Tina's Daily Blog: God Always Provides

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

God Always Provides

Julie is out of the hospital. I'm surprised because she sounds so bad... her breathing is awful. But they say that when a person is on a ventilator as long as Julie was it's to be expected.

Not expected was the problem we were going to have getting Julie into a doctor or a hospital.

The doctors at Palms of Pasadena discharged her with no medication. They were 'afraid' to give any to her.... on one end they could have given her the same thing she had when she came in - on the other end they could have prescribed new and safer doses of medications. Of course, prescribing what she was on when she came in was out of the question because the doctor said the massive doses she was on could have killed her. Also out of the question was beginning new medication as they don't have the mental floor to be able to keep her while stabilizing and adjusting her medications to find the 'perfect' dose for her. So... they sent her home on nothing.

Mom (who has been there every day/all day since this whole thing started) was there to take her home and on the way they are going to go to Dr. Vijapuri's office to see what medications he wants to put her on. (Mind you... this is the same doctor who prescribed the massive doses to begin with). But... Julie has no choices here.

You see... she has no choices because she's burned so many bridges due to her condition and her continual non-compliance. Memorial hospital flat-out told us that they would not take her medically or mentally. Tricare said they are not paying for any more hospitalizations regardless. And... she's seen other psychiatrists in the past - all who have dropped her because of her non-compliance. Dr. Vijapuri is her only hope of getting ANY psychiatric care... good or bad... it is what it is.

Mom just called and they finished up with the appointment with Dr. Vijapuri/Dr. Vergeese. Her words... "We have to get her in to see another doctor." No kidding! Dr. Vijapuri's problem is that he just prescribes pill after pill after pill after pill. No real intensive treatment, no caring about 'you', no attention to your personal situation. They put her back on ALL the medications she was on when she overdosed, with the exception of the Thorazine (which she took because of the noises she heard in her head).

The other huge problem here is that they are going to follow up with her in two weeks. She has been on NO medication at ALL since this thing started. Typically when they have to adjust the dosage or change medications for a patient with Julie's condition, they put you in a hospital so that if you have a horrible depression episode, manic episode, or hear voices, or get the shakes or whatever... the nurses are there to care for everything. But... since Memorial refuses to take her, Tampa General is full, and she has no psychiatric benefits left.... she's going to do it from home.

Mom is going to go and buy her pill boxes, four of them (morning, afternoon, evening and bedtime dose) and is going to put the pills in there that she needs to take for the week but leave her with 2 weeks at a time. And then.... take the rest home. That way, Julie CAN'T take too much. Well, she could, but she'd be out too soon. She could still do like she did this last time, take a morning dose with an afternoon dose - but let's just think positive!

Speaking of thinking positive (or not I suppose) - I've pretty much given up on the idea of Kayla being able to go to Mexico this summer with the church. I finally received the certified birth certificates for all the kids - but still would need to get her a passport. I'm just not sure I want to spend money on that - AND it might not get here in time - AND she might not be able to go anyways. Additionally... I've got to work on getting Kayte, Justin and Jonathan to summer camp with the Florida Sheriff's Youth Ranch... if they are accepted to go again this year. This means I've got to go out and get them all physicals - oie! Plus I'm trying to save for a vacation we wanted to take in July! It just seems like 'too much'... and maybe it's the happy pills, but I don't feel like stretching myself that thin for the sake of all the kids having a good time. She can always go next year!

I think the kids were shocked last night when I said that I had to go to the doctors yesterday because I was under so much stress that it was making me ill. They have never seen me go to a doctor ever since they got here a year and a half ago. We sat down and had a family meeting last night.

It's really funny the difference in each kid. I suppose I didn't see it as much with Amanda and Jonathan because they were 7 years apart and boy/girl. These kids being so close together in age, it's crystal clear to see their differences. I got a little offended recently because the kids in one of our long rides to the hospital were talking about 'the way things are in school' - and the subject came up about how I had no clue what it was like for them. I mentioned that Amanda was not THAT much older than they were... and then there was Jonathan. They all quickly replied that it was totally different: Amanda and Jono were 'geeks' and all three believe they are very 'popular' kids in school. Not 'have a lot of friends' kind of popular but rather, "I could win a popularity contest because everyone knows me and loves me" kind of thinking. So we talked about it last night at length. When we talked about different 'groups' that there WERE to be popular in - I hoped I helped them to see that there are other kids out there that are just as popular as they were... but that everyone had their own 'clicks' or 'groups'. They were popular with the black hip-hop kind of kids, Jonathan is popular with the more shy kids. There are the preps who dress in very nice expensive clothes, drive BMW's to school and are in the running for homecoming and/or prom queen. All different kinds of popular out there. The only one who - at the end of the conversation - fully believed that she was popular with EVERY single group was Kayte. Funny really.

She is SO hard to argue with. She wants the last word. She's quiet, very quiet, yet VERY assertive. She is convinced she is right no matter what you say. But she doesn't argue about it, she tries to reason her way out of it. We call her the 'lawyer'... she'd be good at it!

I also took the time while I was talking to them about this to remind them - very clearly - that they needed to completely and totally respect their little cousin Jonathan. He has given up SO MUCH since they moved in. Shared his love. His house. His food. His room. His clothes. His time. His parents. His everything. They sometimes I think forget that! But I'll be here to remind them every so often.

Sigh... I've sat here often today thinking about how I 'had' to break down and see a doctor last night.... and I can't get over feeling somewhat like a failure. Yet, I know it's not logical. I've never - EVER - been prescribed that kind of medication. I know that what I was feeling was physical and that no matter how often I told myself to relax, it didn't work. I know that I have come SO FAR in the way I think of things now. I try to be SO MUCH more positive in my daily walk through life. More positive and more spiritual.

Sigh.... left the blog for a bit and did some 'family stuff', now back to blog again. I looked at my bank balance today and nearly fell out of my chair. I simply can't BELIEVE how much money we've spent with Julie in the hospital.... gas.... food out (eating on the way)... I just can't believe it. I was really upset... overdrawn $12.22. Twelve dollars - how much does THAT suck? Well, I decided to get one of those 'advances' from Amscot. I haven't been there in years... but figured it'd work for the two weeks before payday. I suppose it's supposed to be embarrassing and private... but... doesn't that kind of thing happen to everyone? I suppose so.

While there, there was a scary looking guy who came in. He wanted to cash a check and got VERY anxious when they had to 'call it in' and didn't give him cash right away. He kept asking questions... who are you calling... why are you calling... then said he needed his check back because he 'was late for something'. He began to get EXTREMELY irate. Everyone there quickly realized the guy was up to no good. I'm positive the girls behind the glass had probably called police. I remember thinking... does he have a gun? What do I do? Stay here? Be nice (he was a foot away from me)? Should I just stop what I'm doing and leave? I stayed... and he eventually ran out the door. It sure did scare the hell out of me though.

On the way home I kept thinking.... God always provides. Always. We've always had it tight. But never gone without... not for long anyways. Sure, I have to pay the money back in 2 weeks... but I'm betting that by the, God will provide. He's always got my back.

I've got to run... time to watch American Idol!

"The kindest thing you can do for the people you care about is to become a happy, joyous person."--Brian Tracy

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In A Nutshell:

Here is a letter I sent to Dr. Phil which really sums everything up:
I am married to my high-school sweetheart (20 years this August), with two wonderful children (Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13). I have two sisters, both younger – I call them “my good sister” and “my bad sister”. My good sister is – well, good! Normal in every way. The bad one, Julie, has been in trouble since she was a kid. As a baby she cried all of the time. As a teenager she was in trouble all of the time. At the age of 14 or so I remember that she had run away from home to live with a grown man in Atlanta. This was one of many run a ways. As a teenager, she provided sexual favors to boys in school, as well as teachers. As a young adult she was arrested for prostitution. She’s done drugs ranging from marijuana to crack. She was diagnosed early on as bi-polar with personality disorder. She’s also a serious cutter to the point where she no longer hid the cuts. She’s cut things like “Ronald Cecchinni” into her arm… and “Fuck you Dr. XXX” on her stomach, in large letters. Julie is also a diagnosed sex-addict. She’s also recently (in the past year) begun ‘huffing’. (I honestly believe that this huffing has caused some permanent damage) She is currently 36yo.
Julie lost her husband Ron a year and a half ago as a result of Leukemia and Kidney Disease which the military attributed to his serving in the Gulf War. He left behind three children – Kayla who is now 15, Justin who is now 14 and Kayte who is now 13. Even when Julie was married, her psychiatric problems persisted. She has been hospitalized literally hundreds of times over the years. However, when her husband was alive, he would take care of the kids when Julie was mentally out of control. After Ron died, Julie lost control of the kids and her life. She began to spiral out of control, having pot parties at her home (to the point where the kids said a door would open and a cloud of smoke would come bellowing out of the room), smoking weed with her own kids, having sex all over the house with different men all the time, allowing young men (19 yo) to sleep over with her oldest daughter (only 14 at the time), and allowing Gang members to live in her home (she said she felt ‘safe’ with them there). In addition, she was attempting suicide daily, overdosing on medications hoping to not wake up the next morning. Mind you all of this while she was seeing her Psychologist every week and Psychiatrist once a month. Both of these Doctors knew what was going on at home, neither of them reported it to the proper authorities. I have even been told by one of them that he was told, by Julie, that she ‘heard voices telling her to hurt the children’ but that she was proud that she could ignore the voices. Still, these Doctors reported nothing.
I should add here that it was at some point in this period of time in Julie’s life when her children began suicide watches over their mom… each one taking turns to sit in a room with her at all hours (night and day) because their mom was less-likely to hurt herself while they were here. However, it didn’t always work – Julie constantly took pills in front of them trying to either dope herself up or overdose, and she would even cut herself in front of the kids.
Finally one day, she woke up furious that her last suicide attempt didn’t work. She got violent with her oldest daughter, police were called, and finally DCF was called. (I would like to add that we (other family members) had called DCF in the past to report things, but some of the cases were ‘unfounded’ and one other time the fled the state knowing CF only had jurisdiction in Florida.) DCF removed the children from the home in November 2005 and I gained custody of the Children shortly thereafter.
There are lots of things I could add here about my sister, DCF, and the horrible Foster Care or Custodial Care program we are involved with. However, that is not my main reason for writing to you.
Kayte, the youngest, seems to be adjusting pretty well. She has a tendency to trivialize what her mom has done and the seriousness of it, but I think that is normal given that it is her mom. Kayte was in counseling, but she feels it’s ‘a waste of time’.
Justin, the middle child, is okay. As a young boy I'm told he was a terror. He used to hit his mother and at one point (only 6yo) tried to jump off a building to kill himself. Since then, his anger has turned in to an endless smothering of love and caring. He does everything for his mom… from getting her whatever she needs to rubbing her feet and back. Justin has seen a psychiatrist since moving in with me who felt that his issues were brought on by trauma. It was also at that visit with the psychiatrist that he confided in myself and the Doctor that he had suicidal thoughts often while living at home with his mom in her ‘state of being’ after his dad died. However, since he moved in with me he has done so much better (and continues to improve daily) that she didn’t feel he even needed counseling at this time. He would, however, need counseling before he was reunited with his mom.
Kayla, the oldest, has serious issues. She is also currently in counseling but feels that it is ‘a waste of time’. Kayla has always lied and stolen things. Family members feel sorry for her because you can tell that she doesn’t really mean any ill will by it, but it’s been ‘the way she is’ for a very long time. By far her biggest problems are lying and her need for approval by men (young and old).
Since the kids have moved in with us, my husband and I have set up rules. The kids already had myspace accounts, so we set ground rules for it. 1) We needed the login names and passwords. 2) Profiles must be set to private. 3) The only people they were allowed to have on their friends list was people that they actually knew. When Kayla’s list climbed over 300, and she was found to have inappropriate conversations (wanting to sneak out and ‘hook up’ with young men), we made everyone cut their list down to 30 friends, which included myself. 4) All vulgar language and inappropriate photos would come off immediately and would be monitored by myself at any given time. At times, they try to put up ‘sexy’ pictures which immediately need to come down.
However recently I have found that she has multiple website things going on in an attempt to pick up young men. I'll outline a few here so that you understand the gravity of the situation: 1) I found her 'normal' myspace account set to 'public view'. She has over 11,000 profile views(meaning people looking at her pictures and wanting to know more about her). I had reset it to private many times, but she keeps going back and resetting it to public. 2) I have found another myspace account which she went by the name 'Shannon' and used it to pick up young men, tease them, then later tell them that she was 'taken' but refer them to her 'cousin, Kayla'. She'd then give them all of Kayla's information. Of course thiswas also set to public. 3) I have found another social network website that was like myspace in which she had ONLY men (mostly from other states) as her 'friends' whom she corresponded with. The emails back and forth basically said the same thing as all of the others... more on that in #4 - only these were guys that not only did she not know, but they were not even in the area! 4) All accounts that I have found had basically the same thing... her emailing guys wanting to know if she was pretty, if they wanted to 'hook up', talking about going to their 'crib' or meeting up with them somewhere, and constantly seeking approval and affirmation from these guys.
I believe she gets this from her mom. And the sad thing is, if you met her, you would love her. She is truly a GREAT kid… but she has serious issues. I’ve described to you Julie’s behavior and Kayla’s seems to be the same way. Neither can make decisions on their own that are ‘the right thing to do’, and both lack the understanding of simple values, morals and ethics. I could go into so many examples. How do I describe the utterly amazing difference between Julie’s parenting style and my own?
I know... Both Julie and I have myspace accounts set up to ‘monitor’ the kids. To illustrate the difference between Julie and myself, here is something that Julie and I both put on our myspace accounts. You are supposed to put something 'about yourself' by your picture. Here is mine: "I'm 38 years old. I have two amazing kids, Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13. I have great husband, Chris. I love to sing - and have been singing in Toast of Tampa Show Chorus for 10 years. I'm raising my nieces and nephew (12, 13 and 14). I love God and my family."And here is Julie's: "I am who I am and if you dont like me for me........FUCK YOU........ Plus if you dont like me for me....... Im gunna tell my kids and there gunna kick yer ass!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Here’s the other dilemma we are having; the two girls are in counseling that is costing me $25 EACH in co-payments every time they go. The State of Florida provides NO financial support to me as a relative caregiver, other than providing the three kids with Medicaid. They received small SSI checks because of their dad’s death, but it barely covers the food they consume. The DCF worker, having spoke with the girls and being told that therapy is ‘a waste of time’, has referred me to a clinic that DCF uses for cases such as this to seek mental care for Kayla (aswell as the others). However, the kids have TriCare as their primary insurance because their dad died from Military causes. TriCare requires the co-payment, regardless of the Medicaid secondary. Having said that, please understand that I worked in referrals in a primary care physician’s office for 16 years… I totally ‘get’ what is required for primary and secondary insurances and all the red tape. But because of the uniqueness of this situation, the kids are suffering!
I should also point out here that I have the kids for an indefinite period of time. Right now Julie is doing things that she has been told to do to get the kids back. However, she is still awaiting a court ordered detailed Psychiatric exam to determine if she can EVER parent again. Even if that Psychiatrist feels she can parent again, she’ll most likely need to be ‘clean’ and ‘episode-free’ for 6 months to a year minimum. In addition, Julie is only allowed supervised visits and one phone call a day. This came about because of her inappropriate behavior when she was with the kids and because when she was allowed to call any time she’d call 10 + times a day.
The other problem with Julie ever getting her children back is that… she doesn’t understand what she did wrong. She parents as if she were 15-years old herself. If anyone has ever done something bad and been able to ‘keep’ their kids, she sees no reason she can’t do it. She brought her daughter at the age of 13 in for a HUGE tattoo on the small of her back. It’s Tigger flipping ‘the bird’ with her gang name under it. She was also planning on getting a large tattoo on her 12yo before the kids were taken. Again, she sees nothing wrong with any of her past behavior.
So, you see, I could have these children for the rest of their teenage years. I honestly don’t know where to turn to get them the help they need.
I feel as if I am in a psychiatric nightmare and I just can’t wake up. Eight months ago I was at home, my biggest ‘kid worry’ was if my son was going to get good grades on his report card. Now I find myself in a crux worried about whether or not the lessons I teach them, this late in their young life, are going to be enough to turn these kids around and help them to be productive adults in the near future.

Tina's Daily Blog

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

God Always Provides

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