I suppose the biggest 'change' that is happening in my life right now that I haven't wanted to blog about is the fact that I'm not re-auditioning to be on the Church praise team. This is something that has been on my heart for months now and I just haven't known what to do with it, and for SURE haven't known how to blog about it or how to explain it. You see, our church has the choir which Chris and I sing in. Then there are praise teams which are auditioned and, if chosen, you are on a team of people (usually 5 or 6 on a team) that rotate about once a month or so to sing at church to lead praise and worship. It's the main thing that hooked Chris and I in at VanDyke when we first came to church - the singing and praise and worship was awesome. Coming from the Barbershop background that we came from, we both thought 'we could do that', so eventually we auditioned.
But... something just hasn't felt right for me in my heart. For two years we sang with the same group of singers. We were mostly all barbershoppers - all had the same singing 'style' - all worked hard on our music and practiced before rehearsals and came ready to sing - and all were good friends. Even before singing at the church, we had been singing together in the Barbershop organization for over 10 years. With us being on the same praise team together, it strengthened our bond and we prayed together.... it was more like a 'small group' than a singing team. Then one day we were told we'd no longer be singing together. And just like that - we were singing with different people.
Now.... I really did try to get used to the change. I gave it three months. But my heart was just never the same. I'm not going to go into details about why my heart wasn't the same because it's unimportant. There are a great many factors in which play a small role in the emotions of the whole thing. But the bottom line is this... I find such GREAT joy in singing. That joy wasn't there anymore. So, I didn't sign up to sing this next rotation.
But - Chris is.
So............ this is going to be a bit strange for me. To watch Chris sing praise and worship without me. To have me give my heart to the Lord from the pew (which I keep telling myself over and over again I'm okay doing) while Chris is on the platform with a team of 5 or 6 others giving his heart to the Lord. It's just going to be difficult.
I keep wondering if I made the right decision. But -- I know God would NOT want me to be unhappy. Certainly not in His house, and not while singing praise and worship to Him.
But then there is so much else that I think about.
The church - VanDyke - has been WONDERFUL to my family. Will my not re-upping be seen as ungrateful of their kindness?
Singing on the praise team gives me reason to go to church every week. Will my unhappiness in this whole thing cause me to pull away from church all together? Will I use it as a reason to not go to church? Heck, it's Sunday today... and I didn't go to church today. They are also giving the Choir time off (sort-of) over the summer. They are asking the choir to just come in and stand behind the praise team and sing praise and worship songs, not choir numbers. Well, heck, maybe that's going to be a good reason to not go to church? No - it's not! But I'm just saying... the Devil just needs a small crack in the window of opportunity to sneak in and start working on you, ya know?
Will I resent Chris for getting up there and singing without me? I shouldn't. He had the guts to go to a meeting with Josh and Jeff and actually discuss his feelings in a one-on-one meeting - getting all his feelings off his chest. Chris was actually WAY more upset that I was when we were taken off the team we were with for 2 years. But Chris was just more emotional, I - on the other hand - was less emotional but had a set goal in my mind. I had decided that I was going to give it till the end of this 3-month rotation and see if I was going to step out for the next rotation to give myself a 3-month breather to see how I felt.
But, as it just so happened, just before the end of the rotation, they decided to re-audition everyone and I just decided it was just easier not to re-audition. I mean, it would be bad to audition, make it - then tell them I'm stepping out for 3 months. So... I just didn't re-audition.
And it's just killing me inside and I don't know why.
I'm doing nothing musical right now. Nothing 'for me' really. No Toast of Tampa. No singing. No barbershop. No praise team. No nothing. I don't feel like I deserve it... like I did before when I really wanted to join TOT for me. I just feel.... I dunno.... empty. Like the joy is just -- gone. And I don't know HOW to put it back in.
Going back to Toast of Tampa is not an option. It's expensive and it's time-consuming.
Joining the praise team is not an option since, well, I didn't audition.
So... I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I don't know how to put it back. Thus my reason for not wanting to blog about this part of my life.
Okay..... no crying..... moving on to something else...............
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Michelle, Julie and I took Kayte to get her belly button pierced today. I've never had a problem with teenagers getting their belly buttons pierced. It's hidden. It's not tacky. It actually can be rather pretty.
Now, piercings on the face, tongue, etc -- that's just all KINDS of nasty. Especially on teenagers.
So, we are there and Kayte mentions about her friends who are all getting these tongue piercings on the tips on their tongues. Not straight up and down, but across right-to-left. Kayte explains that she LOVES it and wants to get it.
I tell her that she is NUTS and that there is no way in HELL I'd EVER allow her to get it done. She tells me she can't wait to turn 18 then because that's exactly what she's going to have done when she turns 18.
So she asks the guy who works there - who is COVERED in tattoos and piercings, if he has ever heard of these kinds of piercings and what does he think of them. He laughs and says that yes, of COURSE he has heard of them. But he does NOT like them. He explains that because of where the kids are putting them, they keep hitting the teeth. When they keep hitting the teeth, they break down the enamel. Breaking down the tooth enamel leads to broken teeth. So - NO - he does not like these kinds of piercings.
Kayte says something about "not like you're going to need your teeth in like 10 years anyways... so who cares - duh!". I said, "Kayte, you may not care now - but when you are 30 or 40 or 50, you are really going to want to have good teeth!" She said, "Who cares what my teeth are like then."
This is EXACTLY the reason they should not allow kids to get piercings. EXACTLY. Yet, they do it. Kayte could care less what her teeth are like when she's 30? I should save this blog for her and remind her on that, don't ya think?
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Julie has found an apartment and is moving in at the end of June. I'm VERY excited for her. She's renting a place for less than $550 a month and only 15 minutes from our house. Very cool. I only hope that she is able to SELL her house between now and then, so that she doesn't have to just walk away from the house and just let it fall into foreclosure.
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Amanda and Gene have moved into an apartment here in Tampa as well! They are TWO miles from our house! Amanda is working at Stein Mart and Gene is a chef at Floyd's at Seminole Hard Rock Casino. (Very cool job, huh?)
They are only a week into the new place and already getting quite settled. The apartment looks GREAT. Jobs are going well. It's really great having her close to home again. I've missed her. :o)
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Oh - we closed on the house on Thursday! Well, we refinanced the house, getting out of the adjustable rate mortgage and out of two mortgages and into one flat-rate mortgage that was lower than either of the two existing ones. Cool, huh? That is going to save us about $300 a month!! I'm VERY happy about that. More happy about the peace of mind of knowing, without a doubt, that - sure the insurance and taxes will fluctuate - but the mortgage itself is locked in at a reasonable rate.
I'm tickled pink!
One of the things Chris and I did - maybe to 'celebrate' this savings... maybe just because it NEEDED to be done at some point.... is we went out to buy a new sofa Saturday.
Our sofa was purchased at Badcock maybe 5 years ago. It's DEFINITELY worn and seen better days. It has holes in it, which I've tried to sew... but - with four teenagers, none of whom weigh under 100 lbs, or who are 'gentle' when sitting - it's not held up very well. It also has multiple dirt stains that won't come clean even when we've used a steam cleaner on it.
Anyways
When we ran my credit for the home loan, it showed $1,800 available credit at Badcock, with $0 due - since I paid it off a little more than a year ago. We though, since we need a sofa, and we'll have a little extra 'per month'... let's go back to Badcock and buy a sofa there. Why not?
So, we head all the way down to South Tampa (you have to go to the same store where you opened the credit). First we picked out the sofa we wanted. Then we tried to apply it to the credit, which is when we find out that - since I paid it off over a year ago, they have to re-run my credit. No problem there. I know my credit 'score' has actually increased. So, Badcock re-runs it... and what does it show? Well...
When I applied for my home loan - Badcock reported me late once. Sure, it was paid off - but my mortgage guy suggested that I take any 'negative' reportings on my credit report and dispute them. If the company is able to substantiate them, it's reported as "updated 3/08", and if they can't prove it, it's removed from my credit report. Seemed like a no-brainer to me.... so I disputed anything that showed up as negative. Sure enough, several things were substantiated and many things were dropped - my credit score increased. Cool beans.
But - Badcock was TICKED that I disputed this late charge. Almost as if -- they took it PERSONALLY. Like, I personally called them liars or something. After picking out the sofa, waiting - quite literally 2 hours for them to call around and try to get this credit thing fixed - they tell me this "since you disputed your late charge about Badcock, we've decided to decrease your credit limit from $1,800 to $1,000."
Are you KIDDING ME?
I was furious! Chris was furious! We were just -- blown away.
We, of course, walked out. We took our happy little butts to Rooms to Go who was more than willing to extend credit to me, more credit actually - although with NO interest through June 2009 and they don't have that funky interest accrual thing. So, I actually am BETTER OFF, go figure.
We bought a sofa, love seat and chair for the living room. Not fancy... just sturdy enough with the right kind of material to where we think it'll make it for 4 years. We hope so anyways. :o) I'll have to send pictures when we get it all in place.
Funny, as sad as I've been about the whole singing thing.... shopping really seemed to help. Shopping therapy. Funny - that could get expensive, huh?
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One more quick little thing, then I should run. Chris and I are thinking about completely re-hauling our kitchen. Sounds expensive? Especially after I just talked about 'shopping therapy'. I know... I know... But - we have a guy from bible study who can do the brainstorming design phase of it - he can tell us what he thinks we should do - what walls should come down, what cabinets to move, etc. Then Chris can do the labor and work to get the materials at the least expensive price possible.
Sure, this isn't something that's going to happen next week. Or next month even. But it's something we've started talking about and putting on paper to get it going. Because what I do know for sure is that our kitchen cabinets will NOT make it another 4 years as-is. Not only do they just look bad and do the doors just keep falling off, but the wood in the cabinets themselves are cracked. You can't screw the doors on tight enough to hold the doors on, the wood is too badly cracked, the screws just fall out eventually. They are too far gone. The one cabinet between the oven and the fridge is water damaged terribly. So, yeah, something has to be done at some point.
When our friend, Dan, came over to do the measurements and get some ideas for the design phase of it, we were talking about how much our kitchen doesn't work for us. It didn't hit me how incredibly small our kitchen area really was until I started actually showing it to him. Showing him "this is where I put the pans that I use to cook for the 6 or more of us every night" and "this is the tiny little pantry where I put all the food for the week to feed the six of us every week". I mean... it's just not much room at all. I'm excited about the possibilities of it.
And, oddly, not at all worried about sinking money into the kitchen. All the work I've seen Chris do and all the TV shows I've seen now I've learned -- first Chris knows a LOT about this stuff and no doubt will do an awesome job and that putting money into a kitchen pays off in the long-term investment of your home's value. So, no worries at all for me there.
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Funny, I just spent a few minutes and went to my blog -- went to some OLD postings. When Amanda had just moved in with us. When Doug was living with us. When Chris and I had just auditioned for the praise team and then found out we'd made it - we were SO excited. Gosh... that really hurt to read. Then found this.
NEVER GIVE UP
No matter what is going on
Never give up
Develop the heart
In your country too much work is spent developing the mind
Instead of the heart
Be compassionate
Not just to your friends
But to everyone
Be compassionate
Work for peace
In your heart and in the world
Work for peace
And I say again
Never give up
No matter what is happening
No matter what is going on around you
Never give up
The Dalai Lama
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I don't know if I feel better or worse having found that and felt 'led' to post that in this blog. Think I'll just leave it at that.
Please keep us all in your thoughts and prayers.
1 comment:
I think that the Lord wants you to sing..... Continue at least w/the choir and maybe you will go back to the Praise Team later. The ache you feel in your heart is there for a reason. Singing makes it better.
Love,
Mom
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