Tina's Story With the Kids

I thought I would start keeping a blog to let everyone know what it's like with all these kids in my house. I know... I know... others have 4 kids at home with no problems. Well, when three of them come to you as Teenagers and with problems, it's not that simple.

Julie has always had mental/psychological problems. She met and married Ron and she did --- okay. She was not totally healed while he was alive by any means, but he kept her stable enough to try to raise the family. When she went into the hospital, he'd watch the kids. Julie still did things while he was alive demonstrating that she still had mental illness - from manic/depressive episodes to lying about being raped so that the Air Force would send him home early (he was overseas). [I'm not saying this to try to hurt Julie, I think it's important you understand her state of mind] There was also the cutting (self mutilation) which she did on a regular basis.

About a year and a half ago, Ron died. Apparently, the Gulf War gave him Leukemia and a Kidney Disease. This was hard on everyone, in particular the kids. Julie would have men over the house (several times living with her) because "she had needs" (meaning, she wanted the sex/love). I imagine this was very hard on the kids as well. Throughout the year she began giving away Ron's things to these men - which I now find out - really traumatized the kids.

I'm not sure exactly when Julie's life began to spiral out of control - but - by November 2005 she had very bad people living with her at her house. She smoked pot daily. She took her meds however she wanted to (overdosing all the time). She was 'huffing'. The guys living there were young and in a Gang. Julie said she didn't mind this because 'she felt safe' with them there. Safe. That's pretty funny I think. Anyways - sometime in November, I got a call that Kayla had run away because her mom went bazerk and hit her. I was told the police were called, and I immediately drove over to her house. What I saw when I got there was surreal. Julie inside screaming at everyone. She wouldn't even allow me to step on her property (as if I had done anything wrong to her at this point!) This young Gang kid outside yelling at me, telling me he was going to kill me. Even the police were upset by everything going on there. Apparently - Julie had overdosed the night before - hoping to die. She woke up and was 1) pissed off to be alive and 2) pissed off because she had no pot in the house. I don't belive that she 'beat' Kayla, but I am positive she got physical with her. The police took Julie away and were going to call the Department of Children and Families (DCF), but I offered to take the kids with me. This was about midnight- and believe it or not - Julie was out of the hospital before noon the next day. Yep, less than 12 hours. She picked up the kids, and I was very upset about this.

The next day, DCF came to Julie's house. They made it very clear to her what had to happen in her house so that they would not take the kids. Tip of the iceberg: she had to get clean, the guys living there had to move out, she had to take her meds as prescribed. At the follow-up visit, none of this had happened, and she had cut herself and taken meds wrong and the guy had not yet moved out - so they took the kids. Again, I offered to take them in my home as I just couldn't see them going into foster care.

The following days were very difficult. Julie called all the time - and she was pissed about (you'll love this) money. See, Ron had death benefits for the kids. DCF had informed Julie that - wherever the kids went, so did their money. Julie was furious. She kept calling saying she couldn't 'make it' without her kids... but she was referring to 'making it' financially. Now she is better about it, thank goodness. I get the kids money, and out of that money (and the kindness of my heart) I pay her mortgage. She made the mistake of telling me last month that it was 'late' (paid on the day she gave me the month and the bill amount)... I told her that I am a month behind on my mortgage so she better keep her damn mouth shut and be thankful. And, she has been very nice about it since then.

So... that's the history of the kids coming to me. Just to say it 'out loud' here - I have heard horror stories from these kids about their life. Kayla and Kayte have shared with me stories of being out at 3am walking the streets (one time being grabbed by a stranger, but was able to break free). They tell me about how they had to be home with Julie's bedroom door open so that one kid could always keep an eye on her so she wouldn't kill herself. This sometimes worked, but they have also shared stories with me of Julie cutting herself in front of them and overdosing in front of them. I have read - from Kayla's own handwriting - that Kayla was allowed to sleep with the young Gang guy every night (she would 'fall asleep in his arms every night'). I have heard stories about Julie getting high with Kayla. I have found out that all three of them have smoked pot. (Youngest is 12). Julie herself has told me that she's not getting Kayla on the birth control pill because she's 'ready to be a grandma' and Kayla getting pregnant would be good. Heck, Julie says, Kayla is now older than Ron's mom was anyways when she got pregnant with Ron. Yeah, that makes tons of sense.

It's funny though - the longer the kids are away from Mom, the more they think that their life before was "normal". I know the kids love the structure of living with us, but hate the rules. In particular, the girls are the worst at following rules and listening to us. An example of not listening: Last night I told Kayte to go upstairs and clean her room - three times I told her. I go upstairs to check an hour and a half later, she's laying on the bed - room totally a mess. Her reply when I asked "You told me to clean my room????" She then said she'd do it, but continued to lay on the bed. You see, Kayla is the 'cleaner' person in the family and Kayte wanted her to do it and I'm getting sick and tired of Kayte not pulling her weight here at the house. (She is horrible at doing her own chores as well) I said, Kayte, do it now. She replied (still vertical) okay, and continued to lay there. I yelled at her, telling her that I was sick of it - sick of her relying on Kayla to clean up after HER - I was fed up with telling her to do something several times only to have her lie and say she never heard it. But, I think I'm going to have to continue to yell at her to get her to do what she needs to do in our house. Then there's the rule breaking: They told me that their friend's mom (whom I've met) was going to drive them to the mall and home. Long story very short, they lied about that. I'm still not sure which story to believe about how they got home. In an email they wrote that they had walked home from the mall (a good 5 miles) - in their last story to us (after multiple lies) they were driven to a McDonalds and they walked home from there (about 2 miles). We put them on restriction - no internet and no phones. (Oooo.. the internet, we'll have to remember to talk about that later!) Of course, it wasn't long until they were caught -- they went over a friends house and got on her computer -- AND -- they were on our computers at home. Now they can have no friends over and they can not go to any friends houses... we just can't trust them. UGG

I have asked Mom and Katie to help by taking the kids out once in a while, and giving Chris and I some 'down time'. Our morning starts off at 7am with kids getting ready for school. I'm out the door by 7:30 and Chris sees them off to school at 8:30. They get home at 4:30 (Chris is usually home by then) and I'm home at 5. They work on homework until it's done and Chris and I do what we can to help them. We have to see and check their homework, and sign their planners for the day. Sometime around here it's also time to talk to them about their daily phone call. You see, the 3 of them have talking problems - and the two girls have horrible attitude problems, which have resulted in a daily phone call from the school. Then it's time to start dinner (which, btw, feeding a family of 7 is horrible!). One of the kids sets the table, we eat, one of the kids clears the table. The kids usually play basketball and/or jump on the trampoline until it's time to come in for bed. Unless they are off restriction - in which case Kayla and Kayte would be on the computer all the time. The kids bedtime is 10, but we have to start 'getting them ready' closer to 9. (Getting them ready as in, constant nagging to get chores done, pick up after themselves, schoolwork toether, etc) So they have a pretty set schedule at our house, but for Chris and I it's just constant nagging to get anything done.

And speaking of the nagging, that is - by far - my biggest complaint with these kids. It doesn't occur to them that their clothes all over the kitchen floor might be a hazard to my father-in-law (lives with us after his stroke and barely gets around as it is) - nor that it's an eyesore. It doesn't occur to them when they take off their shoes that they need to be someplace other than wherever they took them off. Same with their clothes/jackets. When they eat something, to put the bowl in the dishwasher. Just... general 'picking up after yourself' stuff... these kids don't get. And... it drives me INSANE. I'm not the kind of person who is happy cleaning up after people - I want them to do it themselves, but I want to not have to yell or ask it 3 times for it to happen. Ooo... and the yelling- - that really doesn't ever happen because, if something is left out -- (example: in the morning there are 3 cereal bowls on the counter) - I can ask everyone who did it. Suddenly... nobody had breakfast. It drives me INSANE.

Okay, on to more serious stuff. The thing is - the new DCF lady, Karen - keeps telling me that she can't imagine Julie will ever get to have the kids back. She told me she has never seen a mom with so many problems before. Yet, Julie thinks she's doing great. The kids think they are going home in 6 months. Julie said Karen told her that she was doing great. Mom called and spoke with Karen as well and was told the same thing I was - which leads me to believe that Julie is hearing what she wants to hear. This is going to be more and more difficult down the road I'm sure.

I have an appointment with Julie's therapist on Thursday - I'll be going with her. This should prove to be fun... cross your fingers. Oh, and - so far today - no call from the kids school. Cross your fingers this is the day I don't get any calls!