Tina's Daily Blog: Lying and Playing Dumb

Sunday, September 16, 2007

Lying and Playing Dumb

So.... I was talking to my sister Katie today who told me that Kayte sent her a reply on her email today. This is odd because Kayte is on restriction from the computer while she has a "D" in a class.

The rules are very simple.... you must maintain A's, B's or C's in school. Any D warrants one thing being taken away (i.e. computer, phone, depending on what Chris and I deem the appropriate one to take away). Needless to say, if you have more than one D, several things go away. If you have an F... you are on "lock-down" restriction until your grades are back up to our standards. We do not sway from these rules... we do not 'give in' -- EVER. The rules have been the same since the day they moved in.

So.... why was Kayte on the computer???

Well... Kayte LOVES the computer. I knew it was going to be hard for her. I really didn't expect her to be the one to break the rules though. I called her and she said "Oh.... you mean I can't be on yahoo too?" And when I said "Uh........ YES!!" She said, "well, I was talking to my grandma!" I told her I didn't care who the heck she was talking to.... she was not allowed to USE THE COMPUTER. Period. End of story.

Get your grades up. Get the computer back. Simple right?

I was talking to Kayte on the phone and she played SOOOOOOOO STUPID with me that I honestly felt as if I could throw the phone. It was like talking to a 3 year old about geometry. Only... I KNEW that she KNEW better. She's gonna play DUMB with me???

I don't think so!

So.... we get home (I was out of the house at the time) and I called a quick kid meeting. I have them all in the same room and I begin to explain the rules to them again, only this time I talked to them as if they were 3 years old.

"What does it mean when I say you are on restriction from the computer? Does it mean you can talk to some people and just not others???"

Kayte says "Auntie Tina, it's straight... I get it". I said... "NO, Kayte I think you obviously don't. So we are going to talk about it to make SURE there is nobody here who can play dumb again."

Then I proceeded to give other examples: Phone restriction doesn't mean you can talk to your boyfriend and you can't talk to anyone else. Game restriction doesn't mean you can't play the X-Box but you CAN play Play-station. Trying to hit the point home.

Chris comes walking down the stairs with a phone in his hand. A phone he just found UNDER Kayla's PILLOW. Guess who is on phone restriction??? Yeah............. Kayla.

Kayla says "It wasn't ME". Uh... yeah... someone planted it Kayla. I think not. Then she says "Kayte is in my room on the phone sometimes." For grins, we asked Kayte if she put the phone under Kayla's pillow - no she did not. It's CRYSTAL CLEAR to us that Kayla was lying. Chris was trying to get her to admit to it.

She would not.

She started crying... and Chris started shouting at her. Frankly.... I honestly believe they need to be yelled at MORE. She needed to know that lying is NOT okay. So... he's telling her that we are SICK AND TIRED of her lying all the time. Still she is denying any wrong-doing.

We then check the "calls dialed last" log. Kayla's friend. Kayla's boyfriend. Kayla's boyfriend again. Kayla's friend. Uh... STILL, if you can believe this, Kayla denies making any calls. Except her boyfriend. She did call him.... and then gave a reason why she did. Just as she did the other day... she admitted to a lie, but then would refuse to admit that she REALLY lied at all.

It's SOOOOOOOOOO frustrating. You just can't imagine.

Oh... and during all of this mess.... the phone rings:

Tina: "Hello" (In my normal chipper voice)
Caller: "KAYLA!!!" (Shouting!)
Tina: "Hello????"
Caller: "KAYLA!!!!"
Tina: "No, this is Tina. Who is this?
Caller hangs up.

IMMEDIATELY I call the number back. Literally two seconds later. Same guy answers. I say, "Hi, this is Tina. You just called my house and asked for Kayla. Who is this???"

This freaking kid claims he did NOT call my house. He said "someone else was using my phone". I tell him, you just called here TWO SECONDS AGO. He still claims he never made the call. Geez.... think he sounds like Kayla???

I tell this young man that I expect to never - EVER - receive another phone call from this number. He is NEVER welcome to call my home again.

Why these kids hang out with these losers.... I don't know. Absolutely NO phone etiquette AT ALL.

While driving the kids to Church tonight, I asked Kayla about her lies. She was making jokes about some lies she's told in the past that she couldn't BELIEVE she told. She told me about one time when she was babysitting this woman's baby. She was allowed to eat food out of the kitchen, but Kayla found some 'hidden' food in some other room. (A bedroom or office maybe.) The point is, the food was NOT in a place you would expect it to be. The 'food' she found was M&M's. When the woman came home, she noticed her "presidential M&M's" were missing. Apparently they were M&M's that she got while visiting the president of the United States and she was given these special edition M&M's... with the presidential seal on them. Kayla not only ate them, but then blamed the baby she was watching. She was laughing about it now, realizing that there was no way a "baby" was going to eat M&M's. But her candor and laughing about it, and my realization of how MANY stories like this Kayla has.... it's sad... and it's frightening.

I have lots more I could blog about here... but honestly - Chris just left to pick the kids up from Church and he's leaving tomorrow for work - A.G.A.I.N. This is week 3 for this job... but it won't be a full week. Hopefully he'll be done on Wednesday because on Thursday our daughter is getting married. It's so hard to even fathom.

Amanda.

Married.

Ugg... I just can't even believe I'm this old.

Anyways, I want to spend my last night with Chris with HIM after getting the kids to bed, so I'll blog some more next week. Lots I want to fill you in on -- mainly about my new God-Daughter, Isabella. :o)

For now... I leave you with this. I think I should print it and put it in each kids room....

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. "Honor your father and mother"-which is the first commandment with a promise- "that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth." Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord." Ephesians - Chapter 6:1-4

1 comment:

Anonymous said...: Great blog post! I'm stunned at the lying from the girls, very disappointed in them for knowing the rules and flat out disobeying them. They totally know better and are just trying your patience. Maybe they should get more privileges taken away for each time they tell a lie as well.

I know how frustrating this is for you (I thought you were going to throw the phone, you coulda gotten more yards than Drew Brees did against the BUCS today) :-)

Keep the faith and know that they KNOW right from wrong and know that deep down inside, they do realize you're trying to teach them life lessons and not just discipline them for fun.

Hang in there this week, it's only a few days this go-around! I'm here for you at 3 a.m. if need be, just don't tell the girls you used the phone that late!! :-)

Love ya!; 8:17 PM

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In A Nutshell:

Here is a letter I sent to Dr. Phil which really sums everything up:
I am married to my high-school sweetheart (20 years this August), with two wonderful children (Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13). I have two sisters, both younger – I call them “my good sister” and “my bad sister”. My good sister is – well, good! Normal in every way. The bad one, Julie, has been in trouble since she was a kid. As a baby she cried all of the time. As a teenager she was in trouble all of the time. At the age of 14 or so I remember that she had run away from home to live with a grown man in Atlanta. This was one of many run a ways. As a teenager, she provided sexual favors to boys in school, as well as teachers. As a young adult she was arrested for prostitution. She’s done drugs ranging from marijuana to crack. She was diagnosed early on as bi-polar with personality disorder. She’s also a serious cutter to the point where she no longer hid the cuts. She’s cut things like “Ronald Cecchinni” into her arm… and “Fuck you Dr. XXX” on her stomach, in large letters. Julie is also a diagnosed sex-addict. She’s also recently (in the past year) begun ‘huffing’. (I honestly believe that this huffing has caused some permanent damage) She is currently 36yo.
Julie lost her husband Ron a year and a half ago as a result of Leukemia and Kidney Disease which the military attributed to his serving in the Gulf War. He left behind three children – Kayla who is now 15, Justin who is now 14 and Kayte who is now 13. Even when Julie was married, her psychiatric problems persisted. She has been hospitalized literally hundreds of times over the years. However, when her husband was alive, he would take care of the kids when Julie was mentally out of control. After Ron died, Julie lost control of the kids and her life. She began to spiral out of control, having pot parties at her home (to the point where the kids said a door would open and a cloud of smoke would come bellowing out of the room), smoking weed with her own kids, having sex all over the house with different men all the time, allowing young men (19 yo) to sleep over with her oldest daughter (only 14 at the time), and allowing Gang members to live in her home (she said she felt ‘safe’ with them there). In addition, she was attempting suicide daily, overdosing on medications hoping to not wake up the next morning. Mind you all of this while she was seeing her Psychologist every week and Psychiatrist once a month. Both of these Doctors knew what was going on at home, neither of them reported it to the proper authorities. I have even been told by one of them that he was told, by Julie, that she ‘heard voices telling her to hurt the children’ but that she was proud that she could ignore the voices. Still, these Doctors reported nothing.
I should add here that it was at some point in this period of time in Julie’s life when her children began suicide watches over their mom… each one taking turns to sit in a room with her at all hours (night and day) because their mom was less-likely to hurt herself while they were here. However, it didn’t always work – Julie constantly took pills in front of them trying to either dope herself up or overdose, and she would even cut herself in front of the kids.
Finally one day, she woke up furious that her last suicide attempt didn’t work. She got violent with her oldest daughter, police were called, and finally DCF was called. (I would like to add that we (other family members) had called DCF in the past to report things, but some of the cases were ‘unfounded’ and one other time the fled the state knowing CF only had jurisdiction in Florida.) DCF removed the children from the home in November 2005 and I gained custody of the Children shortly thereafter.
There are lots of things I could add here about my sister, DCF, and the horrible Foster Care or Custodial Care program we are involved with. However, that is not my main reason for writing to you.
Kayte, the youngest, seems to be adjusting pretty well. She has a tendency to trivialize what her mom has done and the seriousness of it, but I think that is normal given that it is her mom. Kayte was in counseling, but she feels it’s ‘a waste of time’.
Justin, the middle child, is okay. As a young boy I'm told he was a terror. He used to hit his mother and at one point (only 6yo) tried to jump off a building to kill himself. Since then, his anger has turned in to an endless smothering of love and caring. He does everything for his mom… from getting her whatever she needs to rubbing her feet and back. Justin has seen a psychiatrist since moving in with me who felt that his issues were brought on by trauma. It was also at that visit with the psychiatrist that he confided in myself and the Doctor that he had suicidal thoughts often while living at home with his mom in her ‘state of being’ after his dad died. However, since he moved in with me he has done so much better (and continues to improve daily) that she didn’t feel he even needed counseling at this time. He would, however, need counseling before he was reunited with his mom.
Kayla, the oldest, has serious issues. She is also currently in counseling but feels that it is ‘a waste of time’. Kayla has always lied and stolen things. Family members feel sorry for her because you can tell that she doesn’t really mean any ill will by it, but it’s been ‘the way she is’ for a very long time. By far her biggest problems are lying and her need for approval by men (young and old).
Since the kids have moved in with us, my husband and I have set up rules. The kids already had myspace accounts, so we set ground rules for it. 1) We needed the login names and passwords. 2) Profiles must be set to private. 3) The only people they were allowed to have on their friends list was people that they actually knew. When Kayla’s list climbed over 300, and she was found to have inappropriate conversations (wanting to sneak out and ‘hook up’ with young men), we made everyone cut their list down to 30 friends, which included myself. 4) All vulgar language and inappropriate photos would come off immediately and would be monitored by myself at any given time. At times, they try to put up ‘sexy’ pictures which immediately need to come down.
However recently I have found that she has multiple website things going on in an attempt to pick up young men. I'll outline a few here so that you understand the gravity of the situation: 1) I found her 'normal' myspace account set to 'public view'. She has over 11,000 profile views(meaning people looking at her pictures and wanting to know more about her). I had reset it to private many times, but she keeps going back and resetting it to public. 2) I have found another myspace account which she went by the name 'Shannon' and used it to pick up young men, tease them, then later tell them that she was 'taken' but refer them to her 'cousin, Kayla'. She'd then give them all of Kayla's information. Of course thiswas also set to public. 3) I have found another social network website that was like myspace in which she had ONLY men (mostly from other states) as her 'friends' whom she corresponded with. The emails back and forth basically said the same thing as all of the others... more on that in #4 - only these were guys that not only did she not know, but they were not even in the area! 4) All accounts that I have found had basically the same thing... her emailing guys wanting to know if she was pretty, if they wanted to 'hook up', talking about going to their 'crib' or meeting up with them somewhere, and constantly seeking approval and affirmation from these guys.
I believe she gets this from her mom. And the sad thing is, if you met her, you would love her. She is truly a GREAT kid… but she has serious issues. I’ve described to you Julie’s behavior and Kayla’s seems to be the same way. Neither can make decisions on their own that are ‘the right thing to do’, and both lack the understanding of simple values, morals and ethics. I could go into so many examples. How do I describe the utterly amazing difference between Julie’s parenting style and my own?
I know... Both Julie and I have myspace accounts set up to ‘monitor’ the kids. To illustrate the difference between Julie and myself, here is something that Julie and I both put on our myspace accounts. You are supposed to put something 'about yourself' by your picture. Here is mine: "I'm 38 years old. I have two amazing kids, Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13. I have great husband, Chris. I love to sing - and have been singing in Toast of Tampa Show Chorus for 10 years. I'm raising my nieces and nephew (12, 13 and 14). I love God and my family."And here is Julie's: "I am who I am and if you dont like me for me........FUCK YOU........ Plus if you dont like me for me....... Im gunna tell my kids and there gunna kick yer ass!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Here’s the other dilemma we are having; the two girls are in counseling that is costing me $25 EACH in co-payments every time they go. The State of Florida provides NO financial support to me as a relative caregiver, other than providing the three kids with Medicaid. They received small SSI checks because of their dad’s death, but it barely covers the food they consume. The DCF worker, having spoke with the girls and being told that therapy is ‘a waste of time’, has referred me to a clinic that DCF uses for cases such as this to seek mental care for Kayla (aswell as the others). However, the kids have TriCare as their primary insurance because their dad died from Military causes. TriCare requires the co-payment, regardless of the Medicaid secondary. Having said that, please understand that I worked in referrals in a primary care physician’s office for 16 years… I totally ‘get’ what is required for primary and secondary insurances and all the red tape. But because of the uniqueness of this situation, the kids are suffering!
I should also point out here that I have the kids for an indefinite period of time. Right now Julie is doing things that she has been told to do to get the kids back. However, she is still awaiting a court ordered detailed Psychiatric exam to determine if she can EVER parent again. Even if that Psychiatrist feels she can parent again, she’ll most likely need to be ‘clean’ and ‘episode-free’ for 6 months to a year minimum. In addition, Julie is only allowed supervised visits and one phone call a day. This came about because of her inappropriate behavior when she was with the kids and because when she was allowed to call any time she’d call 10 + times a day.
The other problem with Julie ever getting her children back is that… she doesn’t understand what she did wrong. She parents as if she were 15-years old herself. If anyone has ever done something bad and been able to ‘keep’ their kids, she sees no reason she can’t do it. She brought her daughter at the age of 13 in for a HUGE tattoo on the small of her back. It’s Tigger flipping ‘the bird’ with her gang name under it. She was also planning on getting a large tattoo on her 12yo before the kids were taken. Again, she sees nothing wrong with any of her past behavior.
So, you see, I could have these children for the rest of their teenage years. I honestly don’t know where to turn to get them the help they need.
I feel as if I am in a psychiatric nightmare and I just can’t wake up. Eight months ago I was at home, my biggest ‘kid worry’ was if my son was going to get good grades on his report card. Now I find myself in a crux worried about whether or not the lessons I teach them, this late in their young life, are going to be enough to turn these kids around and help them to be productive adults in the near future.

Tina's Daily Blog

Sunday, September 16, 2007

Lying and Playing Dumb

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