Tina's Daily Blog: Warning.... Grumpy Today

Friday, May 11, 2007

Warning.... Grumpy Today

**Reminder to self: I should not blog grumpy. Oh well... here goes anyways...**

Well, I had a horrible night last night. What was supposed to have been a lovely evening (jeez, did I say 'lovely evening? That sounded like my grandmother for a second) with just mom and her three girls just didn't happen. Well, eventually it sorta-happened... but it was far from stress free.

I had new tires put on my Mustang maybe 3 weeks ago. I'm driving down the Veterans expressway to meet mom, Katie and Julie at Maggiano's - my mom's most favorite Italian restaurant (and I LOVE it as well!!). I don't get to eat there much because it's expensive (unless you go to the happy hour early stuff that my mom takes advantage of) and also because it's about 40 minutes away from our home up here in Carrollwood. The plan was to get down South, pick up a card for mom, then meet at the restaurant. I was SO prepared... had it all worked out... I had a small credit card I have with just enough on it to cover dinner expenses. (Remember I was worried about not having enough in the bank). Everything seemed to be going my way. I enjoyed getting dressed up, putting on makeup, wearing nice clothes... I don't do that much for my job and it feels good to look good. :o)

I'm driving down the Veterans expressway when I suddenly realize I have a flat. A bad flat, not a whomp-whomp-whomp, but rather - metal screeching can hardly hold in on the road kind of flat. I am just peaking over a small hill and pull off as best I can. I realize I am sticking out in the road (I'm in the left lane, but the right and left sides were the same at this stretch of road, equally bad places to stop). I pull over as far as I can... I can't even open my door as it's right up against the metal guard rail. Still, I'm about 4 inches over the line and cars are WHIZZING BY lightening fast. I can feel my little car picking up slightly with each car that goes by over 60 mph. I tighten up with each pass, feeling I'm going to get hit. I call Chris. I know I've got to do something, I can't stay here, I'll be hit. But I'm sitting on the rim and you shouldn't drive it like that. He tells me I have to pull up to safety and he's on his way to rescue me. (My hero!)

I pull up to a patch of bushes about 50 yards in front of me. I'm so close to the bushes I still can't open the driver's side door, so I emerge out the passenger side. I have about a foot maybe a foot and a half clearance from the yellow line. Still cars WHIZZING by, not even changing lanes to avoid scaring the bajeezus out of me. I know Chris is on his way, but I need to do something - I'm a fix-it kinda gal who just can't sit like a damsel in distress waiting for my man to come and rescue me. Gotta get my hands dirty to help take care of myself.

I open the trunk and realize that we didn't replace my donut tire when we got the 4 new tires put on. We figured, 4 brand-spankin-new tires... we had some time before we'd need to buy a new donut tire. WRONG! So, I can't change the tire, they are going to have to pull this off and get it fixed. So, I pull out the jack and managed to jack the darn thing myself. (It's not an easy jack to work, it's small and a pain in the butt) I say 'managed' like that because the cars driving by were SO close, I had to face traffic so that if a car got too close I could move a little, pulling myself right up against the car. Drivers were CLUELESS.... not slowing down.... not stopping to help.... nothing. I was wearing a jacket and the cars going by were so fast that my jacket kept flying up behind me due to the wind velocity and I could feel the jacket hit the cars that came too close. Not once, not twice, many times. Scary as heck, let me tell you.

I might point out here that only ONE PERSON (and that was AFTER I had the car up on the jack) stopped to help. When I was thin, roughly 120 - 130 pounds, and broke down, I swear to God, must have been 10 men stopped to see if I was okay. That was the expressway as well. It just blows my mind away that it could possibly by related... but I would have to assume so. Anyways....

Chris and Wayne arrive to help me. They bring two cans of fix-a-flat with them. As he puts it in, the stuff spews out the hole. There is a hole in the tire so big you can put your finger in it. Not a small nail... something big caused this. So... we roll the tire onto the hole, put the fix a flat in, then drove fast as hell to a gas station about a mile away. Tire got completely flat again by the time we got there, so we put in the other can and aired it up at the gas station, then drove it another quarter mile or so to the tire place. It was about 5 till 7, they were just getting ready to close.

They tell us the tire was ruined from driving it flat. I believe them, chunks of tire were spewing out of the hole when we put in the fix-a-flat. A brand-damn-new tire... ruined. Thank God I had that credit card I was going to use for dinner, I had exactly enough to buy a new tire instead.

Chris and Wayne (my heroes) take off to go home, I decide to meet up with Mom and my sisters to try and redeem whatever might be left of our fantabulous mothers day dinner. They were finished eating, but saved a little for me. I got some leftovers, dessert, and a coke. Yummy. Of course, it then hit me that I had arrived with nothing in hand to say "I love you mommy"... no card... nothing. Only filthy hands, all scraped up from using the jack on the ragged street, sweaty, makeup running, and a bit frazzled from the chaos of the whole ordeal. Mom, being the good mom she is, told me it didn't matter... time with her is all she wanted.

Julie said a couple things at dinner that kinda weirded me out. One thing she said was that she hated it that I called the kids "Rhocchini" in my blog and when I talk about the whole gang here. I explained why... that I don't want someone to be able to google their last name and come up with a hit on the kids, first and foremost. Second, I used to talk about the Rhodes kids and then the C*cchini kids, but it's just too much... Rhocchini is just easy and sums up both families. Julie feels that she's somehow LOST something as a result of this. Not the ordeal itself, my 'calling' the blended family "Rhocchini". I don't understand that at all.

Katie actually got pretty upset about it, and quickly reminded Julie that SHE was the cause of all of this, that I (Tina) came into it like a champ and did what needed to be done to keep the kids out of foster care. Pretty much saying that I should be able to call them whatever the hell I want and Julie damn well better not say a ding-dang thing about it. It wasn't a heated debate there, just conversation really. Katie and I talked about it later. She pointed out that Julie tends to act as if she is not "grateful" and.... she's right. Julie really doesn't SHOW gratitude very well, even when she is. She tries at times... she bought me the most beautiful card for Mother's Day... it's perfect. She helps or at least offers to help with dinners and things when she comes over. But it's hard to see it often times.

Frankly, I'm just grumpy right now. Flat out grumpy. Dinner is cooking. Kids are scattered (but hopefully will be home in time to eat dinner). I've got nothing to drink, not soda or kool aid (course what I'd really like on this Friday night is a glass of wine) - but nothing but water here at the moment. I'm still slightly stressed about the LLC jobs. Our music director at church, Jason, has stepped down 'for a while' (how that makes me grumpy is that I really love this guy... he's smart and talented and a joy to sing for and with -- my heart is breaking for whatever he is going through right now). Singing makes me happy, Jason was great to sing for, and so I'm grumpy about this too. Chris is in the living room, music loud, singing, plucking notes out on the piano, as he was just asked to sing this Sunday in place of Jason. Course, it would be easier to listen to him practicing if I were holding a glass of wine... but I digress....

A friend from Church yesterday gave me a surprise. A sweet card and a candle. I don't even remember the last time a friend ever just gave me something like that 'just because'. I was so moved. I've had a lot of help with the kids since getting them for the first time back in November 05, but I don't recall a 'just because' and just for me. It was sweet. I think I'll go light it right now and see if it'll help with my mood. :o)

There............... that's better. Except that dinner is now ready and the kids are not home. Then again, neither is my husband........... ARGHHHHHHHHH

Did you know how the USA started celebrating Mother's Day? I just researched it and found that a woman, Julia Ward Howe, wrote a Proclamation to 'advocate the need of official celebration' of Mother's Day in the USA in 1870. Not only was she successful (as a result of this proclamation yearly observances began to take place on the second Sunday of May) - she's also the woman who became famous as the writer of the Civil War song, 'The Battle Hymn of the Republic'.

Here was the Mothers' Day Proclamation which started everything back in 1870. Enjoy:

Arise, then, women of this day! Arise all women who have hearts, whether your baptism be of water or of tears! Say firmly: "We will not have questions decided by irrelevant agencies. Our husbands shall not come to us reeking of carnage for caresses and applause. Our sons shall not be taken from us to unlearn all that we have been able to teach them of charity, mercy, and patience. We women of one country will be too tender to those of another country to allow our sons to be trained to injure theirs."

From the bosom of a devastated Earth a voice goes up with our own. It says "Disarm! Disarm!" The sword of murder is not the balance of justice. Blood does not wipe out dishonor, nor violence indicate possession.

As men have forsaken the plow and the anvil at the summons of war, let women now leave all that may be left of home for a great and earnest day of counsel. Let them meet first as women, to bewail and commemorate the dead. Let them solemnly take counsel with each other as to the means whereby the great human family can live in peace, each bearing after his time the sacred impress not of Caesar, but of God.

In the name of womanhood and humanity, I earnestly ask that a general congress of women without limit of nationality be appointed and held at some place deemed most convenient and at the earliest period consistent with its objects, to promote the alliance of the different nationalities, the amicable settlement of international questions, the great and general interests of peace.

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In A Nutshell:

Here is a letter I sent to Dr. Phil which really sums everything up:
I am married to my high-school sweetheart (20 years this August), with two wonderful children (Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13). I have two sisters, both younger – I call them “my good sister” and “my bad sister”. My good sister is – well, good! Normal in every way. The bad one, Julie, has been in trouble since she was a kid. As a baby she cried all of the time. As a teenager she was in trouble all of the time. At the age of 14 or so I remember that she had run away from home to live with a grown man in Atlanta. This was one of many run a ways. As a teenager, she provided sexual favors to boys in school, as well as teachers. As a young adult she was arrested for prostitution. She’s done drugs ranging from marijuana to crack. She was diagnosed early on as bi-polar with personality disorder. She’s also a serious cutter to the point where she no longer hid the cuts. She’s cut things like “Ronald Cecchinni” into her arm… and “Fuck you Dr. XXX” on her stomach, in large letters. Julie is also a diagnosed sex-addict. She’s also recently (in the past year) begun ‘huffing’. (I honestly believe that this huffing has caused some permanent damage) She is currently 36yo.
Julie lost her husband Ron a year and a half ago as a result of Leukemia and Kidney Disease which the military attributed to his serving in the Gulf War. He left behind three children – Kayla who is now 15, Justin who is now 14 and Kayte who is now 13. Even when Julie was married, her psychiatric problems persisted. She has been hospitalized literally hundreds of times over the years. However, when her husband was alive, he would take care of the kids when Julie was mentally out of control. After Ron died, Julie lost control of the kids and her life. She began to spiral out of control, having pot parties at her home (to the point where the kids said a door would open and a cloud of smoke would come bellowing out of the room), smoking weed with her own kids, having sex all over the house with different men all the time, allowing young men (19 yo) to sleep over with her oldest daughter (only 14 at the time), and allowing Gang members to live in her home (she said she felt ‘safe’ with them there). In addition, she was attempting suicide daily, overdosing on medications hoping to not wake up the next morning. Mind you all of this while she was seeing her Psychologist every week and Psychiatrist once a month. Both of these Doctors knew what was going on at home, neither of them reported it to the proper authorities. I have even been told by one of them that he was told, by Julie, that she ‘heard voices telling her to hurt the children’ but that she was proud that she could ignore the voices. Still, these Doctors reported nothing.
I should add here that it was at some point in this period of time in Julie’s life when her children began suicide watches over their mom… each one taking turns to sit in a room with her at all hours (night and day) because their mom was less-likely to hurt herself while they were here. However, it didn’t always work – Julie constantly took pills in front of them trying to either dope herself up or overdose, and she would even cut herself in front of the kids.
Finally one day, she woke up furious that her last suicide attempt didn’t work. She got violent with her oldest daughter, police were called, and finally DCF was called. (I would like to add that we (other family members) had called DCF in the past to report things, but some of the cases were ‘unfounded’ and one other time the fled the state knowing CF only had jurisdiction in Florida.) DCF removed the children from the home in November 2005 and I gained custody of the Children shortly thereafter.
There are lots of things I could add here about my sister, DCF, and the horrible Foster Care or Custodial Care program we are involved with. However, that is not my main reason for writing to you.
Kayte, the youngest, seems to be adjusting pretty well. She has a tendency to trivialize what her mom has done and the seriousness of it, but I think that is normal given that it is her mom. Kayte was in counseling, but she feels it’s ‘a waste of time’.
Justin, the middle child, is okay. As a young boy I'm told he was a terror. He used to hit his mother and at one point (only 6yo) tried to jump off a building to kill himself. Since then, his anger has turned in to an endless smothering of love and caring. He does everything for his mom… from getting her whatever she needs to rubbing her feet and back. Justin has seen a psychiatrist since moving in with me who felt that his issues were brought on by trauma. It was also at that visit with the psychiatrist that he confided in myself and the Doctor that he had suicidal thoughts often while living at home with his mom in her ‘state of being’ after his dad died. However, since he moved in with me he has done so much better (and continues to improve daily) that she didn’t feel he even needed counseling at this time. He would, however, need counseling before he was reunited with his mom.
Kayla, the oldest, has serious issues. She is also currently in counseling but feels that it is ‘a waste of time’. Kayla has always lied and stolen things. Family members feel sorry for her because you can tell that she doesn’t really mean any ill will by it, but it’s been ‘the way she is’ for a very long time. By far her biggest problems are lying and her need for approval by men (young and old).
Since the kids have moved in with us, my husband and I have set up rules. The kids already had myspace accounts, so we set ground rules for it. 1) We needed the login names and passwords. 2) Profiles must be set to private. 3) The only people they were allowed to have on their friends list was people that they actually knew. When Kayla’s list climbed over 300, and she was found to have inappropriate conversations (wanting to sneak out and ‘hook up’ with young men), we made everyone cut their list down to 30 friends, which included myself. 4) All vulgar language and inappropriate photos would come off immediately and would be monitored by myself at any given time. At times, they try to put up ‘sexy’ pictures which immediately need to come down.
However recently I have found that she has multiple website things going on in an attempt to pick up young men. I'll outline a few here so that you understand the gravity of the situation: 1) I found her 'normal' myspace account set to 'public view'. She has over 11,000 profile views(meaning people looking at her pictures and wanting to know more about her). I had reset it to private many times, but she keeps going back and resetting it to public. 2) I have found another myspace account which she went by the name 'Shannon' and used it to pick up young men, tease them, then later tell them that she was 'taken' but refer them to her 'cousin, Kayla'. She'd then give them all of Kayla's information. Of course thiswas also set to public. 3) I have found another social network website that was like myspace in which she had ONLY men (mostly from other states) as her 'friends' whom she corresponded with. The emails back and forth basically said the same thing as all of the others... more on that in #4 - only these were guys that not only did she not know, but they were not even in the area! 4) All accounts that I have found had basically the same thing... her emailing guys wanting to know if she was pretty, if they wanted to 'hook up', talking about going to their 'crib' or meeting up with them somewhere, and constantly seeking approval and affirmation from these guys.
I believe she gets this from her mom. And the sad thing is, if you met her, you would love her. She is truly a GREAT kid… but she has serious issues. I’ve described to you Julie’s behavior and Kayla’s seems to be the same way. Neither can make decisions on their own that are ‘the right thing to do’, and both lack the understanding of simple values, morals and ethics. I could go into so many examples. How do I describe the utterly amazing difference between Julie’s parenting style and my own?
I know... Both Julie and I have myspace accounts set up to ‘monitor’ the kids. To illustrate the difference between Julie and myself, here is something that Julie and I both put on our myspace accounts. You are supposed to put something 'about yourself' by your picture. Here is mine: "I'm 38 years old. I have two amazing kids, Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13. I have great husband, Chris. I love to sing - and have been singing in Toast of Tampa Show Chorus for 10 years. I'm raising my nieces and nephew (12, 13 and 14). I love God and my family."And here is Julie's: "I am who I am and if you dont like me for me........FUCK YOU........ Plus if you dont like me for me....... Im gunna tell my kids and there gunna kick yer ass!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Here’s the other dilemma we are having; the two girls are in counseling that is costing me $25 EACH in co-payments every time they go. The State of Florida provides NO financial support to me as a relative caregiver, other than providing the three kids with Medicaid. They received small SSI checks because of their dad’s death, but it barely covers the food they consume. The DCF worker, having spoke with the girls and being told that therapy is ‘a waste of time’, has referred me to a clinic that DCF uses for cases such as this to seek mental care for Kayla (aswell as the others). However, the kids have TriCare as their primary insurance because their dad died from Military causes. TriCare requires the co-payment, regardless of the Medicaid secondary. Having said that, please understand that I worked in referrals in a primary care physician’s office for 16 years… I totally ‘get’ what is required for primary and secondary insurances and all the red tape. But because of the uniqueness of this situation, the kids are suffering!
I should also point out here that I have the kids for an indefinite period of time. Right now Julie is doing things that she has been told to do to get the kids back. However, she is still awaiting a court ordered detailed Psychiatric exam to determine if she can EVER parent again. Even if that Psychiatrist feels she can parent again, she’ll most likely need to be ‘clean’ and ‘episode-free’ for 6 months to a year minimum. In addition, Julie is only allowed supervised visits and one phone call a day. This came about because of her inappropriate behavior when she was with the kids and because when she was allowed to call any time she’d call 10 + times a day.
The other problem with Julie ever getting her children back is that… she doesn’t understand what she did wrong. She parents as if she were 15-years old herself. If anyone has ever done something bad and been able to ‘keep’ their kids, she sees no reason she can’t do it. She brought her daughter at the age of 13 in for a HUGE tattoo on the small of her back. It’s Tigger flipping ‘the bird’ with her gang name under it. She was also planning on getting a large tattoo on her 12yo before the kids were taken. Again, she sees nothing wrong with any of her past behavior.
So, you see, I could have these children for the rest of their teenage years. I honestly don’t know where to turn to get them the help they need.
I feel as if I am in a psychiatric nightmare and I just can’t wake up. Eight months ago I was at home, my biggest ‘kid worry’ was if my son was going to get good grades on his report card. Now I find myself in a crux worried about whether or not the lessons I teach them, this late in their young life, are going to be enough to turn these kids around and help them to be productive adults in the near future.

Tina's Daily Blog

Friday, May 11, 2007

Warning.... Grumpy Today

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In A Nutshell: