Tina's Daily Blog: Parents Win!

Thursday, September 06, 2007

Parents Win!

I really wish you could hear the noise level in my house sometimes. I got home from work today and the house is L-O-U-D. Justin is begging me to take him to the park. He has not yet done his chores. From yesterday. Kayte is doing homework but complaining about it the whole time. Jonathan is on the computer, but earlier was yelling and slamming cabinet doors because Kayla was giving him a hard time. Kayla - after much fuss from me - finally did her chore - uh, yeah - from yesterday. I just yelled to Jonathan to do his chores. Sean is over here and is arguing with Justing about going to the park. The phone has rung non-stop since I walked in at 5:15. My head is killing me.............

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Headline in the St. Pete Times (front page) yesterday. "The Phone War Is Over. Parents Win." Oh my GOODNESS I love this........... AT&T unveiled a new plan yesterday where parents can control everything about their kid's cell phone usage. With a simple mouse-click, I can turn Kayte's phone off while she is at school, while she should be doing homework, and after 9 pm. She can not make or receive phone calls or text messages during these times. Additionally, you can tell the program how many minutes and/or text messages your child is allowed to use. When they get to 75%, they get a warning from AT&T that they are at 75%. When they reach the alloted maximum, they can't use the phone any more. HELLO! This is freaking AWESOME! How come it took till just now for a cell phone company to do this??!! I'm lovin' it! There are other features... someone calls who we don't like, we can block their calls entirely; and we can program up to 15 numbers that will be allowed to call even in the 'off' times (as in, if Chris and I need her we will always be able to do so).

I am so happy that they have given this control to parents. They are billing it as "no more surprise phone bills" which might be a good marketing tool. But, I just want to be able to give a cell phone to one of the kids as a reward, and KNOW that they are not abusing it by using it at school or after hours. Kudos to AT&T for implementing this new technology. I hope other cell companies will soon follow and that, eventually, most kids who have cell phones in school and at night won't be on them. Kids need to learn common courtesy and they need limits. Giving the parents the tools to do this is really a great thing.

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Julie is out of the hospital. Oh Lord is she out. Today I was at work on the phone with a customer taking an order.... the phone rings at work - it's Julie. I let it ring through to voice mail. Immediately following my cell phone rings. Julie. I hit 'ignore' so that I can continue this customer call. Work phone rings again, Julie. Didn't answer. Cell phone rings again, Julie. Ignore. Cell phone rings again. Ignore. Cell phone rings again, this time I pick up so she can maybe HEAR that I am working. Then I hang up (without talking to her of course, I'm on the phone with a customer). Julie calls back again.

Oh

My

God

Stop calling!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I finally got off the phone and talked to her. She wanted to tell me she was leaving the hospital, that mom "wouldn't" pick her up and that Kaye was bringing her home. Well, to the Casino where Kaye is staying for a few days to hang out for a bit and then (presumably) home. Great. And??? House burning down????? Did someone die???? Why all the phone calls one after the other, non-stop??? Just her way.

So, tonight I'm at home, on the phone with Kayla's now ex-boyfriend. He's nearly in tears and such.... wants to meet with us to explain things (more on that in a bit) and I hear call waiting. I am on a phone which doesn't show who's calling in, but this kid is pretty upset, so I ignore the incoming call and keep talking to him. Then the call-waiting again. Then again.

Oh

My

God.

I click over. Any guesses?????????????? Aww come on, that was too easy, right? Yepper - Julie. She was calling to tell me that she was still at the Casino and to ask why I bashed her new roommate in my blog. I explained that I did NOT bash her roommate in my blog. She said "Mom told me you put in there that she lost her job and she wasn't working" I explained that I had put that she just moved in, and then lost her job but was looking for another one and that I really hoped (for Julie's sake) that she did find one quickly. No bashing. SHEESH. In any case, still nobody dying... why does she just call and call and call and call??

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So, Kayla. Let me tell you some of what is going on with her. She's been dating this guy, Chris, for the summer. She works with him. He's a nice enough guy. We always like her boyfriends, this one is no exception. Kayla has been.... what's the word..... 'flirting' is too strong a word to describe it.... she's shown an interest in other boys since school started. Chris does not go to her school, and so I pretty much expected as much. No biggie, right? Well, apparently this Chris guy is head-over-heels about Kayla. She's told me that she has tried to break up with him in the recent past and he sent flowers. He's stayed at her work (he wasn't working at the time) for HOURS waiting just to talk to her after some of the fights. The other day.... after she tried to again break up with him.... he bought her a diamond ring with wedding band. WHAAAATTTT? I totally freaked out - of course.

Without getting too personal here, I can tell you that we've talked to Kayla in length about the whole thing. The funniest part was when she was saying things like "you guys just don't understand...." I was quick to point out that - if there were TWO people on the PLANET who understood young teenage love and how it really CAN last - it's Chris and I.

Some things were said during our long conversation with Kayla that needed to be addressed by others, and so I've talked with both her guidance counselor at Gaither and Chris's guidance counselor at his high school. I actually had a long conversation with each of these counselors. What I've come to realize is that Kayla is NOT as serious as Chris is. Chris truly believes he is in love.

He is coming over the house tomorrow to have a face-to-face meeting with Chris and I to discuss his love for Kayla. I'm really worried about this as I want it to be honest and yet be kind to him. His guidance counselor today was telling me that he really seemed to like Chris. He looked up to him. He doesn't have a father in his life.........

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The Durango isn't doing so well again. Poor thing. I was driving home today, went over a bump and felt the horrible shocks. Turned the wheel and hearing the power steering groan. (Mind you I put in a whole bottle last night and only drove a mile and a half to work today.) I hit the accelerator and hear the transmission wind up, not wanting to shift to another gear. Oh boy. Can I ask for more prayers for the car? I know, I know.... pray for a car?? We NEED this car to be in good condition until the kids move out. We need something that will hold all of us. It'll be paid off in a few months. It's just got to last a little bit longer........ so pray for it even if you think it's silly. :o)

I've got to run. I need to make dinner and get ready for choir practice. Keep us in your thoughts and prayers.

Make it a rule of life never to regret and never to look back. Regret is an appalling waste of energy; you can't build on it, it's only good for wallowing in.
Katherine Mansfield

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In A Nutshell:

Here is a letter I sent to Dr. Phil which really sums everything up:
I am married to my high-school sweetheart (20 years this August), with two wonderful children (Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13). I have two sisters, both younger – I call them “my good sister” and “my bad sister”. My good sister is – well, good! Normal in every way. The bad one, Julie, has been in trouble since she was a kid. As a baby she cried all of the time. As a teenager she was in trouble all of the time. At the age of 14 or so I remember that she had run away from home to live with a grown man in Atlanta. This was one of many run a ways. As a teenager, she provided sexual favors to boys in school, as well as teachers. As a young adult she was arrested for prostitution. She’s done drugs ranging from marijuana to crack. She was diagnosed early on as bi-polar with personality disorder. She’s also a serious cutter to the point where she no longer hid the cuts. She’s cut things like “Ronald Cecchinni” into her arm… and “Fuck you Dr. XXX” on her stomach, in large letters. Julie is also a diagnosed sex-addict. She’s also recently (in the past year) begun ‘huffing’. (I honestly believe that this huffing has caused some permanent damage) She is currently 36yo.
Julie lost her husband Ron a year and a half ago as a result of Leukemia and Kidney Disease which the military attributed to his serving in the Gulf War. He left behind three children – Kayla who is now 15, Justin who is now 14 and Kayte who is now 13. Even when Julie was married, her psychiatric problems persisted. She has been hospitalized literally hundreds of times over the years. However, when her husband was alive, he would take care of the kids when Julie was mentally out of control. After Ron died, Julie lost control of the kids and her life. She began to spiral out of control, having pot parties at her home (to the point where the kids said a door would open and a cloud of smoke would come bellowing out of the room), smoking weed with her own kids, having sex all over the house with different men all the time, allowing young men (19 yo) to sleep over with her oldest daughter (only 14 at the time), and allowing Gang members to live in her home (she said she felt ‘safe’ with them there). In addition, she was attempting suicide daily, overdosing on medications hoping to not wake up the next morning. Mind you all of this while she was seeing her Psychologist every week and Psychiatrist once a month. Both of these Doctors knew what was going on at home, neither of them reported it to the proper authorities. I have even been told by one of them that he was told, by Julie, that she ‘heard voices telling her to hurt the children’ but that she was proud that she could ignore the voices. Still, these Doctors reported nothing.
I should add here that it was at some point in this period of time in Julie’s life when her children began suicide watches over their mom… each one taking turns to sit in a room with her at all hours (night and day) because their mom was less-likely to hurt herself while they were here. However, it didn’t always work – Julie constantly took pills in front of them trying to either dope herself up or overdose, and she would even cut herself in front of the kids.
Finally one day, she woke up furious that her last suicide attempt didn’t work. She got violent with her oldest daughter, police were called, and finally DCF was called. (I would like to add that we (other family members) had called DCF in the past to report things, but some of the cases were ‘unfounded’ and one other time the fled the state knowing CF only had jurisdiction in Florida.) DCF removed the children from the home in November 2005 and I gained custody of the Children shortly thereafter.
There are lots of things I could add here about my sister, DCF, and the horrible Foster Care or Custodial Care program we are involved with. However, that is not my main reason for writing to you.
Kayte, the youngest, seems to be adjusting pretty well. She has a tendency to trivialize what her mom has done and the seriousness of it, but I think that is normal given that it is her mom. Kayte was in counseling, but she feels it’s ‘a waste of time’.
Justin, the middle child, is okay. As a young boy I'm told he was a terror. He used to hit his mother and at one point (only 6yo) tried to jump off a building to kill himself. Since then, his anger has turned in to an endless smothering of love and caring. He does everything for his mom… from getting her whatever she needs to rubbing her feet and back. Justin has seen a psychiatrist since moving in with me who felt that his issues were brought on by trauma. It was also at that visit with the psychiatrist that he confided in myself and the Doctor that he had suicidal thoughts often while living at home with his mom in her ‘state of being’ after his dad died. However, since he moved in with me he has done so much better (and continues to improve daily) that she didn’t feel he even needed counseling at this time. He would, however, need counseling before he was reunited with his mom.
Kayla, the oldest, has serious issues. She is also currently in counseling but feels that it is ‘a waste of time’. Kayla has always lied and stolen things. Family members feel sorry for her because you can tell that she doesn’t really mean any ill will by it, but it’s been ‘the way she is’ for a very long time. By far her biggest problems are lying and her need for approval by men (young and old).
Since the kids have moved in with us, my husband and I have set up rules. The kids already had myspace accounts, so we set ground rules for it. 1) We needed the login names and passwords. 2) Profiles must be set to private. 3) The only people they were allowed to have on their friends list was people that they actually knew. When Kayla’s list climbed over 300, and she was found to have inappropriate conversations (wanting to sneak out and ‘hook up’ with young men), we made everyone cut their list down to 30 friends, which included myself. 4) All vulgar language and inappropriate photos would come off immediately and would be monitored by myself at any given time. At times, they try to put up ‘sexy’ pictures which immediately need to come down.
However recently I have found that she has multiple website things going on in an attempt to pick up young men. I'll outline a few here so that you understand the gravity of the situation: 1) I found her 'normal' myspace account set to 'public view'. She has over 11,000 profile views(meaning people looking at her pictures and wanting to know more about her). I had reset it to private many times, but she keeps going back and resetting it to public. 2) I have found another myspace account which she went by the name 'Shannon' and used it to pick up young men, tease them, then later tell them that she was 'taken' but refer them to her 'cousin, Kayla'. She'd then give them all of Kayla's information. Of course thiswas also set to public. 3) I have found another social network website that was like myspace in which she had ONLY men (mostly from other states) as her 'friends' whom she corresponded with. The emails back and forth basically said the same thing as all of the others... more on that in #4 - only these were guys that not only did she not know, but they were not even in the area! 4) All accounts that I have found had basically the same thing... her emailing guys wanting to know if she was pretty, if they wanted to 'hook up', talking about going to their 'crib' or meeting up with them somewhere, and constantly seeking approval and affirmation from these guys.
I believe she gets this from her mom. And the sad thing is, if you met her, you would love her. She is truly a GREAT kid… but she has serious issues. I’ve described to you Julie’s behavior and Kayla’s seems to be the same way. Neither can make decisions on their own that are ‘the right thing to do’, and both lack the understanding of simple values, morals and ethics. I could go into so many examples. How do I describe the utterly amazing difference between Julie’s parenting style and my own?
I know... Both Julie and I have myspace accounts set up to ‘monitor’ the kids. To illustrate the difference between Julie and myself, here is something that Julie and I both put on our myspace accounts. You are supposed to put something 'about yourself' by your picture. Here is mine: "I'm 38 years old. I have two amazing kids, Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13. I have great husband, Chris. I love to sing - and have been singing in Toast of Tampa Show Chorus for 10 years. I'm raising my nieces and nephew (12, 13 and 14). I love God and my family."And here is Julie's: "I am who I am and if you dont like me for me........FUCK YOU........ Plus if you dont like me for me....... Im gunna tell my kids and there gunna kick yer ass!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Here’s the other dilemma we are having; the two girls are in counseling that is costing me $25 EACH in co-payments every time they go. The State of Florida provides NO financial support to me as a relative caregiver, other than providing the three kids with Medicaid. They received small SSI checks because of their dad’s death, but it barely covers the food they consume. The DCF worker, having spoke with the girls and being told that therapy is ‘a waste of time’, has referred me to a clinic that DCF uses for cases such as this to seek mental care for Kayla (aswell as the others). However, the kids have TriCare as their primary insurance because their dad died from Military causes. TriCare requires the co-payment, regardless of the Medicaid secondary. Having said that, please understand that I worked in referrals in a primary care physician’s office for 16 years… I totally ‘get’ what is required for primary and secondary insurances and all the red tape. But because of the uniqueness of this situation, the kids are suffering!
I should also point out here that I have the kids for an indefinite period of time. Right now Julie is doing things that she has been told to do to get the kids back. However, she is still awaiting a court ordered detailed Psychiatric exam to determine if she can EVER parent again. Even if that Psychiatrist feels she can parent again, she’ll most likely need to be ‘clean’ and ‘episode-free’ for 6 months to a year minimum. In addition, Julie is only allowed supervised visits and one phone call a day. This came about because of her inappropriate behavior when she was with the kids and because when she was allowed to call any time she’d call 10 + times a day.
The other problem with Julie ever getting her children back is that… she doesn’t understand what she did wrong. She parents as if she were 15-years old herself. If anyone has ever done something bad and been able to ‘keep’ their kids, she sees no reason she can’t do it. She brought her daughter at the age of 13 in for a HUGE tattoo on the small of her back. It’s Tigger flipping ‘the bird’ with her gang name under it. She was also planning on getting a large tattoo on her 12yo before the kids were taken. Again, she sees nothing wrong with any of her past behavior.
So, you see, I could have these children for the rest of their teenage years. I honestly don’t know where to turn to get them the help they need.
I feel as if I am in a psychiatric nightmare and I just can’t wake up. Eight months ago I was at home, my biggest ‘kid worry’ was if my son was going to get good grades on his report card. Now I find myself in a crux worried about whether or not the lessons I teach them, this late in their young life, are going to be enough to turn these kids around and help them to be productive adults in the near future.

Tina's Daily Blog

Thursday, September 06, 2007

Parents Win!

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In A Nutshell: