Tina's Daily Blog: Busy Weekend

Monday, May 01, 2006

Busy Weekend - Sort-of

Well, it was a good weekend. Saturday the chorus I used to sing with, Toast of Tampa, (gave you all that info in the last post) competed and kicked BUTT! They got a super high score - highest ever for our region! I wanted to be there, but my car is still dying on me, so I was afraid to go. Amanda went though and she said LOTS of people asked about me (laughing as she said they didn't ask how SHE was doing, they asked how her mom was). I was an International Appointment to the Regional Management Team, so lots of people from the Region know me, and in the chorus I was their Prez and the Tenor section leader - so everyone there knows me. I miss it all so very much. But - I think God is opening that door for me very soon. I just... feel it.

Saturday we took the kids to Busch Gardens for a little while. It was fun but tiring. It didn't help that I have a cut on my foot - but I really do need to get some of my weight off. For those of you who may not know this, 3 years ago I was about 120 lbs. Yeah... I know I know. See, I had Gallbladder surgery and lost a TON of weight. It hurt to eat, so I simply didn't. Then after the surgery, I had tummy 'problems' (called Dumping Syndrome) every time I ate something, so I continued to not eat. I did eat sweets and pasta. For some reason, when I ate sweets and some carbs in pasta, I didn't have the problems. So, I would go for literally days without eating a 'meal' and eat an occasional cookie or ice cream bar. When I was this thin, I quite literally thought I was going to die. I saw many doctors but nothing seemed to help. This continued for 2 years after my GB surgery. Then I began working at a job where they told me I should eat lunch every day with 'the team' and they tied it to a financial goal (bonus) for me. Now... those of you who know my work ethic - if you tell me to set a goal and once I achieve it I'm going to get money, I'm doing it! So I did... and I found out that when I ate more often - guess what? I didn't have the problem. That whole time, I was in a vicious cycle - spiraling down. However, as I ate lunch every day for the first time in - again quite literally - years, I began to gain weight. I saw a nutritionist about a year and a half ago who told me that this behavior for years had totally messed up my metabolism and that it could take me years to get my body back to normal. Well, it's been a couple years, and I'm ready to get back to it. I never - ever - ever want to feel like I felt back then. Wondering every night if this was the night I wasn't going to wake up and see my kids or husband again... I would be so tired throughout the day, I slept either under my desk or in my car every day at lunch... I knew not to exercise because eating 150 calories every few days meant I had no extra calories to give to exercising so it would take muscle mass from me. Again, I never want to go there again, but I don't want to be heavy all my life either. And Chris has been so supportive of me over the years - through thin and fat. LOL Love you baby! Okay... enough about that!

So Sunday we went to Church. There was a new girl up singing in the Praise Team, which I really wanted to do as well. It was kind of good though, because I felt really happy for her and when the thought crossed my mind of 'why not me', I felt God was telling me not to worry, that Barbershop was my true gift and I would be there very soon. Then I think - next international competition is in Canada, which should be very expensive, so how am I going to do that? But... I know God has it already planned out and I trust Him. Laughing at myself here... I'm thinking to myself "Yes, God, I trust You and will patiently wait for You... just hurry up!"

We then went to visit a place where they want Doug to live. It's called Central Tampa Assisted Living. It's listed as a "Memory Support Facility specializing in Alzheimer's & Dementia care." Again, there is so much to consider when these kinds of decisions have to be made. I've been trying to leave as much as possilbe in Chris's hands - I tend to have a 'take charge and take over' kind of attitude. Then we got some really bad news... Doug has one living brother who is 5 years older than he, his name is Donald. Donald's wife called to tell us that he's been diagnosed with Lung and Brain cancer... he only has about 3 months. She wanted us to pray that the Lord would take him quickly and as painless as possible. They actually found out 2-1/2 weeks ago, but didn'tk now how to tell Doug. So they figured they'd call us and have Chris tell Doug. It's very sad... I think Chris is going to see his dad today so maybe he'll find a way to tell him. We considered not telling him - but we also want him to call his brother while he still can and there's no way to do that without him knowing. So... we're going to have to tell him.

So, Sunday night the kids go to JAM - and this week they had something special for the parents as well. They had counselors there to educate parents about their teenage kids. So, they give us this list of common words kids use... huffing, friends with benefits, recreational use of prescription drugs, serial sex, cutters.... just lots of things that were intended to freak out parents because Parents didn't know anything about this stuff, but their kids have heard all about it. I laughed when I saw it because it was more of a checklist for Julie's kids and nothing on it freaked me out because... 'been there, done that'. I did talk to one of the counselors afterwards about things... and I told her a little about the kids and how I got them, and then I asked a question I didn't know was bothering me so much. I asked... "If principals and values are instilled in kids at a young age and I'm just now trying to get these kids on a good path, am I fighting a lost cause?" She said to me simply "With God, all things are possible"... and I nearly cried right there because I think I needed to hear that from a licenced professional so badly. So it went very well. It's really great how much the kids love going to Church. The morning sermon was on Addictions... and I found myself the whole time thinking about Julie, and about how - if Julie lived up here instead of down in Riverview, she'd benefit so much from our Church. Our members are just awesome and loving and it's a contemporary service - she'd just love it I think. God is good, and maybe we could all pray that Julie could find a church like Van Dyke in her own neighborhood... and she could begin her work on her relationship with God while the kids are still with me. Yeah... that would be really good.

Well, I should really run. Pray for Chris's Uncle Donald... pray for God's speed - that he'll send His angels quickly to take him to the gates of heaven. Pray for Julie and the kids. And say a special prayer for Jonathan who has been so good and patient with all the extra stuff going on at home.

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In A Nutshell:

Here is a letter I sent to Dr. Phil which really sums everything up:
I am married to my high-school sweetheart (20 years this August), with two wonderful children (Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13). I have two sisters, both younger – I call them “my good sister” and “my bad sister”. My good sister is – well, good! Normal in every way. The bad one, Julie, has been in trouble since she was a kid. As a baby she cried all of the time. As a teenager she was in trouble all of the time. At the age of 14 or so I remember that she had run away from home to live with a grown man in Atlanta. This was one of many run a ways. As a teenager, she provided sexual favors to boys in school, as well as teachers. As a young adult she was arrested for prostitution. She’s done drugs ranging from marijuana to crack. She was diagnosed early on as bi-polar with personality disorder. She’s also a serious cutter to the point where she no longer hid the cuts. She’s cut things like “Ronald Cecchinni” into her arm… and “Fuck you Dr. XXX” on her stomach, in large letters. Julie is also a diagnosed sex-addict. She’s also recently (in the past year) begun ‘huffing’. (I honestly believe that this huffing has caused some permanent damage) She is currently 36yo.
Julie lost her husband Ron a year and a half ago as a result of Leukemia and Kidney Disease which the military attributed to his serving in the Gulf War. He left behind three children – Kayla who is now 15, Justin who is now 14 and Kayte who is now 13. Even when Julie was married, her psychiatric problems persisted. She has been hospitalized literally hundreds of times over the years. However, when her husband was alive, he would take care of the kids when Julie was mentally out of control. After Ron died, Julie lost control of the kids and her life. She began to spiral out of control, having pot parties at her home (to the point where the kids said a door would open and a cloud of smoke would come bellowing out of the room), smoking weed with her own kids, having sex all over the house with different men all the time, allowing young men (19 yo) to sleep over with her oldest daughter (only 14 at the time), and allowing Gang members to live in her home (she said she felt ‘safe’ with them there). In addition, she was attempting suicide daily, overdosing on medications hoping to not wake up the next morning. Mind you all of this while she was seeing her Psychologist every week and Psychiatrist once a month. Both of these Doctors knew what was going on at home, neither of them reported it to the proper authorities. I have even been told by one of them that he was told, by Julie, that she ‘heard voices telling her to hurt the children’ but that she was proud that she could ignore the voices. Still, these Doctors reported nothing.
I should add here that it was at some point in this period of time in Julie’s life when her children began suicide watches over their mom… each one taking turns to sit in a room with her at all hours (night and day) because their mom was less-likely to hurt herself while they were here. However, it didn’t always work – Julie constantly took pills in front of them trying to either dope herself up or overdose, and she would even cut herself in front of the kids.
Finally one day, she woke up furious that her last suicide attempt didn’t work. She got violent with her oldest daughter, police were called, and finally DCF was called. (I would like to add that we (other family members) had called DCF in the past to report things, but some of the cases were ‘unfounded’ and one other time the fled the state knowing CF only had jurisdiction in Florida.) DCF removed the children from the home in November 2005 and I gained custody of the Children shortly thereafter.
There are lots of things I could add here about my sister, DCF, and the horrible Foster Care or Custodial Care program we are involved with. However, that is not my main reason for writing to you.
Kayte, the youngest, seems to be adjusting pretty well. She has a tendency to trivialize what her mom has done and the seriousness of it, but I think that is normal given that it is her mom. Kayte was in counseling, but she feels it’s ‘a waste of time’.
Justin, the middle child, is okay. As a young boy I'm told he was a terror. He used to hit his mother and at one point (only 6yo) tried to jump off a building to kill himself. Since then, his anger has turned in to an endless smothering of love and caring. He does everything for his mom… from getting her whatever she needs to rubbing her feet and back. Justin has seen a psychiatrist since moving in with me who felt that his issues were brought on by trauma. It was also at that visit with the psychiatrist that he confided in myself and the Doctor that he had suicidal thoughts often while living at home with his mom in her ‘state of being’ after his dad died. However, since he moved in with me he has done so much better (and continues to improve daily) that she didn’t feel he even needed counseling at this time. He would, however, need counseling before he was reunited with his mom.
Kayla, the oldest, has serious issues. She is also currently in counseling but feels that it is ‘a waste of time’. Kayla has always lied and stolen things. Family members feel sorry for her because you can tell that she doesn’t really mean any ill will by it, but it’s been ‘the way she is’ for a very long time. By far her biggest problems are lying and her need for approval by men (young and old).
Since the kids have moved in with us, my husband and I have set up rules. The kids already had myspace accounts, so we set ground rules for it. 1) We needed the login names and passwords. 2) Profiles must be set to private. 3) The only people they were allowed to have on their friends list was people that they actually knew. When Kayla’s list climbed over 300, and she was found to have inappropriate conversations (wanting to sneak out and ‘hook up’ with young men), we made everyone cut their list down to 30 friends, which included myself. 4) All vulgar language and inappropriate photos would come off immediately and would be monitored by myself at any given time. At times, they try to put up ‘sexy’ pictures which immediately need to come down.
However recently I have found that she has multiple website things going on in an attempt to pick up young men. I'll outline a few here so that you understand the gravity of the situation: 1) I found her 'normal' myspace account set to 'public view'. She has over 11,000 profile views(meaning people looking at her pictures and wanting to know more about her). I had reset it to private many times, but she keeps going back and resetting it to public. 2) I have found another myspace account which she went by the name 'Shannon' and used it to pick up young men, tease them, then later tell them that she was 'taken' but refer them to her 'cousin, Kayla'. She'd then give them all of Kayla's information. Of course thiswas also set to public. 3) I have found another social network website that was like myspace in which she had ONLY men (mostly from other states) as her 'friends' whom she corresponded with. The emails back and forth basically said the same thing as all of the others... more on that in #4 - only these were guys that not only did she not know, but they were not even in the area! 4) All accounts that I have found had basically the same thing... her emailing guys wanting to know if she was pretty, if they wanted to 'hook up', talking about going to their 'crib' or meeting up with them somewhere, and constantly seeking approval and affirmation from these guys.
I believe she gets this from her mom. And the sad thing is, if you met her, you would love her. She is truly a GREAT kid… but she has serious issues. I’ve described to you Julie’s behavior and Kayla’s seems to be the same way. Neither can make decisions on their own that are ‘the right thing to do’, and both lack the understanding of simple values, morals and ethics. I could go into so many examples. How do I describe the utterly amazing difference between Julie’s parenting style and my own?
I know... Both Julie and I have myspace accounts set up to ‘monitor’ the kids. To illustrate the difference between Julie and myself, here is something that Julie and I both put on our myspace accounts. You are supposed to put something 'about yourself' by your picture. Here is mine: "I'm 38 years old. I have two amazing kids, Amanda who is 20 and Jonathan who is 13. I have great husband, Chris. I love to sing - and have been singing in Toast of Tampa Show Chorus for 10 years. I'm raising my nieces and nephew (12, 13 and 14). I love God and my family."And here is Julie's: "I am who I am and if you dont like me for me........FUCK YOU........ Plus if you dont like me for me....... Im gunna tell my kids and there gunna kick yer ass!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Here’s the other dilemma we are having; the two girls are in counseling that is costing me $25 EACH in co-payments every time they go. The State of Florida provides NO financial support to me as a relative caregiver, other than providing the three kids with Medicaid. They received small SSI checks because of their dad’s death, but it barely covers the food they consume. The DCF worker, having spoke with the girls and being told that therapy is ‘a waste of time’, has referred me to a clinic that DCF uses for cases such as this to seek mental care for Kayla (aswell as the others). However, the kids have TriCare as their primary insurance because their dad died from Military causes. TriCare requires the co-payment, regardless of the Medicaid secondary. Having said that, please understand that I worked in referrals in a primary care physician’s office for 16 years… I totally ‘get’ what is required for primary and secondary insurances and all the red tape. But because of the uniqueness of this situation, the kids are suffering!
I should also point out here that I have the kids for an indefinite period of time. Right now Julie is doing things that she has been told to do to get the kids back. However, she is still awaiting a court ordered detailed Psychiatric exam to determine if she can EVER parent again. Even if that Psychiatrist feels she can parent again, she’ll most likely need to be ‘clean’ and ‘episode-free’ for 6 months to a year minimum. In addition, Julie is only allowed supervised visits and one phone call a day. This came about because of her inappropriate behavior when she was with the kids and because when she was allowed to call any time she’d call 10 + times a day.
The other problem with Julie ever getting her children back is that… she doesn’t understand what she did wrong. She parents as if she were 15-years old herself. If anyone has ever done something bad and been able to ‘keep’ their kids, she sees no reason she can’t do it. She brought her daughter at the age of 13 in for a HUGE tattoo on the small of her back. It’s Tigger flipping ‘the bird’ with her gang name under it. She was also planning on getting a large tattoo on her 12yo before the kids were taken. Again, she sees nothing wrong with any of her past behavior.
So, you see, I could have these children for the rest of their teenage years. I honestly don’t know where to turn to get them the help they need.
I feel as if I am in a psychiatric nightmare and I just can’t wake up. Eight months ago I was at home, my biggest ‘kid worry’ was if my son was going to get good grades on his report card. Now I find myself in a crux worried about whether or not the lessons I teach them, this late in their young life, are going to be enough to turn these kids around and help them to be productive adults in the near future.

Tina's Daily Blog

Monday, May 01, 2006

Busy Weekend - Sort-of

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