Tina's Daily Blog: Calling and Cutting

Monday, June 18, 2007

Calling and Cutting

I've had a VERY bad day today. Where to start.........

Julie was on a mission today to get into a long-term treatment facility of some sort. Did I mention she's out of the hospital? Yeah... she's out.

Okay, so she's really looking into getting into some kind of rehab facility of some sort for a 21-day or 3-month type program. She's gone through all mental health benefits for the year already, and I think used 2 of her 3 "lifetime" rehab stays available to her. Problem is, rehab is for drug problems - not rehab from prescriptions or mental health/bi-polar kind of things. Okay....

Well, at noon-ish today Julie decides she wants to call our Aunt who is up in Massachusetts and we haven't seen in many many years. Truth is, since my dad died, we don't call her, send mail, cards, etc. Right or wrong, it is what it is. She's really far away and we just can't get up there to visit and have -- lost touch. Well, our Aunt had a stroke and they found cancer and have given her a VERY short period of time to live. Julie wanted to call the family up there today, and mom didn't want to give her the number. A lot of family crisis going on up there and chaos kind of things... I totally understand. Julie was NOT happy. But -truth be told - Julie is manic today... she's calling all the time... and she tends to make everything happening somehow about 'her'. And, mom, knowing this - knowing Julie and the situation up there in Mass -- mom didn't want to give out the number.

Long story short, Julie found out that mom has told family up there about her mental condition. Julie thinks it should be private. But -- how do you keep something like THIS private? I mean... she nearly DIED a couple of months ago... her kids got taken away. We're not talking about long-lost relatives here - they are family members that my mom talks to ALL the time. Julie was pissed; she talked about how when she lived up in Maryland, she and Ron and the kids would lie and hide the fact that Julie was in the hospital or in rehab or having problems. She thought things could be like that. I told Julie that -- lying wasn't the answer for everyone in every situation. If mom wanted to tell her sisters and close family about things - that's up to her.

But anyways, the point being that Julie was really really upset.

At one point while talking to me about all of this, she lashed out at mom: "I bet they don't know about **this** that happened to mom. I'll be she kept THAT private." I said, "Julie, what are you doing? I don't care! Why are you dragging me into this? Just leave it alone!" Julie said "well, I'll bet the family up there doesn't know about **this** that happened to you. I'll bet mom kept that private." At this point I realize she is acting like a 14 year-old child who is not getting what she wants. She was lashing out and trying very hard to get a reaction from me. I wouldn't give it to her and quickly told her I had to go.

Then she calls later in the afternoon telling me what she found out about rehab and her psychological benefits through Tricare. I ask her.... "why are you so interested in going into long-term treatment now?" She responds back with the fact that it'll look good for when she gets the kids back. She realizes she Kayla's too old, but "there is still hope for Kayte".

I explain to her again about the 'permanent' part of "Permanent Guardianship" and that -- even if she gets completely better -- the odds of them up-rooting Kayte her when she's in her senior year of high school are slim to none. She says "I have to have hope, Tina. If I don't think I'm getting my kids back, I have no reason to get better." I then get onto her about how she needs to be getting better for HERSELF, not for any other person. I said that the kids will be grown and out of the house starting their own lives VERY soon, and that she needed to have something other than them in her life. I explained about Amanda, my little girl who is now 21, engaged and later this year will be married and have her own family. But Julie doesn't want their lives to go on in any direction other than hers. She went on and on about how they are going to move back home after they turned 18.

It was just Sad.

She then said.... "If I were home and I had no kids or knew they weren't coming home, I would be smoking pot and taking all the drugs I wanted because... it feels good." WHAT?? I couldn't believe my ears. So the ONLY thing, admittedly - ONLY thing - keeping her off pot and drugs is her belief that the kids are coming home? What a pile of crap. With that, I realized that I was - for sure - talking to a child and I just let it go and hung up.

Tonight Chris and I went to a Christian financial counselor trying to figure out how to make our money stretch. We came home -- oh Lordy -- where to start with all of this. Chris came home today and 1) there were guys leaving our house walking down the street with the girls and 2) there was a beer in the driveway. Long story but nobody was drinking beer, it was unopened and someone got it out of another guys' car... but it goes without saying that - after my all-day-long Julie-drama marathon we did NOT need "one more thing". But that's what we got.

Chris and I came in and sat all the kids down and had a LONG talk - about everything from the beer to rules to phones to boyfriends to baseball - everything. Of course, the whole time we are talking Julie is calling. House phone. Kayte's cell. Tina's cell. Chris's cell. House phone. Kayte's cell. Tina's cell. Chris's cell. OMG make it STOOOOOPPPPPPP! But we didn't answer. We were having our family meeting!

I told the kids at the end of our long family meeting that all calls with their mom would now be monitored by either Chris or myself. We had family discussions about a lot of other things, but not this - it was not open to discussion. We talked about how Justin was unknowingly making things worse by talking to her for hours and hours. Kayte became "metaphor girl" and made a good metaphor about a squirrel who keeps coming back to the same spot because someone keeps putting food out in that one spot. Julie calls and talks to Justin all the time because he will listen to her talk about nothing for hours.

When all was done, I sat down to blog. Got to 'get it out', ya know? Phone rings, it's my sister Katie this time. She said Julie called her because she couldn't get through to us. Katie asked if Julie had perhaps considered that we didn't want to TALK to her right now. Julie then says that she has to talk to the kids....

She's been cutting herself all night and she can't stop. She wants to talk to the kids. She needs to talk to the kids. (The EXACT reason I might point out that phone calls MUST be supervised from now on... the FIRST thing she talked about was how she 'needed' to talk to the kids! Is this thinking about them?? NO! It's thinking about JULIE!)

I ask Justin to call his mom and talk to her. I listen in on the conversation. She said nothing inappropriate to him. Then I got on the phone and she explained the same thing she told my sister Katie... she can't stop cutting herself. She won't call the doctor. She doesn't want to go to the hospital tonight - she needs to go and get her car out of the shop tomorrow. She wants to come over tomorrow night instead of Wednesday night for her weekly visit so that she can then go to the hospital. She said she'd cover her arms so the kids don't see all the cuts.

Do I want this in my home? Am I okay with this? I don't know........

I tell her that she needs to call the doctor. She needs to go to the hospital now. She said she doesn't want to in one breath, then in another breath said she can't stop cutting. She's lonely. Said she's been manic all day (ya THINK?). Said she feels so alone.

Then she talked to Kayte, who was NOT happy with Julie about the cutting. It was a short conversation. The kids.... they have been through SO MUCH. Dealt with more than ANY kid should have to deal with at their ages.

And now I sit here... wondering if this is the night that Julie cuts too deep. What if she does and can't stop the bleeding? Should I call the police? I'd call her doctor myself if I knew her name. But I don't. I'm worried about my sister... and yet so angry that she REFUSES to take care of herself.

Riddled with anger and guilt, I sit here typing. And still... all the while... knowing she's at home... cutting.....

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In A Nutshell:

Here is a letter I sent to Dr. Phil which really sums everything up:
I am married to my high-school sweetheart (20 years this August), with two wonderful children (Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13). I have two sisters, both younger – I call them “my good sister” and “my bad sister”. My good sister is – well, good! Normal in every way. The bad one, Julie, has been in trouble since she was a kid. As a baby she cried all of the time. As a teenager she was in trouble all of the time. At the age of 14 or so I remember that she had run away from home to live with a grown man in Atlanta. This was one of many run a ways. As a teenager, she provided sexual favors to boys in school, as well as teachers. As a young adult she was arrested for prostitution. She’s done drugs ranging from marijuana to crack. She was diagnosed early on as bi-polar with personality disorder. She’s also a serious cutter to the point where she no longer hid the cuts. She’s cut things like “Ronald Cecchinni” into her arm… and “Fuck you Dr. XXX” on her stomach, in large letters. Julie is also a diagnosed sex-addict. She’s also recently (in the past year) begun ‘huffing’. (I honestly believe that this huffing has caused some permanent damage) She is currently 36yo.
Julie lost her husband Ron a year and a half ago as a result of Leukemia and Kidney Disease which the military attributed to his serving in the Gulf War. He left behind three children – Kayla who is now 15, Justin who is now 14 and Kayte who is now 13. Even when Julie was married, her psychiatric problems persisted. She has been hospitalized literally hundreds of times over the years. However, when her husband was alive, he would take care of the kids when Julie was mentally out of control. After Ron died, Julie lost control of the kids and her life. She began to spiral out of control, having pot parties at her home (to the point where the kids said a door would open and a cloud of smoke would come bellowing out of the room), smoking weed with her own kids, having sex all over the house with different men all the time, allowing young men (19 yo) to sleep over with her oldest daughter (only 14 at the time), and allowing Gang members to live in her home (she said she felt ‘safe’ with them there). In addition, she was attempting suicide daily, overdosing on medications hoping to not wake up the next morning. Mind you all of this while she was seeing her Psychologist every week and Psychiatrist once a month. Both of these Doctors knew what was going on at home, neither of them reported it to the proper authorities. I have even been told by one of them that he was told, by Julie, that she ‘heard voices telling her to hurt the children’ but that she was proud that she could ignore the voices. Still, these Doctors reported nothing.
I should add here that it was at some point in this period of time in Julie’s life when her children began suicide watches over their mom… each one taking turns to sit in a room with her at all hours (night and day) because their mom was less-likely to hurt herself while they were here. However, it didn’t always work – Julie constantly took pills in front of them trying to either dope herself up or overdose, and she would even cut herself in front of the kids.
Finally one day, she woke up furious that her last suicide attempt didn’t work. She got violent with her oldest daughter, police were called, and finally DCF was called. (I would like to add that we (other family members) had called DCF in the past to report things, but some of the cases were ‘unfounded’ and one other time the fled the state knowing CF only had jurisdiction in Florida.) DCF removed the children from the home in November 2005 and I gained custody of the Children shortly thereafter.
There are lots of things I could add here about my sister, DCF, and the horrible Foster Care or Custodial Care program we are involved with. However, that is not my main reason for writing to you.
Kayte, the youngest, seems to be adjusting pretty well. She has a tendency to trivialize what her mom has done and the seriousness of it, but I think that is normal given that it is her mom. Kayte was in counseling, but she feels it’s ‘a waste of time’.
Justin, the middle child, is okay. As a young boy I'm told he was a terror. He used to hit his mother and at one point (only 6yo) tried to jump off a building to kill himself. Since then, his anger has turned in to an endless smothering of love and caring. He does everything for his mom… from getting her whatever she needs to rubbing her feet and back. Justin has seen a psychiatrist since moving in with me who felt that his issues were brought on by trauma. It was also at that visit with the psychiatrist that he confided in myself and the Doctor that he had suicidal thoughts often while living at home with his mom in her ‘state of being’ after his dad died. However, since he moved in with me he has done so much better (and continues to improve daily) that she didn’t feel he even needed counseling at this time. He would, however, need counseling before he was reunited with his mom.
Kayla, the oldest, has serious issues. She is also currently in counseling but feels that it is ‘a waste of time’. Kayla has always lied and stolen things. Family members feel sorry for her because you can tell that she doesn’t really mean any ill will by it, but it’s been ‘the way she is’ for a very long time. By far her biggest problems are lying and her need for approval by men (young and old).
Since the kids have moved in with us, my husband and I have set up rules. The kids already had myspace accounts, so we set ground rules for it. 1) We needed the login names and passwords. 2) Profiles must be set to private. 3) The only people they were allowed to have on their friends list was people that they actually knew. When Kayla’s list climbed over 300, and she was found to have inappropriate conversations (wanting to sneak out and ‘hook up’ with young men), we made everyone cut their list down to 30 friends, which included myself. 4) All vulgar language and inappropriate photos would come off immediately and would be monitored by myself at any given time. At times, they try to put up ‘sexy’ pictures which immediately need to come down.
However recently I have found that she has multiple website things going on in an attempt to pick up young men. I'll outline a few here so that you understand the gravity of the situation: 1) I found her 'normal' myspace account set to 'public view'. She has over 11,000 profile views(meaning people looking at her pictures and wanting to know more about her). I had reset it to private many times, but she keeps going back and resetting it to public. 2) I have found another myspace account which she went by the name 'Shannon' and used it to pick up young men, tease them, then later tell them that she was 'taken' but refer them to her 'cousin, Kayla'. She'd then give them all of Kayla's information. Of course thiswas also set to public. 3) I have found another social network website that was like myspace in which she had ONLY men (mostly from other states) as her 'friends' whom she corresponded with. The emails back and forth basically said the same thing as all of the others... more on that in #4 - only these were guys that not only did she not know, but they were not even in the area! 4) All accounts that I have found had basically the same thing... her emailing guys wanting to know if she was pretty, if they wanted to 'hook up', talking about going to their 'crib' or meeting up with them somewhere, and constantly seeking approval and affirmation from these guys.
I believe she gets this from her mom. And the sad thing is, if you met her, you would love her. She is truly a GREAT kid… but she has serious issues. I’ve described to you Julie’s behavior and Kayla’s seems to be the same way. Neither can make decisions on their own that are ‘the right thing to do’, and both lack the understanding of simple values, morals and ethics. I could go into so many examples. How do I describe the utterly amazing difference between Julie’s parenting style and my own?
I know... Both Julie and I have myspace accounts set up to ‘monitor’ the kids. To illustrate the difference between Julie and myself, here is something that Julie and I both put on our myspace accounts. You are supposed to put something 'about yourself' by your picture. Here is mine: "I'm 38 years old. I have two amazing kids, Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13. I have great husband, Chris. I love to sing - and have been singing in Toast of Tampa Show Chorus for 10 years. I'm raising my nieces and nephew (12, 13 and 14). I love God and my family."And here is Julie's: "I am who I am and if you dont like me for me........FUCK YOU........ Plus if you dont like me for me....... Im gunna tell my kids and there gunna kick yer ass!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Here’s the other dilemma we are having; the two girls are in counseling that is costing me $25 EACH in co-payments every time they go. The State of Florida provides NO financial support to me as a relative caregiver, other than providing the three kids with Medicaid. They received small SSI checks because of their dad’s death, but it barely covers the food they consume. The DCF worker, having spoke with the girls and being told that therapy is ‘a waste of time’, has referred me to a clinic that DCF uses for cases such as this to seek mental care for Kayla (aswell as the others). However, the kids have TriCare as their primary insurance because their dad died from Military causes. TriCare requires the co-payment, regardless of the Medicaid secondary. Having said that, please understand that I worked in referrals in a primary care physician’s office for 16 years… I totally ‘get’ what is required for primary and secondary insurances and all the red tape. But because of the uniqueness of this situation, the kids are suffering!
I should also point out here that I have the kids for an indefinite period of time. Right now Julie is doing things that she has been told to do to get the kids back. However, she is still awaiting a court ordered detailed Psychiatric exam to determine if she can EVER parent again. Even if that Psychiatrist feels she can parent again, she’ll most likely need to be ‘clean’ and ‘episode-free’ for 6 months to a year minimum. In addition, Julie is only allowed supervised visits and one phone call a day. This came about because of her inappropriate behavior when she was with the kids and because when she was allowed to call any time she’d call 10 + times a day.
The other problem with Julie ever getting her children back is that… she doesn’t understand what she did wrong. She parents as if she were 15-years old herself. If anyone has ever done something bad and been able to ‘keep’ their kids, she sees no reason she can’t do it. She brought her daughter at the age of 13 in for a HUGE tattoo on the small of her back. It’s Tigger flipping ‘the bird’ with her gang name under it. She was also planning on getting a large tattoo on her 12yo before the kids were taken. Again, she sees nothing wrong with any of her past behavior.
So, you see, I could have these children for the rest of their teenage years. I honestly don’t know where to turn to get them the help they need.
I feel as if I am in a psychiatric nightmare and I just can’t wake up. Eight months ago I was at home, my biggest ‘kid worry’ was if my son was going to get good grades on his report card. Now I find myself in a crux worried about whether or not the lessons I teach them, this late in their young life, are going to be enough to turn these kids around and help them to be productive adults in the near future.

Tina's Daily Blog

Monday, June 18, 2007

Calling and Cutting

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