Tina's Daily Blog: Our 6th Kid

Monday, April 02, 2007

Our 6th Kid - Nobody Rho-cchini

Well, just wanted to let you all know that our 6th kid, "Nobody" still lives here. I'm sure you remember Nobody; Nobody is the one who does everything wrong around the house. Who left all the cabinets open? Nobody. Who left out the ice cream? Nobody. Who left the front door wide open? Nobody. Who ate four bowls of cereal in one sitting? Nobody.

Nobody should really be a child on our tax return next year.... as Nobody does so much around here.

Nobody put a hole in our bathroom wall the other day. We have a door dingy thing behind the door, and not a weak one - a nice strong one. We put it there on purpose when we re-did the bathroom downstairs to make sure the wall stayed nice. Since Chris fixes things like this all day every day, we knew what to get to prevent wall damage. Well, best we can figure is that Nobody's friend was over and the two of them were wrestling and the friend slammed Nobody into the door, bending it and putting a hole in the wall.

But... Nobody did not break the picture on the wall the other day. The kids quickly placed blame on someone other than Nobody. We had two really pretty pictures on either side of the plasma TV and fireplace. (Got them at Kirkmans - LOVE that store!) The story from the kids was..... oh..... you are just going to love this........ Jonathan was upstairs watching TV in his room, Justin was in the dining room doing homework. The CATS jumped up on the wall - 5 feet up on the wall - and hit the picture with such force that it fell crashing to the floor, breaking the glass and frame. Additionally, on the way down the wall, it fell with such force it broke the plastic thingy around the electrical socket.

Now... my cats are truly amazing, no doubt. Yes they are brother and sister and so often times they wrestle around the house. Yes, Jinx with his 6 toes on 3 feet is often times a little clumsy as he bats things around. But.... one thing about my cats for SURE is that they are lazy.... and them jumping 5 feet up the wall -- well -- I just can't see happening!

My sister Katie came over my house on Sunday. She nicely mentioned how neat and clean my house usually was - or should I say - used to be, before all the teens moved in. Now there are filthy walls, dirty floors, holes in the sofa, broken pictures, holes in the wall. I'm the kind of person who would be VERY happy to just take a huge box of Clorox Cleanups around the house and dust EVERYTHING. Matter of fact one of my specialties has always been baseboards and the top of door frames. They always get dirty and people always forget to dust there! I'm anal like that. Usually anyways. But now, it's a lost cause and I know it. Even with the chore chart, it gets out of control a LOT around here. The perfectionist I am read what I just wrote and it's all I can do to keep typing and not get up and go CLEAN! But anyways.......... the point of telling you this was to tell you I got fed up with Nobody and the Blame Game.

I put all four kids on restriction until someone fessed up about the picture. Then, knowing that the hole in the bathroom wall probably came from a friend being over and Jonathan and Justin wrestling with him, I told them all that not ONE single friend was allowed over the house and they were not allowed out with friends until someone fessed up about the hole in the wall.

It lasted a whole few hours (these kids are BUSY and like spending time with friends). I got a call from Justin (we were at Church singing Saturday night) who told me that Jonathan admitted to putting the hole in the wall. But it didn't FEEL right. First that Justin called, not Jonathan. And.... Jono wasn't even HOME on Friday night, the night we are pretty sure it happened. Sure enough, come to find out later once we got home and talked about it, the kids decided it was best to let Jonathan take the fall for it so they could go to the mall with friends. Of course, the mall didn't happen.

I had a talk with them about how much I hate it that they always tell me that Nobody did something. Then I talked about what an IDIOT they must think I am because they think I'd actually believe "the cat did it" story.

Sure enough, everyone fessed up to what they had done. Justin, Jono and Sean (a friend down the street) were wrestling and hit the door in the bathroom.

And as for the picture breaking, Jonathan threw a calculator at Justin, who ducked to miss it, and it hit the picture and broke.

Oh, here comes the cat again to lay in my arms as I'm typing. So sweet...........

Chris is in Jacksonville for the week. It's odd sleeping without him. It's really odd knowing that I've got all these kids to care for, a house to keep clean, schedules to manage, all - alone. But so far... so good. Course it's only Monday night - Ha ha ha ha!

I asked a friend at church today to say a prayer for me... which felt odd to ask for one for me. But I feel the stress already, and Julie has only been out for a day. Only a little more than a week ago she was claiming she couldn't eat differently, wouldn't stop McDonald's or drinking all the cokes every day -- yet today she's claimed to have turned over a new leaf.... home cooked healthy meals. It's just.......... sudden............ and I'm afraid that it's manic. The stress is mostly that... she sounds so good - today she's telling me how good her blood sugar is... how she's going to have the bi-polar friends move in with her and they are going to help her... that she knows that she's not getting the kids back anytime soon.

But then I realize that she's still very ill... in the next breath she talked about the guy living there who was just there for sex. Not a friend. Not paying to live there. Just... someone for her to have sex with when she wanted to. EWWWWW. Then she mentioned how she wasn't at all concerned about her bi-polar friends moving in with her and them being manic or depressed. That she doesn't really get the swings. She went on to explain that - even as she tried to kill herself over and over again 2 months ago (injecting herself with insulin all the time or eating sugar to the point where she hoped she'd slip into a coma) - even at that time she was still 'okay' -- "not depressed or anything" so she says. How can you want to kill yourself and feel that you were not the slightest bit depressed? And how can you know for a FACT that you are bi-polar, and then say that you don't have the ups and downs that go along with it?

How does this affect me? Well.... one of two things generally happens: Either I get my hopes up and I begin to think "maybe she can really do it this time".... "maybe she's really changed"... only to feel the incredible disappointment when it's not the case. Or I refuse to see it as a change and I see it as yet another manic episode, in which case I feel like I'm not supporting my sister. Most all the time I see it as the later... another manic episode, and I just deal with the 'crappy sister' feelings. But the kids are now involved. And, I know that they've seen Julie through this same thing hundreds and hundreds of times. But which attitude would be the right one for their betterment? I honestly don't know. And.... what if it's better for them if I get my hopes up... but then I just can't do it?

Julie called today a few times. Talking to the kids, asking about a visit this week, then talking about Easter (she didn't realize Easter was this Sunday). I've decided that I have enough on my plate this week that Chris is gone and that Julie should just come over on Easter Sunday. She wasn't happy and pressed me for another day this week, but we've got something going on every day this week... and I'm doing it all alone here. So, she can just come over for Easter; we'll have Ham and whatever else I can throw together. And then Mom, Katie, Julie and I will all sit down and have a talk... try to get on the same page about how we all feel and what we are all thinking.

I dunno.... I really can't put into words where all the stress I'm feeling right now is coming from. I'm trying - but the words just are not flowing. Funny... I just though... maybe as the week progresses and things keep getting worse and more and more stressful, I'll be better able to put it into words at that time. Yeah, I'm sure that's the case. :o) Stay tuned.

For now, I'm off to bed. The cat is now fully asleep in my arms and it's pretty difficult to type like this. :o) I leave you with this and remind you.... if you've not accepted Christ into your life as of yet... what better time than Easter? Go to Church. Listen to God. He'll be waiting for you.

For God so loved the world that he gave his only Son, so that everyone who believes in him may not perish but may have eternal life.
John 3:16

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In A Nutshell:

Here is a letter I sent to Dr. Phil which really sums everything up:
I am married to my high-school sweetheart (20 years this August), with two wonderful children (Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13). I have two sisters, both younger – I call them “my good sister” and “my bad sister”. My good sister is – well, good! Normal in every way. The bad one, Julie, has been in trouble since she was a kid. As a baby she cried all of the time. As a teenager she was in trouble all of the time. At the age of 14 or so I remember that she had run away from home to live with a grown man in Atlanta. This was one of many run a ways. As a teenager, she provided sexual favors to boys in school, as well as teachers. As a young adult she was arrested for prostitution. She’s done drugs ranging from marijuana to crack. She was diagnosed early on as bi-polar with personality disorder. She’s also a serious cutter to the point where she no longer hid the cuts. She’s cut things like “Ronald Cecchinni” into her arm… and “Fuck you Dr. XXX” on her stomach, in large letters. Julie is also a diagnosed sex-addict. She’s also recently (in the past year) begun ‘huffing’. (I honestly believe that this huffing has caused some permanent damage) She is currently 36yo.
Julie lost her husband Ron a year and a half ago as a result of Leukemia and Kidney Disease which the military attributed to his serving in the Gulf War. He left behind three children – Kayla who is now 15, Justin who is now 14 and Kayte who is now 13. Even when Julie was married, her psychiatric problems persisted. She has been hospitalized literally hundreds of times over the years. However, when her husband was alive, he would take care of the kids when Julie was mentally out of control. After Ron died, Julie lost control of the kids and her life. She began to spiral out of control, having pot parties at her home (to the point where the kids said a door would open and a cloud of smoke would come bellowing out of the room), smoking weed with her own kids, having sex all over the house with different men all the time, allowing young men (19 yo) to sleep over with her oldest daughter (only 14 at the time), and allowing Gang members to live in her home (she said she felt ‘safe’ with them there). In addition, she was attempting suicide daily, overdosing on medications hoping to not wake up the next morning. Mind you all of this while she was seeing her Psychologist every week and Psychiatrist once a month. Both of these Doctors knew what was going on at home, neither of them reported it to the proper authorities. I have even been told by one of them that he was told, by Julie, that she ‘heard voices telling her to hurt the children’ but that she was proud that she could ignore the voices. Still, these Doctors reported nothing.
I should add here that it was at some point in this period of time in Julie’s life when her children began suicide watches over their mom… each one taking turns to sit in a room with her at all hours (night and day) because their mom was less-likely to hurt herself while they were here. However, it didn’t always work – Julie constantly took pills in front of them trying to either dope herself up or overdose, and she would even cut herself in front of the kids.
Finally one day, she woke up furious that her last suicide attempt didn’t work. She got violent with her oldest daughter, police were called, and finally DCF was called. (I would like to add that we (other family members) had called DCF in the past to report things, but some of the cases were ‘unfounded’ and one other time the fled the state knowing CF only had jurisdiction in Florida.) DCF removed the children from the home in November 2005 and I gained custody of the Children shortly thereafter.
There are lots of things I could add here about my sister, DCF, and the horrible Foster Care or Custodial Care program we are involved with. However, that is not my main reason for writing to you.
Kayte, the youngest, seems to be adjusting pretty well. She has a tendency to trivialize what her mom has done and the seriousness of it, but I think that is normal given that it is her mom. Kayte was in counseling, but she feels it’s ‘a waste of time’.
Justin, the middle child, is okay. As a young boy I'm told he was a terror. He used to hit his mother and at one point (only 6yo) tried to jump off a building to kill himself. Since then, his anger has turned in to an endless smothering of love and caring. He does everything for his mom… from getting her whatever she needs to rubbing her feet and back. Justin has seen a psychiatrist since moving in with me who felt that his issues were brought on by trauma. It was also at that visit with the psychiatrist that he confided in myself and the Doctor that he had suicidal thoughts often while living at home with his mom in her ‘state of being’ after his dad died. However, since he moved in with me he has done so much better (and continues to improve daily) that she didn’t feel he even needed counseling at this time. He would, however, need counseling before he was reunited with his mom.
Kayla, the oldest, has serious issues. She is also currently in counseling but feels that it is ‘a waste of time’. Kayla has always lied and stolen things. Family members feel sorry for her because you can tell that she doesn’t really mean any ill will by it, but it’s been ‘the way she is’ for a very long time. By far her biggest problems are lying and her need for approval by men (young and old).
Since the kids have moved in with us, my husband and I have set up rules. The kids already had myspace accounts, so we set ground rules for it. 1) We needed the login names and passwords. 2) Profiles must be set to private. 3) The only people they were allowed to have on their friends list was people that they actually knew. When Kayla’s list climbed over 300, and she was found to have inappropriate conversations (wanting to sneak out and ‘hook up’ with young men), we made everyone cut their list down to 30 friends, which included myself. 4) All vulgar language and inappropriate photos would come off immediately and would be monitored by myself at any given time. At times, they try to put up ‘sexy’ pictures which immediately need to come down.
However recently I have found that she has multiple website things going on in an attempt to pick up young men. I'll outline a few here so that you understand the gravity of the situation: 1) I found her 'normal' myspace account set to 'public view'. She has over 11,000 profile views(meaning people looking at her pictures and wanting to know more about her). I had reset it to private many times, but she keeps going back and resetting it to public. 2) I have found another myspace account which she went by the name 'Shannon' and used it to pick up young men, tease them, then later tell them that she was 'taken' but refer them to her 'cousin, Kayla'. She'd then give them all of Kayla's information. Of course thiswas also set to public. 3) I have found another social network website that was like myspace in which she had ONLY men (mostly from other states) as her 'friends' whom she corresponded with. The emails back and forth basically said the same thing as all of the others... more on that in #4 - only these were guys that not only did she not know, but they were not even in the area! 4) All accounts that I have found had basically the same thing... her emailing guys wanting to know if she was pretty, if they wanted to 'hook up', talking about going to their 'crib' or meeting up with them somewhere, and constantly seeking approval and affirmation from these guys.
I believe she gets this from her mom. And the sad thing is, if you met her, you would love her. She is truly a GREAT kid… but she has serious issues. I’ve described to you Julie’s behavior and Kayla’s seems to be the same way. Neither can make decisions on their own that are ‘the right thing to do’, and both lack the understanding of simple values, morals and ethics. I could go into so many examples. How do I describe the utterly amazing difference between Julie’s parenting style and my own?
I know... Both Julie and I have myspace accounts set up to ‘monitor’ the kids. To illustrate the difference between Julie and myself, here is something that Julie and I both put on our myspace accounts. You are supposed to put something 'about yourself' by your picture. Here is mine: "I'm 38 years old. I have two amazing kids, Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13. I have great husband, Chris. I love to sing - and have been singing in Toast of Tampa Show Chorus for 10 years. I'm raising my nieces and nephew (12, 13 and 14). I love God and my family."And here is Julie's: "I am who I am and if you dont like me for me........FUCK YOU........ Plus if you dont like me for me....... Im gunna tell my kids and there gunna kick yer ass!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Here’s the other dilemma we are having; the two girls are in counseling that is costing me $25 EACH in co-payments every time they go. The State of Florida provides NO financial support to me as a relative caregiver, other than providing the three kids with Medicaid. They received small SSI checks because of their dad’s death, but it barely covers the food they consume. The DCF worker, having spoke with the girls and being told that therapy is ‘a waste of time’, has referred me to a clinic that DCF uses for cases such as this to seek mental care for Kayla (aswell as the others). However, the kids have TriCare as their primary insurance because their dad died from Military causes. TriCare requires the co-payment, regardless of the Medicaid secondary. Having said that, please understand that I worked in referrals in a primary care physician’s office for 16 years… I totally ‘get’ what is required for primary and secondary insurances and all the red tape. But because of the uniqueness of this situation, the kids are suffering!
I should also point out here that I have the kids for an indefinite period of time. Right now Julie is doing things that she has been told to do to get the kids back. However, she is still awaiting a court ordered detailed Psychiatric exam to determine if she can EVER parent again. Even if that Psychiatrist feels she can parent again, she’ll most likely need to be ‘clean’ and ‘episode-free’ for 6 months to a year minimum. In addition, Julie is only allowed supervised visits and one phone call a day. This came about because of her inappropriate behavior when she was with the kids and because when she was allowed to call any time she’d call 10 + times a day.
The other problem with Julie ever getting her children back is that… she doesn’t understand what she did wrong. She parents as if she were 15-years old herself. If anyone has ever done something bad and been able to ‘keep’ their kids, she sees no reason she can’t do it. She brought her daughter at the age of 13 in for a HUGE tattoo on the small of her back. It’s Tigger flipping ‘the bird’ with her gang name under it. She was also planning on getting a large tattoo on her 12yo before the kids were taken. Again, she sees nothing wrong with any of her past behavior.
So, you see, I could have these children for the rest of their teenage years. I honestly don’t know where to turn to get them the help they need.
I feel as if I am in a psychiatric nightmare and I just can’t wake up. Eight months ago I was at home, my biggest ‘kid worry’ was if my son was going to get good grades on his report card. Now I find myself in a crux worried about whether or not the lessons I teach them, this late in their young life, are going to be enough to turn these kids around and help them to be productive adults in the near future.

Tina's Daily Blog

Monday, April 02, 2007

Our 6th Kid - Nobody Rho-cchini

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