Tina's Daily Blog: Sneaky Teens and Runaways

Sunday, May 20, 2007

Sneaky Teens and Runaways

Kids have a week left of school... and everyone is in gear to finish well. Kayla is the only one with a D right now, and it's in computer class. Since she isn't allowed ON the computer at home I really can't say much about it, other than 'keep trying to do better'.

Prayers would be very much appreciated (and needed) for my mom. She had total knee replacement done earlier this week and is having a tough recoup. I talked to her today... it was kind of funny actually... my sister Katie had just given me the "you're a bad daughter" speech because I had not yet made it to the hospital to see her. I thought I better call mom and let her know what my plans were for today so she'd know I'm not home floating in a raft on the pool working on my tan, we're just crazy busy. The hospital is a good 45 min away, one way, so it's got to be a trip in which I have a couple hours to give. So, I call mom and immediately say "Mom, I know I should come up and see you, but we've been so busy: we sang at church yesterday afternoon then all morning today, Kayla went to work right from there, Jono had quartet, Justin to baseball, then Church tonight.... I really just can't get in the car right now and come see you, but I AM totally wishing I were there Mom. I love you." Mom responds with "Oh my gosh, please do NOT come see me right now. I feel horrible, I hurt, I'm drugged, and I really don't want to see anyone when I'm like this. Please plan to come and see me later, when I'm feeling better." Of course, being the comedian mom loves me for, I respond with: "What did I just say to you? Well.... what I really meant was I'm on my way down to see you right now with a big bouquet of flowers and all. But, if you'd really rather I stay home today and come see you later, **heavy sigh**, I guess I can do that instead." Too funny. I know she feels really awful right now and I'm sure she'd feel better knowing that people all over are praying for her. Please keep mom, June, in your prayers for a speedy recovery.

The kids are doing okay. We had an interesting run-in with one of the totally unexpected kids - Kayte. Chris and I came in from Church Saturday night and Kayte is on the stairs - wet from head to toe (in her pajamas). She runs down, and right out back. In the hallway is her friend Suzanna and some guy friend of Suzanna that we don't know. IN the house. Chris - in retired "Corrections Officer" mode senses immediately that 'something is wrong'. He heads around back where he sees two guys, one black on Hispanic, going out the back gate. WDF? Chris comes in -- fuming. Who's in our house when we are not home? Why? Are people allowed in the house when we are not home? NO! We immediately tell everyone to leave and sit Kayte down to talk with her.

Now... Kayte is a different kind of kid. She doesn't 'act' like you would think she should in a situation like this. She handles it VERY well, said she's sorry, she knows what she did wrong, and that she will accept whatever punishment we deem necessary. We decided, since there were 4 kids 'unauthorized' in the house (one is always okay, he's another boy down the street who practically lives here) - she would lose her cell phone for 4 days. So, she explains what happens, accepts her punishment and apologizes. Sigh.....

Speaking of the boy down the street, we had a sad happening with him last night. At about 11pm or so last night, Justin comes downstairs and tells me that this young man is in our driveway crying, could I please go check on him. I go outside and sure enough... there he is.... crying his eyes out. I hug him, tell him it's going to be okay, and then he really starts to cry. Poor guy.

He'd had a fight with his mom and dad and decided to 'run away from home'. He mentions his dad hit him, so I take him inside for Chris and I to try to figure out what to do with him. Long story short, his dad was just discipling him. He has been acting out a lot lately; failing several classes in school; going WAY over his minutes on his phone - then refusing to just give his mom the cell phone so she was forced to call and cancel his contract; playing on the computer until the wee hours of the morning when his mom and dad thought he was sleeping. Just... pushing the line with his parents over and over again. When we decided that we completely felt the parents were discipling not abusing, we knew we had to talk to the parents.

We went down the street to talk to his mom, asked her to give us 10 minutes more to talk to him, then she could come down and pick him up. When he left he was much better. Chris and I were very proud of the way we handled the situation, and found it......... gratifying. :o) As I've said before about how we feel when we got the kids in the beginning... parenting is something Chris and I do well. It's nice when we get to use skills we've learned.

We had one phone call from Julie yesterday which got Chris FUMING mad. She called about Kayla who has broken up with her boyfriend (but only for 4 or 5 days Kayla says). Julie kept asking him: Is she still on 'the shot' (birth control)? Was she late for it? Are we sure she's current? And that she is not ready to be a grandma, those kinds of things. Chris just yelled at her saying that WE WERE HANDLING IT.

He was offended that Julie would think anything else, and I don't blame him one bit for that.

There has been one time since the kids started living with us that Julie found out 'something' that she should have shared with us immediately. This was recently, and it was important, and telling us about it would have been the responsible thing to do. But she didn't... and I think partly because she wanted to maintain some sense of parental privacy. I understand that to some degree; there are certain things that my kids tell me I would never tell a single sole - EVER. But... when you are the mom and yet -- you are not the one parenting... it's a little harder to do, ya know? But.... this isn't something you read about how to handle in a Parenting magazine really.

So... I think when Julie comes over on Wednesday we are going to have to discuss these kinds of things. The three of us, Julie, Chris and Myself. Julie is really trying now, and I don't want anything to get her off track, ya know? She's been doing so well. :o)

Speaking of, Julie saw her new psychiatrist! The doctor is taking her off some of the high doses of medications she is on. She tells me that one of them was prescribed at more than twice the maximum recommended dose. She tells me that the supervisor for the doctor came into the room to meet her. He hadn't seen someone on THAT much medication, and he was floored that she was alert, talking, coherent, and was even able to drive. Funny really. They are going to do some adjusting on her medications, which will be hard for Julie I know. Hard for two reasons, 1) she won't 'feel' as well and may want to self medicate and 2) she will not do well the whole time they are working on her doses... she'll get bad and they'll realize they need to tweak something else. It's expected and necessary, and I hope that it doesn't deter Julie from sticking it out and giving these new doctors a shot at trying to help her.

Julie is coming over with all her medications on Wednesday and I get the fun of filling up her pill containers for her. Mom was doing this, but since she's out of commission for now, I'll do it for her. Julie has done really well since she has what she's supposed to take and ONLY what she is supposed to take in a container. No more, no less. Julie, if you are reading this... just make sure on Wednesday that you bring everything over and we'll keep the excess here.

I better run.... I'm on my lunch break and need to go eat something before I head back to work.

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In A Nutshell:

Here is a letter I sent to Dr. Phil which really sums everything up:
I am married to my high-school sweetheart (20 years this August), with two wonderful children (Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13). I have two sisters, both younger – I call them “my good sister” and “my bad sister”. My good sister is – well, good! Normal in every way. The bad one, Julie, has been in trouble since she was a kid. As a baby she cried all of the time. As a teenager she was in trouble all of the time. At the age of 14 or so I remember that she had run away from home to live with a grown man in Atlanta. This was one of many run a ways. As a teenager, she provided sexual favors to boys in school, as well as teachers. As a young adult she was arrested for prostitution. She’s done drugs ranging from marijuana to crack. She was diagnosed early on as bi-polar with personality disorder. She’s also a serious cutter to the point where she no longer hid the cuts. She’s cut things like “Ronald Cecchinni” into her arm… and “Fuck you Dr. XXX” on her stomach, in large letters. Julie is also a diagnosed sex-addict. She’s also recently (in the past year) begun ‘huffing’. (I honestly believe that this huffing has caused some permanent damage) She is currently 36yo.
Julie lost her husband Ron a year and a half ago as a result of Leukemia and Kidney Disease which the military attributed to his serving in the Gulf War. He left behind three children – Kayla who is now 15, Justin who is now 14 and Kayte who is now 13. Even when Julie was married, her psychiatric problems persisted. She has been hospitalized literally hundreds of times over the years. However, when her husband was alive, he would take care of the kids when Julie was mentally out of control. After Ron died, Julie lost control of the kids and her life. She began to spiral out of control, having pot parties at her home (to the point where the kids said a door would open and a cloud of smoke would come bellowing out of the room), smoking weed with her own kids, having sex all over the house with different men all the time, allowing young men (19 yo) to sleep over with her oldest daughter (only 14 at the time), and allowing Gang members to live in her home (she said she felt ‘safe’ with them there). In addition, she was attempting suicide daily, overdosing on medications hoping to not wake up the next morning. Mind you all of this while she was seeing her Psychologist every week and Psychiatrist once a month. Both of these Doctors knew what was going on at home, neither of them reported it to the proper authorities. I have even been told by one of them that he was told, by Julie, that she ‘heard voices telling her to hurt the children’ but that she was proud that she could ignore the voices. Still, these Doctors reported nothing.
I should add here that it was at some point in this period of time in Julie’s life when her children began suicide watches over their mom… each one taking turns to sit in a room with her at all hours (night and day) because their mom was less-likely to hurt herself while they were here. However, it didn’t always work – Julie constantly took pills in front of them trying to either dope herself up or overdose, and she would even cut herself in front of the kids.
Finally one day, she woke up furious that her last suicide attempt didn’t work. She got violent with her oldest daughter, police were called, and finally DCF was called. (I would like to add that we (other family members) had called DCF in the past to report things, but some of the cases were ‘unfounded’ and one other time the fled the state knowing CF only had jurisdiction in Florida.) DCF removed the children from the home in November 2005 and I gained custody of the Children shortly thereafter.
There are lots of things I could add here about my sister, DCF, and the horrible Foster Care or Custodial Care program we are involved with. However, that is not my main reason for writing to you.
Kayte, the youngest, seems to be adjusting pretty well. She has a tendency to trivialize what her mom has done and the seriousness of it, but I think that is normal given that it is her mom. Kayte was in counseling, but she feels it’s ‘a waste of time’.
Justin, the middle child, is okay. As a young boy I'm told he was a terror. He used to hit his mother and at one point (only 6yo) tried to jump off a building to kill himself. Since then, his anger has turned in to an endless smothering of love and caring. He does everything for his mom… from getting her whatever she needs to rubbing her feet and back. Justin has seen a psychiatrist since moving in with me who felt that his issues were brought on by trauma. It was also at that visit with the psychiatrist that he confided in myself and the Doctor that he had suicidal thoughts often while living at home with his mom in her ‘state of being’ after his dad died. However, since he moved in with me he has done so much better (and continues to improve daily) that she didn’t feel he even needed counseling at this time. He would, however, need counseling before he was reunited with his mom.
Kayla, the oldest, has serious issues. She is also currently in counseling but feels that it is ‘a waste of time’. Kayla has always lied and stolen things. Family members feel sorry for her because you can tell that she doesn’t really mean any ill will by it, but it’s been ‘the way she is’ for a very long time. By far her biggest problems are lying and her need for approval by men (young and old).
Since the kids have moved in with us, my husband and I have set up rules. The kids already had myspace accounts, so we set ground rules for it. 1) We needed the login names and passwords. 2) Profiles must be set to private. 3) The only people they were allowed to have on their friends list was people that they actually knew. When Kayla’s list climbed over 300, and she was found to have inappropriate conversations (wanting to sneak out and ‘hook up’ with young men), we made everyone cut their list down to 30 friends, which included myself. 4) All vulgar language and inappropriate photos would come off immediately and would be monitored by myself at any given time. At times, they try to put up ‘sexy’ pictures which immediately need to come down.
However recently I have found that she has multiple website things going on in an attempt to pick up young men. I'll outline a few here so that you understand the gravity of the situation: 1) I found her 'normal' myspace account set to 'public view'. She has over 11,000 profile views(meaning people looking at her pictures and wanting to know more about her). I had reset it to private many times, but she keeps going back and resetting it to public. 2) I have found another myspace account which she went by the name 'Shannon' and used it to pick up young men, tease them, then later tell them that she was 'taken' but refer them to her 'cousin, Kayla'. She'd then give them all of Kayla's information. Of course thiswas also set to public. 3) I have found another social network website that was like myspace in which she had ONLY men (mostly from other states) as her 'friends' whom she corresponded with. The emails back and forth basically said the same thing as all of the others... more on that in #4 - only these were guys that not only did she not know, but they were not even in the area! 4) All accounts that I have found had basically the same thing... her emailing guys wanting to know if she was pretty, if they wanted to 'hook up', talking about going to their 'crib' or meeting up with them somewhere, and constantly seeking approval and affirmation from these guys.
I believe she gets this from her mom. And the sad thing is, if you met her, you would love her. She is truly a GREAT kid… but she has serious issues. I’ve described to you Julie’s behavior and Kayla’s seems to be the same way. Neither can make decisions on their own that are ‘the right thing to do’, and both lack the understanding of simple values, morals and ethics. I could go into so many examples. How do I describe the utterly amazing difference between Julie’s parenting style and my own?
I know... Both Julie and I have myspace accounts set up to ‘monitor’ the kids. To illustrate the difference between Julie and myself, here is something that Julie and I both put on our myspace accounts. You are supposed to put something 'about yourself' by your picture. Here is mine: "I'm 38 years old. I have two amazing kids, Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13. I have great husband, Chris. I love to sing - and have been singing in Toast of Tampa Show Chorus for 10 years. I'm raising my nieces and nephew (12, 13 and 14). I love God and my family."And here is Julie's: "I am who I am and if you dont like me for me........FUCK YOU........ Plus if you dont like me for me....... Im gunna tell my kids and there gunna kick yer ass!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Here’s the other dilemma we are having; the two girls are in counseling that is costing me $25 EACH in co-payments every time they go. The State of Florida provides NO financial support to me as a relative caregiver, other than providing the three kids with Medicaid. They received small SSI checks because of their dad’s death, but it barely covers the food they consume. The DCF worker, having spoke with the girls and being told that therapy is ‘a waste of time’, has referred me to a clinic that DCF uses for cases such as this to seek mental care for Kayla (aswell as the others). However, the kids have TriCare as their primary insurance because their dad died from Military causes. TriCare requires the co-payment, regardless of the Medicaid secondary. Having said that, please understand that I worked in referrals in a primary care physician’s office for 16 years… I totally ‘get’ what is required for primary and secondary insurances and all the red tape. But because of the uniqueness of this situation, the kids are suffering!
I should also point out here that I have the kids for an indefinite period of time. Right now Julie is doing things that she has been told to do to get the kids back. However, she is still awaiting a court ordered detailed Psychiatric exam to determine if she can EVER parent again. Even if that Psychiatrist feels she can parent again, she’ll most likely need to be ‘clean’ and ‘episode-free’ for 6 months to a year minimum. In addition, Julie is only allowed supervised visits and one phone call a day. This came about because of her inappropriate behavior when she was with the kids and because when she was allowed to call any time she’d call 10 + times a day.
The other problem with Julie ever getting her children back is that… she doesn’t understand what she did wrong. She parents as if she were 15-years old herself. If anyone has ever done something bad and been able to ‘keep’ their kids, she sees no reason she can’t do it. She brought her daughter at the age of 13 in for a HUGE tattoo on the small of her back. It’s Tigger flipping ‘the bird’ with her gang name under it. She was also planning on getting a large tattoo on her 12yo before the kids were taken. Again, she sees nothing wrong with any of her past behavior.
So, you see, I could have these children for the rest of their teenage years. I honestly don’t know where to turn to get them the help they need.
I feel as if I am in a psychiatric nightmare and I just can’t wake up. Eight months ago I was at home, my biggest ‘kid worry’ was if my son was going to get good grades on his report card. Now I find myself in a crux worried about whether or not the lessons I teach them, this late in their young life, are going to be enough to turn these kids around and help them to be productive adults in the near future.

Tina's Daily Blog

Sunday, May 20, 2007

Sneaky Teens and Runaways

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