Tina's Daily Blog: Mornings, Medicine and Men

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Mornings, Medicine and Men

How do you start your day? I'm beginning to wonder if there is an easier way for me to start mine.

Typically my evening ends somewhere around 11 at night. I should mention that I am one of those people who functions best on 8 hours of sleep.

At 5-ish in the morning, I wake up – EVERY morning. I look over at the alarm clock and wonder to myself “what time to the kids have to get up again?” Yes… every morning, in the haze of it being so ding-dang early, I forget what time they get up. Like the movie “Ground Hog Day”, you’d think I’d remember one morning, but no. Then I remember that the two high schoolers have to catch the bus at 6:40, and Justin is usually up about 5:30 or so. Great… if I fall asleep between now and 5:30 and he oversleeps, then what? But he’s only missed the bus once or twice, so I think to myself, “come on Tina – go back to sleep”. I shut my eyes hoping and praying to not wake up until 7:40 but I usually wake back up about 5:30 again.

I listen for Justin to be up…. Sometimes he’s not up and I go to wake him up, but usually find him sitting up in bed, trying to slowly wake himself up. (I personally can NOT do that!) So, after either waking up and knowing he’s up or going to see for sure if he’s up, I head back into bed to try to sleep. Try being the operative word here. I try, but I can hear them showering, looking for clothes and/or book bags. But I usually do fall back asleep, only to wake up frantic – EVERY morning – at almost exactly 6:30.

This is the time when they realize they are going to miss the bus if they don’t get out the door by 6:35. I can literally hear running in the house at this point. One kid leaves…. **slam** the front door shuts; oblivious to the fact that there are 4 sleeping people in the house. The other kid (usually Justin) is still frantically looking for something. Funny really that Kayla is the first one out the door since she gets up at 6:15 and is ready by 6:30. But Justin usually makes it out the door JUST in time.

I look at the clock, it reads 6:38, **slam** the front door slams harder this time and I hear running footsteps. Then the sound of the bus (our bed is in front of three huge windows, 102 inches wide and go from the floor to the ceiling. Oh, and they are older windows so sound, breeze, sun, everything comes right through them.) But anyways… I hear the revving of the motor and then the air brakes of the bus and I hope and pray Justin has run fast enough to catch it. I get up and look at the clock again. EVERY morning. Then I try to go back to sleep. Usually if I'm going to have a panic attack this is about the time. I started worrying about them catching the bus on time, then I start thinking of all the other things I have to worry about. I try to stop, but it’s hard once you’ve started… work… bills… to-do lists… housework… termites… the car…. All kinds of things come to mind. I try to shut it down, sometimes I'm successful, sometimes I'm not. But regardless, I try to go back to sleep.

But… the cats are now awake and ‘need’ loving every morning. 6:45 and you hear “meowwww”. If we left the door cracked open the kids would wake us up (by us I guess I mean Chris, huh?). If I keep it closed they meow and meow and meow until we listen. So… I get up and let Grace in. The two don’t usually come in together. Grace comes in and INSISTS on being loved on for about 5 or 10 minutes. Then she wants out. I get up to let her out and try to get back to sleep.

I don’t need to get up until 7:40 (to leave by 7:45). So I’ve really got time to sleep, if I could only get more than 10 or 15 minutes at one time. But then… 7:30 or so, Jinx decides he needs to come in for some loving. He’s VERY lovable and prefers to love on Chris, but he’ll also want it from me. Try to let Jinx love on us and still get my 10 more minutes of sleep I'm due. As IF that’s gonna happen! Just when Jinx is done demanding attention and love, it’s 7:40 and my alarm clock is going off. Grrrrreat.

Now… I’ve found that if I take a ‘happy pill’ at bedtime, I can usually sleep until the door slams at 6:30-ish. Further, I’ve no worries with a panic attack and have no problem going back to sleep – AND – I slept like a rock all night. I don’t take them all the time of course, but I have noticed it – and it makes me wonder… am I one of those who should be on one of those sleep aid pills they advertise on TV all the time? I wonder if they’d help?? Or should I just get up when I get up and not try to go back to sleep? But then... should I go to bed earlier? ARGHHH

In a week all the kids will all graduate and officially be high schoolers – all four of them. Then it’ll be insane with FOUR trying to get ready at the same time. Yuck yuck yuck! I remember that from Middle School… the schedule was VERY precise and nobody could oversleep or shower too long without it throwing off everyone else. Totally not looking forward to that. :o)

I found out today that the kids will not be chosen for Summer Camp this year. I’ve been calling every week since April 2nd to find out who needs to sign the application – and every week the same woman tells me she doesn’t know and that as soon as she has the info, she’ll call me as well as everyone else on her ‘list’. Today they told me they are already ‘full’. I left a message for the supervisor to complain about it… I shouldn’t have to call this much to get information, then told the camp is full. Not really fair! We’ll see what happens with that.

Kayla started her first ever job last night! She’s working at Taco Bell/KFC on Ehrlich. She is the only girl who works nights and said that by far the worst part of her job was fending off dirty old men who were trying to ‘hook up’ with her all night long. By dirty old men she naturally meant 30-ish men. It’s sad though that this was her first impression of the working environment. I know what she means though… I’ve been with the girls when we go places and men keep looking at them, and it really hacks me off. One time we were in the car with the top down and some guy tried to get Kayte’s phone number. I yelled at him “She’s freaking 12 years old!” Do guys think it doesn’t matter??? Have we sunk that low in society? Of course, Kayla is taller and looks older, so I get less offended when it’s her. Although, it’s still wrong. She should not have had THAT many people ask her for her phone number and if they could ‘chill’ that it made her that uncomfortable on her first day of work. Just sad.

I’ve got to run and get ready for choir practice. I was asked to sing on the Memorial Day praise team... which kind of makes the decision for me about whether or not I can sing at that service. Now I've got to do it, so I'm going to just suck up my emotions and get through it.

Instead of looking for a miracle in your life, look to see if you are the miracle in someone else's life. Nola Rohde Vollmer

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In A Nutshell:

Here is a letter I sent to Dr. Phil which really sums everything up:
I am married to my high-school sweetheart (20 years this August), with two wonderful children (Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13). I have two sisters, both younger – I call them “my good sister” and “my bad sister”. My good sister is – well, good! Normal in every way. The bad one, Julie, has been in trouble since she was a kid. As a baby she cried all of the time. As a teenager she was in trouble all of the time. At the age of 14 or so I remember that she had run away from home to live with a grown man in Atlanta. This was one of many run a ways. As a teenager, she provided sexual favors to boys in school, as well as teachers. As a young adult she was arrested for prostitution. She’s done drugs ranging from marijuana to crack. She was diagnosed early on as bi-polar with personality disorder. She’s also a serious cutter to the point where she no longer hid the cuts. She’s cut things like “Ronald Cecchinni” into her arm… and “Fuck you Dr. XXX” on her stomach, in large letters. Julie is also a diagnosed sex-addict. She’s also recently (in the past year) begun ‘huffing’. (I honestly believe that this huffing has caused some permanent damage) She is currently 36yo.
Julie lost her husband Ron a year and a half ago as a result of Leukemia and Kidney Disease which the military attributed to his serving in the Gulf War. He left behind three children – Kayla who is now 15, Justin who is now 14 and Kayte who is now 13. Even when Julie was married, her psychiatric problems persisted. She has been hospitalized literally hundreds of times over the years. However, when her husband was alive, he would take care of the kids when Julie was mentally out of control. After Ron died, Julie lost control of the kids and her life. She began to spiral out of control, having pot parties at her home (to the point where the kids said a door would open and a cloud of smoke would come bellowing out of the room), smoking weed with her own kids, having sex all over the house with different men all the time, allowing young men (19 yo) to sleep over with her oldest daughter (only 14 at the time), and allowing Gang members to live in her home (she said she felt ‘safe’ with them there). In addition, she was attempting suicide daily, overdosing on medications hoping to not wake up the next morning. Mind you all of this while she was seeing her Psychologist every week and Psychiatrist once a month. Both of these Doctors knew what was going on at home, neither of them reported it to the proper authorities. I have even been told by one of them that he was told, by Julie, that she ‘heard voices telling her to hurt the children’ but that she was proud that she could ignore the voices. Still, these Doctors reported nothing.
I should add here that it was at some point in this period of time in Julie’s life when her children began suicide watches over their mom… each one taking turns to sit in a room with her at all hours (night and day) because their mom was less-likely to hurt herself while they were here. However, it didn’t always work – Julie constantly took pills in front of them trying to either dope herself up or overdose, and she would even cut herself in front of the kids.
Finally one day, she woke up furious that her last suicide attempt didn’t work. She got violent with her oldest daughter, police were called, and finally DCF was called. (I would like to add that we (other family members) had called DCF in the past to report things, but some of the cases were ‘unfounded’ and one other time the fled the state knowing CF only had jurisdiction in Florida.) DCF removed the children from the home in November 2005 and I gained custody of the Children shortly thereafter.
There are lots of things I could add here about my sister, DCF, and the horrible Foster Care or Custodial Care program we are involved with. However, that is not my main reason for writing to you.
Kayte, the youngest, seems to be adjusting pretty well. She has a tendency to trivialize what her mom has done and the seriousness of it, but I think that is normal given that it is her mom. Kayte was in counseling, but she feels it’s ‘a waste of time’.
Justin, the middle child, is okay. As a young boy I'm told he was a terror. He used to hit his mother and at one point (only 6yo) tried to jump off a building to kill himself. Since then, his anger has turned in to an endless smothering of love and caring. He does everything for his mom… from getting her whatever she needs to rubbing her feet and back. Justin has seen a psychiatrist since moving in with me who felt that his issues were brought on by trauma. It was also at that visit with the psychiatrist that he confided in myself and the Doctor that he had suicidal thoughts often while living at home with his mom in her ‘state of being’ after his dad died. However, since he moved in with me he has done so much better (and continues to improve daily) that she didn’t feel he even needed counseling at this time. He would, however, need counseling before he was reunited with his mom.
Kayla, the oldest, has serious issues. She is also currently in counseling but feels that it is ‘a waste of time’. Kayla has always lied and stolen things. Family members feel sorry for her because you can tell that she doesn’t really mean any ill will by it, but it’s been ‘the way she is’ for a very long time. By far her biggest problems are lying and her need for approval by men (young and old).
Since the kids have moved in with us, my husband and I have set up rules. The kids already had myspace accounts, so we set ground rules for it. 1) We needed the login names and passwords. 2) Profiles must be set to private. 3) The only people they were allowed to have on their friends list was people that they actually knew. When Kayla’s list climbed over 300, and she was found to have inappropriate conversations (wanting to sneak out and ‘hook up’ with young men), we made everyone cut their list down to 30 friends, which included myself. 4) All vulgar language and inappropriate photos would come off immediately and would be monitored by myself at any given time. At times, they try to put up ‘sexy’ pictures which immediately need to come down.
However recently I have found that she has multiple website things going on in an attempt to pick up young men. I'll outline a few here so that you understand the gravity of the situation: 1) I found her 'normal' myspace account set to 'public view'. She has over 11,000 profile views(meaning people looking at her pictures and wanting to know more about her). I had reset it to private many times, but she keeps going back and resetting it to public. 2) I have found another myspace account which she went by the name 'Shannon' and used it to pick up young men, tease them, then later tell them that she was 'taken' but refer them to her 'cousin, Kayla'. She'd then give them all of Kayla's information. Of course thiswas also set to public. 3) I have found another social network website that was like myspace in which she had ONLY men (mostly from other states) as her 'friends' whom she corresponded with. The emails back and forth basically said the same thing as all of the others... more on that in #4 - only these were guys that not only did she not know, but they were not even in the area! 4) All accounts that I have found had basically the same thing... her emailing guys wanting to know if she was pretty, if they wanted to 'hook up', talking about going to their 'crib' or meeting up with them somewhere, and constantly seeking approval and affirmation from these guys.
I believe she gets this from her mom. And the sad thing is, if you met her, you would love her. She is truly a GREAT kid… but she has serious issues. I’ve described to you Julie’s behavior and Kayla’s seems to be the same way. Neither can make decisions on their own that are ‘the right thing to do’, and both lack the understanding of simple values, morals and ethics. I could go into so many examples. How do I describe the utterly amazing difference between Julie’s parenting style and my own?
I know... Both Julie and I have myspace accounts set up to ‘monitor’ the kids. To illustrate the difference between Julie and myself, here is something that Julie and I both put on our myspace accounts. You are supposed to put something 'about yourself' by your picture. Here is mine: "I'm 38 years old. I have two amazing kids, Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13. I have great husband, Chris. I love to sing - and have been singing in Toast of Tampa Show Chorus for 10 years. I'm raising my nieces and nephew (12, 13 and 14). I love God and my family."And here is Julie's: "I am who I am and if you dont like me for me........FUCK YOU........ Plus if you dont like me for me....... Im gunna tell my kids and there gunna kick yer ass!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Here’s the other dilemma we are having; the two girls are in counseling that is costing me $25 EACH in co-payments every time they go. The State of Florida provides NO financial support to me as a relative caregiver, other than providing the three kids with Medicaid. They received small SSI checks because of their dad’s death, but it barely covers the food they consume. The DCF worker, having spoke with the girls and being told that therapy is ‘a waste of time’, has referred me to a clinic that DCF uses for cases such as this to seek mental care for Kayla (aswell as the others). However, the kids have TriCare as their primary insurance because their dad died from Military causes. TriCare requires the co-payment, regardless of the Medicaid secondary. Having said that, please understand that I worked in referrals in a primary care physician’s office for 16 years… I totally ‘get’ what is required for primary and secondary insurances and all the red tape. But because of the uniqueness of this situation, the kids are suffering!
I should also point out here that I have the kids for an indefinite period of time. Right now Julie is doing things that she has been told to do to get the kids back. However, she is still awaiting a court ordered detailed Psychiatric exam to determine if she can EVER parent again. Even if that Psychiatrist feels she can parent again, she’ll most likely need to be ‘clean’ and ‘episode-free’ for 6 months to a year minimum. In addition, Julie is only allowed supervised visits and one phone call a day. This came about because of her inappropriate behavior when she was with the kids and because when she was allowed to call any time she’d call 10 + times a day.
The other problem with Julie ever getting her children back is that… she doesn’t understand what she did wrong. She parents as if she were 15-years old herself. If anyone has ever done something bad and been able to ‘keep’ their kids, she sees no reason she can’t do it. She brought her daughter at the age of 13 in for a HUGE tattoo on the small of her back. It’s Tigger flipping ‘the bird’ with her gang name under it. She was also planning on getting a large tattoo on her 12yo before the kids were taken. Again, she sees nothing wrong with any of her past behavior.
So, you see, I could have these children for the rest of their teenage years. I honestly don’t know where to turn to get them the help they need.
I feel as if I am in a psychiatric nightmare and I just can’t wake up. Eight months ago I was at home, my biggest ‘kid worry’ was if my son was going to get good grades on his report card. Now I find myself in a crux worried about whether or not the lessons I teach them, this late in their young life, are going to be enough to turn these kids around and help them to be productive adults in the near future.

Tina's Daily Blog

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Mornings, Medicine and Men

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