Last night while trying to sleep, I kept hearing someone talk. We have 102 inches of horrible windows in our bedroom, and I at first assumed it was a neighbor voice I was hearing through that window. The room was so quiet and the only sounds were the squirrels trying to eat into the room and this talking. The talking continued for a long time, and I noticed it was a one-way conversation. Eventually I got up to investigate because it just wouldn't STOP and it was driving me nuts. I walked by Kayte/Justin's room and sure enough.... talk, talk, talk, talk. It was KAYTE.
I stood quietly at the door and listened for about 5 minutes trying to hear what she was talking about. I guess I tried to give the benefit of the doubt that maybe she was sleep-talking - although by this time it had been a VERY long time. (I later found it the conversation was an hour and a half) I opened the door and asked her "WHO are you TALKING TO?" She said, "I'm not talking to anybody". I said, "Kayte, I've been outside the door listening to you, YES you have. Who are you talking to??" Again she tried to proclaim her innocence, and in the middle of that proclamation her cell phone lit up giving away her lie. I said "GIVE ME THE PHONE!!" I might have put a curse word in there. Might? Ha ha ha ha.
Anyways, she did - in her typical "attorney-like" fashion - try to somewhat defend herself, saying to me that she really didn't talk much, she spent a lot of time "listening". I told her that it was AFTER 11 pm -- I didn't care WHAT she was doing, she shouldn't be on a phone that late.
To make matters worse, I found out from checking her cell phone history that she SOLD Kayla time using her cell phone. Now... Kayte has a cell phone ONLY because it was a REWARD for HER good grades at school. We PAY our hard-earned money every single month for her to continue with that phone. She's going to try and TURN A PROFIT?? I felt like she had slapped me in the face. I was furious.
I need to calm down before I see her tonight. I'm getting so angry again just THINKING about the whole thing again. Calm down, Tina... Calm down........
Julie has a visit tonight and I'm really struggling with how to FEEL. She's called a couple times already today - yes she is out of the hospital.
She has (surprise, surprise) decided NOT to do the 6-month program. Her reasoning for this was two-fold. One because the beds were hard and not-so-nice (she said she heard they were like prison beds) and two because they won't let her see family while she is there. I asked her if they told her WHY they wouldn't allow family to see her, she said "Because they say they want me to work on JUST ME while I am there." Well, that sounds like a darn good reason to me! Why would that be a problem? But - to Julie - who thinks as short-term as she does, this is a long time. I told her that it took her 38 years to get into this mess... she wasn't going to get out of it without dedicating lots of time and effort into it.
She has now turned her focus onto a place in Clearwater that has a 21 day program. They have much nicer beds and it's a much more fancy place. Sure it is, but... 21 days? What are they going to do in 21 days? I think she's been in Memorial hospital's psyc ward once recently about that long.
Without boring you with crummy details, let me tell you why I think Julie is making a mistake:
1) With everything she is doing right now, there is some LIE attached to it. Two examples are: Financial in that she has lied and is going to lie about what she makes for some reason or another and medical (she's going to have to purposely overdose in order to get admitted). If you begin something with a lie, it's bound for failure.
2) Julie doesn't need drug rehab. She is not a 'druggie' in my opinion. She USES whatever she has on hand to coax her emotional wounds and to deal with stressors in her life. Food, people, medications. She doesn't need to be off medications for 21 days to 'get it out of her system' so she doesn't "Jones" again.... she needs to be completely re-trained on how to deal with things. How to worry about her inability to pay the water bill without going off the deep end or popping a fist full of pills. How to miss her husband who died too young without cutting her arms with razors to feel better. She needs to know what to do when she WANTS to go to the emergency room and tell them she wants morphine for her headache -- and she needs to not pester them or manipulate them into giving her what she wants.
This CAN NOT happen in 21 days. In my opinion that is.
So... Julie is coming over tonight and as I sit here and think about her visit, I wonder how I want to act around her. Already today I've felt that she wants me to feel sorry for her... she's talking about "walking away" from her home - giving it to the bank. Talking about how she can't make ends meet on just her VA income alone. And I do NOT want to pity her. I'm angry with her.
But... at bible study this week we talked about people who have a hardened heart. I don't want to do that either... but... it's emotionally too much to be sucked into her life ALL THE TIME. It's emotionally exhausting to care MORE about HER life than SHE does... that is an uphill battle. And - I do love her. But I feel that her constant "it's all about me" attitude is actually hurting ME. Additionally I think that a little tough-love might help her.
Take for example the few frustrations I have listed below:
1) Julie can't work a stable job because she is hospitalized dozens of times ever year. Option: File for disability through the state. Julie refuses. (She now says that they won't pay her disability because she has money from the VA - she said that she called and was told this. I was told differently. Anyways....)
2) Julie can't afford her house payment and bills on what she makes. Option 1 - sell home and move into small apartment. Option 2 - collect money from the guy who is living there free of charge to help cover expenses. Option 3 - cut off cable, cell phone, Zephyrhills water and any other non-emergency bills she has. Julie refuses any of these options.
These are two examples -- my sister and mother could give you a dozen more I'm sure. It's soooo frustrating.
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I'm home now and Julie has left for the night. I'm working on getting the kids to bed, but I hear them still up (it's 10:05 now). I really wanted to go in the hot tub tonight -- I didn't go in the hot tub or pool last night... remember my fear of spiders? Yeah... they live out there! Chris is usually my big strong man to save me should I see one outside. :o)
Julie's visit tonight was kind of......... odd. She was good really, I guess you could say. I got home and immediately went into the kitchen because I was late, Julie was there, and I knew I needed to get dinner started if we were going to eat at a reasonable time. The kids came in and told me that their mom was acting kinda weird. They were right.... she wasn't slurring, she wasn't completely out of it.... she was just kinda -- "blah" is all I can say to describe it. Like a cross between depressed and tired maybe. She said she was tired and hopefully that was all that was wrong. I think the kids thought as I did... that it was going to be an awesome visit because she just got out of the hospital.
After her visit tonight I do feel really sad for her. No money. Can't get a job. Lost her husband, now her kids. So many mental illnesses. Diabetes. Oh how my heart breaks for my little sister. Yeah, after I typed that last line, I sat and thought about it for a long while... watching the cursor blink....
It's funny how you can go from so angry to so sad in such a short period of time. I know that Julie is going to do whatever Julie is going to do, regardless of what I want or think or say. And I know that I can only do what I can do... I can stay here and raise these kids, keep on top of them to make sure they are making good decisions, and be a good role model. Then just hope and pray that it's enough.
Just looking up positive quotes or bible verses to put in here and came across this:
"I think it's an honor to be a role model to one person or maybe more than that. If you are given a chance to be a role model, I think you should always take it because you can influence a person's life in a positive light, and that's what I want to do. That's what it's all about."
Tiger Woods
Yeah, Tiger... I couldn't have said it better myself. I'm exhausted and going to bed. Goodnight all! Thanks for keeping us in your thoughts and prayers.
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