The Music Won't Last

It's just a 'blah' kind of day today. Thought it would be good to blog.

Julie's visit last night went very well.

She sent me an email yesterday telling me that she had read my blog and wanted to clear up a few things. She started by saying something about in my blog - how I say she sits on the sofa while at my house. Well, she explained that she did that to be in the 'center' of the house. I get that, no biggie. I explained that it wasn't 'where' she sat, it was how and that she was so demanding and needy while there. Last night she was much more conscious of this and it was great. Then she said that her house wasn't 'dirty'. I explained that I didn't mean 'don't clean up' kind of dirty, I meant things like the walls and such that the kids touch... and those WERE dirty. But please y'all, don't misunderstand... Julie is bipolar and extremely manic quite a bit. Her house was and is - VERY clean for the most part. I remember once she actually scrubbed her floors so much the tile began to wear.

Julie even got onto the kids about their watching "Jackass 2, Unrated". She wanted them to return it to her, but they brought it to their FRIENDS house for her to watch, so they couldn't give it back to her. I FLIPPED when I heard they brought it over someone's house. What would HER mother think of ME if she saw that movie? Oh my gosh!!!! Anyways......

Those were really the main things Julie picked out of my blog that she wanted me to clarify - so there ya go - I clarified for all of you too. She also told me that one of her friends (from her bipolar chat group) read my blog and was going to send me a nasty email or something like that. Well, I didn't get anything - but I told Julie --- this is my journal -- a window into my soul. I'm not going to apologize for anything I put in here. I'm VERY careful to never say anything 'too' personal nor to say anything downright mean or even 'wrong'. But it IS all about my feelings.

So, with all of this in mind... I find myself reflecting quite a bit today. Why do I blog? Am I just splattering my personal life all over the Internet for the world to see? No... I know that's not true. So.... why?? Sure I feel better when I blog, but why????

Have you ever had one of those times when you are driving down the road, say to work or something... someplace you've been a zillion times. All the sudden, you look up and realize you don't remember how you got to where you are right now??? Like... you just 'brain-farted' the last 10 miles or so??

I find myself doing that a LOT. Thinking about how I had no more than 2 kids on purpose - and HOW did I get to five?? Thinking about my neat little life and cozy little house - and HOW did it get this crazy???? Remembering when Julie was just my wild sister and that was just her life, and HOW did it get to where I'm in the parental role for her in her life?????? Remembering Ron being the strong father who loved his kids so deeply, worked hard, loved golf, built a home for his family, and HOW did it happen that God took him at such a young age, and now **I** am raising his kids??? How did I get here????

But don't read that wrong... I'm not unhappy. I do realize it's a blessing. And how fortunate we are to have God working in our lives every single day and to feel His presence. But sometimes it's just unfathomable that we are where we are right now. Like I must have blinked and missed an obvious and reasonable transition period. I couldn't have just woken up one day to have this all fall onto my lap. And yet............... it pretty much did.

And how does blogging fit into all of it? Well, I can easily look back and see how I got from one point to another. I can easily look back and see how far the kids have come. I can easily see how my struggles now are nothing in comparison to my struggles a year ago.

Sigh........... just a reflection kind of day.

I'm thinking of Pastor Matthew's message from last Sunday... "Slaying Giants" about David and Goliath, and reflecting on our own personal 'giants'. I was surprised to find myself having to really think HARD about my 'giants'. I suppose the most blaring 'giant' should be financial... but - God always finds a way to provide. Relationships? Well, Chris and I are doing remarkably well. Raising kids is something we are good at, and - believe it or not - what happened with us getting them actually helped our relationship. Addictions? Well, don't have any of those. Wait... I do, but it's a small one. You don't really want to know about that, do you?? You do??? Sigh..... Okay, I'm going to put it in print ONCE. I rarely even acknowledge it out loud. I am.... I am addicted to nasal spray. I have been for.... 14 years. I use it about 4 times a day. But it's not a normal addiction... not like pot or alcohol or anything like that. Nasal spray is DESIGNED by it's chemical nature to open nasal passages and then - in hours - MAKES them swell back up again. It's called 'rebound'. So, it's not like I'm jonesing for it, it's a physical reaction caused by the very item used to treat it. Chris totally doesn't 'get it'. I've seen doctors, a specialist even. The specialist (who knows a lot about this and said there are a LOT of people out there like me) says that just stopping won't help, nor will non-steroidal prescription sprays. He wants me on a mega-dose of steroids. And... that causes weight gain and tremendous swelling. So, I put it off and have been putting it off for a long time. I should go back to the specialist and just get on the steroids... but.... I dunno. Insurance. Deductibles. Time off work. It's just easier to buy a $2.00 bottle every week. Sigh............ there............... I said it. My big secret. My family reading this has probably fallen out of their chairs over the fact that I just admitted to this in such a public forum. But -- hey -- it's MY journal, right? My place to talk and feel safe -- right?? How did I get from having no 'giants' to that?? I dunno............. quick Tina, change the subject.

So, the kids' Grandma Gwen and Grandpa Coley are coming down this weekend. They are SO excited. I haven't seen Coley since Ron's funeral. The kids say he's a GREAT cook, and I hope he makes them something while here. They are staying at a hotel, even though I told them they are more than welcome to stay here. They'll be in at 10 am tomorrow morning. We might go to the State Fair on Sunday... I haven't really decided yet. It's arm-band day.... $25 bucks a person is not all that bad. But times 6, plus Gwen and Coley... well... we'll just see what happens. If it's meant to be, it'll be.

Oh my goodnes.... the Middle Schoolers just got home and got their progress reports.

Kayte did wonderfully..... 4 A's, 1 B and 1 C. WOOOOOOw

Jonathan did not so well..... 2 A's, 1 C, 2 D's and an F. Holy cow. I am so disappointed, I really thought he was going to do well this 9 weeks. I don't even know what else to say..... he's going to be on lock-down restriction yet again and has to work hard to get himself OUT of the hole -- again. Didn't I just say a few minutes ago that I was 'good' at parenting?? Maybe not.

Sigh.... I've got to run... and I'll leave you with this today:

SLOW DANCE
Have you ever watched kids
On a merry-go-round?
Or listened to the rain
Slapping on the ground?
Ever followed a butterfly's
erratic flight?
Or gazed at the sun
into the fading night?
You better slow down.
Don't dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't last.

Do you run through each day
On the fly?
When you ask "How are you?"
Do you hear the reply?
When the day is done
Do you lie in your bed
With the next hundred chores
Running through your head?
You'd better slow down
Don't dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't last.

Ever told your child,
We'll do it tomorrow?
And in your haste,
Not see his sorrow?
Ever lost touch,
Let a good friendship die
Cause you never had time
To call and say "Hi"?
You'd better slow down.
Don't dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won't last.

When you run so fast to get somewhere
You miss half the fun of getting there.
When you worry and hurry through your day,
It is like an unopened gift.... Thrown away.
Life is not a race.
Do take it slower
Hear the music
Before the song is over.