Tina's Daily Blog: Kids Kids Kids

Monday, February 05, 2007

Kids Kids Kids

ARGH

Why do kids have to be so destructive at times?

I remember when I used to go to visit Julie's house and I'd see her filthy walls and wonder how stuff like that happened. Now... I know. These kids can make anything filthy, and they break anything they touch.

Chris went to the Depot this weekend and picked up some supplies to fix the entertainment center they broke recently. Went to fix it... and four of the six screws were just - gone. Missing. Chris was beside himself ranting and raving about "how could they just disappear?"... and I walked around the house and really realized the beating the house is taking. You can't walk into one single room and not see stuff where it doesn't belong, or stuff trashed. Missing. Broken. Dirty. Or overused. That describes a lot of things in our house right now.

Kitchen - dirty cups and plates everywhere except the dishwasher. Counter tops dirty. There is a knife with peanut butter stuck to it... not just a little peanut butter, it's everywhere - even on the handle. Peanut butter on the microwave. The cabinet where the paper plates are located. On the handle of the cupboard where we keep the peanut butter. On the fridge door.

In the downstairs bathroom there is hair gel out and open. A brush is on the floor.

Throughout the rest of downstairs, which I pick up a LOT - Chips on the floor of the office, game room, dining room, living room, kitchen and front door.

Upstairs in the main bathroom there is an open bottle of oxy pads (cap not put back on so of course they are drying out), toothpaste is open and oozing out of the bottle, covering the cap and surrounding area. Boxers, a shirt and one sock are on the floor, along with a towel, some papers that were just dropped instead of being put into a trash can.

Trailing into one of the bedrooms you find the other sock - it almost made it into the bedroom (but Lord knows even if it did make it into the bedroom it wouldn't have made it all the way into the laundry hamper - of course not!). There is a dirty oxy pad on the floor, again headed into the bedroom... as is the plastic wrapper from a "Crest White Strip" - the outside wrapper right outside the bathroom door, one of the clear plastic pieces in the hall, closer to the bedroom, the last plastic piece actually on the bedroom floor.

The other day I looked in the garbage can and saw 2 of our new glasses in there, broken. This isn't surprising, they break glasses all the time. But it's rare I see two together. This time, the kids tell me, there were TWO glasses, stacked, in the sofa (between cushions) and someone threw the remote, hitting the glasses, breaking them both. Sigh............

It amazes me the constant effort I put into this house every single day. The kids are pretty good about doing their chores. They tend to need to be reminded often, but they don't complain about it (and with Teenagers, that's a BIG relief).

So.... updates:

Kayla is no longer dating Pito. She's dating a nice young man from Church. He seems like a great kid. :o)

Cars are not fairing so well... the AC and Heat in Durango have now gone out. Funny thing is the AC in my car isn't working either. Remember... we were trying to get 4 more years out of these cars? Well, it's not looking so hopeful right now. AC and heat we can live without I know, but the transmission we can't. Maybe we should trade it in now before it just falls apart completely. But then we're looking at a HEFTY car payment. Sheeshhhhhhh

Two of the four kids received progress reports today - the High Schoolers. Kayla did pretty well! 2 A's, 3 B's, and 2 C's. Justin on the other hand... not so well. He has 3 B's, 2 C's and 2 D's. ARGHHHH. He said he's going to work real hard to bring the grades up... and I know he can do it. I was just a little disappointed. The middle-schoolers will get their progress reports on Thursday. Cross your fingers!!!

We had another episode with Kayla on the computer. I allowed her access to the internet again, but only allowing her to get on Yahoo chat and email (both monitored by me at all times). I found an email that Kayla had been sending to this girl from Church. Kayla starts off the email by saying "I really don't like you. Leave my brother alone." She writes back that she doesn't know why Kayla doesn't like her, and that if Justin wants to be her friend - Kayla should let him. It escalated quickly and - let's just say the word "whore" was used once and the F-bomb was dropped once. Both by my lovely niece. I was FURIOUS. The last thing the girl said to Kayla is that she should forward the email thread over to the youth group so 'everyone can see who you really are'. Sigh...... So I'm trying to teach Kayla how - when you put something like that in writing... it's ALWAYS there. It can't be taken back. I sent an email to the girl and apologized as Kayla's Aunt and told her that it would not happen again. She was happy that I cared that much about it. I still haven't decided what to do with Kayla. One friend from Church suggested that I allow Kayla to create email but not send. Then everything she 'sends' has to be approved by me. I like this idea... just not sure how to actually DO it. Not to mention anyone can get any email on Yahoo or Hotmail... I know she'd know HOW to get around it. But her getting around it wouldn't teach her anything. And she HAS to learn not to do that to people.

What else.... Chris and I had an informal class reunion last weekend. It was AWESOME, except for the fact it was FREEZING outside! It was at a local park - we rented a pavilion and had it catered. Everyone brought their kids and spouses. It was a grand total of $10 bucks a person so it was VERY affordable. And because it was a 'picnic' nobody had to really 'dress to impress'... we were all just........... us. It was WONDERFUL and I hope we do it again soon. My only regret is not getting people's email and phone numbers. :o) It was funny realizing that - my senior year - I had no 'click' - no one group I 'belonged' with. I knew the geeks, the brainiacks, the cheerleaders, the dancers... but didn't hang out with any of them really. I was really pregnant my senior year and so.... most of the friends that I had had for years were no longer there and I had too many other priorities other than who was dancing or cheering what night. But - oddly - it felt good. It felt good knowing that I knew of and was friends with this LARGE group of vastly DIFFERENT personalities. Even if we didn't stay friends after high school (who wants to hang out with the chick with the newborn when you are headed into college, eh?) I still have a great deal of respect for them and am happy to have just been able to call them friends.

Speaking of friends, so my friends reading this - keep me in your prayers. I've been asked to sing a solo next week at Church. A song I don't know. And did I mention solo? As in alone? Where is my Inderal when I need it? Think it's a sin to take a shot of Jack Daniels' before church that morning? Yeah.... probably..............

So, with that - I'll leave you with this....

"Do all the good you can,
By all the means you can,
In all the ways you can,
In all the places you can,
At all the times you can,
To all the people you can,
As long as ever you can."

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In A Nutshell:

Here is a letter I sent to Dr. Phil which really sums everything up:
I am married to my high-school sweetheart (20 years this August), with two wonderful children (Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13). I have two sisters, both younger – I call them “my good sister” and “my bad sister”. My good sister is – well, good! Normal in every way. The bad one, Julie, has been in trouble since she was a kid. As a baby she cried all of the time. As a teenager she was in trouble all of the time. At the age of 14 or so I remember that she had run away from home to live with a grown man in Atlanta. This was one of many run a ways. As a teenager, she provided sexual favors to boys in school, as well as teachers. As a young adult she was arrested for prostitution. She’s done drugs ranging from marijuana to crack. She was diagnosed early on as bi-polar with personality disorder. She’s also a serious cutter to the point where she no longer hid the cuts. She’s cut things like “Ronald Cecchinni” into her arm… and “Fuck you Dr. XXX” on her stomach, in large letters. Julie is also a diagnosed sex-addict. She’s also recently (in the past year) begun ‘huffing’. (I honestly believe that this huffing has caused some permanent damage) She is currently 36yo.
Julie lost her husband Ron a year and a half ago as a result of Leukemia and Kidney Disease which the military attributed to his serving in the Gulf War. He left behind three children – Kayla who is now 15, Justin who is now 14 and Kayte who is now 13. Even when Julie was married, her psychiatric problems persisted. She has been hospitalized literally hundreds of times over the years. However, when her husband was alive, he would take care of the kids when Julie was mentally out of control. After Ron died, Julie lost control of the kids and her life. She began to spiral out of control, having pot parties at her home (to the point where the kids said a door would open and a cloud of smoke would come bellowing out of the room), smoking weed with her own kids, having sex all over the house with different men all the time, allowing young men (19 yo) to sleep over with her oldest daughter (only 14 at the time), and allowing Gang members to live in her home (she said she felt ‘safe’ with them there). In addition, she was attempting suicide daily, overdosing on medications hoping to not wake up the next morning. Mind you all of this while she was seeing her Psychologist every week and Psychiatrist once a month. Both of these Doctors knew what was going on at home, neither of them reported it to the proper authorities. I have even been told by one of them that he was told, by Julie, that she ‘heard voices telling her to hurt the children’ but that she was proud that she could ignore the voices. Still, these Doctors reported nothing.
I should add here that it was at some point in this period of time in Julie’s life when her children began suicide watches over their mom… each one taking turns to sit in a room with her at all hours (night and day) because their mom was less-likely to hurt herself while they were here. However, it didn’t always work – Julie constantly took pills in front of them trying to either dope herself up or overdose, and she would even cut herself in front of the kids.
Finally one day, she woke up furious that her last suicide attempt didn’t work. She got violent with her oldest daughter, police were called, and finally DCF was called. (I would like to add that we (other family members) had called DCF in the past to report things, but some of the cases were ‘unfounded’ and one other time the fled the state knowing CF only had jurisdiction in Florida.) DCF removed the children from the home in November 2005 and I gained custody of the Children shortly thereafter.
There are lots of things I could add here about my sister, DCF, and the horrible Foster Care or Custodial Care program we are involved with. However, that is not my main reason for writing to you.
Kayte, the youngest, seems to be adjusting pretty well. She has a tendency to trivialize what her mom has done and the seriousness of it, but I think that is normal given that it is her mom. Kayte was in counseling, but she feels it’s ‘a waste of time’.
Justin, the middle child, is okay. As a young boy I'm told he was a terror. He used to hit his mother and at one point (only 6yo) tried to jump off a building to kill himself. Since then, his anger has turned in to an endless smothering of love and caring. He does everything for his mom… from getting her whatever she needs to rubbing her feet and back. Justin has seen a psychiatrist since moving in with me who felt that his issues were brought on by trauma. It was also at that visit with the psychiatrist that he confided in myself and the Doctor that he had suicidal thoughts often while living at home with his mom in her ‘state of being’ after his dad died. However, since he moved in with me he has done so much better (and continues to improve daily) that she didn’t feel he even needed counseling at this time. He would, however, need counseling before he was reunited with his mom.
Kayla, the oldest, has serious issues. She is also currently in counseling but feels that it is ‘a waste of time’. Kayla has always lied and stolen things. Family members feel sorry for her because you can tell that she doesn’t really mean any ill will by it, but it’s been ‘the way she is’ for a very long time. By far her biggest problems are lying and her need for approval by men (young and old).
Since the kids have moved in with us, my husband and I have set up rules. The kids already had myspace accounts, so we set ground rules for it. 1) We needed the login names and passwords. 2) Profiles must be set to private. 3) The only people they were allowed to have on their friends list was people that they actually knew. When Kayla’s list climbed over 300, and she was found to have inappropriate conversations (wanting to sneak out and ‘hook up’ with young men), we made everyone cut their list down to 30 friends, which included myself. 4) All vulgar language and inappropriate photos would come off immediately and would be monitored by myself at any given time. At times, they try to put up ‘sexy’ pictures which immediately need to come down.
However recently I have found that she has multiple website things going on in an attempt to pick up young men. I'll outline a few here so that you understand the gravity of the situation: 1) I found her 'normal' myspace account set to 'public view'. She has over 11,000 profile views(meaning people looking at her pictures and wanting to know more about her). I had reset it to private many times, but she keeps going back and resetting it to public. 2) I have found another myspace account which she went by the name 'Shannon' and used it to pick up young men, tease them, then later tell them that she was 'taken' but refer them to her 'cousin, Kayla'. She'd then give them all of Kayla's information. Of course thiswas also set to public. 3) I have found another social network website that was like myspace in which she had ONLY men (mostly from other states) as her 'friends' whom she corresponded with. The emails back and forth basically said the same thing as all of the others... more on that in #4 - only these were guys that not only did she not know, but they were not even in the area! 4) All accounts that I have found had basically the same thing... her emailing guys wanting to know if she was pretty, if they wanted to 'hook up', talking about going to their 'crib' or meeting up with them somewhere, and constantly seeking approval and affirmation from these guys.
I believe she gets this from her mom. And the sad thing is, if you met her, you would love her. She is truly a GREAT kid… but she has serious issues. I’ve described to you Julie’s behavior and Kayla’s seems to be the same way. Neither can make decisions on their own that are ‘the right thing to do’, and both lack the understanding of simple values, morals and ethics. I could go into so many examples. How do I describe the utterly amazing difference between Julie’s parenting style and my own?
I know... Both Julie and I have myspace accounts set up to ‘monitor’ the kids. To illustrate the difference between Julie and myself, here is something that Julie and I both put on our myspace accounts. You are supposed to put something 'about yourself' by your picture. Here is mine: "I'm 38 years old. I have two amazing kids, Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13. I have great husband, Chris. I love to sing - and have been singing in Toast of Tampa Show Chorus for 10 years. I'm raising my nieces and nephew (12, 13 and 14). I love God and my family."And here is Julie's: "I am who I am and if you dont like me for me........FUCK YOU........ Plus if you dont like me for me....... Im gunna tell my kids and there gunna kick yer ass!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Here’s the other dilemma we are having; the two girls are in counseling that is costing me $25 EACH in co-payments every time they go. The State of Florida provides NO financial support to me as a relative caregiver, other than providing the three kids with Medicaid. They received small SSI checks because of their dad’s death, but it barely covers the food they consume. The DCF worker, having spoke with the girls and being told that therapy is ‘a waste of time’, has referred me to a clinic that DCF uses for cases such as this to seek mental care for Kayla (aswell as the others). However, the kids have TriCare as their primary insurance because their dad died from Military causes. TriCare requires the co-payment, regardless of the Medicaid secondary. Having said that, please understand that I worked in referrals in a primary care physician’s office for 16 years… I totally ‘get’ what is required for primary and secondary insurances and all the red tape. But because of the uniqueness of this situation, the kids are suffering!
I should also point out here that I have the kids for an indefinite period of time. Right now Julie is doing things that she has been told to do to get the kids back. However, she is still awaiting a court ordered detailed Psychiatric exam to determine if she can EVER parent again. Even if that Psychiatrist feels she can parent again, she’ll most likely need to be ‘clean’ and ‘episode-free’ for 6 months to a year minimum. In addition, Julie is only allowed supervised visits and one phone call a day. This came about because of her inappropriate behavior when she was with the kids and because when she was allowed to call any time she’d call 10 + times a day.
The other problem with Julie ever getting her children back is that… she doesn’t understand what she did wrong. She parents as if she were 15-years old herself. If anyone has ever done something bad and been able to ‘keep’ their kids, she sees no reason she can’t do it. She brought her daughter at the age of 13 in for a HUGE tattoo on the small of her back. It’s Tigger flipping ‘the bird’ with her gang name under it. She was also planning on getting a large tattoo on her 12yo before the kids were taken. Again, she sees nothing wrong with any of her past behavior.
So, you see, I could have these children for the rest of their teenage years. I honestly don’t know where to turn to get them the help they need.
I feel as if I am in a psychiatric nightmare and I just can’t wake up. Eight months ago I was at home, my biggest ‘kid worry’ was if my son was going to get good grades on his report card. Now I find myself in a crux worried about whether or not the lessons I teach them, this late in their young life, are going to be enough to turn these kids around and help them to be productive adults in the near future.

Tina's Daily Blog

Monday, February 05, 2007

Kids Kids Kids

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In A Nutshell: