Tina's Daily Blog: Faithless or Afraid?

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Faithless or Afraid?

First - the good news. Kayla's blood test came back. She is allergic to cats, dogs and scallops. Odd - I know. She has NO symptoms of allergies what-so-ever. Just a random blood test that came in showing an abnormality which pointed us in a direction that eventually told us that. Weird. But a blessing that it wasn't something else - for sure!

Julie had me mad as hell about it. Came in on Sunday saying that Arthur said that Leukemia "runs in his family". Well - gee, I'm sorry to hear that, but what does that have to do with us? Well, since he thinks he's Kayla's father, it's important. Oh, and Kayla believes he's her father too. Forget the fact that the freaking PATERNITY TEST said he wasn't. I mean, I can really want to be a car... sit in my garage for YEARS... but it doesn't make me a car.

I told Julie that if Arthur said one flipping word to Kayla on Sunday about his 'family history' I would go nuts. I mean, seriously - I wouldn't let the kids go with Julie anymore. If I can't trust her to keep them physically AND mentally safe - then so be it. (Oh because Arthur is at Julie's house all the time now, apparently.)

Then I told Julie that - if Arthur was so 'worried' - he should do the 'fatherly thing' for once in his life. Go out and get - yet another - paternity test. Go ahead and prove that he IS her father. Because - ya know what? IF he is indeed her father, there are lots of 'family history' type questions she NEEDS answered. But, he doesn't want to do that. Ya know why? Because 1) he knows he's really not her father and he'd rather just say it and believe what he's saying than have yet another test to prove it wrong and 2) he can't afford the test anyways because he's a slacker who mooches off people - no job, no money. But - hey -- if I'm wrong, I'm wrong -- go on and do it! Because the one person who would totally and completely benefit from the information is Kayla. And the only person he hurts with his constant lies is the same. So - just do it.

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The other reason I haven't blogged this week. -- sigh --

I've seemed to have lost my faith.

My job is to go part-time in January 2009. At the very best I'm looking at staying at the same job with a much longer commute to work (40 minutes vs 1.5 miles I currently drive one way) and less hours and a lot less money. I am the only one with a 'dependable' paycheck... Chris owns his own business and it's up and down much of the time. Simply put -- we can not pay the bills and live in our home on what I'd make when they cut me to part time.

Which leaves me looking for other work. Have you read the newspapers? Yeah... everyone else is looking for work as well. It's a HORRIBLE time to be looking for a job.

I'm terrified.

I'm upset.

I'm...... scared.

I used to have faith that God would have a purpose for this change. A reason. He led me to this job, He would have a reason for sending me somewhere else. That there would be something wonderful... and I couldn't wait to see what it was. But - now - I can't pick up a paper or open CNN or any news vendor site without seeing it plastered everywhere. Everyone is looking for jobs and nobody can find work. What little jobs there are are not paying well.

Then you talk to people who think they are helping by telling you that they know how you feel because they know so many people who are just like you. A friend of theirs has been trying to find a job for 6 months now and still can't find anything. A manager passing out her Resume on Waters and Dale Mabry. It doesn't really help -- I know all this already and it just makes me MORE afraid.

But, ya know... I wonder really if it's that I've lost my faith or that I'm afraid to rely on my faith.

I went to chorus rehearsal last night and passed my final part of the audition process. The only thing I have left to do is pay money to become a member. $40 a month, plus pay my international and regional dues... at a time like THIS? Really??

But then ~ deep inside ~ I feel this voice that tells me to have faith. FAITH?! Faith that things really will be okay.

But if I DO have faith that things will be okay - and I fall flat on my face and come Jan 2009 I either have a job that pays HALF of what I make now and we have the electricity and water shut off in Feb of 09 and begin to lose everything shortly thereafter.... am I just a person who relied on faith too much?

Or am I afraid of being a faithful person?

I don't know. I just know I want to go to sleep and wake up in a few months. After the elections - when the economy is beginning to right itself - when I know something more about my job.

But it's now dinner time and I've got to start dinner. I don't even have time to go fishing for a quote or something profound.

Please pray for me. Pray for me to find my faith. To not be afraid.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...: Okay, okay, I'm not going to tell you that everything will be okay, but what I will tell you is that IF you are feeling that fear and are afraid, it's not the work of the Lord, it's the Devil trying to get in. Don't let him do it... You are stronger than that and you are a faithful person. Even though you don't think you are, you are. You are from good and faithful stock and are a strong woman. I remember when I was going through the divorce back in 86, and I didn't have 2 dimes to rub together I started receiving these letters in the mail (this was before e-mail) They were from a "Friend" and the letters were very positive and told me to hang in there that God loved me and that my friends were with me. Some of the letters had a $20.00 or a $10.00 bill in them telling me to take the kids out for an ice cream. For years I never knew who sent them, but I kind of thought it was someone in the church who knew me pretty well. I questioned it, but thought how wonderful that this person is kind enough to send me such wonderful words of encouragement. Imagine my surprise when a few years ago I found out that that someone was someone very close to me YOU.... I was totally blown away by your act of kindness and I will never forget what you did for me. You helped me when I thought my world was over. It wasn't, and I am the person I am today today because of what happened to me during the divorce. Right now you aren't thinking straight because if you were you you would know that HE never ever leaves you and is w/you even when you think that you are alone. I truly believe that the good things we learn in life aren't from the easy things that happen, they are from the rough times that we have. Hang in there, better days are comming. I know, I've been there. I will always love you and want you to know that you made my world a better place when you helped me and I hope is some small way that these words of encouragement will help you to cope.
Love,
Mom; 8:43 PM
Tina said...: Oh my goodness... now I am crying my eyes out! Thanks for the uplifting words mom. I love you. Keep praying.; 8:52 PM

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In A Nutshell:

Here is a letter I sent to Dr. Phil which really sums everything up:
I am married to my high-school sweetheart (20 years this August), with two wonderful children (Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13). I have two sisters, both younger – I call them “my good sister” and “my bad sister”. My good sister is – well, good! Normal in every way. The bad one, Julie, has been in trouble since she was a kid. As a baby she cried all of the time. As a teenager she was in trouble all of the time. At the age of 14 or so I remember that she had run away from home to live with a grown man in Atlanta. This was one of many run a ways. As a teenager, she provided sexual favors to boys in school, as well as teachers. As a young adult she was arrested for prostitution. She’s done drugs ranging from marijuana to crack. She was diagnosed early on as bi-polar with personality disorder. She’s also a serious cutter to the point where she no longer hid the cuts. She’s cut things like “Ronald Cecchinni” into her arm… and “Fuck you Dr. XXX” on her stomach, in large letters. Julie is also a diagnosed sex-addict. She’s also recently (in the past year) begun ‘huffing’. (I honestly believe that this huffing has caused some permanent damage) She is currently 36yo.
Julie lost her husband Ron a year and a half ago as a result of Leukemia and Kidney Disease which the military attributed to his serving in the Gulf War. He left behind three children – Kayla who is now 15, Justin who is now 14 and Kayte who is now 13. Even when Julie was married, her psychiatric problems persisted. She has been hospitalized literally hundreds of times over the years. However, when her husband was alive, he would take care of the kids when Julie was mentally out of control. After Ron died, Julie lost control of the kids and her life. She began to spiral out of control, having pot parties at her home (to the point where the kids said a door would open and a cloud of smoke would come bellowing out of the room), smoking weed with her own kids, having sex all over the house with different men all the time, allowing young men (19 yo) to sleep over with her oldest daughter (only 14 at the time), and allowing Gang members to live in her home (she said she felt ‘safe’ with them there). In addition, she was attempting suicide daily, overdosing on medications hoping to not wake up the next morning. Mind you all of this while she was seeing her Psychologist every week and Psychiatrist once a month. Both of these Doctors knew what was going on at home, neither of them reported it to the proper authorities. I have even been told by one of them that he was told, by Julie, that she ‘heard voices telling her to hurt the children’ but that she was proud that she could ignore the voices. Still, these Doctors reported nothing.
I should add here that it was at some point in this period of time in Julie’s life when her children began suicide watches over their mom… each one taking turns to sit in a room with her at all hours (night and day) because their mom was less-likely to hurt herself while they were here. However, it didn’t always work – Julie constantly took pills in front of them trying to either dope herself up or overdose, and she would even cut herself in front of the kids.
Finally one day, she woke up furious that her last suicide attempt didn’t work. She got violent with her oldest daughter, police were called, and finally DCF was called. (I would like to add that we (other family members) had called DCF in the past to report things, but some of the cases were ‘unfounded’ and one other time the fled the state knowing CF only had jurisdiction in Florida.) DCF removed the children from the home in November 2005 and I gained custody of the Children shortly thereafter.
There are lots of things I could add here about my sister, DCF, and the horrible Foster Care or Custodial Care program we are involved with. However, that is not my main reason for writing to you.
Kayte, the youngest, seems to be adjusting pretty well. She has a tendency to trivialize what her mom has done and the seriousness of it, but I think that is normal given that it is her mom. Kayte was in counseling, but she feels it’s ‘a waste of time’.
Justin, the middle child, is okay. As a young boy I'm told he was a terror. He used to hit his mother and at one point (only 6yo) tried to jump off a building to kill himself. Since then, his anger has turned in to an endless smothering of love and caring. He does everything for his mom… from getting her whatever she needs to rubbing her feet and back. Justin has seen a psychiatrist since moving in with me who felt that his issues were brought on by trauma. It was also at that visit with the psychiatrist that he confided in myself and the Doctor that he had suicidal thoughts often while living at home with his mom in her ‘state of being’ after his dad died. However, since he moved in with me he has done so much better (and continues to improve daily) that she didn’t feel he even needed counseling at this time. He would, however, need counseling before he was reunited with his mom.
Kayla, the oldest, has serious issues. She is also currently in counseling but feels that it is ‘a waste of time’. Kayla has always lied and stolen things. Family members feel sorry for her because you can tell that she doesn’t really mean any ill will by it, but it’s been ‘the way she is’ for a very long time. By far her biggest problems are lying and her need for approval by men (young and old).
Since the kids have moved in with us, my husband and I have set up rules. The kids already had myspace accounts, so we set ground rules for it. 1) We needed the login names and passwords. 2) Profiles must be set to private. 3) The only people they were allowed to have on their friends list was people that they actually knew. When Kayla’s list climbed over 300, and she was found to have inappropriate conversations (wanting to sneak out and ‘hook up’ with young men), we made everyone cut their list down to 30 friends, which included myself. 4) All vulgar language and inappropriate photos would come off immediately and would be monitored by myself at any given time. At times, they try to put up ‘sexy’ pictures which immediately need to come down.
However recently I have found that she has multiple website things going on in an attempt to pick up young men. I'll outline a few here so that you understand the gravity of the situation: 1) I found her 'normal' myspace account set to 'public view'. She has over 11,000 profile views(meaning people looking at her pictures and wanting to know more about her). I had reset it to private many times, but she keeps going back and resetting it to public. 2) I have found another myspace account which she went by the name 'Shannon' and used it to pick up young men, tease them, then later tell them that she was 'taken' but refer them to her 'cousin, Kayla'. She'd then give them all of Kayla's information. Of course thiswas also set to public. 3) I have found another social network website that was like myspace in which she had ONLY men (mostly from other states) as her 'friends' whom she corresponded with. The emails back and forth basically said the same thing as all of the others... more on that in #4 - only these were guys that not only did she not know, but they were not even in the area! 4) All accounts that I have found had basically the same thing... her emailing guys wanting to know if she was pretty, if they wanted to 'hook up', talking about going to their 'crib' or meeting up with them somewhere, and constantly seeking approval and affirmation from these guys.
I believe she gets this from her mom. And the sad thing is, if you met her, you would love her. She is truly a GREAT kid… but she has serious issues. I’ve described to you Julie’s behavior and Kayla’s seems to be the same way. Neither can make decisions on their own that are ‘the right thing to do’, and both lack the understanding of simple values, morals and ethics. I could go into so many examples. How do I describe the utterly amazing difference between Julie’s parenting style and my own?
I know... Both Julie and I have myspace accounts set up to ‘monitor’ the kids. To illustrate the difference between Julie and myself, here is something that Julie and I both put on our myspace accounts. You are supposed to put something 'about yourself' by your picture. Here is mine: "I'm 38 years old. I have two amazing kids, Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13. I have great husband, Chris. I love to sing - and have been singing in Toast of Tampa Show Chorus for 10 years. I'm raising my nieces and nephew (12, 13 and 14). I love God and my family."And here is Julie's: "I am who I am and if you dont like me for me........FUCK YOU........ Plus if you dont like me for me....... Im gunna tell my kids and there gunna kick yer ass!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Here’s the other dilemma we are having; the two girls are in counseling that is costing me $25 EACH in co-payments every time they go. The State of Florida provides NO financial support to me as a relative caregiver, other than providing the three kids with Medicaid. They received small SSI checks because of their dad’s death, but it barely covers the food they consume. The DCF worker, having spoke with the girls and being told that therapy is ‘a waste of time’, has referred me to a clinic that DCF uses for cases such as this to seek mental care for Kayla (aswell as the others). However, the kids have TriCare as their primary insurance because their dad died from Military causes. TriCare requires the co-payment, regardless of the Medicaid secondary. Having said that, please understand that I worked in referrals in a primary care physician’s office for 16 years… I totally ‘get’ what is required for primary and secondary insurances and all the red tape. But because of the uniqueness of this situation, the kids are suffering!
I should also point out here that I have the kids for an indefinite period of time. Right now Julie is doing things that she has been told to do to get the kids back. However, she is still awaiting a court ordered detailed Psychiatric exam to determine if she can EVER parent again. Even if that Psychiatrist feels she can parent again, she’ll most likely need to be ‘clean’ and ‘episode-free’ for 6 months to a year minimum. In addition, Julie is only allowed supervised visits and one phone call a day. This came about because of her inappropriate behavior when she was with the kids and because when she was allowed to call any time she’d call 10 + times a day.
The other problem with Julie ever getting her children back is that… she doesn’t understand what she did wrong. She parents as if she were 15-years old herself. If anyone has ever done something bad and been able to ‘keep’ their kids, she sees no reason she can’t do it. She brought her daughter at the age of 13 in for a HUGE tattoo on the small of her back. It’s Tigger flipping ‘the bird’ with her gang name under it. She was also planning on getting a large tattoo on her 12yo before the kids were taken. Again, she sees nothing wrong with any of her past behavior.
So, you see, I could have these children for the rest of their teenage years. I honestly don’t know where to turn to get them the help they need.
I feel as if I am in a psychiatric nightmare and I just can’t wake up. Eight months ago I was at home, my biggest ‘kid worry’ was if my son was going to get good grades on his report card. Now I find myself in a crux worried about whether or not the lessons I teach them, this late in their young life, are going to be enough to turn these kids around and help them to be productive adults in the near future.

Tina's Daily Blog

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Faithless or Afraid?

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