Tina's Daily Blog: Things Ain't What They Used To Be...

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Things Ain't What They Used To Be...

I was talking to Mom today and I wanted to take just a second to be clear about something. I know that there are extended family and friends who now read the blog (which I really appreciate) and I want to be clear about where I *am* so to speak. Chris and I are not poor - rather - I'd describe it as 'in shock'. When we asked for help it wasn't because the kids were going totally without - we still manage. I don't want anyone to think I'm asking for hand-outs or that we are poor and need help. That's not it at all. We are a middle class family who has buckled way way down to make this work - and frankly - it would not be possible - at all - without God. If you had told me 4 months ago that all of this would have happened to us, I'd have thought we'd be either living with family, living in a small apartment, or divorced. But - God is in charge. I truly believe that He told me to put the 'top 5 list' together to give people an outlet to help, if they wanted. I didn't put that on paper (or - internet paper rather) so that people would judge us by what we do, what we buy or what we spend, nor to ask for hand-outs. I know God has a plan for all of this, and I'm just a small part of His plan. I'm just following directions. :o)

Okay - nuff said with that!

So - the big surprise tonight! Ron's best friend from Maryland - Tobias - is coming over tonight. He'll be here this weekend - as will Gwen (Ron's mom). The kids are going to be SO excited to see him. What we are going to do is order pizza and pretend it's for delivery. The doorbell will ring and I'll make the kids go get the door - and - Tobias will be there with the pizza. *squeel* They're gonna be so excited!

So the other thing about tonight is that we (Chris and I) are going to the church. I sent the email (snipped below) to the Church and they want to put us on Video describing our experience. (Video... have you SEEN how much I weigh??!! *sigh*

I just wanted to drop a line and give an update for those praying for our family. As you recall, we have gained custody of my sisters 3 kids (12, 13 and 14). Life at home has been crazy busy as we try to provide a loving & safe home for these kids while adjusting to becoming a family of 7. (I gasp every time I think about that... seven... sigh!)

Honestly, and I know I say this a lot, I don't know where we'd be without the Church. I thank God every day that He led me to VanDyke. Last Sunday we went to the Explore VanDyke class at 9am and all of the kids went to Sunday School. That night they were preparing for JAM when a friend of theirs (Anthony) called to ask if they could 'come out and play'. We said no because we were getting ready to leave for JAM. Chris (my husband) said "ask him if he wants to come to Church with you guys". Kayla (the oldest) snarled her nose and replied "really??"... to which Chris said "Yes, just ask him". Anthony said yes, and after checking with his mom came along with us. When they got out of JAM, a woman walked up to the car. The kids said "she wanted to meet you". I immediately thought "uh-oh, they've done something wrong". The lady told me that I had GREAT kids and that they were all just wonderful. I had this "are-you-sure-you-are-talking-about-these-kids" look on my face. Wow. We took Anthony home and he called shortly thereafter. He had talked to his mom about it, and he wanted to know if he could come to JAM every Sunday night. We (of course) said yes. Chris said "Kayla, ask him if he wants to attend Sunday mornings as well". Kayla gave 'the look' again followed by a whiney "Uncle Chris!!" , but went ahead and asked. He said he'd love to - and again, his mom was very pleased and agreed. Now, Chris and I are in membership classes and both scored super low on Evangelism, but Wow!! Even if Anthony doesn't end up attending weekly with us, it's nice knowing that their friends love the Church. Given that these kids have not had any Church experiences in the past, I love it that they are so pumped about VanDyke. (Please pass that on to whomever is in charge of JAM)

And Choir... wow - we are just loving that as well. Tuesday night we got a call from Linda Hummel from the Choir. She had heard about all the extra mouths we have to feed and she wanted to help. She works for Dinner Done and brought over some meals for us. WOW!! She can't know how much that helps. I mean, first of all - adding 3 teens to the family food budget has been... surreal. But more importantly, to know she was thinking of us and wanted to help. That just lifts up my spirit. I mean, all of this can be so overwhelming and - knowing that people like you are praying for us and trying to help where you can - are like hands supporting us. Thank you.

As to how we are adjusting as a family - we're getting there. The kids are happy and safe, which is most important to us. Our son, Jonathan, at times gets a little 'down' - he went from being the only one at home to being one of four. But for the most part he likes having his cousins around all the time. Chris and I are just trying to adjust to the non-stop chaos. Yep, three words that describe it in a nutshell - non stop chaos.

Again, thank you all for your prayers and support. Continue to keep everyone in your prayers: my sister Julie, and her three kids, Kayla, Justin and Kayte. Also keep in your prayers Jonathan who is trying really hard to share mom and dad as well as our home. For Chris and I... pray for patience, love and guidance.

Wow... this is going to be a long blog, eh? So anyways - that was the email I sent, and now they want to put us in this Video for the church. They are going to show it durring services Saturday and Sunday (over 3,000 people). EEEEEEEKKKKKKKKK I'm so very nervous. I mean, I can tell a good story (long too - HA!) on the computer - thanks to backspace and the ability to read, re-read and delete. But - in person, and worse - on video? I have this big fear of talking in front of people. When I was team leader of our chours, I had to do it a lot. I would actually take meds (given for stage fright) that would keep my heart from racing so bad I thought I was going to die. Yep... terrified.

Pray for me.

That will about about 5:30 tonight. Then 6:30 with Tobias. Then Gwen is coming tomorrow night. Busy busy few days.

Gwen is too funny - said wee're going to drink lots of wine while she's there. Love it. Speaking of that - let me just tell you that - I've pretty much stopped drinking all together. I used to have wine almost every night. Now, on rare occasions I'll have it at home. It's weird... I used to drink it while sitting back, relaxing and watching TV at home - my 'me' time. Now, I don't have any of that time therefore I just don't do it. Hmmm... not sure if that's good or bad! LOL

That's all for now - I'm sure you are tired of reading today!

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In A Nutshell:

Here is a letter I sent to Dr. Phil which really sums everything up:
I am married to my high-school sweetheart (20 years this August), with two wonderful children (Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13). I have two sisters, both younger – I call them “my good sister” and “my bad sister”. My good sister is – well, good! Normal in every way. The bad one, Julie, has been in trouble since she was a kid. As a baby she cried all of the time. As a teenager she was in trouble all of the time. At the age of 14 or so I remember that she had run away from home to live with a grown man in Atlanta. This was one of many run a ways. As a teenager, she provided sexual favors to boys in school, as well as teachers. As a young adult she was arrested for prostitution. She’s done drugs ranging from marijuana to crack. She was diagnosed early on as bi-polar with personality disorder. She’s also a serious cutter to the point where she no longer hid the cuts. She’s cut things like “Ronald Cecchinni” into her arm… and “Fuck you Dr. XXX” on her stomach, in large letters. Julie is also a diagnosed sex-addict. She’s also recently (in the past year) begun ‘huffing’. (I honestly believe that this huffing has caused some permanent damage) She is currently 36yo.
Julie lost her husband Ron a year and a half ago as a result of Leukemia and Kidney Disease which the military attributed to his serving in the Gulf War. He left behind three children – Kayla who is now 15, Justin who is now 14 and Kayte who is now 13. Even when Julie was married, her psychiatric problems persisted. She has been hospitalized literally hundreds of times over the years. However, when her husband was alive, he would take care of the kids when Julie was mentally out of control. After Ron died, Julie lost control of the kids and her life. She began to spiral out of control, having pot parties at her home (to the point where the kids said a door would open and a cloud of smoke would come bellowing out of the room), smoking weed with her own kids, having sex all over the house with different men all the time, allowing young men (19 yo) to sleep over with her oldest daughter (only 14 at the time), and allowing Gang members to live in her home (she said she felt ‘safe’ with them there). In addition, she was attempting suicide daily, overdosing on medications hoping to not wake up the next morning. Mind you all of this while she was seeing her Psychologist every week and Psychiatrist once a month. Both of these Doctors knew what was going on at home, neither of them reported it to the proper authorities. I have even been told by one of them that he was told, by Julie, that she ‘heard voices telling her to hurt the children’ but that she was proud that she could ignore the voices. Still, these Doctors reported nothing.
I should add here that it was at some point in this period of time in Julie’s life when her children began suicide watches over their mom… each one taking turns to sit in a room with her at all hours (night and day) because their mom was less-likely to hurt herself while they were here. However, it didn’t always work – Julie constantly took pills in front of them trying to either dope herself up or overdose, and she would even cut herself in front of the kids.
Finally one day, she woke up furious that her last suicide attempt didn’t work. She got violent with her oldest daughter, police were called, and finally DCF was called. (I would like to add that we (other family members) had called DCF in the past to report things, but some of the cases were ‘unfounded’ and one other time the fled the state knowing CF only had jurisdiction in Florida.) DCF removed the children from the home in November 2005 and I gained custody of the Children shortly thereafter.
There are lots of things I could add here about my sister, DCF, and the horrible Foster Care or Custodial Care program we are involved with. However, that is not my main reason for writing to you.
Kayte, the youngest, seems to be adjusting pretty well. She has a tendency to trivialize what her mom has done and the seriousness of it, but I think that is normal given that it is her mom. Kayte was in counseling, but she feels it’s ‘a waste of time’.
Justin, the middle child, is okay. As a young boy I'm told he was a terror. He used to hit his mother and at one point (only 6yo) tried to jump off a building to kill himself. Since then, his anger has turned in to an endless smothering of love and caring. He does everything for his mom… from getting her whatever she needs to rubbing her feet and back. Justin has seen a psychiatrist since moving in with me who felt that his issues were brought on by trauma. It was also at that visit with the psychiatrist that he confided in myself and the Doctor that he had suicidal thoughts often while living at home with his mom in her ‘state of being’ after his dad died. However, since he moved in with me he has done so much better (and continues to improve daily) that she didn’t feel he even needed counseling at this time. He would, however, need counseling before he was reunited with his mom.
Kayla, the oldest, has serious issues. She is also currently in counseling but feels that it is ‘a waste of time’. Kayla has always lied and stolen things. Family members feel sorry for her because you can tell that she doesn’t really mean any ill will by it, but it’s been ‘the way she is’ for a very long time. By far her biggest problems are lying and her need for approval by men (young and old).
Since the kids have moved in with us, my husband and I have set up rules. The kids already had myspace accounts, so we set ground rules for it. 1) We needed the login names and passwords. 2) Profiles must be set to private. 3) The only people they were allowed to have on their friends list was people that they actually knew. When Kayla’s list climbed over 300, and she was found to have inappropriate conversations (wanting to sneak out and ‘hook up’ with young men), we made everyone cut their list down to 30 friends, which included myself. 4) All vulgar language and inappropriate photos would come off immediately and would be monitored by myself at any given time. At times, they try to put up ‘sexy’ pictures which immediately need to come down.
However recently I have found that she has multiple website things going on in an attempt to pick up young men. I'll outline a few here so that you understand the gravity of the situation: 1) I found her 'normal' myspace account set to 'public view'. She has over 11,000 profile views(meaning people looking at her pictures and wanting to know more about her). I had reset it to private many times, but she keeps going back and resetting it to public. 2) I have found another myspace account which she went by the name 'Shannon' and used it to pick up young men, tease them, then later tell them that she was 'taken' but refer them to her 'cousin, Kayla'. She'd then give them all of Kayla's information. Of course thiswas also set to public. 3) I have found another social network website that was like myspace in which she had ONLY men (mostly from other states) as her 'friends' whom she corresponded with. The emails back and forth basically said the same thing as all of the others... more on that in #4 - only these were guys that not only did she not know, but they were not even in the area! 4) All accounts that I have found had basically the same thing... her emailing guys wanting to know if she was pretty, if they wanted to 'hook up', talking about going to their 'crib' or meeting up with them somewhere, and constantly seeking approval and affirmation from these guys.
I believe she gets this from her mom. And the sad thing is, if you met her, you would love her. She is truly a GREAT kid… but she has serious issues. I’ve described to you Julie’s behavior and Kayla’s seems to be the same way. Neither can make decisions on their own that are ‘the right thing to do’, and both lack the understanding of simple values, morals and ethics. I could go into so many examples. How do I describe the utterly amazing difference between Julie’s parenting style and my own?
I know... Both Julie and I have myspace accounts set up to ‘monitor’ the kids. To illustrate the difference between Julie and myself, here is something that Julie and I both put on our myspace accounts. You are supposed to put something 'about yourself' by your picture. Here is mine: "I'm 38 years old. I have two amazing kids, Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13. I have great husband, Chris. I love to sing - and have been singing in Toast of Tampa Show Chorus for 10 years. I'm raising my nieces and nephew (12, 13 and 14). I love God and my family."And here is Julie's: "I am who I am and if you dont like me for me........FUCK YOU........ Plus if you dont like me for me....... Im gunna tell my kids and there gunna kick yer ass!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Here’s the other dilemma we are having; the two girls are in counseling that is costing me $25 EACH in co-payments every time they go. The State of Florida provides NO financial support to me as a relative caregiver, other than providing the three kids with Medicaid. They received small SSI checks because of their dad’s death, but it barely covers the food they consume. The DCF worker, having spoke with the girls and being told that therapy is ‘a waste of time’, has referred me to a clinic that DCF uses for cases such as this to seek mental care for Kayla (aswell as the others). However, the kids have TriCare as their primary insurance because their dad died from Military causes. TriCare requires the co-payment, regardless of the Medicaid secondary. Having said that, please understand that I worked in referrals in a primary care physician’s office for 16 years… I totally ‘get’ what is required for primary and secondary insurances and all the red tape. But because of the uniqueness of this situation, the kids are suffering!
I should also point out here that I have the kids for an indefinite period of time. Right now Julie is doing things that she has been told to do to get the kids back. However, she is still awaiting a court ordered detailed Psychiatric exam to determine if she can EVER parent again. Even if that Psychiatrist feels she can parent again, she’ll most likely need to be ‘clean’ and ‘episode-free’ for 6 months to a year minimum. In addition, Julie is only allowed supervised visits and one phone call a day. This came about because of her inappropriate behavior when she was with the kids and because when she was allowed to call any time she’d call 10 + times a day.
The other problem with Julie ever getting her children back is that… she doesn’t understand what she did wrong. She parents as if she were 15-years old herself. If anyone has ever done something bad and been able to ‘keep’ their kids, she sees no reason she can’t do it. She brought her daughter at the age of 13 in for a HUGE tattoo on the small of her back. It’s Tigger flipping ‘the bird’ with her gang name under it. She was also planning on getting a large tattoo on her 12yo before the kids were taken. Again, she sees nothing wrong with any of her past behavior.
So, you see, I could have these children for the rest of their teenage years. I honestly don’t know where to turn to get them the help they need.
I feel as if I am in a psychiatric nightmare and I just can’t wake up. Eight months ago I was at home, my biggest ‘kid worry’ was if my son was going to get good grades on his report card. Now I find myself in a crux worried about whether or not the lessons I teach them, this late in their young life, are going to be enough to turn these kids around and help them to be productive adults in the near future.

Tina's Daily Blog

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

Things Ain't What They Used To Be...

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