Tina's Daily Blog: Horrible Day

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Horrible Day

Let me tell you about my horrible day.

It started last night - I came home from bible study at about 10pm only to find kids still up. I had called them at 9 reminding them all to go to bed. As usual.... nobody listens to me.

As late as 10:30 Justin even comes down to give me a hug and kiss goodnight. It's frustrating because then I have to get onto him about the lateness of his bedtime when all he wants is a hug.
At 11:30 I go to bed and Kayla is up cleaning her room and Justin is still awake. (I always check on them before turning in for the night) Of course I yell at both of them and tell them to GET TO SLEEP. Additionally, when I checked Jonathan's alarm to make sure it was on, he rolled over, woke up, and told me that I didn't need to get up every morning to wake him up. He could get up just fine on his own. This is great news for me... I HATE getting up at 5:30 every morning.

I go to bed, setting my alarm clock to wake me at the time that **I** need to wake up: 7:40.

At 6:20 in the morning however, I wake up on my own. Usually it's pure chaos at this time in the Rhocchini house.... Justin coming into our room to borrow the iron; Jonathan coming in to use my brush; Kayte coming in looking for tweezers in my bathroom; doors slamming downstairs; kids fighting.... All normal morning stuff. This morning - it's totally silent - and DARK. I get up and find all four kids still soundly sleeping. Their bus comes in TEN MINUTES. I frantically start yelling, telling everyone that they overslept.... They have 10 minutes to run and catch their bus.

Of course, ALL FOUR kids state that their alarm clocks malfunctioned - miraculously on the same day and set for totally different times. After I begin the "I told you so" speech because they went to bed SO LATE and I knew they were going to have problems getting up... All four tell me that their late bedtime in absolutely NO WAY had ANYTHING to do with why they overslept. Leading this argument for the kids was Kayte. It was all I could do to not beat her. The LAST thing I want to do at 6:25 on a Tuesday morning is argue with Kayte in her "attorney-mode".

At 6:25 I walk to the three bedrooms to make sure everyone is nearly dressed. Where is Justin??? Still in bed, under the covers. He has FIVE MINUTES. I say to him "Justin! Get up!!!!" He says... Oh you are going to love this.... "I AM UP." I told him his bus comes in FIVE MINUTES and he must get up. He repeats "I am up!!" I look at him - bewildered - laying in the bed. I finally shout "VERTICAL JUSTIN... GET UP.... VERTICLE... GET READY FOR SCHOOL!!!" He gets up.

Frrrrrrrrrrustrating!!!

Then I get to work only to get an email from a teacher of Kayte's. She was supposed to go on a medical field trip. I don't know what it was about - Kayte just told me last week that she needed $27. Then this weekend she tells me she needs the paperwork signed.

I signed everything except for the medical release part. Usually there are two parts on a school permission slip for medical treatment: one authorizing them to do anything they deem necessary - one saying you do not authorize anything other than life-threatening treatment to be done.

This permission slip had only the first option. I didn't sign that area... But I signed everywhere else. The teacher told Kayte that 1. She couldn't go because I wouldn't sign there and 2. I couldn't get my money back.

Well... I was ALL OVER THAT. I emailed the teacher today, probably 5 times conversing back and forth. Then I talked to the principal. She is looking into it for me. She said that there are parents with students who, for religious purposes, will not sign a blanket medical release, but the school had to respect their wishes and allow them to go anyways. This should be no different. It's a choice. It's MY choice. So... We'll see what happens there.

I didn't tell you guys that I got my electric bill for the month. Remember, I couldn't wait for it this time because we fixed the dryer venting.

Did it help???

No.

My electric bill this month... A staggering $435.00.

Oh

My

God

I've been filled with shock and fear since I opened the bill. I called them to find out if there is any way this could be incorrect. They ran me through the normal questions: what temp. Do you have your AC set at during the day.... Do you use your water heater every day... Do you have a pool... Etc. I answered everything, but - still - nothing has CHANGED so it doesn't explain the ginormous jump in the electric bill.

I have, however, turned the AC up to 90 during the day and 85 at night. That'll last until Chris gets home I'm sure as it's hard to walk around the house sweating profusely and not turn the AC down. But for now... It at least helps me to FEEL that I'm doing SOMETHING.

My horrible day ended with a knock on the door. On Friday night this week the girls had a friend sleep over. This friend has been through some horrible stuff… her mom died and her Aunt and Uncle are now raising her – they were awarded permanent custody from DCF. The Uncle is a retired corrections officer. We have a lot in common with this family. Anyways………….
The Aunt, Uncle and their Niece are at my door and ask to come in tonight at 9pm to talk to me. Well… when she spent the night on Friday night and all day Saturday – she was here because she was running away from home. The Aunt/Uncle tell me that she had gone to the Football Game at Gaither in hopes of just leaving there are ‘running away’ to wherever… and Kayte and Kayla took her in and said “come to my house”. They wanted to thank us for providing a safe haven for their little girl in the midst of her troubles.

It was good………. And bad….. at the same time! Of course it wasn't all 'thank you' words... there were plenty of concerns about their Niece going missing... they should have called DCF... my kids didn't call her until Saturday and they were worried sick all night Friday. For the most part they just wanted to tell me - if this girl came over my house again - please call them and ask if she is supposed to be there. Sigh..........

Now it’s 9:44 at night. I’ve yelled “go to bed” at least 4 times already trying to type this blog. I need to go upstairs and kick some teenage butt and then go relax myself until bed time.

Before I leave for the night though... I have a request. A rare request for something that's not included in a "Top 5 List". The kids are getting SO active... they want to get to the football games, go to the park, go to friends houses. We have two bikes, (both somewhat broken - meaning, neither of them the kids can actually use at this time) and four active teenagers. If any of you have or know of someone who has a bicycle that they would be willing to donate to us -- I would GREATLY appreciate it. It would really help out with the busy times here.

Please keep all of us in your prayers. In particular – please pray for a – ‘change’ I am thinking about making that I can’t blog about just yet here. Pray that God will guide me in the right direction for me and for the family. Pray for patience and understanding. And pray for Amanda and Gene who will be getting married on Thursday.

For the most part, fear is nothing but an illusion.
When you share it with someone else, it tends to disappear.
Marilyn C. Barrick

2 comments:

Anonymous said...: Bed time SUCKS! Wake Up time SUCKS! I know you live for Saturdays!

By the way-there is a bike here--come get it!!! Needs air in the tires, maybe new tires?? But it's certainly able to go to your house!

Hang in there, prayers as always-keep the faith!!

~M; 9:24 PM
Anonymous said...: Call me at home, I have a garage full of bikes...; 8:07 AM

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In A Nutshell:

Here is a letter I sent to Dr. Phil which really sums everything up:
I am married to my high-school sweetheart (20 years this August), with two wonderful children (Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13). I have two sisters, both younger – I call them “my good sister” and “my bad sister”. My good sister is – well, good! Normal in every way. The bad one, Julie, has been in trouble since she was a kid. As a baby she cried all of the time. As a teenager she was in trouble all of the time. At the age of 14 or so I remember that she had run away from home to live with a grown man in Atlanta. This was one of many run a ways. As a teenager, she provided sexual favors to boys in school, as well as teachers. As a young adult she was arrested for prostitution. She’s done drugs ranging from marijuana to crack. She was diagnosed early on as bi-polar with personality disorder. She’s also a serious cutter to the point where she no longer hid the cuts. She’s cut things like “Ronald Cecchinni” into her arm… and “Fuck you Dr. XXX” on her stomach, in large letters. Julie is also a diagnosed sex-addict. She’s also recently (in the past year) begun ‘huffing’. (I honestly believe that this huffing has caused some permanent damage) She is currently 36yo.
Julie lost her husband Ron a year and a half ago as a result of Leukemia and Kidney Disease which the military attributed to his serving in the Gulf War. He left behind three children – Kayla who is now 15, Justin who is now 14 and Kayte who is now 13. Even when Julie was married, her psychiatric problems persisted. She has been hospitalized literally hundreds of times over the years. However, when her husband was alive, he would take care of the kids when Julie was mentally out of control. After Ron died, Julie lost control of the kids and her life. She began to spiral out of control, having pot parties at her home (to the point where the kids said a door would open and a cloud of smoke would come bellowing out of the room), smoking weed with her own kids, having sex all over the house with different men all the time, allowing young men (19 yo) to sleep over with her oldest daughter (only 14 at the time), and allowing Gang members to live in her home (she said she felt ‘safe’ with them there). In addition, she was attempting suicide daily, overdosing on medications hoping to not wake up the next morning. Mind you all of this while she was seeing her Psychologist every week and Psychiatrist once a month. Both of these Doctors knew what was going on at home, neither of them reported it to the proper authorities. I have even been told by one of them that he was told, by Julie, that she ‘heard voices telling her to hurt the children’ but that she was proud that she could ignore the voices. Still, these Doctors reported nothing.
I should add here that it was at some point in this period of time in Julie’s life when her children began suicide watches over their mom… each one taking turns to sit in a room with her at all hours (night and day) because their mom was less-likely to hurt herself while they were here. However, it didn’t always work – Julie constantly took pills in front of them trying to either dope herself up or overdose, and she would even cut herself in front of the kids.
Finally one day, she woke up furious that her last suicide attempt didn’t work. She got violent with her oldest daughter, police were called, and finally DCF was called. (I would like to add that we (other family members) had called DCF in the past to report things, but some of the cases were ‘unfounded’ and one other time the fled the state knowing CF only had jurisdiction in Florida.) DCF removed the children from the home in November 2005 and I gained custody of the Children shortly thereafter.
There are lots of things I could add here about my sister, DCF, and the horrible Foster Care or Custodial Care program we are involved with. However, that is not my main reason for writing to you.
Kayte, the youngest, seems to be adjusting pretty well. She has a tendency to trivialize what her mom has done and the seriousness of it, but I think that is normal given that it is her mom. Kayte was in counseling, but she feels it’s ‘a waste of time’.
Justin, the middle child, is okay. As a young boy I'm told he was a terror. He used to hit his mother and at one point (only 6yo) tried to jump off a building to kill himself. Since then, his anger has turned in to an endless smothering of love and caring. He does everything for his mom… from getting her whatever she needs to rubbing her feet and back. Justin has seen a psychiatrist since moving in with me who felt that his issues were brought on by trauma. It was also at that visit with the psychiatrist that he confided in myself and the Doctor that he had suicidal thoughts often while living at home with his mom in her ‘state of being’ after his dad died. However, since he moved in with me he has done so much better (and continues to improve daily) that she didn’t feel he even needed counseling at this time. He would, however, need counseling before he was reunited with his mom.
Kayla, the oldest, has serious issues. She is also currently in counseling but feels that it is ‘a waste of time’. Kayla has always lied and stolen things. Family members feel sorry for her because you can tell that she doesn’t really mean any ill will by it, but it’s been ‘the way she is’ for a very long time. By far her biggest problems are lying and her need for approval by men (young and old).
Since the kids have moved in with us, my husband and I have set up rules. The kids already had myspace accounts, so we set ground rules for it. 1) We needed the login names and passwords. 2) Profiles must be set to private. 3) The only people they were allowed to have on their friends list was people that they actually knew. When Kayla’s list climbed over 300, and she was found to have inappropriate conversations (wanting to sneak out and ‘hook up’ with young men), we made everyone cut their list down to 30 friends, which included myself. 4) All vulgar language and inappropriate photos would come off immediately and would be monitored by myself at any given time. At times, they try to put up ‘sexy’ pictures which immediately need to come down.
However recently I have found that she has multiple website things going on in an attempt to pick up young men. I'll outline a few here so that you understand the gravity of the situation: 1) I found her 'normal' myspace account set to 'public view'. She has over 11,000 profile views(meaning people looking at her pictures and wanting to know more about her). I had reset it to private many times, but she keeps going back and resetting it to public. 2) I have found another myspace account which she went by the name 'Shannon' and used it to pick up young men, tease them, then later tell them that she was 'taken' but refer them to her 'cousin, Kayla'. She'd then give them all of Kayla's information. Of course thiswas also set to public. 3) I have found another social network website that was like myspace in which she had ONLY men (mostly from other states) as her 'friends' whom she corresponded with. The emails back and forth basically said the same thing as all of the others... more on that in #4 - only these were guys that not only did she not know, but they were not even in the area! 4) All accounts that I have found had basically the same thing... her emailing guys wanting to know if she was pretty, if they wanted to 'hook up', talking about going to their 'crib' or meeting up with them somewhere, and constantly seeking approval and affirmation from these guys.
I believe she gets this from her mom. And the sad thing is, if you met her, you would love her. She is truly a GREAT kid… but she has serious issues. I’ve described to you Julie’s behavior and Kayla’s seems to be the same way. Neither can make decisions on their own that are ‘the right thing to do’, and both lack the understanding of simple values, morals and ethics. I could go into so many examples. How do I describe the utterly amazing difference between Julie’s parenting style and my own?
I know... Both Julie and I have myspace accounts set up to ‘monitor’ the kids. To illustrate the difference between Julie and myself, here is something that Julie and I both put on our myspace accounts. You are supposed to put something 'about yourself' by your picture. Here is mine: "I'm 38 years old. I have two amazing kids, Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13. I have great husband, Chris. I love to sing - and have been singing in Toast of Tampa Show Chorus for 10 years. I'm raising my nieces and nephew (12, 13 and 14). I love God and my family."And here is Julie's: "I am who I am and if you dont like me for me........FUCK YOU........ Plus if you dont like me for me....... Im gunna tell my kids and there gunna kick yer ass!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Here’s the other dilemma we are having; the two girls are in counseling that is costing me $25 EACH in co-payments every time they go. The State of Florida provides NO financial support to me as a relative caregiver, other than providing the three kids with Medicaid. They received small SSI checks because of their dad’s death, but it barely covers the food they consume. The DCF worker, having spoke with the girls and being told that therapy is ‘a waste of time’, has referred me to a clinic that DCF uses for cases such as this to seek mental care for Kayla (aswell as the others). However, the kids have TriCare as their primary insurance because their dad died from Military causes. TriCare requires the co-payment, regardless of the Medicaid secondary. Having said that, please understand that I worked in referrals in a primary care physician’s office for 16 years… I totally ‘get’ what is required for primary and secondary insurances and all the red tape. But because of the uniqueness of this situation, the kids are suffering!
I should also point out here that I have the kids for an indefinite period of time. Right now Julie is doing things that she has been told to do to get the kids back. However, she is still awaiting a court ordered detailed Psychiatric exam to determine if she can EVER parent again. Even if that Psychiatrist feels she can parent again, she’ll most likely need to be ‘clean’ and ‘episode-free’ for 6 months to a year minimum. In addition, Julie is only allowed supervised visits and one phone call a day. This came about because of her inappropriate behavior when she was with the kids and because when she was allowed to call any time she’d call 10 + times a day.
The other problem with Julie ever getting her children back is that… she doesn’t understand what she did wrong. She parents as if she were 15-years old herself. If anyone has ever done something bad and been able to ‘keep’ their kids, she sees no reason she can’t do it. She brought her daughter at the age of 13 in for a HUGE tattoo on the small of her back. It’s Tigger flipping ‘the bird’ with her gang name under it. She was also planning on getting a large tattoo on her 12yo before the kids were taken. Again, she sees nothing wrong with any of her past behavior.
So, you see, I could have these children for the rest of their teenage years. I honestly don’t know where to turn to get them the help they need.
I feel as if I am in a psychiatric nightmare and I just can’t wake up. Eight months ago I was at home, my biggest ‘kid worry’ was if my son was going to get good grades on his report card. Now I find myself in a crux worried about whether or not the lessons I teach them, this late in their young life, are going to be enough to turn these kids around and help them to be productive adults in the near future.

Tina's Daily Blog

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Horrible Day

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