Tina's Daily Blog: Out Of School Suspension

Friday, November 30, 2007

Out Of School Suspension

I was on my first of two vacation days yesterday... relaxing at home, putting up Christmas decorations in the yard - when the phone rang early afternoon. It was the school. An assistant principal. He said he was not calling with good news.

This can't be good I thought.

I went inside to sit down.

He proceeds to tell me that Jonathan was being suspended, out of school, for 10 days, for cursing at a school administrator. WHAT?????????????

Jonathan????????

Here's what happened....

Jonathan was already tired yesterday. He got in late after singing at Epcot with the chorus (school business). Running late, he missed breakfast. During one of his early periods, he was playing around with some friends and accidentally hit a wall. Not fighting or anything, just playing around. It was his left hand, which he writes with. His knuckle is incredibly swollen, he thinks it's broken. Great. Goes to the school nurse who tells him to ice it and he'd have to get an xray to be sure and sends him back to class. At PE, the coach says something to him about having a fight with a wall and the wall winning - everyone laughs - Jonathan is embarrassed. Bad day!! Ugg. Then in math, he has a pop quiz. His hand hurts... he's frazzled... he FAILS the quiz. But, math comes very easy to Jonathan. He gets A's on EVERY math test he ever takes. He is very upset that he has failed this math test. Very upset.

Then comes lunch. When you have free lunch, you give them a number and they punch it in and the computer tells the lunch lady you are good to go. For some reason yesterday, the computer wasn't working correctly. His lunch number wasn't working - 20 kids had to keep going past Jonathan as she kept trying to re-enter his number over and over again to see if it would work. Then he finally gets it to work and goes to sit down. Ten kids and Jonathan at the lunch table. The kids at the lunch table, while Jonathan isn't looking, hide his lunch. He turns around, lunch missing - asks where his lunch is - nobody knows. He gets upset. He's already missed breakfast. He's late for lunch because of the mess-up with his number. He's had a really bad day. His hand hurts. And the kids just keep pushing and will not return his lunch. Jonathan gets really angry and keeps asking where his lunch is. This, of course, just fuels the kids who think it's funny.

This draws the attention of teachers and administrators. An administrator (assistant principal) comes over to ask Jonathan what the problem is, but rather than answering her nicely, Jonathan turns to her and says "You don't fucking understand. They stole my shit!".

And with those words, Jonathan was automatically given 10 days out of school suspension.

In his school, using profanity to a teacher is automatic grounds for 10-days out of school suspension.

Now.... call me an overprotective mom here, but I disagree with this punishment. BUT, I do not disagree with punishment. I agree that he NEEDS to be punished. There are levels of punishment.... they could have called the parent.... they could have given him in school suspension.... they could have given him 3 days of out of school suspension... or they could have given him 10 days out of school suspension.

For a kid who has NEVER had ANY discipline problems... who was being provoked at a lunchroom table.... who didn't fight.... who didn't show any violence.... he just cursed.... for this he gets the MAXIMUM penalty? Really??? Is it just me?

I talked to the school board. I talked to the area director for the school board. I talked to the assistant principal, and I talked to the principal of Gaither. I told all of them that, I totally understand that they MUST have guidelines. I understand that they don't want kids running around cursing at the teachers and faculty.

Jonathan wasn't cursing AT this woman out of anger AT her. He wasn't violent with her. He wasn't a bad kid. He was in a difficult situation at the time. And, for that reason, I felt the punishment, for HIM, was too harsh. They are going to review the situation and call me back today with a recommendation.

What Jonathan learned from all of this is that he wants to learn to control his anger. We're going to make an appointment for him to go an see someone else. He already sees a doctor once every three months, but this will be in addition to that. He knows that he shouldn't have gotten THAT angry over kids just stealing his lunch. He knows now that it was just because of all the other things that happened throughout the day leading up to that time. He just needs to learn to deal with those things, to not let it build up to where he finds himself cursing at an adult in the middle of a lunchroom. And I think he's young enough where he can get a handle on it quickly.

So I picked him up from school, and he came home and cried pretty much ALL AFTERNOON. He sobbed in his room the rest of the day. It was so sad. But, by the end of the night, I think we were able to get through to him that he could LEARN from this, instead of feeling sorry for himself or being angry with himself.

The other really bad thing that happened yesterday was the computer, the big main computer of the house, had the 'blue screen of death' come on. Several times. Before all the kids came home, when I was alone - so I know THEY didn't do it. Yeah, the home computer is BROKEN. Not good. Just what we need, one more thing broken. An expensive thing. Great.

So, today is my second vacation day. On my to-do list is to clean house a little bit. Finish putting up Christmas lights outside, although not much more I can do myself I think. I might wash some clothes. Pick up Jonathan from the out of school suspension facility at 2:25, then take him to his doctors appointment at 4. Kayte is supposed to go for Xrays sometime, but I don't think we are going to make it today, maybe Saturday... I dunno. That's no big emergency, just 'whenever' for her allergies. They may want an xray of Jonathan's hand today, if so, UGG, that won't be good.

Hopefully tomorrow we are going to get our Christmas tree picked out and get it decorated. That's always fun.

To be brutally honest. I'm sitting here stressed beyond words. I'm thrilled that Chris's jobs have finally picked back up. But I'm stressed. I owe people money. I owe my sister. I owe my best friend. I owe Amscot. I have bill collectors calling my house for the first time in years. It's stressful. It'll be better soon, I'm sure. I'm positive actually. But in the 'here and now', it's eating me up inside. Sigh.

I should really run. So much to do....

Please say some extra prayers today for Jonathan. He could sure use them. Thanks.

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In A Nutshell:

Here is a letter I sent to Dr. Phil which really sums everything up:
I am married to my high-school sweetheart (20 years this August), with two wonderful children (Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13). I have two sisters, both younger – I call them “my good sister” and “my bad sister”. My good sister is – well, good! Normal in every way. The bad one, Julie, has been in trouble since she was a kid. As a baby she cried all of the time. As a teenager she was in trouble all of the time. At the age of 14 or so I remember that she had run away from home to live with a grown man in Atlanta. This was one of many run a ways. As a teenager, she provided sexual favors to boys in school, as well as teachers. As a young adult she was arrested for prostitution. She’s done drugs ranging from marijuana to crack. She was diagnosed early on as bi-polar with personality disorder. She’s also a serious cutter to the point where she no longer hid the cuts. She’s cut things like “Ronald Cecchinni” into her arm… and “Fuck you Dr. XXX” on her stomach, in large letters. Julie is also a diagnosed sex-addict. She’s also recently (in the past year) begun ‘huffing’. (I honestly believe that this huffing has caused some permanent damage) She is currently 36yo.
Julie lost her husband Ron a year and a half ago as a result of Leukemia and Kidney Disease which the military attributed to his serving in the Gulf War. He left behind three children – Kayla who is now 15, Justin who is now 14 and Kayte who is now 13. Even when Julie was married, her psychiatric problems persisted. She has been hospitalized literally hundreds of times over the years. However, when her husband was alive, he would take care of the kids when Julie was mentally out of control. After Ron died, Julie lost control of the kids and her life. She began to spiral out of control, having pot parties at her home (to the point where the kids said a door would open and a cloud of smoke would come bellowing out of the room), smoking weed with her own kids, having sex all over the house with different men all the time, allowing young men (19 yo) to sleep over with her oldest daughter (only 14 at the time), and allowing Gang members to live in her home (she said she felt ‘safe’ with them there). In addition, she was attempting suicide daily, overdosing on medications hoping to not wake up the next morning. Mind you all of this while she was seeing her Psychologist every week and Psychiatrist once a month. Both of these Doctors knew what was going on at home, neither of them reported it to the proper authorities. I have even been told by one of them that he was told, by Julie, that she ‘heard voices telling her to hurt the children’ but that she was proud that she could ignore the voices. Still, these Doctors reported nothing.
I should add here that it was at some point in this period of time in Julie’s life when her children began suicide watches over their mom… each one taking turns to sit in a room with her at all hours (night and day) because their mom was less-likely to hurt herself while they were here. However, it didn’t always work – Julie constantly took pills in front of them trying to either dope herself up or overdose, and she would even cut herself in front of the kids.
Finally one day, she woke up furious that her last suicide attempt didn’t work. She got violent with her oldest daughter, police were called, and finally DCF was called. (I would like to add that we (other family members) had called DCF in the past to report things, but some of the cases were ‘unfounded’ and one other time the fled the state knowing CF only had jurisdiction in Florida.) DCF removed the children from the home in November 2005 and I gained custody of the Children shortly thereafter.
There are lots of things I could add here about my sister, DCF, and the horrible Foster Care or Custodial Care program we are involved with. However, that is not my main reason for writing to you.
Kayte, the youngest, seems to be adjusting pretty well. She has a tendency to trivialize what her mom has done and the seriousness of it, but I think that is normal given that it is her mom. Kayte was in counseling, but she feels it’s ‘a waste of time’.
Justin, the middle child, is okay. As a young boy I'm told he was a terror. He used to hit his mother and at one point (only 6yo) tried to jump off a building to kill himself. Since then, his anger has turned in to an endless smothering of love and caring. He does everything for his mom… from getting her whatever she needs to rubbing her feet and back. Justin has seen a psychiatrist since moving in with me who felt that his issues were brought on by trauma. It was also at that visit with the psychiatrist that he confided in myself and the Doctor that he had suicidal thoughts often while living at home with his mom in her ‘state of being’ after his dad died. However, since he moved in with me he has done so much better (and continues to improve daily) that she didn’t feel he even needed counseling at this time. He would, however, need counseling before he was reunited with his mom.
Kayla, the oldest, has serious issues. She is also currently in counseling but feels that it is ‘a waste of time’. Kayla has always lied and stolen things. Family members feel sorry for her because you can tell that she doesn’t really mean any ill will by it, but it’s been ‘the way she is’ for a very long time. By far her biggest problems are lying and her need for approval by men (young and old).
Since the kids have moved in with us, my husband and I have set up rules. The kids already had myspace accounts, so we set ground rules for it. 1) We needed the login names and passwords. 2) Profiles must be set to private. 3) The only people they were allowed to have on their friends list was people that they actually knew. When Kayla’s list climbed over 300, and she was found to have inappropriate conversations (wanting to sneak out and ‘hook up’ with young men), we made everyone cut their list down to 30 friends, which included myself. 4) All vulgar language and inappropriate photos would come off immediately and would be monitored by myself at any given time. At times, they try to put up ‘sexy’ pictures which immediately need to come down.
However recently I have found that she has multiple website things going on in an attempt to pick up young men. I'll outline a few here so that you understand the gravity of the situation: 1) I found her 'normal' myspace account set to 'public view'. She has over 11,000 profile views(meaning people looking at her pictures and wanting to know more about her). I had reset it to private many times, but she keeps going back and resetting it to public. 2) I have found another myspace account which she went by the name 'Shannon' and used it to pick up young men, tease them, then later tell them that she was 'taken' but refer them to her 'cousin, Kayla'. She'd then give them all of Kayla's information. Of course thiswas also set to public. 3) I have found another social network website that was like myspace in which she had ONLY men (mostly from other states) as her 'friends' whom she corresponded with. The emails back and forth basically said the same thing as all of the others... more on that in #4 - only these were guys that not only did she not know, but they were not even in the area! 4) All accounts that I have found had basically the same thing... her emailing guys wanting to know if she was pretty, if they wanted to 'hook up', talking about going to their 'crib' or meeting up with them somewhere, and constantly seeking approval and affirmation from these guys.
I believe she gets this from her mom. And the sad thing is, if you met her, you would love her. She is truly a GREAT kid… but she has serious issues. I’ve described to you Julie’s behavior and Kayla’s seems to be the same way. Neither can make decisions on their own that are ‘the right thing to do’, and both lack the understanding of simple values, morals and ethics. I could go into so many examples. How do I describe the utterly amazing difference between Julie’s parenting style and my own?
I know... Both Julie and I have myspace accounts set up to ‘monitor’ the kids. To illustrate the difference between Julie and myself, here is something that Julie and I both put on our myspace accounts. You are supposed to put something 'about yourself' by your picture. Here is mine: "I'm 38 years old. I have two amazing kids, Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13. I have great husband, Chris. I love to sing - and have been singing in Toast of Tampa Show Chorus for 10 years. I'm raising my nieces and nephew (12, 13 and 14). I love God and my family."And here is Julie's: "I am who I am and if you dont like me for me........FUCK YOU........ Plus if you dont like me for me....... Im gunna tell my kids and there gunna kick yer ass!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Here’s the other dilemma we are having; the two girls are in counseling that is costing me $25 EACH in co-payments every time they go. The State of Florida provides NO financial support to me as a relative caregiver, other than providing the three kids with Medicaid. They received small SSI checks because of their dad’s death, but it barely covers the food they consume. The DCF worker, having spoke with the girls and being told that therapy is ‘a waste of time’, has referred me to a clinic that DCF uses for cases such as this to seek mental care for Kayla (aswell as the others). However, the kids have TriCare as their primary insurance because their dad died from Military causes. TriCare requires the co-payment, regardless of the Medicaid secondary. Having said that, please understand that I worked in referrals in a primary care physician’s office for 16 years… I totally ‘get’ what is required for primary and secondary insurances and all the red tape. But because of the uniqueness of this situation, the kids are suffering!
I should also point out here that I have the kids for an indefinite period of time. Right now Julie is doing things that she has been told to do to get the kids back. However, she is still awaiting a court ordered detailed Psychiatric exam to determine if she can EVER parent again. Even if that Psychiatrist feels she can parent again, she’ll most likely need to be ‘clean’ and ‘episode-free’ for 6 months to a year minimum. In addition, Julie is only allowed supervised visits and one phone call a day. This came about because of her inappropriate behavior when she was with the kids and because when she was allowed to call any time she’d call 10 + times a day.
The other problem with Julie ever getting her children back is that… she doesn’t understand what she did wrong. She parents as if she were 15-years old herself. If anyone has ever done something bad and been able to ‘keep’ their kids, she sees no reason she can’t do it. She brought her daughter at the age of 13 in for a HUGE tattoo on the small of her back. It’s Tigger flipping ‘the bird’ with her gang name under it. She was also planning on getting a large tattoo on her 12yo before the kids were taken. Again, she sees nothing wrong with any of her past behavior.
So, you see, I could have these children for the rest of their teenage years. I honestly don’t know where to turn to get them the help they need.
I feel as if I am in a psychiatric nightmare and I just can’t wake up. Eight months ago I was at home, my biggest ‘kid worry’ was if my son was going to get good grades on his report card. Now I find myself in a crux worried about whether or not the lessons I teach them, this late in their young life, are going to be enough to turn these kids around and help them to be productive adults in the near future.

Tina's Daily Blog

Friday, November 30, 2007

Out Of School Suspension

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