Tina's Daily Blog: What Are You Spreading?

Sunday, July 29, 2007

What Are You Spreading?

Wow - what an exciting weekend! My sister Katie is 8 months pregnant and in the middle of a home remodel at her house. She wanted to have a "purse party" but didn't have the room for it, so she asked if she could do it at my house. Of course I said yes. I cleaned for DAYS. My mother-in-law Evie always hosts parties and now I have a whole new appreciation to what she must go through. I scrubbed. Cleaned. Fixed. Patched. Whatever needed to be done. But the end result was a fun party where everyone had a pretty good time.

It also resulted in me getting my first purses in... I don't know how long. I don't usually buy purses. My sister Katie buys nice purses, and when she's ready to toss them, I take them and use them. I went to Church today with a nice purse - can you BELIEVE IT? And I had three to choose from! I was just pickled tink! LOL

Speaking of Katie, I should give a shout-out to a new blog reader, Caesar of SunTrust. I hear you just found the blog. I really do thank you for reading and for thinking of us. It means a lot. I don't know if you were able to read the WHOLE blog to see how far these amazing kids have come, but I hope you got that general idea. They are great and we are blessed in so many ways. Thanks for reading and keeping us in your prayers.

The kids are doing very well. Kayte got in from Miami last night. Michelle brought over some school supplies which were GREAT. Julie's former roommate Kaye brought over a $100 gift card for Walmart. Thank you to both of you. We are still on the lookout for some inexpensive boys clothes... so if any of you know of a place we could go VERY inexpensive, please let me know. Also on the lookout for a few more school supplies (backpacks probably being the biggest thing).

Julie came over for the purse party and got to see all three of the kids, so she was happy. She didn't want to bring her oxygen with her, but I told her that if it makes here feel better, she SHOULD bring it. Earlier in the day I had talked to Julie on the phone (when discussing the oxygen) she said some things that made me crazy.

Julie: I just don't feel well. I keep coughing and wheezing. I can't walk or do much without needing to breathe the oxygen. Then I feel better.
Tina: What did the doctor say when you told him about this? I mean... if your discharge diagnosis from the hospital was some sort of Pneumonia, surely it she be improved by now. Why does he say that you are still having problems?
Julie: I don't know. I didn't ask him.
Tina: You didn't ask him? When was the last time you saw him?
Julie: A couple days ago I had a follow up visit.
Tina: And you didn't ASK HIM about why you still could not breathe?
Julie: No.
Tina: Well, did he say it was still the pneumonia for some reason, or is something else going on? Julie: I don't know. I didn't say anything.

HOW the hell can you have that horrible of a time breathing and NOT tell the doctor anything about it? How can something be wrong with you.... something that causes you to require oxygen every few hours if not more... and still you don't even ask the doctor what is WRONG with you? What the diagnosis is? What the prognosis is? What his plan of treatment is? HOW?????

It. Makes. Me. Crazy.

Some of the friends/family that were at the party last night that had not seen Julie in a while were utterly shocked at her size. And... those of us that have seen Julie a lot know that it's gotten worse recently. I'm bothered by the fact that Julie not only doesn't see it, but she keeps insisting she's the same. Remember a few months ago I blogged about going to see my mom and I put in a picture of Katie, Julie and myself... the three sisters? She was overweight then sure. But now... well... here is a picture we took a week ago.

I'm afraid for her. I'm not upset that she's gaining. I'm not disgusted by her size. I'm TERRIFIED for my little sister. If you could all please keep her in your prayers. She has so many health issues... she needs prayer for strength, guidance, and healing.

We had a great sermon in Church today. Yeah... they are all great, but this one in particular I loved. It was about the article in the paper this week where studies have found that YOUR weight is affected by the people you hang out with. Friends. Family. Co-workers. That it is proven that part of who you are is determined by those people you hang around with. (A message I try to teach the kids ALL the time!) But, Pastor Matthew took it beyond weight. Who we are as a person, as a father/mother, friend, and even our spirituality - is in part - attributed to who we surround ourselves with. So, in essence, what you and I do on a day to day basis truly affects people around us in a big way.

Then he posed the question: "You are contagious; what are you spreading?" Think about that for a moment. You are on the road driving, are you spreading patience and kindness.... or anger and frustration? When you go through the check-out line and the person in front of you has 25 items in the 10 items or less line... do you spread compassion? And, frankly, knowing that we truly affect other people by our actions, words, and our general way of being... shouldn't we ALL as Christians be working to make sure what we are spreading is Christianity? Kindness. Peace. Love. Compassion. Humility. And praising God all the time. Think of what it would do if we all tried to do a little bit more of that. Hmmmm.....

I should run. Chris and I are going to see Doug real quick. Hopefully he'll remember it's been a week not 6 months. Please keep Doug in your prayers as well.

I leave you with this for today:

Do everything without complaining and arguing, so that no one can criticize you. Live clean, innocent lives as children of God, shining like bright lights in a world full of crooked and perverse people. Hold firmly to the word of life; then, on the day of Christ’s return, I will be proud that I did not run the race in vain and that my work was not useless. But I will rejoice even if I lose my life, pouring it out like a liquid offering to God, just like your faithful service is an offering to God. And I want all of you to share that joy. Yes, you should rejoice, and I will share your joy.
Philippians 2:14-18

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In A Nutshell:

Here is a letter I sent to Dr. Phil which really sums everything up:
I am married to my high-school sweetheart (20 years this August), with two wonderful children (Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13). I have two sisters, both younger – I call them “my good sister” and “my bad sister”. My good sister is – well, good! Normal in every way. The bad one, Julie, has been in trouble since she was a kid. As a baby she cried all of the time. As a teenager she was in trouble all of the time. At the age of 14 or so I remember that she had run away from home to live with a grown man in Atlanta. This was one of many run a ways. As a teenager, she provided sexual favors to boys in school, as well as teachers. As a young adult she was arrested for prostitution. She’s done drugs ranging from marijuana to crack. She was diagnosed early on as bi-polar with personality disorder. She’s also a serious cutter to the point where she no longer hid the cuts. She’s cut things like “Ronald Cecchinni” into her arm… and “Fuck you Dr. XXX” on her stomach, in large letters. Julie is also a diagnosed sex-addict. She’s also recently (in the past year) begun ‘huffing’. (I honestly believe that this huffing has caused some permanent damage) She is currently 36yo.
Julie lost her husband Ron a year and a half ago as a result of Leukemia and Kidney Disease which the military attributed to his serving in the Gulf War. He left behind three children – Kayla who is now 15, Justin who is now 14 and Kayte who is now 13. Even when Julie was married, her psychiatric problems persisted. She has been hospitalized literally hundreds of times over the years. However, when her husband was alive, he would take care of the kids when Julie was mentally out of control. After Ron died, Julie lost control of the kids and her life. She began to spiral out of control, having pot parties at her home (to the point where the kids said a door would open and a cloud of smoke would come bellowing out of the room), smoking weed with her own kids, having sex all over the house with different men all the time, allowing young men (19 yo) to sleep over with her oldest daughter (only 14 at the time), and allowing Gang members to live in her home (she said she felt ‘safe’ with them there). In addition, she was attempting suicide daily, overdosing on medications hoping to not wake up the next morning. Mind you all of this while she was seeing her Psychologist every week and Psychiatrist once a month. Both of these Doctors knew what was going on at home, neither of them reported it to the proper authorities. I have even been told by one of them that he was told, by Julie, that she ‘heard voices telling her to hurt the children’ but that she was proud that she could ignore the voices. Still, these Doctors reported nothing.
I should add here that it was at some point in this period of time in Julie’s life when her children began suicide watches over their mom… each one taking turns to sit in a room with her at all hours (night and day) because their mom was less-likely to hurt herself while they were here. However, it didn’t always work – Julie constantly took pills in front of them trying to either dope herself up or overdose, and she would even cut herself in front of the kids.
Finally one day, she woke up furious that her last suicide attempt didn’t work. She got violent with her oldest daughter, police were called, and finally DCF was called. (I would like to add that we (other family members) had called DCF in the past to report things, but some of the cases were ‘unfounded’ and one other time the fled the state knowing CF only had jurisdiction in Florida.) DCF removed the children from the home in November 2005 and I gained custody of the Children shortly thereafter.
There are lots of things I could add here about my sister, DCF, and the horrible Foster Care or Custodial Care program we are involved with. However, that is not my main reason for writing to you.
Kayte, the youngest, seems to be adjusting pretty well. She has a tendency to trivialize what her mom has done and the seriousness of it, but I think that is normal given that it is her mom. Kayte was in counseling, but she feels it’s ‘a waste of time’.
Justin, the middle child, is okay. As a young boy I'm told he was a terror. He used to hit his mother and at one point (only 6yo) tried to jump off a building to kill himself. Since then, his anger has turned in to an endless smothering of love and caring. He does everything for his mom… from getting her whatever she needs to rubbing her feet and back. Justin has seen a psychiatrist since moving in with me who felt that his issues were brought on by trauma. It was also at that visit with the psychiatrist that he confided in myself and the Doctor that he had suicidal thoughts often while living at home with his mom in her ‘state of being’ after his dad died. However, since he moved in with me he has done so much better (and continues to improve daily) that she didn’t feel he even needed counseling at this time. He would, however, need counseling before he was reunited with his mom.
Kayla, the oldest, has serious issues. She is also currently in counseling but feels that it is ‘a waste of time’. Kayla has always lied and stolen things. Family members feel sorry for her because you can tell that she doesn’t really mean any ill will by it, but it’s been ‘the way she is’ for a very long time. By far her biggest problems are lying and her need for approval by men (young and old).
Since the kids have moved in with us, my husband and I have set up rules. The kids already had myspace accounts, so we set ground rules for it. 1) We needed the login names and passwords. 2) Profiles must be set to private. 3) The only people they were allowed to have on their friends list was people that they actually knew. When Kayla’s list climbed over 300, and she was found to have inappropriate conversations (wanting to sneak out and ‘hook up’ with young men), we made everyone cut their list down to 30 friends, which included myself. 4) All vulgar language and inappropriate photos would come off immediately and would be monitored by myself at any given time. At times, they try to put up ‘sexy’ pictures which immediately need to come down.
However recently I have found that she has multiple website things going on in an attempt to pick up young men. I'll outline a few here so that you understand the gravity of the situation: 1) I found her 'normal' myspace account set to 'public view'. She has over 11,000 profile views(meaning people looking at her pictures and wanting to know more about her). I had reset it to private many times, but she keeps going back and resetting it to public. 2) I have found another myspace account which she went by the name 'Shannon' and used it to pick up young men, tease them, then later tell them that she was 'taken' but refer them to her 'cousin, Kayla'. She'd then give them all of Kayla's information. Of course thiswas also set to public. 3) I have found another social network website that was like myspace in which she had ONLY men (mostly from other states) as her 'friends' whom she corresponded with. The emails back and forth basically said the same thing as all of the others... more on that in #4 - only these were guys that not only did she not know, but they were not even in the area! 4) All accounts that I have found had basically the same thing... her emailing guys wanting to know if she was pretty, if they wanted to 'hook up', talking about going to their 'crib' or meeting up with them somewhere, and constantly seeking approval and affirmation from these guys.
I believe she gets this from her mom. And the sad thing is, if you met her, you would love her. She is truly a GREAT kid… but she has serious issues. I’ve described to you Julie’s behavior and Kayla’s seems to be the same way. Neither can make decisions on their own that are ‘the right thing to do’, and both lack the understanding of simple values, morals and ethics. I could go into so many examples. How do I describe the utterly amazing difference between Julie’s parenting style and my own?
I know... Both Julie and I have myspace accounts set up to ‘monitor’ the kids. To illustrate the difference between Julie and myself, here is something that Julie and I both put on our myspace accounts. You are supposed to put something 'about yourself' by your picture. Here is mine: "I'm 38 years old. I have two amazing kids, Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13. I have great husband, Chris. I love to sing - and have been singing in Toast of Tampa Show Chorus for 10 years. I'm raising my nieces and nephew (12, 13 and 14). I love God and my family."And here is Julie's: "I am who I am and if you dont like me for me........FUCK YOU........ Plus if you dont like me for me....... Im gunna tell my kids and there gunna kick yer ass!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Here’s the other dilemma we are having; the two girls are in counseling that is costing me $25 EACH in co-payments every time they go. The State of Florida provides NO financial support to me as a relative caregiver, other than providing the three kids with Medicaid. They received small SSI checks because of their dad’s death, but it barely covers the food they consume. The DCF worker, having spoke with the girls and being told that therapy is ‘a waste of time’, has referred me to a clinic that DCF uses for cases such as this to seek mental care for Kayla (aswell as the others). However, the kids have TriCare as their primary insurance because their dad died from Military causes. TriCare requires the co-payment, regardless of the Medicaid secondary. Having said that, please understand that I worked in referrals in a primary care physician’s office for 16 years… I totally ‘get’ what is required for primary and secondary insurances and all the red tape. But because of the uniqueness of this situation, the kids are suffering!
I should also point out here that I have the kids for an indefinite period of time. Right now Julie is doing things that she has been told to do to get the kids back. However, she is still awaiting a court ordered detailed Psychiatric exam to determine if she can EVER parent again. Even if that Psychiatrist feels she can parent again, she’ll most likely need to be ‘clean’ and ‘episode-free’ for 6 months to a year minimum. In addition, Julie is only allowed supervised visits and one phone call a day. This came about because of her inappropriate behavior when she was with the kids and because when she was allowed to call any time she’d call 10 + times a day.
The other problem with Julie ever getting her children back is that… she doesn’t understand what she did wrong. She parents as if she were 15-years old herself. If anyone has ever done something bad and been able to ‘keep’ their kids, she sees no reason she can’t do it. She brought her daughter at the age of 13 in for a HUGE tattoo on the small of her back. It’s Tigger flipping ‘the bird’ with her gang name under it. She was also planning on getting a large tattoo on her 12yo before the kids were taken. Again, she sees nothing wrong with any of her past behavior.
So, you see, I could have these children for the rest of their teenage years. I honestly don’t know where to turn to get them the help they need.
I feel as if I am in a psychiatric nightmare and I just can’t wake up. Eight months ago I was at home, my biggest ‘kid worry’ was if my son was going to get good grades on his report card. Now I find myself in a crux worried about whether or not the lessons I teach them, this late in their young life, are going to be enough to turn these kids around and help them to be productive adults in the near future.

Tina's Daily Blog

Sunday, July 29, 2007

What Are You Spreading?

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