Anywhere But Here

I have to tell you - I have a TON to blog about. I'm frustrated to no end. I love Julie to death -- but her living close to us is going to have it's... side effects. She's already calling a lot more and wanting to come over a lot more.

I tried to set the ground rules up front. But more on all of this later.

I haven't blogged in a while - but I did write a poem.

I was moving Julie and thinking about how LITTLE she has left of what she and Ron had while they were together. Then I was thinking about how all of Julie's life she's spent running away from things... trying to be anywhere but where she was. What a horrible childhood she had. Then I noticed how much her kids do the same thing... trying so hard to run away from where they are into what they think they want. Never looking at what they have, always looking at what they want.

A phrase kept coming into my mind -- and thus this poem came to mind. If you hate it, remember, a poem person I am NOT.

**********************************************

Anywhere But Here

by: Tina Rhodes

Julie was so young and could never get enough
Love, affection, hugs weren’t enough - Sex with any man or boy
Abused, neglected, put-down, picked-on, using drugs…
A childhood with no real joy.

A childhood runaway, raped and beaten
Come home to “tough love”, a parent’s worst fear
Not knowing she was mentally ill,
But oh how Julie wanted to be – anywhere but here.

Living on her own, she worked so hard
But still with that aching need for affection and love
All the wrong men at the wrong time
Abusing and using her in every way you can think of.

A child was conceived with an unknown father.
Julie knew the only thing to do was clear
To raise a child with any hope of future
She had to raise it - anywhere but here.

A new life born, a new man Ron.
A better life – he’d make her his wife.
But the mental illness kept showing up
With him overseas, this caused great strife.

Three children born, a husband overseas, it didn’t take long
Mom constantly depressed or manic, smoking pot, and in the hospital all the time
Department of Children and Families eventually called in
To see if there was indeed some type of crime.

It seemed best, they thought at the time
For them to be totally free and clear –
Send the children up to live with Grandma and Grandpa in Maryland –
Anywhere but here.

Julie and Ron would join them later, In Maryland they’d live.
Julie still frequently in the hospital, to be clear:
When the family would call to ask how she was we were told
She was… anywhere but here.

Doctors. Bathroom. Shopping. Went to get dinner. Out with a friend.
Looking back it’s rather clear,
All of Julie’s life has been about living
Anywhere but here.

Now I’m raising her children. Teenagers – it’s normal I know.
They all have that keen ability to want to live anywhere but where they are.
Part of me wonders what the normal teenager behavior is –
And what is left over from mom’s emotional scar.

Swim, spend the night, sleep over, just hang out and chill –
They always want to go out with their friends
Myspace, text messaging, picture messaging, chatting, hanging out at the park –
All the new hang-out trends.

In such a hurry to get jobs: get money, get your own place, move out
To start life out quickly but in arrear,
For starting out without college because you wanted to be
Anywhere but here.

It has to be hard for them – they have lost so much
A father who died at such a young age - thirty eight.
A mother mentally ill, in the hospital so much hurting herself
Then being taken away from home, they must have been irate.

I can understand them looking around their lives at times:
Daddy is so sick… has five years to live – heart full of drear –
How many times did they think…
Anywhere but here.

Daddy is so sick, his eyes are so bloody
It must be that he is full of fear.
Surely they had to think…
Anywhere but here.

Mommy won’t stop cutting herself
Slicing and dicing her stomach, wrists, arms and legs – without even a tear
Surely they have to think…
Anywhere but here.

Mommy keeps overdosing on pills
Taking so many pills her words become unclear
Surely they have to think…
Anywhere but here.

Overdosing to the point where she was on a respirator – life support,
Still she snorted and took what pills she felt she had left ‘because it was here’
Surely they have to think…
Anywhere but here.

Yet, “here” is all we have.
To live in the moment, live in the now.
We have to see the goodness and the joy
Through the hurt and the pain, somehow.

God has charged me now with raising these kids
His words and vision is very clear
Keep them safe. Teach them well. Love them even though they wish
They were anywhere but here.