Tina's Daily Blog: Fight With Julie

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Fight With Julie

Well.... I took all that I could take and I finally exploded yesterday on Julie. I feel kinda bad about it.... reiterate the "kind-of" there. She wrote me a note telling me how much she appreciated me taking the kids and not allowing them to go to Foster Homes or to a group home.... and told me this: "My life is in your hands". This came on top of a dozen emails (with pictures) telling me what a wonderful time she's having in Los Angeles. Yeah... I let her have it alright.

I sent her this... (among other things): ** warning - what you are about to read is not very Christian of me... it's a heartfelt open letter to my sister**

Frankly I'm torn as to how I feel about you traipsing up to LA... I'm here working my ass off all day to pay for everything your kids need... while you are either at home on your ass chatting all day or off playing around with your friend in LA. You keep looking for FREE parenting classes... while I pay $75 every time your three kids go to therapy (every other week or every 3 weeks). You have no problem asking your 'friend' for money to fly you up to LA and for all your expenses once there, but you won't ask for money to go to parenting classes or for the food that you said you so badly needed. Priorities Julie. I know you think you are 'working hard' to get them back... well... what happened to the long term treatment? Have you completely, 100% distanced yourself from all the trash that lives in your neighborhood that your kids used to get into trouble with? If it's so hard because they 'live in your neighborhood' then for goodness sake... MOVE. Sell your house, take the equity and profit and buy something else in a different neighborhood. Did you know that the High School Kayla and Justin were supposed to go to is an F school? Meaning, they don't teach shit and they are on probation with the state of Florida for being so horrible. Move somewhere with better schools. Your kids are going to have scholarships for college thanks to Ron... if you want them to have ANY chance in college, they at least need a good high school experience (learning wise, not friends wise). These are things that responsible parents think about. Have you looked to see how your kids schools are rated? Did you keep in contact (via phone, email, or in person) with your kids teachers, guidance counselors and principal? (Not just when they are in trouble)

I'm upset. Upset that you keep thinking I've done you some favor... and I really don't want to think of it that way, because if I did... then I WOULD be pissed off. I've got my hands 100% completely full. Kayla with boys... Kayte with friends... Justin with other things... and of course bills (electric is now up to over $300 a month, water is up to $170, and I just spent $600 at a discount grocery store buying enough food for these growing kids who eat as if they have tapeworms). You writing me from LA thanking me for doing this for you is not really what I want right now.

So... I just got off the phone with Karen (DCF lady). She honestly believes Julie will never get the kids back again. She thinks that even entertaining a conversation in which Julie is discussing what's going to happen when she gets the kids back is fruitless and should be avoided. There is one Doctor she's trying to set up an assessment with, and she's left him no less than 3 messages this past week trying to set up an appointment. But again... the slow-moving wheels of 'the system'. This is the expensive, long and very detailed assessment that will tell the courts once and for all if Julie will or will not be able to parent - ever. The very thought of that makes me want to vomit. Not because of the kids... I've come to realize we will most likely have these kids the rest of their teenage lives. But it will devistate Julie. And... she's my sister, ya know? Karen just kept saying that Julie "Just doesn't get it". Sigh....

So more on the kids being gone away to camp. I've still not called the camp to check on the kids. Everyone keeps telling me not to do it. But I'm dying inside without them... I just want to hear from Jonathan telling me if he's having a good time or not. For what reason I've no idea whatsoever... I fully realize that there's nothing I can do if he's not having a good time. But then again... who goes to camp their first time and doesn't have a good time???? LOL

So - I went to chorus last night (Toast of Tampa) - and finally joined! Funny... like 2 minutes after handing in my check I was given my first job. LOL. But I just love working for them... doing things within the chorus and keeping busy. I'll be entering music using Finale for now... but I'm sure other jobs will come along and I'm excited to get them!

Oh, and about the Church choir. Well... they are auditioning for their praise team, which Chris and I have been wanting to join since we first stepped foot into the church. But I don't know... maybe they don't want us, maybe we're not what they are looking for. Plus... there's the whole auditioning thing. I mean, I auditioned for Toast of Tampa - but live... in front of people... with a microphone... alone????? Oh good Lord. I don't know that I can. Stand with a group of 4 or 6 or whatever and rock the house... yes. But... all alone??? And I have to go and get a soundtrack to sing along with. Alone. Chris really wants to do it. And... I'm ready to be a part of the praise team if that's what the church wants of me... but ready to audition.... alone? Can you tell the all alone part is what's killing me here?? I mean, I don't have a solo voice, I know I don't. I can sing the snot out of barbershop - lift - ring - forward motion - no problem. But a solo... alone.... yeah, I'm having definate fright issues with this. Pray for me... pray that I'll make the right decision on what to do with this one.

More later! Please continue to pray for all of us.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...: Ha ha ha ha!!!

Don't worry Jason, if you pass out and Tina is singing, you'll have a soft place to land because she would have hit the floor first.

Just kidding honey. Love ya.; 10:31 AM
asdfasdfasdf said...: My sister and I are ages 20 and 18. I'm 20, she's 18. Bi-polar runs in our family. I've shown very few signs of bi-polar where my sister has full blown bi-polar. Last year, she had 2 children, twins, a boy and a girl. For most of our lives we fought constantly because she's a kronic liar and she's always messing up. She lost her virginity when she was 12, started smoking when she was 11, and started drinking only God knows when. Our parents weren't the best role models because they had us before they were ready to be adults.

I'm worried that my sisters children will grow up and be just like her if they don't get taken away from her. I hate it. And I hate her. We got in a fight a couple days ago because I guess I'm always talking about how good my relationship with my husband is. I don't try to sound that way. But she was calling me everyday telling me about how much she was fighting with her boyfriend. I thought she was trying to reach out for some advice. I thought wrong. She turned everything around on me, just like she has done many times in the past. She sent me many mean emails. She's just stupid. And now she says I can't see the kids again. They're not mine, but I still love them and worry about them.

I know on some level where you are coming from with this stuff going on with your sister.

I'm praying for you and me both.; 10:53 AM

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In A Nutshell:

Here is a letter I sent to Dr. Phil which really sums everything up:
I am married to my high-school sweetheart (20 years this August), with two wonderful children (Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13). I have two sisters, both younger – I call them “my good sister” and “my bad sister”. My good sister is – well, good! Normal in every way. The bad one, Julie, has been in trouble since she was a kid. As a baby she cried all of the time. As a teenager she was in trouble all of the time. At the age of 14 or so I remember that she had run away from home to live with a grown man in Atlanta. This was one of many run a ways. As a teenager, she provided sexual favors to boys in school, as well as teachers. As a young adult she was arrested for prostitution. She’s done drugs ranging from marijuana to crack. She was diagnosed early on as bi-polar with personality disorder. She’s also a serious cutter to the point where she no longer hid the cuts. She’s cut things like “Ronald Cecchinni” into her arm… and “Fuck you Dr. XXX” on her stomach, in large letters. Julie is also a diagnosed sex-addict. She’s also recently (in the past year) begun ‘huffing’. (I honestly believe that this huffing has caused some permanent damage) She is currently 36yo.
Julie lost her husband Ron a year and a half ago as a result of Leukemia and Kidney Disease which the military attributed to his serving in the Gulf War. He left behind three children – Kayla who is now 15, Justin who is now 14 and Kayte who is now 13. Even when Julie was married, her psychiatric problems persisted. She has been hospitalized literally hundreds of times over the years. However, when her husband was alive, he would take care of the kids when Julie was mentally out of control. After Ron died, Julie lost control of the kids and her life. She began to spiral out of control, having pot parties at her home (to the point where the kids said a door would open and a cloud of smoke would come bellowing out of the room), smoking weed with her own kids, having sex all over the house with different men all the time, allowing young men (19 yo) to sleep over with her oldest daughter (only 14 at the time), and allowing Gang members to live in her home (she said she felt ‘safe’ with them there). In addition, she was attempting suicide daily, overdosing on medications hoping to not wake up the next morning. Mind you all of this while she was seeing her Psychologist every week and Psychiatrist once a month. Both of these Doctors knew what was going on at home, neither of them reported it to the proper authorities. I have even been told by one of them that he was told, by Julie, that she ‘heard voices telling her to hurt the children’ but that she was proud that she could ignore the voices. Still, these Doctors reported nothing.
I should add here that it was at some point in this period of time in Julie’s life when her children began suicide watches over their mom… each one taking turns to sit in a room with her at all hours (night and day) because their mom was less-likely to hurt herself while they were here. However, it didn’t always work – Julie constantly took pills in front of them trying to either dope herself up or overdose, and she would even cut herself in front of the kids.
Finally one day, she woke up furious that her last suicide attempt didn’t work. She got violent with her oldest daughter, police were called, and finally DCF was called. (I would like to add that we (other family members) had called DCF in the past to report things, but some of the cases were ‘unfounded’ and one other time the fled the state knowing CF only had jurisdiction in Florida.) DCF removed the children from the home in November 2005 and I gained custody of the Children shortly thereafter.
There are lots of things I could add here about my sister, DCF, and the horrible Foster Care or Custodial Care program we are involved with. However, that is not my main reason for writing to you.
Kayte, the youngest, seems to be adjusting pretty well. She has a tendency to trivialize what her mom has done and the seriousness of it, but I think that is normal given that it is her mom. Kayte was in counseling, but she feels it’s ‘a waste of time’.
Justin, the middle child, is okay. As a young boy I'm told he was a terror. He used to hit his mother and at one point (only 6yo) tried to jump off a building to kill himself. Since then, his anger has turned in to an endless smothering of love and caring. He does everything for his mom… from getting her whatever she needs to rubbing her feet and back. Justin has seen a psychiatrist since moving in with me who felt that his issues were brought on by trauma. It was also at that visit with the psychiatrist that he confided in myself and the Doctor that he had suicidal thoughts often while living at home with his mom in her ‘state of being’ after his dad died. However, since he moved in with me he has done so much better (and continues to improve daily) that she didn’t feel he even needed counseling at this time. He would, however, need counseling before he was reunited with his mom.
Kayla, the oldest, has serious issues. She is also currently in counseling but feels that it is ‘a waste of time’. Kayla has always lied and stolen things. Family members feel sorry for her because you can tell that she doesn’t really mean any ill will by it, but it’s been ‘the way she is’ for a very long time. By far her biggest problems are lying and her need for approval by men (young and old).
Since the kids have moved in with us, my husband and I have set up rules. The kids already had myspace accounts, so we set ground rules for it. 1) We needed the login names and passwords. 2) Profiles must be set to private. 3) The only people they were allowed to have on their friends list was people that they actually knew. When Kayla’s list climbed over 300, and she was found to have inappropriate conversations (wanting to sneak out and ‘hook up’ with young men), we made everyone cut their list down to 30 friends, which included myself. 4) All vulgar language and inappropriate photos would come off immediately and would be monitored by myself at any given time. At times, they try to put up ‘sexy’ pictures which immediately need to come down.
However recently I have found that she has multiple website things going on in an attempt to pick up young men. I'll outline a few here so that you understand the gravity of the situation: 1) I found her 'normal' myspace account set to 'public view'. She has over 11,000 profile views(meaning people looking at her pictures and wanting to know more about her). I had reset it to private many times, but she keeps going back and resetting it to public. 2) I have found another myspace account which she went by the name 'Shannon' and used it to pick up young men, tease them, then later tell them that she was 'taken' but refer them to her 'cousin, Kayla'. She'd then give them all of Kayla's information. Of course thiswas also set to public. 3) I have found another social network website that was like myspace in which she had ONLY men (mostly from other states) as her 'friends' whom she corresponded with. The emails back and forth basically said the same thing as all of the others... more on that in #4 - only these were guys that not only did she not know, but they were not even in the area! 4) All accounts that I have found had basically the same thing... her emailing guys wanting to know if she was pretty, if they wanted to 'hook up', talking about going to their 'crib' or meeting up with them somewhere, and constantly seeking approval and affirmation from these guys.
I believe she gets this from her mom. And the sad thing is, if you met her, you would love her. She is truly a GREAT kid… but she has serious issues. I’ve described to you Julie’s behavior and Kayla’s seems to be the same way. Neither can make decisions on their own that are ‘the right thing to do’, and both lack the understanding of simple values, morals and ethics. I could go into so many examples. How do I describe the utterly amazing difference between Julie’s parenting style and my own?
I know... Both Julie and I have myspace accounts set up to ‘monitor’ the kids. To illustrate the difference between Julie and myself, here is something that Julie and I both put on our myspace accounts. You are supposed to put something 'about yourself' by your picture. Here is mine: "I'm 38 years old. I have two amazing kids, Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13. I have great husband, Chris. I love to sing - and have been singing in Toast of Tampa Show Chorus for 10 years. I'm raising my nieces and nephew (12, 13 and 14). I love God and my family."And here is Julie's: "I am who I am and if you dont like me for me........FUCK YOU........ Plus if you dont like me for me....... Im gunna tell my kids and there gunna kick yer ass!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Here’s the other dilemma we are having; the two girls are in counseling that is costing me $25 EACH in co-payments every time they go. The State of Florida provides NO financial support to me as a relative caregiver, other than providing the three kids with Medicaid. They received small SSI checks because of their dad’s death, but it barely covers the food they consume. The DCF worker, having spoke with the girls and being told that therapy is ‘a waste of time’, has referred me to a clinic that DCF uses for cases such as this to seek mental care for Kayla (aswell as the others). However, the kids have TriCare as their primary insurance because their dad died from Military causes. TriCare requires the co-payment, regardless of the Medicaid secondary. Having said that, please understand that I worked in referrals in a primary care physician’s office for 16 years… I totally ‘get’ what is required for primary and secondary insurances and all the red tape. But because of the uniqueness of this situation, the kids are suffering!
I should also point out here that I have the kids for an indefinite period of time. Right now Julie is doing things that she has been told to do to get the kids back. However, she is still awaiting a court ordered detailed Psychiatric exam to determine if she can EVER parent again. Even if that Psychiatrist feels she can parent again, she’ll most likely need to be ‘clean’ and ‘episode-free’ for 6 months to a year minimum. In addition, Julie is only allowed supervised visits and one phone call a day. This came about because of her inappropriate behavior when she was with the kids and because when she was allowed to call any time she’d call 10 + times a day.
The other problem with Julie ever getting her children back is that… she doesn’t understand what she did wrong. She parents as if she were 15-years old herself. If anyone has ever done something bad and been able to ‘keep’ their kids, she sees no reason she can’t do it. She brought her daughter at the age of 13 in for a HUGE tattoo on the small of her back. It’s Tigger flipping ‘the bird’ with her gang name under it. She was also planning on getting a large tattoo on her 12yo before the kids were taken. Again, she sees nothing wrong with any of her past behavior.
So, you see, I could have these children for the rest of their teenage years. I honestly don’t know where to turn to get them the help they need.
I feel as if I am in a psychiatric nightmare and I just can’t wake up. Eight months ago I was at home, my biggest ‘kid worry’ was if my son was going to get good grades on his report card. Now I find myself in a crux worried about whether or not the lessons I teach them, this late in their young life, are going to be enough to turn these kids around and help them to be productive adults in the near future.

Tina's Daily Blog

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Fight With Julie

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