Tina's Daily Blog: Karen, Gwen and Julie, oh my!

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Karen, Gwen and Julie, oh my!

Finally! Karen called me back! Let's see if I can sum this up quickly...
She thinks that Julie's file is not reflective of who Julie really is. She says her file looks so awful, and Julie's really not that bad. I told her, she didn't know what Julie was like before, but that every single thing in that terrible file was true. Sigh....

On March 9th, Julie has another hearing. At that time, her psychiatrist is supposed to testify to whether or not Julie can ever be mentally stable enough to have her kids. If he says "no" she loses them forever - if he says "yes" she has continued opportunities to improve enough to get the kids back. This is a big day in court for her. For my sister's sake, I hope that they determine there is hope for her. If they say "no", I'm truly afraid that Julie will kill herself.

Karen also told me that Julie was really great with the kids the other day in front of her. The kids kept asking her over and over (she said no less than 10 times) when they were going to be able to come home. Julie told them that it was "up to her (Julie) when that would happen". They said "no, it's up to DCF not you". Julie corrected them and Karen talked to them as well about it. I told Karen what she didn't see is that - I felt the reason the kids kept pushing her to tell them is because Julie usually DOES tell them.

Karen told me that in the future, I should stop the conversation immediately. And that - if that behavior continued - she would stop visitation and phones and have to be there to supervise visits herself. I also told Karen about Julie's behavior at Katie's house (trying to cuddle with them in the bed). She told me that it was inappropriate and that I should have stopped it immediately. I guess I kind of knew that, but I didn't want to infringe on Julie's one day to see the kids.

And, lastly, Karen told me that they are looking into long-term placement for the kids elsewhere. She said that the kids are "not doing well at our house" - and that - maybe it'll improve - but if not, they'll need to go to a long term facility. She didn't blame me for any of this - rather - she pointed out that they are teens who know full well what they are doing. I guess I know this.... But - and I've been thinking about this all afternoon - I still think of the kids as "victims". You don't want to be too harsh on a victim, ya know?

Okay - on to better news... Gwen came in last night! She's so very nice!!!!! She rented a car and is able to drive around wherever she wants to go. I had lunch today with mom and Gwen. We kind of filled Gwen in on Julie and the kids. It's really nice to get the perspective of how Ron dealt with all of this. He was an amazing man to be able to put up with Julie for so long.

I talked to Julie after lunch and she was -- how do I say this -- not nice at all. (yeah, that was put nicely!) She made it sound as if Gwen flew in on a broom, if you get my drift. Julie's just... not nice. Sigh.....

The big thing that came out of our lunch together was that Gwen really feels I need to put my foot down more with the kids, and not be afraid to show them that I'm pissed or that I mean business. Again, this is where the "victim" attitude plays with my emotions. But she's right. She's going to talk to the kids while she's here, and that's awesome. Oh... and she's cooking dinner tonight!! YEAHHHHH!!!! I'm so excited! I don't remember the last time someone came to my house and made dinner for us.

Speaking of dinner and foods... I paid my bills this week and I just want to say "thank you" again to everyone who has chipped in to help us. I noticed that... (how do I say this)... I had enough to pay everything, and I thought there must be a mistake. (Remember I get paid once a month, so literally everything is paid at one time) I kept looking through it thinking I'd missed something. But then I realized that there were not $300 grocery bills for the past few weeks. **grin** I mean, groceries here and there, but nothing huge like that - and I'm certain that is the reason! So... again... thank you. I'll update another "Top 5 List" soon.

One last thing. Everyone was really worried for us after the last post. I want everyone to know that we are not giving up just yet. We may be down, but we are not 'out'. However your comments made me realize that I really do need to be more firm with them. About the bathroom fiasco, my friend Amy told me that I should dig a hole out back and ask them to pee and poo in that. **too funny** And I was talking to Mom and Gwen about it today, and telling them about how much I hated to get onto them about how much toilet paper they used - I felt like a drill seargent rationing the squares of toilet paper - but they pointed out that when it comes down to having to remodel your bathroom because of all the water (or as mom put it, you have pee and poo running down your walls and in your ceiling) - it really is a serious matter. And that's what all of you who read this blog and respond do for me - give me the strength to know that I'm making the right decisions, that I'm not being to hard on them, that I'm not crazy rationing toilet paper.

Oh! One last thing!! The video for the church!!! Chris and I went and talked in front of the camera. I was horrified. And for everyone who asked, I didn't go in jeans and a t-shirt. I actually wore a dress shirt (and jeans). I put on a little makeup, pulled my hair back, and that's it. They interviewed 3 people and are playing it at church this Sunday. (Gwen will be there too). I'm hoping though, with good editing, it'll turn out okay. Everything our church does like that always turns out great... I'm hoping this is the same.

Take care. Remember to pray for all of us. I love you all.

No comments:

Post a Comment

In A Nutshell:

Here is a letter I sent to Dr. Phil which really sums everything up:
I am married to my high-school sweetheart (20 years this August), with two wonderful children (Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13). I have two sisters, both younger – I call them “my good sister” and “my bad sister”. My good sister is – well, good! Normal in every way. The bad one, Julie, has been in trouble since she was a kid. As a baby she cried all of the time. As a teenager she was in trouble all of the time. At the age of 14 or so I remember that she had run away from home to live with a grown man in Atlanta. This was one of many run a ways. As a teenager, she provided sexual favors to boys in school, as well as teachers. As a young adult she was arrested for prostitution. She’s done drugs ranging from marijuana to crack. She was diagnosed early on as bi-polar with personality disorder. She’s also a serious cutter to the point where she no longer hid the cuts. She’s cut things like “Ronald Cecchinni” into her arm… and “Fuck you Dr. XXX” on her stomach, in large letters. Julie is also a diagnosed sex-addict. She’s also recently (in the past year) begun ‘huffing’. (I honestly believe that this huffing has caused some permanent damage) She is currently 36yo.
Julie lost her husband Ron a year and a half ago as a result of Leukemia and Kidney Disease which the military attributed to his serving in the Gulf War. He left behind three children – Kayla who is now 15, Justin who is now 14 and Kayte who is now 13. Even when Julie was married, her psychiatric problems persisted. She has been hospitalized literally hundreds of times over the years. However, when her husband was alive, he would take care of the kids when Julie was mentally out of control. After Ron died, Julie lost control of the kids and her life. She began to spiral out of control, having pot parties at her home (to the point where the kids said a door would open and a cloud of smoke would come bellowing out of the room), smoking weed with her own kids, having sex all over the house with different men all the time, allowing young men (19 yo) to sleep over with her oldest daughter (only 14 at the time), and allowing Gang members to live in her home (she said she felt ‘safe’ with them there). In addition, she was attempting suicide daily, overdosing on medications hoping to not wake up the next morning. Mind you all of this while she was seeing her Psychologist every week and Psychiatrist once a month. Both of these Doctors knew what was going on at home, neither of them reported it to the proper authorities. I have even been told by one of them that he was told, by Julie, that she ‘heard voices telling her to hurt the children’ but that she was proud that she could ignore the voices. Still, these Doctors reported nothing.
I should add here that it was at some point in this period of time in Julie’s life when her children began suicide watches over their mom… each one taking turns to sit in a room with her at all hours (night and day) because their mom was less-likely to hurt herself while they were here. However, it didn’t always work – Julie constantly took pills in front of them trying to either dope herself up or overdose, and she would even cut herself in front of the kids.
Finally one day, she woke up furious that her last suicide attempt didn’t work. She got violent with her oldest daughter, police were called, and finally DCF was called. (I would like to add that we (other family members) had called DCF in the past to report things, but some of the cases were ‘unfounded’ and one other time the fled the state knowing CF only had jurisdiction in Florida.) DCF removed the children from the home in November 2005 and I gained custody of the Children shortly thereafter.
There are lots of things I could add here about my sister, DCF, and the horrible Foster Care or Custodial Care program we are involved with. However, that is not my main reason for writing to you.
Kayte, the youngest, seems to be adjusting pretty well. She has a tendency to trivialize what her mom has done and the seriousness of it, but I think that is normal given that it is her mom. Kayte was in counseling, but she feels it’s ‘a waste of time’.
Justin, the middle child, is okay. As a young boy I'm told he was a terror. He used to hit his mother and at one point (only 6yo) tried to jump off a building to kill himself. Since then, his anger has turned in to an endless smothering of love and caring. He does everything for his mom… from getting her whatever she needs to rubbing her feet and back. Justin has seen a psychiatrist since moving in with me who felt that his issues were brought on by trauma. It was also at that visit with the psychiatrist that he confided in myself and the Doctor that he had suicidal thoughts often while living at home with his mom in her ‘state of being’ after his dad died. However, since he moved in with me he has done so much better (and continues to improve daily) that she didn’t feel he even needed counseling at this time. He would, however, need counseling before he was reunited with his mom.
Kayla, the oldest, has serious issues. She is also currently in counseling but feels that it is ‘a waste of time’. Kayla has always lied and stolen things. Family members feel sorry for her because you can tell that she doesn’t really mean any ill will by it, but it’s been ‘the way she is’ for a very long time. By far her biggest problems are lying and her need for approval by men (young and old).
Since the kids have moved in with us, my husband and I have set up rules. The kids already had myspace accounts, so we set ground rules for it. 1) We needed the login names and passwords. 2) Profiles must be set to private. 3) The only people they were allowed to have on their friends list was people that they actually knew. When Kayla’s list climbed over 300, and she was found to have inappropriate conversations (wanting to sneak out and ‘hook up’ with young men), we made everyone cut their list down to 30 friends, which included myself. 4) All vulgar language and inappropriate photos would come off immediately and would be monitored by myself at any given time. At times, they try to put up ‘sexy’ pictures which immediately need to come down.
However recently I have found that she has multiple website things going on in an attempt to pick up young men. I'll outline a few here so that you understand the gravity of the situation: 1) I found her 'normal' myspace account set to 'public view'. She has over 11,000 profile views(meaning people looking at her pictures and wanting to know more about her). I had reset it to private many times, but she keeps going back and resetting it to public. 2) I have found another myspace account which she went by the name 'Shannon' and used it to pick up young men, tease them, then later tell them that she was 'taken' but refer them to her 'cousin, Kayla'. She'd then give them all of Kayla's information. Of course thiswas also set to public. 3) I have found another social network website that was like myspace in which she had ONLY men (mostly from other states) as her 'friends' whom she corresponded with. The emails back and forth basically said the same thing as all of the others... more on that in #4 - only these were guys that not only did she not know, but they were not even in the area! 4) All accounts that I have found had basically the same thing... her emailing guys wanting to know if she was pretty, if they wanted to 'hook up', talking about going to their 'crib' or meeting up with them somewhere, and constantly seeking approval and affirmation from these guys.
I believe she gets this from her mom. And the sad thing is, if you met her, you would love her. She is truly a GREAT kid… but she has serious issues. I’ve described to you Julie’s behavior and Kayla’s seems to be the same way. Neither can make decisions on their own that are ‘the right thing to do’, and both lack the understanding of simple values, morals and ethics. I could go into so many examples. How do I describe the utterly amazing difference between Julie’s parenting style and my own?
I know... Both Julie and I have myspace accounts set up to ‘monitor’ the kids. To illustrate the difference between Julie and myself, here is something that Julie and I both put on our myspace accounts. You are supposed to put something 'about yourself' by your picture. Here is mine: "I'm 38 years old. I have two amazing kids, Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13. I have great husband, Chris. I love to sing - and have been singing in Toast of Tampa Show Chorus for 10 years. I'm raising my nieces and nephew (12, 13 and 14). I love God and my family."And here is Julie's: "I am who I am and if you dont like me for me........FUCK YOU........ Plus if you dont like me for me....... Im gunna tell my kids and there gunna kick yer ass!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Here’s the other dilemma we are having; the two girls are in counseling that is costing me $25 EACH in co-payments every time they go. The State of Florida provides NO financial support to me as a relative caregiver, other than providing the three kids with Medicaid. They received small SSI checks because of their dad’s death, but it barely covers the food they consume. The DCF worker, having spoke with the girls and being told that therapy is ‘a waste of time’, has referred me to a clinic that DCF uses for cases such as this to seek mental care for Kayla (aswell as the others). However, the kids have TriCare as their primary insurance because their dad died from Military causes. TriCare requires the co-payment, regardless of the Medicaid secondary. Having said that, please understand that I worked in referrals in a primary care physician’s office for 16 years… I totally ‘get’ what is required for primary and secondary insurances and all the red tape. But because of the uniqueness of this situation, the kids are suffering!
I should also point out here that I have the kids for an indefinite period of time. Right now Julie is doing things that she has been told to do to get the kids back. However, she is still awaiting a court ordered detailed Psychiatric exam to determine if she can EVER parent again. Even if that Psychiatrist feels she can parent again, she’ll most likely need to be ‘clean’ and ‘episode-free’ for 6 months to a year minimum. In addition, Julie is only allowed supervised visits and one phone call a day. This came about because of her inappropriate behavior when she was with the kids and because when she was allowed to call any time she’d call 10 + times a day.
The other problem with Julie ever getting her children back is that… she doesn’t understand what she did wrong. She parents as if she were 15-years old herself. If anyone has ever done something bad and been able to ‘keep’ their kids, she sees no reason she can’t do it. She brought her daughter at the age of 13 in for a HUGE tattoo on the small of her back. It’s Tigger flipping ‘the bird’ with her gang name under it. She was also planning on getting a large tattoo on her 12yo before the kids were taken. Again, she sees nothing wrong with any of her past behavior.
So, you see, I could have these children for the rest of their teenage years. I honestly don’t know where to turn to get them the help they need.
I feel as if I am in a psychiatric nightmare and I just can’t wake up. Eight months ago I was at home, my biggest ‘kid worry’ was if my son was going to get good grades on his report card. Now I find myself in a crux worried about whether or not the lessons I teach them, this late in their young life, are going to be enough to turn these kids around and help them to be productive adults in the near future.

Tina's Daily Blog

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Karen, Gwen and Julie, oh my!

No comments:

Have Tina's Daily Blog sent to your email address:

Blog Archive

Followers

About Me

My Favorite Places and People

Blog Stats

In A Nutshell: