Julie's Therapist

I received a phone call last night from Julie's therapist, Dr. Vergeese. I think by now we all know how I feel about Dr. Vergeese. He's been treating her for over 15 years and Julie is still - well - where she is.

When he first called, he wanted me to make an appointment to come see him at his office. After my last two visits, I was unwilling to waste any more time doing that. So this time when he wanted to see me, I told him that he could call me anytime and we could discuss it on the phone.

He called and told me that Julie was putting intense pressure on him to write a letter. He asked me how I thought Julie was doing. I told him that I was impressed with how well she was doing... that she hadn't done drugs or abused her prescriptions in many months, that she had a job and was doing well with it, and that overall she just seemed to be doing much better. When he asked for my areas of concern, I told him that I only really had two: one being that she was still having the sex addict problems and I told him about the 23-year old guy moving in w/ her from out of state that she didn't know (except from talking to him on the Internet) and two being that she was doing what she was TOLD to do, not because she understands what she did was wrong. I felt as if she didn't understand WHY she was doing it that way... and that if she was just doing it because someone told her to with no real moral compass, that when left on her own, she might not not do very well.

He told me that he had the same concerns. Well, almost the same concerns that is. He knew she was a sex addict and that she had been continuing down that road unchecked by anyone at DCF. He did NOT know about the guy moving in with her. (oops) He was pretty upset about this and told me that - before the kids moved back home, this issue WOULD be addressed. The other thing he was concerned about was that Julie was (his words) extremely 'superficial' right now. He went on to explain that, on the surface she was doing much better. But he was still deeply concerned as she still has no "values, morals and ethics". We went on to discuss whether or not this could be learned and he stated that he had hope that she could learn. He felt that, if she could learn to stop the drugs, self medicating and self mutilation, then maybe she could learn morals, ethics and value. Along with the 'surface' discussion, he talked about how she WAS doing what she needed to do, but only because someone TOLD her to do it.

He told me that he did not think Julie should get the kids back yet, as he still had a lot of work to do with her before he felt comfortable with that. He agreed that the kids were 'safe' right now and that made it easier to work with Julie on just Julie. I can totally and completely understand this.... if I had something that I myself needed to work on about myself, it would be difficult, if not impossible, to do it while the kids were here. They require a LOT of supervision, time, love, time, support and time. Did I mention time? Yeah.....

He wants to have a meeting with myself and Natalia (the new DCF worker). I told him that I would call her and ask her about it, but not to expect it anytime soon. (I already have 2 calls out to her and haven't heard from her yet) He said he wants to know what DCF was thinking and what their plan of action was, and I told him that they wouldn't know that yet - that they were waiting for Julie to get some other mental exam done and then they would decide. He doesn't want to wait. He said that Julie keeps pushing him to write some letter (he actually said this multiple times throughout the conversation) stating that she was all better now and should get her kids back, and that, he just couldn't do it. I think he wants a meeting in person to say this as he doesn't want to put anything on paper. He's always been that way... as if he doesn't want to hurt Julie's feelings.

My concern is that - Julie knows I talked to him. Heck, she is the one who set it all up. What if she asks me what we talked about? Should I tell her that I told him about her 23-year old guy? I've definitely gotten the feeling that Vergeese says one thing to her face but has a different opinion when she's not right there. If that's so... then maybe Julie is really expecting him to write a letter saying that she should get her kids back soon. I think my plan of action for now is to do nothing. I put another call out to Natalia... and I'm just going to talk to her about my list of things I need to go over with her, including Vergeese. If Julie asks... I'll be non-specific. We'll see if that works.

As to the visit itself (I know you are chomping at the bits to know how it went) - it was okay. She came over and brought TONS of Popeye's food. The kids then mentioned going to Coldstone, and Julie had never been, so we took her there for dessert. Meanwhile, Chris and Jonathan had dinner with Chris's mom Evelyn who just had a birthday. Amanda and Gene didn't come home till much later - so for the actual 'dinner' there were only 5 of us. Only 5... that's funny. The only bad part about dinner was watching Julie eat. Sigh... I know this isn't nice.... but it's really gross to watch her eat. Food falls out of her mouth, sauce or other food just stuck all over her face and mouth. I talked to her about her weight, and she said that she's actually lost weight, which I find really hard to believe. But ANYways... everything about dinner went pretty good all in all.

At the visit Julie made mention several times to the kids about their rooms.. how much they had been cleaned out for them (cleaning lady was there cleaning while she was with us) and how great it was going to be when they got back home. I was okay with this, but at several points during her visit, I did wonder where she got so MUCH money. She spent over $60 on dinner, her nails again looked great, new clothes, she talked about her house-keeper she had at the house, and she had plenty of cash in her wallet when we went out for ice cream. I know she's working... but at $7.50 an hour, how much extra cash could she have? And all of us family know that this time of the month... end of the month... she is usually really broke. Yeah... and a lot of that is sister jealousy... I'd love to have my nails done.... pedicure.... new clothes... and pay for a house-keeper. Yeah... that would be awesome. So some jealousy there, but I think I've earned the right to be a little jealous over this. :o)

Kayla got another grade uploaded today. The high schoolers have their grades posted online which is GREAT... although not all the teachers have uploaded yet. Kayla - so far - has two subjects posted... one she has an F and one she has a D. SO.... she's going to be on restriction until this comes up! It's sad because she is not allowed on the computers at home, so she's either watching TV with us, out playing basketball, or in her room drawing. And most ALL of this she can do with a phone plastered to her ear. I think we are going to have to take the phone away... which I know is going to kill her. But she HAS to bring her grades up.

I better run... must finish working so I can get home and enjoy our Anniversary. We're just going to choir tonight. I haven't stopped to get Chris a card yet... and not sure if I should. In the past... Chris and I had had some very financially difficult times. It was during those time we created the card exchanging tradition. Who wants to pay $4.00 for a CARD?? So... we'd go to a store together, find the PERFECT card for one another, and then exchange them. We'd read them right there in the store. Do our little "awwwww's". Kiss. Say how perfect the card was. Then put it back on the shelf and leave. LOL Knowing the kids are with us and how strapped we are, I figured it was a card exchanging kind of year. Oh, and, Chris - if you are reading this.... "I LOVE YOU HONEY!" This one is for you.....

This Day I Married My Best Friend
This day I married my best friend...
the one I laugh with as we share life's wondrous zest,
as we find new enjoyments and experience all that's best....
the one I live for because the world seems brighter
as our happy times are better and our burdens feel much lighter....
the one I love with every fiber of my soul.
We used to feel vaguely incomplete, now together we are whole.

Kids and Julie

It occurred to me last night a reason why God may have led me back to Toast of Tampa. With the hustle and bustle of every-day happenings now that the kids are back in school... it's nice to have a few hours on Tuesday night when it's just me.

Yesterday was our Kayla day. We found out that Kayla is failing one of her classes. She promises to 'bring it up' but - we tell all the kids, all the time - you shouldn't HAVE to bring anything UP... you should not let the grade go down to begin with. UGG

Yesterday morning between 6 and 6:30 she had THREE telephone calls from kids on our home phone. Guess who for? Yepper, Kayla. Yeah, loving waking up to that. Rrrrrrrright. She told me that she didn't call them (which I was certain was not true because I went into her room about 5:30 and saw her laying in bed WITH the phone. I told her at that time NOT to call anyone - cell phone or not - that early in the morning, that it was rude. Of course, she said she didn't call them... so I picked up the phone and called these three folks and talked to them, telling them NEVER to call my house that early in the morning. Of course, they all said they were returning Kayla's phone call. Yepper... caught in yet another lie.

Then I get home after work last night and one of Kayla's friend's mom calls.... Kayla lost her daughter's earrings and they were expensive. (In the neighborhood of $250-$300). In addition, her daughter left her expensive sneakers (known as "Air Force") over our house and Kayla let some OTHER girl borrow them. The mom holds me responsible. I guess I would too if the shoe were on the other foot. So Kayla looks all night for these earrings and finally finds them. I suppose she's getting the shoes back today as well.

So... I'm talking to Julie on my way into chorus and I tell her about Kayla. She tells me...... oh lordy this just irks me to think about, much less type it out..... she tells me "ya know, when Kayla lived with me I didn't let her do those things". OKAY NOW. Yeah, she didn't let her borrow earrings... she just let her smoke blunts, have sex, go wherever, eat everywhere but home, and hang out with gang members. Yeah... but heck no, Julie was a good mom and didn't let her borrow things from friends. Is she KIDDING ME? Being the good-spirited person that I am, I immediately dropped the subject and moved on.

Julie then tells me that she has something to tell me... because she doesn't want to lie to me. She has this guy - 23 years old and from out of state that she knows only from meeting him on the internet - moving in with her to be her new boyfriend. Now, first of all you have to realize that she dates a LOT of men. As I've mentioned before, she has the sex addict problem and therefore has no problem (even at her weight) getting men/sex. It's one of the "top 3" things the kids listed as wanting changed before they moved back home. However, the State has no plans to address the problem. N-E ways.... this guy is moving in with her... she says "I didn't want him to, but he talked me into it". Well, ain't that a sign of problems to come! Men moving in with Julie is not unusual... it happens all the time. He'll last a month - maybe a short bit more or less - then she'll get tired of him and kick him out. In the past she's had problems with this as most of the men don't have jobs or money or half a brain -- and as you and I know... kicking someone out of your house once they've moved in is not always an easy thing to do. As soon as you've allowed them to move in, regardless of whether they are paying or not paying, they have rights under the law. So yeah, look for problems to come with this.

I also called yesterday and scheduled Kayla for a Psychiatrist appointment. It's mid-October, but it's all they had. Lovely. They asked me if I wanted her evaluated by their doc or tested somewhere else. I didn't know how to answer that... I didn't know that they actually TESTED for disorders such as bipolar or ADD. I just scheduled her for the evaluation, but I think I am going to call and get information on testing. Maybe the Tricare can help me with finding someone who tests. Oh, and the Psyc. doctor's office folks were awesome. When I gave them the last name they knew who I was (apparently lots of state workers have been requesting Justin's records from when he had the one exam at the same office). The woman tells me... "Ma'am, I just want you to know that I know about your case and what you are doing for those kids and I think it's awesome of you for doing all that you are doing." Wow... did NOT expect to hear that, I almost cried right there and then.

When I told Julie about Kayla's appointment, she declares that she is positive that Kayla does NOT have anything wrong with her. "She can't be bipolar because she loves herself too much" Julie tells me. She tells me that everyone who is bipolar does not like themselves and has a very low self esteem. I was concerned because Julie does know a LOT about being bipolar. In addition to just having it herself, she hangs out in some bipolar chat-room all the time. I think she's even a moderator. So... surely she knows what she is talking about. So I looked it up online and Julie was incorrect, well incorrect for a manic episode which Kayla is in most of the time. The things online that met with Kayla's moods/behavior: happy, expansive, optimistic mood (feeling “high,” feeling better than ever), impaired judgment; unpredictable, excessive involvement in pleasurable or high risk activities, high physical and mental energy; excited; a feeling of high intelligence and creativity, extremely talkative, inflated self-importance, extremely sociable, impulsive . Now... maybe all of her symptoms are just symptoms of a extremely happy kid who just makes very poor decisions at times. But the risk factor of one of the kids being bipolar is so high because their mom has it and I think it's a good idea to rule it out.

I called the new case worker, Natalia, yesterday. She's not yet returned my call... hopefully she will today without me having to call her multiple times. I need to go over a few things with her... to tell her about Kayla's therapist and now appt with the psychiatrist. Tell her about Julie's visit and that she has another one tonight (God help me). Ask her about the next court date and if it's open or not. I need to ask about Amanda having a background check and being fingerprinted. And of course I want to ask if she's really okay with having a 23-year olf man whom Julie has never before met move in with her. Lots of stuff to talk about - but OH the slow moving wheels of the state government!

Chris just called and got another side job - from a blog reader and church friend, Peggy! Thank you so much! Every little bit helps... and it's great so see him start to get some work on his own.

Progress reports for all the kids are due out next week. Of all the kids, I'd ask you to pray the most for Jonathan. He usually get a lot of zeros... and gets into a LOT of trouble for it. This year he asked us to just let him try it on his own at first to 'prove to us' that he could do it on his own. All A's and B's is what we are hoping for. We're not going to cry too much over C's, but D's and F's - for all kids - are punishment-worthy.

I don't know if everyone that reads the blog knows it or not, but when we talk about Jonathan and school or social things, it's important to know that he has a condition called "Asperger Syndrome", which is a mild form of Autism. Here is some information on Asperger Syndrome: Persons with AS show marked deficiencies in social skills, have difficulties with transitions or changes and prefer sameness. They often have obsessive routines and may be preoccupied with a particular subject of interest. They have a great deal of difficulty reading body language and very often the individual with AS has difficulty determining proper body space. Often overly sensitive to sounds, tastes, smells, and sights, the person with AS may prefer soft clothing, certain foods, and be bothered by sounds or lights no one else seems to hear or see. It's important to remember that the person with AS perceives the world very differently. Therefore, many behaviors that seem odd or unusual are due to those neurological differences and not the result of intentional rudeness or bad behavior, and most certainly not the result of "improper parenting". Many individuals exhibit exceptional skill or talent in a specific area. Because of their high degree of functionality and their naiveté, those with AS are often viewed as eccentric or odd and can easily become victims of teasing and bullying. While language development seems, on the surface, normal, vocabularies may be extraordinarily rich and some children sound like "little professors." However, persons with AS can be extremely literal and have difficulty using language in a social context.

So you see... it's difficult to parent sometimes because there ARE some things which he should be able to control (Last year one progress report in one class had ELEVEN zeros) -- yet other things he can't control (as described above). Sometimes we forget that he even has the problem. It was easier when he had monthly check-ups with his doctor for it when we lived down south - we'd go in for the appointment and talk about his problems and he'd tell us, 'ah yes, classic symptom of asperger syndrome'... and talk to Jonathan about how to better focus to overcome the obstacle. Now he just goes to 3-month medication checks with a family doctor. It's less expensive and far easier on us, but again, we miss out on seeing the doc who knows all about AS.

Wish me luck tonight - Julie has her visit. She's supposed to be bringing over Church's Chicken and I'll just provide the sides. Lets hope that this will make things run a little smoother. I know it'll still be chaotic - it seems to follow Julie - but hopefully I won't have to work as hard. I believe she is bringing something that she wants me to make for dessert. I am not sure how to react to that, partly because I've done really good losing these 35 lbs and Julie (obviously) could care less about the weight she's gaining - and partly because I don't want to be forced to cook anything.

Please pray for all of us... the kids, Chris, myself, and our extended family who support us every day. I realize that every day is a life-altering day for Julie's kids while they are with us - and I realize that doing what we do without your prayers and support would be impossible. You lift us every day with each thought and prayer. God has put it in my heart to put my daily happenings out on the blog to reach out to other people for support. Please 'comment' when you can (link on the bottom right of each post), it means a lot knowing that you are out there thinking of us and praying for us.

Someday, from your mansion in heaven, you will look back on this day and smile, because you will realize that your light and momentary troubles were achieving for you an eternal glory that far outweighs them all in comparison. (2 Corinthians 4:17-18)

Wonderment, Cabs and Shrinks, Oh My!

Chris and I are back from a wonderful Anniversary get-away. We left late on Friday and arrived at the condo on St. Pete beach just before sunset. The condo belongs to my boss who uses is when they can and then rents it out much of the rest of the time to help it 'pay for itself'. Chris and I have stayed at condos before, but apparently never one privately owned and run. There was a picture frame on the wall with a picture of "The Pero Family" (David, Donna and their two kids) with a welcome to their 'home away from home' note on it. On the side table there was a notebook full of things to do and restaurants to eat at while there (along with their recommendations of good and bad places). The room was set up so that we could have slept 6 as they were not sure if we were bringing the kids or not - which was very thoughtful of them to do. They also had a journal in the room that had personal notes from all prior guests who have stayed in the room... detailing what a great time they had, any suggestions they had, what they did that was fun or not so fun. It's hard to explain, but it was just WAY more personal and thoughtful than the other condos we've rented over the years.

It rained much of the time we were there, but we didn't mind. We spent most of our time in the room anyways. **evil grin** At one point Donna Pero called to ask me how it was going and I noted that "a weekend at the beach when it's raining is better than weekend at home with all five kids." For SURE! LOL

I won't blog about much that happened over the weekend as this IS a PG-13 blog. **giggles** But we did have a great time. Probably the biggest disappointment of the weekend was dinner at Brewmasters. We drove all the way there for what we hoped was great steaks. Although the steaks were pretty good, everything else was horrible. (Service, drinks, brownish salad and everything served on plastic plates). I should add here however that the COMPANY was incredible. Love you Chris. There was also one time on Friday night when I honestly thought I was having a heart attack. (Talk about breaking the mood!) Chris and I were...... **ahem** swimming.... in the ocean at dark. I began to experience chest pains. Not pain as much as tightness.... or heaviness. If you place your hand over your heart as if saying the 'Pledge' then bring it up about 2 inches... right there.... and then down the entire arm and through to the back. Add to that shortness of breath and a feeling as if I were in a fuzz. I kept thinking... I can't let ambulance drivers see me in my bathing suit! Then thinking.... if this is just anxiety I'm going to have wasted a night of our anniversary! I made it up to the room (with the help of Chris) and took a shower... still having pain and thinking... I DEFINATELY can't let the paramedics find me like THIS! LOL But after about an hour or so it subsided. I don't think it was muscular, but I do think it was some kind of panic attack... or something having to do with my heart. Boy... this is a downer... enough about me!

While we were gone a few things happened. Justin's baseball tryouts were postponed (he'll try out this afternoon). Our friend who was supposed to bring dinner over on Saturday night... forgot. (But it was okay, their grandma had just sent them money so they ordered pizza) Their Grandma Gwen had also sent Justin a belated birthday present - an X-Box game. Unfortunately it was for X-Box 360 (which they don't have), so the boys decided on Saturday to go to Target and exchange the game. Amanda had to work that afternoon, so she drove them up to Target with the understanding that they would walk home. I don't know why, but I feel differently about Jono and Justin walking home than I do the girls. The girls have done that more I guess... they used to walk everywhere when they lived at home. Plus Kayla is 15 and Jono is only 13. ANYways... they get to Target and decide that their money would go much further if they crossed the street (DALE MABRY) to go to GameStop where they sell games (new and used) at a discount. Dale Mabry only has 8 lanes of traffic........... **heart skips a beat** They go over there and get 4 games for the price of whatever game Gwen had bought for them. These boys were HAPPY, let me tell ya. They then decide to walk back... only they start walking in the WRONG direction. (Again, these boys are not used to walking like the girls are). They see a cab parked in a parking lot (Yellow Cab van) and they ask if he can take them home. They note that they have money (about $20 left over) and the cabbie tells them 'it's free for you today'. (He must have felt bad for these young boys) Of course the boys don't know how to tell him exactly to get to the house, they ended up going in the wrong direction (again, the boys were turned around thinking which direction was home), but the cabbie ended up finding the house and dropped them off, free of Charge. Yes, Chris and I had a FIT over the whole thing. Sigh.........

Oh, I didn't tell you about the girls Therapy appointments on Friday. Kayte did fine... Kayla...... the therapist wants her to see a Psychiatrist. She thinks Kayla may have A.D.D. or even be Bipolar. I have long felt that Kayla has -- SOMETHING -- just not sure what. Kayla was very upset to hear this, but I tried to play on the benefits of it. Kayla wants so badly to be good... and I told her, "what if you could just take a pill, and you would ALWAYS be good??" Course I also explained to her about how being bipolar or any other disorder is just that - a disorder - which meant there is treatment - which means, she could be BETTER. She liked that idea. Julie and I were talking about it earlier. I was reminded of the one time that Julie told me that Kayla kept sneaking out at night. (Mind you, Ron was alive and so she had to have been younger than 12 at the time) Ron and Julie got so frustrated with trying to keep her in the room that they ended up putting a blanket over the window. Kayla continued to leave, so they put somewhere in the neighborhood of 60-70 nails in the blanket around the window to keep her in. Well... that's just NOT normal. You shouldn't HAVE to do that to keep your kid in the house. And again... it wasn't that Kayla was just being some horrible teenager... she just kept doing it.

Kayte and I also discussed it at length. Kayte agrees that SOMETHING is not quite right with Kayla. She told me about a hairspray issue the other day. (I know - seems small - but read on and you'll see the issue behind the hairspray) Julie has bought each girl their own hairspray so that Kayla doesn't use it all. (Kayla uses GOBS AND GOBS of everything in her hair) Kayla is up getting ready for school, and starts to spray her hair. Katie wakes up, and sees Kayla using HER hairspray. She shouts "KAYLA!" and Kayla drops the hairspray onto the ground, quickly picks up HER hairspray off the dresser, sprays a little bit more (as if to prove it was THAT hairspray she were using the whole time) and then turns to Kayte and says "yes". Kayte tries to confront her, but Kayla flat-out refuses to admit she just used the hairspray. She even tried to be slick and bend down to do something and at the same time put the cap on Kayte's spray. Kayte kept saying "I just SAW you" but Kayla just tells lie after lie. This is the kind of lie that I have had the same kind of problem with. You look right at her KNOWING the truth, but she refuses to admit it. Very frustrating.

So... add to my list of 'things to do' I'll add making Kayla an appt at at Psychiatrist's office. Fun fun.

Speaking of the sarcastic 'fun'.... Julie is coming over for her weekly visit this Wednesday. I'm just sick about it... I really hope it goes better this time, because if it doesn't - I'm going to have to tell her she can come at times OTHER than for food. This time, she's bringing chicken from Church's or Popeye's. So... I'm hoping it'll be better and we can continue visits as they are right now.

This week my days are - once again - jam packed. Tonight Justin has baseball tryouts. I hope to get home and be able to cook a nice family dinner tonight though. Haven't been grocery shopping in a couple of weeks, but hope I've got something I can make with the chicken I'm defrosting. Tuesday night is Toast of Tampa rehearsal and probably the 2nd day of tryouts for Justin. Wednesday is Julie's night to come over, so will be busy then. Thursday night is both our actual anniversary night AND Choir practice. I was hoping to go out to dinner - just Chris and I - after rehearsal, but I think we're pretty much 'spent' after this weekend. But it'll still be nice singing on our Anniversary - as much as we both love music... it's rather fitting that we spend the night singing. Friday night Jonathan is going to Innisbrook for 'performers night around the pool' where all of the 'talent' that they have hired for Labor Day Jamboree (that big barbershop festival I've talked about before) gathers around the pool to sing. We'll be home LATE on Friday night after that. Then Saturday Chris and I have a fantasy football draft at noon-ish, and then will head right over to Innisbrook again as Jonathan is performing on Saturday night's show. Sunday is Church - and with kids now involved in Jr and Sr high, we're hopping on Sundays! Then LABOR DAY... the day of rest! And I think that's exactly what I'll do.

We may go to visit Ron's grave on Monday... not sure yet. His mom, Gwen, tells me that Ron is not IN the cemetery so we really don't need to go there. That we can pray and honor him from home and it would be the same. And - she's right. But I can't think of anything else to do for the kids. Today is the day for them -- their dad died 2 years ago today. I want them to know that it's a big deal for me and that I am here for them. Visiting the grave is doing something - and any time you are doing something it feels better than doing nothing. Any thoughts you may have on this is greatly appreciated.

Oh lordy.... I just checked in on my friends Chris, Drew and Christal. Chris posted the most amazing and inspiring words in her journal. It's well worth quoting....

The blessings in our lives are OVERFLOWING!! They always have been, even when things weren't good. We still have SO much more than some people have in their lives. Think about it... your job, your house, your kids, freedom to worship, and the list goes on and on. No matter what, God has ALWAYS provided for us. There are things that Satan would LIKE for you to believe, but I know the truth. God is merciful, and we might not understand all that he is doing in our lives... but we must trust the promises He gave us. He never promised us a perfect life... only His perfect love. And all things happen in HIS timing... not our own. I have comfort in knowing that GOD is in control and He’s already there and has it all worked out... no matter the outcome. This journey Christal has had is NOT for nothing. I know there are people that are being touched by her story that we have NO idea of... I know people have changed BECAUSE of her. Look at her own family. Because of her story, her step-daddy has ensured that he’ll see her again one day by accepting Jesus in his heart. It just doesn’t GET any better than THAT my friends. If you don’t think you need Jesus in your life... then think AGAIN. We’re alone in this world, and you just CAN NOT do it without Jesus. He KNOWS about your troubles and your pain, and He wants you to bring those troubles to Him. Most of all, He wants to have a relationship with you... He loves you more than anyone in the entire WORLD. Isn’t that SO COOL??? He created you perfectly... and He loves.... you. Like there was no one else in the world to love. Lets not forget that God gave His son to us... to die on the cross. How many of you would give us YOUR child so that the rest of the world could have eternal life?

Yes - very very well put. It reminds me that - God knows exactly what he's doing. I may feel busy, overwhelmed, heck even frantic at times. But God is not giving me a single thing that He doesn't feel that I can't handle. These kids have come so very far in such a short period of time. They are a true JOY to have around the house... and when they are gone, I will miss them terribly. But again, I will try to keep in mind at that point in time that - it is God's plan. Remembering how He paved the way back in October/November for us... the change in jobs... the unemployment.... the extra room in the house... the 'angel' who provided the Christmas that there was NO way we could have provided them alone last year. Yes indeed... God knew exactly what he was doing. It's so easy to look back and marvel at His perfect plan, so clearly seen. I have been the most unworthy of unworthiest people out there... and God has blessed me over and over again. Thank you Lord.

Open House and Da Rat!

The High Schoolers had an open house last night that was.... busy... to say the least. They set it up on a bell schedule: you start in 1st period, bell rings, the teacher has 5 minutes to tell you about their class, what they teach, give you their contact information, and ask if you have any questions for them - bell rings and you have 6 minutes to move to the 2nd period class where you again have 5 minutes. This continues until you've visited all 7 classes. What DIDN'T work about that is that Kayla and Justin are in the SAME grade... so there was no way possible that I could visit both sets of teachers in that 5 minutes. It was horrible... most of the teachers didn't know what was going on or how long they had. But it was nice to meet their teachers. We get done about 9pm and - of course - the kids are hungry. Uggg.... a quick 'fend for yourself w/ leftovers at home' dinner and they were off to bed.

The plan tonight was supposed to be that Kayla and Justin were going from school to their friend Jessica's house. I've already talked to Jessica's mom... she's going to bring them to the Football game tonight, then she'll drive them home. (At that point Chris and I should be worry-free on St. Pete beach) However, I woke up this morning and realized that -- it won't work! Kayla and Kayte have a doctor's appointment tonight at their therapist's office. No biggie, right? I have all the teacher's contact information, I'll email, ask Kayla to call, and explain to her why she has to come home after school. How come things are never that simple?

I call Jessica's mom and explain to her about why Kayla can't come over after school. She's in a panic and explains why. Jessica is bi-polar and the doctors are changing/adjusting her medications right now... so she's a little emotional and unbalanced to begin with. Add to that the fact that this morning before school her boyfriend broke up with her. Her mom is afraid that Jessica is going to go off the deep end. Grrrrrrrrrrreat. Jessica's mom tells me that she fears that her daughter might do something if left alone today. No pressure or anything... I mean... my change in plans could only give a little push to this poor unstable teen. UGG. But I think I've worked it out. The plan is now: Kayla and Jessica to come to OUR house after school, I'll drive them to the Doctor's appt this afternoon, (Jessica can sit with me while we wait for Kayla to get done) - then I'll drive them to Jessica's house where her mom will take them to the game then home.

I've no idea when I'm going to be able to pack for this weekend. I guess I'll just grab some clothes and a bathing suit and head out tonight. It's funny... in my chorus I've been trying to explain to them about how I have NO time to go shopping. We are supposed to all go out and get a dress that resembles the 1912-ish Music Man dresses for our costume. They are cheap... and you can pick something up at a consignment shop and have it altered to make it work for the costume... so I'm told. But trying to explain to them how little "me" time I have.... well.... lets go over this week, shall we:

Monday was Julie's visit. I got home after 5 and never stopped cooking / entertaining until after 10 that night. Tuesday night I had chorus rehearsal, got home, changed, and out the door I went until rehearsal was over at 10pm. Wednesday... what did I do on Wednesday? I got home after 5, and was exhausted. I gave Amanda and Kayla my bank card to run to the store and grab some needed groceries, they picked up Chinese for dinner, and we got everything done by about 9pm. (Homework checked, review of assignments, eating, cleaning, etc) Thursday night we had the open house. I got off work at 5, had to be at the school by 5:30. We didn't get home until after 9pm. Friday (tonight) we have doctors appointments at 5pm and 6pm for Kayla and Kayte. Then drive the High Schoolers over to someone to take them to their football game, and Kayte over to someones place who is taking her to the middle-school football game tonight.

So yeah - fitting in a shopping trip, hunting for the perfect costume that will fit me, NOT do-able right now. And, I'm okay with that - really I am. It's just how funny it is that the people at chorus who don't understand how hectic it is can say 'just run to some consignment shops until you find the right thing'. Oie!

I was talking to a friend yesterday who told me he enjoyed funny blogs. I realized that - with all the craziness of our days, I haven't had a chance to tell you some of our funny stories. So... I though here and there I'll share some of them with you.

A few years ago, we were moving from one house to another down in South Tampa. We had put almost everything in boxes, but weren't totally packed yet. A good friend of mine (Chris) came over to help me finish packing a few nights before the big move.

Chris decided to help me pack up the pantry (in a small closet at the end of a hallway by the kitchen). There are wooden shelves in there, the top one is probably 6 feet high. She's packing and packing, gets to the top shelf (where we have our Christmas cookie chocolate and nothing really more - we can't reach all the way up there so we put stuff we'd rarely use that high). She notices that we have.......... rat droppings up there. ICK. And, how embarrassing that my FRIEND notices this? I never new we had mice/rats!

That night I told Chris (my hubby) what Chris (the friend) had found. Unbeknownst to me, he noticed a small hole in the upper corner of the pantry and figured that was where the rat was getting in and out of. He figured, if he moved the shelf down a level, the rodent wouldn't be able to get back in the hole. Great thinking hun... and thanks for not telling me this!

The next morning I get up for work. Chris is over at the new house unpacking (he has the day off work). I'm getting the kids off to school and getting ready for work. I notice the cat (a large 20 lb tabby cat) looking at the pantry door (closed). I wonder what he's doing... so I open the pantry door (not looking in the pantry, but rather looking at the cat) and ask the cat what it is he's looking at. You ever get the feeling someone/something is looking RIGHT at you? Yeah... well... I turn to look in the pantry, and here is this HUGE rat looking right at me - EYE LEVEL. It's then I see that Chris took down the upper shelf, and the rat got down but can't get back up into the hole. Rat looking at me........ me looking at rat......... OH MY LORD! I then look at the cat..... look back at the rat............ what am I going to do??...... In my quick thinking and not-so-well-thought-out panic I decide... cat's eat mice.... right?? I pick up this 20 lb cat (who I might add has never been outside or seen any kind of rodent before) and I THROW him into the pantry and try to close the door. No... no time for that. They run in circles... shelf... up the wall... shelf... up the wall... then finally out the door that I'm trying to close (with all the chaos going on in the pantry - THAT was impossible)... and the two of them run off into Amanda's bedroom.

Amanda's room was a converted garage... probably 20 ft long by 10 ft wide. It was ALMOST empty. In the room is... her bed (with black sheets and a black bed skirt) - a television, a bookshelf with only a few books left on it, and a picture in frame against the wall. Oh, and now the room has a cat AND rat in it.

Realizing that I have to go to work, I call Chris and tell him about all of this. What you have to understand is that... Chris is TERRIFIED of mice/rats. He responds "You want me to come HOME???" He decides to call his hero... his mom... to come and help him deal with the situation at home. I close the door to Amanda's bedroom and head to work.

The two of them arrive and the almost vacant house and head into the bedroom. Each has their weapon of choice... Chris a golf club and Evie a broom. They don't see the rat... and can't find the cat. Well, the cat was under the bed, terrified of this HUGE rat he's just been terrorized by. They can't get him out from under the bed to help out. They start looking around the room, trying to figure out where the rat is. At one point, the rat ran from the bookshelf, across the room. Chris SCREAMED like a 6 year old girl at a Cheetah Girls concert.... and jumped probably 7 feet right onto the bed. Only problem... the rat ALSO ran under the bed. Cat runs OUT from under the bed as he is terrified of this rat as well. Chris then tries to absorb his surroundings... he's on a bed w/ black bedding... how would he KNOW if the rat climbed up onto the bed?? He then jumps onto the television sitting in the middle of the room, and grabs the golf club. The rat runs out from under the bed and Chris takes a swing at him w/ the club. Of course, he misses, and the rat keeps running around - trying to figure out HOW to get out of this room - how to get out - how to get out! At one point, the rat ran UP a door onto the blinds (probably seeing the light of outside and hoping he could get there) but quickly fell when there was no way out. Again, Chris just swinging and swinging at this rat running around... Chris still screaming... his mom in the corner with a broom (her defense weapon) yelling "get him! get him!" The rat runs under the picture leaning up against the wall. The rat THINKS he's safe... but Evie and Chris both saw him run there, so they know where he is. Chris at this point is just thinking... "how can I get out of here"... still standing on the Television. Chris's mom begins to run across the room.... running... running.... jumps high.... and - S-P-L-A-T... lands RIGHT on the picture. Glass breaks, but she's just jumping up and down - up and down - yelling "DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE!". Chris sees the tail sticking out and at some point, the tail stops moving... Chris tells her that it's okay to stop, he's dead.

Doorbell rings.

It's our neighbor.... who is VERY concerned as he's heard a LOT of yelling... terrified screams - "get him!!" -- "die - die - die!!". Yeah........... he wants to know if everything is okay. Evie answers the door first - sweaty as all get-out. She tries to explain to the neighbor what was going on and behind her comes Chris, totally red faced and sweaty... but holding a HUGE rat by it's tail. The neighbor - of course - understands and quietly goes home. (I'm sure HE set traps that night!)

So that's our rat story... and the only time Chris has totally conquered his fear. Conquered... that's a good word for it!

This Weekend

I'm nervous as all get-out about this weekend. Chris and I have the opportunity to spend the weekend on St. Pete beach alone for our 20th Anniversary. Oh, and for FREE. (Well, $50 clean-up fee) Of course we are going, but that leaves the kids home alone. Sigh......

They won't be totally alone - Amanda will be home, I just have to 1) make sure her work schedule is okay and 2) get her to not parent Jonathan too much. (The other kids tell me that she's really 'hard' on him all the time) I'm also trying to jot down a schedule so that I know where they are and when they'll be home. For example... Friday night Kayla and Justin have a football game they are going to. Kayla has a friend's mom that is going to take them and bring them home. Jono and Kayte will be home with Amanda. Saturday Kayla and Kayte will be going to a neighbor's party from about noon till 5. I don't know yet about Jono and Justin, I guess they'll be home all day. Then I have a friend from Church bringing over dinner for them to all eat. (I was afraid they'd eat cereal the whole time I was gone!) Much thanks Suzanne! Sunday afternoon we'll be home - so they'll really only be alone without us on Saturday. (Sheesh Tina - relax!) But I'd still feel better knowing where they are all the time and who is with them. If anyone wants to volunteer to call or drop by - drop me a line and let me know -- we'd love it.

Speaking of doing things alone and/or trusting.... I should tell you that the last THREE times Kayla has gone out, she has done so WITHOUT getting into trouble! She is so proud of herself, and of course I am proud of her too. It's funny because she is actually counting these times and bragging to her friends about it. It's odd how there are times when I am certain she is doing something just because she WANTS to be defiant and do it, and then there are other times when I know she's trying, but she lacks the basic understanding of how to do something and NOT get into trouble. It's hard because as she continues to TRY to do things correctly and NOT get into trouble, I have to allow some level of trust in her and hope that she doesn't hang herself with it. Funny... a lot like what I'm going through with Julie. It's nice to see them both moving in the right direction. :o)

Speaking of moving in the right direction, Julie is still doing VERY WELL! I'm so happy for her. I've been getting quite a bit of pressure from some family members lately. Not bad pressure... but rather... a heavy sense of empathy towards Julie because she is doing so well. Sometimes that empathy FEELS to me like they feel I'm being unreasonable towards Julie. I think the entire family is really on the same page. But I feel that there is an urge to 'take sides' for some reason... and I'm not really sure why. We ALL want the same thing... for Julie to get better and be able to raise her kids on her own. Some are a little less confident that CAN happen... but isn't that understandable? NONE of us think that Julie is such an evil person that she can not raise her kids. Some wonder if Julie will EVER be mentally WELL enough to take care of the kids. And for those who DO wonder that... it's not unfounded by any means, so it's not like we are being harsh.

I just talked to Dottie to get her feelings on how she thought things went with Julie's visit. She thought Julie did well... but noticed a few things. Justin didn't spend any time with his mom and she wasn't sure why. (He just seemed a little distant) Kayte was really overly loving towards her mom (sat on her lap most of the time). When Julie met Kayla's boyfriend she acted as if she were a teen, shaking his hand in some teenage fashion. And of course she noticed that I never stopped working and that Julie and the kids would not get up to help me. But - overall - she agreed that the visit went well in that Julie behaved herself while there.

While talking to Dottie I also tried to put into words the feeling I had when Julie was talking about things (such as fixing the broken beds). I told her that.... when Julie talked about things - like Julie now trying to clean out her garage because it has so much trash in it - that although it is GREAT that she is doing this, but at the same time, it brings back the memories of HOW things got to be that way. The garage reminded me of... the pot smoking parties out there... the gang members going through the stuff in the garage and pawning anything of value (mostly Ron's stuff)... leaving nothing left BUT the garbage. I tried to explain how it was hard to not be happy - yet sad - at the very same time.

I suppose if the kids were with Katie right now and I were looking at things... it would be easier to JUST be happy about it and not think of the bad stuff. But with constant phone calls to/from state workers, frequent psychiatric visits and constantly talking to the kids about the past so that they can see the errors/mistakes and overcome whatever led up to those events - it makes it hard, if not impossible, to be JUST happy without feeling that sense of sadness over what had happened in the recent past.

That's the great thing about blogging. You get to put your thoughts and feelings out there - then go back and read them - and often times you get to psychoanalyze yourself. LOL Getting pregnant at 17, married at 18, and having the life events that we have - I've been to more than my fair share of therapy sessions... so I get to provide therapy to myself. Too funny.

I would like to wish my mother and father-in-law (Evelyn and Jimmie Dean) a very happy Anniversary! Today is their 21st wedding anniversary. Come on everyone... sing it with me.... "Happy anniversary to you, happy anniversary to you, happy anniversary dear Evie and Jimmie, happy anniversary to you".

I'm going to end with snips from my friend Chris Kirkman's recent post. She's the one with the daughter who has cancer. (Chris is the mom, Drew is her husband, Kylie is their baby girl, and Christal just turned 8) They are living each day to it's fullest - one day at a time, one memory at a time, while Christal is still blessing the world with her presence. They had a prayer service for her on Sunday, and Chris posted the following message about it. I've edited it some for length purposes. But I really wanted to share it with you because it shows God in action, as well as the wonderful spirit of this little girl, Christal.

Yesterday, the prayer service was just beautiful and Pastor Dave did a great job with it. I think the most amazing thing to me about this was the deacons from the church coming around and laying their hands on Christal. Here is this group of men surrounding her… only one of them actually KNEW Christal. They were praying for her as if she was their daughter or grand-daughter. As they stood around her, several of them were crying for her. Not like just tears streaming down the face crying... and not sobbing... but rather what I would call weeping. This was MY daughter, and they didn't "know" her... they only knew "OF" her, and there they were... weeping for her. I was totally taken back (as I always have been) by how fervently people pray for her. It was quite touching. There was definitely a sweet spirit about this place.

Towards the beginning of the service, Kylie decided she wanted to sit riiiiiiiight by her sissy. So she got as close as she could get to Christal, and still be in my lap… she put her hand on Christal’s back and started patting her like as if to say, “Hi, my sissy… hi… this is my sissy.” Like she has a thousand times before. Then Kylie did something she really hasn’t ever done before… she put her hand on Christal’s cheek and moved her hand back and forth, like stroking it. SO gently, just adorable. Ugh, as sweet as it was I thought, “I can’t believe this little baby girl is going to have to grow up without her big sissy.” Just not the way it’s suppose to be, is it?

At the end of the service Christal sat and talked to everyone on the way out, which was a nice suggestion of Pastor Dave. Afterwards it was suggested that maybe Christal would like to be baptized. We talked to her and decided it was something that we’d be doing… RIGHT THEN! It’s not often (if ever) that Pastor Jay Dennis would get interrupted during his evening message to
do a baptism. He knew how much this meant and was HAPPY to let it happen. This entire time was so surreal as I watched her with Pastor Dave in her white robe getting ready for something so amazing happening in her life. I was just the tiniest bit envious of her, because I had been wanting to get baptized for awhile… but just hadn’t done it. When I spoke up and said, AAAAAAAAH, I’m so excited for her I could just PEE… I want to be right there with her!” When Lori realized I meant I wanted to get baptized too… they asked if I wanted to get changed and do it with her, telling me there was time. I kept saying, “No no no, not now… this is her moment.” Little did I know how the rest of the evening would unfold.

Over the next 30-40 min or so… and actually the entire evening… God had been working on Drew’s heart. As Christal and I went out front to say good-bye to Uncle T and Aunt Jodi and the kids (and others)… Drew was getting ready for the journey that would change his life. He sat in the back with Lori and started talking to her. Christal and I came back, and when we walked up… I KNEW something huge was going on. Pastor Jay came out and Lori introduced Drew to him first… it was at that moment within a few sentences that Pastor Jay asked Drew the question and he was ready to answer it in an affirmative way, “Do you want to accept Jesus into your heart as your personal savior?” And Drew answered, “Yes.” And then prayed the prayer with Pastor Jay. Within just a minute of this, he tells me that he understood that I had wanted to get baptized, and of course I told him, “Yes, that’s true.” You have to know… no one is in the church, everyone has gone home… we’re just there together behind the scenes just a few of us and he said, “Well, I’ll baptize you right here, right now if you’d like.” And my response was, “Gitty-UP, lets DO IT!” (I’m not really sure if that was the “appropriate” response, but I think Pastor understood my enthusiasm.) He then turned to Drew (who is still spinning for just accepting Christ), and asks him the same question to which his response was affirmative! This entire night could not have been more perfect.

We all walked up to the baptismal… prayed, and then it was time. This was a very surreal feeling being back at the very same location I had been just moments before with my daughter. I had just said, “No, this was her moment and it wasn’t time for me yet…” Not knowing that God was already there and knew that I in fact WAS going to be baptized that evening… but rather,
WITH the love of my life. I’m not sure I’ve ever been a part of an evening like this… rather, I KNOW I’ve never been a part of something SO unbelievable.

Afterwards Christal met Pastor Jay and told him something that she had been talking about
since her baptism, she said, “Uh…. You know I think you really need to get a slide in there, and probably a diving board too. It would be a lot more fun. I have a lot of money that I could give you… or we could raise money. I think you should really do that.”

One Of The Worst Nights Ever

Here it is... nearly midnight on Monday night... I need to be sleeping... but I just can't. My mind is reeling with events of this evening... and I know that if I blog about it, I will feel better. Here goes........

Tonight was a big night. Julie has been calling wanting to come over, unsupervised. She was off work tonight (Monday) and I told her she could come over. She has been doing SO much better. I've been debating it for a while now... and finally decided that it wasn't really in my hands anyways. See... she had gotten into trouble when she was here supervised only by me in the past. This led to visits having to be supervised from someone at a state level. Later they let my mom supervise visits. Julie is always better behaved when someone else was here to 'watch her'... which was GOOD for Julie. Allowing her to come to the house unsupervised meant that she COULD potentially do something wrong again and get into trouble again. But... I can't control that.(The next level would be totally unsupervised... meaning she could take the kids somewhere on her own, but she can't do that now, she has to have someone there with her at all times) So I let her come over. She was going to come over at 6. She wanted dinner and brownies... and offered to help cook. Cool!

I called Dottie (Guardian Ad Litem) as she has never been here to see Julie interact WITH her kids before. She kept asking when Julie was going to be over so that she could 'watch' her interact with the kids. She said she would come and was due to come over between 6 and 6:30. She's always so nice when she comes over... sits down with the kids and really listens to them.

Also due at our home this evening was Pito, Kayla's new boyfriend. He has been to the house many times, but this would be his first time meeting Kayla's mom.

I had decided to make fried chicken and rice for dinner. I saw an Emeril episode where he marinated the chicken in a mixture of Buttermilk and hot sauce overnight, then breaded and fried the chicken. It looked easy enough, so I bought the stuff to marinade and cook the dinner last night.

I arrived from work about 5:15. Chris was home but very tired and had a very bad headache... Amanda was at work... all the kids were home as was Pito. I immediately began to work on dinner... setting up the flour and spices.... getting the oil ready... pans needed... etc. About this time Dottie arrives. She has a pie in hand for the kids (she always brings something for them). Dottie and I talk a little while but I'm hard at work in the kitchen. Shortly thereafter Julie arrives and the whirlwind begins.

I want to pause quickly and stress that Julie didn't do anything wrong. Not at all. It's just the CHAOS that happens when she's here that makes it so......... stressful. And I'm fully aware it's mostly MY fault because I want her to have a good visit with her kids. I don't push the kids to do the clean up... I don't ask Julie to do things to pitch in. Anyways... back to the story.....

Julie has tons of stuff in hand. She's working now and has her own money. She brings clothes, peanuts, bread, coke (she hates my crystal lite), and a little money for each of the kids. She looks good... she has on new clothes, her nails are done real nice.... she's gained quite a bit of weight, but still looks good. SO SO much better than before. I didn't expect her to help me cook just then, of course. She was there to see her kids! But I did expect her to at least ask at some point. The kids, Julie and Dottie chatted for quite some time... at the kitchen table though so I got to..... hear but not participate.

I didn't listen to the whole conversation because I was hard at work cooking dinner for the army. I did hear Julie telling the kids all the work she was doing in their bedrooms... fixing up their beds and stuff. It was at this point when Chris whispered in my ear that he couldn't listen to this anymore and had to go somewhere else. I don't blame him... it was hard to listen to, which was why I was trying NOT to listen. What you have to realize here is that all the kids beds are broken BECAUSE of the bad stuff that happened in Julie's house the year after Ron died. They had people there who would... how do I say this nicely...... have 'relations' in their beds - so rough that it broke Kayte and Justin's bed. This is why it was hard to listen to all the work she was doing there. It's good... but it's still hard to hear. The other thing I hear them talking about on occasion is something 'new' the kids are doing. Sounding proud that they are 'doing this' and Julie calls their bluff.... "you know you don't like that, you know that this is what you REALLY like". It upsets me because the kids ARE trying to change... they ARE changing. Why is that such a bad thing? An example is the music they listen to. I won't let them listen to the DIRTY music anymore... and they even listen to Christian music now. They sing along with it in the car. But Julie 'knows' they don't REALLY like that. Ugggggg. (Note the music subject itself didn't come up tonight, it has in the past and was a good illustration for the general feel of the conversation this evening) So - they are talking and talking. I'm cooking and cooking. Cleaning and cleaning. Somewhere during this period... Dottie leaves. I was knee deep in frying so I really don't remember when.

I finished the chicken.... carrots.... rice......... tried to cook bread and ended up burning it. CRRRAP The kids half-assed set the table, so I'm trying to put ice in cups and get them on the table in time for dinner. Julie has still done nothing - AT ALL - to help with dinner or the table or anything. She sits at the head of the table and waits for everything to be done.

We have dinner... it was great by the way. Breading didn't stick so well to the chicken... but the chicken had a wonderful flavor and was very moist. Julie snuffed her nose at the carrots, proclaiming that she 'doesn't do vegetables at all'. The ONLY veggie she'll eat is corn. Of course, the kids are trying to get her to eat at least ONE carrot (they were sweet... I cooked them in pancake syrup). We finally had to promise her that we'd make brownies if she'd eat only ONE carrot. She did... hated it... but did it. I swear to God, it was like forcing a 5-year-old to eat their veggies. Only she's 37. Anyways...........

Several.......... uncomfortable......... subjects came up at the dinner table. You've heard me talk in the past about Julie's education level. She's never graduated high school nor passed her GED. She doesn't help the kids with their homework... they are above her level of learning already. At one point, the subject of math comes up. Julie mentions that she was actually very GOOD at math in school. Kayte tells her that the math Julie was good at was math they did years ago (or something to that effect) and Julie actually brags about how she had a 7th grade level of math on some pre-test for her GED. I don't get how that was brag-worthy... but it made everyone just kind of sit there and go... "okay... chagne the subject to something else". LOL Another odd subject was when we were trying to convince Kayla that she was NOT fat if she goes up in jeans sizes. (She currently wears a 3 but should be in a 4 or 5 for them to fit correctly.) Julie tries to console Kayla by telling her that - heck - she's more than 20 sizes bigger than that, so a little 4 or 5 is nothing. Course, that does NOT make Kayla feel any better. Her boyfriend (such a SWEET boy) jumps in and tries to help matters. He says that he has never felt that anorexic-looking girls were attractive, he felt women should be nicely proportioned. Only... poor Pito mispronounces the word 'anorexic'... not much, but he says something like 'amberexic' or something like that. Julie laughs, looks him in the eyes and says... "stay in school, son". I know she meant it to be funny.... and I'm usually the first one to applaud humor. But this poor guy was just trying so hard to fit in with the 'mom' he was meeting tonight for the first time. He didn't say anything after that at all.

We finish dinner and most of the kids head outside to play. Julie wants to make brownies right away. I know there is a TON of clean-up work to do. Kayla unloads the dining room table dirty dishes to the kitchen... and I start to work on the kitchen. Washing pots, pans, plates, bowls, cups, silverware, counter tops, sink - just - everything. Julie leaves the brownies for me to put in the oven which I do while cleaning. She then goes to play with Kayte on Myspace in the computer room for a while. Chris who hasn't been feeling well all night heads upstairs to bed.

I finish cleaning the kitchen.... then head to the dining room where the table, although cleaned off, still needs to be 'cleaned' and a table cloth re-set. I do this of course. Finally done. I go outside to tell Jonathan that he needs to do his chore (clean the floor in the kitchen), and I end up playing a game of basketball ('cat') with Justin, Kayla and Pito. Fun -- fun.

I head back inside and Julie's still on the computer. The kids want her to play a game of "spider eyes" because it's getting dark. What IS spider eyes you ask? I'm so glad you asked! It's REAL fun!! And you HAVE to try it. When it's dark.... get a flashlight... put it on your forehead... beam of light facing out front. Point the light to the ground and look for flickering green lights. When you find one.... little bitty lites... go look at what it is. It's a SPIDER. It's some technical thing about how the distance of the beam of light when placed on your forehead and your eyes... and the eyes of a spider. If you hold the flashlight anyplace else and try to do the same it just doesn't work. It's gotta be on your forehead. It's WICKED COOL. And I'm TERRIBLY afraid of spiders... but knowing WHERE they are is a good thing!

So... the kids want Julie to experience this. Julie's reply... "I don't do outside". What does THAT mean????? She goes on to explain... It's hot. There are bugs. It's not air conditioned. It's........... outside. No, uh-uh Julie... I drag her butt outside to do something with the kids. She did it... and of course... found it fascinating. She lasted maybe 5 minutes and had to go inside... but she did it. Yeah!

We go inside..... brownies are done. Good thing because it's nearly 8:30 and Julie wanted to leave before 9. I cut the brownies.... serve them....... milk......... whatever. Then - of course - you guessed it - cleaned up.

Julie then left for the night. Getting the kids to bed after this was TOUGH. But finally, 10:30 or so.... the house is quiet. Thank goodness!! Time for ME?? Nope. Phone rings maybe 15 min later. Amanda's at work and needs a ride home. UGGGGG Go to pick her up and finally get home and decide to just go to bed. Of course, I can't sleep.... so here I sit............ blogging.

Oh, I forgot to mention.... Julie says on her way out... "lets do this again in a week". Oh good lord.... I love her SO much. She really did good. But I am E-X-H-A-U-S-T-E-D. Again? In a week???? I'm going to have to think about that.

I hear ya mom.... you are saying "Tina, you should get the kids to chip in and do some of the work... or get Julie to help out". It's hard to explain... when she is here.... it's just.......... so chaotic - and she seems to wait for me to get things done for her - and - she wants to spend time with her kids... I don't blame her there! I just have to find a better way... because... I can't do this every week.

Why God?

Today's service was AWESOME. Chris and I did the praise team thing... and it was really an awesome experience. Not the singing... I mean... the singing WAS great, but the worship.... it just took my personal worship to a whole new level. I didn't think that was possible. Yet again - God knows what he's doing in my life. Imagine that!

Which is kinda what the service today was about. Why God sometimes doesn't make sense. How things can seem so unfair, or stupid, or random, or even wrong sometimes... but in the grand scheme of things... in GOD'S plan... it all makes perfect sense. And of course, I couldn't help but think of my life and what God is doing with me.

It's really funny actually... I never - EVER - thought that I would be one of those people who believed wholeheartedly in the 'greater good'.... in the 'bigger plan'. Yet, that's exactly where I find myself... and I really don't know HOW or WHY.

A year and a half ago, when Ron died (the 'bad sisters' husband and father to the nieces and nephew I'm raising) I was VERY angry with God. I didn't attend church. I didn't pray. I didn't think about Him at all in my day-to-day life. And.... I didn't really miss it. I felt like every day was just.... another day on earth bringing me one day closer to the day I'd die. No biggie... just like ants in an ant farm... doing what I need to do every day to get by. On the occasion I thought of God, Jesus and/or Ron... I felt anger. Anger that the God that I used to worship could have let this wonderful man die, leaving behind a mentally ill wife who was incapable of raising their three young teenage kids. How often I thought "What kind of a God is that??" with anger in my heart.

Life for me was really falling apart and I was almost unaware of it. Like an ant that can SEE the walls in the tunnel behind him caving in - but presses on never thinking WHY it happened or what would happen if the walls over my head caved in. Just... living day to day. Some things happened with my employer and I was let go, and I found myself out of a job with no place else to go for the first time in - well, ever. Shortly thereafter Chris was let go from his job. Our lives were falling apart. Yes indeed. And trust-you-me... I asked "WHY?????" a LOT. Why me? Why us? Why this? Why now? Was it because I was angry with God and he was striking me back? What did I do to deserve this? And all of this just gave me all the more reason to be angry with God.

Only 2 weeks after I was let go, I got a job for a company I'd never even heard of before; it was a very small company run by two brothers. I'd have to sell parts to power plants and large factories. Me? Sell???? Huh.. I can't do that! God new better. Chris began working on his own... as a handyman. As he quickly found out, he LOVED it - he could fix something or remodel something and actually SEE the end result. And best of all... he's GOOD at it! God knew what he was doing when He moved us out of those jobs and into these jobs. We still had no intention of going to Church. Still angry with God. Then my boss, David Pero, began to work on me... telling me that I needed to find a church to call home. Preaching to me almost daily. Ministering to me daily, telling me of the good works God has done and does do for him every single day. One week, it all kinda came to a head... my boss kept preaching to me, asking me to go to Church - 'try VanDyke' he said... it's close and it's the Church he and his family used to attend when they lived nearby. The very same day, my mom calls my cell phone. I didn't answer so she left me a message. She tells me that she ran into this really nice guy at Tampa General, Bill Atkinson... and how awesome he was... and that she thinks I should go to his Church on Sunday... VanDyke. She calls me to see if I got her message... and of course (being in the angry 'anti-God' mood I had been in) I told her I heard it, when in fact I had heard her start to preach to me and I immediately deleted the message. She - knowing me better than anyone else (gotta love moms) knew I was lying so she told me the whole story again. Our friends, Denise and Arne Helbig that same week had talked to us about going to their Church.... you guessed it, VanDyke. I finally looked up to the sky and said "OKAY! I get it... I'm GOING". So... that Sunday we attended and immediately felt it.

We walked into the church and felt the genuine love and warmth from everyone there. Unlike my prior churches - people came up to welcome us for coming. Again.... genuine love and warmth from them. Then the service began... and the music blew us away. Chris and I being musically motivated were immediately drawn to the music. In the Catholic service, our memorized prayer was our 'gift' to God. Here... our voices lifted up in song... was our worship to God. Wow... what a feeling.

Of course, that same week we attended Choir rehearsal. They were learning the Christmas music and we wanted to be a part of it. This was probably October sometime. Chris and I immediately felt the love and support of the church and the choir. It's hard to describe it, but it brought me strength... hope....... strength and hope for what I didn't yet know about. But I was soon to find out.

Sometime in November I remember getting the call about Julie having to go into the hospital. What you have to realize is, this kind of thing happens with Julie ALL the time. She's been Baker's Acted more times than I can count. I took the call and told Chris "I should go over to Julie's house". She's in Riverview, I'm in Carrollwood. Chris said... "hun, you know this happens all the time, it'll be fine. There's nothing for you to do there anyways". I knew he was right... this DID happen all the time. Julie would pawn her kids off to neighbors until she got out of the hospital. This would be no different. I sit to watch Television with Chris... and again... that feeling -- that I needed to GO to Julie's house. I looked at Chris and just said... "Hon, I HAVE to go, I don't know why, but I know... I HAVE to go". So off I went.

What I saw when I got there was surreal. Julie inside screaming at everyone. She wouldn't even allow me to step on her property (as if I had done anything wrong to her at this point!) This young Gang kid outside yelling at me, telling me he was going to kill me. Even the police were upset by everything going on there. Apparently - Julie had overdosed the night before - hoping to die. She woke up and was 1) pissed off to be alive and 2) pissed off because she had no pot in the house. The police took Julie away and were going to call the Department of Children and Families (DCF), but I offered to take the kids with me. Had I not been there... had GOD not put it in my heart for me to go.... those kids WOULD be in the foster program today. No question. No doubt. God knew.

Of course DCF came to Julie's house once she got out of the hospital and the kids were back home with her. They made it very clear to Julie what had to happen in her house so that they would not take the kids. Tip of the iceberg: she had to get clean, the guys living there had to move out, she had to take her meds as prescribed. At the follow-up visit, none of this had happened, and she had cut herself and taken meds wrong and the guy had not yet moved out - so DCF took the kids. Again, I offered to take them in my home as I just couldn't see them going into foster care.

It was at this point that Chris and I realized we would have the kids for a while. 6 months minimum... 1 year more possible... forever was not out of the question. I almost typed in that last sentence "If we took the kids"... but honestly... "IF" was never an option. I NEVER questioned it. I never thought of what it would do to me, or our kids, or our home, or our finances... I just KNEW that we were supposed to do this.

Our daughter Amanda had just moved out so we had a spare bedroom. Doug, Chris's dad, was living with us, so it was going to be a full house. But - again - we knew. Things changed at home... Doug had more strokes and had to go to an Assisted Living Facility, and low and behold... Amanda needed to move back home! Coincidence? Nope... again... God's plan.

Members of VanDyke were always there to help us when we needed it. Food... marriage counseling to hold us together through this difficult adjustment.... heck, even help once with the electric bill. Simply amazing.

The really odd thing as I think about this looking back.... even as ANGRY as I was with God... when this all happened, I never ONCE questioned "why". Never. And I really don't know why. I am - by absolutely NO means - any kind of super faithful person.

I now realize that we were brought to our knees back then for a reason. I have absolutely no doubt in my mind that GOD sent me to Church that Sunday. The Church gave me the support that we needed to handle what was going to happen only a short while later. And this faith I have inside my heart... this calmness and no urge to ever question 'why'.... I am certain that it comes only from God... and I totally know that I am undeserving of that gift. Gift. It is a gift... People will sometimes say to me "I have no idea how you do it"... and I just look at them... not really knowing what to say. I know I've said it before, but I KNOW God is in charge, and I completely and fully trust him.

As so here I sit.... wondering why I don't question why. Knowing that it's a gift from God. And knowing that I'm undeserving of this. And yet at the same time, hoping that His gift continues... for I know I have a difficult road still ahead.

Julie is doing so much better. Plans will be moving forward soon for reunification with the kids, and I've grown quite an attachment to them. I need to remember that whatever happens... it's God's plan. I often find myself thinking that Julie could never be the kind of mother I am to these kids... especially as it pertains to school. And yet, I KNOW, this is not my call. When God wants Julie to be back with her Children, it'll happen. Soon (November I believe) Julie will have another court date, and I have to try to find the healthy balance between saying what I feel / expressing my concerns about her parenting and not being overly harsh just because I want to keep the kids.

All of you avid blog readers out there... I'm also certain that YOUR prayers lift me up as well. I've said it before and I'll say it again... I can almost FEEL the strength as a result of the prayers you lift to God. Your continual prayers are very much appreciated. And I just love it when you leave me comments... so please feel free to do that as well.

I leave you with this quote which might just sum up some of what I've posted about faith in this blog.

"We think having faith means being convinced God exists in the same way we are convinced a chair exists. People who cannot be completely convinced of God’s existence think faith is impossible for them. Not so. People who doubt can have great faith because faith is something you do, not something you think. In fact, the greater your doubt the more heroic your faith." Anonymous author of RealLivePreacher.com

Busy Week & Hard Lessons

We've had a fairly busy week... sickness and all.

Justin is going to try out for the Gaither Baseball team next weekend. Chris and I won't be here to drive him, but he's going to ride a bike to tryouts. I really hope he makes it... playing sports really makes him happy. :o)

Kayla, if you recall, didn't try out for the dance team at Gaither. However, she just found out that they are having auditions for a step team next Monday night - so she's going to try out for that. I'm confident she'll make that... she's really good at dance and step.

Jonathan has a really big gig coming up in two weeks. Every year the barbershoppers in the Florida area get together over Labor Day weekend for a big show. They fly in top-notch quartets to sing on two shows. Jonathan's quartet has been invited to sing on the Saturday night show. I can't stress how much of a big deal this is for the barbershop world... I'm real excited for him.

Amanda just called, upset. You see... she has this job at Target, which is a little over 2 miles away from our home. When she moved in with us, she got the job at Target because it was so close. We explained that - while her car was broke - she'd have to either walk to work or borrow one of our bicycles. We went out and bought a bike lock and everything for the bike. Well.... Amanda doesn't like to walk or ride the bike. Her words "I'd rather call in sick". Since the day she moved in with us, we have - somehow or another - managed to get her to and from work on the days she has worked. When I tell her that she should ride the bike, she blasts back with "yeah, mom, I'd like to see YOU ride a bike to work". Ya know what I would do if I had no car?? Yep... I'd have to ride the bike to work! And she speaks to me as if - in the past 20 years of my adult existence, I have NEVER had a vehicle break down and had to find a creative way to get to work! You bet I have!

So I go home at lunch, Amanda is just getting up out of bed. I tell her that there is a POSSIBILITY that I'll be home early from work. Good she says, because she works at 3:30. Lovely. I get back to work - it's now 2:30 - and I'm swamped. People ordering parts for their power plants and such left and right. Plants scheduled for outage and need parts now... all that good stuff. Amanda calls and I tell her I'm NOT going to be home.

She's furious. She tells me something about her Dad was supposed to call her at 1 to see if he'd be home early, and he didn't. When she called him, he's still working and can't come home. Now me. And now, she says, she has not time to shower or anything. She'd have to leave RIGHT NOW to be there in time. (I'm assuming she's talking about walking - that would take an hour; a bike would take 15 min or so).

To be fair... we've had our good days with Amanda. Came home after being at the beach last weekend and she had totally cleaned downstairs. She's asked her boyfriend to make us some EXTRAORDINARY dinners when he's in town. But - the dynamics of the family really have changed. And I also realize that on top of her medical concerns, she has other things to worry about. Amanda has gotten herself into quite the financial pickle, which she is trying to work her way out of herself. She owes a lot to a lot of people/places and still needs to get her car fixed (she affectionately calls it "P.O.S.H." which stands for "Piece Of Sh** Heap"). I know she's in way over her head... and I feel for her. I really do. I feel like the only way to help her at this point is to stop helping her. The other day she asked to borrow $20. I was like... "what for?". Well... she wants to pay for one of those services that will give you anyone's phone number (even unlisted) to look up an old friend. I was like... "Amanda, all these people and things that you owe... and you think throwing $20 into this is a good idea?????" It was then that I was remembering the first time my electricity and water got shut off at home. There is no better of a reality check into importance of paying bills on time as then. No lights, no air conditioning, and no water to even flush a toilet. Sit in the dark and pee by a tree. Yep... It's then that you remember the $20 that you wasted here and there... wishing so badly that you had thought instead to pay your electric or water bill. Yes... those were hard lessons. (Plural because unfortunately I didn't learn the lesson until after it happened a few times - LOL) But she has to learn those lessons herself.

Okay - I got sidetracked there - sorry about that. I was posting about our weekly happenings.

Nothing really new with Kayte. But I will tell you this funny story.... I of course check her myspace. Not as often as I did with Kayla because Kayte is better behaved online. They all know, I don't allow them to have friends with gang stuff, drug paraphernalia, or lots of bad words on their myspace. I tell them all the time "who you hang out with is who you will become". She has this one kid as a friend who was rather odd... a young white boy... but - he was really trying to be all 'gangsta'. But, you could tell that he was TRYING... that it wasn't really HIM. His headline had a running sentence that had the word "nigga" six times, "fuck" 4 times and "shit" once. So.... he called the house shortly after I saw his myspace. I say to him "nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, shit". He's like... "what"?? I said, "That's really the only think I know about you after reading your myspace... you seem to like cursing an awful lot. Do you really think that's necessary?" The very next day, his myspace was changed.

This makes their second friend whom, once I said something to them about it, they changed it. Makes me wonder if we - as the adults in our society - sit quietly too often, not telling children what we think and feel about what they are doing and saying. What a shame... because we should ALL be modeling and shaping our youth - even if they are not our kids. They ARE our next generation... teachers... workers... scientists... musicians... doctors. If we don't tell them what they are doing is wrong... who will? **stepping down off the soapbox**

Chris and I are singing this weekend on the Praise team and Chris couldn't be happier. I'm happy - but not as excited as he is. He's like a kid in a candy store... it's cute. We went to rehearsal last night and he was just bouncing off the walls. Too funny.

Chris just called and had a good day at work. He did some handyman work for a pretty well-off woman down in Hyde Park today. He told me that she alone has enough jobs to keep him busy for months... this is really great news as he still needs the work! (He... and WE!) She's going to spread the word to her neighbors about how great he was and how he could do almost anything for a reasonable price. Word of mouth business... can't beat that!

Speaking of working and business.... I better run. Too much to do... to little time to do it. I leave you with this....

I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the LORD, for he has been good to me. Psalm 13: 5-6

Heloise-shemoloise!

You know, I've made fun about this before, but honest to goodness, I don't understand how Heloise gets paid to give her "Hints from Heloise". Maybe a long time ago she had some fresh - new ideas, but nowadays... not so new. I subscribed to daily hints from Heloise so that I might become even more of a Susie Homemaker. But... I find her advise to be pretty simple. Here are some of my recent hints:

Keep The Microwave Clean: Clean with a soapy sponge and then wipe with a rinsed sponge. Finish cleaning by drying the area with a towel. -- WOW - there's a thought!
Removing Fruit or Fruit Juice Stains: Get to the stain ASAP. For washable material apply liquid laundry detergent to the stain. Then launder in detergent and warm water. -- WOW - another great one! Here I was thinking I'd just never wash it and eventually it would come clean. Huh... imagine that!

Seriously... I could write better stuff than that! I mean, does anyone ever read that and say "Oh, that's how you clean the microwave????" Or is there some person perhaps that cleans with a rinsed sponge and rinses with a soapy one maybe? I dunno..... it all seems so very logical to me. And... she gets PAID to do this?

I had a wonderful conversation yesterday with Dottie, the kids Guardian Ad Litem. I told her how very sad I was after speaking to Karen. We talked about a lot of different things. She told me that I had every right to be anxious during the transition between case workers and that I should not feel bad about that one bit. I needed to hear that yesterday.

We also discussed some things the kids have said recently. When the kids were asked "What three things would you ask for if you moved back home with your mom?" The kids responded with the following:
1) That Julie would discipline them firm yet fair, and consistent... not giving in the next day.
2) That Julie would not think about their feelings when disciplining them. Too often she gives in because she 'thinks she hurt their feelings'.
3) That Julie would stop having men over the house all the time.

I thought these were fair requests. Very fair. Dottie saw more into it than that. She explained that - a year ago... these kids would NEVER have asked for these three things... it would have been NOWHERE on their wish-list. She went on to add that their wish list showed a great level of maturity which had come only one way... from the example set at our home. She went on and on about the great job that Chris and I are doing. It's weird... I know we are doing 'the right thing'.... but it's still nice to hear it every once in a while. To that end, that is why it's so wonderful whenever you comment on a blog. It lets me know that someone is out there saying 'yes... you can do it' or 'you are doing a great job'. However, regardless of you comments, I still feel the presence through the power of prayer. It's hard to describe... but when I blog about something and ask you to pray for it - I can almost feel the burden being lifted within days.

Speaking of prayers and burdens being lifted... I have blogged before about my friend Chris and her daughter Christal. Christal is 8 and has brain cancer. Well... she is not doing very well at all. Her mom Chris is the most AMAZING woman I've ever known. She is just very faithful and inspirational. Hard to describe here... but you can read about here at: www.christalinfo.com Add her to any prayer lists you have going... Christal Reynolds. She's an amazing little girl who wants to just be happy and have parties - as every 8 year old should think about.

Still no real plans for our 20th Wedding Anniversary yet. We might be going to the beach next weekend, Friday night till Sunday - my boss owns a condo on St. Pete Beach and we can get it for $50 (clean up fee). I love the beach and would love to do this. But I'm not sure that it's something Chris wants to do. He's thinking more along the lines of Camping - which I want to do, but with all the kids. I think we are going to take them to Fort Wilderness - it'll be Kayla, Justin and Kayte's first ever camping experience - and we want them to really enjoy it. What better way to ensure that than to camp at DISNEY??!!

Speaking of the kids... I've not been able to get out yet and buy that book that was suggested, which is pretty sad because I want to DO it... ASAP! I'm hoping I'll have some free time this weekend to run out and get it. I've also had NO CALLS yet from the schools or teachers. I'm hoping this is good news... the kids are really excited about their schools this year (whereas last year they went into them kicking and screaming).

One more bit of news... Chris and I were asked to sing on the praise team at church this weekend. Very exciting for us as it's what we first thought of when we walked through the doors at Van Dyke. Not that we want to get out there and perform (I might just pee my pants the first couple of times actually) but because we are just so excited about what God has done and is doing for us and we want to share that joy and happiness in the only way that Chris and I know how to do... through music. You know I've been sick all week... so I'm praying that I'll have a voice for Saturday and Sunday... so say a quick prayer for us, and another quick one that I'll have a voice!

Speaking of needing prayers... say another prayer for Chris's step-father Jimmie Dean. He's back in the hospital having some heart problems. Not another heart attack (thank goodness) but I understand he made the machines in the ER go crazy - beeping and buzzing. They are going to keep him to try to stabalize him. Please keep him in your prayers as well.

I better run. Thank you so much for your prayers and good thoughts! It means the world to us!

Feeling Sick - Last Thing I Needed

Sorry I've not posted in a few days... I've been home really sick. Just a cold / flu thing, nothing big... but no energy to get up and blog.

I was feeling a little better today and thought I needed to come to work. I get a call from Julie first. She tells me that Karen (DCF lady) is in the office today cleaning up a few things and that she talked to her about everything. Mainly that Julie is going to go to counseling with the kids. Then Julie tells me "I didn't know Justin wanted to kill himself". I was floored. This was confidential information and Julie is HORRIBLE at keeping this kind of info away from the kids. I told her that she BETTER NOT tell Justin about this or else she and I would have definite issues. I think she gets it. But we'll see.

The next call was from Karen. She is very upset about the "blistering email" that I sent to Hillsborough Kids. She claims she was NOT out of contact for weeks and that her phone had been working every day except for one. This is simply not true. I blog whenever I talk to her - I can clearly see the last time that she and I spoke. The conversation between Karen and I today was short and to the point. DCF says... I get money to care for the kids, I'm going to have to pay their psychiatric care bills. She stated that if I were a foster mom, I'd have only $200 something per kid a month. Said as if to say that I'm rolling in the dough, making money off these kids.

I'm telling you -- I'm nearly in tears... no... that's not true... I AM in tears. Of course I want to do every single thing I possibly can to care for these kids. More than want to - I DO IT. Every minute of my life... from working to what to cook for dinner... from planning weekend trips to talking to teachers -- EVERYTHING is done for these kids. And she dare to imply otherwise? That I have this extra cash floating around that I could easily be spending on their psychiatric bills? Infuriates me!

I just called the counselor that they don't like - the kids think 'is a waste of time' - and made another appointment to piss away another $50 next week. Why not, I'm rolling in dough, eh? She says that she doesn't know that she should see the kids WITH Julie... that the kids tell her things in private that she doesn't feel Julie should be involved in. She added that to meet WITH Julie would be a breech of trust kind of thing.

All of this when I'm really not feeling all that well. This - no doubt - just makes me more emotional. Sigh.............

I have chorus tonight, Toast of Tampa, and not sure that I want to go. I've been in bed sleeping - literally - all day Saturday afternoon and night, all day and night Sunday and Monday. Today is my first day back and I'm still feeling really icky. Add to this the fact that Gene (Amanda's boyfriend, the chef) is at home making another fabulous dinner for us (although early enough to where I could still go to chorus if I wanted to). I don't know what I'm going to do... go or not go.

Speaking of what to do... Jason emailed and wants to know if Chris and I want to sing on the praise team this weekend. THIS weekend.!?.!? Ummm... ssssuuuuuure. We don't know what songs they are singing yet... and Chris and I like to be very prepared - note and word perfect. But.... Sunday.... 5 days away... and Jason hasn't posted the songs yet for this weekend. Gulp. My heart is telling me "just go on and do it" knowing that overly anal me would prepare myself to death if I had weeks before I knew my first week to sing. My head is telling me "uh, you haven't seen the music! What if it's totally new and hard?" But... I trust Jason. I trust the Lord. I know neither one wouldn't give me a challenge I couldn't face. I am a little worried about being sick and not being able to sing. And then there's the other thing... I've seen myself in the mirror and -- yeah -- I look sick. LOL But 5 days... I'll be better by then.

Oh, you know what? I just realized that I scheduled the two girl's therapist appointments next Friday - the 25th - and that's the night that Chris and I are supposed to kick off something for our 20th anniversary. My awesome boss might let me use their condo for the weekend - right next to the Don Cesar on St. Pete Beach. We were going to leave after work... guess it'll have to be 2 hours after that, eh? Crap.

Okay... I'm not feeling well and I really should run. Please say a prayer for me. I'm sure I'm just overly emotional right now because I'm sick... but I feel really sad after my talk with Karen today.

I'll leave you with this quote I found... which really speaks to me. Enjoy.

Marriage should be a duet - when one sings, the other claps.--Joe Murray

As The World Turns

**Soap Opera music playing in the background** Yes, it's never a dull moment here at the Rhocchini house. No-sir-ee-bobby.

Last night at about 4pm, Kayla and Justin called. They wanted to WALK to Burger King. First I said no, but they pleaded their case. I know they like to walk... to exercise... (which I don't do so well myself). They were going to go with friends (NOT with that girl Amanda). They were going to leave early enough to have the time to walk the 3 miles or so. Kayla's new boyfriend works at BK and so they'd get free food once they got there. I told them as long as they stayed out of trouble and brought water with them to keep hydrated, it was okay with me for them to go. At the time it didn't occur to me to tell them that they had to be home by dark, it was nearly 6 hours before it got dark... lots of time.

I'm driving home at 5-ish, I see the kids walking up the street... they had JUST left the house. Okay, so they got a late start.

7-ish Kayla calls home. We WERE going to offer to pick them up, but they are with 6 other friends and we don't have the room for everyone - so I told them to leave NOW and begin the walk back home. Kayla was going to call and see if one of the other girls there could have her mom come and pick them up (they were not looking forward to the looooong walk back). Again, I tell her to EITHER call me right back and tell me to come and pick her up -- or -- walk HOME.

8-ish I called Kayla's boyfriend's cell phone. I'm a little worried, they should have been home by now and it's going to be dark soon. (The boyfriend's name is Oswaldo, but we call him BK because of where he works). Kayla is STILL THERE. I tell her to get out there and start walking N-O-W. Of course, after I hang up I realize it's going to be dark VERY soon, so I hop in the car and figure I'll have to pick up JUST Kayla and Justin while they are walking back. All the other kids will have to figure out on their own how they are getting home.

Driving down the road... I don't see them walking. Drive up to Burger King... who is just SITTING in the restaurant still chatting with friends? Yepper... Kayla and Justin. Oh, and the friend they are not allowed to hang out with, Amanda, is sitting with them (along with a bunch of others). I was FUMING mad.

We go home, and I explain to them what they did wrong. I honestly believe they see nothing wrong with what they did. Guess they didn't realize it was going to be AFTER 9pm had they left whenever the heck they felt like leaving.

We get home, and I'm making dinner (late due to the drama of the day) and I realize that chores are NOT done. Floors, garbage, cat litter, laundry - not done. Everyone had apparently done SOME of their chores, but not all of them. They look at me completely clueless and actually say (with puppy-dog eyes) "I didn't know I had to do that today". What you have to realize about that is that I have a chore-chart printed on the fridge AND upstairs. I shout back "CAN YOU READ?". UGGGG So it's closer to 10 when they actually get to their bedrooms, and closer to 11 before they are asleep. Grrrrrreat.

Speaking of reading... a recent comment I received this morning was great (thank you to whomever you are that posted that!). The only problem is... Julie and her kids DON'T READ. Hardly EVER. Right now Kayte is reading a book that the school is forcing her to read (and she is VERY proud of herself for reading it). Julie hasn't read a book in well over 20 years. And the kids, seeing mom's example, fully believe they can get through life never reading. How do you graduate from HS and never have read a book? Justin is doing a book report right now on "Friday Night Lights", and is using what was in the movie, not in the book. They'll cheat off other kids for reports, or just flip through the book and pull out what they think are factual portions of the book. Course there is always the interent and cut & paste makes having to read and write a thing of the past (with modifications so as not to appear plagarized). For required reading (such as the Diary of Anne Frank) they will read it in class but WITH the class, not take it home and read it themselves. Chris and I were talking about this problem the other day. Julie doesn't have a high school education and she doesn't push her kids to excel either. When the kids come to me with an Algebra problem that I don't know, I either read up and find out how to do it, or I call someone who might know. Julie on the other hand will just throw up her hands and say "You're already smarter than I am, I have no idea!". It's sad really........

Julie just called me on her way into work. She sounds so good... it's so nice to see her clear and drug free. She finally spoke with Karen yesterday (her last day as the kids' DCF worker). Karen said she was going to call me and ask about me sometimes supervising visits. Of course, she never called me, and now she's not working for them any more. Julie also said that they didn't HAVE a new case worker assigned to us yet. Lovely.

How is it possible that I have 3 kids in my care that are technically wards of the State, and yet I've been unable to reach their case worker for over 2 weeks, and now we are left without a case worker? Very very frustrating. I was going to cut & paste the letter to them here, but it's too long and same-old story. I just WISH they would hurry up with the mental health counseling, and I hate the thought of having to explain to someone totally new what's going on. It took Karen 2 months to pick up the file and read it. Sigh.........

Back to the reading subject. I think I'm going to get that book either tonight after work or this weekend. I love the evening study time idea. Of course, with everyone's busy schedules and such we couldn't do it daily, but we could plan once or twice a week to really dive into the book/workbook. Then maybe when we are done with the book we could make that time game night... the kids used to LOVE it when we had a game night. It's just plain good for EVERYONE. :o)

Speaking of good for everyone... if you've noticed the top of my blogs now have links. I actually make MONEY off of those clicks. (Not a lot, I'm nearly up to $3.00 now - LOL) but every little bit helps, right? It's funny because it picks up on keywords in your recent blog and tries to find a match for an advertiser. The other day... when I was having all those problems with Kayte... the links were something to the effect of: "are you an overstressed mom?" and "boot-camps for bad teens". I just found that really funny. I laugh at things quite a bit nowadays. This is good, very good, because it keeps my attitude light and happy.

Funny, the kids just called (Kayla and Justin) wanting to know if they could walk to Ben Hill school now (their school is out) and if they could go to the movies later. I guess they've completely gotten over their issues from yesterday and are now ready to ask for more. Of course I told them "no" on the walking and "maybe" on the movies. He sounded so surprised when I said they couldn't go walking to the school. It's times like this when I wonder... I really wonder... am I going to make a positive difference in these kids lives? Am I giving enough? Do I need to do more? Is it going to make any difference anyways? Sigh........

I'll leave you with this thought on this wonderful Friday:

To excuse what can really produce good excuses is not Christian charity; it is only fairness. To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable, because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you. This is hard. It is perhaps not so hard to forgive a single injury. But to forgive the incessant provocations of daily life -- to keep on forgiving the bossy mother-in-law, the bullying husband, the nagging wife, the selfish daughter, the deceitful son -- how can we do it? Only, I think, by remembering where we stand, by meaning our words when we say in our prayers each night, "Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us." We are offered forgiveness on no other terms. To refuse it means to refuse God's mercy for ourselves. There is no hint of exceptions and God means what He says. - C.S. Lewis