Heroes In Panama & Prayers Needed

I'm back in Tampa! The flight home was pretty much uneventful. We left on time and landed early. I was quite nervous on take-off and landing, of course. Upon landing in Tampa I had the headset on that they give you on the plane. You can choose different radio stations and I had been flipping through various genres and as I was landing I came across the Celtic Women singing "How Can I Keep From Singing". Watching the lights of Tampa, knowing I was almost home, knowing my husband was on this mission that I just can't understand how he's been moved to do to help my sister, and hearing that angelic voice.... it just brought me to tears. It was a good flight.

Chris brought Julie up to the Twelve Oaks Recovery and things there have not gone so well. Her insurance, Tricare, now wonders if Julie's problem is Psychiatric or Substance Abuse. Twelve Oaks program is for Substance Abuse. I think Julie's problem is a good mix of both. Undoubtedly she abuses medications. But, does she do so because she is mentally ill? Or is her mental illness much worse because of the massive doses of medications? Who's to say really?

All I know is that Julie abuses medications like nobody I've ever seen. She doctor shops. She takes medication to sleep, to wake up, to poop, to stop pooping, to feel happy, to stop feeling so happy, she takes medications that makes her hands shake, then medications to stop making her hands shake. Taking Tylenol or Advil never crosses her mind when she's got access to Percocet or Morphine. Even the doctors have told me that she abuses medications. Those same doctors have turned around and given her medications. Funny.

What was supposed to happen was Chris and Michelle were going to drop Julie off at Twelve Oaks and come home. When they arrived however, they were told that they needed to wait an hour until Julie underwent "pre-certification". They talked to Julie for an hour or so to get a "history".

After this history, Twelve Oaks called Tricare and this is when Tricare told them that they didn't think she met the criteria of a substance abuser.

This is when Chris really stepped in. He could probably tell this story better, but I'll try. Chris goes in to talk to the people. He wants to know how it's possible that they could possibly feel this way. He said, "Jeez, she snuck Ativan into Memorial hospital because she needed a fix there, isn't that abuse?" The admissions person said Julie didn't tell them about that.

Then Chris said "What about all of her overdoses? I mean, how can she take 500 prescription pills and nobody think that she has a prescription pill problem??" They said... "She overdosed??"

It became apparent that Julie had not been truthful with them in her meeting.

I should point out here that Julie is not the same Julie that was at my house a couple weeks ago. Dr. Vijapuri has her medicated again, and he has her on TWENTY DIFFERENT PRESCRIPTIONS a day again. Not pills, prescriptions. Every day. She is slurred, unfocused, and just not herself. She slept 7 hours in the car on the way up to Twelve Oaks. Poor thing. Again, I don't think this is Julie's fault. This doctor always medicates her TREMENDOUSLY. Then she gets addicted and can't function without pills.

So, Chris presses Julie further about what she did and didn't tell them. He said, "What about her Ativan? How many a day did she tell you that she takes?" Well, Julie told them that her bottle said to take 2 a day and sometimes she takes 3. Nobody believes that... She takes way more than 3 Ativan a day. She admitted to that.

Then he said "What about her Xanax?" They said that her bottle said to take "As needed" which means she can take them whenever she thinks she needs them. Not good. So, you can't abuse this medication?? Chris said to Julie: "Julie, how many BOTTLES of Xanax do you have in your home right now?" Julie said "Fifteen". FIFTEEN??? Then he said: "Of those 15 bottles, how many different doctors prescribed them?" Julie replied: "Four". But... Julie doesn't think that's a problem, you see. Fifteen bottles. Four doctors. Not a problem?

Chris told them that he really felt that Julie was in denial about her problem and that any history that she gave them would have been inconsistent with the truth. The truth is: Julie has a problem. She abuses medication. She doesn't know how to cope with problems without popping a pill or cutting herself.

They had asked if any of Julie's abuse was documented and Chris told them about my blog. They asked if he could print it so that they could read it. He told them it would be too many pages and many pages would be irrelevant to Julie's prescription problem. But he told her that she could pull up the page (gave her the address) and just do a search on the page for key words such as "Overdose" or "slurred" or "Slurring" or "Medication" or even "Ativan or Xanax or Percocet". She agreed to try and pull up some history from the page. This might help convince Tricare... Who knows.

Julie's mental illness has opened a door that has allowed doctors to come in and overmedicate her and has allowed her easy access to medications that she otherwise probably could never have been given. I understand Tricare's hesitation at not wanting to put a label on this whole thing as "Substance Abuse". I totally get that. But - it's a piece to a big puzzle. For sixteen years Tricare has been dumping hundreds and hundreds of thousands of dollars into treatment that has NOT WORKED for Julie. Why continue to do the same? As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be at all surprised if Julie's prescriptions and hospitalizations have cost Tricare upwards of a million dollars over the years. Maybe if they get her OFF all of the addictive medications she can then clearly focus on getting herself better. Which of course means saving money in the long run, right?

Oh geez. You know what? Now I feel really bad. Julie had asked me if I thought she should go to Memorial Hospital back when she was doing so well. She wanted to get in and get some treatment that she had put off back when she had refused it. I told her it was a good idea. Now.... Now she is back with Dr. Vijapuri on massive doses of medications which have robbed her of her clarity and her mental focus. And I told her I thought she should go. Geez... I really hope Twelve Oaks keeps her and can make her better.

Oh, continuing that story....

So, they wondered if Julie was in denial. They are going to do a medical work-up on her today and call Tricare again and try to talk them into approving treatment. This threw a wrench into a lot of things.... Chris and Michelle had to get hotel rooms to stay over and wait to see if approved and they could come home today without Julie or she was denied and they take her home today. Chris misses another day of work today. Also, Amanda and Gene were to come over today to celebrate his birthday (their day off) but since he won't be here till late tonight, they cancelled. Michelle had a training day today and she had to cancel that trip as well.

All this comes at a time when we really can't afford it. Literally. Chris's birthday, Thanksgiving next week is at my house and I'm supposed to be cooking dinner. Christmas is in a month. Oh Lordy. Two days off work and an unplanned stay in a hotel is not what we need. The last thing we need actually. I'll probably going to end up doing a payday advance before this week is over. I HATE those things. They just stick it to you, ya know?

And I hate even typing that I'm worried about this kind of thing. Chris and Michelle are absolute ANGELS - angels without wings who drove Julie all the way up to Pensacola. They are heroes, who have put her needs above their own.

I'd like to ask for a favor please. Could you all please say some strong prayers today? Say bigtime prayers for Julie... That she will be able to get treatment at Twelve Oaks. That is the most important prayer of all. She needs something. And, if it isn't God's plan for her to get into Twelve Oaks, then pray for Julie to handle things okay when she returns home. Just - big prayers y'all, okay? And while you are praying, please say a quick one that things with us go okay financially. I really am quite worried. I should have faith that God will provide. I think I will go pray about that now....

"That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life - whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn't life more than food, and your body more than clothing? Look at the birds. They don't plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren't you far more valuable to him than they are? Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?

And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don't work or make their clothing, yet Solomon and all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?

So don't worry about these things, saying, 'What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?' These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.

So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring it's own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today."

Matthew 6:25-34

From Bad To Worse

I'm safely in Chicago, although things actuallly got worse when I got here.

One of the things I neglected to tell you in sharing the story of the plane nightmare was that Tampa International pointed out to me that my Drivers License was expired.

Expired? My license? Couldn't be. Had to be a mistake. Heck, my birthday was in MARCH for goodness sake, EIGHT months ago. How could I possibly have forgotten that for EIGHT months? I've neglected it till the end of the month in the past, sure. But EIGHT months, no. There must be some mistake. Surely I must have done it online and have received the sticker thingy and just have FORGOTTEN to have placed it on the back of my license. That had to be it. I could not possibly have neglected this for EIGHT months.

At the airport they let me through, although I had to go through extra security... What they fondly called the "TSA Tickle". It didn't ticle, let me tell ya. They took out everything I had, swabed every part of my luggage, patted me down, blow tested my clothes in some chamber thingy, threw away my damn toothpaste (although IT was less than 3 ozs, the container it was IN was not, so it had to be tossed.)

Okay, fine. So I have to go through additional security. I'm okay with that. I made a mental note to myself... When I get home, I MUST check on my drivers license.

Although, it hit me when I was in the Hertz tram that I might have a problem renting my car in Chicago. Might??? Yeah....

It was a 30 mile drive from the Airport to my hotel tonight. Then another 5 miles to the training session tomorrow. Then 30 back tomorrow to the airport. A cab could cost me a FORTUNE.

I tried to sweet-talk my way into explaining that I surely had forgotten to put the sticker on the back, it wasn't REALLY expired - but nobody at Hertz bought it. They told me that if I could prove that my license was good, they could rent to me. Otherwise, I'd have to find another form of transportation. They were going to have to call me a cab.

At this point I tried to call Chris but couldn't reach him. Then I called my friend Michelle. I had her log into Florida's Driver's License check and pull up my drivers license number. Sure as heck........ Expired March 13, 2007. ARE YOU KIDDING ME???

At this point I broke into tears. Literally. How could I let this happen? I am usually SO GOOD with this kind of thing. Michelle checks at first and doesn't see where we can renew it online now and I really begin to lose it. I'm realizing the fact that I am in this HUGE city, alone, it's cold, I'm alone, did I mention this place is huge, oh and that I'm alone, and that I have crammed in one day of training, on a very tight schedule, alone, in this big city, and I just feel completely overwhelmed. Michelle checks again and low and behold, you CAN renew it online. She said... "wait a minute, I'm going to get my credit card", and before I could pull myself together long enough to say "what did you just say?" she was done.

Sixteen dollars and literally two minutes later and she had faxed Hertz in Chicago Airport the confirmation that my license was indeed valid.

I am now driivng a PT Cruiser.

It's 11 pm Chicago time - Midnight my time. I have to be in training in 8 hours, and I haven't eaten since lunch. I'm exhausted, I'm cold, I'm tired, and I'm hungry. Oh, and I am ever so thankful that I have a friend like Michelle who stepped in and immediately went into action and helped me with my drivers license. Girl, you are a true friend. Thanks.

I think I'm going to unpack. Kinda funny actually, I only brought one outfit - but I'm kinda funny about that. When I go to a hotel, I always have to unpack. Even though at 7:30 tomorrow morning I'll be checking out.

I ordered pizza. Should be here any minute. Maybe from here on out things will get better. Keep your fingers crossed. :o)

Chicago

I don't think I told you why I was going to Chicago. I have to go for a business trip, flying out Monday afternoon, was to have dinner with the group on Monday night, then an all day training session on Tuesday and I fly home on Tuesday night. Back to work on Wednesday morning. Nothing great... But flying to Chicago even for a day and a half all by myself is pretty exciting I must say.

Although, it's not so exciting right this second. I'm typing this from the plane. The flight was delayed about 30 minutes to begin with. This was a bit of a concern as I was to fly in at 5:15 and meet the group for dinner at 6. Tight, but do-able.

We sat on the runway for a while, which is always a bit uncomfortable. Crying babies, and air blowing out that is anything BUT cool. Ick. Then we start to take off.

I'm not a great flyer. I don't fly much and when I do, I'm usually uncomfortable at take-off and landing. I'm a handle-gripper and breath-holder till we are comfortably safe.

We begin take off and as we start to lift off, all the sudden we drop and the brakes go on, and the flaps on the wings (which I can see clearly from my window seat) flip up. The plane screeches and everyone on the plane begins to panic. A flight attendant comes on to tell us not to worry, everything is fine.

Fine my ass.

I don't mean to curse really (Chris I'm sure will talk to me about that) but you have to realize that I was NOT ready to meet my maker at 3:45 this afternoon. Ya know?

We stopped quickly and pulled off the runway. "Stopped quickly" is putting it mildly. We stopped so quickly that we were smoking and we blew two tires.

Needless to say, the plane is broken and we can't take this plane to Chicago. Something in the panel blinked which freaked out the pilot so he stopped the plane. Quickly. So quickly that it melted two of the tires. Geez Louise.

So, here I sit - still in sunny Florida - on an airplane awaiting further instructions.

I spoke too soon. A plane landed from New York and apparently had no place better to go, so they are using that plane and our crew is taking it and us to Chicago. Yee haw.

I'm now seated on this plane. Patiently awaiting take-off. Oh my goodness... After the last one... I'm pretty darn nervous. I'll tell ya what. Not that it matters to all of YOU, but I'm going to not close out this blog until I am safely in the air. I will let you know once we are up in the air.

Whew... As I type, I'm probably somewhere over Georgia or someplace. My 3:15 flight didn't leave until after 6 p.m., but we are now up in the air and I'm on my way to Chicago.

Please keep Chris and Michelle in your prayers tomorrow as they take Julie to Twelve Oaks. I was thinking about the trip on the way to the airport and it occurred to me that I'm not sure who's going to be able to get the gas Julie needs for her car for the trip. That... And pray for patience for Chris. He's a good hearted soul who has taken on a lot and I'm forever grateful to him for doing so.

One more thing before I go. I wanted to say a BIG HUGE thank you to Katie, Evie and Michelle who came through to help me pull off Chris's birthday party Sunday. You guys are the best and I most certainly could NOT have done it without you. Thank you so much for being there for him... For being there for us. We love you so much.

I should run. Plane ride is getting a bit bumpy.... Ugg. I'll bet I can't post this blog while up here in the plane, but I'll try. I suppose that just means that when this finally sends, you'll know I've safely landed. Albiet more than three hours late.

I'll just be thanking God that I'm safe. Remember to thank God for your blessings.

Off To Chicago

Yes, in 15 minutes or so, I'm in a car headed to the airport and off to Chicago! Yippee! Couldn't go without stopping in to blog real quick first though.

I have many praises to report... Chris had an AWESOME party yesterday. He turned 40 on 11/11 and we had lots of people over the house. Friends, family and Chick-fil-A. It was great. I'd say we had roughly 50 people here - and Chris certainly HAD to know he was LOVED. It was obvious how many new friends we've made since joining VanDyke church. Our circle of friends has grown tremendously and it's been so wonderful. I planned so much - cleaned for 2 days straight - didn't sit down hardly at all on Sunday - spent WAY over budget - but the party was a success.

The other big success is that it is about 99% probable that Julie is going up to Twelve Oaks Recovery tomorrow for a long term treatment program. I don't remember what I last blogged about here so let me quickly fill you in on the details: Originally they were going to have her go to the 90-day program here in Tampa. However, they say that it's a "State-fun facility" and that they really don't feel Julie would 'get that much' out of it really. It's full of really TRULY "crazy people" with no insurance. Twelve Oaks is a very nice facility that is better suited for Julie's kind of condition. However, Twelve Oaks in in Panama City. They wouldn't let her go from Memorial Hospital unless she could convince them that she indeed had a ride from the hospital directly to Twelve Oaks.

Well, who was going to bring her to Twelve Oaks? Who would want to sit in a car for 7-8 hours up and 7-9 hours back?

My husband, the angel, and my good friend, Michelle, volunteered to do just that. Out of the goodness of their hearts.... tomorrow the plan is this: at 6am Chris and Michelle will be at Memorial Hospital and they will pick up Julie. Chris will drive Julie in Julie's car. Michelle will follow them in HER car all the way up to Twelve Oaks. They will drop Julie off at Twelve Oaks then the two of them will drive back to Tampa in Michelle's car, leaving Julie's car at Twelve Oaks so that when she is better and is released, she can drive herself home.

I'm telling you - it HAD to be a God thing for Chris and Michelle to agree to do this. If you could have been there when they volunteered.... it was a Friday night -- we were at my house - cleaning for the big party -- Julie called for the kids and was talking about how she couldn't go to Twelve Oaks because of the drive. Chris just......... said it. "I'll take her". Unreal.

Those of you who may have known Chris and myself 3 years ago -- my goodness -- all I can say is that -- this kind of thing would have never happened 3 years ago. Chris and I have CHANGED in ginormous ways over the past few years. The kids coming to our house. God coming into our lives. Accepting Jesus into our hearts. Living Christian lives. God just came in and took OVER. And, I sometimes catch glimpses like this very one at the table that night -- and I quickly think to years ago what would have happened -- and I just have to laugh. Thank God for where we are -- and laugh, a happy laugh.

ATM

Well, Chris is gone the rest of the week for another beach job. Boy oh boy, it's such a love-hate thing. I try not to get stressed about it because I know it makes HIM stressed, and he is out there working and there isn't a darn thing he can do out there in Treasure Island for me when I'm stressed here in Tampa. So... I try to deal with it. Which means... Blog! So - here goes!

I don't know if I mentioned the Durango broke this weekend. Transmission is slipping, ball joints are torn and worn, power steering is still leaking albeit much less - and now the water pump is out. GREAT. Perfect timing, eh? Chris tells me it's a pretty easy and relatively inexpensive fix (I really do thank the Lord that he can fix all this stuff, he's truly an amazing husband). It's just... He's out of town and so I'm here with no vehicle to drive all the kids around in should we all need to go someplace. I suppose there really isn't anyplace we should need to go - which is a good thing.

So, I almost have a garage again! For Chris's birthday I bought him a HUGE shed. Plenty big enough for him to move everything that he needs for work out of the garage - PLUS tons more room. The plan is that I'll be able to get the little Mustang in the garage. That'll be nice. Since it's a convertible, it doesn't handle the rain so well. So, we'd have a garage with the two red convertibles in it - how cool is that? And Chris would have a big 'ole shed to keep all his tools and work things in. He did a great job framing in the floor and building the shed. It probably took 100 man-hours - we had Chris, Wayne and Justin working on the shed the ENTIRE day on Saturday, sun up until way after the sun went down. Then Chris worked on it a bit alone on Sunday for a little while, and on Monday he and Wayne worked one it all day again. There is still a little bit that needs to be done, but we could start moving things in any time. Course, that brings up the painful memory of the small detail that he's NOT HERE. Sigh.

Speaking of him not being here, Chris is turning FORTY on Sunday. I'm going to have a party for him here at the house. He said he didn't want anything too big, just some friends at the house would be fine. But then, when I ask him if he wants to invite someone he says "well, on YOUR birthday, I'm going to handle all that, you won't need to do anything." I suppose that means he wants me to handle it all, eh? Yeah I think so. I've invited quite a few people over, which always makes me nervous.

Our house... Isn't the cleanest house on the block, ya know? We have all these kids and I just REFUSE to do things that I know they are supposed to be doing. For example, this weekend I spent a lot of time dusting the office. I looked down and the office floors were horrible. Sure, Jonathan took a broom to them every once in a while, but he didn't really get corners or pay much attention to the dust or corners or anything. As a result, the floors, if you really look at them, look awful. Dusting I'll do because that's an 'above and beyond' chore that as a mom I do every week. The floor is their responsibility and I EXPECT them to do it.

That being said, I don't expect them to do it with the same thoroughness that I would -- I myself would get on my hands and knees with a rag, start in one corner and work my way to the other wall until the entire floor was clean. I don't expect that of them, but I do expect to not see dirt, pens, socks, shoes, hair and/or dust balls and other things on the floor untouched AFTER they are done. Ya know?

OIE

Kayte just called. She is in a class called Child Development. They learn all about babies in this class. How to care for a baby and what a HUGE responsibility they are (she even saw a full birth video). So, she just NOW tells me that she has a project that is due tomorrow. She needs me to run to the store to get her:
A 5 lb. bag of Flour
A Newborn baby outfit
A bag of cotton
Size B Pantyhose

Apparently tomorrow they are 'making' a 5 lb. baby. I'm supposed to run right out tonight and buy all this stuff? Really??? One day notice? Funds are TIGHT this month. Chris's birthday.... Thanksgiving... Christmas next month. And I have to BUY an outfit, flour, cotton and pantyhose for a pretend baby? Sigh.....

Speaking of funds being tight, Gwen emailed me today about the kids coming up in December. We discussed renting a car and driving them up, but I found airfare for $250 for all 3 kids. I can't rent a car big enough for all the kids and Chris and I, take it out of state, and buy the gas for less than that. So, we're doing the plane tickets instead. It just makes more sense, ya know?

I can't believe I have to go out after work tonight and buy baby clothes.

So, Justin went home from school sick today. Poor little guy. It's his first sick day home since he's been living with me. I don't let them come home and stay home unless they are running a fever. He had a low-grade fever, but it was enough to where the school nurse asked me to come and get him. Hopefully he'll be better tomorrow. Mister "C" man can't afford days off school. He has NO wiggle-room.

Oh, and he just called claiming to suddenly feel 'all better' and he wants to go play at the park with friends. NO WAY mister! These kids totally do NOT know my sick rules. When you are home sick, you are home SICK. No playing around, no games, no friends, nothing. You stay in bed until you get better. When you are well enough for school, THEN you are well enough to play.

Then I get home tonight - after shopping for all the 'baby stuff' and Justin tells me he needs me to run to Borders to buy him a book. Buy him a book? Today? What???? No, it's just NOT HAPPENING. It's 6pm. I've got to start dinner. I haven't even been in the house 5 minutes. Already they are needing something else. More money. I should have had "ATM" tattooed on me instead of my music note, that's kinda what I'm thinking. Oh, Evie, I'm kidding! But seriously... it's the middle of the month. I'm parenting alone. And SUDDENLY all these needs come up?

To add to the chaos tonight, Jonathan is FURIOUS. He has a D in Spanish which automatically puts him on restriction. His D is because of 3 F's and a D. TWO of those F's were Zeros, so if you ask me, he's pretty darn luck he's got a D right now, not an F. Anyways, he's HATING Spanish right now. He wants out of the class. He said he got the Zeros because he simply doesn't understand it. He's going to the guidance counselor tomorrow to discuss his options - but he's pretty sure they can't take him out until after this 9-weeks is over.

So, what does Jonathan do? Well, he's throwing things, yelling, kicking over a chair, getting all kinds of mad. As if this is anybodys fault other than his own. I mean, I'm really SORRY that he's not getting it, but even he said every single other person in the class is 'getting it' just fine. He simply is not. And that's sad... but is SURE IS NO REASON TO GET ANGRY.

Speaking of bad kids....

Tell me how bad of a daughter I am. I've told EVERYONE to make sure to call my mom today. I've been sending Amanda reminders for days. The kids and I have been talking about it. I keep a google calendar so I get email and text message reminders of things like birthdays.

I usually call when I FIRST get up and sing "Happy Birthday". This morning I awoke at 5 am. No, really. Five this morning - check my Myspace. It was way too early to call her so I got busy doing a zillion other things. Minutes passed into hours.

You see, typically my morning are VERY routine. I get up with the kids sometimes sure just to make sure they are up, but not really 'awake'. I really wake up at about 7:30 when out cat Jinx is barking at the door wanting to come in and be loved for 10 minutes. I let him in at 7:30 and at 7:40 I'm up getting dressed for work and am out the door by 7:45 or so. But not this morning, I think the time change has me out of whack.

Mid-morning I called mom as I usually do for normal chit-chat kinda stuff. Do I remember that I'd FORGOTTEN to call her first thing and sing "Happy Birthday"? No, of course I don't.

So, we are talking and she sneaks in with "So, you are just not going to wish me a happy birthday?"

GULP

How did I let that happen when I was so prepared??? I suppose it's better than last year when I blew a tire on the way to her birthday dinner and showed up SUPER late, dirty, frazzled, and totally unprepared at that point. I mean, really. Sheesh.

So.... Mom... HAPPY BIRTHDAY! This one is for you mommy:

A Wonderful Mother
By: Pat O'Reilly

God made a wonderful mother
A mother who never grows old;
He made her smile of the sunshine,
And He molded her heart of pure gold;

In her eyes He placed bright shining stars,
In her cheeks, fair roses you see;
God made a wonderful mother,
And He gave that dear mother to me.

Capable Teenagers?

Did I say I was going to have more time to blog? Ha ha ha ha ha. That totally didn't happen.

We did find out who broke the laptop though. Justin finally fessed up and told us that he tripped over the cord and it yanked out of the back, tearing out the plug which broke the connector inside and the outside connection. Frustrating. Since Justin confessed, we allowed the other kids to get on the computers and told Justin he could get back on only after he earned enough money to FIX the laptop himself. Consequences. There has be be consequences. Sheesh.

So, I had a GREAT week last week. At my job, my bosses told me that if I did my own 'job', selling enough product to close a job which generated more than $4,000 commission, I would be entitled to a "Fun Day Off" that didn't count towards company vacation or sick days. Sure enough, I recently closed out a job that I did 100% on my own in which I did a buy-resell with enough profit to bring in over $6,000 in profit. So... I got my fun day off!

We decided to go to Orlando and try the Halloween Horror Nights at Universal. We've never been there, we hear it's scary, and there is ALWAYS lots to do in Orlando to spend a day. So, Chris and his partner Wayne and our friend Michelle (who does lots of work for Chris and Wayne's company, almost to the point of being an employee of theirs!) all headed over to Orlando last Thursday.

I was super excited about it because it's not often I just take a day in the middle of the week for just me to do something for ME. It was exciting, I tell ya. I was so looking forward to it.

We left about 10 am. Typically on a Thursday night, we get home about 5:30 and head out at 6:45 for choir practice. We are usually at church singing until the kids go to bed, so they put themselves to bed on Thursday nights. Heck, they are 14, 15, 15 and 16, right?

Knowing that they would be 'unsupervised' outside of what we'd normally have been gone for on a Thursday night only less than 2 hours, it didn't occur to me that I should hire a babysitter. Not for the teenagers of their age. I mean --- really??

Well, maybe I should have! About 4 pm that afternoon my phone started ringing off the hook. I can't get into details of what the fight was about -- but lets just say that Kayte and Justin told Jonathan something that made him very upset and very angry.

Kayte and Justin had at one point in time behaved in such a way that Jonathan felt was more like the way they would have acted when they lived at home with their mother, not in our house. Not on this day, but a while ago and it came up in conversation. Jonathan got mad. He left and went to a friend's house.

In the meantime Justin and Kayte were trying to find him. We knew he had to be at this one friends house and I called his mother. Sure enough he was there. Justin and Kayte didn't' know for sure where he went... so they went looking for him. This entire time Kayla was at work, and was not a part of any of the chaos.

To say that it completely halted my fun would be an understatement. I ended up yelling at kids on the phone, to the point where one time Wayne took the phone OUT of my hands and told whatever kid he was talking to that this was their Auntie Tina's ONE DAY OFF without kids -- to DEAL WITH IT on their own.

Problem is... Justin and Kayte have lived in one world, and Jonathan lived in another. What Kayte and Justin view as 'normal' Jonathan views as horrible. But, it's because of what they were exposed to at such a young age.

Anyways, the whole thing happened while we were in Orlando. I say 'happened' -- although nothing really 'happened' while we were there. They just had an argument. A big argument. As a result, the whole extended family no longer thinks we can leave the teenagers alone ever again. How incredibly frustrating that I can't take a few hours to myself without getting someone to come over and watch the kids... As old as they are.

Family called throughout the evening to find out what was going on at the house. Problem is wires got crossed, someone said they thought Evie was going over there, someone thought Katie was going over to the house. Nobody really needed to go over - but everyone wanted to make sure things were okay.

Tony (Katie's husband) ended up driving over (thank you Tony!) to check in on them right about bed time. Sure enough... the house was clean, the kids peaceful and quiet. Kinda funny when you think about it. But it also gave Tony an opportunity to have a good "Uncle Talk" with them.

Still, it's upsetting to know that I can't leave them alone without worrying that they might get into a fight, or do something, or whatever. We went to a Buccaneers game on Sunday (Thank you Michelle) and you can bet that it crossed my mind multiple times "What are the kids doing? Are they getting into trouble? Are they behaving?"

Sigh

Okay, enough about the kids!

Julie seems to be doing very well. Better than she has done in a VERY VERY VERY VERY long time. She is still lat Memorial Hospital but has been approved for a long-term stay at Northside Treatment center for a 90-Day treatment program. She will be there over Christmas, can you believe it? I'm so happy that she is doing so well.

I keep finding the need to remind myself though that she still has a mental illness... She will always have a mental illness. It is very easy to think "it's over, she's better!" which would not be a good thing. She still has issues, and she always will - she just needs to deal with them appropriately and quickly as they come up. I mean... As well as I thought she was doing this whole month, I found out that she snuck in some medications into the Mental ward (Valium-type meds). She's trying, and she's doing GREAT. But she will always have problems that she's going to need to deal with and fight. Hopefully they'll give her the tools to do that in the long-term treatment center.

*********************

I should really run. I've been working on this blog all day and it's probably a bit disjointed because of it. Sorry about that. I will ask that you all say a prayer for me - Chris is leaving again for another beach job tomorrow. Good money, and he's getting great referrals as a result. It's just tough not having my better half home. He helps me in every way each and every day.

A Good Day At Work

I'll have a little time to blog at home for a couple of days. The kids in their excessive use of the laptop have broken off the back where the charger plugs in. What's frustrating is that we JUST had this fixed while under warranty, and - of course - it is no longer covered under warranty which means --- we now have to pay to have it fixed. We are now a one-computer family until I get the cash to bring the laptop to have the thing fixed.

Sigh.......

BUT

That brings me to my really GREAT NEWS. :o)

So.... I am really good at what I do at work. I don't mean to brag - but recognizing my own strengths and weaknesses is a strength of mine. I learned a lot about that through Sweet Adeline's in my leadership training courses over the years.

I have very strong leadership skills as well as strong administrative skills. I can multi-task like nobody you've ever seen before. When I started my job, the girl I replaced was a MESS. Papers everywhere... filing very behind... checks would come in and not be posted for a month or more... jobs would be completed for months before being entered into the computer, if ever entered at all. It was a nightmare for me and I knew I HAD to change when I took over. She explained to me that this was 'the way it was in the business'. Yeah, "not when I take over" is all I kept thinking in my head.

As it is now, my boss can call at any time and know exactly what he has going on. Every check is in the bank the day it's received. It's posted within 30 minutes of being opened. Every order is placed within 30 minutes of being called in or faxed, as is every quotation. There just isn't a time when someone has to wait for something in our office, unless it's for a good reason (such as the factory hasn't listed pricing yet or we have to call to get a lead-time). Even then, I don't rest until it's completed. My boss knows right now how much money he is expecting in commissions next month. Because the last girl was so far behind, he NEVER really knew what he could expect. We are completely, 100% caught up and efficient. It's how I live and work.

He kept telling me that he would get around to giving me a review, but was really busy. He wanted me to think about some things in the meantime though... He told me that he hired me at a really high rate of pay for a person in my position and that he really wasn't comfortable giving me a pay raise. However, if I really felt I needed a 'cost of living' increase, say 2 or 3 % (yes, I nearly had to pick myself up off the floor on that one) then perhaps he could re-think it. He told me I shouldn't really worry about it though because he was going to make sure I was taken care of financially. He had given me a mid-year bonus, and that I would be getting a 'really big end of the year bonus' as well. He asked that I think about it and at my 'review' tell him what I'd like to do.... have a cost of living raise, or have the end of year bonus.

So, my review was due in late August. But we finally get around to it in October. As fate would have it, he decided to give me a quick yearly review on bosses day.

Of course, I gave him a card for bosses day - it read: Front - "I may not be the best employee in the world..." Inside - "Oh.... wait... YES I AM!" I was just PERFECT.

So, I sit down for my review. I love my boss... he's a good man, a good Christian, and very fair. Oh, and he really loves what I do. He tells me that I do everything well. I keep the place clean, I file well, I have learned everything I was to learn - and then some. I go above and beyond all the time. I am quick, professional, and excel at everything I do. I ROCK! Yes, yes, I know! LOL

"So", he says, "did you think about what you want to do on your bonus vs cost of living increase?"

"Yes", I respond. "I'd like both actually."

You see, I know that I help him make a lot of money. I don't want a piece of the pie. I don't want a boat. I don't want a bigger house. I don't want a big-olé credit card or a fancy car. I just want to be able to pay my bills and get the kids what they need. That's it. I tell him, everything is going up... electricity, water, heck - a gallon of milk at the store next door cost me almost $5 the other day. $5!!! Can you BELIEVE that??? So.... yeah. I'm worth it I think. And I thought - I need to ask for it if I really want it. How else would he know? Right??

So -- yesterday I get this letter.

Dear Tina:

Congratulations! Due to your dedication and outstanding performance at PERO Engineering and Sales Company, we are pleased to advise you that your annual salary has been increased by 10% per year. Depending on the financial success of the company, a year-end bonus may be awarded as well! We look forward to a long a mutually beneficial relationship with our company.

I love my job.

Random Blog

Sorry I've not blogged since the big day on Sunday. I've been a wee bit sick and really don't have time right now but am going to try to squeeze in a blog to give you a quick update.

Julie decided that - while she was clear headed and before she got depressed again - she was going to go into the hospital and get into a 30-day treatment program. This program is going to try to teach her some new coping skills.

I'm still VERY happy that God has shown up in her life in a big way. I hope that she continues to walk with Him and that she takes little steps in the right direction every day. I was simply blown away by her blog comment after my last blog. For Julie to admit her prior wrong-doing and then admit that Chris and I care for these kids as if they were alone were enough to bring me to tears. Then when she said that God has a plan for her.... well, that was a true miracle. Those of us who know Julie know that Julie hasn't really felt her life really had ANY calling other than raising her kids.

****************************

Singing this last weekend at church was SO much fun. I sang with two other girls and it just - rocked. This weekend we are sing on praise team and Chris and I are singing back up harmonies with this one guy doing a solo. I really really really miss singing Barbershop.

I've had a feeling now for a couple weeks that it's time to give it a try again. That.... it's time to go back to Toast of Tampa. Time to do this 'for me'. Chorus is SO MUCH FUN for me. I get unbelievable amount of enjoyment out of it... and it fills this big place in my heart. Singing on the praise team at church is really doing a good job of filling a lot of that, but it's just different.

We'll see if and when I can do it. The chorus, Toast of Tampa, is off until January. Maybe then I can go back and give it a good-hearted try then. The new director there is much more family-oriented which is a HUGE difference now. Maybe that is what makes me think it's so much different for me now. I dunno. I just feel it now. We'll see.

****************************

Kayte and Kayla walked in from school the other day telling me they wanted to change schools. Loved that one. Kayte got into trouble with some girl who wanted to kick her butt and she thinks the only thing she can do now is run and go to a different school to avoid her wrath.

When I asked for details, it wasn't only this one girl... Kayte has more than this one girl to deal with... there are lots of other girls at her school that she's having problems with. Remember that one website she was being the 'reporter' for? The one where she was spreading rumors about people that I told her was going to come back and bite her in the butt? Yeah... that came back and bit her.

Additionally.... she is so nice and sweet that she comes off as a flirt. And it's getting her into trouble as well. Now... you HAVE to know Kayte to know that she really IS just sweet as pie and NOT a flirt. But it's being misunderstood by a LOT of people. Well, by everyone. Then, she slips into attorney mode for herself, and that isn't working so well either.

She's in a world of mess.... and doesn't know how to get out of it. I told her.... if EVERYONE around you is telling you that they do not like the way you are acting and things you are doing.... maybe you should honestly re-evaluate the way you are acting and things you are doing. She - however - feels there is nothing wrong with the way she is acting or what she is doing. In attorney mode she defends herself just fine.

So she fights it alone.

Sigh.

****************************

So, my sister Katie was almost arrested for Shoplifting. Yeah... did you almost just fall out of your chair? Me too.


Oh my God, too funny, huh?

Katie doesn't have a bad bone in her body. She wouldn't steal anything. Her daughter once put on lip-gloss in a store then put it back on the rack... Katie bought it. She is a manager of a bank. She has NEVER cursed. Ever. Can you even fathom that?

And Sweetbay thinks she purposely tried to steal something??

Here is what happened... Katie runs into Sweetbay with the two kids - a 4-year old in the back of the cart and a 6-week old in a baby carrier in the back of the cart as well with the front part collapsed. As Katie grabs food for the night she gives it to Tatiana who places it around the baby. As they check out, Tatiana places the food on the conveyor belt and Katie pays.

When they leave, just as they exit the building they are approached by two people who claim to be from the "Loss Prevention Department". They show no identification, they do not give their names, and they treat Katie like a criminal from the very beginning. The man in particular was condescending and mean to Katie throughout the ordeal.

When they told Katie they 'saw' her take something, she said she did NOT. They then produced a $4 bottle from under the baby carrier. Katie explained she was a manager of a bank and surely it was a mistake. She explained about the babies, the groceries, how it must have just gotten stuck under the carrier, she offered to go inside immediately and pay - but they would not hear any of it. They were only interested in calling the police. Katie was dumbfounded. For a $4 bottle? Are you kidding me? Katie asked to speak with the Sweetbay manager, they refused to do so. The whole thing was incredible.

Long story short, the police were called, Katie had to call her husband and Katie was issued a trespassing warning for that Sweetbay - she can no longer shop there. The funniest thing that happened was - after the long ordeal - groceries warm from being in the parking lot for over an hour throughout the ordeal - her husband took them inside and demanded a refund for them - telling him that he would take his business to a grocery store who treated their customers better. Good for you, Tony!

Poor Katie.

She's going to be mortified that I put this in the blog. But... you have to know Katie to know how incredibly WRONG it is that this happened to her. Of all people. It would be like the Pope being accused of stealing a Star magazine. Come on! No way!

Katie came over to the house last night and together with the help of mom, Michelle and myself we typed up a letter which she is going to send to the President of Sweetbay (and probably a few others in management) and demand an apology for the way she was treated.

****************************

So..... can someone please tell me at what age and at what point I will be able to stop worrying about my daughter? I mean... she's 21. She's married. She's on her own. She's working.

I know the answer to that question already. I know I will always worry about her. I know that I she has to help herself. I know that she has to work through her own problems. I know that I can offer suggestions, and she can do whatever she wants to with those suggestions and it's okay. I know all this........ I know.

And still...... it sucks.

She struggles.

She hurts.

She lives in crisis mode. 911 mode.

She cries all the time. She thinks things couldn't get much worse. And then they do.

She lives in 'the glass is half empty' kind of thinking all the time.

She doesn't believe in Jesus... she thinks there is a God I think... although, I don't really know what she really 'believes' to be honest with you. She's searching. Just as we were at her age.

She doesn't know which way to turn.

She doesn't know which decision is the right one.

And my heart breaks for her.

Sigh..............

That's all I can muster for this blog today. That last part just sucked the life right out of me. I've got to go and re-focus for tonight's singing. It's a big weekend. Here is a song we are doing tonight and tomorrow. The words are very powerful.....

Almighty God, the great I am
Immovable rock, omnipotent, powerful, awesome Lord
Victorious warrior, commanding King of Kings
Mighty conqueror, and the only time
the only time I ever saw Him run

Was when He ran to me,
He took me in His arms
Held my head to His chest, said “My son’s come home again”
Lifted my face, wiped the tears from my eyes
With forgiveness in His voice
He said,“Son do you know I still love you?”
He caught me by surprise when God ran

The day I left home I knew I’d broken His heart
And I wondered then if things could ever be the same
Then one night I remembered His love for me
And down that dusty road ahead I could see
It was the only time – it was the only time I ever saw Him run

And then He ran to me, He took me in His arms
Held my head to His chest, said “My son’s come home again”
Lifted my face, wiped the tears from my eyes
With forgiveness in His voice
He said,“Son do you know I still love you?”
He caught me by surprise as He brought me to my knees
When God ran – I saw Him run to me

I was so ashamed, all alone and so far away
But now I know He’s been waiting for this day

I saw Him run to me, He took me in His arms
Held my head to His chest, said “My son’s come home again”
Lifted my face, wiped the tears from my eyes
With forgiveness in His voice I felt His love for me again
He ran to me, He took me in His arms
Held my head to His chest, said “My son’s come home again”
Lifted my face, wiped the tears from my eyes
With forgiveness in His voice He said, “Son”,
He called me Son He said, “Son do you know I still love you?”
He ran to me and then I ran to Him
When God ran

BIG - HUGE - GINOROMOUS - DAY!

I have 20 minutes before Extreme Makeover Home Edition starts, which is the start of the 'get the kids to bed' routine as well.... so I better get bloggin' as I have SO MUCH GOOD NEWS I just don't know where to begin.


Let's start with Kayla.

Kayla has HONOR ROLL! Thanks to the computer program the school uses, we can tell that Kayla will end up with all A's and B's on her report card. We were so confident in fact that we activated one of the phone we had here (Kayte's cell phone that she's not been able to use since losing the privilege last time she got a C and lost the right to own the cell phone). Kayla has been working her BUNS off to work to get a cell phone and it WORKED. She's had it all weekend and she is SO HAPPY. We are so happy for her!


Kayte we think will end up with all A's and B's and ONE C. Jonathan will probably have a one or two C's, Justin has straight C's across the board. Course, with their final exams, that could change some - we'll have to wait a few days for the teachers to post their grades online. Kayla's grades were pretty rock solid all 9 weeks. Everyone else has been flirting with C's off and on. (Well, not Justin, he's not been flirting, he's been living in the land of C's and D's all 9 weeks).




*************************


Julie news.


Where to start with this????


Julie has been doing well for a couple weeks now.... I told you that last time. I've been waiting for that other shoe to fall. Well.... the other day, I sent her an email and just asked "hey, do you want to go to Church with us on Sunday?" Julie said that she really couldn't - she'd need gas money, it's so far from Riverview and such. I understand that totally.


My FIRST instinct was to IMMEDIATELY write her and tell her I'd give her gas money. But, I felt that I shouldn't do that. I felt that if it were to be a 'God thing' that I needed to let God do it His way... He would find a way to make it happen. Additionally, if Julie wanted to come badly enough, SHE would find a way to make it happen. So, I told her "I understand, no problem. Maybe some other time." And I left it at that.


No more than five minutes later she writes me back. She's thought about it some more and she would love to come to church with us on Sunday. WOW. Okay.... that's great! The plan was for her to come to our house early in the morning, drive over to church with us, she could go to the Vineyard with the kids (they buy coffee and bagels every Sunday while Chris and I warm up with the choir - we HAVE to be their favorite customer!). Then, after church (2 services as we sing for both) she'd come back to the house, have lunch, swim in the pool, relax in the hot tub, enjoy the kids all day, have dinner, then go home. Sounds good, eh?


She arrived at the house on time this morning. We went to church. I was VERY nervous. I had a trio song that I was singing Saturday and Sunday with the choir... me and two other girls on microphones and the choir backing us up. It was way cool, but I was VERY nervous. Add to that now that my sister was out there.... VERY nervous.


All morning I was thinking about Julie nearly dying SO MANY times. About how the priest had told her that she wasn't going to have that many more chances. I knew exactly what he meant by that. He didn't mean just stop trying to kill yourself. He meant... it's time to get your life straightened out... start living your life. Start living for a purpose. For His purpose. I kept praying the same prayer all morning... that God would speak to Julie's heart this morning. Not that she would be 'saved' or that she would cry or that she would have some kind of breakthrough.... just.... "Please, God, speak to her heart".


Pastor Matthew's sermon this morning COULDN'T have been more perfect. First of all, the series we are on right now is on Parables. Jesus used parables a lot in talking to the people because for simple minded people, it was easier for them to understand. Julie... well... is simple minded. Parables are PERFECT for her.


Then, the sermon itself was from Luke, about how God didn't want "perfect people" - he liked people just the way they were - imperfect. Don't think that you need to GET PERFECT before you decide to go to God.... God wants to meet you WHERE YOU ARE. Jesus extended the invitation to everyone... to come as they are. That meant everyone.

I swear at times it was like there was no one else in the room but Julie and Matthew. To me anyways, but I had no idea what Julie was feeling. At times Matthew was talking about how Jesus invited everyone regardless of their ailments: cripples - poor - blind - lame. At one point I was sure he was going to say "mentally ill" because I was so sure he was talking JUST to Julie. Of course he didn't... but I swear to you, it seemed that personal to me.

When Pastor Matthew was done with the sermon, he explained about being born again, about turning away from sin and being born again to the Lord. He asked for those who felt the calling to do so to please raise their hand.

And, up went Julie's hand.

And my tears just fell. And fell and fell. Chris held me and we were both so happy. The Lord works in mysterious ways, doesn't he?

Julie has asked to move her visits from Wednesday nights to Sundays so that she can go to Church with us every week. Of course I said yes!

Of course, I am aware that Sundays visits mean that I've gone from a 2-3 hour visit to an 11-12 hour visit. But, if all visits went like today -- who cares! Today was blissfully wonderful.

I'm not saying that Julie is cured. I know that she is not. I know she still has a terrible disease and it IS going to rear it's ugly head again, probably pretty darn soon. But, if she can keep drugs and overdoses OUT of her life and get God and Jesus INTO her life, she's got a pretty good chance of keeping things balanced out quite nicely.

I was going to end with a nice quote... but I really need to go get the kids to bed and don't have time to go search. Here is a photo of the girls from Homecoming on Friday. Are they not just the CUTEST girls EVER???

Long Time No Blog

Long time no blog?

I know... I know....I've not blogged in a week or so now for two reasons, one being it's just been busy at the house and the kids are on the computers so much it's hard for me to find an hour or so alone when I can blog without interruptions. The other reason is that Julie has been doing so well that I'm almost afraid to blog. Afraid to say how hopeful I am only to be hurt/let down again. But - I have an hour or so right now... So here goes....

**************

So, Kayla is being punished for her bicycle she had stolen by her lack of good judgment a few weeks ago. We told her that she is to WALK every single day to and from work until she's saved enough money to go buy another family bike. Out thought process was that she would appreciate the bike ever-so-much when she was forced to walk for a couple of weeks in the hot sun in the late afternoons and in the dark at night. She's asked about taking the other really bad bike we have, but we told her no. She's gotten a ride home from work once and we told her that was not allowed either.


I get it that Kayla doesn't understand the logic behind our punishment... That we really want her to LEARN from it. She'll get that years from now, I know. So, Sunday night she came home from work about 9:15 at night. She rushes upstairs to shower and go to bed.


The next day, Chris notices a bike parked in a neighbor's bush just behind our house. This bush is on the other side of our back yard fence. The bike looked like it had been just THROWN into this bush.

Chris and I immediately felt that Kayla had borrowed that bike from someone and left it there. She was in a rush... didn't want to park the bike out front because she didn't want us to know she'd ridden a bike. We just FELT it.


Chris asked Kayla about the bike. She claimed to have no knowledge of the bike... didn't know who it belonged to. I should mention here that it was in our neighbor's yard. He is an older gentleman with kids in college and not at home. We were confident the bike was NOT his.


After Kayla denied knowing anything about the bike, I walked around the corner to examine it closer. It looked just like their friend KC's bike. Then, on the handlebars I see a McDonald's hat. Where does Kayla now work? McDonald's! She just started, so she has only ONE hat. I take the hat and walk up into her bedroom to ask her again about it.


I said "Kayla, is this your hat?" She said it was and wanted to know where I found it. I told her on the bicycle. Do you know that she had the audacity to continue to deny she knew anything about the bike.


Doorbell rings. It's KC. How ironic.

I ask her if that was her bike. YES. Did she loan it to Kayla? YES.


Oh.
My.
GOD.
Kayla!!!


After 30 minutes or so of constant head-slapping "come on Kayla, geez, everyone in this room KNOWS you are lying!" Kayla finally admitted it.


WHY DOES SHE LIE SO MUCH???


One of the greatest ideas I've had of late is that Kayla needs to write a journal... a lie journal. I think I've blogged about this before. I want her to write out every lie she can think of, what happened, why she lied, what she lied about, and what the outcome was. Maybe even add things like if she REALLY thought people believed her, because it's been my experience that many times when she lies it is SO blatant that EVERYONE in the room knows it's a lie. So... I think a journal would really help her. She enjoys writing so much, she would color the pages and draw on them. And I think it would be very therapeutic for her. Not to mention I'd love to read about them all.

***************

Julie is coming over for her visit tonight. I'm looking forward to it this time. She sounds really great. I'm just SO AFRAID of getting my hopes up too much.


She called the other day to say that her blood sugar had been below 150 for two days in a row. She was VERY excited about it. I asked her what she was doing differently. She said that she was taking her insulin the way she was supposed to. Huh... go figure. LOL


I know it sounds like a given, but Julie's brain just doesn't work that way.


Julie wrote the kids a card last week and brought it to her visit last Wednesday. The only kid who is not taking Julie's 'new' self very well is Kayla. Kayla is angry with Julie. Kayte is taking it okay but I think she doesn't believe it's going to last. Justin is Justin... supportive and loving as always.


In her letter she told the kids that she was never going to try to kill herself again. That she was sorry for all she put them through. Funny story about the card. I read it and it was hard not to laugh. The spelling and grammar was HORRID. First sentence "I'm sorry for all I put you threw" and it went downhill from there. I had flash-backs of my dad... How he would write the same way, often times doing exactly what Julie does, misspelling tons of words, leaving out punctuation and not capitalizing letters at the beginning of sentences. Dad didn't finish high school. I think he quit in the 9th grade. Julie didn't either, but she almost did - she left her Senior year. But I digress...


Kayla read the card and Julie asked what she thought. Kayla without even hesitating said "I think you misspelled a LOT of words." Yeah... That's my girl. It was sooooo funny.


For now, I remain hopeful about Julie. I am very happy that she is clear and non-drugged. She sounds so much better. I know her disease is still there, but I hope when she starts to get bad again she can seek help quickly from the right sources, not turn to food or drugs or anything else to fix her. Additionally, I'm not sure how I feel about her saying that she's not going to kill herself anymore. I don't think that she ever REALLY tried to kill herself.

***************

So, the other day my sister Katie called me. Her 4-year old daughter, Tatiana was in the car and they were on their way home from school. Apparently in school they learned about death. On the way home they passed a cemetery and it went downhill from there. Katie called me and Tatiana was crying uncontrollably. She asked her mom what happened to people when they died. Katie explained they went to heaven. Tatiana wanted to know if they could come back to visit, and Katie told her no. This made Tatiana even more upset, so Katie called me for advice.


"We don't believe in re-incarnation, do we???" Katie asked. "Uh... No we do not. We believe you die and go to heaven" I told her. I talked to Tatiana some and she was very upset about the fact that when someone died you couldn't see them again. She wanted to know if SHE died how come she couldn't see her mommy again. I told her that when you die, you only have to wait and EVERYONE comes to YOU, just like a birthday party. You wait, everyone just shows up! She really liked that answer and was much better.


This caused me to think about religions and faith. How can Katie not know if she believes in re-incarnation or not?


What did I believe???? Am I sure of what I believe?


So, at bible study this week we were discussing people being 'saved'. Accepting Jesus as their Savior and that being the only way a person could get to heaven.


Now, I believe that to a great extent. However, I don't believe that their idea of being 'saved' is the ONLY way to get to heaven. An example I gave to the guy running bible study was my Grandma. She died many many years ago. She was a devout Catholic and a VERY VERY good person. She was faithful, she didn't just go through the motions at the Catholic church as I often did, she did it with faith and belief.


She once told us that she died at the hospital once (an operation or something and her heart stopped). She told us that she saw 'the light' and she saw family waiting there for her. She was brought back to life and HATED it because -- she knew at that very moment that she WAS indeed going to heaven. Now... she would say... she's going to keep being really good so that when she really dies she goes to heaven.


Our faith in Church tells us you can't be 'good enough' to get to heaven. That it's like a slap in the face to say you are trying to be 'good enough' to get into heaven. But, I don't think Grandma was ever trying to be 'good enough' just to get into heaven. She was being holy, religious, and a good person because it was the RIGHT thing to do. It was what God wanted her to do. I fully believe my Grandmother is in heaven. Some in my faith... in my Church... would disagree with that. Because she didn't recite some doctrine inviting Jesus Christ formally into her heart she can't go to heaven. I really don't believe that.


So... What does that make me? A bad Methodist? A bad person? I dunno.....


I do know that what I believe in. I believe in God, that Jesus came to save us from our sins. I believe that when I die and go to heaven that I will find out that there was a LOT that I thought I knew for sure was right and it simply wasn't. But, I don't think it'll matter. I think God wants us to do well, love on another, honor Him, have faith, and to bring others to Him. The rest is just gravy.


Speaking of gravy... I'm home now and must get dinner started. Please remember to thank God for all your blessings.

Teenage Attitude

I should be in bed right now. Chris is gone for the week back to working at the beach. The kids are all in bed (hopefully sleeping, although I just heard someone up). I have to get up for work early in the morning as we have a big-wig coming to the office at 8 am. But... I wanted to blog really quick first.

I have so much to blog about, but need to come back to some of it later. Remind me later to tell you about Kayte and her F in English. Yeah, that's a good story. Oh, and the letter that I wrote to her teachers as a result. That's another good one for tomorrow's blog. Yes indeed.

Tonight I haven't seen Kayte hardly at ALL. And when I do see her, she's giving me big-time ATTITUDE. Hate that. I called up to her after dinner, probably about 7:00 tonight, asking her if she had washed her clothes yet. "NO!" she yells back. I said... "Well, what are you doing??" She yells back "MY HAIR!" In a teenage-attitude kinda voice.

Later in the evening she comes down (in attorney-mode) and tells me that she didn't appreciate it that I was asking her about her laundry today. She said that she KNEW it was her day to do it and that she WOULD get it done. I said... "It's two hours till bedtime, WHEN exactly were you going to do it?" She barks back at me, in a mixture of teenage-attitude and attorney-mode, telling me that as long as it's done before bed - what should I care.

Well, I DO CARE. I don't want everyone running around last minute before bed. I told her she could have thrown a load into the washer in literally 30 seconds and run back upstairs to finish her hair. (I should point out here that it takes her HOURS to straighten her hair). I ask if she really thinks she's going to have her clothes done by 9 tonight. She tells me that it should make no difference -- even IF Jonathan got up tomorrow morning to do his clothes (his day is Tuesday), that he wouldn't need the dryer. So - technically - she didn't need to have them washed/dried/folded before 9pm.

I could have smacked her little face for giving me all that attitude. Instead I asked her to leave. If Chris were here, that conversation would have NEVER happened. I just HATE THAT.

Kayla has been on the phone ALL NIGHT tonight. (She broke up with the last boyfriend and has been on the phone a LOT) I've been waiting to talk to Julie now for two days and tonight, because the phone never rang, I didn't know that Julie had called and I missed her call again. Yes, I'm a bit miffed at Kayla about that. Sigh....

I'm anxious to know what's going on with Julie. I hear she's due to get out of the hospital tomorrow and that they are going to take her at Twelve Oaks Rehab center which is up in the Panhandle. It looks like a really great place and I really want her to GO.

I'm afraid she's going to wait too long to go and that they won't have a bed for her anymore. She has to drive herself. Last I heard, Julie said that she didn't really have any addiction problems. (Yeahhhhhhh.... oooookkkkkk......) I don't want her to miss this opportunity. It's the best chance she's had in years to go to an actual rehab center.

I should run. I really do need to get to bed. I suppose I'll go call my hubby and see what he's up to. He's probably sitting on the balcony of the beach house.... drinking a beer... watching the glow of the moon out over the ocean.....

So do not fear, for I am with you;
do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Isaiah 41:10

Irresponsible Kids

I'm telling ya, I have never in my life seen such irresponsible kids as these kids. I blame their inability to appreciate what they have I suppose. Let me tell you what happened Saturday.

A friend of ours, Michelle, had given a bicycle to us. We picked it up late on Friday night. Saturday morning Chris and I sang at Church at 8ish, then at Noon we were to be at a park for a school chorus picnic with the entire family. At 11:45 am we took the bike OUT of the Durango so that everyone could fit into the car.

We proceeded to the picnic which was just TONS of fun. Football, water balloon toss, tug-of-war, etc. Kayla, Justin and Kayte thought they were not going to have fun because they didn't really know anyone there - chorus kids are not really their 'crowd', ya know? But they did have a great time.

So, we get home about 3 pm and Kayla wants to go to the bank to cash her paycheck. She and Kayte take the two bikes we now have. (One from Michelle, one ours that Chris fixed.) Kayla and Kayte ride the bikes as far as CVS Pharmacy. Sun Trust bank is across the street from CVS. Kayla get the bright idea to "hide" the bikes at CVS and walk the rest of the way. Her reasoning? Riding a bike across the street is 'dangerous'. Whatever.

So, do they park the bikes in front of CVS? No... of course not. They park them in the back - where there is no customer traffic. It's not a hidden area, you can see the back of the CVS from a strip mall right next door. They 'hide' them and walk over to the bank.

The bank, of course, is closed. It's Saturday afternoon - which I tried to tell Kayla, but she doesn't listen to me. Then they decide to cross the street again and, rather than picking up their bikes, walking North a block to McDonald's (Kayla's new job).

At McDonald's Kayla meets a friend who gives her some pants. I assume they stayed there a bit then walked back to CVS to pick up their bikes.

Do you think their bikes were still there? Of course not. One of them, the NICE one that Michelle gave to us, is missing. Stolen.

It had been out of the car no less than 4 hours when they lost it.

Chris and I were FURIOUS with them. How completely irresponsible they were. Clueless to the fact that Michelle paid her hard-earned money for that bicycle. Then, out of the kindness of her heart, gave the bike to US. And less than 4 hours later, they leave it, walk away and come back only to find it stolen.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Of course, we are going to make Kayla purchase another bike with her paychecks. It's the least she can do. I just don't know if it's going to teach her the lesson that she needs to be taught on this one. How do you teach kids appreciation? Responsibility? Respect? Especially when they are in their teenage years??

******************

It's hard to believe, but tomorrow Chris leaves for another beach shower job. It's hard to imagine him gone for another week, but - it's good that he's working.

Not that this has anything to do with Chris and his beach job... but I feel like sharing. I slept for about 15 hours last night. Nothing but college football on TV so I went to bed super early and got up late. Sheesh....... !!!!!

******************

So, last night we are having dinner - Taco night. Everyone is home - and a guy is over the house. I won't mention the guy's name for reasons that will be obvious in a minute.

Everyone else is eating, I'm on the laptop checking grades and myspace accounts. I get on one of the girl's myspace pages and read a recent thread from some guy I didn't know. The girl had just told him that she didn't want him as a boyfriend. In the message the guys says: "well damn you dont want a man....and i just want a girl to hang with and have the benifets of a g/f but with out the whole commitment...how does that sound with me and you?"

I couldn't contain myself. I said out loud "OH MY GOD, this damn guy just asked you to be a "friend with benefits" in a myspace message. I mean, he actually SAID it and everything?" I was blown away by the audacity of someone to just SAY it.

Then I find out that the guy.... is the guy who is sitting next to me right now, eating Tacos with us. WHAT???? I told him how incredibly WRONG he was and how DARE he. He tells me that I misunderstood it.

Yeah... I think not. Freaking teenage kids today. They kill me.

******************

OH - BIG NEWS!!!

The kids, Kayla, Justin and Kayte, are going to Maryland for Christmas! Chris and I are going to drive them up on 12/21 and we'll be back in time for Christmas Eve.

I am VERY excited about this.

First, I'm excited for them because I know they love their Grandma and Grandpa very much. They don't get to see them often since they live so far away. Gwen is always looking for things to do for them to be a part of their lives. When her son, Ron, died - I'm sure she must have wondered how much she was going to be able to be a part of their lives. Julie and Gwen don't really see eye-to-eye (putting it mildly). The kids have talked about going up to see Grandma Gwen and Grandpa Coley since they first moved in with me. I know Gwen will be able to provide them a memorable Christmas.

To me... that's what it's all about. More than gifts, more than Church performances, more than anything else around the holidays - it's making memories.

Secondly, I'm excited because it takes a LOT of stress and worry off of me. We can still buy them some gifts... but I don't need to worry about making this Christmas very memorable to them. It's a given that it'll be memorable to them. I don't need to worry about being the big-time provider for the entire family at Christmas. I can't tell you how much of a stress-reliever this is to me. Now it'll just be Chris, Jonathan and myself for Christmas. (Oh, and Julie. She wants to know what we are doing... but I don't want to think about that right now!)

We agreed to drive them up to Maryland to save Gwen some money on airfare. Chris said he didn't mind the drive, and hopefully I can get off on that Friday to help him with the trip. We'll probably end up renting a vehicle to make the trip since the Durango is doing so poorly at the moment. I think Nana and Papa are going to watch Jono for those couple of days. By doing so, we'll be taking 3 teenagers in the car instead of 4 and we can probably get away with renting a big car, not a minivan. This should save us some money in rental cost. Then Gwen will fly them back to Tampa on the 29th of December.

When I evaluated myself as to why I felt so ding-dang happy that the kids were going up to Maryland, I felt really good. I began to feel bad that I felt so happy - wondering if it was all to do with money and how much I could save by them not being here at Christmas. But, I thought about my motivation and feelings for a few days and realized that it was simply that I wanted the kids to have a great and memorable Christmas. I realized that I didn't NEED to be the one who gave it to them.

So often we can become so wrapped up in being the 'Savior'.... being the hero.... that it is not really healthy. I realized that I didn't care who was the hero, who made the memories, as long as the kids were happy, healthy and taken care of -- I was happy. So I give kudos to myself.

******************

I should run. The Buccaneer game starts in a bit and I've got to finish making dinner. Home-made chicken pot pie. Yummy.

I leave you with this for today:

The Paradoxical Commandments
By: Dr. Kent M. Keith

People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered.
Love them anyway.

If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
Do good anyway.

If you are successful, you will win false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.

The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.

Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable.
Be honest and frank anyway.

The biggest men and women with the biggest ideas can be shot down
by the smallest men and women with the smallest minds.
Think big anyway.

People favor underdogs but follow only top dogs.
Fight for a few underdogs anyway.

What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.

People really need help but may attack you if you do help them.
Help people anyway.

Give the world the best you have and you'll get kicked in the teeth.
Give the world the best you have anyway.

What's A Geoduck?

Well, I spoke too darn soon on the mornings comment I made yesterday. Remember when I said mornings were going so much better? Well, they were....

I have had a migraine now for two days. This morning about 5:00 I just wasn't able to sleep. Jonathan's alarm clock kept going off and he didn't shut it off. Beep.... Beep.... Beep.... Beep.... Beep.... Drove me NUTS. With the migraine it felt SO loud to me, but he couldn't hear it at all. Finally at 5:30 I'd had enough and I went to wake him up.

He was NOT in a good mood.

He woke up and rushed downstairs to get breakfast, only to realize we are now out of cereal. I hear him downstairs slamming doors and such, so I go down to find out what's going on.

I told him about the bowls... How even yesterday morning everyone left their dirty dishes out. I explained to him what I'd told him before: he could eat breakfast at school.

Not happy.

He began throwing boxes - cereal boxes that had less than a cup of cereal left in them. (Why they insist on putting them back like that is beyond me.) He's throwing them in the general vicinity of the garbage can shouting each time "can't eat this, can't eat this..." Chris ended up coming downstairs and putting him in his place.

The best part was my son telling me "By not providing me with cereal you are depriving me of the ability to make good grades." WHAT??? He goes on to explain that by not eating a good breakfast at home, he's less focused during the day and therefore his grades are going to ultimately suffer. Yeah... Okay..... He is - without question - my son. I tell him that school provides free breakfast, to which he scowls his face and tells me that it's not a good breakfast. He then begins to pick up the dirty dishes that are in the sink from the night prior. (Albeit not nicely, he's tossing them into the sink and into the dishwasher.)

Sigh....

I hate mornings at our house.

***************

Julie called a couple times today and really does sound good. She is now at Memorial Hospital in the psyc ward. She's not sure what the actual treatment plan is going to be... Maybe she'll go to long-term treatment, maybe she'll be out in a couple weeks. She said she's not going to get her hopes up for long-term treatment anyways. I don't blame her.

***************

Julie really wants me to bring the kids up to see her. I really don't want to. Mostly because Julie did this to herself and I feel that she should wait until she's better and out of the hospital and THEN she can make arrangements to come see the kids.

I remember last time I went to Memorial... We drove for over an hour in horrible traffic (visiting hours are strictly from 6pm to 8pm, which puts me in rush hour traffic). I would have to leave work, immediately put the kids in the Durango (which isn't working well to begin with) then drive in rush hour traffic down to South Tampa. For an hour and a half or so Julie would dote over the kids, showing everyone what great and beautiful kids she has. Then we'd pile back into the car and worry about what to do for dinner since it'll be after 9 when we get home.

So, I'm spending over 2 hours in a car, without dinner, driving and wasting probably a half a tank of gas (a big deal when you drive a Durango), to have the kids visit with Julie for less time than we'd be in the car driving back and forth to see her.

And she wonders why I don't want to come and see her? Am I wrong?? Isn't that just nuts?

When she was on the respirator and her life was in danger, that was one thing. But just because she FELT like overdosing AGAIN on pills and ended up in the hospital AGAIN... Doesn't mean I want to spend my night driving to come and see her. Life threatening illness, yes - absolutely. Just another stay at the Psychiatric ward - no.

***************

I was talking earlier to our Parish Nurse Judie. She mentioned that she sometimes felt that having a mental illness was worse than cancer. With cancer... You get treatment, there are multitudes of treatment options, there is a better understanding of the disease, and there are support options. When you are dealing with mental illness, your treatment options and the support system just isn't there. It's sad really.

Mom mentioned a friend of hers who just recently lost her son in a car accident. How unfair was it that this woman lost her son at an early age when he had so much to live for... And Julie on the other hand is TRYING to kill herself every other week and can't do it. It doesn't seem fair, does it?

***************

Speaking of fair... I've got to run for today. I just found this quote when looking up quotes and/or bible verses on a fair God. I came across this from a movie database on Ma and Pa Kettle at the Fair (1952). Go figure:

Pa Kettle: [filling in for the preacher]
I don't know how to preach a sermon, I can't quote Scriptures, although I know all the words, I wouldn't know how to put them together, but I can speak from my heart.

I can say how thankful I am that I have Ma and the kids, I'm thankful for the food we get and the clothes we wear.

A lot of folks are always asking God for something instead of being thankful for what they got. I figure if He wants you to have it, it'll come to you because you deserve it. He gave us the mountains, the trees, the water and the fertile land. Gave men the ability to make things and grow things. He put gold and silver, coal and oil under the ground, all man has to do is dig them up.

Why I figure that He kind of wants you to help yourself a little, He don't want to do it all.

If I found out right now there was oil under my land, would I be lazy? No sir, right away I'd get Geoduck and Crowbar to start digging an oil well.

The whole world could be a better place to live in if everybody would do like I do. Every morning when I wake up I say "I thank you God, for letting me live to see another day" and at night when I go to sleep I say "Dear God, please let me live to see another tomorrow so I can prove to You that I can be a better man than I have been today."

Amen.

Hell On Earth

Well, let's try this again - shall we? I just did a HUGE blog, then accidentally deleted the ding-dang thing!

I will do my best to not make this a marathon blog, but I haven't blogged in a while and there is so much to blog about... So here goes....

***************

Justin.... Oie, Justin. He just got his learner's permit for driving. He is in drivers ed, but hasn't had much time behind the wheel. Grandma took him out around the block Sunday, which was the extent of his abilities. He didn't know how to get the car out of park... THAT is how new he is. He must have asked me 30 times if I could take him out to drive. Every time I said no... I don't want him 'practicing' just yet... I want to TEACH him, which will involve a parking lot and a lot of distance between our car and something he could potentially hit.

So... Monday I come home from work and I go to the dining room table where the kids usually put there homework. Justin has some homework papers on the table, and also on TOP of the homework is a note. A 4-page note, passed in a class between him and his friend Matt.

In this note, Justin talks about how he called Matt at 6:30 this morning (WAY too early to use a phone and call someone's house!). He was calling Matt this morning to ask if he could ride with him to school instead of taking the bus. He knows he's not supposed to be going to school in any other way other than by bus, ESPECIALLY without clearing it through us. So... the letter goes on to describe how Justin, Kayte and Jonathan all got a ride to school Monday morning from Matt. Kayla didn't want to go because she "didn't want to get into trouble". GO KAYLA!

So, there were two mistakes here - one in that they called so early. Second being that they got a ride to school by Matt without asking us for permission. To add insult to injury, Justin also rode HOME with him. Rule-breaker #3. Sheesh.

Then his note goes on to make fun of Jonathan and Kayte because they were AFRAID while JUSTIN was DRIVING.

Okay, hold it for a second. I had to go back and read it again. Justin was DRIVING? Of COURSE they were scared.

Justin knows the law: He's allowed to drive only with a TWENTY ONE year old person in the seat NEXT to him and only during daylight hours. He didn't meet either one of those requirements. He broke the law.

Chris and I were furious. And, Justin has the gall to make fun of Jono and Kayte for being afraid? Then this boy, Matt, goes on to tell Justin that he needs to learn to drive FASTER and to PASS PEOPLE. Justin said he'd work on it.

Faster? Pass people? He's been in the drivers seat less than 15 minutes. He doesn't know how to get the car out of PARK. Passing? Speed? WHAT????

Chris and I took away his license and we called his drivers ed teacher. He's not driving at school either. Here in Tampa we have had a string of young kids in car accidents killing people. 15 year old kids that think nothing is ever going to happen to them, driving against the rules, crashing, and killing friends or innocent people walking down the street. It's all over the news here.

Justin not only put HIS life in danger, he put the lives of countless kids that were waiting at bus stops along the road that he passed, and he put the lives of my son and his sister in danger.

Gosh, I'm getting all fired up just thinking about it again!!

***************

So, Kayla in that one instance did the right thing, but she's not making a habit out of it. Not yet Anyways.

Two weeks ago she was going to the movies with her boyfriend. Oddly, Chris that same night had watched some of the same movie they went to see free online through some movie site.

The next day, we are on our way to church. It went something like this:
Tina: What movie did you see, Kayla?
Kayla: We went to see Mr. Woodcock.
Tina: Well, how weird is that? Uncle Chris watched that online last night. What was the movie about, Kayla?
Kayla: Um... I don't know.
Tina: What do you mean, you don't know?
Kayla: Ummm... I fell asleep.
Tina: What about the very beginning of the movie? What was that about?
Kayla: I fell asleep when I first go there and woke up after the end of the movie.
Tina: Uh... Yeah..... Right. Chris (Kayla's boyfriend) - what was the movie about?
Chris: Um... I don't know.
Tina: What do you mean you don't know?
Chris: I..... I.... I forgot.

Now... Do I have "IDIOT" stamped on my forehead somewhere? Come on!!

Of course we got them to admit they didn't go to the movies. They did... well... they did something else. I didn't push to find out what. We were just furious that BOTH of them lied.

***************

Mornings are SO MUCH BETTER around the Rhocchini house. Thanks to all who have commented or talked to me about what you think I should do. It really helped. It helped so much in fact that I've decided to take my lunches back into my own hands.

Typically when I come home for lunch, I arrive about 12:10 and have roughly 40 minutes to make and eat lunch and relax before going back to work. However, the first 10 minutes is spent cleaning up the kids' breakfast. Typically I find all kind of cups in the kitchen, bowls, cereal and sugar out. I'm one of those people who needs to clean first before I cook or eat. So, I clean up their mess, start the dishwasher or hand-wash if the dishwasher is full of clean dishes. THEN I worry about my lunch.

I decided the other day that... if I didn't have any breakfast items at home, they couldn't eat at home. The school serves free breakfast - but they enjoy eating at home more. Too bad. Because I told them that if they can't pick up after themselves, I was simply not going to buy any more cereal, pop tarts, or oatmeal. Nothing.

Jonathan says... "Well, if I clean up after myself and nobody else does, that's not fair. Then I'd have to pick up everyone else's stuff, and it's not fair because I didn't make the mess!" I said "welcome to my world, Jonathan."

They must not be too concerned though because even today at lunch I had to clean up after them. Maybe they think I'm not serious? I dunno... I don't care. They are not going starve, so I'm sticking to my guns on this one. **grin**

***************

Julie called last night. She's been in the hospital for a week or so now. She told me she wanted to tell me what 'really happened' as long as I didn't blog about it. I told her I could NOT promise that.

She went on anyways to tell me that she was in the hospital this time for overdosing trying to kill herself. I didn't sound surprised, I figured she had done so... she's been slurring so badly recently. We all knew she was overdosing.

She went on to explain, however, that this time was very different. This time she went to the pharmacy and got ALL of her refills on anything she could get her hands on. Then she went home and took all her meds. Not wimpy medicines, but rather, heavy-duty psychotropic medicines.

She went on to tell me roughly how much of each prescription she actually took. We are talking in the neighborhood of 400-500 pills folks. Holy COW.

You remember me blogging before about just the Klonopin overdose? She took I think 27 Klonopin and it was in her system for days afterwards. This time she took about 150 Klonopin, in addition to all her other psychiatric medications, Soma, Sleeping pills. Again, the total quantity I estimate to be between 400 and 500 pills. Can you even fathom that?

When she first arrived at the ER, she promised them she hadn't taken any pills since the night before. She lied. She did this on purpose so that they wouldn't use the charcoal to pump her stomach again. She said that she was so "out of it" at the ER that she had to be helped to the bathroom, and once there, had to be helped again to... finish up (if you catch my drift). She was shocked that the doctors believed her, and she truly thought she was going to die.

Now that the extent of what she had done is known, even the doctors agree that the medications she took should have "Killed an elephant". Julie's EKG upon arrival at the ER was out of whack, but now... Now everything seems to be just fine. No long-term damage. No ill-effects from the massive quantities of medication.

It is because of this that Julie now fully believes that she DID die. That she died, went to God who refused to take her, and that He sent her to live in "Hell on earth". That -- this is some sort of punishment for her.

It's really sad talking to her about it. She is so.... Clear - no medications messing her up. And she sounds good on the phone. She is speaking so well in fact that the past few days I've allowed her to talk to the kids without my supervision. And yet... Then she talks about how she died, God didn't want her, and she's forced to live in "Hell". It's truly sad.

***************

All of this with Julie makes me think of two things....

One being that maybe Julie really does need to live in a home. An assisted living home. She could maybe work outside and yet come home every evening. A nurse there could pass out her medications when she needs them. They talked to us about this when Julie was on the respirator... That maybe she simply wasn't capable of making it on her own without hurting herself. She could eat the meals they prepare for her so that her Diabetes doesn't get out of whack, and they could make sure she doesn't overdose on pills every day.

It may sound horribly drastic.... But if you could HEAR her NOW... While she is in the hospital. Sigh. She sounds great. Clear-headed. Non-medicated. I haven't even supervised her last few phone calls. Maybe her living in a home is the only way for her to live a long, full life.

Then I wonder if it's time to try removing parental rights from her. When I think of that, I want to vomit.

But... I keep thinking one of two things will happen: either she'll view it as a wake-up call and start acting better and stop abusing everything and start taking care of herself for the sake of her kids --- or --- I will look back in 10 years and know for sure that it was the right thing to do for the kids.

These kids have become hardened as a result of all of this. Used to be when Julie went into the hospital we'd hold a family meeting... We'd all gather in the living room and sit and talk about it. Openly discuss our feelings, what happened with their mom this time, how her thinking is just not 'right', and that through it all she loved them. Yet now... When she goes in... It's more like the kids say "Let me guess, she tried to kill herself again? Yeah, okay. Whatever. Can I go out and play now?"

It's sad.

I watch enough Dr. Phil to know that what she is doing, even from her home in Riverview with them living in Carrollwood, is damaging them. Every stupid comment. Every one of Julie's attempts to cry out for help. Every pill she pops. Every one is hurting them.

And I don't want to see them hurt.