Tina's Daily Blog: One Of Those Days

Thursday, February 28, 2008

One Of Those Days

Ever have one of 'those days' when you just wish you could rewind the day, go back to bed, and try the whole day over again? Yeah.... Wednesday was one of those days.

Work was fine really. It was when I got home that the wheels kinda fell off.

Chris had gone to my sister Katie's house to replace a sink. The plan was that I was going to make dinner for my friend Michelle who was going to come over so Jonathan could help her with a PowerPoint presentation she had to do.

I ran to the grocery store after work to pick up something real quick. Michelle arrived at the house before me - the house was open: front door unlocked, garage door open - nobody home. Go figure. She let herself in, obviously.

Kayte was at a friends house and was supposed to be home by dark or 7, whichever came first.

Kayla was at night school, and usually doesn't get home from that until 9 or so.

Justin and Jonathan were out at a friends houses and were to be home at 6, which they both were. Jonathan helped Michelle with the PowerPoint, while I cooked dinner. Justin played X-Box. We waited for Kayte.

At 7, Kayte still hadn't shown up. It was her night to set the table, so I set it for her. By 7:20-ish I began to worry so I checked my cell phone and there was a text message from Kayte at 6:30 telling me that her friend was going to straighten her hair and she'd be at least 2 hours (home after 8:30) so her friend's mom would drive her home.

I promptly called her and told her that 1) we DID still have a home phone and it did work, she should CALL for things like this.
2) I explained that we had been sitting here waiting for her, table set, plate set for her, awaiting her to sit at the table to join us at any moment.

We had dinner, saving Kayte a plate for later. Justin walks into the dining room, Jonathan, Michelle and I sitting AT the table, set, food on the table, glasses, everything set - and Justin says "are we sitting at the table and eating?" Uh -- no Justin, we are not! What kind of question is that?

At dinner, Jonathan tells me that he lost his tie for Chorus. The Annual State Chorus Competition is on Friday and he needs a replacement tie before then. The school didn't have any extra ties - he's pretty sure he lost his when he went to Orlando with the chorus (he'd lose his head if it were not attached). I asked when he thought we were going to go find a tie, and why he was waiting until 7:45 on Wednesday night to tell me this. He said we could do it sometime between now and Friday morning.

I explained that 'sometime between now and Friday morning' was only now and Thursday.

Thursday we are SLAMMED. Chris and I have Choir and we are gearing up for Easter services. Additionally we are singing with a brand new praise team that we've never sung with and we have rehearsal with them Thursday night. Justin has a game at 6pm Thursday night. Kayla has to work. And Jonathan needs to go shopping for a tie WHEN???

I told him TODAY would have been the only day to go shopping if we were to have gone tie shopping. Michelle looked down at the time and said "we could go now". As it happened, I had a couple things to return to the mall - so we decided to head to the mall at 7:45 or so to rush to try to find a match for a chorus tie.

On the way, I get a text message from my daughter telling me that she is at the Olive Garden with her husband. At this point, Michelle and I are in the car driving with Jonathan and we are just in a firm parental kind of mode - but in a weird frame of mind. We were just -- frantic -- as we hadn't stopped -- it was just FRANTIC all night thus far. Everything was just KID emergency after KID drama pretty much all night. Then I did something I regret terribly. I left my daughter a voice mail -- a bad voice mail. Horrible. I was kidding... But she and Gene didn't take it that way... And it sure wasn't funny. I was telling them they better not spend all their tax money and not have enough to move to Tampa. Bad BAD mom stuff. Interfering mom stuff. I'm still kicking myself... I don't know what I was thinking. Sometimes my sense of humor is perfect. Other times it gets me into horrible trouble. This is one of those times. Amanda - Gene - I'm so sorry. :o(

We get to the mall - we have to go to two stores - but we find a tie that looks almost identical to the tie he needs. Not an exact match, but close enough - I hope. Twenty three dollars. Great.

We get home. Kayte has finally made it home. She wants to talk to me. Up in her room. When they want to talk to me 'up in the room, it's never good.

We talk - she just wants to tell me that she has a new/old boyfriend. There is a guy she broke up with for not treating her right and she's decided to give him another chance. Actually, this is his third chance, but who's counting. But... She says... "he has a CAR".

She wanted to know if she could go to his house for dinner on Thursday night. I told her that wasn't a good idea - Thursday was a really bad night for us (see above)- plus I wanted to shake this guys hand and meet him under MY roof again first, before he took my innocent sweet little niece out and broke her heart again. :o)

We invited him to our house for dinner on Friday night - we already have Justin's new girlfriend coming over for dinner, so might as well have it be 'meet the new boy/girl friend' night at the Rhocchini house. But Kayte's boyfriend can't come - so it'll have to be some other time I suppose.

Michelle and I JUST sit down on the sofa when Chris walks in the door. Yeah! Now we can watch American Idol! I tell the kids it's time for bed - but Kayla has just walked in the door.

It's probably 45 degrees outside and Kayla walks in and I swear to God, she looks like she is wearing clothes that would fit a 5 year old. TINY shirt and SHORT yellow shorts. Not too short, but when you consider the weather - OMG!

Today was a big ROTC day and she had to wear a uniform all day. She didn't want to wear her uniform to night school, so she borrowed someone's clothes for night school tonight.

As we are hugging her goodnight we realize her friend - or someone in her friends family SMOKES. EWW. We have 'the talk' with Kayla about how she needs to stay away from smokers - she understands. She's really growing up, maturing so much. Night school. Working. Honor roll. Amazing!

So, she heads off to bed and FINALLY we can watch American Idol.

Michelle glances over at me and I know that look. That she almost can't believe the chaos that can happen in this house unless you are knee deep in it - living it - experiencing it. It's so difficult to explain. Even trying to type it out... It's hard to get the loudness... The phone calls that never stop... The silly questions that come up... The yelling in the house... Things breaking. She and I often talk about a year and a half ago when she was living up in Connecticut. She'd read the blog and think "No way could all that REALLY happen. She has to be making some of that up." And then she moved down here. And the witnessing began. And we've laughed about it ever since.

But you know... I also realize that the kids are happy, healthy, and growing up in a safe and healthy environment. They go to Church. We pray and thank God for our many blessings. We know that we are raising these kids to a wonderful life AFTER our house - to go on to college and live healthy adult lives of their own. They are SO in the RIGHT PLACE.

God is good. His plan is perfect. His blessings abundant. His graces abound. And I stand amazed, every day.

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In A Nutshell:

Here is a letter I sent to Dr. Phil which really sums everything up:
I am married to my high-school sweetheart (20 years this August), with two wonderful children (Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13). I have two sisters, both younger – I call them “my good sister” and “my bad sister”. My good sister is – well, good! Normal in every way. The bad one, Julie, has been in trouble since she was a kid. As a baby she cried all of the time. As a teenager she was in trouble all of the time. At the age of 14 or so I remember that she had run away from home to live with a grown man in Atlanta. This was one of many run a ways. As a teenager, she provided sexual favors to boys in school, as well as teachers. As a young adult she was arrested for prostitution. She’s done drugs ranging from marijuana to crack. She was diagnosed early on as bi-polar with personality disorder. She’s also a serious cutter to the point where she no longer hid the cuts. She’s cut things like “Ronald Cecchinni” into her arm… and “Fuck you Dr. XXX” on her stomach, in large letters. Julie is also a diagnosed sex-addict. She’s also recently (in the past year) begun ‘huffing’. (I honestly believe that this huffing has caused some permanent damage) She is currently 36yo.
Julie lost her husband Ron a year and a half ago as a result of Leukemia and Kidney Disease which the military attributed to his serving in the Gulf War. He left behind three children – Kayla who is now 15, Justin who is now 14 and Kayte who is now 13. Even when Julie was married, her psychiatric problems persisted. She has been hospitalized literally hundreds of times over the years. However, when her husband was alive, he would take care of the kids when Julie was mentally out of control. After Ron died, Julie lost control of the kids and her life. She began to spiral out of control, having pot parties at her home (to the point where the kids said a door would open and a cloud of smoke would come bellowing out of the room), smoking weed with her own kids, having sex all over the house with different men all the time, allowing young men (19 yo) to sleep over with her oldest daughter (only 14 at the time), and allowing Gang members to live in her home (she said she felt ‘safe’ with them there). In addition, she was attempting suicide daily, overdosing on medications hoping to not wake up the next morning. Mind you all of this while she was seeing her Psychologist every week and Psychiatrist once a month. Both of these Doctors knew what was going on at home, neither of them reported it to the proper authorities. I have even been told by one of them that he was told, by Julie, that she ‘heard voices telling her to hurt the children’ but that she was proud that she could ignore the voices. Still, these Doctors reported nothing.
I should add here that it was at some point in this period of time in Julie’s life when her children began suicide watches over their mom… each one taking turns to sit in a room with her at all hours (night and day) because their mom was less-likely to hurt herself while they were here. However, it didn’t always work – Julie constantly took pills in front of them trying to either dope herself up or overdose, and she would even cut herself in front of the kids.
Finally one day, she woke up furious that her last suicide attempt didn’t work. She got violent with her oldest daughter, police were called, and finally DCF was called. (I would like to add that we (other family members) had called DCF in the past to report things, but some of the cases were ‘unfounded’ and one other time the fled the state knowing CF only had jurisdiction in Florida.) DCF removed the children from the home in November 2005 and I gained custody of the Children shortly thereafter.
There are lots of things I could add here about my sister, DCF, and the horrible Foster Care or Custodial Care program we are involved with. However, that is not my main reason for writing to you.
Kayte, the youngest, seems to be adjusting pretty well. She has a tendency to trivialize what her mom has done and the seriousness of it, but I think that is normal given that it is her mom. Kayte was in counseling, but she feels it’s ‘a waste of time’.
Justin, the middle child, is okay. As a young boy I'm told he was a terror. He used to hit his mother and at one point (only 6yo) tried to jump off a building to kill himself. Since then, his anger has turned in to an endless smothering of love and caring. He does everything for his mom… from getting her whatever she needs to rubbing her feet and back. Justin has seen a psychiatrist since moving in with me who felt that his issues were brought on by trauma. It was also at that visit with the psychiatrist that he confided in myself and the Doctor that he had suicidal thoughts often while living at home with his mom in her ‘state of being’ after his dad died. However, since he moved in with me he has done so much better (and continues to improve daily) that she didn’t feel he even needed counseling at this time. He would, however, need counseling before he was reunited with his mom.
Kayla, the oldest, has serious issues. She is also currently in counseling but feels that it is ‘a waste of time’. Kayla has always lied and stolen things. Family members feel sorry for her because you can tell that she doesn’t really mean any ill will by it, but it’s been ‘the way she is’ for a very long time. By far her biggest problems are lying and her need for approval by men (young and old).
Since the kids have moved in with us, my husband and I have set up rules. The kids already had myspace accounts, so we set ground rules for it. 1) We needed the login names and passwords. 2) Profiles must be set to private. 3) The only people they were allowed to have on their friends list was people that they actually knew. When Kayla’s list climbed over 300, and she was found to have inappropriate conversations (wanting to sneak out and ‘hook up’ with young men), we made everyone cut their list down to 30 friends, which included myself. 4) All vulgar language and inappropriate photos would come off immediately and would be monitored by myself at any given time. At times, they try to put up ‘sexy’ pictures which immediately need to come down.
However recently I have found that she has multiple website things going on in an attempt to pick up young men. I'll outline a few here so that you understand the gravity of the situation: 1) I found her 'normal' myspace account set to 'public view'. She has over 11,000 profile views(meaning people looking at her pictures and wanting to know more about her). I had reset it to private many times, but she keeps going back and resetting it to public. 2) I have found another myspace account which she went by the name 'Shannon' and used it to pick up young men, tease them, then later tell them that she was 'taken' but refer them to her 'cousin, Kayla'. She'd then give them all of Kayla's information. Of course thiswas also set to public. 3) I have found another social network website that was like myspace in which she had ONLY men (mostly from other states) as her 'friends' whom she corresponded with. The emails back and forth basically said the same thing as all of the others... more on that in #4 - only these were guys that not only did she not know, but they were not even in the area! 4) All accounts that I have found had basically the same thing... her emailing guys wanting to know if she was pretty, if they wanted to 'hook up', talking about going to their 'crib' or meeting up with them somewhere, and constantly seeking approval and affirmation from these guys.
I believe she gets this from her mom. And the sad thing is, if you met her, you would love her. She is truly a GREAT kid… but she has serious issues. I’ve described to you Julie’s behavior and Kayla’s seems to be the same way. Neither can make decisions on their own that are ‘the right thing to do’, and both lack the understanding of simple values, morals and ethics. I could go into so many examples. How do I describe the utterly amazing difference between Julie’s parenting style and my own?
I know... Both Julie and I have myspace accounts set up to ‘monitor’ the kids. To illustrate the difference between Julie and myself, here is something that Julie and I both put on our myspace accounts. You are supposed to put something 'about yourself' by your picture. Here is mine: "I'm 38 years old. I have two amazing kids, Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13. I have great husband, Chris. I love to sing - and have been singing in Toast of Tampa Show Chorus for 10 years. I'm raising my nieces and nephew (12, 13 and 14). I love God and my family."And here is Julie's: "I am who I am and if you dont like me for me........FUCK YOU........ Plus if you dont like me for me....... Im gunna tell my kids and there gunna kick yer ass!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Here’s the other dilemma we are having; the two girls are in counseling that is costing me $25 EACH in co-payments every time they go. The State of Florida provides NO financial support to me as a relative caregiver, other than providing the three kids with Medicaid. They received small SSI checks because of their dad’s death, but it barely covers the food they consume. The DCF worker, having spoke with the girls and being told that therapy is ‘a waste of time’, has referred me to a clinic that DCF uses for cases such as this to seek mental care for Kayla (aswell as the others). However, the kids have TriCare as their primary insurance because their dad died from Military causes. TriCare requires the co-payment, regardless of the Medicaid secondary. Having said that, please understand that I worked in referrals in a primary care physician’s office for 16 years… I totally ‘get’ what is required for primary and secondary insurances and all the red tape. But because of the uniqueness of this situation, the kids are suffering!
I should also point out here that I have the kids for an indefinite period of time. Right now Julie is doing things that she has been told to do to get the kids back. However, she is still awaiting a court ordered detailed Psychiatric exam to determine if she can EVER parent again. Even if that Psychiatrist feels she can parent again, she’ll most likely need to be ‘clean’ and ‘episode-free’ for 6 months to a year minimum. In addition, Julie is only allowed supervised visits and one phone call a day. This came about because of her inappropriate behavior when she was with the kids and because when she was allowed to call any time she’d call 10 + times a day.
The other problem with Julie ever getting her children back is that… she doesn’t understand what she did wrong. She parents as if she were 15-years old herself. If anyone has ever done something bad and been able to ‘keep’ their kids, she sees no reason she can’t do it. She brought her daughter at the age of 13 in for a HUGE tattoo on the small of her back. It’s Tigger flipping ‘the bird’ with her gang name under it. She was also planning on getting a large tattoo on her 12yo before the kids were taken. Again, she sees nothing wrong with any of her past behavior.
So, you see, I could have these children for the rest of their teenage years. I honestly don’t know where to turn to get them the help they need.
I feel as if I am in a psychiatric nightmare and I just can’t wake up. Eight months ago I was at home, my biggest ‘kid worry’ was if my son was going to get good grades on his report card. Now I find myself in a crux worried about whether or not the lessons I teach them, this late in their young life, are going to be enough to turn these kids around and help them to be productive adults in the near future.

Tina's Daily Blog

Thursday, February 28, 2008

One Of Those Days

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