Tina's Daily Blog: Happy Mother's Day

Monday, May 15, 2006

Happy Mother's Day

It was a good weekend! Sunday Chris did all the laundry for me so that I didn't have to worry about doing that this weekend, the kids did their chores, and I was able to float around the pool for pretty much the entire day. For dinner, Chris, Amanda, Jono and I all went to dinner. I couldn't have possibly asked for a better day than I had on Sunday.

The rest of the weekend also went pretty well. We did lose the girls for a couple of hours. They had a friend come over to the house to sleep over on Friday night and they were going to 'meet her half-way' between her house and ours. Two hours later, they weren't home, so Chris and I went to find them. Of course, we didn't find them and they ended up back at the house before we did. They ended up meeting her AT her house, and the girl didn't have a phone at home (they use only cell phones and her mom wasn't home with her cell phone). They stayed at her house to help her clean up her bedroom, then came back home. We explained to them that they needed to call us when something like this happened, and that - if it was impossible to ever call and check in from this girl's house - then they simply couldn't go there any more. But everything was okay, we were just scared for a bit.

Because Chris has now lost his unemployment, we're having to really tighten the belt around home. We told the kids that they were no longer getting allowances, and they were pretty much okay with that. We also told them we were not going out or ordering in for dinner any more. This actually surprised me at how much it cost for all of us to eat out (or order in) a couple times a week. Pizza alone for two adults and 4 teens is a minimum of $50. Chris and I used to go out for dinner every week after Choir rehearsal on Thursdays (our 'date night'). But - we were averaging - are you ready for this? - $600 a month on average in food cost outside of Walmart/Publix/Kash n Karry/etc. Average! Ordering pizza was always good on nights when we have choir rehearsal or nights when I get home and am too tired to cook and the nights when we all go to see Doug and we stop and eat at McDonalds on the way was always good... but to save $600 a month I'd say make sandwiches or heat up leftovers!! Holy cajolie!!!!!

Doug is settled into his new home at Central Tampa Assisted Living. I haven't been to see him there yet, but I hope to get out there tonight. The problem is simply this.... get home at 5:30 or so... find something for dinner.... defrost.... help kids with homework.... begin to cook.... finish homework with kids.... clear homework table so we can eat on it.... kids set table.... eat dinner... clear table.... and by now it's 8:30 or so at night. Then it's kinda too late to go out and see Doug. Sigh... this is why it was easier to grab McDonalds on nights we went out there. But, we'll have to find a way to make it work.

Well... what's the latest and greatest with Julie? Oh - you'll love this. Friday afternoon I get a call from Julie. She's starving and has no food and no money. She tells me that she talked to Karen and that any food she'd get from Salvation Army or some food bank wouldn't really be enough for her (she is about 300 lbs) - so Karen was going to lie for her and tell them that she was feeding not only herself but also the 3 kids. I immediately called Karen and voiced my concern. First concern being that Julie was so quick and willing to pick up the phone and say "Karen is lying for me to be able to get more food". Second concern being that Julie needs to be able to do things on her own. Frankly, Julie does make enough money to survive. She makes roughly 30k alone (without the kids) tax free money, and has military benefits and insurance all paid for. Not too shabby I think. Anyways, the short version of the story is that Karen did not lie for her.

At church this week Pastor Matthew talked about stress - and how to manage it (or rather, not managing it yourself, but giving it to God instead). It's really odd how his sermons typically tie to what's going on in our lives. I am so incredibly stressed right now it's not even funny. Pastor Matthew emailed me back to tell me that "We never totally eliminate fear from our lives. We simply learn to face our fears with faith – an understanding that God is bigger than our problems.". It's really kind of funny... I'm so afraid right now of so many things that I really can't even put my finger on. Can't put my finger on because it starts off as one or two fears, then it engulfs your life to where you don't feel anything other than worry every day and every night. And I know that I have two choices to make... I can 1) let this fear continue to petrify me and feel 'like this' day in and day out - or - 2) I can give it to the Lord... allow Him to take my stress and my fears... and simply live day to day 'doing the right thing' and listening to what He wants me to do. Now... writing that it seems like it's such a very simple choice... but I lived petrified with fear and stress for many many years. In a way.... it seems like you are 'dealing with it' more when you live that way. Giving it to God seems as if you are simply choosing not to deal with it, which seems rather naive. I mean, I either have the money to pay bills or I don't. I either get out to see Doug regularly or I don't. I either do things and say things that have a positive impact on the kids daily or I don't. When you worry about things... like paying bills for example... it seems as if you need a VERB in there somewhere. If I WORRY about it, and it's still not paid, then I at least feel better when the collection letter comes knowing that I haven't been able to sleep in weeks because of the worry. I wonder what would happen if the collection letter came and I had slept fine for weeks... and I felt fine inside knowing that I had given this worry over to God. I suppose.... nothing physically changed - it's either paid or it's not. It's just how I feel mentally about it. And if I had to choose, of COURSE I should choose the non-worry way. Hmmmm... see how blogging helps? I feel better already!!!

I have to sit down and do another "Top 5" list... but I'm kind of hesitant to do so. It really helps people who want to do something to help our situation out in some way - big or small. However, the down side is that some people take it as a 'cry for help' and it becomes everyone's business what we do. It feels like God tells me to put it out there and what will happen is just part of 'the plan'. But it's an awful feeling being judged... I was even hesitant to put in my blog what I realized we were spending in outside food a month. But you know what I've learned?? 1) Feeding four growing teenagers is surreal. 2) Everything may not happen the way you want, but always the way God planned. 3) It doesn't matter what other people think, but it matters a great deal what God thinks.

I pray that God will come into my heart and take away my stress and worry. I pray that God will guide me with each decision I make every day, big or small. I pray that God will bless each and every person who thinks about us, prays for us, and comforts us. I pray that the Father will provide protection, provision and guidance for me and everyone who knows us. Amen.

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In A Nutshell:

Here is a letter I sent to Dr. Phil which really sums everything up:
I am married to my high-school sweetheart (20 years this August), with two wonderful children (Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13). I have two sisters, both younger – I call them “my good sister” and “my bad sister”. My good sister is – well, good! Normal in every way. The bad one, Julie, has been in trouble since she was a kid. As a baby she cried all of the time. As a teenager she was in trouble all of the time. At the age of 14 or so I remember that she had run away from home to live with a grown man in Atlanta. This was one of many run a ways. As a teenager, she provided sexual favors to boys in school, as well as teachers. As a young adult she was arrested for prostitution. She’s done drugs ranging from marijuana to crack. She was diagnosed early on as bi-polar with personality disorder. She’s also a serious cutter to the point where she no longer hid the cuts. She’s cut things like “Ronald Cecchinni” into her arm… and “Fuck you Dr. XXX” on her stomach, in large letters. Julie is also a diagnosed sex-addict. She’s also recently (in the past year) begun ‘huffing’. (I honestly believe that this huffing has caused some permanent damage) She is currently 36yo.
Julie lost her husband Ron a year and a half ago as a result of Leukemia and Kidney Disease which the military attributed to his serving in the Gulf War. He left behind three children – Kayla who is now 15, Justin who is now 14 and Kayte who is now 13. Even when Julie was married, her psychiatric problems persisted. She has been hospitalized literally hundreds of times over the years. However, when her husband was alive, he would take care of the kids when Julie was mentally out of control. After Ron died, Julie lost control of the kids and her life. She began to spiral out of control, having pot parties at her home (to the point where the kids said a door would open and a cloud of smoke would come bellowing out of the room), smoking weed with her own kids, having sex all over the house with different men all the time, allowing young men (19 yo) to sleep over with her oldest daughter (only 14 at the time), and allowing Gang members to live in her home (she said she felt ‘safe’ with them there). In addition, she was attempting suicide daily, overdosing on medications hoping to not wake up the next morning. Mind you all of this while she was seeing her Psychologist every week and Psychiatrist once a month. Both of these Doctors knew what was going on at home, neither of them reported it to the proper authorities. I have even been told by one of them that he was told, by Julie, that she ‘heard voices telling her to hurt the children’ but that she was proud that she could ignore the voices. Still, these Doctors reported nothing.
I should add here that it was at some point in this period of time in Julie’s life when her children began suicide watches over their mom… each one taking turns to sit in a room with her at all hours (night and day) because their mom was less-likely to hurt herself while they were here. However, it didn’t always work – Julie constantly took pills in front of them trying to either dope herself up or overdose, and she would even cut herself in front of the kids.
Finally one day, she woke up furious that her last suicide attempt didn’t work. She got violent with her oldest daughter, police were called, and finally DCF was called. (I would like to add that we (other family members) had called DCF in the past to report things, but some of the cases were ‘unfounded’ and one other time the fled the state knowing CF only had jurisdiction in Florida.) DCF removed the children from the home in November 2005 and I gained custody of the Children shortly thereafter.
There are lots of things I could add here about my sister, DCF, and the horrible Foster Care or Custodial Care program we are involved with. However, that is not my main reason for writing to you.
Kayte, the youngest, seems to be adjusting pretty well. She has a tendency to trivialize what her mom has done and the seriousness of it, but I think that is normal given that it is her mom. Kayte was in counseling, but she feels it’s ‘a waste of time’.
Justin, the middle child, is okay. As a young boy I'm told he was a terror. He used to hit his mother and at one point (only 6yo) tried to jump off a building to kill himself. Since then, his anger has turned in to an endless smothering of love and caring. He does everything for his mom… from getting her whatever she needs to rubbing her feet and back. Justin has seen a psychiatrist since moving in with me who felt that his issues were brought on by trauma. It was also at that visit with the psychiatrist that he confided in myself and the Doctor that he had suicidal thoughts often while living at home with his mom in her ‘state of being’ after his dad died. However, since he moved in with me he has done so much better (and continues to improve daily) that she didn’t feel he even needed counseling at this time. He would, however, need counseling before he was reunited with his mom.
Kayla, the oldest, has serious issues. She is also currently in counseling but feels that it is ‘a waste of time’. Kayla has always lied and stolen things. Family members feel sorry for her because you can tell that she doesn’t really mean any ill will by it, but it’s been ‘the way she is’ for a very long time. By far her biggest problems are lying and her need for approval by men (young and old).
Since the kids have moved in with us, my husband and I have set up rules. The kids already had myspace accounts, so we set ground rules for it. 1) We needed the login names and passwords. 2) Profiles must be set to private. 3) The only people they were allowed to have on their friends list was people that they actually knew. When Kayla’s list climbed over 300, and she was found to have inappropriate conversations (wanting to sneak out and ‘hook up’ with young men), we made everyone cut their list down to 30 friends, which included myself. 4) All vulgar language and inappropriate photos would come off immediately and would be monitored by myself at any given time. At times, they try to put up ‘sexy’ pictures which immediately need to come down.
However recently I have found that she has multiple website things going on in an attempt to pick up young men. I'll outline a few here so that you understand the gravity of the situation: 1) I found her 'normal' myspace account set to 'public view'. She has over 11,000 profile views(meaning people looking at her pictures and wanting to know more about her). I had reset it to private many times, but she keeps going back and resetting it to public. 2) I have found another myspace account which she went by the name 'Shannon' and used it to pick up young men, tease them, then later tell them that she was 'taken' but refer them to her 'cousin, Kayla'. She'd then give them all of Kayla's information. Of course thiswas also set to public. 3) I have found another social network website that was like myspace in which she had ONLY men (mostly from other states) as her 'friends' whom she corresponded with. The emails back and forth basically said the same thing as all of the others... more on that in #4 - only these were guys that not only did she not know, but they were not even in the area! 4) All accounts that I have found had basically the same thing... her emailing guys wanting to know if she was pretty, if they wanted to 'hook up', talking about going to their 'crib' or meeting up with them somewhere, and constantly seeking approval and affirmation from these guys.
I believe she gets this from her mom. And the sad thing is, if you met her, you would love her. She is truly a GREAT kid… but she has serious issues. I’ve described to you Julie’s behavior and Kayla’s seems to be the same way. Neither can make decisions on their own that are ‘the right thing to do’, and both lack the understanding of simple values, morals and ethics. I could go into so many examples. How do I describe the utterly amazing difference between Julie’s parenting style and my own?
I know... Both Julie and I have myspace accounts set up to ‘monitor’ the kids. To illustrate the difference between Julie and myself, here is something that Julie and I both put on our myspace accounts. You are supposed to put something 'about yourself' by your picture. Here is mine: "I'm 38 years old. I have two amazing kids, Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13. I have great husband, Chris. I love to sing - and have been singing in Toast of Tampa Show Chorus for 10 years. I'm raising my nieces and nephew (12, 13 and 14). I love God and my family."And here is Julie's: "I am who I am and if you dont like me for me........FUCK YOU........ Plus if you dont like me for me....... Im gunna tell my kids and there gunna kick yer ass!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Here’s the other dilemma we are having; the two girls are in counseling that is costing me $25 EACH in co-payments every time they go. The State of Florida provides NO financial support to me as a relative caregiver, other than providing the three kids with Medicaid. They received small SSI checks because of their dad’s death, but it barely covers the food they consume. The DCF worker, having spoke with the girls and being told that therapy is ‘a waste of time’, has referred me to a clinic that DCF uses for cases such as this to seek mental care for Kayla (aswell as the others). However, the kids have TriCare as their primary insurance because their dad died from Military causes. TriCare requires the co-payment, regardless of the Medicaid secondary. Having said that, please understand that I worked in referrals in a primary care physician’s office for 16 years… I totally ‘get’ what is required for primary and secondary insurances and all the red tape. But because of the uniqueness of this situation, the kids are suffering!
I should also point out here that I have the kids for an indefinite period of time. Right now Julie is doing things that she has been told to do to get the kids back. However, she is still awaiting a court ordered detailed Psychiatric exam to determine if she can EVER parent again. Even if that Psychiatrist feels she can parent again, she’ll most likely need to be ‘clean’ and ‘episode-free’ for 6 months to a year minimum. In addition, Julie is only allowed supervised visits and one phone call a day. This came about because of her inappropriate behavior when she was with the kids and because when she was allowed to call any time she’d call 10 + times a day.
The other problem with Julie ever getting her children back is that… she doesn’t understand what she did wrong. She parents as if she were 15-years old herself. If anyone has ever done something bad and been able to ‘keep’ their kids, she sees no reason she can’t do it. She brought her daughter at the age of 13 in for a HUGE tattoo on the small of her back. It’s Tigger flipping ‘the bird’ with her gang name under it. She was also planning on getting a large tattoo on her 12yo before the kids were taken. Again, she sees nothing wrong with any of her past behavior.
So, you see, I could have these children for the rest of their teenage years. I honestly don’t know where to turn to get them the help they need.
I feel as if I am in a psychiatric nightmare and I just can’t wake up. Eight months ago I was at home, my biggest ‘kid worry’ was if my son was going to get good grades on his report card. Now I find myself in a crux worried about whether or not the lessons I teach them, this late in their young life, are going to be enough to turn these kids around and help them to be productive adults in the near future.

Tina's Daily Blog

Monday, May 15, 2006

Happy Mother's Day

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