Tina's Daily Blog: Hospice Called In For Doug

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Hospice Called In For Doug

We received some really sad news the other day about Doug, Chris's father.

He has been in an assisted living facility for a couple years now.

Chris and I went out to see him again on Sunday. Doug is THIN. Very thin. None of the clothes we bought him fit anymore. He kept falling asleep while we were there. His birthday was on Monday and we brought him some cards and such. But it was sad seeing him in this state.

The workers there found us in his room and pulled us into the office and told us that they were calling in Hospice to evaluate him.

Today the Hospice nurse went out and they did admit him to Hospice care, diagnosing him with "failure to thrive".

Chris has spent much of the day today getting his affairs in order, per their instructions. There is so much to do - and Chris has been a ROCK. Hospice will go out with nurses twice a week to check on him... they will send a volunteer out once a week to just meet with him and get to know him. And Chris's mother has stepped in and decided to go up to the facility and give it a 'face-lift' and sit and talk with Doug about the 'old times' throughout the day.

Chris has been a rock. A true man in every sense. A great husband. A great father. A great son.

I know Chris is under a tremendous amount of pressure and stress. He was Doug's only son as Chris is an only Child. And Doug has no living family members. Chris is pretty much "it". I know that he has a lot on his plate....

I didn't help him much today I'm afraid.

I haven't been feeling all that well myself.

At work we have some big stuff going on. One of the companies we sell for is rolling out a whole new computer program which began Monday. No pressure or anything, but if Tampa Electric Company orders twenty thousand dollars in parts and I mess up putting in the parts orders because of this new system and they aren't delivered in time and thousands of customers go without electricity.... geez... can you SEE that headline in the paper? Yeah.... boo hiss!

Julie.... well.... I had a talk with Julie on Sunday and I think she is now okay with moving into an apartment. I mean... regardless of what happens to her VA money, her mortgage is going to go UP every 6 months as she has the ARM that a lot of us are stuck with right now. So - regardless of what money is going to go to the kids and how you feel about that - she wouldn't be able to afford to stay in that house much longer regardless. SO - she is looking into apartments. But she wants help in doing so. I think she should get people like Amanda to help her - people who have recently LOOKED for apartments and actually KNOW what they are doing. Instead she's relying on me for help and guidance. And - I get that... I'm her older sister. But - I've never moved to an apartment - never even looked into one really. Never hired a moving van like she's wanting to do - I've always packed my own boxed and hauled them to the U-haul myself - unpacking every single box myself. I don't know all this stuff she's asking about. I'm trying to help her I guess... but I don't understand why the movers and why the 3 bedroom apartment and all that stuff. I dunno.

She decided to not pay her mortgage at all and put all that money into savings for the move. Then she has furniture that she owes Badcock for... almost everything in her house bought on Badcock credit which, apparently, she hasn't paid for. She's going to call them and ask them to come pick some of it up. Well... I don't get that. I mean.... just because they pick it up doesn't mean they are just going to stop charging you for it. You may get partial credit, but not full credit. And the whole mortgage thing.... I don't know. It makes my head spin. Which... comes into the picture here in a minute....

Add to all of this the fact that the Durango had $1,600 of unexpected repairs this month. But, by the Grace of God the family was spared any injury as a result of this, I am ever so grateful.

The kids.... well... we still have the same old thing going on here. Things that - because I don't blog every day I forget to tell you about. We bought one of those plastic toilet scrubber things for the downstairs toilet. The other day, the wand was just........ gone. ** POOF ** Gone. Where did it go?? Who the HECK knows. Called all the kids downstairs, nobody knows. Of course, nobody did it. I mean, it's a little while plastic pole.... you put the little scrubber thingy to clean the toilet on it -- what the HECK could they do with it?? Well, finally Justin shows up with it. It was in the upstairs closet with the towels. Why??? I dunno. He put it there.

Sigh.

Then there's the downstairs office. We bought a pegboard for Chris's office stuff with a box of about 30-40 push-pins. There are now 9 left. All the rest of them - gone. ** POOF ** Of course, NOBODY knows where they are. None of the kids claim to have taken even one of them.

All of this has caused me to feel not so well as of late. Yesterday, with the new office thing I was talking about earlier, caused me to feel really not well at work. While at work, I knew I was not well.

Although I know blood pressure is the "silent killer" (16 years in a medical office) I knew I was having symptoms that were probably related to high blood pressure. But - I don't usually HAVE high blood pressure.

At lunch I came home. My face was red/flushed. My arms had been tingling all day. I had chest tightness, but not as if I had an 'elephant sitting' on it as I've so often heard before, more like an ace bandage was wrapped around my arm and upper chest. Tightly. I had some shortness of breath. Nothing horrible, just didn't breathe too deep mostly because of the ace bandage that felt like it was gripping my chest and upper left arm.

At 5pm when I got off work, I thought I should run by the Fire Department and have my blood pressure checked. I thought... if it was fine - good. If it was horrible, I knew I should probably calm my butt down a little bit.

What he said caught me off guard: "Ma'am, your blood pressure is very high. Would you like me to transport you to the hospital?"

Did he just say "hospital"?

I stared at him for a minute trying to soak it in. "No, I just want to go home." He said "Your blood pressure is 180/100 and which is very high. Do you have high blood pressure?" I replied that I didn't have high blood pressure. Normally that is. He said I needed to do something. I assured him that I would call my doctor tomorrow if it didn't improve.

Later that night at bible study I was still not feeling well. I began to have a few sharp pains (which I still have not told Chris about, sorry hun) in my head. A few more pains in my chest. One of our fellow bible study friends is a Nurse Practitioner and I was talking to her about having gone to the fire department. She asked that I come to her house after bible study, let her check my BP again, and take a cuff home with me. I agreed.

My BP at her place was I think 176/110. I thought... the 176 is better, right? But in my heart, I knew the 110 was really not good.

The next few times I checked my BP it stayed about the same -- 180/110. So - this morning Chris took me to the doctors.

Chris - as if he didn't have enough to worry about with his dad, right? Sigh.......

Well, they did and EKG and I did NOT have a heart attack. They gave me some Clonopin or Clonodine or something like that - something that made me LOOPY and tired but brought my blood pressure down to about 150/86 before we left the doctors. That was good.

They also put me on a blood pressure medicine for a short-term treatment. Short term because they do think it's anxiety related. My pulse at the office was 113. High as well. They don't think that simple stress would have caused all the symptoms.... the high pulse, the chest tightness, the nausea (I had nausea at the doctors office), the arms/fingers tingling. So I'll stay on the meds for about 3 months and see how I do.

I have to run. Dinner just arrived and -- well -- frankly - I haven't eaten since Sunday and it's now Tuesday night. Sad, huh? Yeah, part of me not feeling well has apparently been lack of appetite. But Michelle just bought Chinese food and I LOVE Chinese food, especially when I'm not feeling well.

Please........................... keep us all in your prayers. Saying all I did above, I think you all know what to pray for. Pray for Doug. Pray for Chris. Pray for me. Thank you!

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In A Nutshell:

Here is a letter I sent to Dr. Phil which really sums everything up:
I am married to my high-school sweetheart (20 years this August), with two wonderful children (Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13). I have two sisters, both younger – I call them “my good sister” and “my bad sister”. My good sister is – well, good! Normal in every way. The bad one, Julie, has been in trouble since she was a kid. As a baby she cried all of the time. As a teenager she was in trouble all of the time. At the age of 14 or so I remember that she had run away from home to live with a grown man in Atlanta. This was one of many run a ways. As a teenager, she provided sexual favors to boys in school, as well as teachers. As a young adult she was arrested for prostitution. She’s done drugs ranging from marijuana to crack. She was diagnosed early on as bi-polar with personality disorder. She’s also a serious cutter to the point where she no longer hid the cuts. She’s cut things like “Ronald Cecchinni” into her arm… and “Fuck you Dr. XXX” on her stomach, in large letters. Julie is also a diagnosed sex-addict. She’s also recently (in the past year) begun ‘huffing’. (I honestly believe that this huffing has caused some permanent damage) She is currently 36yo.
Julie lost her husband Ron a year and a half ago as a result of Leukemia and Kidney Disease which the military attributed to his serving in the Gulf War. He left behind three children – Kayla who is now 15, Justin who is now 14 and Kayte who is now 13. Even when Julie was married, her psychiatric problems persisted. She has been hospitalized literally hundreds of times over the years. However, when her husband was alive, he would take care of the kids when Julie was mentally out of control. After Ron died, Julie lost control of the kids and her life. She began to spiral out of control, having pot parties at her home (to the point where the kids said a door would open and a cloud of smoke would come bellowing out of the room), smoking weed with her own kids, having sex all over the house with different men all the time, allowing young men (19 yo) to sleep over with her oldest daughter (only 14 at the time), and allowing Gang members to live in her home (she said she felt ‘safe’ with them there). In addition, she was attempting suicide daily, overdosing on medications hoping to not wake up the next morning. Mind you all of this while she was seeing her Psychologist every week and Psychiatrist once a month. Both of these Doctors knew what was going on at home, neither of them reported it to the proper authorities. I have even been told by one of them that he was told, by Julie, that she ‘heard voices telling her to hurt the children’ but that she was proud that she could ignore the voices. Still, these Doctors reported nothing.
I should add here that it was at some point in this period of time in Julie’s life when her children began suicide watches over their mom… each one taking turns to sit in a room with her at all hours (night and day) because their mom was less-likely to hurt herself while they were here. However, it didn’t always work – Julie constantly took pills in front of them trying to either dope herself up or overdose, and she would even cut herself in front of the kids.
Finally one day, she woke up furious that her last suicide attempt didn’t work. She got violent with her oldest daughter, police were called, and finally DCF was called. (I would like to add that we (other family members) had called DCF in the past to report things, but some of the cases were ‘unfounded’ and one other time the fled the state knowing CF only had jurisdiction in Florida.) DCF removed the children from the home in November 2005 and I gained custody of the Children shortly thereafter.
There are lots of things I could add here about my sister, DCF, and the horrible Foster Care or Custodial Care program we are involved with. However, that is not my main reason for writing to you.
Kayte, the youngest, seems to be adjusting pretty well. She has a tendency to trivialize what her mom has done and the seriousness of it, but I think that is normal given that it is her mom. Kayte was in counseling, but she feels it’s ‘a waste of time’.
Justin, the middle child, is okay. As a young boy I'm told he was a terror. He used to hit his mother and at one point (only 6yo) tried to jump off a building to kill himself. Since then, his anger has turned in to an endless smothering of love and caring. He does everything for his mom… from getting her whatever she needs to rubbing her feet and back. Justin has seen a psychiatrist since moving in with me who felt that his issues were brought on by trauma. It was also at that visit with the psychiatrist that he confided in myself and the Doctor that he had suicidal thoughts often while living at home with his mom in her ‘state of being’ after his dad died. However, since he moved in with me he has done so much better (and continues to improve daily) that she didn’t feel he even needed counseling at this time. He would, however, need counseling before he was reunited with his mom.
Kayla, the oldest, has serious issues. She is also currently in counseling but feels that it is ‘a waste of time’. Kayla has always lied and stolen things. Family members feel sorry for her because you can tell that she doesn’t really mean any ill will by it, but it’s been ‘the way she is’ for a very long time. By far her biggest problems are lying and her need for approval by men (young and old).
Since the kids have moved in with us, my husband and I have set up rules. The kids already had myspace accounts, so we set ground rules for it. 1) We needed the login names and passwords. 2) Profiles must be set to private. 3) The only people they were allowed to have on their friends list was people that they actually knew. When Kayla’s list climbed over 300, and she was found to have inappropriate conversations (wanting to sneak out and ‘hook up’ with young men), we made everyone cut their list down to 30 friends, which included myself. 4) All vulgar language and inappropriate photos would come off immediately and would be monitored by myself at any given time. At times, they try to put up ‘sexy’ pictures which immediately need to come down.
However recently I have found that she has multiple website things going on in an attempt to pick up young men. I'll outline a few here so that you understand the gravity of the situation: 1) I found her 'normal' myspace account set to 'public view'. She has over 11,000 profile views(meaning people looking at her pictures and wanting to know more about her). I had reset it to private many times, but she keeps going back and resetting it to public. 2) I have found another myspace account which she went by the name 'Shannon' and used it to pick up young men, tease them, then later tell them that she was 'taken' but refer them to her 'cousin, Kayla'. She'd then give them all of Kayla's information. Of course thiswas also set to public. 3) I have found another social network website that was like myspace in which she had ONLY men (mostly from other states) as her 'friends' whom she corresponded with. The emails back and forth basically said the same thing as all of the others... more on that in #4 - only these were guys that not only did she not know, but they were not even in the area! 4) All accounts that I have found had basically the same thing... her emailing guys wanting to know if she was pretty, if they wanted to 'hook up', talking about going to their 'crib' or meeting up with them somewhere, and constantly seeking approval and affirmation from these guys.
I believe she gets this from her mom. And the sad thing is, if you met her, you would love her. She is truly a GREAT kid… but she has serious issues. I’ve described to you Julie’s behavior and Kayla’s seems to be the same way. Neither can make decisions on their own that are ‘the right thing to do’, and both lack the understanding of simple values, morals and ethics. I could go into so many examples. How do I describe the utterly amazing difference between Julie’s parenting style and my own?
I know... Both Julie and I have myspace accounts set up to ‘monitor’ the kids. To illustrate the difference between Julie and myself, here is something that Julie and I both put on our myspace accounts. You are supposed to put something 'about yourself' by your picture. Here is mine: "I'm 38 years old. I have two amazing kids, Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13. I have great husband, Chris. I love to sing - and have been singing in Toast of Tampa Show Chorus for 10 years. I'm raising my nieces and nephew (12, 13 and 14). I love God and my family."And here is Julie's: "I am who I am and if you dont like me for me........FUCK YOU........ Plus if you dont like me for me....... Im gunna tell my kids and there gunna kick yer ass!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Here’s the other dilemma we are having; the two girls are in counseling that is costing me $25 EACH in co-payments every time they go. The State of Florida provides NO financial support to me as a relative caregiver, other than providing the three kids with Medicaid. They received small SSI checks because of their dad’s death, but it barely covers the food they consume. The DCF worker, having spoke with the girls and being told that therapy is ‘a waste of time’, has referred me to a clinic that DCF uses for cases such as this to seek mental care for Kayla (aswell as the others). However, the kids have TriCare as their primary insurance because their dad died from Military causes. TriCare requires the co-payment, regardless of the Medicaid secondary. Having said that, please understand that I worked in referrals in a primary care physician’s office for 16 years… I totally ‘get’ what is required for primary and secondary insurances and all the red tape. But because of the uniqueness of this situation, the kids are suffering!
I should also point out here that I have the kids for an indefinite period of time. Right now Julie is doing things that she has been told to do to get the kids back. However, she is still awaiting a court ordered detailed Psychiatric exam to determine if she can EVER parent again. Even if that Psychiatrist feels she can parent again, she’ll most likely need to be ‘clean’ and ‘episode-free’ for 6 months to a year minimum. In addition, Julie is only allowed supervised visits and one phone call a day. This came about because of her inappropriate behavior when she was with the kids and because when she was allowed to call any time she’d call 10 + times a day.
The other problem with Julie ever getting her children back is that… she doesn’t understand what she did wrong. She parents as if she were 15-years old herself. If anyone has ever done something bad and been able to ‘keep’ their kids, she sees no reason she can’t do it. She brought her daughter at the age of 13 in for a HUGE tattoo on the small of her back. It’s Tigger flipping ‘the bird’ with her gang name under it. She was also planning on getting a large tattoo on her 12yo before the kids were taken. Again, she sees nothing wrong with any of her past behavior.
So, you see, I could have these children for the rest of their teenage years. I honestly don’t know where to turn to get them the help they need.
I feel as if I am in a psychiatric nightmare and I just can’t wake up. Eight months ago I was at home, my biggest ‘kid worry’ was if my son was going to get good grades on his report card. Now I find myself in a crux worried about whether or not the lessons I teach them, this late in their young life, are going to be enough to turn these kids around and help them to be productive adults in the near future.

Tina's Daily Blog

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Hospice Called In For Doug

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