The Words Not Said

It's been a long time. I am not going to say here that it's because I've been busy, because it's not true. It's not because I've been too busy to blog. If you read some of my 'older' blogs.... then read some of my blogs from the past 6 months to a year, you will see a difference.

The truth is... I had a funk about me. I had... "something" in my life which was causing me a great amount of great emotional pain, discomfort, and it was just ------ uncomfortable. I've been stuffing it. I'm not the kind of person who deals with things 'head on'. When given a situation... I walk (or run). When Chris and I disagree... I go for a walk to clear my head. I do not deal with things head-on (much as that might surprise some of you who read some of the things I say in my blog). In my HEAD... I am clear and decisive because... in my BLOG... I get to ---- THINK. I ----- plot out or rather THINK out all sides of a situation (which is what I do when I walk)... then I formulate the best course of action (which is what I do towards the end of my walk) then I decide what to do when I get back (which is what I do after I blog). This................... situation.............. I was dealing with..... I didn't know what to do with. It was eating me up. It got to the point where I was unable to blog without it (the situation) overflowing into my blog. And... truly and honestly I wanted THIS blog to be a place about THE KIDS and Julie and that whole situation.... NOT about me and my life..... and it was becoming obvious to me that I couldn't make that happen. So I started to just give "updates" - quick and simple - so as to not divulge any personal heartfelt information to you. Right or wrong... it's what I had to do.

Well, I have not rid myself of that............ cancer, so to speak. Which....... is honestly what it felt like. I now feel..... HAPPY. Loving. Free. Loving. Happy. Blissful. Did I mention Loving? For anyone who even feels like asking - I will NOT go into a single detail about it. I am done with it, and I am thrilled with being done with it. Suffice to say, my home life is happy and that is ALL that matters. Well, all that matters as well as the fact that I personally am happy and have done the right thing. :o)

Okay.... well..... I am THRILLED to be back 'online'............ where do I start?

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Report cards came in! Kayte and Justin both have HONOR ROLL! Kayte has the highest GPA! Also Kayte is now out of Reading, having scored high enough on her FCAT (Justin did that last year already.) Jonathan didn't do so well... he had two D's - Algebra and Drama, the rest were A's, B's and C's. Kayla had all A's, B's and C's I believe, but what shook me to the core was the fact that she had 84 missed classes.

EIGHTY FOUR

How does a kid miss 84 classes and still pass the 11th grade?

One teacher gave her 20 "excused" absences. This was her teacher right after lunch. When I asked her about it she told me that the teacher was "dumb". Well... I don't think that's right.... I think the teacher needs to be counseled on what an 'excused' absence really is, and I plan on writing her about it! I know that Kayla would often tell me that she took two lunches to talk to her friends.... but I just never imagined the teacher would just ALLOW it and call it excused. I mean.... come on!

But - what has me on cloud nine is that Justin and Kayte - the two birthday kids this month - have honor roll! I'm so proud of them!!!!!!!!!!!

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Oh.............. BIG NEWS!!!

Gaither High School has a pop chorus group called "Showcase". Jonathan auditioned last year and didn't make it. I only say that so that you know that he isn't a 'shoe in' to make it all the time given the fact that he is a singer.

This year ------ HE MADE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We are all SO PROUD OF HIM!!!

The funniest thing they did... and I think I can say this here because none of next years kids will read this..... they do this thing to the newbies.... they called us ahead of time telling us they were coming over to pick him up and taking him to breakfast. At 3am.

At 3am the doorbell rings.

Two boys are there, come running up the stairs with swim noodles in hand and a whistle. The whack Jon with the noodles and blow the whistles, telling him to get up. Get up. Get up. Jonathan is now awake, screaming, trying to get away -- terrified. We, of course, have photos.

Once Jon finally realizes the guys are two boys he knows from Showcase, he calms down. Only after 5 minutes or so. Did I mention how LOUD this all was? Oh yeah... really loud!

It's only then that Jon realizes that they are holding -- a yellow sequin tiny top, a black mini skirt, black high heals, and a diaper. The boys tell him to 'put it on'. Jon tell them "not on your life". The guys tell him that... "now that you are in Showcase, you WILL wear what costumes you are given, and you will wear it with pride" or something like that. It takes a bit of convincing... but Jon thinks... eh - I'm just in my bedroom, what can it hurt? So... he finally decides to slip it on. He puts it on... and the boys say "okay, lets go to breakfast" and all the color drains out of Jon's face as he realizes that he now has to go OUT. To eat. In a restaurant. In THIS? No. Freaking. Way. He tells them NO. They again remind him of the Showcase costume and something about minding his elders in Showcase. He fights it, but to no avail. He ends up leaving with the two young men, yellow sequin top, so tight and short that he tummy was exposed, mini skirt, diaper, and high heals that fit him perfectly -- which, I might add, he walked freakishly well in.

Well, come to find out when they got home, the guys picked up two others on the way to breakfast. Jon was the first of three. Then, on the way to I-Hop, the driver was doing 50 in a 45. At 5 am. And the police noticed. Pulled on the side of a busy highway (Dale Mabry) the police officer comes over with his flashlight... shining in the drivers face.

"Have you been drinking young man?"

"Um, no officer! We were just on our way to breakfast!"

With that, the officer shines the flashlight to the rest of the occupants in the car. He sees Jon, a very white young man with a yellow skin tight sequin top, short skirt, high heels, and diaper. Another young man with a nightie, diaper, bib and a pacifier.

The police officer then flashes his flashlight back to the driver and asks "what is going on here?" The boy explains about how the boys all go to Gaither High School and the guys in the funny clothes just made Showcase and were being hazed and taken to breakfast. In a stern voice the policeman says "you boys wait right here!" He takes his walkie talkie and radios for someone to come to the scene. "Backup" the boys figure. He's called for backup. OMG!

The poor boys are freaking out.

Another car now pulls up.

An officer gets out and turns on his flashlight. He too comes up to the car, and the other officer who has already been there says "you have to see this!" The officer that just arrives looks at the boys in the car. The two officers have a good laugh.

You have to imagine they sure don't see stuff like that every day.

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I have more news about Julie. I'm pretty sure she wouldn't want me telling her business, but like it or not - she could use prayers.

She went through a really, REALLY, hard time a couple weeks ago. She had been 'dating' a really rough guy. But to understand that, you have to understand how and where she lives. She lives in a rough neighborhood. Personally I think she needs to shut her door and live peacefully on her own, out of crime, hate, and anything else 'bad' that goes on the 'the hood' in which she lives. However, I understand that I have always lived in nice neighborhoods and really don't know what it's like. Julie tells me that it's "not possible". That she HAS to "live" as these cockroaches live. She must adapt... she must "fit in".... she must act as they act, do as they do. Well, her "boyfriend" was scum of the earth. We all knew it before we really knew anything about him. The very fact that Julie refused to give us his NAME told us that he was no good. Julie said "call him Red". We wanted to look him up, she said no. Now we find out he's done all kinds of Felonies and even told Julie that he has KILLED people. KILLED??? OMG. Okay... well anyways....

And my apologies Julie - this story IS second hand - but it's my version of what you told me -

A couple weeks ago he got really drunk. Well, he always gets really drunk, he drinks from the time he wakes up till he goes to bed, but he REACTED badly this time. It was I think a Thursday. He wanted to start a fight with a neighbor and Julie made him come inside. Red's two kids were inside sleeping (5 and 6 years old.) Apparently he was not happy that Julie made him come inside and he got a knife turned it around and hit Julie on the head with it multiple times. This knocked her to the ground.

She then tried to get to a phone. He ripped her house phone out of the wall and took her cell phone.... so she was trapped.

That man sat man sat on her and punched her in the face continuously. While his innocent children slept.

He then got the knife and held it to her neck. You see, he already has more than 9 felony arrests (at least). He's got to be worried about the other felonies he hasn't yet be caught for. And now.... this? He told Julie that if he were going to prison... it was damn sure going to be for murder this time. He'd just kill her and be done with it. And with that.... he took the knife and held it to her neck. Sliced her neck.... not across the throat like you'd see on a movie. The back of the neck and down to her collar bone area - about 6 inches or so.

Again, he did this as his 5 and 6 year old kids slept.

Julie was begging for her life. But he said he would rather kill her than be charged with some less criminal felony. As the night wore on - did I mention already that he held her there ALL NIGHT LONG - Julie began to beg for this man to just kill her and get it over with. So incredibly sad. Night turned into day and I guess the guy eventually fell asleep.

Sometime in the morning Julie broke free and went to a neighbors house where she was able to call 911 and call police for help. They arrested "Red" and charged him with 3 Felony counts - Aggravated battery with a deadly weapon, false imprisonment and tampering with a witness. They also tagged a 4th charge of some drug charge that he had when he and Julie went to Miami - and his bond is over $30,000... so I think he'll be in jail for a while.

Some loser, eh? Yeah, she sure can pick 'em.

Speaking of which, I supposed Julie expects me to tell you, since she posted it on Facebook telling the world - expecting me to put it in my blog - Julie has a new job. She is working a phone sex line. I had posted before that she has done that before. Her kids were little.... Ron was working overseas.... and she actually did really well at that job back then. Now.... not so good. Maybe the times.... maybe she's older or more rough around the edges.... I dunno.... but anyways - it is what it is... and that's the deal.

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Chris and I had a simply FANTASTIC week a few weeks ago. His dad owns a home up in Tennessee. It was falling apart because we had renters in there who had taken advantage of us. Originally Doug had two kitchens in the house. Two refrigerators, two stoves, two sets of counters and cabinets. There were holes in the floors, ceilings, walls, etc. A few weeks before Chris and I got there Chris and a whole crew of family members had done a ton of work to level the house, put in some flooring, paint and just do all kinds of work.

Chris had mentioned going up there 'alone' to do some more work to finish up the house so that we might be able to sell it to get out from under the note. Well, I knew it had a lot of work left to be done. I knew we had a vacation we had hoped to take in July... but with the economy - who really knew if we could take it. So... a few days before he left... I asked my boss if I could take the week off to go with him. I figured: what's the worst he could say? No? Well, he said - "Sure! You deserve it!" As fate so often has it... our Durango broke down just days before the trip as well. Evie jumped in to save us and said that she would be happy to come with us and would allow us to take her Truck up to Tennessee. God had, once again, stepped in to save us.

At the time I didn't know God was also stepping in planning the entire trip - yet He was. :o)

We drove up to Tennessee and once there, Evie went to visit family.

Now, you have to realize there isn't much to this house. No furniture. Just a window-shaker for an AC. No bed - we slept on air mattresses. No stove (someone had stolen ALL appliances out of both kitchens). The trip before this one Chris and family replaced the sink and toilet because someone had come in and broken the sink and toilet - thank goodness. There was no kitchen sink however. We called it... "camping, but not really".

Chris and I worked our TAILS off. Up at the crack of dawn. Ate a little something, worked all day, worked all night, grilled out for the most part on a gas grill (eating on the tailgate of the truck) then back to work until we just about passed out about midnight or so. Then rinse and repeat again when the rooster crowed at dawn.

The time alone gave Chris and I the time to -- well -- be alone. I mean... REALLY alone. No kids. No house. No bills. No car (well, not our car that is). No job. No stress. No worries.

Just

Us

And ya know what we found out?

We really and truly LOVE each other. When push came to shove.... when the chips were down.... we are madly and truly in love.

And let me tell you why that is important. Often times people are in love only because of circumstance. They are in love BECAUSE of the kids. They are in love BECAUSE they work in the same field. They are in love BECAUSE of what their husband does for a living. Or BECAUSE of how much money their husband makes or wife makes. Or BECAUSE of what their wife 'does' for them. To find out that you can take all the 'layers' of life away from your marriage.... skim it down to the bone and find out that you truly madly love that person... is so so so so great.

And some of you might be going... "well... duh!" But let me remind you....

We met when we were like 16 or 17 or whatever. We were kids. Then we HAD a kid. Then another kid. Then my sister's kids. And lately -- lately I think there has been this underlying FEAR of.................

"What if.................. what if we are alone after the kids............ alone for the FIRST TIME and realize.... huh.... I don't like her. Or.... I don't like him."

What then??????

You hear about that happening after 25 years of marriage, right?

What happens then? We become that statistic? YUCK.

Well, as often happens - God walked into our lives and said -- "Come into this house and let me show you." And show us he did. We worked. We talked. We worked some more. We talked some more. We loved. We shared. We enjoyed. We evolved.

What a week.

And you should SEE the pictures of the house! If you have Facebook.... go to my facebook and check 'em out! I won't post them here, as there are just too many of them. Or... email me and I'll send them to you if you are really interested! They are way good!

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I should also mention about the migraine. The big one. I'd be remiss if I didn't mention it.

I have had a migraine for more than 2 weeks now.

And before anyone even mentions it... it is NOT stress related. It's really kind of funny actually that it's the first thing that comes to mind. Stress, then triggers. My doctors and I have ruled those two out. I'm actually the most UN-stressed I have been in more than a year this past month now that I'm free of what I mentioned in the beginning of this blog. I'm not just saying that.... I literally feel remarkably free of stress. I don't yell at the kids hardly. At chorus... if I can't make it... I can't make it and don't worry about it. I'm... not the same person I was before.

I have been to the Emergency room - only the third time in my lifetime. I have been to the doctor twice. (Family practice and Neurologist) I have taken so much medication that I think I could kill an elephant. If I took it all at once that is. Okay, not really all at once. Now, before I get any long lectures from pharmacists out there, I worked for 16 years in the medical field... I didn't do anything to kill my liver or anything - I was..... somewhat..... smart..... about taking too much medication. For example: on Friday the 12th - one of my HORRIBLE headaches (they were all horrible, but that day was really long and really horrible) throughout the entire day I took: 3,200mg of Ibuprofen, 6 Fioricet, 6 Excedrin Migraine, 4 Sudafed, 4 Tylenol Cold and Sinus, 4 Tylenols and what killed me was that between 9 pm and 1am I had 3 - count 'em - 3 of those 5-hour energy drinks. Yeah.... not good. Puking my guts up by 5 am the morning of the 13th.

The doctors and I have talked about triggers... and I'm not eating or drinking any triggers. The really ironic part is: I haven't had a single glass of red wine since before Chris and I went to Tennessee. Even before that, being a person with migraines for a lifetime, I'd control that with Ibuprofen: knowing that if I took 2 Ibuprofen before having a glass of wine, I would not have any migraine. But still.... haven't had any at all in a while. No chocolate. No caffeine (not that I ever drank much soda to begin with, but still.) Some sugar substitutes cause migraines, but I don't use those either. So... my doctors have no clue. The ONLY thing they can think is that I was off the preventative pills for a while. They were expensive... and when I needed to cut costs at home, something for 'me' rather than the kids was going to be on the chopping block. BUT - I have since learned that two months ago they came out with a generic for this preventative pill.... SO... there is no need anyways to cut this cost! I've been back on the preventative pill for a couple weeks... but still.... the headache continues.

I had an emergency MRI yesterday after seeing the Neurologist. First of all, the Neurologist (new to me, I'd never seen her before) was FURIOUS with Tampa General Hospital. She kept asking me: "How could they let you go... a migraine patient who walked in with a migraine for more than 10 days at the time, and NOT give you a Triptan? I don't understand??" I just said... I didn't know. A triptan, apparently, is a migraine medicine. I told her I told them that I had Fioricet, but Fioricet is for general headaches, a triptan is for actual/true migraines. Those who have Migraines actually KNOW the difference between the two. She said "I don't know what you are going to end up paying TGH, but to walk out of there with a shot that ended up not helping and NO prescription for a Triptan is absolutely ridiculous." And... in retrospect, she is correct. I plan on writing a letter to the head of TGH when I am feeling better. The doctor himself was very kind. The staff too was kind. The wait... not so good. The fact that the toilet in the room (which itself was rather cool ) didn't flush and was full of poo - was disGUSting! The only way to go to the bathroom... in my GOWN... was to go back out to the waiting room. Yuck. Not gonna happen. I held it - for a VERY long time. HOURS after they took out my IV. And... if you've ever held it AFTER having an IV, you KNOW how uncomfortable that can be. LOL

Oh.... the "good news" about all of this.... about the migraine? I've lost 10lbs. So far. Just... not hungry. Can't eat. Sometimes I throw up if I do when it's really bad. For example, it's now 2:30 on Wednesday and the last thing I had was dinner last night. I'm going to a meeting tonight for Showcase for Jonathan, so I can't make dinner for the kids... so I honestly don't know when I'll actually eat next.... except that my pharmacist JUST told me that for the steroids I need to take when I get home (because I forgot to take them to work with me) I absolutely HAVE to eat. SHOOT. ARGH. So it'll have to be toast of something simple on the tummy.

Ya know what's funny? I just got the paperwork from the hospital. There is a lot I find funny about the paperwork... the fact they said I didn't tell them I had a low-grade fever.... how long we were even THERE.... but the thing I found the most funny was that he said, and I highlighted it so that I could find it again, and this was referring to my describing this particular headache: "not the worst of her life, therefore I doubt SAH". Now I don't know what the heck SAH is.... but - this is - by far, and hear me when I say this loud and clear - by FAR - the WORST headache of my life. NEVER have I had a headache like this. Chris can confirm for me if I have ever - in my headache stupor - said something different. And I realize I very well may have said something else... because I have in many instances recently been not making ANY sense and I get that. I got an email from our team coordinator of our chorus who put something in the chorus newsletter talking about my headaches calling me "loopy" and when I questioned her about it, she said she was trying to be "nice" about the conversation we had. My reply...? "We had a conversation??" LOL

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I tell you all, it is a pleasure to be back online. This blog will hopefully be less "here is your update"-ish and more "OH-MY-GOSH" and "Okay guys, this is how I feel"-ish... because that is how this blog was intended to be. Today... well.... today I just have this migraine, and so - if there is any part of it that sounds.... I don't know... negative.... please understand that is probably why.

Please know that I am blissfully happy. Sure, the kids are teenagers. Two SENIORS (oh my GOSH) and two JUNIOR (oh my GOSH) which will come with a whole set of - well - moments! Good moments.... bad moments... and... all in all... moments that we can all share together! You can all laugh with me.... cry with me.... and pray with me.

Thanks for being there with me through it all.

He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD. Proverbs 18:22