Parental Funk

I'm in a funk. I feel like a horrible parent who has no control over her teenagers.

Report cards came in yesterday. First up... Kayla, who got a D in math. Kayte and Justin each got one C, and Jonathan got 4 C's. Here's my problem -- the 'consequence' for not making honor roll for Justin, Kayte and Kayla was for them to lose their phones until they DID make honor roll. However, Kayla has already told us she'd just go out and get another cell phone from Metro PCS and pay for it herself. We don't want that... we want to be able to know when she's on the phone at 2am, ya know? So... we told her that she could, instead, just pay HER portion of the cell phone bill.

However, how unfair is that to Kayte and Justin? To add to the unfairness, Jonathan wasn't given the cell phone and warned against not making honor roll... he NEVER makes honor roll. Instead he was given a phone to put in appointments and reminders. However, lately he uses his cell phone mostly for texting and talking. How can we take away their phones when Kayla and Jonathan are able to keep theirs? Heck, Kayte and Justin's report cards were BETTER than Kayla's and Jonathan's.

It's easy to say "just take all the phones away".... but.... I'm having a really hard time with it. First of all... you have to LIVE in the teenage hormone hell that we are in to know that having FOUR unhappy teenagers is going to be an awful living environment for the next 2 nine weeks. Second, I'm not a good disciplinarian, Chris is. But Chris has backed WAY off of disciplining since the big thing with Jonathan, when Jonathan started going to counseling - and that has worked to help mend the relationship between the two of them. Yet... they are all now getting away with everything. In the past, Chris would get all over the kids for doing poorly, and I'd allow it when needed and pull him back if I felt he was being unfair. Now... it's just on me.

The funny thing is that all 4 of them feel that the grades they received were, for one reason or another, "not really their fault". I suppose that's a teenager thing... but they need to own up to their grades - they earned them. Kayla's just not good in math, so it's not really her fault. Kayte had a 79.6 and the teacher, she feels, should have rounded up her grade. Jonathan isn't allowed to make up the work or for whatever reason he just can't do it. Justin was using somebody else's locker and his workbook was stolen out of the locker, allowing several zeros to bring down his grade. So.... nobody here is taking blame.

Well, I wouldn't say nobody... I'm taking all the blame. I'm a horrible parent. I feel that way anyways.

Then there is this current 9 weeks, which we are now 3 weeks into. Of the few grades that are posted, Kayla has one F, Jonathan has 2 F's. F's???????? Yeah.... F's. Both of them say not to worry, that they will bring them up. But ya know... last week I had that conference with Kayla's teacher last week, and just today I got a call from one of Jonathan's teachers. She noted that he was 'just not the same' the past week or so in math. Not doing assignments, not taking notes, not bringing his book, etc. Today she had to stand him up in the back of the class as a discipline method. Sigh..........

The funny thing about that is -- since the computer was taken away from Jonathan... he's been a pretty GREAT kid at home. He's outside playing, going to the park, hanging out with friends... it's been like a dream come true. All the kids have noticed it as well. I expected him to do as Kayla does when she doesn't get her way.... go in his room and sleep all day. But he hasn't.

I'm also worried about Kayla and the people she's hanging out with - still. I know I've mentioned it as a concern before. Kayla isn't really 'doing' anything wrong at home, but I just feel it... I just know it.... she's headed in the wrong direction. For example - one of her friends, Anne, has a boyfriend who was just "locked up" and is now in a treatment facility. Well... the guy wanted to send letters to Anne, but he and Anne didn't want Anne's mom to find out. They planned on lying to her mother when he got "passes" to come home. Their plan was to tell the mom that he was in New York. Well, he's now sent 5 letters to my house. First of all, I have a problem with Kayla giving out our address to a guy who is locked up. Chris is a retired corrections officer... we do NOT want our address known by those people. Second... this guy is NASTY in his emails. He talks about how he wants her to have his "jit"(his baby), and that if they didn't 'do it' last time, they would work on it more when he got out. He says that she should know how much he loves her because if he didn't he would have worn a condom. EWW! Oh, and he best part... not only does he smoke weed, he SELLS IT. He wrote one letter to a guy who he used to smoke with and sell with. In that letter he told the guy that he should get his grades better, focus on school for a little while, and THEN he could start "burning" (smoking weed) again. Great advice, huh? Yeah... these people, these friends of hers, are really going places, ya think?

I can't get her to see it. She thinks her friends are misunderstood. And... if I can't help her see it, then doesn't it again make me a bad parent? Again, I strike out. Fail. Sigh....

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Okay, that's pretty sad up there. Let me start telling you some good news.

Justin got a note from his teacher. He did an essay where he was asked to interview a teacher then write about it. Well, he did and in his essay he talked about how he never realized how difficult their jobs were. (Sucking up to the teachers I'd guess, but it worked!) The teacher gave him back the essay and wrote this on it:

"Justin,
This is the bet essay in all of my classes. Excellent job - you were clear, precise & creative. Thanks! :o)
P.S. - Out of 60+ papers, you were the ONLY one to get a 100% and one of the only people who deserved / received an "A". I'm SO PROUD of you! :o)"

Good stuff, huh? Of course, essay writing that these kids do is NOT what we used to have to do. The teachers, even English teachers (which was the case in this paper) didn't grade based on spelling. Kids today are ALLOWED to spell things wrong, and even not have them corrected. Teachers today feel that it's more important that kids learn to express themselves than spelling correctly. I disagree, thinking they are not going to get very far in the corporate world if they can't spell correctly. But... I'm not a teacher, and I have to trust that they know what they are doing.

Anyways, we are SO PROUD of Justin for this note from the teacher - I didn't mean to imply I wasn't when I talked about the spelling.

Speaking of Justin -- he had the MRI and saw the Orthopedic guys at USF -- he definitely has a complete tear of his ACL. Additionally he may have something wrong with his meniscus... but they can't tell for sure on the MRI. He is scheduled for surgery on 12/5/08. It was weird hearing them talk about how they were going to fix it: they were going to try to use some of his hamstring but they were going to have a cadaver part on-hand just in case they can't use his.

It was difficult scheduling this surgery for the 5th and not wait for December 12th. I'm off on Dec. 12th and would love to be there for him. It's outpatient surgery, but still... would love to be there for him. Working alone... it's not so easy to get additional days off - so Chris is going to take him. It's MORE important that he get the surgery quickly... they say that the sooner he has it done, the better and shorter his recovery will be. (There I go again, feeling like a horrible parent!)

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OMG... I'm sitting at my desk typing this and a SPIDER just walked across my chest/shirt. I think I bruised myself slapping the HECK out of it. I'm DEATHLY afraid of spiders. Usually I can't even MOVE when I see them... but to see it walking across me, I just squished it hard. And bruised myself probably. LOL

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Did I tell you that I rejoined Toast of Tampa Show Chorus? Well... I did. I've been to 5 rehearsals so far, passed my audition, choreography, and am just now waiting to be voted into the chorus. Chris loves it that I come home every Tuesday night so happy.

At lunch today I was thinking about Barbershop Competitions... both men's and women's. And my mind went to a really cool story I'd like to share with you. It shows the kindness that stems from this barbershop family.

Chris was in the Heralds of Harmony at the time. We were young... rather new to barbershop, and the kids were young. The Heralds were getting ready to go to International Competition in Nashville. We didn't have a lot of money, and certainly didn't have anything saved for emergencies (the getting married and having a baby at 18 didn't allow us to save anything).

It was the night before we were supposed to leave. The plan was that Chris was going to drive up to Nashville in his truck. But that evening, heck, I think it was actually on the way to rehearsal, his truck broke down. I remember it was something he could fix, but he couldn't fix it in a day.

I drove him up to the last rehearsal before we were supposed to leave. We were late (because of the truck breaking down) so he didn't have time to tell his director, then Tony DeRosa (who is now my chorus at director!) that he couldn't go to Nashville. So he jumped into the rehearsal and figured he'd talk to Tony after rehearsal.

I was sitting on the floor, watching them sing. I remember Chris singing and how much I enjoyed watching him sing. Then they got to "When You Wish Upon a Star" or something like that.... it was a slow song and just BEAUTIFUL. The chorus locking and ringing barbershop chords. Watching Chris sing from the heart. And my heart breaking because I was the only person in the room (other than Chris) who knew he couldn't go with them to Jacksonville. My heart began to break for him... and I felt the tears beginning to well in my eyes.

I didn't want to make a scene at ALL, and so I quietly got up in the middle of the song, and went outside to cry by myself. I was sobbing quietly when a friend of mine, Chris DeRosa, came in. She was walking past me and I tried to pretend like I was fine, but she noticed I was crying and asked me what was wrong. I tried to just smile and say I was fine, but I couldn't hold it in.

You have to know that in our Barbershop choruses, singing at an international competition level, the WORK that you put into getting everything ready for competition is a LOT of work. I could understand if he couldn't go just because we were broke... but... it was just because the truck broke down that evening.

I explained to Chris DeRosa why I was crying. Explained about the car and all of that. Well... her family is a big-ole barbershopping family. Her brother, Tony, was the director, her dad, Papa Joe DeRosa was the former director and a VERY well known barbershopper. Her mom was also a barbershopper. She understood why I was so upset.

The next thing I remember was her talking to her parents, Lois and Papa Joe. They came over to me and said "he is taking our Van to Nashville, and you are not saying no".

Uh... what?

They explained that they had a van at home that was just going to sit there. It would make it to Nashville just fine. They insisted that we take the van.

How can we borrow their car? Not to run to the store... to run up to Nashville! It seemed like WAY too much. My ears were ringing... I remember being stunned by the offer. I kept trying to say no... I mean, what if something happened on the way up to Nashville? What if, God forbid, there was an accident? Papa Joe said if there was an accident - it was meant to be, it would have happened anyways, they had insurance, and they would not hold it against us by any means... it was God's will. Again, they wouldn't take no for an answer.

It's been many years now since that contest. Chris DeRosa is now Chris Kirkman... married to a WONDERFUL man. She lost her daughter to cancer. Papa Joe passed away the year before that. And I now sing in the chorus with Tony as director and his mom and Chris.

I will never forget their graciousness. They didn't just 'let us borrow a van'... they allowed him to make that memory of the International Competition in Nashville.

If the whole world were like the DeRosa's example... we'd live in one wonderful place. God is blessing them every day I'm sure.

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“‘You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ The entire law and all the demands of the prophets are based on these two commandments.”
Matthew 22:37-40