My Heart Breaks For Her

The "Worst Sister Of The Year Goes To...."

ME.

Sigh.... Last night Julie called the house. Chris was reading the blog at the time (often times he doesn't know the details of the day-to-day happenings until he reads the blogs!) and Julie was on the phone with Kayte and Kayla. I was supervising the phone call and could tell that Julie was VERY depressed. She was also slurring her words VERY badly. I heard her tell Kayte in a very pathetic voice "You know I love you very much and that I will always love you, no matter what, right?" I was worried about her and this struck me as an odd thing to say, but I chalked it up to her being depressed and needing loving/attention.

Julie had a horrible day, as highlighted by my blog yesterday. After I blogged, she had even gone out to three places looking for a job. Three places she may not normally try to work, but she knew she needed to do something. Good for her! But still... Julie was completely and utterly depressed. My heart was breaking for her.

After reading the blog and reading about Julie talking to Justin, Chris got on the phone with Julie and pretty much told her NOT to call Justin or any of the kids unless we were on the phone with her. He... well... he yelled at her as if she was a kid. But... you sometimes HAVE to talk to Julie like that.

Julie was too impaired really to comprehend much, I knew that very well from the many years of dealing with Julie through her cycles and medication moments. And I felt worse for Julie. My heart was breaking.

Throughout the phone conversations, it was obvious that Julie was... Impaired. She was slurring her words VERY badly. Remember the post from Christmas morning 2 years ago? Yeah... THAT bad. I asked her WHY she was slurring her words so badly. She told me that she had taken her 'night-time' pills very early because she wanted to get to bed early after such a bad day. I didn't blame her and I left it at that.

Yet... Still I worried about her.

Today, it's 2 in the afternoon. Julie just called me. She is STILL slurring her words. Now I know something is wrong, so I asked her.... "Why are you still slurring Julie?" She proceeded to tell me that she was very depressed last night.

She tried to kill herself.

She took 24 Knonopin (normal dose is one or two at bed time). TWENTY FOUR!!! She said that she had 78 in the bottle, but only took 24 because that's all she thought she needed to kill herself. My heart is breaking.

She tells me that she was on her 'chat line' last night and told someone there what she had done. THEY called the police, who showed up at her door last night. She convinced the policeman that she was fine... that she had just taken her 'normal' bed time medicine and she'd be fine.

Then she went to sleep hoping to not wake up again.

I asked Julie.... "Why are you telling me this???" In my mind... I knew I couldn't hear all of this and do NOTHING. She said "Because you asked me, so I told you".

So the questions running through my head are... Would the 24 Klonopin still obviously in her system hurt her? Should I call the police? And... what about her beach vacation she's supposed to start tomorrow???

My little sister just tried, unsuccessfully again, to kill herself. And then she told me that she had done and and how.

I called her friend Kaye, the friend taking her to the beach. I couldn't reach her and left a message. Then I called Julie's psychiatrist office. I spoke with a nurse there who told me that I needed to call the police right away. I asked if it was still possible for Julie to die even though she took them at 8pm last night. She mentioned something about continued effects and mentioned about Julie taking her normal morning/afternoon/evening medicine on TOP of what she had just taken. Absolutely she said, I needed to call the police and get them out to see her immediately.

I called my sister Katie. I feel HORRIBLE.

First of all, I knew something was wrong last night. Then I didn't call Julie at all this morning and I probably should have. Now, I'm supposed to call the police where she will be baker's acted and will MISS her vacation on the beach??? After just blogging about how I felt she shouldn't go to the beach... surely some might think I had other intentions for calling, right?

Then the visions of Julie on the respirator came into my mind. I do NOT want my sister to die, nor to be on a respirator the rest of her life either.

Katie said... She would call the police herself and get them out there. Good.. out of my hands, and it was the right thing to do for Julie. And still... my heart breaks.

Katie just called to say that she called Julie right away to tell her the police were going to come... And they were already there!! Talk about fast. Katie wanted Julie to know that SHE was the one who called.

We (the family - mom, Katie and myself) need to talk about getting those medications OUT of her house!! What the hell was she doing with 78 Knonopin in her house to begin with??

Then the Doctor's office called me back with their 'formal' call. They told me (again) that I needed to call the police. I told her that I had. She said "You are probably going to have to bakers act her... Do you know what that is?" Yeah... They don't know her history very well, do they? Then I asked the nurse how come Julie had 78 pills on her that she's only taking a couple a day on. She told me that she couldn't discuss Julie's case with me. I told her I understood that... But that they might have well just given her a loaded gun, it was the same thing. A person overdoses all the time, constantly takes too much medication, and she is 2 weeks into her prescription and has 78 left??? Are you KIDDING me??? She again told me she couldn't talk to me about it. I told her that I would have plenty to say if my sister was on a respirator again because of this and I hung up.

I'm angry, and still my heart is breaking for Julie.

Okay, now Katie just called again. Julie told the police she had only taken 5 pills and that she was fine. That she did not try to kill herself. They are leaving her there.

Now I'm fricking furious. Why did she do this to me today???? I'm sitting at my desk fuming mad and crying my eyes out at the same time. It's been 38 minutes and it feels like it's been days. I'm an emotional WRECK. Jeez, I can't stop crying. Okay Tina, pull it together. Pull it together...

Mom just called and now I'm just ANGRY. I can't believe Julie just did this. Why???

I swear, if she ends up on a respirator again, I'm NOT going to let the kids go see her. OMG I am so angry. And yeah, I know I wouldn't REALLY do that. I don't think I would anyways. But I am SO ANGRY. I'm so tired of Julie not taking care of herself. Medically. Mentally. Eating. Working. Nothing she does is for her best interest.

Think about that statement for a moment... Absolutely NOTHING Julie does is for her own best interest. Nothing she eats. Nothing she takes. Nothing she does during the day (not working and either watching TV or talking in her chat room for other people who are mentally ill). Even when she was going to go on her beach vacation... Even that was not truly in HER best interest. The pills she takes, not always in her best interest. How sad...

And again... My heart breaks for her.

And yet... I'm still angry and need to calm down.

I'm too emotionally tired to even go looking for a wonderful bible verse to put in here. I'm just.. Angry and upset. Please say a prayer for me. And then say two for Julie. Thanks.