Tina's Daily Blog: Are We Having Fun Yet?

Saturday, May 06, 2006

Are We Having Fun Yet?

Pretty busy weekend for me - Chris is up in Jacksonville watching the Men's District competition... he's rooming with Amanda. I'm kinda jealous that he got to go the Men's and I missed the women's... but - eh - I'm not really upset about it. He'll be back tomorrow afternoon.
I had a very busy day today. Katie gave me a massage gift certificate for my birthday which I used this morning... my LORDY it was simply wonderful! So so so so very relaxing! Then I met mom and Julie for lunch for kind of an early mother's day brunch kinda thing. Then Julie and mom came over and swam for a while with the kids. It was good - chaotic - but good. Jonathan was kind of bouncing off the walls and had to be punished often, but he'd forgotten to take his medicine this morning, so it's pretty normal when that happens. The house was pretty clean before everything 'started' at the house... but then the kids got hungry and made themselves lunch, and you wouldn't believe the mess. Plates and cups everywhere - food everywhere - nothing put away - peanut butter on surfaces from the counter top and cabinet doors to the patio floor outside. Ice cream dropped on the kitchen floor and melted. Just...... stuff everywhere. Sometimes I almost forget how exhausting it is to keep on top of all four of them to get them to clean up after themselves, but I was quickly reminded while mom and Julie were here. Julie was telling them that 'they never made a mess at home'.... yeah... that makes me feel really good. Sigh....

Julie was pretty good with them. She cuddled a lot with them - and it was funny - at one point, mom jumped into Julie's arms (in the pool) just like the kids were - telling them she wanted them to see how silly it looked. Julie and the kids didn't get it, but I did. See, Julie sometimes acts with them and treats them like they are still babies with the whole cuddle with me - love on me, kind of thing. But that's Julie's neediness. Oh.... and then Julie had them do her feet... EWWWWW. Now --- I hate feet to begin with -- but Julie's feet are really ICKY! Anyways... next subject!

I'm still debating on Chorus (Toast of Tampa). They raised their dues to $40 a month - just to sing - that doesn't include costume cost, initial joining fees, retreats, competitions.... it's just to sing. At first I thought -- I'd just go on Tuesday nights to sing and make up my mind not to compete or go to any retreats or anything extra. Honestly, it would be worth the $40 a month if I could just fill the void in my life by singing with them only on Tuesday nights. But, I know the pressure to compete - it's why everyone works so hard on Tuesday nights. So, I'm really not sure what to do right now... but I'll continue to pray about it. God will let me know, I just know He has the answers.

Kayte went to the therapist on Friday night. I think it went pretty well... but Kayte told her that she honestly didn't want to be there. Kayte doesn't really think she has problems... and she really doesn't have 'problems' -- what she does have (as the therapist pointed out to me) is learned behavior from her mom. I told the therapist that there are a few areas I'd like worked on for Kayte... her whining and making us explain things over and over and over again that we know she already knows..... her inner belief that she is going home to live with her mom very soon..... and her deceptive behavior (lying about things that happen at school, lying about her age to young men, trying to figure out how to sneak out of the house to hook up with friends). Those were the main things.... of course we'll see how things progress. The therapist couldn't be happier about Kayla's progress.

Oooooo-- speaking of progress.... let me tell you something else Julie did today.....

So I've told Julie that the kids are now listening to Christian music quite a lot, and that they even know the words to them, sing along with them, and ask for certain songs to be played in the car. Julie's response... "Okay guys, so when you come home to live with me, you still want to listen to this kind of music?" The kids reply "yes". Julie says "oh really.... so when I drop you off at school it's okay if I pull up with the windows down blasting this music really loud - you'd be okay with that?". Now... I'm sorry... that's just not a fair question. What you have to understand about Julie's music is that she listens to things they CANT play on a radio. Now... a known fact about me is that I like Rap music. My car radio is programmed as #1, 98.7 (rap) and #2 91.5 (Christian). And I listen and sing Barbershop... go figure, I'm a freak, I know. But Julie doesn't listen to just the dirty versions of songs they play on the radio (radio edit versions have the bad words missing) -- Julie listens to music that is nothing short of vulgar and explicit, so much so that they can not bleep out enough of the song to be able to play any of it on the radio. Why.... WHY would she not be happy that her kids were experiencing something different and just....... simply........... appreciate it, even if it's just short-term? I don't expect them to go back home and blast Christian music as they pull up to school... but I am hoping to instill the values in them to where they will know that the lyrics of the songs their mom listens to is unacceptable - certainly unacceptable for public listening, but hopefully unacceptable for what they want to listen to. But again I ask... why would Julie even say something like that??

I was at this moment today when I felt that -- what I'm doing here might really be in vein -- that there really is a possibility that they will go home and go right back to doing things that they used to do. And... not just talking music here by any means... but the bad friends... the gangs... drugs.... sex... unsupervised and free to do whatever they want. Sigh... I guess I really shouldn't think like that. Faith, Tina... have faith.

Well, it's late and I need to get four kiddos to bed. Pray for all of us, and pray for Chris and Amanda that they will have a safe journey home from Jacksonville tomorrow afternoon.

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In A Nutshell:

Here is a letter I sent to Dr. Phil which really sums everything up:
I am married to my high-school sweetheart (20 years this August), with two wonderful children (Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13). I have two sisters, both younger – I call them “my good sister” and “my bad sister”. My good sister is – well, good! Normal in every way. The bad one, Julie, has been in trouble since she was a kid. As a baby she cried all of the time. As a teenager she was in trouble all of the time. At the age of 14 or so I remember that she had run away from home to live with a grown man in Atlanta. This was one of many run a ways. As a teenager, she provided sexual favors to boys in school, as well as teachers. As a young adult she was arrested for prostitution. She’s done drugs ranging from marijuana to crack. She was diagnosed early on as bi-polar with personality disorder. She’s also a serious cutter to the point where she no longer hid the cuts. She’s cut things like “Ronald Cecchinni” into her arm… and “Fuck you Dr. XXX” on her stomach, in large letters. Julie is also a diagnosed sex-addict. She’s also recently (in the past year) begun ‘huffing’. (I honestly believe that this huffing has caused some permanent damage) She is currently 36yo.
Julie lost her husband Ron a year and a half ago as a result of Leukemia and Kidney Disease which the military attributed to his serving in the Gulf War. He left behind three children – Kayla who is now 15, Justin who is now 14 and Kayte who is now 13. Even when Julie was married, her psychiatric problems persisted. She has been hospitalized literally hundreds of times over the years. However, when her husband was alive, he would take care of the kids when Julie was mentally out of control. After Ron died, Julie lost control of the kids and her life. She began to spiral out of control, having pot parties at her home (to the point where the kids said a door would open and a cloud of smoke would come bellowing out of the room), smoking weed with her own kids, having sex all over the house with different men all the time, allowing young men (19 yo) to sleep over with her oldest daughter (only 14 at the time), and allowing Gang members to live in her home (she said she felt ‘safe’ with them there). In addition, she was attempting suicide daily, overdosing on medications hoping to not wake up the next morning. Mind you all of this while she was seeing her Psychologist every week and Psychiatrist once a month. Both of these Doctors knew what was going on at home, neither of them reported it to the proper authorities. I have even been told by one of them that he was told, by Julie, that she ‘heard voices telling her to hurt the children’ but that she was proud that she could ignore the voices. Still, these Doctors reported nothing.
I should add here that it was at some point in this period of time in Julie’s life when her children began suicide watches over their mom… each one taking turns to sit in a room with her at all hours (night and day) because their mom was less-likely to hurt herself while they were here. However, it didn’t always work – Julie constantly took pills in front of them trying to either dope herself up or overdose, and she would even cut herself in front of the kids.
Finally one day, she woke up furious that her last suicide attempt didn’t work. She got violent with her oldest daughter, police were called, and finally DCF was called. (I would like to add that we (other family members) had called DCF in the past to report things, but some of the cases were ‘unfounded’ and one other time the fled the state knowing CF only had jurisdiction in Florida.) DCF removed the children from the home in November 2005 and I gained custody of the Children shortly thereafter.
There are lots of things I could add here about my sister, DCF, and the horrible Foster Care or Custodial Care program we are involved with. However, that is not my main reason for writing to you.
Kayte, the youngest, seems to be adjusting pretty well. She has a tendency to trivialize what her mom has done and the seriousness of it, but I think that is normal given that it is her mom. Kayte was in counseling, but she feels it’s ‘a waste of time’.
Justin, the middle child, is okay. As a young boy I'm told he was a terror. He used to hit his mother and at one point (only 6yo) tried to jump off a building to kill himself. Since then, his anger has turned in to an endless smothering of love and caring. He does everything for his mom… from getting her whatever she needs to rubbing her feet and back. Justin has seen a psychiatrist since moving in with me who felt that his issues were brought on by trauma. It was also at that visit with the psychiatrist that he confided in myself and the Doctor that he had suicidal thoughts often while living at home with his mom in her ‘state of being’ after his dad died. However, since he moved in with me he has done so much better (and continues to improve daily) that she didn’t feel he even needed counseling at this time. He would, however, need counseling before he was reunited with his mom.
Kayla, the oldest, has serious issues. She is also currently in counseling but feels that it is ‘a waste of time’. Kayla has always lied and stolen things. Family members feel sorry for her because you can tell that she doesn’t really mean any ill will by it, but it’s been ‘the way she is’ for a very long time. By far her biggest problems are lying and her need for approval by men (young and old).
Since the kids have moved in with us, my husband and I have set up rules. The kids already had myspace accounts, so we set ground rules for it. 1) We needed the login names and passwords. 2) Profiles must be set to private. 3) The only people they were allowed to have on their friends list was people that they actually knew. When Kayla’s list climbed over 300, and she was found to have inappropriate conversations (wanting to sneak out and ‘hook up’ with young men), we made everyone cut their list down to 30 friends, which included myself. 4) All vulgar language and inappropriate photos would come off immediately and would be monitored by myself at any given time. At times, they try to put up ‘sexy’ pictures which immediately need to come down.
However recently I have found that she has multiple website things going on in an attempt to pick up young men. I'll outline a few here so that you understand the gravity of the situation: 1) I found her 'normal' myspace account set to 'public view'. She has over 11,000 profile views(meaning people looking at her pictures and wanting to know more about her). I had reset it to private many times, but she keeps going back and resetting it to public. 2) I have found another myspace account which she went by the name 'Shannon' and used it to pick up young men, tease them, then later tell them that she was 'taken' but refer them to her 'cousin, Kayla'. She'd then give them all of Kayla's information. Of course thiswas also set to public. 3) I have found another social network website that was like myspace in which she had ONLY men (mostly from other states) as her 'friends' whom she corresponded with. The emails back and forth basically said the same thing as all of the others... more on that in #4 - only these were guys that not only did she not know, but they were not even in the area! 4) All accounts that I have found had basically the same thing... her emailing guys wanting to know if she was pretty, if they wanted to 'hook up', talking about going to their 'crib' or meeting up with them somewhere, and constantly seeking approval and affirmation from these guys.
I believe she gets this from her mom. And the sad thing is, if you met her, you would love her. She is truly a GREAT kid… but she has serious issues. I’ve described to you Julie’s behavior and Kayla’s seems to be the same way. Neither can make decisions on their own that are ‘the right thing to do’, and both lack the understanding of simple values, morals and ethics. I could go into so many examples. How do I describe the utterly amazing difference between Julie’s parenting style and my own?
I know... Both Julie and I have myspace accounts set up to ‘monitor’ the kids. To illustrate the difference between Julie and myself, here is something that Julie and I both put on our myspace accounts. You are supposed to put something 'about yourself' by your picture. Here is mine: "I'm 38 years old. I have two amazing kids, Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13. I have great husband, Chris. I love to sing - and have been singing in Toast of Tampa Show Chorus for 10 years. I'm raising my nieces and nephew (12, 13 and 14). I love God and my family."And here is Julie's: "I am who I am and if you dont like me for me........FUCK YOU........ Plus if you dont like me for me....... Im gunna tell my kids and there gunna kick yer ass!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Here’s the other dilemma we are having; the two girls are in counseling that is costing me $25 EACH in co-payments every time they go. The State of Florida provides NO financial support to me as a relative caregiver, other than providing the three kids with Medicaid. They received small SSI checks because of their dad’s death, but it barely covers the food they consume. The DCF worker, having spoke with the girls and being told that therapy is ‘a waste of time’, has referred me to a clinic that DCF uses for cases such as this to seek mental care for Kayla (aswell as the others). However, the kids have TriCare as their primary insurance because their dad died from Military causes. TriCare requires the co-payment, regardless of the Medicaid secondary. Having said that, please understand that I worked in referrals in a primary care physician’s office for 16 years… I totally ‘get’ what is required for primary and secondary insurances and all the red tape. But because of the uniqueness of this situation, the kids are suffering!
I should also point out here that I have the kids for an indefinite period of time. Right now Julie is doing things that she has been told to do to get the kids back. However, she is still awaiting a court ordered detailed Psychiatric exam to determine if she can EVER parent again. Even if that Psychiatrist feels she can parent again, she’ll most likely need to be ‘clean’ and ‘episode-free’ for 6 months to a year minimum. In addition, Julie is only allowed supervised visits and one phone call a day. This came about because of her inappropriate behavior when she was with the kids and because when she was allowed to call any time she’d call 10 + times a day.
The other problem with Julie ever getting her children back is that… she doesn’t understand what she did wrong. She parents as if she were 15-years old herself. If anyone has ever done something bad and been able to ‘keep’ their kids, she sees no reason she can’t do it. She brought her daughter at the age of 13 in for a HUGE tattoo on the small of her back. It’s Tigger flipping ‘the bird’ with her gang name under it. She was also planning on getting a large tattoo on her 12yo before the kids were taken. Again, she sees nothing wrong with any of her past behavior.
So, you see, I could have these children for the rest of their teenage years. I honestly don’t know where to turn to get them the help they need.
I feel as if I am in a psychiatric nightmare and I just can’t wake up. Eight months ago I was at home, my biggest ‘kid worry’ was if my son was going to get good grades on his report card. Now I find myself in a crux worried about whether or not the lessons I teach them, this late in their young life, are going to be enough to turn these kids around and help them to be productive adults in the near future.

Tina's Daily Blog

Saturday, May 06, 2006

Are We Having Fun Yet?

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