Tina's Daily Blog: Almost V-Day!

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Almost V-Day!

Valentine's Day is tomorrow. Sigh...........

I wish I had something wonderful planned for Chris, but I don't. Not as of now anyways. I did buy him a nice drill set while we were at the fair, but that is oh so FAR from romantic! I just wish I was able to think of something relatively inexpensive yet very romantic... but I can think of not one single thing to do. Every time I think of something, I think of reasons we can't do them. What kind of whacked-out brain function is that?? Jeez!! Cook a nice romantic dinner at home? Nope - got kids. Go out to dinner (along with 90% of all the other couples in Tampa tomorrow night) - sure, if you don't mind waiting a couple hours for a seat. But, that's not even really 'romantic'.

The problem is that for YEARS Chris and I delivered singing valentines. We'd get together with a quartet and go out all day and night singing for other people ($50 per valentine for a couple songs, card and candy). This was REALLY cool for us, we both enjoyed it so much. And, it made us feel so good to make other people so happy they cried. Then we'd do something together after V-day and share stories. But OUR romance of the day was in giving romance to OTHER people. (Wait... that sounded kinda bad...) But neither of us are in chorus right now, so we're not doing it this year. But we both recognized last night that the experience of doing singing valentines definitely took the romance out of the holiday for us. So.... what to do.... what to do.... ???? Eh, I'll keep thinking about it. Surely something will come to me.

Gwen and Coley came down this weekend. It was GREAT having them here. The kids were so happy to spend time with their Grandma and Grandpa. They came in on Friday night and made us some dinner... Coley's famous ribs and chicken - YUMMY. And he taught Chris so next time we can do it ourselves! Saturday morning they made breakfast for us (although again Chris helped out!), and then they took the kids out shopping for the day. Sunday morning they got up and went to Church with us (don't even ASK about the solo, barf!) and then took the kids to breakfast. After that we had all planned on going to the fair. However, after waiting in line at the EXIT off I-4 for an hour and a half, they decided they might miss their plane that night given the crowds of people there, so they left from the parking lot of the fair to go home, and the kids, Chris and I went to the fair all afternoon/night. On the way to the airport, Gwen stopped and bought Kayte a bed which was very thoughtfully. She moved out of Kayla's room and into Justin's room, where she's been sleeping on a futon kind of cot. I had always thought of the move to Justin's room as 'temporary' but I guess Kayte thinks of it as permanent. So... the bed will be delivered tomorrow.

At first I was.... what's the word..... maybe 'hurt'.... that she got the bed as I felt as if she was telling me that I couldn't take care of the her needs so she would. But I quickly realized I was over-reacting... that if I took "my feelings" totally out of it and just looked at it as an outsider, I could easily see that she was just doing something for her granddaughter. So I'm thrilled that she was able to do this for Kayte.

It occurred to me yesterday how Kayla, Justin and Kayte never really 'fight'. I grew up with 2 sisters... and I had friends who had siblings.... and I know people now who have multiple kids. Siblings just tend to fight with each other.

Not these kids. They stick together and support each other. They don't tell on one another. They don't argue or fight. And I know what you are thinking... I don't mean that I was always mean to my sisters. God forbid someone try to hurt them or be mean to them, I'd be all over it! But still... as normal siblings, we would fight over the most stupid things. But Kayla, Justin and Kayte do not. And I wondered... why.

Then I realized how different it must have been growing up with a mom who was always mentally ill and a dad who you knew was dying. Can you imagine being 5, 6 and 7 years old and watching your dad's kidney's shut down... watching as the whites of his eyes filled with blood from the constant vomiting from the Leukemia. Knowing he was exhausted 3-4 times a week when he was gone all night to Dialysis. Watching as their mom and dad dealt with it while never EVER talking about it.

It changed these kids, in a most profound way. And, oddly enough, changed them in some really good ways.

Then there is little Jonathan. Gosh, he's going to be 14 next week. I also just realized his birthday falls on Choir rehearsal night, on a night that we CAN'T miss because we are on praise team that weekend. So... I'm not sure what we are going to do on the night of his Birthday. Then we have to plan his kid party. He wants to go to Game Works, and I'm sure we are going to take him.

Julie came over for a visit tonight, and did SUPER. It was actually a very pleasant visit. Although she talked a lot about the kids going home.... things she was doing to their bedrooms and such. We did talk about it some - talked about how Julie knew that it was 'almost impossible' to get the kids back.... but she said it wasn't going to 'stop her'. She said she was going to work hard to bring the kids home. I talked for a little bit about how I felt... that she wasn't a 'BAD' person... that she had a mental condition and that, even if it were simply not possible for her to stay well long enough, it would still be okay... as long as she continued to work on herself.

Ya know... she's done so good the past couple of weeks, and my heart breaks for her. It feels like forever since things were bad. But then.... going into the blog here I can look and see titles of prior posts... and it was less than a month ago that she was bakers acted into the hospital last. Sigh............

As I sit typing this... you should know that Jonathan is here next to me practicing on the keyboard. Playing just beautifully... it's AMAZING the talent he has... it really is. At the fair, he went to a booth where they sell piano's and he asked if he could play something. She said yes, and he sat down to play (a $5,000 piano!) and the teacher was floored. She asked how long he'd been playing. I explained he got the keyboard for Christmas and had just been playing by ear. She was even more flabbergasted. When he finished one song she said that he was already better than most students she had playing that song after 3 years of lessons. She told me that we NEED to get him lessons... that even if he didn't learn to read music and such... that learning how to correctly place his fingers could only help him play by ear. She said that she could see that he was developing some 'bad habits' - but if she shut her eyes and didn't watch she'd never know. So... we are going to have to work on the lessons.

I better run for tonight. American Idol is on and I've got to get the kids to bed. I'll leave you with this for tonight. So I leave you with this for tonight:

Give your troubles to God; He will be up all night anyway.

I just love that. Simple.. funny... yet true.

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In A Nutshell:

Here is a letter I sent to Dr. Phil which really sums everything up:
I am married to my high-school sweetheart (20 years this August), with two wonderful children (Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13). I have two sisters, both younger – I call them “my good sister” and “my bad sister”. My good sister is – well, good! Normal in every way. The bad one, Julie, has been in trouble since she was a kid. As a baby she cried all of the time. As a teenager she was in trouble all of the time. At the age of 14 or so I remember that she had run away from home to live with a grown man in Atlanta. This was one of many run a ways. As a teenager, she provided sexual favors to boys in school, as well as teachers. As a young adult she was arrested for prostitution. She’s done drugs ranging from marijuana to crack. She was diagnosed early on as bi-polar with personality disorder. She’s also a serious cutter to the point where she no longer hid the cuts. She’s cut things like “Ronald Cecchinni” into her arm… and “Fuck you Dr. XXX” on her stomach, in large letters. Julie is also a diagnosed sex-addict. She’s also recently (in the past year) begun ‘huffing’. (I honestly believe that this huffing has caused some permanent damage) She is currently 36yo.
Julie lost her husband Ron a year and a half ago as a result of Leukemia and Kidney Disease which the military attributed to his serving in the Gulf War. He left behind three children – Kayla who is now 15, Justin who is now 14 and Kayte who is now 13. Even when Julie was married, her psychiatric problems persisted. She has been hospitalized literally hundreds of times over the years. However, when her husband was alive, he would take care of the kids when Julie was mentally out of control. After Ron died, Julie lost control of the kids and her life. She began to spiral out of control, having pot parties at her home (to the point where the kids said a door would open and a cloud of smoke would come bellowing out of the room), smoking weed with her own kids, having sex all over the house with different men all the time, allowing young men (19 yo) to sleep over with her oldest daughter (only 14 at the time), and allowing Gang members to live in her home (she said she felt ‘safe’ with them there). In addition, she was attempting suicide daily, overdosing on medications hoping to not wake up the next morning. Mind you all of this while she was seeing her Psychologist every week and Psychiatrist once a month. Both of these Doctors knew what was going on at home, neither of them reported it to the proper authorities. I have even been told by one of them that he was told, by Julie, that she ‘heard voices telling her to hurt the children’ but that she was proud that she could ignore the voices. Still, these Doctors reported nothing.
I should add here that it was at some point in this period of time in Julie’s life when her children began suicide watches over their mom… each one taking turns to sit in a room with her at all hours (night and day) because their mom was less-likely to hurt herself while they were here. However, it didn’t always work – Julie constantly took pills in front of them trying to either dope herself up or overdose, and she would even cut herself in front of the kids.
Finally one day, she woke up furious that her last suicide attempt didn’t work. She got violent with her oldest daughter, police were called, and finally DCF was called. (I would like to add that we (other family members) had called DCF in the past to report things, but some of the cases were ‘unfounded’ and one other time the fled the state knowing CF only had jurisdiction in Florida.) DCF removed the children from the home in November 2005 and I gained custody of the Children shortly thereafter.
There are lots of things I could add here about my sister, DCF, and the horrible Foster Care or Custodial Care program we are involved with. However, that is not my main reason for writing to you.
Kayte, the youngest, seems to be adjusting pretty well. She has a tendency to trivialize what her mom has done and the seriousness of it, but I think that is normal given that it is her mom. Kayte was in counseling, but she feels it’s ‘a waste of time’.
Justin, the middle child, is okay. As a young boy I'm told he was a terror. He used to hit his mother and at one point (only 6yo) tried to jump off a building to kill himself. Since then, his anger has turned in to an endless smothering of love and caring. He does everything for his mom… from getting her whatever she needs to rubbing her feet and back. Justin has seen a psychiatrist since moving in with me who felt that his issues were brought on by trauma. It was also at that visit with the psychiatrist that he confided in myself and the Doctor that he had suicidal thoughts often while living at home with his mom in her ‘state of being’ after his dad died. However, since he moved in with me he has done so much better (and continues to improve daily) that she didn’t feel he even needed counseling at this time. He would, however, need counseling before he was reunited with his mom.
Kayla, the oldest, has serious issues. She is also currently in counseling but feels that it is ‘a waste of time’. Kayla has always lied and stolen things. Family members feel sorry for her because you can tell that she doesn’t really mean any ill will by it, but it’s been ‘the way she is’ for a very long time. By far her biggest problems are lying and her need for approval by men (young and old).
Since the kids have moved in with us, my husband and I have set up rules. The kids already had myspace accounts, so we set ground rules for it. 1) We needed the login names and passwords. 2) Profiles must be set to private. 3) The only people they were allowed to have on their friends list was people that they actually knew. When Kayla’s list climbed over 300, and she was found to have inappropriate conversations (wanting to sneak out and ‘hook up’ with young men), we made everyone cut their list down to 30 friends, which included myself. 4) All vulgar language and inappropriate photos would come off immediately and would be monitored by myself at any given time. At times, they try to put up ‘sexy’ pictures which immediately need to come down.
However recently I have found that she has multiple website things going on in an attempt to pick up young men. I'll outline a few here so that you understand the gravity of the situation: 1) I found her 'normal' myspace account set to 'public view'. She has over 11,000 profile views(meaning people looking at her pictures and wanting to know more about her). I had reset it to private many times, but she keeps going back and resetting it to public. 2) I have found another myspace account which she went by the name 'Shannon' and used it to pick up young men, tease them, then later tell them that she was 'taken' but refer them to her 'cousin, Kayla'. She'd then give them all of Kayla's information. Of course thiswas also set to public. 3) I have found another social network website that was like myspace in which she had ONLY men (mostly from other states) as her 'friends' whom she corresponded with. The emails back and forth basically said the same thing as all of the others... more on that in #4 - only these were guys that not only did she not know, but they were not even in the area! 4) All accounts that I have found had basically the same thing... her emailing guys wanting to know if she was pretty, if they wanted to 'hook up', talking about going to their 'crib' or meeting up with them somewhere, and constantly seeking approval and affirmation from these guys.
I believe she gets this from her mom. And the sad thing is, if you met her, you would love her. She is truly a GREAT kid… but she has serious issues. I’ve described to you Julie’s behavior and Kayla’s seems to be the same way. Neither can make decisions on their own that are ‘the right thing to do’, and both lack the understanding of simple values, morals and ethics. I could go into so many examples. How do I describe the utterly amazing difference between Julie’s parenting style and my own?
I know... Both Julie and I have myspace accounts set up to ‘monitor’ the kids. To illustrate the difference between Julie and myself, here is something that Julie and I both put on our myspace accounts. You are supposed to put something 'about yourself' by your picture. Here is mine: "I'm 38 years old. I have two amazing kids, Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13. I have great husband, Chris. I love to sing - and have been singing in Toast of Tampa Show Chorus for 10 years. I'm raising my nieces and nephew (12, 13 and 14). I love God and my family."And here is Julie's: "I am who I am and if you dont like me for me........FUCK YOU........ Plus if you dont like me for me....... Im gunna tell my kids and there gunna kick yer ass!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Here’s the other dilemma we are having; the two girls are in counseling that is costing me $25 EACH in co-payments every time they go. The State of Florida provides NO financial support to me as a relative caregiver, other than providing the three kids with Medicaid. They received small SSI checks because of their dad’s death, but it barely covers the food they consume. The DCF worker, having spoke with the girls and being told that therapy is ‘a waste of time’, has referred me to a clinic that DCF uses for cases such as this to seek mental care for Kayla (aswell as the others). However, the kids have TriCare as their primary insurance because their dad died from Military causes. TriCare requires the co-payment, regardless of the Medicaid secondary. Having said that, please understand that I worked in referrals in a primary care physician’s office for 16 years… I totally ‘get’ what is required for primary and secondary insurances and all the red tape. But because of the uniqueness of this situation, the kids are suffering!
I should also point out here that I have the kids for an indefinite period of time. Right now Julie is doing things that she has been told to do to get the kids back. However, she is still awaiting a court ordered detailed Psychiatric exam to determine if she can EVER parent again. Even if that Psychiatrist feels she can parent again, she’ll most likely need to be ‘clean’ and ‘episode-free’ for 6 months to a year minimum. In addition, Julie is only allowed supervised visits and one phone call a day. This came about because of her inappropriate behavior when she was with the kids and because when she was allowed to call any time she’d call 10 + times a day.
The other problem with Julie ever getting her children back is that… she doesn’t understand what she did wrong. She parents as if she were 15-years old herself. If anyone has ever done something bad and been able to ‘keep’ their kids, she sees no reason she can’t do it. She brought her daughter at the age of 13 in for a HUGE tattoo on the small of her back. It’s Tigger flipping ‘the bird’ with her gang name under it. She was also planning on getting a large tattoo on her 12yo before the kids were taken. Again, she sees nothing wrong with any of her past behavior.
So, you see, I could have these children for the rest of their teenage years. I honestly don’t know where to turn to get them the help they need.
I feel as if I am in a psychiatric nightmare and I just can’t wake up. Eight months ago I was at home, my biggest ‘kid worry’ was if my son was going to get good grades on his report card. Now I find myself in a crux worried about whether or not the lessons I teach them, this late in their young life, are going to be enough to turn these kids around and help them to be productive adults in the near future.

Tina's Daily Blog

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Almost V-Day!

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