Tina's Daily Blog: Answered Prayers

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Answered Prayers

Julie and I went to court this morning for Julie's request of unsupervised visits. The more I think about it... I believe that the outcome was the best thing for the kids.

We went to court at 9:30 this morning and waited a LONG time. When we went in, Julie stated that she had been out of the hospital for a 10 month period of time and that she deserved unsupervised visits. He asked me how I felt about it and I told him that I agreed that she certainly could have unsupervised visits. I explained that there were many times that I - or any family member - could tell when Julie was not well... and that during those times... she shouldn't be able to take them. But when she is doing well... she could be just fine with them. The district attorney did a GREAT job of saying what it was that I was feeling. She told the judge that she recommended that Julie be given unsupervised visits at my complete discretion.

One thing that was kind of weird is that Julie told the judge that Justin was 17 and Kayte was 16. They are not... Justin is 16 and Kayte is 15. Sure... they have a birthday later this year, but when he asked how old they were now... she said they were older. I told the judge their actual ages and that their birthdays were in late June. I think she did that so that the kids would seem older in the judges eyes, but I don't know exactly why.

We then talked about some difficult stuff. The Doctor from Hillsborough Kids stated that he had concerns after reading Julie's discharge summary from her recent bakers act in Tampa General. In that summary he said that, among other things, Julie would self medicate. We then explained to the judge what her mental conditions were. I also told him that my other concern that I wanted to mention was that - even when she was doing well, she didn't think and rationalize consequences of her actions as an adult. Not because she was being mean or hard-headed, but often times she just isn't capable of that level of reasoning.

There were two times when I thought the judge was going to stop and not allow any visitations what-so-ever... one when I told him about her lack of reasoning skills and two when he heard what was in her discharge paperwork from TGH.

The funny thing is... what I prayed would happen is that I would give my opinion, Julie give her opinion, and the judge takes all of that and makes a determination that is solely based on the best interest of the kids. I now believe that is exactly what happened.

Julie is allowed to see the kids unsupervised for a maximum of 3 hours, however, she is never allowed to drive with them and she must have her visits in a public place. Julie nor I were expecting these stipulations. Julie at one point said "Sir, I am a very good driver." The judge just replied "I don't care, with the amount of medication you take, you are not driving with the kids." When he talked about the public place, Julie was very upset. She really wanted to take the kids back to her apartment. The judge just said no... that she had to take them someplace public such as the mall, a park, the movies, McDonald's, the Zoo, etc. Julie said she didn't have money to take them to those kinds of places, and he named several places, such as a park, that she could take the kids to for free.

I've been pretty shocked about the outcome all day. However, I now think that this was the answer to my prayers. The judge certainly didn't do exactly what I wanted him to do... he took the information and did what he thought best.

So, that was our day in court.

The kid's grandma and grandpa (Ron's mom and dad) came down this last weekend. It was a great visit... Friday we had dinner at Olive Garden - 20 family members for Kayla's birthday. Gwen decided not to get Kayla a car just yet. We found out the insurance was going to be very expensive and Kayla really needs to save up for that. Saturday Gwen took Kayla to try to get her license, but the place was closed so they all went to the mall. We had dinner Saturday night - 10 of us around the table. The on Sunday my mom came over and we had a late lunch (11 of us). It was a busy weekend, but I know the kids loved seeing Gwen and Coley.

Chris has been working SO HARD, it's unreal. He left for work at 8pm on Sunday night and worked all night and all the next day and came home about 10pm on Monday. He looked HORRIBLE when he got home... dragging tail for sure. Tuesday morning he was back out at the crack of dawn and didn't get home again until after 10pm. He did the same thing today and will be working again until late tonight. Poor guy. Although he LOVES what he is doing. He's standing in as the General Contractor on a remodel of a big chain bookstore. It's only a week of work - a very LONG week with long hours - but he's enjoying it. If nothing else, he absolutely knows he wants to get his license to become a contractor. I'm great with that, as long as he doesn't always work those long hours. I miss him!

My chorus is going SUPER well. I joined and was made tenor section leader immediately. I love that... the respect I get from the section and leaders of the chorus. We were just riser placed... which is a really big deal in our chorus. My FAVORITE spot is in the middle of the chorus with the three other parts around me - no other Tenors. I was a little worried they wouldn't put me in the middle. They usually put the tenors in little 'pods' on the sides, but they have done that before and just put me in the middle, which was AWESOME. We have another tenor in the chorus who has WON an international quartet contest as a tenor... so surely she'd go there. Well, they put her in the middle - as well as me. We have a bass singing between us, and I'm surrounded by all three other parts - LOVE it. I'm trying to deal with the fact that I am going to pick and choose what competitions I go to... like - I'm not going to go to Regional competition in April, but I am going to the International competition in October. I just love singing with them and feel so blessed to be a part of the group.

Well, I should run for tonight. I have to start dinner, take Kayte to work at church, then pick her up and bring her to her school, and somewhere in there finish cooking dinner and eat. Need to get started now to get done in time.

Thank you all for your prayers! It means the world!

"Your living is determined not so much by what life brings you as by the attitude you bring to life; not so much by what happens to you as by the way your mind looks at what happens."
-Lewis L. Dunnington-

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In A Nutshell:

Here is a letter I sent to Dr. Phil which really sums everything up:
I am married to my high-school sweetheart (20 years this August), with two wonderful children (Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13). I have two sisters, both younger – I call them “my good sister” and “my bad sister”. My good sister is – well, good! Normal in every way. The bad one, Julie, has been in trouble since she was a kid. As a baby she cried all of the time. As a teenager she was in trouble all of the time. At the age of 14 or so I remember that she had run away from home to live with a grown man in Atlanta. This was one of many run a ways. As a teenager, she provided sexual favors to boys in school, as well as teachers. As a young adult she was arrested for prostitution. She’s done drugs ranging from marijuana to crack. She was diagnosed early on as bi-polar with personality disorder. She’s also a serious cutter to the point where she no longer hid the cuts. She’s cut things like “Ronald Cecchinni” into her arm… and “Fuck you Dr. XXX” on her stomach, in large letters. Julie is also a diagnosed sex-addict. She’s also recently (in the past year) begun ‘huffing’. (I honestly believe that this huffing has caused some permanent damage) She is currently 36yo.
Julie lost her husband Ron a year and a half ago as a result of Leukemia and Kidney Disease which the military attributed to his serving in the Gulf War. He left behind three children – Kayla who is now 15, Justin who is now 14 and Kayte who is now 13. Even when Julie was married, her psychiatric problems persisted. She has been hospitalized literally hundreds of times over the years. However, when her husband was alive, he would take care of the kids when Julie was mentally out of control. After Ron died, Julie lost control of the kids and her life. She began to spiral out of control, having pot parties at her home (to the point where the kids said a door would open and a cloud of smoke would come bellowing out of the room), smoking weed with her own kids, having sex all over the house with different men all the time, allowing young men (19 yo) to sleep over with her oldest daughter (only 14 at the time), and allowing Gang members to live in her home (she said she felt ‘safe’ with them there). In addition, she was attempting suicide daily, overdosing on medications hoping to not wake up the next morning. Mind you all of this while she was seeing her Psychologist every week and Psychiatrist once a month. Both of these Doctors knew what was going on at home, neither of them reported it to the proper authorities. I have even been told by one of them that he was told, by Julie, that she ‘heard voices telling her to hurt the children’ but that she was proud that she could ignore the voices. Still, these Doctors reported nothing.
I should add here that it was at some point in this period of time in Julie’s life when her children began suicide watches over their mom… each one taking turns to sit in a room with her at all hours (night and day) because their mom was less-likely to hurt herself while they were here. However, it didn’t always work – Julie constantly took pills in front of them trying to either dope herself up or overdose, and she would even cut herself in front of the kids.
Finally one day, she woke up furious that her last suicide attempt didn’t work. She got violent with her oldest daughter, police were called, and finally DCF was called. (I would like to add that we (other family members) had called DCF in the past to report things, but some of the cases were ‘unfounded’ and one other time the fled the state knowing CF only had jurisdiction in Florida.) DCF removed the children from the home in November 2005 and I gained custody of the Children shortly thereafter.
There are lots of things I could add here about my sister, DCF, and the horrible Foster Care or Custodial Care program we are involved with. However, that is not my main reason for writing to you.
Kayte, the youngest, seems to be adjusting pretty well. She has a tendency to trivialize what her mom has done and the seriousness of it, but I think that is normal given that it is her mom. Kayte was in counseling, but she feels it’s ‘a waste of time’.
Justin, the middle child, is okay. As a young boy I'm told he was a terror. He used to hit his mother and at one point (only 6yo) tried to jump off a building to kill himself. Since then, his anger has turned in to an endless smothering of love and caring. He does everything for his mom… from getting her whatever she needs to rubbing her feet and back. Justin has seen a psychiatrist since moving in with me who felt that his issues were brought on by trauma. It was also at that visit with the psychiatrist that he confided in myself and the Doctor that he had suicidal thoughts often while living at home with his mom in her ‘state of being’ after his dad died. However, since he moved in with me he has done so much better (and continues to improve daily) that she didn’t feel he even needed counseling at this time. He would, however, need counseling before he was reunited with his mom.
Kayla, the oldest, has serious issues. She is also currently in counseling but feels that it is ‘a waste of time’. Kayla has always lied and stolen things. Family members feel sorry for her because you can tell that she doesn’t really mean any ill will by it, but it’s been ‘the way she is’ for a very long time. By far her biggest problems are lying and her need for approval by men (young and old).
Since the kids have moved in with us, my husband and I have set up rules. The kids already had myspace accounts, so we set ground rules for it. 1) We needed the login names and passwords. 2) Profiles must be set to private. 3) The only people they were allowed to have on their friends list was people that they actually knew. When Kayla’s list climbed over 300, and she was found to have inappropriate conversations (wanting to sneak out and ‘hook up’ with young men), we made everyone cut their list down to 30 friends, which included myself. 4) All vulgar language and inappropriate photos would come off immediately and would be monitored by myself at any given time. At times, they try to put up ‘sexy’ pictures which immediately need to come down.
However recently I have found that she has multiple website things going on in an attempt to pick up young men. I'll outline a few here so that you understand the gravity of the situation: 1) I found her 'normal' myspace account set to 'public view'. She has over 11,000 profile views(meaning people looking at her pictures and wanting to know more about her). I had reset it to private many times, but she keeps going back and resetting it to public. 2) I have found another myspace account which she went by the name 'Shannon' and used it to pick up young men, tease them, then later tell them that she was 'taken' but refer them to her 'cousin, Kayla'. She'd then give them all of Kayla's information. Of course thiswas also set to public. 3) I have found another social network website that was like myspace in which she had ONLY men (mostly from other states) as her 'friends' whom she corresponded with. The emails back and forth basically said the same thing as all of the others... more on that in #4 - only these were guys that not only did she not know, but they were not even in the area! 4) All accounts that I have found had basically the same thing... her emailing guys wanting to know if she was pretty, if they wanted to 'hook up', talking about going to their 'crib' or meeting up with them somewhere, and constantly seeking approval and affirmation from these guys.
I believe she gets this from her mom. And the sad thing is, if you met her, you would love her. She is truly a GREAT kid… but she has serious issues. I’ve described to you Julie’s behavior and Kayla’s seems to be the same way. Neither can make decisions on their own that are ‘the right thing to do’, and both lack the understanding of simple values, morals and ethics. I could go into so many examples. How do I describe the utterly amazing difference between Julie’s parenting style and my own?
I know... Both Julie and I have myspace accounts set up to ‘monitor’ the kids. To illustrate the difference between Julie and myself, here is something that Julie and I both put on our myspace accounts. You are supposed to put something 'about yourself' by your picture. Here is mine: "I'm 38 years old. I have two amazing kids, Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13. I have great husband, Chris. I love to sing - and have been singing in Toast of Tampa Show Chorus for 10 years. I'm raising my nieces and nephew (12, 13 and 14). I love God and my family."And here is Julie's: "I am who I am and if you dont like me for me........FUCK YOU........ Plus if you dont like me for me....... Im gunna tell my kids and there gunna kick yer ass!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Here’s the other dilemma we are having; the two girls are in counseling that is costing me $25 EACH in co-payments every time they go. The State of Florida provides NO financial support to me as a relative caregiver, other than providing the three kids with Medicaid. They received small SSI checks because of their dad’s death, but it barely covers the food they consume. The DCF worker, having spoke with the girls and being told that therapy is ‘a waste of time’, has referred me to a clinic that DCF uses for cases such as this to seek mental care for Kayla (aswell as the others). However, the kids have TriCare as their primary insurance because their dad died from Military causes. TriCare requires the co-payment, regardless of the Medicaid secondary. Having said that, please understand that I worked in referrals in a primary care physician’s office for 16 years… I totally ‘get’ what is required for primary and secondary insurances and all the red tape. But because of the uniqueness of this situation, the kids are suffering!
I should also point out here that I have the kids for an indefinite period of time. Right now Julie is doing things that she has been told to do to get the kids back. However, she is still awaiting a court ordered detailed Psychiatric exam to determine if she can EVER parent again. Even if that Psychiatrist feels she can parent again, she’ll most likely need to be ‘clean’ and ‘episode-free’ for 6 months to a year minimum. In addition, Julie is only allowed supervised visits and one phone call a day. This came about because of her inappropriate behavior when she was with the kids and because when she was allowed to call any time she’d call 10 + times a day.
The other problem with Julie ever getting her children back is that… she doesn’t understand what she did wrong. She parents as if she were 15-years old herself. If anyone has ever done something bad and been able to ‘keep’ their kids, she sees no reason she can’t do it. She brought her daughter at the age of 13 in for a HUGE tattoo on the small of her back. It’s Tigger flipping ‘the bird’ with her gang name under it. She was also planning on getting a large tattoo on her 12yo before the kids were taken. Again, she sees nothing wrong with any of her past behavior.
So, you see, I could have these children for the rest of their teenage years. I honestly don’t know where to turn to get them the help they need.
I feel as if I am in a psychiatric nightmare and I just can’t wake up. Eight months ago I was at home, my biggest ‘kid worry’ was if my son was going to get good grades on his report card. Now I find myself in a crux worried about whether or not the lessons I teach them, this late in their young life, are going to be enough to turn these kids around and help them to be productive adults in the near future.

Tina's Daily Blog

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Answered Prayers

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