Tina's Daily Blog: Day Four, I Think I Need Xanax

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Day Four, I Think I Need Xanax

Today is the first real day that I have truly realized the potential disaster that could come from having FOUR moody and hormonal teenagers under one roof.

We have simple rules in our house. Rules which Chris and I are good at sticking to and making them well-known to the kids. I've talked about this often in prior blogs. Remember our favorite motto: "firm yet fair"?

One of the rules is, you come home directly after school, every day. If you want to go hang out with your friends, that's all well and good, but it'll happen after you get home, do homework and/or study and you do your chores.

Another rule is that the kids do not go to someone else's house during the day unless we 1) know an adult is going to be home and 2) we have talked to that adult. We used to have the rule where we had to go over the house and meet the parents and all that, but we have relaxed on that part of it once DCF wasn't involved anymore. But we are not going to allow our kids to go to someone else's house, during the day, with no parents home and those parents not knowing. I don't want it in MY house and therefore I don't want them doing it in someone else's house.

Another rule is cell phones. You do NOT talk or text on a cell phone at school. The possible exception to that is at lunch, but certainly NEVER during a class. It's rude. It's disrespectful. And it's against the school rules.

These all sound like VERY simple rules, right? Reasonable?? Clear?? One would think...

Kayla sends me a text message today during school. (Using someone else's phone obviously) She wants to know if she can go to some girl's house after school. She said she'll be home by five.

My first reply to her was "no" and she didn't like that answer, so I asked her to call me. I figured, if she was a LUNCH and 'allowed' to use the cell, she would call. She couldn't - she was in class. Kayla's FIRST reply back to me was "I was only going to go for a few hours. Why can't you trust?" The TRUST word... I HATE IT when kids use this word. It has NOTHING to do with trust. I replied back to her and eventually talked to her on the phone.

I told her that... first, it wasn't a matter of trust, she NOT supposed to go to someone else's house directly from school. School is out at 2:45 and they are home from the bus at 3:30. She is to work at 4 today (she now tells me they changed her to 5 pm), which gives her very little time to do homework or study then walk to work. She claims (mind you this is at noon) that she HAS NO homework. I'm thinking she must be some kind of fortune teller to know this at noon, but I keep that to myself.

Then I tell her that she's not allowed to go to someone else's house without parents after school. She tells me that "Uncle Chris always lets me". I called Chris, of course, who tells me that the word "always" in not correct. He then reminds me that this girl is the same one that she worked with before to sneak out of the house a few months ago to go meet a guy at the park. So... do I trust this girl?? No I really don't. I don't trust either of them actually. But for no real other reason than they are 16-year-old girls. I remember being 16 and I was nowhere NEAR as pretty or as popular as them. And frankly, at the age of 39 I've still not been in some of the trouble that Kayla's been in. So trust is relative, ya know?

Oh, I almost forgot the best part. I told her that she is NOT supposed to be using a cell phone in class. She said "I wasn't, texting. I was asking a question!" WHAT??? So... That's different - HOW? I told her just that. She explained that she wasn't talking or texting really... She was asking a question. Somehow, in her mind, that's different.

Of course, Kayla thinks I said all this because I'm mean and I don't trust her. Forget the simple fact that it's just the way the rules have been since they moved in here in November 2005. Isn't that called "Teenage Logic" or something? Or is it just called "hormonal"?

Here's the problem with my disciplining: When I say "no" they say "why?" and/or they challenge me. When Chris says "no" they say "okay". It's truly that different and that simple. It's not that I DID or SAID anything differently than Chris would have. When Kayla first sent me the text message saying "can I do this?" I simply replied back "no". With that, she had a cow and the slew of messages followed.

Do you think Kayla understand how her doing this affects me? Does she know that it's 2 in the afternoon, I'm at work, and it's ALL I can think about?? That it's upset me this badly? That I keep reading her messages and my messages back wondering where the mis-communication happened... or if I showed any weakness in my initial response? That I sit here thinking about the days since November 2005 - wondering if I'm am still certain that we were truly as CLEAR with the rules as I think we were.

And as I think of all these things... I am certain that we HAVE been doing the right things, I HAVE been saying the right things, that the rules have NOT changed, and that she is just acting out in typical 16-year-old teenager fashion. And knowing that makes me more upset with her.

So.... if anyone is keeping score this week.... in the "How many kids can Tina tick off" category, it's now up to two. But fear not, there are still a couple more days till Chris gets home, so maybe I can work on the other two and making it a whole house-full before he gets back. Oh - I kid, I kid... share in my sense of humor, will ya?

As I type this I realize that I am in NO hurry to go home tonight and deal with all of this. And then I realize... tonight is open house. FOUR teenagers. One school. THIRTY TWO classes I need to attend. Alone. Sigh.... I was going to ask my sister Katie to come to help me - maybe attend some of the classes and pick up the paperwork, but she's darn near 9 months pregnant and can't get around. Sigh..... So - I'm going to have to suck it up and get over there myself. Thirty two classes.

Okay, I just called the school because the paperwork they sent home has a different date for open house than their website does. The Open House has been RESCHEDULED until September 20th. Yes, there is a God, and He is watching out for me! "Thank you, God!"

Since I started this blog, I've also just talked to Kayla. She sounds very chipper... very happy.... very over whatever horrible mood she was in at lunch today. Oh yes, MOODY, I remember that as being a part of that teenage-hormonal thing. Gosh, I don't know if I'm ready for this. If I'm ready to deal with all the stressors of teenagers all in High School. Any of y'all got advice to help me through this?

And now another update. Since that last paragraph - last typed nearly 5 hours ago - I've been home, to the park, to church, and to pick Kayla up from work.

First thing I noticed when I got home after work was that there was FOOD -- ON Kayla's bed. Checkers fast food. By this time Kayla was at work, and I made mention to Kayte and Justin about the "no food upstairs rule" that apparently NOBODY is following anyways. SIGH

Then it hit me as I was about to jump in the shower... HOW did Kayla - who was told to ride the bus home from school - get Checkers? I call the kids into the bedroom and ask them if Kayla rode the bus home with them. Kayte and Justin both looked incredibly confused. Justin, stuttering, is saying "I.... I..... I..... I.... didn't see her, but sh-sh-sh-she must have been there". I knew he was lying. Kayte looked like she was looking for a reasonable thing to say. Both of them stammering, trying to find some logic. Both of them trying to convince me that they could get on the bus from school, drive all the way home, get off the bus, and walk a few blocks home and NOT REALLY NOTICE if Kayla was or was not there.

They were lying.

I knew it with every fiber in my body.

I finally got the truth out of them. (Kayte trying to bargain the "TRUTH" for her cell phone to be returned - but I did NOT give into that!) The truth was that Kayla got a ride home from school by same guy who took her home yesterday when she went missing for an hour and a half. The truth is she asked them to cover for her. The truth is she KNEW it was wrong and she DID IT ANYWAYS.

I picked Kayla up from work today, and once again, told her the rules: come DIRECTLY home from school - on the bus. Homework. Study. Chores. Then we'll talk about 'what else'. We also talked about the lies. She still claims to not really see any big deal in it.

I've seen a pattern and I'm waiting to see if it's going to come true this time. Usually when Kayla runs out, sneaks around, lies about where she is or who she is with... usually that means that she has an interest in a new guy. Which is sad really. Why can't she have interest in a guy and just... be normal. Why sneak around? Why lie? Have him over... heck, I'll cook him one HECK of a great meal. But that would also mean her current boyfriend Chris would be history - which would be very sad. Chris is another very nice guy (she usually does date really great guys!) who works with her at KFC. He has been at KFC - not working - but just sitting in the dining room from 4 this afternoon till she got off at 9 so that he could just 'talk to her' when she got off work, even if for just a little bit. Sweet huh? But... I know it's coming. Or I sense it anyways.

Anyways, that's it for today's excitement. How many days until Chris gets back???

Xanax!?!?!?!

“When I said, "My foot is slipping," your love, O LORD, supported me. When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul.”- Psalm 94:18-19

2 comments:

Anonymous said...: Uncle Chris probably doesn't "explain" when an edict is given. You do, they will keep pushing with you, you are "Auntie Tina." As hard as it is, don't continue the conversation. Walk away. Paul used to argue EVERYTHING with me, now he's in law school (Kayte). They know that you are consumed with them, always trying to do what's best, having no time for yourself. Besides Church, you need to have them see you moving your energies towards something else. They are selfish because they're teens, it comes naturally. The entire world evolves around them.

Hope this sheds a little light, been there, done that, you will survive, and when you sit across the table from them when they are adults and see what you have helped to mold, your heart will smile forever!; 7:51 AM
Anonymous said...: Hi Tina,
This problem of kids not listening to their mom's but listening to their dad is never ending. It happened when you guys were teenagers. I would tell you something, and you wouldn't do it, Dad, would tell you and you would jump up. I don't know if it's a male vs female thing or what but it happens. You always try to be fair to them and they know that you will talk or reason w/them everytime. I think Debbie was right on the money when she said Chris doesn't explain, but you (being the sweet thing that you are) do explain and you are getting ulcers over it. I think (like Debbie said) there will come a day that these kids will be grown and successful, and you will know you did a good job. I also think when you look back at some of the things that they "pushed your buttons" over you will say, WHY did I let that one happen. Kids have a way of growing up because or in spite of what we do, and these kids will be okay. I still worry about you, and my God you are almost ---????
Take care and know that you are the adult and that they love you for the structure you are giving them.... Honest -
Love,
Mom; 11:26 AM

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In A Nutshell:

Here is a letter I sent to Dr. Phil which really sums everything up:
I am married to my high-school sweetheart (20 years this August), with two wonderful children (Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13). I have two sisters, both younger – I call them “my good sister” and “my bad sister”. My good sister is – well, good! Normal in every way. The bad one, Julie, has been in trouble since she was a kid. As a baby she cried all of the time. As a teenager she was in trouble all of the time. At the age of 14 or so I remember that she had run away from home to live with a grown man in Atlanta. This was one of many run a ways. As a teenager, she provided sexual favors to boys in school, as well as teachers. As a young adult she was arrested for prostitution. She’s done drugs ranging from marijuana to crack. She was diagnosed early on as bi-polar with personality disorder. She’s also a serious cutter to the point where she no longer hid the cuts. She’s cut things like “Ronald Cecchinni” into her arm… and “Fuck you Dr. XXX” on her stomach, in large letters. Julie is also a diagnosed sex-addict. She’s also recently (in the past year) begun ‘huffing’. (I honestly believe that this huffing has caused some permanent damage) She is currently 36yo.
Julie lost her husband Ron a year and a half ago as a result of Leukemia and Kidney Disease which the military attributed to his serving in the Gulf War. He left behind three children – Kayla who is now 15, Justin who is now 14 and Kayte who is now 13. Even when Julie was married, her psychiatric problems persisted. She has been hospitalized literally hundreds of times over the years. However, when her husband was alive, he would take care of the kids when Julie was mentally out of control. After Ron died, Julie lost control of the kids and her life. She began to spiral out of control, having pot parties at her home (to the point where the kids said a door would open and a cloud of smoke would come bellowing out of the room), smoking weed with her own kids, having sex all over the house with different men all the time, allowing young men (19 yo) to sleep over with her oldest daughter (only 14 at the time), and allowing Gang members to live in her home (she said she felt ‘safe’ with them there). In addition, she was attempting suicide daily, overdosing on medications hoping to not wake up the next morning. Mind you all of this while she was seeing her Psychologist every week and Psychiatrist once a month. Both of these Doctors knew what was going on at home, neither of them reported it to the proper authorities. I have even been told by one of them that he was told, by Julie, that she ‘heard voices telling her to hurt the children’ but that she was proud that she could ignore the voices. Still, these Doctors reported nothing.
I should add here that it was at some point in this period of time in Julie’s life when her children began suicide watches over their mom… each one taking turns to sit in a room with her at all hours (night and day) because their mom was less-likely to hurt herself while they were here. However, it didn’t always work – Julie constantly took pills in front of them trying to either dope herself up or overdose, and she would even cut herself in front of the kids.
Finally one day, she woke up furious that her last suicide attempt didn’t work. She got violent with her oldest daughter, police were called, and finally DCF was called. (I would like to add that we (other family members) had called DCF in the past to report things, but some of the cases were ‘unfounded’ and one other time the fled the state knowing CF only had jurisdiction in Florida.) DCF removed the children from the home in November 2005 and I gained custody of the Children shortly thereafter.
There are lots of things I could add here about my sister, DCF, and the horrible Foster Care or Custodial Care program we are involved with. However, that is not my main reason for writing to you.
Kayte, the youngest, seems to be adjusting pretty well. She has a tendency to trivialize what her mom has done and the seriousness of it, but I think that is normal given that it is her mom. Kayte was in counseling, but she feels it’s ‘a waste of time’.
Justin, the middle child, is okay. As a young boy I'm told he was a terror. He used to hit his mother and at one point (only 6yo) tried to jump off a building to kill himself. Since then, his anger has turned in to an endless smothering of love and caring. He does everything for his mom… from getting her whatever she needs to rubbing her feet and back. Justin has seen a psychiatrist since moving in with me who felt that his issues were brought on by trauma. It was also at that visit with the psychiatrist that he confided in myself and the Doctor that he had suicidal thoughts often while living at home with his mom in her ‘state of being’ after his dad died. However, since he moved in with me he has done so much better (and continues to improve daily) that she didn’t feel he even needed counseling at this time. He would, however, need counseling before he was reunited with his mom.
Kayla, the oldest, has serious issues. She is also currently in counseling but feels that it is ‘a waste of time’. Kayla has always lied and stolen things. Family members feel sorry for her because you can tell that she doesn’t really mean any ill will by it, but it’s been ‘the way she is’ for a very long time. By far her biggest problems are lying and her need for approval by men (young and old).
Since the kids have moved in with us, my husband and I have set up rules. The kids already had myspace accounts, so we set ground rules for it. 1) We needed the login names and passwords. 2) Profiles must be set to private. 3) The only people they were allowed to have on their friends list was people that they actually knew. When Kayla’s list climbed over 300, and she was found to have inappropriate conversations (wanting to sneak out and ‘hook up’ with young men), we made everyone cut their list down to 30 friends, which included myself. 4) All vulgar language and inappropriate photos would come off immediately and would be monitored by myself at any given time. At times, they try to put up ‘sexy’ pictures which immediately need to come down.
However recently I have found that she has multiple website things going on in an attempt to pick up young men. I'll outline a few here so that you understand the gravity of the situation: 1) I found her 'normal' myspace account set to 'public view'. She has over 11,000 profile views(meaning people looking at her pictures and wanting to know more about her). I had reset it to private many times, but she keeps going back and resetting it to public. 2) I have found another myspace account which she went by the name 'Shannon' and used it to pick up young men, tease them, then later tell them that she was 'taken' but refer them to her 'cousin, Kayla'. She'd then give them all of Kayla's information. Of course thiswas also set to public. 3) I have found another social network website that was like myspace in which she had ONLY men (mostly from other states) as her 'friends' whom she corresponded with. The emails back and forth basically said the same thing as all of the others... more on that in #4 - only these were guys that not only did she not know, but they were not even in the area! 4) All accounts that I have found had basically the same thing... her emailing guys wanting to know if she was pretty, if they wanted to 'hook up', talking about going to their 'crib' or meeting up with them somewhere, and constantly seeking approval and affirmation from these guys.
I believe she gets this from her mom. And the sad thing is, if you met her, you would love her. She is truly a GREAT kid… but she has serious issues. I’ve described to you Julie’s behavior and Kayla’s seems to be the same way. Neither can make decisions on their own that are ‘the right thing to do’, and both lack the understanding of simple values, morals and ethics. I could go into so many examples. How do I describe the utterly amazing difference between Julie’s parenting style and my own?
I know... Both Julie and I have myspace accounts set up to ‘monitor’ the kids. To illustrate the difference between Julie and myself, here is something that Julie and I both put on our myspace accounts. You are supposed to put something 'about yourself' by your picture. Here is mine: "I'm 38 years old. I have two amazing kids, Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13. I have great husband, Chris. I love to sing - and have been singing in Toast of Tampa Show Chorus for 10 years. I'm raising my nieces and nephew (12, 13 and 14). I love God and my family."And here is Julie's: "I am who I am and if you dont like me for me........FUCK YOU........ Plus if you dont like me for me....... Im gunna tell my kids and there gunna kick yer ass!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Here’s the other dilemma we are having; the two girls are in counseling that is costing me $25 EACH in co-payments every time they go. The State of Florida provides NO financial support to me as a relative caregiver, other than providing the three kids with Medicaid. They received small SSI checks because of their dad’s death, but it barely covers the food they consume. The DCF worker, having spoke with the girls and being told that therapy is ‘a waste of time’, has referred me to a clinic that DCF uses for cases such as this to seek mental care for Kayla (aswell as the others). However, the kids have TriCare as their primary insurance because their dad died from Military causes. TriCare requires the co-payment, regardless of the Medicaid secondary. Having said that, please understand that I worked in referrals in a primary care physician’s office for 16 years… I totally ‘get’ what is required for primary and secondary insurances and all the red tape. But because of the uniqueness of this situation, the kids are suffering!
I should also point out here that I have the kids for an indefinite period of time. Right now Julie is doing things that she has been told to do to get the kids back. However, she is still awaiting a court ordered detailed Psychiatric exam to determine if she can EVER parent again. Even if that Psychiatrist feels she can parent again, she’ll most likely need to be ‘clean’ and ‘episode-free’ for 6 months to a year minimum. In addition, Julie is only allowed supervised visits and one phone call a day. This came about because of her inappropriate behavior when she was with the kids and because when she was allowed to call any time she’d call 10 + times a day.
The other problem with Julie ever getting her children back is that… she doesn’t understand what she did wrong. She parents as if she were 15-years old herself. If anyone has ever done something bad and been able to ‘keep’ their kids, she sees no reason she can’t do it. She brought her daughter at the age of 13 in for a HUGE tattoo on the small of her back. It’s Tigger flipping ‘the bird’ with her gang name under it. She was also planning on getting a large tattoo on her 12yo before the kids were taken. Again, she sees nothing wrong with any of her past behavior.
So, you see, I could have these children for the rest of their teenage years. I honestly don’t know where to turn to get them the help they need.
I feel as if I am in a psychiatric nightmare and I just can’t wake up. Eight months ago I was at home, my biggest ‘kid worry’ was if my son was going to get good grades on his report card. Now I find myself in a crux worried about whether or not the lessons I teach them, this late in their young life, are going to be enough to turn these kids around and help them to be productive adults in the near future.

Tina's Daily Blog

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Day Four, I Think I Need Xanax

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