Tina's Daily Blog: Broken Chairs and Kitten

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Broken Chairs and Kitten

I almost forgot to tell you all....

When we got back from the beach - we sat down to dinner on Saturday night at the dining room table. There are 6 of us on a 'normal' night (sometimes 7 or 8 depending on what friends are over) and so we use all 6 dining room chairs at least. Occasionally we'll have to pull one or two or even all 4 from the kitchen table. Anyways, we pulled out one of the chairs and -- the back came off. Well, it's broken. REEEEEEAAAALLLY broken - spindles out, two outer spindles broken off completely. Chris and I were like... "Okay, who did it??" Sigh........

Kayla originally took the blame - but Kayla is a horrible liar. We soon found out that the kid who lives down the street, Sean (who practically lives here) had leaned back in the chair last Saturday before we left, fell back, then in getting up stepped on it or something like that. When it happened, all the kids talked about it and everyone agreed to 'let Kayla take the blame' because Sean had already broken so much in the house. Jeez Louise.

Needless to say were were not happy that this happened, and sadly - we were not surprised either. One more broken thing... added to the list....

Julie is back in the hospital. She got out yesterday but had to go back today because she couldn't breathe well. They are checking her for some kind of pulmonary obstruction - she said she can't even get up and go to the bathroom without having to have oxygen when she returns to the bed. How sad is that? I originally thought she might be going back in for more pain medication, but they don't have her on anything strong there. Well, Percocet - which is strong - but compared to Dilaudid and Morphine, it's nothing.

They also can't get her diabetes under control. The nurse today told me that she's on medication which will bring it up, but shouldn't bring it up to over 500 while she is on a diabetic diet. So... they really don't know what is wrong with her yet.

The kids talk to Julie every night, and I of course listen in on the conversations. The only thing that bordered 'wrong' in my opinion was a conversation again with Justin. Julie was talking to Justin last night and Julie mentioned that the doctor wanted her to go back to the hospital but she didn't want to go. Justin urged his mom to go to the hospital if that's what the doctors wanted her to do. Now... that wasn't hurtful or really 'wrong'.... but Julie needs to get Justin OUT of the parent or spouse role in their relationship. She needs to talk to him about his baseball, school, etc. Don't put him in the position to have to tell her "mommy you really should do what the doctors want you to do." It's just not right - it forces him to be the caregiver and/or the adult in the conversation.

Do you know what Justin was talking about doing when he turned 18? Moving in and taking care of his mom. Julie even talked about giving him the house (ensuring he would be there with her). Geez... how sad! These kids need to grow up and start their OWN lives. It surely is what Ron would have wanted. If Julie needs someone to take care of her... she should find a husband.

Anyways... I didn't even talk to Julie about this yet. Again, mostly because it wasn't really 'wrong' -- it's just something that I think is unhealthy.

Jonathan is next to me right now playing the piano. It's truly amazing what he's learned to do in such a short period of time! He's got genuine talent... I've GOT to get him into piano lessons! ARGHHH

Speaking of spending money... we're going to get the house tented for termites probably in August sometime. We need 2 - 3 days out of the house, but yet still stay close to home so I can work early mornings (I am NOT a morning person). I might have the kids go to friends houses for those 2-3 days so that if we get a hotel, we won't need two rooms. I don't know - we haven't really nailed down the details yet. But the day before we left for vacation we had another swarm of dry-wood termites in our bedroom. When we returned, a hefty mess of sawdust in the middle of the kitchen floor. We've GOT to get it done this year.

Jonathan had one heck of an attitude with me today. Sigh.... He's growing up and getting into that 'talk back' and 'attitude' stage. I just HATE that teenage stage. I can't really say why he's going through it and Kayla, Justin and Kayte don't talk back/smart off/show attitude... but they don't. Maybe just because I'm not 'mom' to them, ya know? Maybe because of all the trauma with their dad and then their mom? But Jonathan sure showed his butt today for sure.

I found out, after a very long discussion with him at lunch today, that he's the kind of kid who likes to be told how good he is... or how proud you are of him... or how much you love him. Not show him, not buy him things.... tell him. So I'm going to make a conscious effort to do so.

We also discussed many other things. He wants to be treated like an adult or older teenager - but.... he can't remember to take his medicine on his own, can't remember to take a shower on his own, won't brush his teeth on his own, do his chores on his own, etc..... he needs to be reminded of these things all the time. I told him that if he could make a conscious effort to do these things without being asked... to step up to the plate and act more 'adult' or 'older teenager' -- that I would certainly do my part to start treating him as if he were more responsible. Ah jeez, I guess I am so lucky that I'm going through this right now with just Jonathan, not all four at once, eh?

Did I tell you we picked up another kitten? She was outside our door the other night and Jonathan found her - and he couldn't leave her outside. (Sound familiar mom?) He's got SUCH a big heart. We discussed options... first tried to take her to the park and let her 'play' (i.e. leave her and hope she finds another home) -- but Jonathan couldn't leave her. Then Jonathan took her to a friend's house who said he might keep the kitten, but he didn't and she ended up back home with us. Jinx likes her pretty well, Grace is not happy but is tolerant of her. We discussed taking her to the Humane Society, but they might put her to sleep if nobody takes her. So... she's with us and we are trying to find her a home. If I can ever figure out how to send my phone picture to my email, I'll get a picture of her and post it here.

Sunday was Julie's birthday and she was supposed to come over Wednesday night for her normal dinner and us have a special birthday dinner for her. (Do I make a cake for a diabetics birthday?) Looks like she's not going to make it since she is again in the hospital. I might take the kids to go see her tomorrow night. Chris will be going down to visit Doug... and so I thought it would be nice for the kids to visit with her. We'll see - not sure if I can do it or if I feel up to driving all the way down to Brandon... but we'll see.

I better run.... I've got to get to bed. Please keep Julie in your prayers. Pray that they find out what is wrong with her breathing and with her diabetes.

Matthew 6:19-34
I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? "And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labour or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendour was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, "What shall we eat?" or "What shall we drink?" or "What shall we wear?" For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

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In A Nutshell:

Here is a letter I sent to Dr. Phil which really sums everything up:
I am married to my high-school sweetheart (20 years this August), with two wonderful children (Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13). I have two sisters, both younger – I call them “my good sister” and “my bad sister”. My good sister is – well, good! Normal in every way. The bad one, Julie, has been in trouble since she was a kid. As a baby she cried all of the time. As a teenager she was in trouble all of the time. At the age of 14 or so I remember that she had run away from home to live with a grown man in Atlanta. This was one of many run a ways. As a teenager, she provided sexual favors to boys in school, as well as teachers. As a young adult she was arrested for prostitution. She’s done drugs ranging from marijuana to crack. She was diagnosed early on as bi-polar with personality disorder. She’s also a serious cutter to the point where she no longer hid the cuts. She’s cut things like “Ronald Cecchinni” into her arm… and “Fuck you Dr. XXX” on her stomach, in large letters. Julie is also a diagnosed sex-addict. She’s also recently (in the past year) begun ‘huffing’. (I honestly believe that this huffing has caused some permanent damage) She is currently 36yo.
Julie lost her husband Ron a year and a half ago as a result of Leukemia and Kidney Disease which the military attributed to his serving in the Gulf War. He left behind three children – Kayla who is now 15, Justin who is now 14 and Kayte who is now 13. Even when Julie was married, her psychiatric problems persisted. She has been hospitalized literally hundreds of times over the years. However, when her husband was alive, he would take care of the kids when Julie was mentally out of control. After Ron died, Julie lost control of the kids and her life. She began to spiral out of control, having pot parties at her home (to the point where the kids said a door would open and a cloud of smoke would come bellowing out of the room), smoking weed with her own kids, having sex all over the house with different men all the time, allowing young men (19 yo) to sleep over with her oldest daughter (only 14 at the time), and allowing Gang members to live in her home (she said she felt ‘safe’ with them there). In addition, she was attempting suicide daily, overdosing on medications hoping to not wake up the next morning. Mind you all of this while she was seeing her Psychologist every week and Psychiatrist once a month. Both of these Doctors knew what was going on at home, neither of them reported it to the proper authorities. I have even been told by one of them that he was told, by Julie, that she ‘heard voices telling her to hurt the children’ but that she was proud that she could ignore the voices. Still, these Doctors reported nothing.
I should add here that it was at some point in this period of time in Julie’s life when her children began suicide watches over their mom… each one taking turns to sit in a room with her at all hours (night and day) because their mom was less-likely to hurt herself while they were here. However, it didn’t always work – Julie constantly took pills in front of them trying to either dope herself up or overdose, and she would even cut herself in front of the kids.
Finally one day, she woke up furious that her last suicide attempt didn’t work. She got violent with her oldest daughter, police were called, and finally DCF was called. (I would like to add that we (other family members) had called DCF in the past to report things, but some of the cases were ‘unfounded’ and one other time the fled the state knowing CF only had jurisdiction in Florida.) DCF removed the children from the home in November 2005 and I gained custody of the Children shortly thereafter.
There are lots of things I could add here about my sister, DCF, and the horrible Foster Care or Custodial Care program we are involved with. However, that is not my main reason for writing to you.
Kayte, the youngest, seems to be adjusting pretty well. She has a tendency to trivialize what her mom has done and the seriousness of it, but I think that is normal given that it is her mom. Kayte was in counseling, but she feels it’s ‘a waste of time’.
Justin, the middle child, is okay. As a young boy I'm told he was a terror. He used to hit his mother and at one point (only 6yo) tried to jump off a building to kill himself. Since then, his anger has turned in to an endless smothering of love and caring. He does everything for his mom… from getting her whatever she needs to rubbing her feet and back. Justin has seen a psychiatrist since moving in with me who felt that his issues were brought on by trauma. It was also at that visit with the psychiatrist that he confided in myself and the Doctor that he had suicidal thoughts often while living at home with his mom in her ‘state of being’ after his dad died. However, since he moved in with me he has done so much better (and continues to improve daily) that she didn’t feel he even needed counseling at this time. He would, however, need counseling before he was reunited with his mom.
Kayla, the oldest, has serious issues. She is also currently in counseling but feels that it is ‘a waste of time’. Kayla has always lied and stolen things. Family members feel sorry for her because you can tell that she doesn’t really mean any ill will by it, but it’s been ‘the way she is’ for a very long time. By far her biggest problems are lying and her need for approval by men (young and old).
Since the kids have moved in with us, my husband and I have set up rules. The kids already had myspace accounts, so we set ground rules for it. 1) We needed the login names and passwords. 2) Profiles must be set to private. 3) The only people they were allowed to have on their friends list was people that they actually knew. When Kayla’s list climbed over 300, and she was found to have inappropriate conversations (wanting to sneak out and ‘hook up’ with young men), we made everyone cut their list down to 30 friends, which included myself. 4) All vulgar language and inappropriate photos would come off immediately and would be monitored by myself at any given time. At times, they try to put up ‘sexy’ pictures which immediately need to come down.
However recently I have found that she has multiple website things going on in an attempt to pick up young men. I'll outline a few here so that you understand the gravity of the situation: 1) I found her 'normal' myspace account set to 'public view'. She has over 11,000 profile views(meaning people looking at her pictures and wanting to know more about her). I had reset it to private many times, but she keeps going back and resetting it to public. 2) I have found another myspace account which she went by the name 'Shannon' and used it to pick up young men, tease them, then later tell them that she was 'taken' but refer them to her 'cousin, Kayla'. She'd then give them all of Kayla's information. Of course thiswas also set to public. 3) I have found another social network website that was like myspace in which she had ONLY men (mostly from other states) as her 'friends' whom she corresponded with. The emails back and forth basically said the same thing as all of the others... more on that in #4 - only these were guys that not only did she not know, but they were not even in the area! 4) All accounts that I have found had basically the same thing... her emailing guys wanting to know if she was pretty, if they wanted to 'hook up', talking about going to their 'crib' or meeting up with them somewhere, and constantly seeking approval and affirmation from these guys.
I believe she gets this from her mom. And the sad thing is, if you met her, you would love her. She is truly a GREAT kid… but she has serious issues. I’ve described to you Julie’s behavior and Kayla’s seems to be the same way. Neither can make decisions on their own that are ‘the right thing to do’, and both lack the understanding of simple values, morals and ethics. I could go into so many examples. How do I describe the utterly amazing difference between Julie’s parenting style and my own?
I know... Both Julie and I have myspace accounts set up to ‘monitor’ the kids. To illustrate the difference between Julie and myself, here is something that Julie and I both put on our myspace accounts. You are supposed to put something 'about yourself' by your picture. Here is mine: "I'm 38 years old. I have two amazing kids, Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13. I have great husband, Chris. I love to sing - and have been singing in Toast of Tampa Show Chorus for 10 years. I'm raising my nieces and nephew (12, 13 and 14). I love God and my family."And here is Julie's: "I am who I am and if you dont like me for me........FUCK YOU........ Plus if you dont like me for me....... Im gunna tell my kids and there gunna kick yer ass!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Here’s the other dilemma we are having; the two girls are in counseling that is costing me $25 EACH in co-payments every time they go. The State of Florida provides NO financial support to me as a relative caregiver, other than providing the three kids with Medicaid. They received small SSI checks because of their dad’s death, but it barely covers the food they consume. The DCF worker, having spoke with the girls and being told that therapy is ‘a waste of time’, has referred me to a clinic that DCF uses for cases such as this to seek mental care for Kayla (aswell as the others). However, the kids have TriCare as their primary insurance because their dad died from Military causes. TriCare requires the co-payment, regardless of the Medicaid secondary. Having said that, please understand that I worked in referrals in a primary care physician’s office for 16 years… I totally ‘get’ what is required for primary and secondary insurances and all the red tape. But because of the uniqueness of this situation, the kids are suffering!
I should also point out here that I have the kids for an indefinite period of time. Right now Julie is doing things that she has been told to do to get the kids back. However, she is still awaiting a court ordered detailed Psychiatric exam to determine if she can EVER parent again. Even if that Psychiatrist feels she can parent again, she’ll most likely need to be ‘clean’ and ‘episode-free’ for 6 months to a year minimum. In addition, Julie is only allowed supervised visits and one phone call a day. This came about because of her inappropriate behavior when she was with the kids and because when she was allowed to call any time she’d call 10 + times a day.
The other problem with Julie ever getting her children back is that… she doesn’t understand what she did wrong. She parents as if she were 15-years old herself. If anyone has ever done something bad and been able to ‘keep’ their kids, she sees no reason she can’t do it. She brought her daughter at the age of 13 in for a HUGE tattoo on the small of her back. It’s Tigger flipping ‘the bird’ with her gang name under it. She was also planning on getting a large tattoo on her 12yo before the kids were taken. Again, she sees nothing wrong with any of her past behavior.
So, you see, I could have these children for the rest of their teenage years. I honestly don’t know where to turn to get them the help they need.
I feel as if I am in a psychiatric nightmare and I just can’t wake up. Eight months ago I was at home, my biggest ‘kid worry’ was if my son was going to get good grades on his report card. Now I find myself in a crux worried about whether or not the lessons I teach them, this late in their young life, are going to be enough to turn these kids around and help them to be productive adults in the near future.

Tina's Daily Blog

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Broken Chairs and Kitten

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