Tina's Daily Blog: Stressed To Tears

Monday, September 10, 2007

Stressed To Tears

Let me tell you how COMPLETELY different it is raising Julie's three teenagers. The things I have to deal with here that are SO totally different than what I had to deal with when I had Amanda.

The phone rings on Sunday. Some guy who calls himself "Dre". I picked up the phone at the same time as Justin did. I hear the guy ask to speak with Kayla.

Dre: "You man, lemme hit up Kayla".
Justin calls out Kayla's name. Justin is out of breath, he just finished mowing the grass. Then Justin says "Imma get her. So what's up Nigga?"
Dre says "Yo, Justin, you high Nigga?"
Justin said, "What?"
Dre repeats "Yo, man, are you high? Did you just smoke"
Justin said "Naw man, I don't smoke." Then he calls for Kayla again.

So.... what AM I supposed to think about this boy that the FIRST thing he thinks when talking to someone is that they are 'high'????? That and that this guy sounds like so many of the other guys who call the house.... like......... like he just robbed a liquor store. It's frustrating. I want them to STOP associating with these kinds of low-life people. We lead by example... but they do NOT always follow.

Just Sunday I found out - through checking Myspace accounts - that someone here is associating with a different kind of bad group at school. This 'group' is a couple of people who created a myspace page where they just 'gossip' and spread rumors about people. They talk about who slept with who and where, who is kissing one person while going out with someone else, and they make fun of people and call them losers and whores and such... even creating a top 10 list. Just.... mean and hateful stuff. The page was designed for one thing, to get people angry and upset. Today I find out that someone here not only participates in this gossip, but is actually a 'reporter' for them... telling them who is kissing who and who slept with who. It's sad. The kids who have been 'hurt' by these rumors are VERY angry. To the point where the 'creators' of the page know if their names are ever found out they could be 'killed' for it. It hurts to read the myspace messages from friends who have been hurt by things that were said and for someone here to claim to know nothing about who the people are or where they are getting their information from. I see a spinning a web of lies that could EASILY get someone hurt.It's not a matter of 'if' people find out... it's when they find out. Surely this will come out before too long.

Ah kids!

Speaking of kids... I had a bit of a fight yesterday with Kayla. Okay... picture this....

Her bedroom... she loves hair stuff. She uses TONS of hair gel and hair spray. If you walk into her bedroom and feel the counters... they are all covered with a film.... mostly hair spray and some blobs of hair gel here and there. This isn't a new problem... remember we recently made HER pay to dry-clean the carpet.

In her bedroom she has DVD's. One I just recently took OUT of her room (because it's my movie and one of my 2 all-time favorites, "A Walk To Remember"). Where were the DVD's??? On her dresser of course. With the splattered spray and goop everywhere. I go to try to play the DVD and it won't play. It's COVERED with this same film that's all over her dresser.

So, of course, I fuss at Kayla about this. Now... I fully realize that there is nothing she can actually do at this time to FIX the problem. Sure, she could buy me another DVD with her own work money.... but my concern at the time was to express to her that SHE damaged one of MY DVD's.

Surely she could plainly see the logic in my thinking that it was HER hair spray and gel that was the cause of the FILM all over the DVD. Instead.... she just denied that it could POSSIBLY be any fault of hers.

HOW can you DENY any responsibility for this????? It boggles my mind. And worse still is that now, instead of just simply trying to get her to acknowledge fault and feel some guilt (which was the lesson I was TRYING to teach her)... now I have to ARGUE with her.

Sigh..........

Chris is gone today - it's Monday. He's back working at the beach. I've had a HORRIBLE day. I had to leave work early because of a fight that broke out here at the house. Jonathan got REALLY angry. I could go into that whole fight, but I won't. Suffice to say I left work early because of the SCREAMING that was going on over the phone. Thank goodness I work only a mile or so from home. However, by the time I got home, Chris was on the phone talking to Jonathan and had calmed the whole thing down quite a bit. Yeah Chris!! Then at 5:30 I had to take Jono to piano practice, then by 6:30 to school for a chorus meeting. I then dropped him off at home and ran to bible study. Bible study is usually over by 9 but tonight we didn't get done till 9:45 or so. Kayla got off work at 9 so she was waiting for me. I JUST now got in for the night... it's 10:12 at night.

I found myself so stressed tonight that - on the way to pick up Kayla I was crying in the car. Not for any one particular reason. It's just.................... hard.

The car is driving horribly. The kids are fighting. Chris is gone for the week. Amanda is stressing about things pertaining to her wedding. Other things that, well, I just don't blog about here. Then again... of these things - WHAT can I control?? None of them. So, no real reason to 'worry' really, right? Sigh........

I'm even kicking myself because my family hasn't been over to visit Katie, Tony and the new baby. How awful is that? We've just truly had NO time. Not one single hour. Sad, huh?

Okay.... now.... I just checked voice mail (since I just got in). There is a voice mail from one of Justin's teachers. He has 2 D's currently in school. One of the D's is Biology. The biology teacher just called the house to tell me that she can't keep Justin from talking. He talks "all the time" and that he speaks so randomly about anything that she honestly believes that he likes to just "hear himself talk". And.... Justin sitting there listening to the message (cuz I made him get down here and listen to it) shaking his head like he has NO idea what the heck she is talking about. Were this the FIRST teacher to tell us this, he might could get away with that head-shake in disbelief. However, it's not. Teachers last year and the year before said the same thing. One telling me that she could put him in a corner away from everyone and he would STILL find a way to disrupt the class. Likes to hear himself talk. I'm FURIOUS at him.

I did Chris's speech.... "If you can't control yourself, I WILL CONTROL YOU. I will control what you eat and when, what you do and do not do, what you watch, e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g." Shake his head at me. GRRRRRRRRRRR

I should run. I'm not feeling very inspired today. I actually feel like I've been hit by a car. A car driven by teenagers. I feel........ I feel like I'm doing no good here. I'm losing the battle. Like........

sigh.........

Yeah... it's been a REALLY bad day today. I'll just close with that.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...: Tina, leading by example will take time. Right now they are reverting back to what is comfortable for them. Just look at they types of people their mother associated with. That's what they know. Until they come to their senses, you will need to lay down rules about who they can associate with. I once met a friend of Anthony's when he was 14 and told him that this guy was NEVER allowed in my house, and that he had to quit associating with him. It worked, and later the guy ended up in prison... they will learn. Patience; 9:30 AM

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In A Nutshell:

Here is a letter I sent to Dr. Phil which really sums everything up:
I am married to my high-school sweetheart (20 years this August), with two wonderful children (Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13). I have two sisters, both younger – I call them “my good sister” and “my bad sister”. My good sister is – well, good! Normal in every way. The bad one, Julie, has been in trouble since she was a kid. As a baby she cried all of the time. As a teenager she was in trouble all of the time. At the age of 14 or so I remember that she had run away from home to live with a grown man in Atlanta. This was one of many run a ways. As a teenager, she provided sexual favors to boys in school, as well as teachers. As a young adult she was arrested for prostitution. She’s done drugs ranging from marijuana to crack. She was diagnosed early on as bi-polar with personality disorder. She’s also a serious cutter to the point where she no longer hid the cuts. She’s cut things like “Ronald Cecchinni” into her arm… and “Fuck you Dr. XXX” on her stomach, in large letters. Julie is also a diagnosed sex-addict. She’s also recently (in the past year) begun ‘huffing’. (I honestly believe that this huffing has caused some permanent damage) She is currently 36yo.
Julie lost her husband Ron a year and a half ago as a result of Leukemia and Kidney Disease which the military attributed to his serving in the Gulf War. He left behind three children – Kayla who is now 15, Justin who is now 14 and Kayte who is now 13. Even when Julie was married, her psychiatric problems persisted. She has been hospitalized literally hundreds of times over the years. However, when her husband was alive, he would take care of the kids when Julie was mentally out of control. After Ron died, Julie lost control of the kids and her life. She began to spiral out of control, having pot parties at her home (to the point where the kids said a door would open and a cloud of smoke would come bellowing out of the room), smoking weed with her own kids, having sex all over the house with different men all the time, allowing young men (19 yo) to sleep over with her oldest daughter (only 14 at the time), and allowing Gang members to live in her home (she said she felt ‘safe’ with them there). In addition, she was attempting suicide daily, overdosing on medications hoping to not wake up the next morning. Mind you all of this while she was seeing her Psychologist every week and Psychiatrist once a month. Both of these Doctors knew what was going on at home, neither of them reported it to the proper authorities. I have even been told by one of them that he was told, by Julie, that she ‘heard voices telling her to hurt the children’ but that she was proud that she could ignore the voices. Still, these Doctors reported nothing.
I should add here that it was at some point in this period of time in Julie’s life when her children began suicide watches over their mom… each one taking turns to sit in a room with her at all hours (night and day) because their mom was less-likely to hurt herself while they were here. However, it didn’t always work – Julie constantly took pills in front of them trying to either dope herself up or overdose, and she would even cut herself in front of the kids.
Finally one day, she woke up furious that her last suicide attempt didn’t work. She got violent with her oldest daughter, police were called, and finally DCF was called. (I would like to add that we (other family members) had called DCF in the past to report things, but some of the cases were ‘unfounded’ and one other time the fled the state knowing CF only had jurisdiction in Florida.) DCF removed the children from the home in November 2005 and I gained custody of the Children shortly thereafter.
There are lots of things I could add here about my sister, DCF, and the horrible Foster Care or Custodial Care program we are involved with. However, that is not my main reason for writing to you.
Kayte, the youngest, seems to be adjusting pretty well. She has a tendency to trivialize what her mom has done and the seriousness of it, but I think that is normal given that it is her mom. Kayte was in counseling, but she feels it’s ‘a waste of time’.
Justin, the middle child, is okay. As a young boy I'm told he was a terror. He used to hit his mother and at one point (only 6yo) tried to jump off a building to kill himself. Since then, his anger has turned in to an endless smothering of love and caring. He does everything for his mom… from getting her whatever she needs to rubbing her feet and back. Justin has seen a psychiatrist since moving in with me who felt that his issues were brought on by trauma. It was also at that visit with the psychiatrist that he confided in myself and the Doctor that he had suicidal thoughts often while living at home with his mom in her ‘state of being’ after his dad died. However, since he moved in with me he has done so much better (and continues to improve daily) that she didn’t feel he even needed counseling at this time. He would, however, need counseling before he was reunited with his mom.
Kayla, the oldest, has serious issues. She is also currently in counseling but feels that it is ‘a waste of time’. Kayla has always lied and stolen things. Family members feel sorry for her because you can tell that she doesn’t really mean any ill will by it, but it’s been ‘the way she is’ for a very long time. By far her biggest problems are lying and her need for approval by men (young and old).
Since the kids have moved in with us, my husband and I have set up rules. The kids already had myspace accounts, so we set ground rules for it. 1) We needed the login names and passwords. 2) Profiles must be set to private. 3) The only people they were allowed to have on their friends list was people that they actually knew. When Kayla’s list climbed over 300, and she was found to have inappropriate conversations (wanting to sneak out and ‘hook up’ with young men), we made everyone cut their list down to 30 friends, which included myself. 4) All vulgar language and inappropriate photos would come off immediately and would be monitored by myself at any given time. At times, they try to put up ‘sexy’ pictures which immediately need to come down.
However recently I have found that she has multiple website things going on in an attempt to pick up young men. I'll outline a few here so that you understand the gravity of the situation: 1) I found her 'normal' myspace account set to 'public view'. She has over 11,000 profile views(meaning people looking at her pictures and wanting to know more about her). I had reset it to private many times, but she keeps going back and resetting it to public. 2) I have found another myspace account which she went by the name 'Shannon' and used it to pick up young men, tease them, then later tell them that she was 'taken' but refer them to her 'cousin, Kayla'. She'd then give them all of Kayla's information. Of course thiswas also set to public. 3) I have found another social network website that was like myspace in which she had ONLY men (mostly from other states) as her 'friends' whom she corresponded with. The emails back and forth basically said the same thing as all of the others... more on that in #4 - only these were guys that not only did she not know, but they were not even in the area! 4) All accounts that I have found had basically the same thing... her emailing guys wanting to know if she was pretty, if they wanted to 'hook up', talking about going to their 'crib' or meeting up with them somewhere, and constantly seeking approval and affirmation from these guys.
I believe she gets this from her mom. And the sad thing is, if you met her, you would love her. She is truly a GREAT kid… but she has serious issues. I’ve described to you Julie’s behavior and Kayla’s seems to be the same way. Neither can make decisions on their own that are ‘the right thing to do’, and both lack the understanding of simple values, morals and ethics. I could go into so many examples. How do I describe the utterly amazing difference between Julie’s parenting style and my own?
I know... Both Julie and I have myspace accounts set up to ‘monitor’ the kids. To illustrate the difference between Julie and myself, here is something that Julie and I both put on our myspace accounts. You are supposed to put something 'about yourself' by your picture. Here is mine: "I'm 38 years old. I have two amazing kids, Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13. I have great husband, Chris. I love to sing - and have been singing in Toast of Tampa Show Chorus for 10 years. I'm raising my nieces and nephew (12, 13 and 14). I love God and my family."And here is Julie's: "I am who I am and if you dont like me for me........FUCK YOU........ Plus if you dont like me for me....... Im gunna tell my kids and there gunna kick yer ass!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Here’s the other dilemma we are having; the two girls are in counseling that is costing me $25 EACH in co-payments every time they go. The State of Florida provides NO financial support to me as a relative caregiver, other than providing the three kids with Medicaid. They received small SSI checks because of their dad’s death, but it barely covers the food they consume. The DCF worker, having spoke with the girls and being told that therapy is ‘a waste of time’, has referred me to a clinic that DCF uses for cases such as this to seek mental care for Kayla (aswell as the others). However, the kids have TriCare as their primary insurance because their dad died from Military causes. TriCare requires the co-payment, regardless of the Medicaid secondary. Having said that, please understand that I worked in referrals in a primary care physician’s office for 16 years… I totally ‘get’ what is required for primary and secondary insurances and all the red tape. But because of the uniqueness of this situation, the kids are suffering!
I should also point out here that I have the kids for an indefinite period of time. Right now Julie is doing things that she has been told to do to get the kids back. However, she is still awaiting a court ordered detailed Psychiatric exam to determine if she can EVER parent again. Even if that Psychiatrist feels she can parent again, she’ll most likely need to be ‘clean’ and ‘episode-free’ for 6 months to a year minimum. In addition, Julie is only allowed supervised visits and one phone call a day. This came about because of her inappropriate behavior when she was with the kids and because when she was allowed to call any time she’d call 10 + times a day.
The other problem with Julie ever getting her children back is that… she doesn’t understand what she did wrong. She parents as if she were 15-years old herself. If anyone has ever done something bad and been able to ‘keep’ their kids, she sees no reason she can’t do it. She brought her daughter at the age of 13 in for a HUGE tattoo on the small of her back. It’s Tigger flipping ‘the bird’ with her gang name under it. She was also planning on getting a large tattoo on her 12yo before the kids were taken. Again, she sees nothing wrong with any of her past behavior.
So, you see, I could have these children for the rest of their teenage years. I honestly don’t know where to turn to get them the help they need.
I feel as if I am in a psychiatric nightmare and I just can’t wake up. Eight months ago I was at home, my biggest ‘kid worry’ was if my son was going to get good grades on his report card. Now I find myself in a crux worried about whether or not the lessons I teach them, this late in their young life, are going to be enough to turn these kids around and help them to be productive adults in the near future.

Tina's Daily Blog

Monday, September 10, 2007

Stressed To Tears

1 comment:

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