Morals and Visits

So… Let me tell you, before I delve into something not really happy and joyous – how SIMPLY WONDERFUL Julie was at my house on Sunday. We were busy all day re-doing the two bedrooms, moving furniture, painting, grocery shopping, going to the hardware store, doing laundry, steam-cleaning the carpet, cooking dinner , painted a wall downstairs – and Julie must have asked 20 times what she could do to help. It was very nice to have her so involved and asking so often what she could do to pitch in and help. It was very much appreciated.

I had a very uncomfortable conversation last night with Julie. Uncomfortable because it’s something that I don’t WANT to talk about. I want to continue enjoying these good weeks without thinking about much more. I want to just living ‘in the moment’ so to speak.

You see, I’ve been trying not to blog much about Julie on purpose. She has been doing SO well… she really has. I know she is trying really hard. The other day I heard her talking to the kids about her not working too much so that she wasn’t overworked to the point where it put her over the top and back into the mental hospital. I can appreciate that she is trying that hard. She admitted that she still gets depressed… still has good days and bad days, of course. But fact of the matter is – she still has this Diagnosis. She still has Bipolar with Borderline Personality Disorder. Still has periods of time where she hears voices and can’t make them stop. She still Self-Mutilates. She is still a diagnosed “addict”. She will always be these things… and it will always have to be monitored… even when she’s much older, and if she has years of a ‘good history’ behind her… she’ll still have to be mindful of it. It’s not like an alcoholic who simply has to stay away from alchohol (well, not simply, but you know what I mean.) She has a mental condition and will always have this.

What is hard to explain to people is that… it’s almost harder at times when she is doing good. Because I still see LITTLE things. Tiny things. Things I would dare not talk about because I would not want to bring her down when she’s on an upswing. We usually only get a few months with Julie like this. As Gwen once said to DCF, the longest she’s ever seen Julie well was 9 months. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Julie go for a whole 9 months… but then again, things might have been going really well for them when they moved up to Maryland at the time. Who knows. But the little things are still there. Even when Julie is well – her MIND simply does not have the capability of thinking as an ADULT would think. It never has. Her mind still functions as if she were a teenager. And, for the most part, that’s okay. Sometimes it gets frustrating… for example:

There was an incident when we went to the river on Memorial Day. We needed to take 3 cars. Michelle drove one, Julie took hers, and we took the Durango. Julie had FOUR kids in the car with her. We gave Julie a MAP, printed DIRECTIONS and she had her cell phone. Additionally, several of the kids in the car with her had cell phones. We are driving down the interstate, doing maybe 60 mph… Chris in front, Michelle behind us, then Julie behind her. I look and I don’t see Julie. Where is Julie? Well, Julie is RIGHT on Michelle’s BUMPER. Like, ONE CAR LENGTH BACK. 60 MPH, and ONE car length back. The WHOLE TRIP. Michelle was TERRIFIED the whole time… and did her best to NEVER slow down. God forbid something jump in the road or something, Julie would have had NO time to break.

At one point, when we couldn’t take it anymore… we pulled off the road into a convenience store. Michelle and I both JUMPED out of the car and went RUNNING to her window to YELL at her. Chris was yelling too. It was bad enough to just follow that close…. But to do so with FOUR precious lives in the car with you – there was just no excuse. Speaking of excues – her excuse for following that close? “I didn’t want to get LOST” With that, Amanda said: “You had PRINTED DIRECTIONS, A MAP, AND A FREAKING CELL PHONE!” That’s my daughter. We’re not talking about leaving her behind a few blocks, we’re just asking for a few car lengths. SAFE, LEGAL distance is all.

The other thing that jumps to the front of my mind is the guy from Miami that was going to MOVE IN with her when she got her new apartment. See, Julie HATES to be alone. I’ve said before that she’s a sex addict, but she’s also just... lonely. She likes to BE with someone. She likes having someone there, even if that someone treats her like crap and STEALS from her. (Arthur!) Some guys treat her that way… steal from her over and over and over again, and she just keeps having them come back – over and over and over again. I don’t get it. Anyways – she met this guy on the Internet from Miami. She belongs to several dating sites, probably where she met him. She decided to let him move in with her so that she wouldn’t be lonely. Mind you – she has NEVER MET HIM. Well… apparently now things have changed and he’s not moving in with her, but still – what kind of a person think’s that it’s a good idea to move someone in that you have NEVER MET BEFORE? Scary stuff, let me tell ya.

But there are tiny little things too… not just big things. Little things that remind me that she’s just not well. Like… the kids birthdays are coming up in two weeks. Julie, being their mom and working now, went out and bought them presents. This is GREAT for her, and VERY thoughtful. She bought them bathing suits, again – thoughtful. But Julie, being in the ‘teenage’ state of mind, couldn’t possibly wait until their birthdays… she wanted to give them their presents right away. This ended up being okay because it is summer and they could use them early anyways. But Julie has also always been like this, she’s rarely been able to buy a gift and keep it until the time when it’s supposed to be given. It’s just – the way it is… the way it’s always been.

These are just some examples that come to my mind of the little things that I don’t talk about and keep to myself when she’s being really good.

Okay, so more to the point of what I started with here… the uncomfortable conversation….

Julie tells me that she’s going to go to the courthouse and ask for unsupervised visits and overnight visits. How do I feel about that?

How do I feel about that?

I feel sick about that. But how do I tell JULIE that without hurting her?

I know what Julie wanted me to say. She wanted me to say that I thought it was a great thing for her to do... that she should absolutely go and get the court's blessing for unsupervised visits and overnight visits. It's just not that easy. My mind thinks WAY longer than just the last 3, 6, 9 months or even the last year. My mind thinks big picture... long term... down the road as well as past history. The full history and the big picture.

Here’s my concern….

Right now – Julie is doing well. But – this is just the time when she’s doing well. History – a VERY LONG HISTORY has shown us that she WILL get depressed again. She will hurt herself again. She will overdose again. She will abuse medications again. This isn’t a “What if”… it’s a “WHEN”. It WILL happen. She has been doing it since she was a KID.

Even IF she can tell the courts that she’s been clean for 6 months… does that negate a twenty something year history of abuse? REALLY?

If the courts give her unsupervised visits and OVERNIGHT visits (which is what I have the most concern with) – this will be HORRIBLE when she is back in a depressed / overdosed / abusing state. What am I supposed to do then?

What I kind of like about the set-up now is that I don’t have to be the “bad guy” and be the one to tell Julie “no” when she asks if she can go somewhere with the kids. Although – truth be told – when she is doing THIS well, and she asks if she can bring them to McDonalds or drive them to Church or something – I do tell her that she can do it. But, the court order, as it’s written, makes it so that I don’t HAVE to be ‘the bad guy’, ya know?

But, I would totally and completely object to Julie having overnight visits at this point. Should she try to get overnight visits I’d have to bring up a lot of stuff that I don’t want to bring up. The fact that she would even ENTERTAIN the thought of someone moving in with her that she didn’t know. The fact that a year ago the police were investigating her for solicating a young man on the internet. Turned out he was 18, but – eww. He was only 18, and Kayla – her daughter - at one time was dating his TWIN BROTHER! Additionally, he was mentally handicapped. There are so many examples of how she just doesn’t think like an adult. Not totally WRONG, as Julie often points out – not like it was illegal or anything… just… not like a rational adult. Julie could always say some of this is ‘old’… but again, we’re talking a long history of abuse and mental illness – a few months of being ‘good’ doesn’t mean that she’s ‘better’ by any means.

I’m not sure how I’d feel about unsupervised visits… I’d have to wait and see how I feel down the road a bit. Right NOW, I wouldn’t MIND her taking them to the movies or to dinner alone. She will always be mentally ill and at the same time, she will always be their mom. So, as long as she’s having GOOD days – I’d be open to, with the court’s approval (or maybe without it if I could get away with it and not risk losing the kids), allowing Julie to take them out to dinner or out to a movie. Again, when she’s doing really well and having these good periods of time. But – what I don’t like about that is that it puts me in the middle of having to be the one to determine WHEN those “good times” are. Of determining when she calls and she’s slurring and she says she’s “just tired” and I know she’s lying and I have to be the one to call her on it… I have to call her a liar and tell her she can’t take them out to dinner. THAT would be difficult.

Oh, I almost forgot to tell you – in our uncomfortable conversation – she mentioned that she didn’t consider the kids to be “kids” anymore if they had… well… sex. I find this VERY odd that Julie would feel this way and that she would keep bringing it up (she has said it on more than one occasion to me). I asked her WHY she keeps saying that. She said that – in her mind – once you have “done it”, you are no longer a KID, you are an adult. All grown up.

I told her that I felt the COMPLETE OPPOSITE. That… I felt that a KID who chose to have intercourse, in particular IF they chose to have it at a young age, needed their PARENTAL GUIDANCE then more than EVER. They needed to NOT be abandoned and left to be treated like an adult… they needed the wisdom and guidance of their adults and parents THEN MORE THAN EVER in their lives. The LAST THING THEY NEEDED was for their mom to just say… That’s it… you are an adult now. SEE YA!

I just don’t get it!

There again, that is the difference in our parental style of raising kids I suppose, now isn’t it?

Which bring up an interesting point. What IS IT with parents today?

This teenager has a mother who actually LET her have this dress MADE for her high school prom… then let her WEAR IT…

Mind you – there IS an actual DRESS CODE… and enforced DRESS CODE at school functions. I don’t know what part of this dress the mother or the daughter thought this dress might pass dress code – the top that just BARELY covers her or the bottoms that barely cover her.

What are we doing as parents today? Are we raising moral children?

Speaking of children… I have to run. Justin just got in from playing “manhunt” with the neighborhood kids. It night time and he was running between some trees and hit some fishing wire strung up between two trees – and really hurt his face. I need to take care of him.

Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers.

About morals, I know only that what is moral is what you feel good after and what is immoral is what you feel bad after. Ernest Hemingway