Tina's Daily Blog: The Migraine

Friday, June 22, 2007

The Migraine

Julie called my office yesterday and it broke my heart. I had to be firm with her.

She wanted to know if the kids could call HER. When I told her no, that I didn't want her talking TO the kids until she got better mentally - she hung up on me. Then she called back and tried to plead her case. She told me that she thought we should all 'vote' because she knew the kids would vote that they get to talk to her. I told her I don't run a democracy here... that I do what I feel is best for the kids regardless of what THEY think. She got very upset with this. I told her she had to stop calling (I was at work) and she continued to get upset. I told her if she continued to call, I would be forced to get a restraining order and although I didn't want to do that, I would if I needed to.

It broke my heart.

I understand that she also called mom yesterday and talked to her some about it. Funny, she said that the kids talk to her about EVERYTHING and that she knew what they were "doing behind Chris and Tina's back." That bothered me for a long while I must admit. But... I know where they are, who they are with and what time they'll be home. I know they are not doing anything illegal and I know they are not doing drugs. So.... if they do something in-between - well - I'm okay with that. Heck -- I was an ANGEL (ha ha) and even I still did things behind my mom and dad's back. It happens - I know it. Julie said that the kids talked to her about these kinds of things and that she talks to them about hurting herself because they are her "friends". Y'all probably already know my feelings on that -- she should be their mom FIRST and their 'friend' LAST. Sigh...

I am feeling a little better today. I went home from work for a little while yesterday with a migraine. It was HORRID last night -- Chris and I discussed actually going to the emergency room at one point. The migraine meds I had were not working, sinus pills were not working, Advil wasn't working - nothing worked. At one point I thought I should eat (hadn't eaten all day because of it) but that didn't work either. It was just gross as it came back up if ya know what I mean. Yeah, it was that bad of a headache. Chris went to Katie's house to get me some Fioricet and THAT - finally - worked. Thank goodness. I'm home today resting, but am supposed to go back for the afternoon... we'll see how I feel. I think I should take the whole day -- but I hate doing that as I'm their ONLY employee. Sigh...

I should get that Fioricet from my doctor, but she won't give it to me. It has addictive properties - not in the same class as heavy narcotics, but still addictive. And I've never pushed it, but rather I just say 'okay'. Funny that people like Julie get a plethora of medications and people like me, who rarely take medicine and don't ever abuse medications, don't get what they sometimes need.

Chris and I went to see his dad Doug at the Assisted Living Facility on Father's Day and Doug looked HORRIBLE. We walked in and he was not covered with his blanket, laying in bed, a depends covering his front but his 'back end' was sticking out. He had cuts on his legs from falling, and he was nothing short of MISERABLE. There were sticky notes all over the place from his therapist reminding him to get up and stay busy; reminding him that he is in an ALF and NOT a nursing home, so he was supposed to get UP and do fun things (crafts/bingo/etc). Sunday he looked horrible, but on Wednesday Chris went back to see him and bring him some goodies and Doug was much better. He had just gotten in from doing crafts and seemed to be in good spirits. Chris is really going to try and get up there once a week and see him to help him stay that way. I know it's hard for Chris --- Doug used to be SO active and now he can hardly stand up. He used to ride a bike 40 miles a day every single day - we are talking less than 5 years ago. Now he can barely use one leg to push himself in the wheelchair. Sigh....

Speaking of strokes and such -- my Aunt Dolly that I spoke of the other day passed away Tuesday - the same day Julie went missing. 2 am Julie was on the phone with the crisis center and 4 am Aunt Dolly died. But... I'm very happy that Aunt Dolly didn't suffer. She went to the hospital with a stroke and they found cancer - about a week later she passed. I really think that's better than suffering, ya know?

The kids are going to a pool party tonight at their friend Casey's house. Casey is another kid who comes to the house ALL the time and is like one of our adopted kids. Kayla told me this morning that she was going to make SURE Jonathan had a good time. It's hard -- ya know? His 'condition'... Aspergers... just makes him a LOT less social. Last night he was talking about how 'popular' Kayla Justin and Kayte are and how he is just not that way. He's just -- different than they are. But I'm sure Kayla will take good care of him. Out of all 3 of his cousins, he plays best with Kayla. When it's just Kayla and Jono, the two of them get along great. Justin and Kayte with Jonathan can fight like crazy.

I should run... think I'm going to get back to bed and maybe think about seeing the doctor this afternoon.

I will leave you with a poem that Julie just sent to me that Ron wrote for her. Julie used to write poems all the time and at one time she asked Ron to write one for her. When I first read it, I felt horrible for the feelings I had inside. But... I know what Ron was trying to do. He was trying to fill her up with so much love that it would make her 'better' after he was gone. But... Ron could not have foreseen what happened once he left. I'm sure his heart is breaking as he watches events unfold from his seat in heaven. Anyways.... Here is what Ron wrote:

Julie you wanted me to write

A poem about you

But I am not sure

How to put into words

How I feel about you

You are so many things to me

Ok lets see.... where do I start.....

She is careing... sincere... loving... kindhearted....

Honest... loyal... pure and sweet.....

And bipolar

Which means sometimes you are very happy

Then other times your very sad

My poor Julie has had such a difficult life growing up,

I feel very sad for her, I love her with all my heart,

You have told me everything that has happened to you,

And its heartbreaking to say the least

Most men would run, but I love you anyway,

I love you more for your honesty,

So all I wish to do is make life easier for you,

Because you deserve all the TLC you receive,

And a whole lot more

So the next time you see or talk to my Julie,

Tell her you love her,

Because her heart is as big as a globe,

And I want to fill it with nothing but love,

She is my Julie... my baby.... my sweetie.... my caretaker....

My all.... my life.... my love.... my everything...

Forever.

One more thing... here is a photo of me and my two sisters, Julie and Katie. I'm on the left - Julie in the middle, Katie on the right. Oldest to youngest! And no, Julie's eyes are not really that blue... it's contacts. :o)

No comments:

Post a Comment

In A Nutshell:

Here is a letter I sent to Dr. Phil which really sums everything up:
I am married to my high-school sweetheart (20 years this August), with two wonderful children (Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13). I have two sisters, both younger – I call them “my good sister” and “my bad sister”. My good sister is – well, good! Normal in every way. The bad one, Julie, has been in trouble since she was a kid. As a baby she cried all of the time. As a teenager she was in trouble all of the time. At the age of 14 or so I remember that she had run away from home to live with a grown man in Atlanta. This was one of many run a ways. As a teenager, she provided sexual favors to boys in school, as well as teachers. As a young adult she was arrested for prostitution. She’s done drugs ranging from marijuana to crack. She was diagnosed early on as bi-polar with personality disorder. She’s also a serious cutter to the point where she no longer hid the cuts. She’s cut things like “Ronald Cecchinni” into her arm… and “Fuck you Dr. XXX” on her stomach, in large letters. Julie is also a diagnosed sex-addict. She’s also recently (in the past year) begun ‘huffing’. (I honestly believe that this huffing has caused some permanent damage) She is currently 36yo.
Julie lost her husband Ron a year and a half ago as a result of Leukemia and Kidney Disease which the military attributed to his serving in the Gulf War. He left behind three children – Kayla who is now 15, Justin who is now 14 and Kayte who is now 13. Even when Julie was married, her psychiatric problems persisted. She has been hospitalized literally hundreds of times over the years. However, when her husband was alive, he would take care of the kids when Julie was mentally out of control. After Ron died, Julie lost control of the kids and her life. She began to spiral out of control, having pot parties at her home (to the point where the kids said a door would open and a cloud of smoke would come bellowing out of the room), smoking weed with her own kids, having sex all over the house with different men all the time, allowing young men (19 yo) to sleep over with her oldest daughter (only 14 at the time), and allowing Gang members to live in her home (she said she felt ‘safe’ with them there). In addition, she was attempting suicide daily, overdosing on medications hoping to not wake up the next morning. Mind you all of this while she was seeing her Psychologist every week and Psychiatrist once a month. Both of these Doctors knew what was going on at home, neither of them reported it to the proper authorities. I have even been told by one of them that he was told, by Julie, that she ‘heard voices telling her to hurt the children’ but that she was proud that she could ignore the voices. Still, these Doctors reported nothing.
I should add here that it was at some point in this period of time in Julie’s life when her children began suicide watches over their mom… each one taking turns to sit in a room with her at all hours (night and day) because their mom was less-likely to hurt herself while they were here. However, it didn’t always work – Julie constantly took pills in front of them trying to either dope herself up or overdose, and she would even cut herself in front of the kids.
Finally one day, she woke up furious that her last suicide attempt didn’t work. She got violent with her oldest daughter, police were called, and finally DCF was called. (I would like to add that we (other family members) had called DCF in the past to report things, but some of the cases were ‘unfounded’ and one other time the fled the state knowing CF only had jurisdiction in Florida.) DCF removed the children from the home in November 2005 and I gained custody of the Children shortly thereafter.
There are lots of things I could add here about my sister, DCF, and the horrible Foster Care or Custodial Care program we are involved with. However, that is not my main reason for writing to you.
Kayte, the youngest, seems to be adjusting pretty well. She has a tendency to trivialize what her mom has done and the seriousness of it, but I think that is normal given that it is her mom. Kayte was in counseling, but she feels it’s ‘a waste of time’.
Justin, the middle child, is okay. As a young boy I'm told he was a terror. He used to hit his mother and at one point (only 6yo) tried to jump off a building to kill himself. Since then, his anger has turned in to an endless smothering of love and caring. He does everything for his mom… from getting her whatever she needs to rubbing her feet and back. Justin has seen a psychiatrist since moving in with me who felt that his issues were brought on by trauma. It was also at that visit with the psychiatrist that he confided in myself and the Doctor that he had suicidal thoughts often while living at home with his mom in her ‘state of being’ after his dad died. However, since he moved in with me he has done so much better (and continues to improve daily) that she didn’t feel he even needed counseling at this time. He would, however, need counseling before he was reunited with his mom.
Kayla, the oldest, has serious issues. She is also currently in counseling but feels that it is ‘a waste of time’. Kayla has always lied and stolen things. Family members feel sorry for her because you can tell that she doesn’t really mean any ill will by it, but it’s been ‘the way she is’ for a very long time. By far her biggest problems are lying and her need for approval by men (young and old).
Since the kids have moved in with us, my husband and I have set up rules. The kids already had myspace accounts, so we set ground rules for it. 1) We needed the login names and passwords. 2) Profiles must be set to private. 3) The only people they were allowed to have on their friends list was people that they actually knew. When Kayla’s list climbed over 300, and she was found to have inappropriate conversations (wanting to sneak out and ‘hook up’ with young men), we made everyone cut their list down to 30 friends, which included myself. 4) All vulgar language and inappropriate photos would come off immediately and would be monitored by myself at any given time. At times, they try to put up ‘sexy’ pictures which immediately need to come down.
However recently I have found that she has multiple website things going on in an attempt to pick up young men. I'll outline a few here so that you understand the gravity of the situation: 1) I found her 'normal' myspace account set to 'public view'. She has over 11,000 profile views(meaning people looking at her pictures and wanting to know more about her). I had reset it to private many times, but she keeps going back and resetting it to public. 2) I have found another myspace account which she went by the name 'Shannon' and used it to pick up young men, tease them, then later tell them that she was 'taken' but refer them to her 'cousin, Kayla'. She'd then give them all of Kayla's information. Of course thiswas also set to public. 3) I have found another social network website that was like myspace in which she had ONLY men (mostly from other states) as her 'friends' whom she corresponded with. The emails back and forth basically said the same thing as all of the others... more on that in #4 - only these were guys that not only did she not know, but they were not even in the area! 4) All accounts that I have found had basically the same thing... her emailing guys wanting to know if she was pretty, if they wanted to 'hook up', talking about going to their 'crib' or meeting up with them somewhere, and constantly seeking approval and affirmation from these guys.
I believe she gets this from her mom. And the sad thing is, if you met her, you would love her. She is truly a GREAT kid… but she has serious issues. I’ve described to you Julie’s behavior and Kayla’s seems to be the same way. Neither can make decisions on their own that are ‘the right thing to do’, and both lack the understanding of simple values, morals and ethics. I could go into so many examples. How do I describe the utterly amazing difference between Julie’s parenting style and my own?
I know... Both Julie and I have myspace accounts set up to ‘monitor’ the kids. To illustrate the difference between Julie and myself, here is something that Julie and I both put on our myspace accounts. You are supposed to put something 'about yourself' by your picture. Here is mine: "I'm 38 years old. I have two amazing kids, Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13. I have great husband, Chris. I love to sing - and have been singing in Toast of Tampa Show Chorus for 10 years. I'm raising my nieces and nephew (12, 13 and 14). I love God and my family."And here is Julie's: "I am who I am and if you dont like me for me........FUCK YOU........ Plus if you dont like me for me....... Im gunna tell my kids and there gunna kick yer ass!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Here’s the other dilemma we are having; the two girls are in counseling that is costing me $25 EACH in co-payments every time they go. The State of Florida provides NO financial support to me as a relative caregiver, other than providing the three kids with Medicaid. They received small SSI checks because of their dad’s death, but it barely covers the food they consume. The DCF worker, having spoke with the girls and being told that therapy is ‘a waste of time’, has referred me to a clinic that DCF uses for cases such as this to seek mental care for Kayla (aswell as the others). However, the kids have TriCare as their primary insurance because their dad died from Military causes. TriCare requires the co-payment, regardless of the Medicaid secondary. Having said that, please understand that I worked in referrals in a primary care physician’s office for 16 years… I totally ‘get’ what is required for primary and secondary insurances and all the red tape. But because of the uniqueness of this situation, the kids are suffering!
I should also point out here that I have the kids for an indefinite period of time. Right now Julie is doing things that she has been told to do to get the kids back. However, she is still awaiting a court ordered detailed Psychiatric exam to determine if she can EVER parent again. Even if that Psychiatrist feels she can parent again, she’ll most likely need to be ‘clean’ and ‘episode-free’ for 6 months to a year minimum. In addition, Julie is only allowed supervised visits and one phone call a day. This came about because of her inappropriate behavior when she was with the kids and because when she was allowed to call any time she’d call 10 + times a day.
The other problem with Julie ever getting her children back is that… she doesn’t understand what she did wrong. She parents as if she were 15-years old herself. If anyone has ever done something bad and been able to ‘keep’ their kids, she sees no reason she can’t do it. She brought her daughter at the age of 13 in for a HUGE tattoo on the small of her back. It’s Tigger flipping ‘the bird’ with her gang name under it. She was also planning on getting a large tattoo on her 12yo before the kids were taken. Again, she sees nothing wrong with any of her past behavior.
So, you see, I could have these children for the rest of their teenage years. I honestly don’t know where to turn to get them the help they need.
I feel as if I am in a psychiatric nightmare and I just can’t wake up. Eight months ago I was at home, my biggest ‘kid worry’ was if my son was going to get good grades on his report card. Now I find myself in a crux worried about whether or not the lessons I teach them, this late in their young life, are going to be enough to turn these kids around and help them to be productive adults in the near future.

Tina's Daily Blog

Friday, June 22, 2007

The Migraine

No comments:

Have Tina's Daily Blog sent to your email address:

Blog Archive

Followers

About Me

My Favorite Places and People

Blog Stats

In A Nutshell: