Tina's Daily Blog: The Joys, The Troubles

Monday, July 21, 2008

The Joys, The Troubles

I should be posting more often. I know, I know. My sister Katie keeps calling to remind me of this - all the time.

I'm stressed. Stressed and worried. Stressed because Chris has had the back pain for a couple weeks and work isn't what it needs to be. We need him to have a couple LLC jobs to keep the bills paid at home. (LLC jobs being the big remodeling type jobs as opposed to small handyman type jobs.) It was good that he wasn't working as hard when his back was hurting... but.... it's just........... I dunno. When you own your own business it's scary. There is no first and fifteenth of the month. No routine paycheck. It's whenever the jobs roll in. And they aren't rolling in right now. The economy is bad right now, and people are just not spending money to remodel their homes.

I'm worried because school is starting in about a month. Four weeks from today actually. Gwen is going to send some money down for Kayla, Justin and Kayte to go get some school clothes. That just leaves Jonathan. Poor Jonathan... who hardly ever seems to have a lot of clothes. He needs shoes, pants and shirts. He is growing like a weed, and he knows it. His nana wanted to take him shopping a few weeks ago and he didn't want to go because he knew he might grow more before school started. Smart boy! But August 18th school starts and he's going to need some clothes. But I don't have any money set aside for that... and I should have thought about it. My mind races back to that shopping trip I had to Stein Mart for my own shirts a month or two ago. DANGIT. Selfish. I wish I could take them back. Why couldn't I think of this then? I'd need that money for HIS school clothes. Selfish Tina.

And lest we forget the school supplies. Lots and lots of school supplies. Two 10th graders, two 11th graders. God... are you kidding me? Oh, His sense of humor! But we do have some things left over from last year, so we just have to do an assessment of what we have and what we need. The kids always need pencils. I don't know what they do with them.... but they always go through pencils. I learned a long time ago that those automatic pencils are a waste of time because they lose them. Just the standard #2 pencils work just fine.

And I'm really trying not to blog about it all because the minute I blog about how stressed I am over this kind of thing, two things happen. My husband goes into protect mode and my family and some friends go into judgment mode. Chris will try to tell me it'll be okay... he always does. But some things he just can't do on his own -- maybe if some of my blog readers... someone from Church, or family members who may know someone who needs a paint job or a bathroom or kitchen work done, or whatever -- give me a call or drop me an email. Then the family/friends - I know it's normal. Heck, I do it too.... whenever someone says they are struggling it's natural to look at what they are doing and find ways that you know they could cut back. Cut back your cable. Cut out the water cooler. You get your nails done? I know ~ I know... I do it too. But we are not struggling normally... it's just a 'right now' kind of thing really. I suppose it's "fixers" that want to jump in. I'm a 'fixer' by nature. I hear a problem and my mind goes to ways to try and help that person or ways in which I can suggest that person help themselves. I hear there are actually "listeners" out there who just listen to people. Listen and don't suggest or judge. Imagine that. LOL

I've just kept my mouth shut... kept this all bottled up inside. I know Chris knows that I'm worried - and we just don't talk about it. It's the "unspoken". But -- there. I said it. :o(

************************************************************************

Chris and I went to Church again this week. It's only the second time we've been in probably a month and a half. Since they big changes to the music ministry that Chris and I are no longer a part of.

I tell you, it's just odd. It's odd to go there and praise and worship and just not feel that JOY inside that I used to feel. That happiness. That energy inside of me that just wanted to get out of me and tell the whole world about Jesus through music. It's just................. gone. And it makes me SO SAD.

I miss music something terrible. I miss being a part of something bigger and better. I miss GIVING to people through music. I miss that joy. I feel like that has been plucked out of me, and dangit, I want it back.

Part of me wonders if I should go back to Toast of Tampa. I know I would be SO HAPPY singing there. But it would be expensive. $40 a month.... minimum. Then costumes, and when they go to International next year (which will be in Nashville).... that will cost more money. But ~ man oh man I miss it. And... I realize now that I miss the JOY of singing more than I miss the actual singing. I miss the gift of giving my music... not just MY voice, but my voice combined with something else making it much more, much better than anything I could ever do on my own, and giving THAT to someone else. That..... that is what I miss.

I should run. I have to go home for lunch. More later Katie. I promise!

Nothing is permanent in this wicked world - not even our troubles.
- Charlie Chaplin

1 comment:

Anonymous said...: I bought you some school supplies. A big pack of #2 pencils, and three 5-packs of mechanical pencils... the packs were 5 cents each at Walgreens! I also got some folders and paper and other stuff... maybe $20 worth total, but it's a good amount of supplies.

Hope it helps a little... :-/; 10:20 AM

Post a Comment

In A Nutshell:

Here is a letter I sent to Dr. Phil which really sums everything up:
I am married to my high-school sweetheart (20 years this August), with two wonderful children (Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13). I have two sisters, both younger – I call them “my good sister” and “my bad sister”. My good sister is – well, good! Normal in every way. The bad one, Julie, has been in trouble since she was a kid. As a baby she cried all of the time. As a teenager she was in trouble all of the time. At the age of 14 or so I remember that she had run away from home to live with a grown man in Atlanta. This was one of many run a ways. As a teenager, she provided sexual favors to boys in school, as well as teachers. As a young adult she was arrested for prostitution. She’s done drugs ranging from marijuana to crack. She was diagnosed early on as bi-polar with personality disorder. She’s also a serious cutter to the point where she no longer hid the cuts. She’s cut things like “Ronald Cecchinni” into her arm… and “Fuck you Dr. XXX” on her stomach, in large letters. Julie is also a diagnosed sex-addict. She’s also recently (in the past year) begun ‘huffing’. (I honestly believe that this huffing has caused some permanent damage) She is currently 36yo.
Julie lost her husband Ron a year and a half ago as a result of Leukemia and Kidney Disease which the military attributed to his serving in the Gulf War. He left behind three children – Kayla who is now 15, Justin who is now 14 and Kayte who is now 13. Even when Julie was married, her psychiatric problems persisted. She has been hospitalized literally hundreds of times over the years. However, when her husband was alive, he would take care of the kids when Julie was mentally out of control. After Ron died, Julie lost control of the kids and her life. She began to spiral out of control, having pot parties at her home (to the point where the kids said a door would open and a cloud of smoke would come bellowing out of the room), smoking weed with her own kids, having sex all over the house with different men all the time, allowing young men (19 yo) to sleep over with her oldest daughter (only 14 at the time), and allowing Gang members to live in her home (she said she felt ‘safe’ with them there). In addition, she was attempting suicide daily, overdosing on medications hoping to not wake up the next morning. Mind you all of this while she was seeing her Psychologist every week and Psychiatrist once a month. Both of these Doctors knew what was going on at home, neither of them reported it to the proper authorities. I have even been told by one of them that he was told, by Julie, that she ‘heard voices telling her to hurt the children’ but that she was proud that she could ignore the voices. Still, these Doctors reported nothing.
I should add here that it was at some point in this period of time in Julie’s life when her children began suicide watches over their mom… each one taking turns to sit in a room with her at all hours (night and day) because their mom was less-likely to hurt herself while they were here. However, it didn’t always work – Julie constantly took pills in front of them trying to either dope herself up or overdose, and she would even cut herself in front of the kids.
Finally one day, she woke up furious that her last suicide attempt didn’t work. She got violent with her oldest daughter, police were called, and finally DCF was called. (I would like to add that we (other family members) had called DCF in the past to report things, but some of the cases were ‘unfounded’ and one other time the fled the state knowing CF only had jurisdiction in Florida.) DCF removed the children from the home in November 2005 and I gained custody of the Children shortly thereafter.
There are lots of things I could add here about my sister, DCF, and the horrible Foster Care or Custodial Care program we are involved with. However, that is not my main reason for writing to you.
Kayte, the youngest, seems to be adjusting pretty well. She has a tendency to trivialize what her mom has done and the seriousness of it, but I think that is normal given that it is her mom. Kayte was in counseling, but she feels it’s ‘a waste of time’.
Justin, the middle child, is okay. As a young boy I'm told he was a terror. He used to hit his mother and at one point (only 6yo) tried to jump off a building to kill himself. Since then, his anger has turned in to an endless smothering of love and caring. He does everything for his mom… from getting her whatever she needs to rubbing her feet and back. Justin has seen a psychiatrist since moving in with me who felt that his issues were brought on by trauma. It was also at that visit with the psychiatrist that he confided in myself and the Doctor that he had suicidal thoughts often while living at home with his mom in her ‘state of being’ after his dad died. However, since he moved in with me he has done so much better (and continues to improve daily) that she didn’t feel he even needed counseling at this time. He would, however, need counseling before he was reunited with his mom.
Kayla, the oldest, has serious issues. She is also currently in counseling but feels that it is ‘a waste of time’. Kayla has always lied and stolen things. Family members feel sorry for her because you can tell that she doesn’t really mean any ill will by it, but it’s been ‘the way she is’ for a very long time. By far her biggest problems are lying and her need for approval by men (young and old).
Since the kids have moved in with us, my husband and I have set up rules. The kids already had myspace accounts, so we set ground rules for it. 1) We needed the login names and passwords. 2) Profiles must be set to private. 3) The only people they were allowed to have on their friends list was people that they actually knew. When Kayla’s list climbed over 300, and she was found to have inappropriate conversations (wanting to sneak out and ‘hook up’ with young men), we made everyone cut their list down to 30 friends, which included myself. 4) All vulgar language and inappropriate photos would come off immediately and would be monitored by myself at any given time. At times, they try to put up ‘sexy’ pictures which immediately need to come down.
However recently I have found that she has multiple website things going on in an attempt to pick up young men. I'll outline a few here so that you understand the gravity of the situation: 1) I found her 'normal' myspace account set to 'public view'. She has over 11,000 profile views(meaning people looking at her pictures and wanting to know more about her). I had reset it to private many times, but she keeps going back and resetting it to public. 2) I have found another myspace account which she went by the name 'Shannon' and used it to pick up young men, tease them, then later tell them that she was 'taken' but refer them to her 'cousin, Kayla'. She'd then give them all of Kayla's information. Of course thiswas also set to public. 3) I have found another social network website that was like myspace in which she had ONLY men (mostly from other states) as her 'friends' whom she corresponded with. The emails back and forth basically said the same thing as all of the others... more on that in #4 - only these were guys that not only did she not know, but they were not even in the area! 4) All accounts that I have found had basically the same thing... her emailing guys wanting to know if she was pretty, if they wanted to 'hook up', talking about going to their 'crib' or meeting up with them somewhere, and constantly seeking approval and affirmation from these guys.
I believe she gets this from her mom. And the sad thing is, if you met her, you would love her. She is truly a GREAT kid… but she has serious issues. I’ve described to you Julie’s behavior and Kayla’s seems to be the same way. Neither can make decisions on their own that are ‘the right thing to do’, and both lack the understanding of simple values, morals and ethics. I could go into so many examples. How do I describe the utterly amazing difference between Julie’s parenting style and my own?
I know... Both Julie and I have myspace accounts set up to ‘monitor’ the kids. To illustrate the difference between Julie and myself, here is something that Julie and I both put on our myspace accounts. You are supposed to put something 'about yourself' by your picture. Here is mine: "I'm 38 years old. I have two amazing kids, Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13. I have great husband, Chris. I love to sing - and have been singing in Toast of Tampa Show Chorus for 10 years. I'm raising my nieces and nephew (12, 13 and 14). I love God and my family."And here is Julie's: "I am who I am and if you dont like me for me........FUCK YOU........ Plus if you dont like me for me....... Im gunna tell my kids and there gunna kick yer ass!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Here’s the other dilemma we are having; the two girls are in counseling that is costing me $25 EACH in co-payments every time they go. The State of Florida provides NO financial support to me as a relative caregiver, other than providing the three kids with Medicaid. They received small SSI checks because of their dad’s death, but it barely covers the food they consume. The DCF worker, having spoke with the girls and being told that therapy is ‘a waste of time’, has referred me to a clinic that DCF uses for cases such as this to seek mental care for Kayla (aswell as the others). However, the kids have TriCare as their primary insurance because their dad died from Military causes. TriCare requires the co-payment, regardless of the Medicaid secondary. Having said that, please understand that I worked in referrals in a primary care physician’s office for 16 years… I totally ‘get’ what is required for primary and secondary insurances and all the red tape. But because of the uniqueness of this situation, the kids are suffering!
I should also point out here that I have the kids for an indefinite period of time. Right now Julie is doing things that she has been told to do to get the kids back. However, she is still awaiting a court ordered detailed Psychiatric exam to determine if she can EVER parent again. Even if that Psychiatrist feels she can parent again, she’ll most likely need to be ‘clean’ and ‘episode-free’ for 6 months to a year minimum. In addition, Julie is only allowed supervised visits and one phone call a day. This came about because of her inappropriate behavior when she was with the kids and because when she was allowed to call any time she’d call 10 + times a day.
The other problem with Julie ever getting her children back is that… she doesn’t understand what she did wrong. She parents as if she were 15-years old herself. If anyone has ever done something bad and been able to ‘keep’ their kids, she sees no reason she can’t do it. She brought her daughter at the age of 13 in for a HUGE tattoo on the small of her back. It’s Tigger flipping ‘the bird’ with her gang name under it. She was also planning on getting a large tattoo on her 12yo before the kids were taken. Again, she sees nothing wrong with any of her past behavior.
So, you see, I could have these children for the rest of their teenage years. I honestly don’t know where to turn to get them the help they need.
I feel as if I am in a psychiatric nightmare and I just can’t wake up. Eight months ago I was at home, my biggest ‘kid worry’ was if my son was going to get good grades on his report card. Now I find myself in a crux worried about whether or not the lessons I teach them, this late in their young life, are going to be enough to turn these kids around and help them to be productive adults in the near future.

Tina's Daily Blog

Monday, July 21, 2008

The Joys, The Troubles

1 comment:

Have Tina's Daily Blog sent to your email address:

Blog Archive

Followers

About Me

My Favorite Places and People

Blog Stats

In A Nutshell: