was Doug's only son as Chris is an only Child. And Doug has no living family members. Chris is pretty much "it". I know that he has a lot on his plate....

I didn't help him much today I'm afraid.

I haven't been feeling all that well myself.

At work we have some big stuff going on. One of the companies we sell for is rolling out a whole new computer program which began Monday. No pressure or anything, but if Tampa Electric Company orders twenty thousand dollars in parts and I mess up putting in the parts orders because of this new system and they aren't delivered in time and thousands of customers go without electricity.... geez... can you SEE that headline in the paper? Yeah.... boo hiss!

Julie.... well.... I had a talk with Julie on Sunday and I think she is now okay with moving into an apartment. I mean... regardless of what happens to her VA money, her mortgage is going to go UP every 6 months as she has the ARM that a lot of us are stuck with right now. So - regardless of what money is going to go to the kids and how you feel about that - she wouldn't be able to afford to stay in that house much longer regardless. SO - she is looking into apartments. But she wants help in doing so. I think she should get people like Amanda to help her - people who have recently LOOKED for apartments and actually KNOW what they are doing. Instead she's relying on me for help and guidance. And - I get that... I'm her older sister. But - I've never moved to an apartment - never even looked into one really. Never hired a moving van like she's wanting to do - I've always packed my own boxed and hauled them to the U-haul myself - unpacking every single box myself. I don't know all this stuff she's asking about. I'm trying to help her I guess... but I don't understand why the movers and why the 3 bedroom apartment and all that stuff. I dunno.

She decided to not pay her mortgage at all and put all that money into savings for the move. Then she has furniture that she owes Badcock for... almost everything in her house bought on Badcock credit which, apparently, she hasn't paid for. She's going to call them and ask them to come pick some of it up. Well... I don't get that. I mean.... just because they pick it up doesn't mean they are just going to stop charging you for it. You may get partial credit, but not full credit. And the whole mortgage thing.... I don't know. It makes my head spin. Which... comes into the picture here in a minute....

Add to all of this the fact that the Durango had $1,600 of unexpected repairs this month. But, by the Grace of God the family was spared any injury as a result of this, I am ever so grateful.

The kids.... well... we still have the same old thing going on here. Things that - because I don't blog every day I forget to tell you about. We bought one of those plastic toilet scrubber things for the downstairs toilet. The other day, the wand was just........ gone. ** POOF ** Gone. Where did it go?? Who the HECK knows. Called all the kids downstairs, nobody knows. Of course, nobody did it. I mean, it's a little while plastic pole.... you put the little scrubber thingy to clean the toilet on it -- what the HECK could they do with it?? Well, finally Justin shows up with it. It was in the upstairs closet with the towels. Why??? I dunno. He put it there.

Sigh.

Then there's the downstairs office. We bought a pegboard for Chris's office stuff with a box of about 30-40 push-pins. There are now 9 left. All the rest of them - gone. ** POOF ** Of course, NOBODY knows where they are. None of the kids claim to have taken even one of them.

All of this has caused me to feel not so well as of late. Yesterday, with the new office thing I was talking about earlier, caused me to feel really not well at work. While at work, I knew I was not well.

Although I know blood pressure is the "silent killer" (16 years in a medical office) I knew I was having symptoms that were probably related to high blood pressure. But - I don't usually HAVE high blood pressure.

At lunch I came home. My face was red/flushed. My arms had been tingling all day. I had chest tightness, but not as if I had an 'elephant sitting' on it as I've so often heard before, more like an ace bandage was wrapped around my arm and upper chest. Tightly. I had some shortness of breath. Nothing horrible, just didn't breathe too deep mostly because of the ace bandage that felt like it was gripping my chest and upper left arm.

At 5pm when I got off work, I thought I should run by the Fire Department and have my blood pressure checked. I thought... if it was fine - good. If it was horrible, I knew I should probably calm my butt down a little bit.

What he said caught me off guard: "Ma'am, your blood pressure is very high. Would you like me to transport you to the hospital?"

Did he just say "hospital"?

I stared at him for a minute trying to soak it in. "No, I just want to go home." He said "Your blood pressure is 180/100 and which is very high. Do you have high blood pressure?" I replied that I didn't have high blood pressure. Normally that is. He said I needed to do something. I assured him that I would call my doctor tomorrow if it didn't improve.

Later that night at bible study I was still not feeling well. I began to have a few sharp pains (which I still have not told Chris about, sorry hun) in my head. A few more pains in my chest. One of our fellow bible study friends is a Nurse Practitioner and I was talking to her about having gone to the fire department. She asked that I come to her house after bible study, let her check my BP again, and take a cuff home with me. I agreed.

My BP at her place was I think 176/110. I thought... the 176 is better, right? But in my heart, I knew the 110 was really not good.

The next few times I checked my BP it stayed about the same -- 180/110. So - this morning Chris took me to the doctors.

Chris - as if he didn't have enough to worry about with his dad, right? Sigh.......

Well, they did and EKG and I did NOT have a heart attack. They gave me some Clonopin or Clonodine or something like that - something that made me LOOPY and tired but brought my blood pressure down to about 150/86 before we left the doctors. That was good.

They also put me on a blood pressure medicine for a short-term treatment. Short term because they do think it's anxiety related. My pulse at the office was 113. High as well. They don't think that simple stress would have caused all the symptoms.... the high pulse, the chest tightness, the nausea (I had nausea at the doctors office), the arms/fingers tingling. So I'll stay on the meds for about 3 months and see how I do.

I have to run. Dinner just arrived and -- well -- frankly - I haven't eaten since Sunday and it's now Tuesday night. Sad, huh? Yeah, part of me not feeling well has apparently been lack of appetite. But Michelle just bought Chinese food and I LOVE Chinese food, especially when I'm not feeling well.

Please........................... keep us all in your prayers. Saying all I did above, I think you all know what to pray for. Pray for Doug. Pray for Chris. Pray for me. Thank you!

Driving With God

Chris is out with Kayla picking up her new cell phone, I've got dinner in the oven, so I've got a few minutes to myself to blog for a few minutes. Thought I better grab them while I can!

Some amazing thing happened this weekend that I would be remiss for not telling you about.

We've had the Durango back for about a week now.... maybe a little less. It's been a while since we've driven it. It drives MUCH better. The steering is SO much tighter, it was unbelievable that we ever drove it around the other way. The only thing we noticed was that it... moaned... when we'd turn corners or go over bumps. Moaned might be the wrong word. It creaked. Like... it was OLD and rusty. Only it's not old and rusty, it's only a 1999. We just figured it still needed work.

And we have a checklist of things to fix next. Tacked up on the wall in the office is the "ZERO" balance due sheet (haven't yet received the title), and we are going to start saving up to fix the transmission and the ball joints. In that order actually. The transmission has been slipping for a while, and the ball joints have been bad for... well... as long as I can remember.

So, we took the Durango to Disney / Epcot / MGM studios on Saturday. We had a GREAT time there with Amanda and Gene. Originally we had planned to go over in two vehicles, because the Durango at the time we planned to go was still broken. Our friend Michelle was going to help us drive over in her car which holds 4, and we were going to take 3 in the Mustang. BUT, since the Durango was fixed, all seven of us, Michelle included, were able to drive over in the Durango.

On Sunday my mother in law came over and asked if we could run to the store to go buy a couple outfits for the cruise. I own one pair of shorts, so I agreed to go shopping. Having lost a few sizes since the kids moved in, but not happy with my current size - I find myself 'between sizes' and not willing to want to buy anything. But - the necessity of going on a cruise an needing shorts and a dress and a bathing suit I suppose is becoming a reality - so we went to the store.

On the way there, while in a parking lot, the Durango felt as if it had fallen into a hole. Literally. As if the front right wheel fell into a 4-foot hole. The car stopped dead in it's tracks, which wasn't so bad as we were in a parking lot doing about 5 mph. I got out to examine what happened, expecting to see a blown tire - and instead saw that the metal bar that holds the two front tires together had........ well......... come off. The right front wheel was just hanging there.

Apparently those ball joint things we wanted to fix 'later on' had quickly moved up on our list. As in "right now". Sadly, my first thought was of the $600 I had spent on the front end of the car less than a week ago. Heck, they even gave me an alignment. Surely that's no good now.

The tow truck driver came out and moved the Durango for us to the same repair shop that had fixed the vehicle last week. They were closed, but we'd leave it for Monday with a note. The driver seemed to take a great deal of care with the car, making sure not to do any more damage to the vehicle, which apparently was very easy to do given the predicament it was in. He had to load it onto a flat-bed truck.

However, something happened when he was unloading it off the flat-bed. Although he took a great deal of care making sure the car wasn't damaged... while the Durango was coming off the flat-bed.... it rolled as it was coming off....... and kept rolling.... and kept rolling.... off the truck.... onto the pavement.... and -- SLAM -- into the fence of the repair shop.

The whole front end of the Durango - wrecked.

Yeah... can you even believe it?

The fence of the repair shop.... has a big-ole dent and the next morning they couldn't open it. They wrecked my Durango getting it to the shop. What are the odds of that happening? I mean - really? Does that ever really happen???

Well, lucky for us the tow truck company is also an auto body shop and they will do all the repair work for us once the Durango is fixed. And -- it IS fixed. We picked it up today (Tuesday).

One thing that everyone has told us......... from the tow truck driver to the mechanic who saw and repaired the ball joints.......... we were extremely fortunate that we were not in that car going any faster when the ball joints gave way.

Had we been going any faster when it broke, the same thing would have happened, the metal brace would have fallen to the ground, and the car would have come to an abrupt stop, and the Durango would have flipped.

Then I think about the last time that we were in the Durango before my trip to the store..........

The last time was when the SEVEN of us were in it on our way home from Disney. Everyone asleep except for me - I was driving. I was doing 70 mph down I4 from Orlando. Had this have happened only MINUTES before the last time it was driven..... literally..... we could all very well be dead.

The likelihood of all seven of us surviving a crash in which the vehicle flipped, probably several times, would have been very unlikely.

No doubt in my mind God was with us.

More later... I just wanted to tell you all that story about the Durango. Goodnight!

Long Time - No Blog?

It's been a while since I've posted, and that was on purpose. I needed to NOT blog for a little while because I didn't want to say something that would be too emotional. Julie reads all my blogs now and I didn't want to say something that I would regret her reading. So I waited a good week... now I think I'm ready.

So here goes.

After my last blog, the one about the VA... I received the following message from one of Julie's friends:

I think its terrible that you r taking money away from Julie just so u can have more money for the kids that u use to pay ur bills with. That extra 800 a month was being used to pay the mortgage on a house that Ron wanted Julie to have. But because of you Julie is having to sell her house. you suck. and as far as i know ive been told that the kids r moving back in with Julie when they all turn 18 and that u refused to help them get into college if they decide to live with Julie when they turn 18. So u messing things up with the va is making Julie have to sell her house. id be ashamed of myself if i were u

First and foremost, let me say that - I don't know how much money we are talking about here. I don't really think it's $800 a month, but I don't really know. The entire time that I myself have talked to the VA, the conversation has been about 'paperwork'. When Julie talks about the VA, her angle/thought process is about 'money'. Don't get me wrong... I understand WHY she talks about it, she's afraid, and I'm not saying it's wrong. But.... I'm going to say something here, and this is where Julie's not going to like it.... nor is the friend I suppose for that matter.

From day 1 - it was wrong for Julie to have kept money that was supposed to have gone to the KIDS. Yes - indeed - Ron wanted the house for him, his wife and his children to live in. No doubt. But... it didn't happen. Things changed - he died. His wife is terribly mentally ill and not able to care for the kids. They are living with us now - permanently. Their 'home' is no longer the home that he had built. Julie is living a good 45 minutes away from her kids -- for what reason? To live in a big empty house?? I am sad that this happened..... I am very sad. But I don't feel at guilty. Guilty is just the wrong word for it.

My taking money to pay bills that Ron wanted to pay the mortgage for Julie to have was what she said, right? Well, I SERIOUSLY doubt that this girl really knew Ron at all. I however knew Ron very well. If Ron were alive, he would wish that Julie would sell her house and buy the one next door to us if she could. But she can't. What's more possible? It's more possible and more likely that she can sell the house and buy and apartment up here to be CLOSE TO HER KIDS. Julie has to drive an hour and a half every time she wants to see her kids. Ron would want her closer. And, furthermore, I'm not TAKING Julie's money. I'm not TAKING anything. The money is the KIDS money. It always has been. The VA has money ear-marked to go TO THE KIDS. Flat-out set aside for the kids. I'm not paying MY bills -- I'm paying bills for THEM. She should come try to pay a $2,300 a month mortgage payment, or $400 a month electric bill, or $150 water bill, or $175 little league fee, or $500 at the grocery store every week or countless other things that go on here. Are you KIDDING me? She has to be kidding.

Lastly about the kids moving in with Julie when they turn 18. I've had talks with Julie about this. I have talked with Julie at length about this and made my feelings on the matter very clear. I have ALWAYS said that my #1 priority has always been that JULIE needs to take care of JULIE first. She needs to get HERSELF under control FIRST. The worst thing in the WORLD she could do is get her kids under her roof and into her chaos while she is still not in control of her life. She needs to have a good year or so where she is not in the hospital and not hurting herself. In the meantime... the kids have PLENTY to do. They have high school to finish. They have college to think about. They are going to be BUSY. She needs to encourage them to stick with college and not come into her home. She knows that he life is destructive and not the best option for them. You, as her friend, should applaud Julie for recognizing that (as she has) and putting the kids interest above her own.

Yet I found myself crying over this comment. Why? Because I am Julie's sister and this whole situation tears me up. She's my sister first. The kids are my nieces and nephews second. And God placed them in my care, thinking I'd know what to do. But it's not easy. There are TONS of emotions and feelings. If this were 'some woman' whos kids I were raising that was not my sister, it'd be pretty black and white. But it's not. It's my sister. My flesh and blood. The one who used to pick my scabs when I was little. Who set my bedroom on fire. Who'd scratch my back all night long if I begged her to.

So.... after crying about this blog comment for a whole day or two.... quite literally. Then thinking about it for a good week... I just want to tell this blog reader that - I know you have the best of intentions for Julie. But trust me when I tell you that you don't know all sides.

You know.... I think about the fact that Julie might be losing about $600 a month or so (I think that's closer to the amount, but then again, I'm not sure) and I wonder.... why can't she work just a little to make this up? I mean.... really? She'd have to work, what part time for $7 bucks an hour. She wouldn't even have to work a full time job.

I met Chris when I was probably 16 years old. Pregnant at 17, had Amanda at 18 and I have worked no less than 40 hours a week, every single week, since then. I have worked no less than one job, and at times 2 jobs and even once or twice 3 jobs in order to make ends meet. We did what we had to do to pay the bills. I vacuumed rugs on the side - cleaned houses - babysat for rich folks - worked at convenience stores - did many odd jobs here and there. I have never taken more than a weeks vacation at a time, and never more than 2 weeks off in a year. Ever.

Yet, if you added it all up, I'll bet you that one year's worth of my work experience would equal Julie's lifetime experience. She just.... hasn't worked all that much - because she hasn't really had to. Or wanted to.

It's funny - because at times I still find myself feeling sad for her. I suppose that's the sister in me. But then I get really angry because I realize that I'm over here busting my ASS working all ding-dang day working hard and she's over there doing NOTHING but popping pills and chatting online. Then I remember... yeah... she really needs to do something like get a job.

But then I remember that she's not going to be able to keep the job for very long. I mean - she will go back into the hospital soon enough. She will get depressed, suicidal, overdose, cut herself, or something... and she'll go back into the hospital and she'll lose the job.

I've talked to Julie about getting onto Disability. There are two kinds of Disability in Florida:
* Low income disability (which because of the VA money - even without the kids money, she doesn't qualify for)
* Social Security Disability

Now, for the SS disability, this one would be perfect - perfect in that it doesn't matter how much money you make, you qualify based on the fact that you have worked before and if you qualify you can collect. However, the only problem is, your check amount is based in 'credits' which you get based on work history. The more you work, the more money you make, the more SS you can potentially collect. For example, I just received something from the SS office saying if I were to become disabled today, I could receive benefits in the amount of about $1,500 a month. Julie, because of her very little work history, would probably qualify for a very small amount.

However, you never know till you apply! And -- when I talked to Julie about this she said... "it's probably not much... like what $200 or $400 a month? What am I gonna do with that?" Well, heck, I dunno? Pay a bill with it? Why turn down money???

Anyways, after a day of gut wrenching crying at my office over the email above telling me what a horrible person I was and that I was practically ripping the home out of my sister's hands, I sent it to my pastor at Church and asked for advice. I explained everything. The whole thing. He told me that there was only one thing to do.... I needed to let the VA do their thing, I needed to let the kids get the money, if that was what the VA decided to do, and that Julie would need to figure out her own thing if happened. I needed to stop enabling her. It was the legal thing to do, and it was the moral thing to do. Plain and simple.

So -- I did give the VA the paperwork. I met with them and the meeting went pretty well. They told me that everything would go very slow. Very, very very slow. Funny. The main point of our meeting was to discuss the kids college stuff. He told me some very interesting things....

He told me that the biggest mistake kids and parents make is that they go into their first meeting with the VA rep and tell them what they want to accomplish, and they set low expectations. They say, "I want a 4-year degree in criminal justice" for example. But then, after they are in college, they realize they LOVE it and they want to go for a Masters or a PHD. Well, once that bar is initially set, there is no moving it higher. It's as high as it'll go. You can walk into your first meeting and tell him you want a masters and change your mind later and settle for a 4 year degree with no problem, but you can't go the other way. Very good information to keep in mind!

Speaking of colleges............. I have AWESOME NEWS!!!!!!!!!!

Kayla is doing so well in school that she has been approved to take night classes 2 nights a week and hopefully, if all goes well, she will graduate next year with the class of 2009!

Can you even BELIEVE IT???

I'm utterly amazed at this girl. She is doing so well - I'm so proud of her. :o)

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One last thing and then I'm out of here because it's super late.

Keep Julie in your prayers. She's starting a new job. And I'm -- worried. Happy, very happy for her - but at the same time worried.

Yesterday she overdosed on some pills again. Not 'gonna kill myself' overdose. But just 'gonna take lots and lots of pills because I just feel like swallowing lots of pills today for the fun of doing it for not apparent reason, I suppose' kind of thing. All I know is the rescue squad was at her house twice yesterday but she convinced them she was fine.

She lied.

We all knew she had taken too many pills. We always know. Julie thinks she's fooling people, but -- fools nobody. Even the kids knew. It's really sad. She tries to say she's 'tired'... but... you can tell.

I don't know where she's getting the prescriptions from. I'm not sure if this is something I want to dive into right now - finding out who's prescribing her excessive pills. I know she's seeing a pain management doctor who gives massive medications. She's on a new pain medicine that is FIVE TIMES stronger than Oxycontin. That's tremendously strong. I can't even fathom it. She doesn't even have a slipped disc or anything, I can't even imagine why he'd put her on something so strong....

Judging from her slurred speech when I talked to her, I'd say she was on Soma or Trazadone. Probably Soma, it's easier to get, and she likes it. It's very easy to abuse.

But she's starting a new job so -- let's hope this new job will give her something to keep 'on track' for! So, please keep her in your prayers. Thanks.

Luke 12:22-26
Then Jesus said to his disciples: "Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?